brain churn, maybe

there's this way

in which I

FEEL 

like I'm not the same 

from day to day

& have these

PARTS

I am finding it slightly unsettling 

& I just had this really 

BIG anxiety 

thing

I wouldn't call it an attack 

it was MORE like 

my perspective SHIFTED 

I SAW something 

& it freaked me out 

I was brushing my teeth 

I started gagging 

hacking up

sputum 

I'm not sure what it was

I was thinking about 

HOW 

that looking for how you fit in

that SOUNDS 

very trad feminine 

&

I was contrasting 

I have some things that I'm very trad masc

AND

I'm not SURE 

is that LIKE a PARTS thing

or a non-binary 

THING

I'm feeling like there is stuff going on 

that I don't understand 

& I didn't finish that area

I haven't been able to do it I'm all LIKE 

I'm not STRONG enough 

BUT 

there is a connection between 

disengagement with 

REALITY 

& STUFF 

& I can't map exactly how much time 

I'm connected to some though

that is not EXACTLY 

disengagement 

so much as

ENGAGING in THINKING 

MAYBE 

one of the tangential lines of thinking 

is HOW uncomfortable am I

with the things

I've ever done or thought or felt before 

& WHAT I might 

pick instead

& MAYBE 

I'm NOW overanalyzing 

probably that's right 

I have this 

IDEA

of

STANDING as MYSELF 

which I thought I pretty much always DID 

BUT 

in SOME WAY

maybe I mask 

or maybe 

I need to focus

on getting 

something across specifically 

I guess I'm coming from 

we KNOW we could be

EASIER 

to understand 

WHAT 

are we making 

CLEARER

I need to do that with myself as well 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

check in may 1st

I am thinking about 

this dome greenhouse I saw

& whether I could 

SLEEP 

in it

or if that would be 

uncomfortably 

HOT

or stuffy

I THINK 

I always thought about 

intimacy between people as being

aggressive & slightly 

VIOLENT

& I don't think the new me

thinks about it that way

I've really changed a lot since I first met you

& I think one way I haven't quite finished changing YET 

is that I don't WANT to just be trying to figure out 

where is the 
SPACE 

I FILL

& I don't know if that makes sense 

I feel like that is how I'm programmed 

& I'm not sure how to 

NOT do THAT 

sleep time

that piano song 

really made me happy 

& strangely 

I was hearing the theme from the young & the restless when I was falling asleep last night & then again this morning 

strangely because 

THAT was not a soap opera I watched 

I guess it came on 

BEFORE 

or something 

because I'd heard the music 

I think maybe it was

a little more 

SPICY

or something 

I'm maybe 

trying to get a feel for myself as

I don't think I WAS ever

EXTREMELY

SHY

THAT

is part of this

newer CRAZY

that's all an oversimplification 

RECENTLY 

I've discovered that I have Saturn 

in the first house

& that means 

MAYBE 

I have some out in the world disciplined 

being seen type destiny

MAYBE 

especially when combined with the 

SAGITTARIUS midheaven 

& I remembered that 

I WAS MORE like THAT 

than I feel like I am currently 

BUT 

I'm building a new thing-y

& I realize

the old thing-y was

BROKEN 

I don't want to put the broken stuff 

back in, but that's easier said than done 

MAYBE 

I am not sure what I'm doing 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

my best explanation of what is going on with me currently -- check in april 30th

a couple days ago 

I slept funny

jacked up my neck & shoulder 

I spent time

stretching and massaging 

BUT 

it was still kinda effed up last night

& when I woke up today 

I was LIKE 

I think this is BODY WORK 

I've been looking at myself 

& saying

GIRL

ain't nothing tantalizing about your bod

you wrecked

& I'm not really 

inhabiting my body

I'm a think-y brain with a body attached 

& with the decrease in body pain 

from the relaxing nervous system 

I'm just ignoring my body 

MORE 

BUT 

as I tried stretching my neck

as I worked the kinks out of the place on my back

I used to think of as a hump

where I fell & hit it on the tub at lindley's house

before a bunch of us

went to galveston 

it's not really a hump anymore 

but it is still KINDA a trouble spot

when it STILL HURT months later

my mom finally agreed to take me to a doctor 

they SAID 

well, it was probably soft tissue damage 

when they couldn't see anything on 

the x-rays

BUT 

my neck used to go out of alignment 

way up at the top*

I've always carried my stress

in my shoulders

& I have the injury site

KINDA in the middle of all that

& I think my body wants

MORE from me

than to be

TOLD

STUFF to DO

F.I.O**

SO

I'm stretching & massaging 

& trying to FEEL like I'm 

INHABITING 

my body 

I think some of my

in my HEAD-ness

started by

FEELING my feelings 

& some of that

was a lot of residual stuff surrounding my mom 

& maybe I shouldn't have done that 

BUT 

it SEEMED like 

NOT 

feeling my feelings 

led to trouble 

historically 

I thought

& SO

I'm not sure what I think about that now

BUT 

I DO think

I HAVE it figure out this body work

I have to make some kind of

PEACE with myself 

I'm not a disembodied brain

I don't want to be

semi-dissociated, or whatever

*I'm pretty sure that's going on right now too

**figure it out

check in april 29th

I've been pretty thinky

& I feel like 

I'm not 

SUPER 

organized in my thinking*

BUT 

I think you are 

COOL

*by which I think I mean I'm not saying things in the right order & am going to sound like I'm prioritizing things some kinda way way and I don't feel like saying in not particular order is a fix for it so I don't know if that means I'm paranoid or not sufficiently sovereign or what my problem is but

YOU are COOL

& I LOVE you VERY much 

& I love the shirt

it's adorable 

& I think

it's ALL 

VERY exciting

& I'm grateful for you 

& I was never not

BUT 

I was caught up in some stuff 

& I wasn't feeling the grateful-ness generally 

& I was trying to decide 

WHY

I'm not sure I have the answer yet

I'm gonna try to sleep now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

check in april 28th

I saw this video 

& I haven't vetted it

BUT 

it's LIKE 

the ancient Sumerians were ALIENS 

& NOW we've FINALLY 

translated the 

LAST CLAY TABLET 

& I'm SURE this is the

SPACE ALIEN news

that t*ump is

teasing

BUT 

NOT ONLY 

did they genetically engineer humanity

BUT ALSO 

they are headed back this way

to JUDGE US 

if we've learned to value each other

& the earth then

ALIEN DADDY 

will take us with 

if not

it's gonna be another

FLOOD---LIKE

situation 

I think it's unlikely that they just now translated the last clay tablet

THAT'S 

the likeliest weak link for me

I'm only sort of 

kidding 

I have been TOO in my HEAD 

& not necessarily in a good way 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

check in april 27th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

that was legitimately weird

ALSO

I have a rattle/percussion instrument collection 

WHY

do I not know HOW to play percussion 

I am legitimately 

ASKING myself 

as I have

REALIZED 

as THOUGH I didn't KNOW that was a THING 

which I don't find credible 

BUT 

everyone is just looking at me

BLANKLY 

more thoughts

did he just fake

another assignation 

JUST to

push his ballroom

agenda

that's 

REAL life

right now

I find that destabilizing 

I dreamed about my 

mom

we were in a car

she was driving and she had a cat

she wanted to take to show

her friend 

because the cat looked a lot like a cat 

her friend had had

which didn't make a whole lot of sense 

THEN

it transpired 

the cat was stinky or something 

there was some reason*

*it was my fault 

SOMEHOW 

NOW

that we were not ONLY not showing her friend the cat

we were NOW leaving the cat

IN the CAR

& HOW 

was the cat going to

not just get

COOKED

in the

CAR

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

check in april 26th

there's LIKE this one 

where it's got

this DARK sound

BUT 

then it's 

SOMEHOW 

simultaneously 

surf rock

that keeps

LIKE 

calling me

& the WHOLE thing 

was SO satisfyingly blending sounds

like painting them

LIKE 

transparent colors

OVERLAPPING 

to create a different color

I was really enjoying it 

trying to classify

& that's what I've come up with 

& I guess I was concentrating more on the sound 

because that was where I felt most functional 

mother's day thoughts

I have all these things 

I'm thinking about 

it's mother's day 

I guess technically today 

& I'm not really sure 

what I FEEL about the things

I think I'm not that upset

about not having 

kids

I have reason to question 

how good a mother

I might have

managed

to be 

&

besides 

I kinda worked through some of what

were issues when I was a manager

I MEAN 

obviously not the SAME but I think that's 

KINDA

my thing

I get whatever usable 

life experience I have in some

non-standard way

things stand-in

for other things

& MAYBE 

that's 

an adaptation 

or maybe 

it's JUST 

that I process things

DIFFERENTLY 

I'm not confident 

I had the capacity to be a good mother

while attempting to do

ANYTHING else 

I had some experiences 

make me WONDER 

I took my niece

to the ZOO 

& something about the level of attention 

was ALMOST hypnotic

I was not SURE if I took my eyes

OFF her 

for a second 

she was not gonna

JUST 

JUMP

into the alligators 

I think it's entirely possible 

I would not have been

up to the task

& it was never a life goal

I wanted things

BUT

they were related

to my feelings for you, mostly

with occasional ideas for

positively shaping

an upbringing 

which I find

I have opinions about 

I certainly didn't dream about

any kind of suburban wife

situation 

I'm not a regular person 

I'm pretty different 

& whether that's 

a neurodivergent thing 

or a trauma thing

or a creative

CRAZY 

it doesn't really matter what exactly is going on

what matters is what I need to do

to make my brain work

to do the things that

I WANT to DO

AND

I find it hard to believe 

that I can look at my life one way

& it's been an amazing adventure 

AND

I can look at it another way

and it's just nothing

nothing accomplished 

THAT

would be

the way my mother would look at it, I think

I've been thinking about 

when she was in the rehab hospital 

& her legs were swollen 

& they wouldn't increase her meds

I was talking to one of her doctors 

who wasn't the "decider" on the diuretics 

my mom must have been giving me 

the narcissist disgust look

or something 

because this doctor

she LOOKED at 

my mom

& she

SAID 

your daughter is advocating for you really hard 

the LEAST you could do

would be to SMILE 

at her a little 

& my mom said 

SHE ALWAYS WORKS HARD

she kinda made it

SOUND

LIKE 

no CREDIT for THAT 

& I don't really want to talk about 

HOW I FEEL 

so much as to

SAY

different parts of me

FEEL DIFFERENT 

I can notice

different 

PARTS

there's a part

that's like

if she has trouble 

because she

wouldn't believe you when you said you wouldn't 

THAT

is poetic justice 

there is a part that says

it is entirely possible 

that she's blown up her life trying to 

MAKE me DO

thinking she could force my hand

because I wouldn't be able to 

STAND it

with a whole bunch of dominoes dropping 

& the protector part

is LIKE 

I DO NOT CARE 

if they are 

grinding her 

into 

hamburger 

& FEEDING her to WILD DOGS 

we are NOT getting involved 

SO

mother's day 

HITS different 

this year

strangely 

it seems LESS triggering 

check in april 25th

I really like the

SOUND

it's got these different 

ELEMENTS

& it's really full or dense or I'm not sure what to call it but there's a 

DARK 

quality to it that I vibe with 

BUT 

then it has these

PLAYFUL 

qualities as well that you usually don't get

TOGETHER 

I'm into it

OK

I couldn't go to sleep without listening a little 

I LOVE chameleon 

& wireless 🔥 

the almost wordless song

GENIUS 

I imagined it re-mixed into

an otherworldly 

club scene

I'm looking forward to hearing the rest

more thoughts

I'm sorry 

I realized 

I was processing 

& didn't do the Friday thing

I'm sorry that might have been better 

& I just wasn't wanting to 

MIX that

into my t. rex shadow

montage

sometimes 

that works out badly

BUT 

I wasn't trying to 

SKIP

just be properly 

OPEN 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

thoughts April 24th

I think 

when you're working through 

EMOTIONAL stuff

MAYBE 

it's natural to 

not go in 

a straight 

LINE

I feel 

BETTER 

today

& the dream was really helpful 

SOMEHOW 

in some way

I can't explain 

& I guess 

I was trying to figure out 

HOW 

to be in a state

with someone else 

at the same time they are in the same state

without either of you 

"at-ing"

& there was an aquatic quality to it

MAYBE 

or gravity became

whimsical*

*I saw somebody use whimsical & it made me want to use it and I'm not sure this was the right place

BUT 

maybe it is

because 

the point is not to be

TOUGH

the POINT is not to feel like you need to be tough

is it

I'm not sure 

is the tough 

an act 

or 

do you feel

that you are 

indeed 

tough

I'm not sure 

I don't want to 

MASK

I'm not sure if what I do is masking

sleep is good 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

good morning sweetheart

I had a LOT of dreams 

& I don't really remember SPECIFICS except 

the final image

MAYBE 

the others will come back to me

there was school

ART school 

ALL KINDS of THINGS 

BUT 

at my gran gran's house

I was looking out

a window*

*which was not configured correctly from a historical standpoint 

I was LOOKING out a window 

at an enormous 

MOOSE

I had seen it earlier 

BUT 

I was shocked 

because it was remaining in the

SAME position 

& I didn't see 

HOW 

it was EVEN possible for it to be in 

THAT POSITION 

at ALL

MUCH LESS

for an extended amount of 

TIME

it was on its hind legs 

with its front legs 

UP in kind of 

a supplication 

CURLED

&

it just stayed like that

STATIONARY 

HOW 

was it balancing

HOW 

did it remain 

STRONG 

& in the shadows 

it was

SHIFTED

back & forth

from a 

MOOSE 

to a

T REX

with its curled up little arms

& I suppose 

you COULD call

EITHER 

of them a 

MONSTER 

BUT 

that wouldn't be 

ACCURATE 

check in april 23rd

I'm sorry about your friend 

maybe he'll be at all of them for a while 

if he doesn't have to be anywhere soon

I walked to the convenience store 

to buy my lottery tickets 

I got two

scratch offs*

*which were not winners

I got three

I was trying to find

the old school ones that don't have the 

POWER BALL feature 

& they DO still have them

they are called

LOTTERY 

EXTRA 

which makes no sense whatsoever 

& the draw is Saturday

I think 

SO

I have to wait

to SEE what I win

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm supposed to have an extra good luck day tomorrow my horoscope said buy a lottery ticket

OK

I am in a weird place

& I'm not sure

WHY

or how long I've been here

I feel a strong desire to apologize for being 

TEDIOUS 

BUT 

that SEEMS contrary

to what I'm trying to achieve 

SO

MAYBE 

that's a good illustration of one of my issues 

I can SEE how

the experience of ME 

in my FULL confusing me-ness

MIGHT be 

LIKE 

a bit MUCH 

& I want to acknowledge 

that I KNOW that

I listened to my aunt joan telling me all the problems with edith

for years

I listened and I did

WHATEVER 

it is that I DO

in my personal belief 

that's not really 

FAIR to a

KID

BUT 

it comes naturally to me, I guess 

SO

maybe I started it, ya know

it was f*cking her up pretty good 

& I TOLD her 

she should JUST stop

& she explained to me that I was a monster

& I guess I thought about that too

BUT 

I'm not saying 

I'm sorry for being the way I am

& I'm not forcing you to 

deal with me

BUT 

I'm a little over how long everything takes

I'm commiserating 

I had to stop

LOOK 

at what I've gone through 

be a little BIT impressed

BUT 

I'm all over the place

& last night

I thought I felt you quantum entangled 

& then I had this whole

FILM portal thing

like the beatles

thing

& I thought I had a THING 

but then I second guessed my mind meld

& freaked out

& THAT is what THAT was ABOUT 

AND

this voice in my HEAD 

KEEPS yelling 

DANDELION 

check in april 22nd

I wasn't trying to make that

HEAVY

or about you

I just don't know how much SENSE I make

I know you understand 

some of what I'm talking about 

don't let my

self questioning 

spill over into some kind of criticism of you

I don't mean it like that

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

sleep is really good

the barbarella experience thing

is somehow like that

machine thing

I don't really remember exactly 

like it was an organ

MAYBE 

& it was gonna

KILL

her with pleasure 

or something 

well

it was not like that

obviously 

but that's the thing that came to MIND 

to describe it SEE 

BUT 

then I realize

I might not remember the 

SAME part you'd 

remember 

& SO

I guess I just didn't want to have 

to feel like I was doing 

EVERYTHING 

& I'm making it WEIRD so I'll stop

sleep is good

the skincare squad is threatening to quit

they have been working 

miracles

BUT 

the part of me that picks

is just using that as an excuse 

to pick more

I was walking across the parking lot 

from my car to the vet

NO

I was walking 

FROM 

the vet --- picking up a prescription 

& I CAUGHT something 

out of the corner of 

my EYE

I

looked

UP

& there was an enormous 

LIKE 

the WHOLE 

PUFF

of the dandelion 

going 

UP

I don't believe 

ANY PART

of a dandelion 

has wafted past me

in ANY CAPACITY 

since I was in the GRASS

BLOWING on them

MYSELF 

EVEN THEN 

not the whole thing 

that's 

gotta 

be a 

SIGN

gn LOVE

I'm gonna try to sleep now

BUT 

I have to tell you

ABOUT 

dandelion sighting 

I'm glad I'm not claiming to be sane

because I don't think 

that would accurately represent 

& I just had

what I suddenly 

NEED to CALL 

a barbarella experience 

check in april 21st

PROBABLY 

the jail thing is a scam

IDK

I went and read jason's many dms

--- because I haven't read ANY of them since he said the thing I said was triggering to me ---

& I gotta SAY

it is possible that he's a narcissist

which I didn't really think he was

BUT 

it's all LIKE 

WELL 

I'm just going to 

KEEP TRYING to REACH OUT to you 

with your problems 

EVERYONE 

has problems 

nowhere is there anything like

if I did or said anything 

I'm sorry 

JUST

things designed to cause 

GUILT

WHATEVER 

I'm gonna go back to NOT reading them

I was just curious & figured they

wouldn't trigger me now

& they didn't 

not even the photo of dad

I AM 

a little concerned with the IDEA that maybe 

NO ONE really KNOWS me

& if that's because I'm doing something 

that I could simply do

SOME OTHER WAY

AM I bringing this on myself 

NOT my family 

that's just an unfortunate toxic pattern

or set of patterns that I'm unwilling to play along with but can't change by myself 

BUT 

if you understand me

you might be the only one 

& I don't know how much SENSE I make to you

I just know you CARE

ANYWAY 

I wonder 

I watched this video

talking about WHY 

babies & animals

LIKE

my personality type

& I THOUGHT 

that might be part of the reason people don't get me

I don't project my DESIRES of them

AT THEM

which maybe makes me

INVISIBLE 

in some ways 

it's part of what makes me feel SAFE for people to talk to ALSO but that READS as 

non-judgemental

I maybe don't know how to be human

APPARENTLY people don't actually 

LISTEN to what you SAY

they ONLY listen to 

RESPOND 

SO

explaining yourself 

JUST SOUNDS 

like weakness or something 

I'm exhausted by the very CONCEPT of all that

I sound like I'm not doing well

BUT 

I think I'm basically okay

I just THINK I'm assessing what's just ME

in the equation of my life 

& WONDERING 

WHAT if anything I want to change

I don't like the IDEA that I'm some sort of

BLANK SPACE

BUT 

other people coming AT ME is a thing I don't like

SO

I'm not wanting to do THAT

it's all part of the

self sovereignity assessment 

I'm running on myself 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

sometimes the world feels weird

I've gotten three calls ---

I have my ringer turned off

because I'm not currently responding to fires

--- from a prison in Louisiana 

they don't say who is trying to call

I suspect a wrong number 

BUT 

last thing I knew

my brother john ---

who I haven't spoken to in like 

eighteen years

& that's how recent my information about his

whereabouts is 

--- was working on a boat

as a cook

OFFSHORE Louisiana 

it's a wrong number 

right?!

check in april 21st

I don't think I said anything yesterday 

I was feeling 

kinda off

I had

dreams about past jobs

sort of & I had an insecure moment or

SOMETHING 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

thoughts

I was going through an old photo album

edith (my hippie aunt) 

left with my mom 

who never gave it to me

& I found when I was

clearing out her 

house 

I found a picture she had taken

of Lombardi street

---the crookedest Street in the world---

& she had a note on it for me

because I was three & a half and likely wouldn't 

REMEMBER 

the note SAID 

this is a picture I took of Lombardi street 

joan really liked it

I REMEMBER 

VIVIDLY 

when edith directed us onto that street

& joan got a view of it

realized she couldn't back up

couldn't find any way

OUT of it

freaked out

& proceeded to wind the enormous whale of a car

down this street without hitting anything 

with maybe a soupcon of

here goes nothin'

because 

what the hell, ya know 

I felt EVERY BIT of THAT 

AND 

while I do believe she 

SAID 

something LIKE 

well THAT was FUN

my TAKE is that

the feeling was 

edith had done it, probably on purpose, but since she didn't drive there wasn't any point in saying anything because she would just SAY

OH I had NO IDEA

that might be stressful*

SO

no body ever called her on it

*I don't believe anythone ever said stressful back then

BUT 

the IDEA 

that joan enjoyed the experience 

that she would write me a 

NOTE

telling me

joan liked it 

SEEMS WEIRD 

to me

gonna try to sleep now

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

DUDE I had some DREAMS

I dreamed you made a ceramic bowl 

with my face painted on it

& bob dylan said he 

didn't like it

because 

you didn't take his advice & he's a painter too now

BUT

I loved it

then some stuff I don't remember 

& I was at this BIG art show

like booths in a huge mall or convention center 

or something 

& I came upon

this booth

SOMEONE I KNEW who they were in the DREAM 

she was incredibly famous 

SHE was demonstrating

some kind of laquering

TECHNIQUE 

& I walked up

& bob dylan was at her booth 

he loves her work

& it was a beautiful piece of wood

& there were little bits of wood

ON the wood surface 

that you couldn't really even SEE they just caught the light like little flecks of gold leaf

it was SUPER subtle

ALMOST CONCEPTUAL

& dylan and I hugged

I can't remember the feelings 

that led to that

MAYBE 

he was in a fluffy wool coat

because what I remember was a fluffy wooliness

then there was some more stuff I don't remember 

then I was walking 

through neighborhoods

sometimes secret streets

that ran inside apartment buildings 

sometimes semi wooded areas

& I came out in some sort of

insurance company building 

MAYBE 

I can't explain WHY I think that

then I walked out

& the platform outside the doors

led to stairs

that just ended in a way

that would lead you to

just walk off into 

NOTHING 

falling, probably to your death

I LOOKED WAY UNDER 

& it looked like it was built on top of the White House

there was a usable stair off to the side

& I got to the ground

BUT 

everything was

CRAZY

& there were groups of people 

that seemed like

they were

IDK

at a weapon

or some kind of operation 

& I started

RUNNING 

& I was surprised 

HOW FAST

I was younger physically, I'm pretty sure 

& I had the distinct impression that I was 

running through gunfire

I wasn't scared

& I'm not sure if I was trying to get to the road

BUT 

I woke up

& I don't remember where they fit in

but there was a 

BLUE

sculpture of a woman's head

GREEN

sculpture of a man

check in april 18th

it rained all day

BIG cold front

it's fifty six degrees

april is already summer here

so that's crazy

the front gave me a headache 

I'm gonna try to sleep now 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

better check in, maybe but the skincare team says they're killing it

SO

my question now is 

HOW 

do I deal with the 

STUFF 

without going off the deep end again

I MEAN 

I feel more solidly 

ME

& I EXPECT 

THAT

will help

BUT 

that part of my mind that always 

LIKE 

tries (sp?) to CONNECT the special interests

is all like 

psst --- it's not an empathy engine

stories based on mythic fairytale 

mission from g*d

CORRUPTION 

in the world

NARCISSISM 

religion 

weaving all the bits together 

this may or may not be clear enough to make sense 

it seems like a possible 

SOMETHING 

MAYBE 

maybe it's just me solving puzzles in my HEAD 

BUT 

I was contemplating 

HOW 

in case I could 

& I watched this video about language trends

& HOW it's CHANGING all the time 

ENGLISH was supposed to be dying 

it's the fastest growing language 

BECAUSE 

people all over the world want to watch 

english language videos

FRENCH 

second fastest language 

AFRICA 

& then ALSO in africa 

NIGERIAN pidgin

is growing 

FAST

because in nigeria they speak like five hundred languages 

SO

they're using nigerian pidgin

the way swahili is used regionally

& french --- in different regions 

BUT 

it's LIKE the MOST amazing 

SLANG 

& the rhythm

& the melodiousness

JARA

check in april 17th

I haven't listened to TK yet

I'm going to 

BUT 

I was in a mindset I'm trying to 

REINFORCE

& I can't 

enter into other mindsets while I do that

PROBABLY 

I will listen tomorrow 

BUT 

I did a thing I'm pretty excited about 

& even though you are unlikely to be super excited about it I want to share

ulta is having a sale 

it ends soon 

SO 

I was looking to see if anything I need

was on a good sale

& some things were

& I left something in my cart

& they sent me a 10% off coupon 

which surprisingly 

was usable on 

SALE items

& I have points

between the sale & the coupon & the points

I got months worth of skincare 

two hundred & sixty some dollars worth 

for eight dollars and eighty eight cents

I'm pretty impressed with that 

april 16th

I was thinking about 

those giant

BELT BUCKLES

that were

popular when I was a kid

& then I saw you

in some wrangler boot cut jeans

this elaborate toolwork belt

with the enormous 

BUCKLE 

your shirt

instead of being a western shirt 

was a kinda drapey

SILK

muscle shirt

& a straw hat --- like generic cowboy hat shape 

not spaghetti western flat

BUT 

it MIGHT 

have been 

trampled by something 

& then forced back into shape

& you are in that

james dean in giant

POSTURE 

that's either completely relaxed indifference

or arranged to show off attributes 

to elizabeth taylor 

I'm not sure WHY

goodnight sweetheart I LOVE you VERY much 

this came to me and I liked it thought I'd share, sleep now, goodnight sweetheart I LOVE you VERY much --- check in april 15th

It was like a backflip.  Graceful.  Arcing trustfall into the subconscious.  Sometimes the only way to know something was to feed it through the subconscious and let the dreams tell you.  Either that, or it was more complicated than that.

The bass line to Seven Nations Army boomed up through her body until it got caught up somewhere in the base of her skull.

check in april 14th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I mean, today was like springtime for h in the producers

they had to go all the way to

ARKANSAS?!

to find the

no tax on tips

photo op

DELIVERY driver 

& even she

was LIKE 

I don't have an opinion on 

men in women's sports 

I'm ONLY HERE for the

no tax on tips

I'm trying to go viral 

for the go fund me*

*she didn't say that go fund me part but she may as well have 

& WHAT

is that spikey head thing

in the "doctor" picture 

& MAYBE 

SPORTS 

are

just so much homoerotic to t*ump

secretary of state

at the fights 

with him

america

feelings

there's a feeling 

I'm feeling 

GREATFUL

but like somewhere 

BETWEEN 

thanks man

for always having my back

&

something else 

I'm finding 

HARD to

EXPRESS

romance / sports / mystery / brainteaser

LUCKY --- 

goodnight

I MEAN 

SO much random 

I was getting 

STUCK

on BAND AID commercial jingles

come Josephine in my flying machine 

NOW

I'm getting poker face

SO

WHAT does that mean 

I'm not being vulnerable enough?

THAT might NEED something 

I feel like I've been being 

vulnerable 

BUT 

I guess I didn't elaborate on 

all the ruminatory

& I think that was 

MORE because I didn't WANT to WRITE them

I'm not great at stopping 

is part of WHY

I run the 

fiddly fjords program

ya KNOW 

also though it's got the whole inner divinity thing

which KINDA reinforces

the sovereignty 

I'm always building the system

I guess

& the thing is 

I'm really 

NOT SURE 

how much of what I say actually makes sense

or I'm questioning and sensitive 

or something 

I'm not like being patronizing 

BUT 

SUDDENLY 

it seems like it could come off that way

OH

L-theanine 

bigish thoughts

valentinian gnosticism 

is interesting to me

it seems to iron out some of the 

PROBLEMS 

of earlier 

GNOSTICISM 

in a VERY elegant way

ALSO

they had this whole angle

which was

ALSO

elegant 

they were genuinely interested in 

EDUCATING people 

at a time when

people 

WANTED 

education --- which ALSO meant they were becoming the information people were taking to whatever branch of Christian they were

& then of course 

the message 

wasn't 

the

ESTABLISHMENT 

message 

SO

THEN it became necessary to preach 

AGAINST 

& THAT 

all becomes a LOT less interesting to me

BUT 

I've run up against a BIT 

I don't understand 

it's about there being 

a physical self

a soul self

a spirit self

I don't understand where is the distinction 

is it LIKE 

I'm made of meat

then I have a personality kind of thing

that's like MEMORY files of THIS experience 

MAYBE 

SEPARATE from 

what I assumed to be a SOUL which I assumed to be KINDA riding through 

MULTIPLES

of THIS sort of EXPERIENCE 

BUT 

THEN

WHAT 

is 

the SPIRIT 

I'm not SAYING 

HEY babe

I'm, like, a valentinian gnostic now

it's a fiddly little system 

but it's fiddly like fjords

& anyway 

I don't believe 

THEY

didn't THINK 

they 

KNEW 

BUT 

it isn't clear to me 

at least not from the prof's explanation 

BUT 

I really don't want to start reading 

SECONDARY 

materials

the way I'm trying to 

CONCEPTUALIZE 

although 

I'm not all together certain that I 

CAN

or actually even whether this is

CORRECT 

I THINK your SPIRIT 

is a PIECE of you

that is the

SPARK

BUT 

SOMETIMES 

it seems to be saying 

that the spark is like 

the BIT of the

ORIGINAL 

BREATH 

of LIFE 

down through the generations

cultivated, maybe 

& then

after

DEATH there's this WHOLE PROCESS 

where --- ya know how they were working on it 

you're spark bit gets rejoined with the 

ANGELIC HALF

you are brought BACK into

BALANCE 

rejoins the real god

AND

SOMETIMES 

your SPIRIT is 

MAYBE 

the PART that

has GNOSIS

& KNOWS

YOU are 

DIVINE 

these two seem opposite somehow 

in the one case it almost seems like 

it wouldn't & maybe even shouldn't 

KNOW ME 

maybe I'm wrong on that

it just seems like 

SPECIFICS

take you

CLOSER to SOUL

& SOUL

doesn't GET you to HEAVEN

BUT

if it's MY divinity

OR perhaps 

the UNDERSTANDING 

that ultimately 

I am a little 

PIECE of

heaven

do you SEE where they're 

LOSING me

anyway 

I was thinking about that stuff 

& THEN

I started dealing with 

STUFF 

& I really 

lost some ground there

the sprouts are doing good 

they require much less

attention than I was

giving them

I was over watering 

I have a bad tendency to over water

which probably comes as no 

surprise 

THEN 

I tend to force myself not to

& THEN forget entirely 

UNTIL the plant

DIES

I'm EATING these

SO I'm unlikely to forget about them

DID you KNOW 

the WHITE SOX had

a POPE HAT

give away

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

dream thoughts

the first restaurant 

it doesn't seem like what I was doing 

was waitressing 

I would get an order

& it came out a slot

& I went & dumped it in this vat of something 

SO

I guess I was more like cooking it

& I don't know if I was taking it

TO

people or what

THEN

I don't remember anything about the second place except maybe I was at the wrong place 

& the last place was a swanky place

I was talking to someone official 

manager, owner, not sure

& they were talking about their 

PROBLEMS 

& I was like

OH

I'm happy to help with that

I don't think I'm much of a waitress

BUT 

I UNDERSTAND 

working a line

getting things done 

what makes you think you aren't a good waitress 

she asked

I don't think I passed the on the job experience 

at (I can't remember the restaurant name)

I was sure I didn't get all the recipes right 

since no one told me any recipes 

& I hadn't realized that was part of the job

BUT 

I didn't mention that 

because that's just an excuse 

NOT relevant 

we talked about the market niche

the restaurant filled

& she commended me on the choice

& it really seemed like

she wanted me on the team

BUT 

I really don't know what that MEANS 

check in april 12th

I feel somewhat better today 

it's raining 

orban has already conceded

I had weird dreams 

about sort of waitressing 

at three restaurants 

I slept another

like thirteen hours

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

additional thoughts

I'm going to try to sleep now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope I'm not freaking you out

I read back through 

those two posts

& I'm not sure 

that they make a lot of sense 

I'm not trying to be weird 

I'm trying to let you know 

as best as I can explain 

what's going on 

in my HEAD 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

thoughts

OR

MAYBE 

that's projection

& YOU DO ALREADY have faith 

& I'm just WORRYING about you 

to deflect my attention from me

I'm in some way

not cooperating with myself 

& I'm NOT trying to blame that on you

check in april 11th

I slept like fifteen or sixteen hours 

I needed to emotionally process 

& I feel like I do that

BETTER 

SOMETIMES 

while sleeping 

I woke up

with

baby blue

(by badfinger)

in my HEAD 

SO

maybe I've got you worried 

& that is not my intention 

I'm just trying to 

FOCUS on ME 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

rather than worrying 

TRY to have FAITH 

that I CAN

get ahold of what I 

NEED to understand  

to figure my sh*t out

if I'm focused on worrying about you 

that's not fixing my problem 

SO

it's NOT against your interest 

does that make sense 

my first grade first semester teacher had long blonde hair she constantly twirled around her fingers like it was an unparallel bars routine

I didn't USED to 

PICK 

my FACE

I USED to 

PLAY

with my 

HAIR 

BUT 

when I was like

ten eleven twelve 

I got blackheads and pimples

SOMETIMES 

& my mom

would 

GO

AT

me

with a NEEDLE 

I'm not sure it happened very many times 

I started doing masks & stuff

the ONLY incident 

I really remember 

was at her parents house 

THAT 

was pretty intense 

& WHEN I'm picking 

there are different aspects 

BUT 

there's this bit

where I ask it to stop 

& it won't 

it WON'T 

I've been MOSTLY not

picking THAT badly 

& the skin care team -- they are focused on 

BARRIER REPAIR 

BUT 

I need to stop doing it

check in april 9th

I think I can express a little bit of my weirdness 

as

there is a level of me-ness

I'm looking for in myself 

& I'm not seeing it

YET

& I'm not freaking out or anything 

I'm trusting the process

BUT 

I had to start taking allergy pills

& it gives me a different 

HEADSPACE 

there's a WAY

in which I'm always

MORE FOCUSED 

on "other factors"

I think this is part of WHY I am so fascinated with JAPAN

this sort of ritualisation of what is expected of you not to inflict yourself 

not to have to have THAT active

to RELAX that

PART of the

BRAIN 

now, is it really like that

IDK

& it's a LOT of people 

I'm often not good in crowds

SO

perhaps it would be 

OVERWHELMING 

BUT 

I think that's the opposite of what I'm 

LOOKING for 

I THINK 

I'm looking for 

SOMETHING 

ME ---but MORE

SOMETHING 

& then even that doesn't seem to be saying 

anything terribly coherent 

SO

I'll give an example 

check in april 8th

I'm unable to articulate 

what's happening in my HEAD 

I had a bunch of dreams I don't remember 

BUT 

ACTIVE 

working through things 

I'm continuing to go through stuff 

BUT 

not as quickly as I'd like 

I feel like something about 

narcissism & capitalism 

is trying to write itself into a new 1984 something 

in my HEAD 

& I DO remember a piece of dream

you and I

we're standing on a lawn

in front of a large shrubbery 

I feel like we were

DISCUSSING 

something 

& that there was a chance that it was possibly 

IMMANENT 

that we would fling ourselves 

into each other's arms

& then I woke up 

OR

possibly someone came up to ask a question 

& then I woke up

BUT 

there was some kind of interruption

I LOVE you VERY MUCH 

I'm gonna try to sleep now 

goodnight sweetheart 

check in april 7th

I was pretty distracted by 

t*ump & his civilization destruction threats 

I figured he would not go through with it

BUT 

I wasn't sure what he would do 

I feel like 

SOMEHOW 

this KINDA 

consumed my attention 

I had dreams 

BUT 

I could only remember 

right before I woke up 

SOMEBODY 

was right up in my face 

standing in front of me 

& SAID 

welcome elder

& it KINDA freaked me out 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm gonna try to sleep now

goodnight 

check in april 6th

I've had 

FOOL on the HILL 

in my HEAD 

several different times 

not continuously 

OH

I stopped writing 

& WANDERED 

OFF

in thought 

& NOW

I've got grieg 

is that hall of the mountain king

WHAT is THAT 

ABOUT 

check in april 5th

I've been in a sort of liminal space all day

I decided I would rather sleep 

there was enough weather 

to give me a headache 

SO

I decided I would do qi gong

&

it was more difficult than I thought it would be 

I mean 

I'm not saying it was difficult 

I started with a very 

SIMPLE one

something about the stance

wasn't comfortable 

I kept having to 

stop and touch my toes

stretching out my back, I guess

& the funny thing is that I have been feeling MORE RELAXED 

I have a greater range of motion 

in my neck & shoulders & upper back

than I have memory of when

I'm not sure what was my problem 

I felt stiff & uncoordinated*

*I always want to put hyphens in these

I didn't do a lot of work on the room

physically just one project

BUT 

I walked around the space 

I did some pondering 

I made some postulated beginnings for rules

about what to throw away 

& what to donate

& what to keep 

to try to sell

I made some postulated orders of operations

for going through the things still in the room 

on the FLOOR and the CHAIR

I have this rug I didn't want to put down

after the apartment flooded

that I'm thinking 

WALL

that seems like a lot of work 

I've just about worked myself around to FLOOR 

this rug

I was driving around 

& this shop was going out of business 

so the rug was at least fifty percent off 

& I still had to talk myself 

into it it was SO MUCH MORE than my

COMFORT ZONE 

I'm not sure it's 

CALM though

it's this

KINDA 

burgundy--magenta wool kilim

with I wanna say

orange spikey wheels woven in with 

some white accents

ACTUALLY 

it MIGHT be TOO big for FLOOR

I'm unreasonably tired

for someone who didn't DO that much 

check in april 4th

I have to not forget to take my l-theanine

I've been forgetting 

& then I FEEL 

the ANXIETY 

I would naturally be like

NO, let me back up

there is sometimes a problem with doing the things & forgetting the self care

BUT 

when I have forgotten 

I become AWARE of it & take the STUFF 

I was thinking about it

I have USED the 

CRUTCHES

& NOW

I'm not EVEN really snacking

I haven't moved the needle on the picking

I'm watching the qi gong videos

I'm not YET doing the

stretches

BUT 

I'm impressing myself on the STUFF front

I'm trying to do a variety of things

to get at the CORE 

a SPACE that

FEELS that that SERENE 

HOTEL vibe

BUT 

it's ALSO 

KINDA

it's a test of the can you interact with the real world well enough to set of something you want WHY have you NEVER really 

got THIS right

NOT 

I have all these THINGS 

that MUST be CONFIGURED 

RATHER 

HOW 

DO I 

WANT 

THIS 

to BE

ALSO

abraham hicks I THINK maybe

CRIBBED off

neville goddard 

& videos of decorators rearranging furniture 

short attention span

only two chapters in on shaolin

NOW

I've got peace train stuck in my HEAD 

SOUNDS like 

cat stevens did he do peace train

YES

I think it would be good for me to

SLEEP 

I'm probably going to tibetan buddhism tomorrow 

unless it's raining 

street flooding 

is a possibility 

SO

if it's raining 

& truthfully 

I want to

FINISH

the 

ROOM

BUT 

they're doing a teaching 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

check in april 4th

I've been thinking about 

all the stuff I've been 

going through 

although maybe going through sounds dramatic 

& I'm not trying to be dramatic 

BUT 

I'm not sure WHY I had to do all that

I FEEL like I DID 

BUT 

I can't really 

EXPLAIN 

WHY

I'm having SO MUCH better FOCUS 

with the improved nervous system 

& I really feel like 

I'm making progress 

I dreamed about 

a BIG ship

not super close

to the street full of shops and restaurants 

it was dry docked and I kept looking over at it

trying to figure out what it was there for

what it meant

& there kept being 

BLACK SMOKE 

was it coming from the ship

& how should I interpret 

the smoke

there was MORE 

conversations

maybe shopping 

maybe meals

BUT 

I can't remember 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 

check in april 3rd

HEY

were you with me last night/this morning 

I thought I felt you

& I felt held

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

check in april 2nd

I went through things

moved furniture around 

& lugged stuff

to the dumpster 

THEN 

I went & had a lie-down

& fell asleep 

THEN

I woke up

ate something 

& I've been 

measuring things

& thinking 

& watching videos 

BUT 

I haven't gotten any more accomplished 

my head hurts

so I'm probably going back to sleep soon 

pebbles are beautiful 

& so are you

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

check in april 1st

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I feel like I was in some kind of 

FLUX

I can't make any of it 

coherent 

I'm starting a shaolin audible book

I need to sleep 

I'll try to be

coherent 

TOMORROW 

🫶

up late picking

I'm not asleep yet

I NEED to QUIT picking at my face

I found out

it's a form of stimming

I'm not certain whether what I'm doing is stimming or more of a neurotic thing

BUT 

IF

it's stimming 

it OUGHT to be 

plug & play switched

for a DIFFERENT 

STIM

that spinning I used to do

ALSO 

possibly 

STIMMING 

check in march 31st

I have been WEIRD today 

out of calibration 

BUT 

I got some STUFF DONE 

SO

I'm not complaining 

BUT 

I wasn't properly able to appreciate (hah spelled right even before spelling arbitration)

the beauty

nescafe

it turns out that woodpecker 

is LUCKY & opportunity 

KNOCKING 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

more thoughts

OH

ps

my KNEE feels 

pretty good 

TODAY

which 

I thought was

AWESOME 

check in march 30th

I can in no way quantify 

BUT 

something has shifted

AGAIN 

haven't cracked the blind spot puzzle

YET

I feel more solid than I often do

I'm re-living some of that stuff with my mom

& I'm sort of metabolizing it

is how it feels to me 

the things t*ump does that I 

RECOGNIZE 

& I feel like maybe that's where we came in on the CRAZY 

leading into the pandemic 

I hadn't been doing well for some time already

& THEN everything else got 

end of the world-ish

with the pressers every day

& it's plague times

& THEN

I just went to the

TOXIC CORE

& then for a while

a little cross triggering 

& idk if I'm making sense 

I had a lot of FEELS 

which I guess was good 

BUT 

it wasn't all living in the moment 

I went to the grocery store 

SO

three days in a row

leaving the house

engaging in extroverted sensing

proximity to humans

STILL 

I don't think THAT 

REALLY 

captures it

I think I need some sleep 

& DREAMS are important 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

signs march 29th

I saw a woodpecker today

I haven't seen one

since I was a kid

what does a woodpecker mean 

as an animal guide 

I read stuff but it seems unclear

perhaps persistence or resilience 

which doesn't feel like the same thing

or strength 

SO

generally hang in there baby vibes

BUT 

also the drumming quality 

it's got 

hey this here is a sign 

VIBES

BUT 

I had completely forgotten about it 

& the reading at meditation 

was exactly the thing I'm trying to do 

do different things 

BREAK 

your patterns 

it forces you to engage with the present moment 

I feel like I've got some blind spots

I feel like I'm sensing 

THAT

I'm not SEEING something 

that if I saw it

EVERYTHING 

would be

BETTER 

I feel like 

I've been doing this slide

between some aspects of reality

& the picture of the world I'm currently juggling 

is hard to navigate 

the perspectives 

it's hard to explain but from my perspective 

they don't seem to ever just 

LINE UP

& THAT SOUNDS 

CRAZY

it's NOT that DRAMATIC 

but it hovers or something 

but I'm starting to feel like it's converging 

the STUFF is a sign of

SOME sort of reality 

BYPASSING 

I can't 

EXPLAIN 

when I was in the room in austin

I had been SO freaked out 

SO beyond STRESSED

from all the mom stuff that when I was in the room with the whole 

VISUAL REST

it made me realize that that stuff

WORKS

I gotta fix my visual clutter

& I made a plan

TODAY 

using all the strategies I've learned so far

I'm excited to see 

HOW 

it's gonna work 

I've got

let the sunshine in

face it with a grin

open up your

HEART and let the sunshine in 

playing in my HEAD 

there's a lot going on in there

& I am not sure 

HOW MUCH 

of it I'm not 

SEEING 

I need to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

check in march 29th

I don't think I can do the april 

I would really like to 

& yes, GENIUS 

& TREE!

notes march 28th

and

there is

JOY

in walking down the middle of the street

LOOKING UP

it's an angle you might

never otherwise 

SEE

at one point 

when I was kinda

disappointingly hobbly

I joked with myself 

I'm in walking dead*

*which I never really watched 

possibly incoherent ramblings

I'm trying to work out

a rollercoaster 

METAPHOR 

or

ASTROWORLD 

had

the Texas Cyclone 

it was an old Coney Island wood rollercoaster 

ya sit in the

FRONT 

or

ya sit in the

BACK 

BOTH

they were good in different ways 

in the front you SEE EVERYTHING 

it is tight maybe compressed

it is FOCUSED 

in the BACK

you are lifting up out of your

SEAT

you are

HOLDING ON

the physical experience is 

in some ways

MORE INTENSE 

because you don't really know what is coming 

and the experience of the march

doesn't MAP 

the the rollercoaster 

the concept of the front & the back being completely different experiences 

is all I'm trying to get at

TODAY 

I didn't MEAN to be

at the FRONT 

I enjoyed the last march with the tuba & sax

walking to music is 

BETTER 

the front was a crowded experience 

they had a truck with people with

megaphones

people got excited when

the chant was

F*CK t*ump

or

F*CK ICE

all the many chants about other things 

LESS excited 

there were some organized groups 

BUT MOSTLY 

it was little clumps of

TWO & THREE

with their OWN concerns

it felt like THAT 

BEFORE 

the clumps of two or three

spread out

this is

pressed together 

I can tell I'm not managing to convey

& I need to go to sleep 

tibetan buddhism 

TOMORROW 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

notes on march 28th

I love the signs

the THINGS 

people care about

or HOW 

they are presenting 

I enjoy that

a CROWN

on a fool

is

just a HAT

WAR CRIMES 

don't cover SEX CRIMES

the only thing SAFE in america

is the epstein files

don't make me 

REPEAT myself 

--- history 

there was a guy

had a sign

it was like a blow up  ---  monopoly card

GO directly to JAIL 

DO NOT PASS GO

do NOT collect $200

I had a non-verbal show of approval

& it was one of those lovely

human interaction 

moments 

MAKE ORWELL fiction AGAIN 

there was this one

it was beautiful 

I wasn't seeing it up close 

I think it said  IMAGINE 

and then it had an image

of t*ump on fire

an elephant 

shooting fire out of it's trunk

said GOP 

on it's side

notes march 28th

they didn't have porta-cans

we're using the library 

SO

standing in line

this woman wearing a vest - thing 

SAYS

safety marshal

or something like that 

TELLING them -- it's like a bookclub 

THAT'S the atmosphere 

it's LIKE 

we're standing around talking about the CONSTITUTION 

& it reminded me of bill hicks

I understood what he meant KINDA 

when he said 

MAYBERRY 

with three

MILLION 

people 

somehow, I GOT it TODAY

March 28th check in

I expect this no kings to be

BIGGER 

I'm not sure what the actual numbers were 

we walked all the way down to the 

I think it's a bayou

if you keep going 

you end up

at UH

downtown 

BUT 

I knew it was further before I could SEE it

my knee was like

WTSF b*tch

& I'm hobbling a bit

it was a little 

different 

I thought about you a lot

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I might not say a lot today I'm processing a lot

good morning/day/ check in sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

you took me by surprise 

I'm not sure what 

to tell you yet

BUT 

I'm overwhelmed with not wanting to 

FREAK you out

by not telling you 

SOMETHING 

I feel like I am a hot mess

THAT 

is what I'm telling you right now 

I gotta figure out 

& I feel like 

idk right now

however 

what I can tell you

is

YOU are MAGIC 

& I LOVE you VERY much 

check in march 26th

I have had

LUKE 

the

DRIFTER

in my HEAD all day

not sleeping yet

I feel like 

I screwed something up 

because of getting something wrong 

& I'm not sure if it was something 

to do with 

my dreams 

or having the thing about my mom

& the people from the studio 

are calling

& that brings in

the whole female friend thing

& then maybe I made you feel some kinda way

OR

just didn't respond to the right thing in the right WAY

maybe I didn't do anything wrong 

& I just feel SAD

BUT 

I was farther TODAY from the 

VIBING with the UNIVERSE 

than I have been 

SOME other

DAYS

SO

I'm gonna try to sleep NOW 

& WAKE UP

CLOSER

to the 

person I 

WANT 

to be 

🫶

I'm gonna sleep soon

it makes me SAD to think 

YOU might have thought

I was doing that

I remember HOW I used to 

SPIRAL

thinking about 

the things

you MIGHT think 

I was saying 

BAD

it made me 

FEEL 

MUCH 

MORE

LOVED

when I let go of THAT 

SO

I'm going to 

NOT think

you were thinking I was saying 

THAT

I enjoy thinking 

that you feel confident in 

& this kind of

protectively strong towards

SOLID LOVE

& even if this is in some ways 

perhaps inaccurate or 

unrealistic 

I don't want to be worried about 

whether or not you

are worried 

about us

I'm not saying you are

BUT 

I've got 

STUFF 

working against me

I need not to add

worries

I LOVE you 

I'm gonna stop talking 

goodnight sweetheart 

I just thought of something

ALSO 

I wasn't talking about 

macking on women 

I was talking about 

having problems 

dealing with being 

AROUND 

them

I'm not trying to 

make you feel insecure 

that just occurred to me 

that you might think that

YOU 

are the only one I'm ever thinking about 

ROMANTICALLY 

& I don't think I have done a good job with that

I'm not looking to branch out

I just think

it's weird that I don't feel comfortable around 

WOMEN

I've mentioned it before 

ALTHOUGH 

it might

PARTIALLY be

a neurodivergent thing

and men don't have the same systems

I feel like there is a

NORM enforcing aspect to women

that I don't FEEL the same way

with men

in groups

which

isn't anything to do with attraction 

THAT probably 

SCARES me any time I recognize it 

slight venting

@#$!!*#@

AMERICA FIRST AWARD 

sounds like they

are planning to give it to him

ANNUALLY 

(that super looks spelled wrong)

HOW LONG 

before they're going door to door 

taking people's gold jewelry 

to melt down 

for WEEKLY 

AWARD 

MEDALS

red states got the waffle house, but blue cities not so much

HEY 

there's nothing LIKE 

WAFFLE HOUSE 

BUT 

there's no waffle house in town 

I think the nearest one to me

is out hwy six or something 

BUT 

there's an IHOP close enough for me to 

WALK to

it's not super cool

BUT 

if we can get IHOP in the network 

it would be 

VERY CONVENIENT 

for the 

TELEPORT 

thoughts

SO

I have an IDEA to get around the 

AIRPORT problem

& if we get

CREATIVE 

maybe the gas

PROBLEM 

TOO 

FIRST 

everyone 

TELEPORT 

to WAFFLE HOUSE 

then we can set up a 

BICYCLE 

RICKSHAW 

service 

THAT 

takes care of red states

BUT 

WHAT is the

BLUE state equivalent of 

WAFFLE HOUSE 

check in march 25th

I've had a weird day so far

my mom told them

they couldn't move her

until I had toured the facility 

I mean she didn't call me to ask me

it's just me somehow 

gumming up the works

SO

I had to explain 

& say I would not be doing that 

& blah blah

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

WEIRD dreams

I had upsetting dreams 

there was one

I was in a pet store

somebody was playing with a cat

with a big knife

& they cut off it's leg

& then we're like

oh, I don't want it now

& walked off

while the poor cat was bleeding & trying to follow them on its bloody bone stump

I was trying to get the shop person's attention 

to help the cat

& they were like

they didn't want to upset the customer 

& I didn't know what to do

then I was in another shop

& I found a cool felt tip pen I was gonna buy

& for some reason 

I wrote my name on the box

MAYBE 

I was testing the pen out

I wouldn't do that in real life

I had to use their restroom 

& while I was in there

the pen started smoking

& subsequently melting

& I thought about

just leaving it

BUT 

I HAD written my name on it

& I thought about taking the box

leaving the pen

BUT 

I decided to tell the shop person 

because 

I MEAN 

they should know THAT was a THING that could 

HAPPEN

& by that time it was freaky melted

TWISTED 

they thanked me and I went on my way

THEN

I was in a

I want to say restaurant 

BUT 

must have been back of house 

& I had some like hand truck 

that I was wheeling through 

their area

& one guy said

hey

here

would you like a schematic to our

SANITIZER 

& I'm all LIKE 

I LOVE sanitizing

took the sheet of paper

& wheeled my hand truck out of the maze of counters

PAST

what honestly looked like

GAVIN NEWSOME

OUT 

of the building 

& into a hallway which had an elevator 

I needed to get the hand truck

ANGLED INTO

gonna try to sleep now

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I still think

the madras is symbolic of something 

I don't think I'd ever wear anything 

THAT loud

on PANTS

JACKET 

MAYBE 

my thoughts on recent dreams

I was questioning 

how I don't seem to be friends with women much

I don't feel comfortable around them

& MAYBE 

that's just women my age & older

BUT 

it's a thing that is a ME thing

SOMETIMES 

I think it's because of deborah & my mom

SOMETIMES 

I think it's got to do with the non-binary thing 

BUT 

I was thinking about it 

calling myself into 

QUESTION 

then also 

when I did my nam myoho renge kyo 

I set the intention to 

SEE MORE CLEARLY 

WHAT I WANT 

because I feel like I am still trying to get at THAT 

& I had dreams 

BUT 

I wasn't sure 

HOW 

to interpret them

I was having a picnic

with a woman who I was trying to be friends with 

I was TALKING to her

THROUGH the WINDOW 

of a car

turned upside down 

neither of us 

we're IN the CAR

we were on opposite sides of the car

I was handing her things through the window 

she was on the opposite side of the car

I was mixing her

an iced tea

in test tubes

I was trying to decide 

HOW MUCH SUGAR

to put in her tea

when I woke up

I thought maybe this was telling me 

I really want 

female friendships

& I need to do the

EXTRA WORK 

to make this happen 

BUT 

thinking about it all day 

I don't think that's what it is telling me 

I think it was MORE like trying to represent to me

WHAT it's LIKE

THEN

there was another part of the dream

or maybe an entirely different 

DREAM 

I moved around through the WORLD 

& I found these

PANTS

they were 

MADRAS PLAID --- shades of PINK

thicker material cut like those

pants I think look good on me

stretchy comfortable 

BUT 

they also had like a baby pink piping

I was pretty happy with them

and I was sitting in a comfortable chair 

on a nice patio

with plants

& some young person I KNEW in the DREAM 

--- I think they were male but I'm not entirely sure 

came by and said 

you look COOL in those pants

can I take your picture 

& THEN

ALL of a SUDDEN 

I'm comfortable with having my picture taken

& everything is EASY & FUN 

& I'm looking UP 

what does it mean when you DREAM of 

MADRAS PLAID PANTS

I don't think the type of fabric is the point

I'm not sure that I've CAUGHT 

ALL the nuance

BUT 

SOMETHING like 

be yourself 

DON'T WORRY about TRYING 

those that LIKE you

will self select

check in march 24th

I had some dreams 

I'm still thinking about 

what they mean

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I'm gonna try to sleep now

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

sprouts on goat cheese on rice cakes

HARVEST

i slept at least another eight hours

I had some long long dreams 

I was sleeping in the dirt

HAPPILY

I THOUGHT 

in the front yard

of a building I used to live in

THEN

some guy

came over and took a spot too close to me

couldn't SEE him -- couldn't assess him

didn't FEEL SAFE anymore

got up & walked to the door keys in hand

looking behind me

somewhat scared

DOOR didn't LOOK right 

I wasn't where I thought I was

I went to find someplace

SAFE

I ended up in an old diner

not like fancy FIXED UP

just old but funky

& I found myself in an odd corner

I need to get SOMEWHERE 

I think I was thinking of another place I had lived

a BUS came by

OH I thought 

I didn't know a bus came by here

I wonder HOW LONG until the next one

BUT 

in the way SOMETIMES if you are playing 

say city skylines 2, using anarchy because the

actual game works KINDA sh*TTYL and you want stuff to line up and fit

the bus phased right into the building 

& as it came by

I could just STEP ONTO the INSIDE of the BUS

I went through these beautiful 

LUSH areas that SEEMED 

TOO THICK with foilage to even pass through 

BUT 

I don't remember getting off the bus

I was in this WILD MCM media room

I was in an enormous leather chair

& there were TWO television sets

one on top of the other

LIKE 

thouse double ovens you sometimes saw

in fancy kitchens on cooking shows

& me and SOMEONE else 

we're going OVER and ANALYZING 

SOMETHING 

I can't quite remember 

HISTORICAL 

CULTURAL 

something 

THEN

I was talking to a couple of people 

I knew in the dream 

in some kind of 

GROUP 

but it also seemed like a game

& I kept trying to get information from them

& they were only answering me in these

VAGUE non-informational

SHORT answers 

& I'm LIKE 

WTF

are you not looking anything up 

NO, they said

we have to leave the stream for that

I'm LIKE 

YEAH I KNOW 

I'm leaving the stream every few minutes 

& it's a pain to get back in the flow

NOT JUST THAT

you don't GAIN COINS if you LEAVE the STREAM

I don't even know what you're talking about 

I SAY 

WHAT do COINS 

DO for you

that makes them

IMPORTANT ENOUGH 

to be worth

doing a crappy job at what we are

SUPPOSED to be DOING 

AND THEN

I'm in a house 

& I have something set up

in the idk

EXHAUST SYSTEM 

MAYBE 

it's hooked up to the

STOVE

for SURE 

BUT 

I THINK 

it runs through the HVAC as well

& SUDDENLY I look in this cabinet

& there is this LIKE 

WALL

of what looks like broken bits of

SALTINE CRACKERS 

being sucked up from SOMEWHERE 

I keep WANTING to take a picture of it 

because it is going UP

in a WAY 

that SEEMS 

CONTRARY to GRAVITY 

& there is SO MUCH of it

LIKE 

HOW could the SYSTEM 

EVEN FUNCTION

with all this 

CRAP

gumming up the 

WORKS

& then I woke up

with kd lang singing three days in my HEAD 

I stayed in bed a long time 

THINKING about the DREAMS 

& I may have even gone back in

BUT 

I FEEL like 

I FIGURED SOMETHING OUT 

I don't KNOW if it is ME

or the system 

or BOTH 

& my head does 

HURT

but I feel 

BETTER about EVERYTHING somehow 

it's a LOT of SLEEP though