nite chat: 4:25

ok
first let me say
the music got a little somber
but
the criteria was good not a specific topic
so i hope that didn't freak you out

second i think one of the spirit guides
has got to be joan of arc and then there's got to be
another woman
although
maybe i'm over reaching here
but i really want to have this whole conversation
about female masculinity and trans
and the lines and gray areas
that probably shouldn't go in this story, huh
idk
i don't want it to be all male
but
it is having a kinda bruh vibe
i thought that might kick it up
but i don't want to ratio my characters

but
i don't think that spirit guides are necessarily
all gonna be halos, ya know
and i'm trying to pick my group
and what i've learned from all these
pick your table things that people have been doing
during quarantine on social media
is
for example
pick your passover table
there's one that has gal gadot and natalie portman
and i'm like i greatly respect them
and they are so so attractive
and then i see natasha lyonne at another table
i don't know who the other people are
and i'm like
no
that one
because she is funny
and crazy
and also an actress i admire
since but i'm a cheerleader
so
i'm not picking the popular kids
not for my spirit guides either
they gotta be kinda whack
not sure who clyde is gonna be
but pretty sure clyde was a beatnik name for a square
so he's the bottom of the pecking order for the group


i'm not sure what my last meal would be
i have a lot of things that send me over the edge
maybe
stuffed baked chicken
with mashed potatoes and gravy and
oh god, what vegetable
when i was in des moins
at the farmers market
i had my favorite vegetable experience
they had fresh grilled asparagus
like buttered and salted and grilled
now i liked asparagus even when i was a kid
and very very occasionally had canned asparagus
and i've had it cooked a bunch of slightly different ways
over the years
but
seriously
that asparagus was so good
i literally thought
i could go right now
i'm never going to taste anything better than that
i think it was maybe picked that day
and i think
with food
that makes the difference
but it was fucking well cooked too

i've also had that experience with sashimi
escolar specifically
i've had escolar that was so fresh tasting
with such a beautiful texture
that it had the satisfaction level
of eating steak

but
aged smoked english cheddar
and
recently
i've been remembering
my mom and i used to go to
one of the artists who was in her gallery
she didn't have a lot of money
but she wanted to do a big spread
and she would save up her bacon grease
and she would fry liver and onions
and make biscuits
this was like when i was 11
and although i've had liver and onions
[i mean not for probably 15 years]
i don't think i ever had better than hers

but
i mean
if i'm dying anyway
maybe a new york strip with a baked potato
and a munch of sauted mushrooms
maybe some peas

or
what i seem to be craving
mexican food
although maybe it would have to be some mixture
of new mexico and tex-mex
new mexico mexican food is actually better
but i was raised on tex-mex so it has comfort food qualities

did i ever tell you
i went to a tex-mex restaurant in cedar rapids
i was dubious
but the pictures in the menu looked right
and i ordered like the classic tex=mex
cheese enchiladas with that chili gravy and the chopped raw onions
i mean that stuff is like home on a plate
i was so excited
and then i tasted it
and
no spice had ever walked past it at all
it was just sad-wrong

and
tonight
if i was having my last meal tonight
it would be fried chicken
macaroni and cheese
collard greens
and
banana pudding
[which i'm not usually that big a fan of
but sometimes i want]

oh
and tomato and cucumber salad
with the fried chicken and macaroni cheese and collard greens
but maybe peach cobbler too
but
not ice cream
that's too much with cobbler
i could do a lemon sorbet

i'm weird
i love chocolate
i do
but not chocolate cake
it's too much
i don't enjoy it, too rich
if i get a birthday cake
not chocolate
not chocolate icing
buttercream icing

i love ice cream
but not a la mode, too much
not with cake or brownie or cookie or any of that shit
i don't even like sundaes
and
although i like chocolate ice cream ok
i like coffee better

i like carrot cake
do you know that shit has more calories than chocolate cake
no joke, very unfair
there's a restaurant my mom and i like to go to
we haven't been in a while
january
they started putting the calories on the fuckin menu
what kinda shit is that
ok
fine
i'll have a baby kale salad
and grilled asparagus
which is like almost no calories, right
so i thought
well maybe i can get the healthy carrot cake
no
it's fucking 1200 calories
almost twice as much as the chocolate cake
wtf
it's full of carrots

when i was a kid and we went to the cafeteria
i always wanted custard
i would still rather have custard than
cake or pie
i love custard
and flan
i mean
if i let them talk me into churros or sopapillas or tres leches cake
and realistically i usually wouldn't get desert with mexican food
because it's too heavy
no room
maybe if i ate no chips
but i'd rather have the chips
unless they don't have green sauce
but
if they only have red salsa, say
and i have room for desert
or if i get like shrimp stuffed jalapenos
and they only give you two
so i have room for desert
if i let them talk me into any of those other things
i will be sad
because that is how much i love flan
i like all those other things, a lot
but not as much as i like flan

dairy products win
i use soy milk now in coffee
and i like that actively better
i prefer the myokos vegan cultured butter
but sour cream, cheese, custard
i have not been able to harden my heard to these things


ok
my head hurts so bad
idk when this started
the weather must be changing or something

it's awful
i'm gonna write the poem and go to bed
i love you sweetheart