nite chat: 4:22

ok
so
talking
i'm not feeling much like talking
i'm totally derailed on this replicant thing
i have totally decided
that his mother had an affair
that his father was killed when he was a baby
and that he never knew his name
i do not believe that a fifteen year old boy doesn't know his father's name
the father that he lived with up to that point
now
he might have made up the indian thing
and not been prepared to make up an indian name
and so said he didn't know the name
that is possible
but
i just don't believe this story
i like my version better
gran gran knew his mother
and his brothers and sisters
one of his brothers killed himself
gran gran really loved him
and she was good friend, at least when they were young-ish
i think at least through the war with his two year older brother

and my paw paw was about 6'2" i think
he was tall
but not like freakishly tall
but they always said he was the runt of the litter
because they were more like 6'6"

my brother didn't even respond back to me
i got him the information he wanted
at great emotional expense to myself
and he didn't respond back
and
it's probably not fair
but i'm mad at him for ruining my
idk exactly

and it was weird
when i told him i didn't know
he was like but your mother is all over the ancestry site
and i'm like i don't think so
she's never exhibited any interest in ancestry
and he's like her name is all over it
and then he spelled her name wrong
and i'm like i think that's a different person

but i texted her
and she's like no i've never been on there
i had a cousin who sent me a bunch of pictures
to identify because they were from my father's generation
but i've not been on there
so idk why
but his like
your mom's all over there
it did not sit right with me

like probably he just meant
i figured you'd know ancestry because your mom's into it
but the way deborah used to be all like my mom was
butting in where she didn't belong came out
like he was saying she had been in dad's family tree stuff
which she wasn't
and wouldn't have been
she would have only been mentioned in her dad and mom's
although, i mean, technically
she was dad's second wife
and my mom
so
it would not be out of line for her to be the fucking family tree
i'm very unsettled
i didn't need this shit

i was gonna try to go to bed early
but
i think it's way too late to make that happen

i love you sweetheart
i guess i better go write that poem