nite chat: 4:13

i don't know what's wrong with me today
i don't feel bad
just very very scattered
like i cannot focus on anything
if that's what's gonna happen
when i talk about my childhood
then i don't want to talk about it anymore
or
maybe it isn't that
maybe it's just
stress
catching up with me

idk
i'm not tryin to not talk to you

ok
so
something exciting
i got something
now i've gotten tinctures
which i consider medicine
i've gotten food

i did get those flower essences

but
i got some tea
i got that one i mentioned
and i got a mugwort based tea as well
specifically designed for lucid dreaming
maybe that's not a good idea
if it's going to make me less able to break
from my dreams, idk
i haven't had it yet
it's steeping now

i also got chaparral oil
i've got a bunch (like 3)
of the creosote salve from eastside remedios
and i love that
but it's a little heavy for summer
at least in the day
and, i mean, i didn't really need it
i've got oils
but
the seller seemed so cool
and is in marfa
and she's small business
and i love the smell of the chaparral
it makes me happy
and she was having a sale
and blah blah blah
i've got all my subscriptions on hold
and i'm trying to be good
but

i just needed a little scent, ya know
so i got that and cedar incense
and i feel like i've got to justify the expense
but it wasn't very much
and
it's all wonderful

i had forgotten about incense
but then you mentioned it
and i'm all like i love incense
and i have a bunch
because i'd forgotten about it
and i haven't been using it
i've got a big mixed bag from the ren faire
that probably all smells the same now
but

i wanted something ceremonial
like smudging like, but incense
and they had cedar
and it's amazing, amazing

i've not been to marfa in years
like i'm not sure how many
i know it's been since i went with my mom
but when was that 2012?
idk

anyway
i needed it
even though i technically didn't need it

i want to go somewhere
isn't that terrible
i want to go to a coffee shop
i want to go to a beautiful apothecary shop
with smells
herbal smells

i was the desert sky
any shy with stars
you can't see stars here
too much light pollution
i want the beach
i want a running river

i saw a short video clip on instagram
of snow in new mexico
was that current
idk
but it almost made me cry
the oak trees are beautiful
but they aren't doin it for me

i'm being a spoiled brat, i know
i don't want people
well, i mean, i do want you
but
if we could just be in the desert
and look up at the stars
there wouldn't even need to be much talking
ya know
i don't feel cooped up
i'm not stir crazy
i don't think

i'm just feeling more expansive in my head
and i want more nature
i always want more nature
but i'm usually too tired to worry about it
but i'm not now
i'm all rested up

i want to go go go
i don't like it here
i mean, i do, kinda
but i don't

i like chicago
(not in winter)
because there's the ocean-like lake
and the river-like stuff running all through the downtown
and, i mean, let's face it
i've not lived there
it felt large and open and beautiful
but if i lived where i could afford to live
it probably would not be that nice

here
i'm in an old
not that nice place
but
i've got the trees
and i'm on the edge of a really beautiful neighborhood
two actually
i've got nothing to complain about
but
i want to go go go

i don't like los angeles
the traffic is terrible and it makes me cry
but i've been seeing this beautiful view i saw on the freeway
in my head, i can't remember where
and, really maybe i'm conflating several views
i think i probably am
if you've gotta be stuck on the freeway
there are a lot of beautiful scenes

but
whatever

i'm just letting myself get all
i'm not even sure what to call what i'm being
maybe it is a form of stir crazy
but it's more like home sick
only
for the home i haven't really found yet

my cat was walking around with one eye closed
and i'm like no no no no no
i don't think the vet is open
you cannot have anything wrong with you
and he seems to be fine
idk what that was all about

i thought i was very calm
but
i don't sound very calm to me

i feel like it's been forever since i've done that drive
along the 10
i want to marfa, yes
but i also want to see the arizona sunset
and the sunrise driving through
the mojave desert

i'm from a place where it rains
a lot
a lot of times
and a lot amount
could i be happy living in the desert
idk
but i long for it
i love the weather in seattle
or eugene
that drizzly rain
coffee drinkin weather
that probably makes more sense
and i love it

but
i long for the desert
the look of it
and the energy

but the ocean

it's so difficult

usually when i'm away from home
i'm happier
but i hate going east
i hate the drive east on the 10
it is super tedious
it's closed in
rather than open
and it doesn't improve until you can see the ocean
some of those stretches of freeway
that go out over the water
are just as good as the desert
but
florida is fucking hot
i know
i know
the desert is hot
but that sticky swampy heat
so
you'd have to be on the beach
or in the keys
and
in a few years
that's gonna be super problematical
with the ocean rising
and
also
super red state-y

i don't dream of that
i might like it
or i might not
but i don't dream of that