I feel like a replicant
like I haven't planted memories and they aren't really mine and maybe I'm not a real person
Also I looked back at that dream and waxahachie You know how almost every city you could think of the name of or town there's like one in every state well apparently not waxahachie apparently waxahachie is in Texas
It's close to Dallas
And this is the really weird thing I mean you know it's just a coincidence but are there really coincidences
You know how I said I did not know my great-grandmother's maiden name well it's the same as the county that waxahatchie's in
That's weird right
But it's not a swamp
I think there is a river
So there's a time to run through the waxahachie in a bathrobe carrying a steak
Still doesn't make
And it's still kind of fun to say
And and she was 39 years old when he was born and he does in fairness look like an Indian so I mean maybe his father wasn't really his father I don't know we could make all kind of stories
it is sort of an American tradition that whatever race you look like you are is what you're supposed to be whether that's right or wrong which of course it's ridiculous
And doesn't really help me in the long run because of course I'm so pale I'm almost invisible
But people of Mexican heritage came up to my aunt Joan for years speaking to her in Spanish thinking she was Mexican
And when I was growing up my father was super super dark and I was super super pale and so as soon as I became aware that there were different races I thought maybe he was a different race from me
So all of that is just not of any real consequence but whatever I'm saying in any way
The upshot is that I feel like if we're not now bound to truth
There isn't really any reason not to flesh out this story
I mean I could just kind of wholesale make stuff up if I want
And make a very exciting backstory cuz it's not like I'm telling anybody anyway it's just for me
But then also I wonder
Like maybe I don't know how it works with spirit guides I mean do they get asigned do they pick you idk
Maybe all the native American spirits were like I don't know we don't want anything to do with her she's a pale face and they're like yeah but she thinks she's an Indian come on somebody step up and quetz'l was like I'll take her
She not related to any of those conquistadors
And we had some kind of prophecy
That are Jesus person was supposed to be pale
So I got no beef with her
Maybe that's how I ended up with him
I mean obviously I don't know
but I was thinking this was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me finding this stuff out but maybe it's not
I mean if I think that finding out your DNA doesn't tell you anything about yourself because you know who you are well if I worked that backwards then I would be telling myself that I am who I am I'm this replicant who has these fake memories but they're not fake to me they're real to me so the fact that they're not true doesn't mean they're not foundational to my personality
So whatever you know
