test - ok since it'll let me post - check in may 20th

I really don't know why this thing

posts sometimes 

& doesn't post

other times 

I really do think

it's the universe trying to get me to

do or not do things

BUT 

it's erratic and 

STRANGE

I had

what felt like 

QUANTUM entanglement 

pretty strongly 

I'm using my thumb nails to play

because thumbs aren't loud enough 

& hurt

but it's slower & not as accurate 

SO

if I'm going to improve 

I'm wondering if 

duct tape

might work 

anyway

I like some it

BUT 

I guess the limited palate of notes

does give a more limited

range of notes

I was just surprised because they

SOUNDED more different 

when I was recording them

I love the wa wa sound

the buzz is sometimes great

& sometimes a little much

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I might be getting a handle on the sleep cycle

I'm not sure if that's the thing to do

or not

the PROCESSING 

or has been 

better

BUT 

maybe it isn't now

I was feeling like I was making good progress 

but I had this last little bit 

hasn't felt like progress

it doesn't feel like 

I know what's going on 

which is a little scary 

I might be able to play this, must build sustainable thumb calluses

my thumbs already hurt

LOOK 

I love you

& if you decide 

I'm too difficult I'm not gonna blame you

BUT 

I don't want to assume that your 

LOVE

is going to go away 

THAT'S 

a thing I have trouble with from my 

family of origin

I think you are

MAGIC 

if I don't tell you the right way

at the right time 

I still think

you're 

MAGIC 

update

the package got here really quick 

it shipped friday 

it's already 

here

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

it's more difficult than it looked

will you post this

I suddenly have to tell you

I ordered the kalimba

on some level

to play with you 

or for you

& I'm not saying 

NO to anything 

let's see if it lets me post this

I can tell something is going on

I'm not sure what 

I'm definitely having emotions 

that I don't know where they're coming from 

SO

I'm trying to find my brain 

I'm trying to do it quickly 

this tension 

throws me off

I want to be 

NOT

some weird way I've been before 

I want to be

OPEN 

to whatever goodness is possible 

NOT

limited by my past pattern

YOU 

are the only thing that has ever made me want to

LIVE

THAT sounds slightly psychotic 

we've talked about it before 

but I guess what I want to underscore here is

YOU gave me HOPE 

for LIFE 

I want to know you as well as I can

I don't want to hurt you or trap you in any way 

I feel like there's something 

I'm not doing or saying 

BUT 

I don't know if that's because I'm picking it up 

OR

if I'm having some fall back paranoia 

check in may 18th

TODAY 

it's letting me post 

what's up with that

I'm sad

& I keep hearing 

the sound clip of the buzzy kalimba

SO

what does that mean

I can't imagine that anything I said 

about myself was offensive 

& honestly I'm at a point where 

MAYBE 

I should be less concerned about being offensive 

BUT 

I don't understand why I'm sad

are you quitting me

I'm so weird

I'm guessing I'm right

BECAUSE 

I'm hearing 

under african skies

in my HEAD 

more thoughts

I had trouble posting 

& I decided 

THAT

was the universe telling me 

I needed to write 

on substack

& I was

going to

I was trying to figure out 

HOW 

& I started this thing

that I THOUGHT I liked

BUT 

then I got up

& I read a thing

& I went back to sleep 

& had some DREAMS 

& the dreams 

didn't make sense 

I don't know how much that influenced 

check in may 16th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart

bespoke dances not social constructs

I found a video 

which 

finally explained for me

what I've been trying to explain 

for years

it really helped me 

ALSO

bespoke dances

tall in the saddle

after the dream of falling & calling your name out

these are the roots of rhythm 

& roots of rhythm remain 

the personal vibration 

the wave

of the person

is important to me 

I interact with that

it was a good day

I think it's an

EARWORM 

I've been hearing it

ALL day 

I think 

between all the permutations of

mbira/kalimba/kongoma/

etc

there are lots of 

sound variations 

I'm getting 

KINDA

like I got with chords

only I have more

EXCITEMENT 

it's supposed to ship tomorrow 

I have this

unified front of excitement 

ALL the PARTS 

are LIKE 

we play an instrument 

NOW 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I FEEL 

FUN-er

for a while

I don't think I've felt fun at all

for a while now

I'm like the full spectrum of 

the goofiest woody guthrie song he wrote for his kids about hanukkah to

some extended

julian cope

poet is 

priest

mix

&

I'm into it

I'm going to try to sleep 

YOU are MAGIC 

test

it wouldn't let me post again 

the universe 

may be

telling me 

SOMETHING 

if you have gaps in communication from me

KNOW that it's not that 

I've stopped 

it's that I'm having 

technical difficulties 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

YOU are MAGIC 

long talk gotta sleep

when I'm stressed

or too think-y 

I have two things that I love to listen to 

handpan drumbs

& RAIN 

they both

resonate 

wash through me with sound

when I was trying to decide what the vibration 

of ME is

when I heard the mbira

felt resonant 

then I found this thing

it's a lot of different SOUNDS 

it's a very resonant kalimba with the rattle board

& I don't know if it's songwriting instrument 

I just know that if playing an instrument 

every day was a THING 

THAT'S 

the one I want to play

it might be

PURELY 

ceremonial 

maybe it's meditation 

maybe it's therapy 

there's a physical-ness to the playing of it

I'm pretty beginner I just got a ten key

which might be limiting 

it's in pentatonic g

which as it turns out

is mostly the same notes on the handpan

I figure nothing I do would sound terrible 

I learn what I like

I'll be able to put together 

combinations that I like

nothing says

it has to be a rapid succession of notes

especially with the wa wa factor

it's only got two not four

of the bottle cap resonators

so I hope that doesn't lose too much of the 

RAIN sound

it's pretty compact

it's LIKE 

eight 

by

slightly less than four

when I was really little

I had bongos

I don't know where they came from

& I'm not saying that I 

COULD 

play the bongos 

at ANY point

BUT 

I know the way you need to move your wrist

to get the SOUND 

I LIKE 

right

I had a thing for tambourines

there was a certain sound

& of course 

you can use the wrist thing

the reason I have

the collection 

is about

certain sounds 

I find soothing 

& about the whole shamanic trance thing

I'm not sure if I've got good 

ENOUGH 

rhythm

I KNOW in ballet

the teacher

would try

to get us to tell her what the time was 

& I don't know what my problem was 

but I just could not put that together 

three four time

four four time

or

something 

I feel like

maybe I slide off beat somehow 

maybe my attention wanders

the walking on tip toes

MIGHT 

be autism

the SPINNING 

might

have been

STIMMING 

those where the things that led to the conclusion 

dance lessons 

BUT 

I loved dance

& I got it all twisted up with

BALLERINA 

BUT 

it was about

FEELING 

ENERGY 

in a particular way

& I can't spin anymore, REALLY 

I need to move the energy through my body

there's some way

that I need to

GROUND 

myself 

I

think I may be connecting things

that might seem

unconnected

I need to sleep 

I wasn't gonna stay up

so late tonight 

BUT 

my cat got out

& I couldn't sleep until he came back

then I got started

I feel like I 

might not be speaking in a way that

makes SENSE 

I feel like 

I'm speaking some kind of shorthand maybe 

that has to be deciphered 

I'm not trying to do that

I dreamed for a long time & it seemed like 

I was really working through stuff 

I came away with this 

WEIRD 

I want to call it awareness 

of like some kind of processing upgrade

like solid body something 

where the thing doesn't need spaces

it runs cooler

I'm not sure what I'm talking about 

at any rate

I didn't get up till evening 

I'm all turned around 

which probably 

isn't good 

or

maybe 

it is

more thoughts

I am also

LEGITIMATELY 

fascinated by plate tectonics 

I have watched people's eyes go dull

listening to me try to explain it 

BUT 

I love all that earth stuff 

it's LIKE 

those

TOWEL MACHINES 

they had when I was a kid

the plates do THAT*

they come out

in the DEEP OCEAN

USUALLY 

*they don't really because they aren't connected it's more of a free floating situation, but there is subducting on the other end and that seems like the same thing to my child brain that delighted in machines I embarrassed my aunt joan one time because I wanted coins for the tampon machine I was obsessed with putting coins in gumball machines.  remember gumball machines?

test, it wasn't letting me post yesterday, I tried a bunch of times -- so I figured whatever I was saying wasn't supposed to be seen for some reason -- this test posted & then I wrote this -- let's see if it posts

my point

was

NOT 

that it was too math-y

my point

was that I couldn't concentrate on 

what was going on

in the class

UNTIL

I understood 

GRAVITY 

SO

I had to go and get an

ISAAC ASIMOV

BOOK

that explained astro- physics 

to people who weren't 

MATH-y

& I gotta admit 

EVEN THAT

was pretty tough going

BUT 

I DID feel like

I had a grasp

BUT 

I wasn't gonna be able to keep up

SO

I did end up dropping 

BUT 

it didn't make me less interested

it just made me understand 

my limitations 

& none of this

is about my bowling average

I'm still talking about

HOW I move through the WORLD 

check in may 9th

BIG 

move forward 

on the neck and shoulder 

BODY 

whatever 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm gonna try to sleep now

I realize 

I didn't talk today 

I'm having FEELS about 

a bunch of stuff 

& they're 

not

really talk-about-able

YET

& MAYBE 

some of them won't be coherent enough to talk about at all

& MAYBE 

some of them I don't want to talk about 

I'm kinda grieving who I hoped my mother 

MIGHT be 

& I've been staying away from the news

because I don't want to have to feel that way about ameriKKKa too

I'm trying to connect to 
ME and my 

narrative thread

but I've been a little down today 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

sleep now, maybe

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I've never been able to read

proust

I looked dr freeland up

she's retired now

I think she had just started (more or less)

when I was taking her classes

she hadn't written her books yet

there are parts of me

I haven't taken out to look at

for a long time 

tori amos has a new

like really new

album

when I met you

I still remember the strange

supernatural quality about the atmosphere 

like I could SEE our auras or something 

I watched a video about twin flames

& THAT could be what's going on 

that could explain the quantum entanglement 

& that image I used to have

about us embracing 

& bursting into flames

I'm not sure how it all fits together 

is that a vision

LIKE 

OH

it will be 

SO 

HOT

at this point

it's LIKE 

we've been together forever 

BUT 

not yet been together 

& that's an unusual 

thing

lots of thoughts

I took a nap today too

I dreamed

that my mother said she was going

to the West Coast to have

a brain tumor removed 

she seemed perfectly 

cogent

BUT 

was trying to get me to come look at

some leaded crystal

she clearly wanted me to take

& I was like

NO

I don't want more

STUFF 

& I was just happy she wasn't 

SENILE

although not specifically interested

in the brain tumor

STORY

I thought of a joke

my mother is a narcissist 

her pronouns are 

I/me/mine

I also thought about ways

to use the science film I saw before lunch

in fourth grade

as some kind of metaphor for 

my identity 

it was about snail reproduction 

snails are all both sexes

they mate

by sticking their 

HEADS together into some big yucky joining

where they exchange genetic material 

& THEN 

they

BOTH go off and have babies

I found it disturbing 

I almost couldn't eat lunch

BUT 

there's a WAY 

in which 

THAT

seems more relatable 

than any of this

HUMAN 

stuff

although maybe that's memes

before memes meant internet stuff

I can remember saying to dr freeland

that I wasn't all that worried about 

passing on my genes

because I wasn't sure they were

all that great anyway 

based on my family 

BUT 

MAYBE 

I DID 

want some of my memes to go on

which was deeper and more sensical before it was dumb internet jokes

I wish I had gotten to know her

a little better now 

I think she had 

a LOT of anxiety 

she had a good friend who was schizophrenic 

& she re-read proust

remembrance of things past

every year or so

to check herself

against herself 

she taught my philosophy of women class

& 19th century philosophy 

& images of madness in art & philosophy

which was an undergrad philosophy 

& a graduate art class

team taught

with I don't remember who in the art department 

the philosophy was mostly 

FOUCAULT 

& she asked me one time

in the philosophy of women class 

what is a political lesbian 

& I KNEW she was asking me because she wanted to know my take on it

not some pat answer

& I had to answer 

I really don't know 

there was a woman in the class

who kept saying that SHE was a political lesbian 

but she didn't ask her

it SEEMED to me 

if you're saying you're a political lesbian 

what you're trying to say

is you are trying to 

wiggle out of

the

SEX

PART

but still trying to keep 

the radical part

not saying 

for example 

I am womyn-centered

or

I am engaged in a family unit

that de-centers patriarchy 

instead --- I sleep with women

for political reasons 

& WHAT does THAT even MEAN

I was at a lesbian bar

& I NEVER had any success at them

on this particular occasion 

I was sitting at the bar

there weren't many people there

& I was talking to a guy

who was at the bar

& I kinda assumed he had just wandered in

he was from out of town 

& I was enjoying talking to him

the way one might enjoy

talking to a guy at a bar

if you were 

ALSO

a guy

it NEVER in a million years occurred to me 

that he was trying to pick me up

ANYWAY 

we closed the bar down

& there was a coffee shop attached

& I asked if he wanted to continue talking there

at which point

he explained something about 

his wife loving the generally approved

lesbian curriculum and he was hoping that

THAT was what I was interested in

the IDEA that he was

in fact

trying to pick me up

freaked me the f*CK out

& it was an ick moment

& a suddenly unsafe moment

& I guess it's a bookend

to the guy who tried to pick me up

when I was at the mining company with friends 

the mining company was a gay denim/leather bar

which was my favorite gay bar

although they didn't really 

like women there that much

he might have been bi

I don't think he was confused about where he was

but michael jones had just done a mild

cigarette -- nipple round

that I think this guy might have witnessed

SO

he might have had reason to think I'd be fun

& honestly 

HE

didn't freak me out 

I just wasn't trying to be with men then

& I was out with friends 

SO

not looking for 

a pick up

BUT 

my near misses at being picked up

don't make much sense 

& no ick from him

he seemed like

a real person 

& his reasons seem

BETTER 

like maybe he saw me slightly aroused 

I was into that kinda stuff 

small sexy pain

I don't know what I like now

probably not that 

& I think 

should I be telling you this

BUT 

I'm pretty sure 

I've told you all of this

BEFORE 

I had experiences out in the world

& I READ a LOT 

I had all the hanky codes memorized

for example 

BUT 

as far as experience 

WITH 

sexual partners

very little of that

MAYBE 

if I went home with that guy

at the mining company 

MAYBE 

I would have cemented myself

in the s/m community 

become a famous 

SWITCH 

& solved all my hang ups 

I think that's more the person I maybe 

represented myself as

when I first started

writing to you

I don't feel like that at all now

I KINDA think of myself as

a political 

ASEXUAL 

now

I saw a woman walking towards me

at the grocery store the other week

& I started to think

she's 

HOT

& THEN 

I'm LIKE 

can't you just say

man, she's FIT and feel happy for her 

you have no interest in even

IMAGINING 

why ya gotta objectify

I fell asleep writing this I'm awake to pee now going back to sleep 🫶

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I thought about you 

& I watched some 

ani videos

& I had a headache and took a nap

I had a lot of dreams 

that I don't remember 

& things moved around in some way

I'd have to call

gravitational 

although I can't yet explain what I mean by that

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

& I hope 

I'm not seeming to pull away

because I'm trying not to do that

while simultaneously 

not focusing

MORE 

on what you might want me to do 

that what I think I need to do

because my balance on that kinda stuff is not 

CALIBRATED right

long incoherent ramblings

I feel like 

TODAY 

I should have been taking 

NOTES 

I coved a lot of material 

& at points

I'm LIKE 

SO

MUCH 

PROGRESS

& then at other points

maybe not as much as you're thinking you are

internal weather 

heyoki empathy

doing things because of freaky scripts that come from where

percussion 

OH

HEY

this is the progress part

I have been building a 

NEW BRAIN 

SO

if I think differently 

OF COURSE 

I do

& I KNOW that doesn't 

SAY anything 

& that it's possible to make that SOUND BAD 

& I can make anything 

SOUND BAD

THAT

is part of the bad programming 

at points in the past

I have felt an enjoyment of 

things like

TEACHING 

& I could read the room

I THINK 

menopause was an important part

of the emerging audhd or whatever

& then the pulling inward of the pandemic

like activated the "autistic" something 

SO

it's LIKE 

I WAS

some KINDA way

BUT 

I'm not looking to go back

BUT 

also I don't think I could

I thought about

the stripped back quality

of the guitar

in the storm that's coming for you

how it's almost percussion 

what's my inner weather

what is my resonant

SOUND

I had some technical difficulties 

with the purchase online music 

& that told me it's not the right time

SO

UP and DOWN 

there's this WAY in which

I'm figuring out 

HOW I FEEL 

about 

ME

so I'm not letting any of that sneaky psychological stuff 

ruin anything 

& THIS probably doesn't come across as

COHERENT 

& MAYBE it isn't 

BUT 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

& I am thinking about 

dancing with you

I want to dream about that

sleep is good

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

thoughts

I had to go back

& listen to her version 

I wasn't able to hear it properly 

it's beautiful 

I particularly liked that thrumming 

echoing kinda like 

THUNDER

BUT 

respectfully 

it's SOMEHOW 

different weather

I FUNDAMENTALLY do not believe 

she HAS any color CYCLONE

it's a storm that's 

COMING for YOU 

& maybe you better hope

some actual storm

comes for you

FIRST 

check in april 4th

I re-read that last post I made

I wrote it 

& it barely made sense to me

I had crazy dreams 

I can't remember 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

check in may 3rd

I went to phonecia yesterday 

got overwhelmed 

got like thirty pounds of lentils 

today

I was gonna buy some

PLANTS

I thought I'd move up to herbs

BUT 

I couldn't find anything 

container-wise

that I thought was acceptable 

I had a headache 

& it was so sunny 

the whole experience was disappointing 

my neck & back & shoulders

are better but still not great

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I am imagining 

giving you 

an enormous 

HUG

you are 

MAGIC 

check in may 2nd

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

brain churn, maybe

there's this way

in which I

FEEL 

like I'm not the same 

from day to day

& have these

PARTS

I am finding it slightly unsettling 

& I just had this really 

BIG anxiety 

thing

I wouldn't call it an attack 

it was MORE like 

my perspective SHIFTED 

I SAW something 

& it freaked me out 

I was brushing my teeth 

I started gagging 

hacking up

sputum 

I'm not sure what it was

I was thinking about 

HOW 

that looking for how you fit in

that SOUNDS 

very trad feminine 

&

I was contrasting 

I have some things that I'm very trad masc

AND

I'm not SURE 

is that LIKE a PARTS thing

or a non-binary 

THING

I'm feeling like there is stuff going on 

that I don't understand 

& I didn't finish that area

I haven't been able to do it I'm all LIKE 

I'm not STRONG enough 

BUT 

there is a connection between 

disengagement with 

REALITY 

& STUFF 

& I can't map exactly how much time 

I'm connected to some though

that is not EXACTLY 

disengagement 

so much as

ENGAGING in THINKING 

MAYBE 

one of the tangential lines of thinking 

is HOW uncomfortable am I

with the things

I've ever done or thought or felt before 

& WHAT I might 

pick instead

& MAYBE 

I'm NOW overanalyzing 

probably that's right 

I have this 

IDEA

of

STANDING as MYSELF 

which I thought I pretty much always DID 

BUT 

in SOME WAY

maybe I mask 

or maybe 

I need to focus

on getting 

something across specifically 

I guess I'm coming from 

we KNOW we could be

EASIER 

to understand 

WHAT 

are we making 

CLEARER

I need to do that with myself as well 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

check in may 1st

I am thinking about 

this dome greenhouse I saw

& whether I could 

SLEEP 

in it

or if that would be 

uncomfortably 

HOT

or stuffy

I THINK 

I always thought about 

intimacy between people as being

aggressive & slightly 

VIOLENT

& I don't think the new me

thinks about it that way

I've really changed a lot since I first met you

& I think one way I haven't quite finished changing YET 

is that I don't WANT to just be trying to figure out 

where is the 
SPACE 

I FILL

& I don't know if that makes sense 

I feel like that is how I'm programmed 

& I'm not sure how to 

NOT do THAT 

sleep time

that piano song 

really made me happy 

& strangely 

I was hearing the theme from the young & the restless when I was falling asleep last night & then again this morning 

strangely because 

THAT was not a soap opera I watched 

I guess it came on 

BEFORE 

or something 

because I'd heard the music 

I think maybe it was

a little more 

SPICY

or something 

I'm maybe 

trying to get a feel for myself as

I don't think I WAS ever

EXTREMELY

SHY

THAT

is part of this

newer CRAZY

that's all an oversimplification 

RECENTLY 

I've discovered that I have Saturn 

in the first house

& that means 

MAYBE 

I have some out in the world disciplined 

being seen type destiny

MAYBE 

especially when combined with the 

SAGITTARIUS midheaven 

& I remembered that 

I WAS MORE like THAT 

than I feel like I am currently 

BUT 

I'm building a new thing-y

& I realize

the old thing-y was

BROKEN 

I don't want to put the broken stuff 

back in, but that's easier said than done 

MAYBE 

I am not sure what I'm doing 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

my best explanation of what is going on with me currently -- check in april 30th

a couple days ago 

I slept funny

jacked up my neck & shoulder 

I spent time

stretching and massaging 

BUT 

it was still kinda effed up last night

& when I woke up today 

I was LIKE 

I think this is BODY WORK 

I've been looking at myself 

& saying

GIRL

ain't nothing tantalizing about your bod

you wrecked

& I'm not really 

inhabiting my body

I'm a think-y brain with a body attached 

& with the decrease in body pain 

from the relaxing nervous system 

I'm just ignoring my body 

MORE 

BUT 

as I tried stretching my neck

as I worked the kinks out of the place on my back

I used to think of as a hump

where I fell & hit it on the tub at lindley's house

before a bunch of us

went to galveston 

it's not really a hump anymore 

but it is still KINDA a trouble spot

when it STILL HURT months later

my mom finally agreed to take me to a doctor 

they SAID 

well, it was probably soft tissue damage 

when they couldn't see anything on 

the x-rays

BUT 

my neck used to go out of alignment 

way up at the top*

I've always carried my stress

in my shoulders

& I have the injury site

KINDA in the middle of all that

& I think my body wants

MORE from me

than to be

TOLD

STUFF to DO

F.I.O**

SO

I'm stretching & massaging 

& trying to FEEL like I'm 

INHABITING 

my body 

I think some of my

in my HEAD-ness

started by

FEELING my feelings 

& some of that

was a lot of residual stuff surrounding my mom 

& maybe I shouldn't have done that 

BUT 

it SEEMED like 

NOT 

feeling my feelings 

led to trouble 

historically 

I thought

& SO

I'm not sure what I think about that now

BUT 

I DO think

I HAVE it figure out this body work

I have to make some kind of

PEACE with myself 

I'm not a disembodied brain

I don't want to be

semi-dissociated, or whatever

*I'm pretty sure that's going on right now too

**figure it out

check in april 29th

I've been pretty thinky

& I feel like 

I'm not 

SUPER 

organized in my thinking*

BUT 

I think you are 

COOL

*by which I think I mean I'm not saying things in the right order & am going to sound like I'm prioritizing things some kinda way way and I don't feel like saying in not particular order is a fix for it so I don't know if that means I'm paranoid or not sufficiently sovereign or what my problem is but

YOU are COOL

& I LOVE you VERY much 

& I love the shirt

it's adorable 

& I think

it's ALL 

VERY exciting

& I'm grateful for you 

& I was never not

BUT 

I was caught up in some stuff 

& I wasn't feeling the grateful-ness generally 

& I was trying to decide 

WHY

I'm not sure I have the answer yet

I'm gonna try to sleep now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

check in april 28th

I saw this video 

& I haven't vetted it

BUT 

it's LIKE 

the ancient Sumerians were ALIENS 

& NOW we've FINALLY 

translated the 

LAST CLAY TABLET 

& I'm SURE this is the

SPACE ALIEN news

that t*ump is

teasing

BUT 

NOT ONLY 

did they genetically engineer humanity

BUT ALSO 

they are headed back this way

to JUDGE US 

if we've learned to value each other

& the earth then

ALIEN DADDY 

will take us with 

if not

it's gonna be another

FLOOD---LIKE

situation 

I think it's unlikely that they just now translated the last clay tablet

THAT'S 

the likeliest weak link for me

I'm only sort of 

kidding 

I have been TOO in my HEAD 

& not necessarily in a good way 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

check in april 27th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

that was legitimately weird

ALSO

I have a rattle/percussion instrument collection 

WHY

do I not know HOW to play percussion 

I am legitimately 

ASKING myself 

as I have

REALIZED 

as THOUGH I didn't KNOW that was a THING 

which I don't find credible 

BUT 

everyone is just looking at me

BLANKLY 

more thoughts

did he just fake

another assignation 

JUST to

push his ballroom

agenda

that's 

REAL life

right now

I find that destabilizing 

I dreamed about my 

mom

we were in a car

she was driving and she had a cat

she wanted to take to show

her friend 

because the cat looked a lot like a cat 

her friend had had

which didn't make a whole lot of sense 

THEN

it transpired 

the cat was stinky or something 

there was some reason*

*it was my fault 

SOMEHOW 

NOW

that we were not ONLY not showing her friend the cat

we were NOW leaving the cat

IN the CAR

& HOW 

was the cat going to

not just get

COOKED

in the

CAR

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

check in april 26th

there's LIKE this one 

where it's got

this DARK sound

BUT 

then it's 

SOMEHOW 

simultaneously 

surf rock

that keeps

LIKE 

calling me

& the WHOLE thing 

was SO satisfyingly blending sounds

like painting them

LIKE 

transparent colors

OVERLAPPING 

to create a different color

I was really enjoying it 

trying to classify

& that's what I've come up with 

& I guess I was concentrating more on the sound 

because that was where I felt most functional 

mother's day thoughts

I have all these things 

I'm thinking about 

it's mother's day 

I guess technically today 

& I'm not really sure 

what I FEEL about the things

I think I'm not that upset

about not having 

kids

I have reason to question 

how good a mother

I might have

managed

to be 

&

besides 

I kinda worked through some of what

were issues when I was a manager

I MEAN 

obviously not the SAME but I think that's 

KINDA

my thing

I get whatever usable 

life experience I have in some

non-standard way

things stand-in

for other things

& MAYBE 

that's 

an adaptation 

or maybe 

it's JUST 

that I process things

DIFFERENTLY 

I'm not confident 

I had the capacity to be a good mother

while attempting to do

ANYTHING else 

I had some experiences 

make me WONDER 

I took my niece

to the ZOO 

& something about the level of attention 

was ALMOST hypnotic

I was not SURE if I took my eyes

OFF her 

for a second 

she was not gonna

JUST 

JUMP

into the alligators 

I think it's entirely possible 

I would not have been

up to the task

& it was never a life goal

I wanted things

BUT

they were related

to my feelings for you, mostly

with occasional ideas for

positively shaping

an upbringing 

which I find

I have opinions about 

I certainly didn't dream about

any kind of suburban wife

situation 

I'm not a regular person 

I'm pretty different 

& whether that's 

a neurodivergent thing 

or a trauma thing

or a creative

CRAZY 

it doesn't really matter what exactly is going on

what matters is what I need to do

to make my brain work

to do the things that

I WANT to DO

AND

I find it hard to believe 

that I can look at my life one way

& it's been an amazing adventure 

AND

I can look at it another way

and it's just nothing

nothing accomplished 

THAT

would be

the way my mother would look at it, I think

I've been thinking about 

when she was in the rehab hospital 

& her legs were swollen 

& they wouldn't increase her meds

I was talking to one of her doctors 

who wasn't the "decider" on the diuretics 

my mom must have been giving me 

the narcissist disgust look

or something 

because this doctor

she LOOKED at 

my mom

& she

SAID 

your daughter is advocating for you really hard 

the LEAST you could do

would be to SMILE 

at her a little 

& my mom said 

SHE ALWAYS WORKS HARD

she kinda made it

SOUND

LIKE 

no CREDIT for THAT 

& I don't really want to talk about 

HOW I FEEL 

so much as to

SAY

different parts of me

FEEL DIFFERENT 

I can notice

different 

PARTS

there's a part

that's like

if she has trouble 

because she

wouldn't believe you when you said you wouldn't 

THAT

is poetic justice 

there is a part that says

it is entirely possible 

that she's blown up her life trying to 

MAKE me DO

thinking she could force my hand

because I wouldn't be able to 

STAND it

with a whole bunch of dominoes dropping 

& the protector part

is LIKE 

I DO NOT CARE 

if they are 

grinding her 

into 

hamburger 

& FEEDING her to WILD DOGS 

we are NOT getting involved 

SO

mother's day 

HITS different 

this year

strangely 

it seems LESS triggering 

check in april 25th

I really like the

SOUND

it's got these different 

ELEMENTS

& it's really full or dense or I'm not sure what to call it but there's a 

DARK 

quality to it that I vibe with 

BUT 

then it has these

PLAYFUL 

qualities as well that you usually don't get

TOGETHER 

I'm into it

OK

I couldn't go to sleep without listening a little 

I LOVE chameleon 

& wireless 🔥 

the almost wordless song

GENIUS 

I imagined it re-mixed into

an otherworldly 

club scene

I'm looking forward to hearing the rest

more thoughts

I'm sorry 

I realized 

I was processing 

& didn't do the Friday thing

I'm sorry that might have been better 

& I just wasn't wanting to 

MIX that

into my t. rex shadow

montage

sometimes 

that works out badly

BUT 

I wasn't trying to 

SKIP

just be properly 

OPEN 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

thoughts April 24th

I think 

when you're working through 

EMOTIONAL stuff

MAYBE 

it's natural to 

not go in 

a straight 

LINE

I feel 

BETTER 

today

& the dream was really helpful 

SOMEHOW 

in some way

I can't explain 

& I guess 

I was trying to figure out 

HOW 

to be in a state

with someone else 

at the same time they are in the same state

without either of you 

"at-ing"

& there was an aquatic quality to it

MAYBE 

or gravity became

whimsical*

*I saw somebody use whimsical & it made me want to use it and I'm not sure this was the right place

BUT 

maybe it is

because 

the point is not to be

TOUGH

the POINT is not to feel like you need to be tough

is it

I'm not sure 

is the tough 

an act 

or 

do you feel

that you are 

indeed 

tough

I'm not sure 

I don't want to 

MASK

I'm not sure if what I do is masking

sleep is good 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

good morning sweetheart

I had a LOT of dreams 

& I don't really remember SPECIFICS except 

the final image

MAYBE 

the others will come back to me

there was school

ART school 

ALL KINDS of THINGS 

BUT 

at my gran gran's house

I was looking out

a window*

*which was not configured correctly from a historical standpoint 

I was LOOKING out a window 

at an enormous 

MOOSE

I had seen it earlier 

BUT 

I was shocked 

because it was remaining in the

SAME position 

& I didn't see 

HOW 

it was EVEN possible for it to be in 

THAT POSITION 

at ALL

MUCH LESS

for an extended amount of 

TIME

it was on its hind legs 

with its front legs 

UP in kind of 

a supplication 

CURLED

&

it just stayed like that

STATIONARY 

HOW 

was it balancing

HOW 

did it remain 

STRONG 

& in the shadows 

it was

SHIFTED

back & forth

from a 

MOOSE 

to a

T REX

with its curled up little arms

& I suppose 

you COULD call

EITHER 

of them a 

MONSTER 

BUT 

that wouldn't be 

ACCURATE 

check in april 23rd

I'm sorry about your friend 

maybe he'll be at all of them for a while 

if he doesn't have to be anywhere soon

I walked to the convenience store 

to buy my lottery tickets 

I got two

scratch offs*

*which were not winners

I got three

I was trying to find

the old school ones that don't have the 

POWER BALL feature 

& they DO still have them

they are called

LOTTERY 

EXTRA 

which makes no sense whatsoever 

& the draw is Saturday

I think 

SO

I have to wait

to SEE what I win

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm supposed to have an extra good luck day tomorrow my horoscope said buy a lottery ticket

OK

I am in a weird place

& I'm not sure

WHY

or how long I've been here

I feel a strong desire to apologize for being 

TEDIOUS 

BUT 

that SEEMS contrary

to what I'm trying to achieve 

SO

MAYBE 

that's a good illustration of one of my issues 

I can SEE how

the experience of ME 

in my FULL confusing me-ness

MIGHT be 

LIKE 

a bit MUCH 

& I want to acknowledge 

that I KNOW that

I listened to my aunt joan telling me all the problems with edith

for years

I listened and I did

WHATEVER 

it is that I DO

in my personal belief 

that's not really 

FAIR to a

KID

BUT 

it comes naturally to me, I guess 

SO

maybe I started it, ya know

it was f*cking her up pretty good 

& I TOLD her 

she should JUST stop

& she explained to me that I was a monster

& I guess I thought about that too

BUT 

I'm not saying 

I'm sorry for being the way I am

& I'm not forcing you to 

deal with me

BUT 

I'm a little over how long everything takes

I'm commiserating 

I had to stop

LOOK 

at what I've gone through 

be a little BIT impressed

BUT 

I'm all over the place

& last night

I thought I felt you quantum entangled 

& then I had this whole

FILM portal thing

like the beatles

thing

& I thought I had a THING 

but then I second guessed my mind meld

& freaked out

& THAT is what THAT was ABOUT 

AND

this voice in my HEAD 

KEEPS yelling 

DANDELION 

check in april 22nd

I wasn't trying to make that

HEAVY

or about you

I just don't know how much SENSE I make

I know you understand 

some of what I'm talking about 

don't let my

self questioning 

spill over into some kind of criticism of you

I don't mean it like that

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

sleep is really good

the barbarella experience thing

is somehow like that

machine thing

I don't really remember exactly 

like it was an organ

MAYBE 

& it was gonna

KILL

her with pleasure 

or something 

well

it was not like that

obviously 

but that's the thing that came to MIND 

to describe it SEE 

BUT 

then I realize

I might not remember the 

SAME part you'd 

remember 

& SO

I guess I just didn't want to have 

to feel like I was doing 

EVERYTHING 

& I'm making it WEIRD so I'll stop

sleep is good

the skincare squad is threatening to quit

they have been working 

miracles

BUT 

the part of me that picks

is just using that as an excuse 

to pick more

I was walking across the parking lot 

from my car to the vet

NO

I was walking 

FROM 

the vet --- picking up a prescription 

& I CAUGHT something 

out of the corner of 

my EYE

I

looked

UP

& there was an enormous 

LIKE 

the WHOLE 

PUFF

of the dandelion 

going 

UP

I don't believe 

ANY PART

of a dandelion 

has wafted past me

in ANY CAPACITY 

since I was in the GRASS

BLOWING on them

MYSELF 

EVEN THEN 

not the whole thing 

that's 

gotta 

be a 

SIGN

gn LOVE

I'm gonna try to sleep now

BUT 

I have to tell you

ABOUT 

dandelion sighting 

I'm glad I'm not claiming to be sane

because I don't think 

that would accurately represent 

& I just had

what I suddenly 

NEED to CALL 

a barbarella experience 

check in april 21st

PROBABLY 

the jail thing is a scam

IDK

I went and read jason's many dms

--- because I haven't read ANY of them since he said the thing I said was triggering to me ---

& I gotta SAY

it is possible that he's a narcissist

which I didn't really think he was

BUT 

it's all LIKE 

WELL 

I'm just going to 

KEEP TRYING to REACH OUT to you 

with your problems 

EVERYONE 

has problems 

nowhere is there anything like

if I did or said anything 

I'm sorry 

JUST

things designed to cause 

GUILT

WHATEVER 

I'm gonna go back to NOT reading them

I was just curious & figured they

wouldn't trigger me now

& they didn't 

not even the photo of dad

I AM 

a little concerned with the IDEA that maybe 

NO ONE really KNOWS me

& if that's because I'm doing something 

that I could simply do

SOME OTHER WAY

AM I bringing this on myself 

NOT my family 

that's just an unfortunate toxic pattern

or set of patterns that I'm unwilling to play along with but can't change by myself 

BUT 

if you understand me

you might be the only one 

& I don't know how much SENSE I make to you

I just know you CARE

ANYWAY 

I wonder 

I watched this video

talking about WHY 

babies & animals

LIKE

my personality type

& I THOUGHT 

that might be part of the reason people don't get me

I don't project my DESIRES of them

AT THEM

which maybe makes me

INVISIBLE 

in some ways 

it's part of what makes me feel SAFE for people to talk to ALSO but that READS as 

non-judgemental

I maybe don't know how to be human

APPARENTLY people don't actually 

LISTEN to what you SAY

they ONLY listen to 

RESPOND 

SO

explaining yourself 

JUST SOUNDS 

like weakness or something 

I'm exhausted by the very CONCEPT of all that

I sound like I'm not doing well

BUT 

I think I'm basically okay

I just THINK I'm assessing what's just ME

in the equation of my life 

& WONDERING 

WHAT if anything I want to change

I don't like the IDEA that I'm some sort of

BLANK SPACE

BUT 

other people coming AT ME is a thing I don't like

SO

I'm not wanting to do THAT

it's all part of the

self sovereignity assessment 

I'm running on myself 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

sometimes the world feels weird

I've gotten three calls ---

I have my ringer turned off

because I'm not currently responding to fires

--- from a prison in Louisiana 

they don't say who is trying to call

I suspect a wrong number 

BUT 

last thing I knew

my brother john ---

who I haven't spoken to in like 

eighteen years

& that's how recent my information about his

whereabouts is 

--- was working on a boat

as a cook

OFFSHORE Louisiana 

it's a wrong number 

right?!

check in april 21st

I don't think I said anything yesterday 

I was feeling 

kinda off

I had

dreams about past jobs

sort of & I had an insecure moment or

SOMETHING 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

thoughts

I was going through an old photo album

edith (my hippie aunt) 

left with my mom 

who never gave it to me

& I found when I was

clearing out her 

house 

I found a picture she had taken

of Lombardi street

---the crookedest Street in the world---

& she had a note on it for me

because I was three & a half and likely wouldn't 

REMEMBER 

the note SAID 

this is a picture I took of Lombardi street 

joan really liked it

I REMEMBER 

VIVIDLY 

when edith directed us onto that street

& joan got a view of it

realized she couldn't back up

couldn't find any way

OUT of it

freaked out

& proceeded to wind the enormous whale of a car

down this street without hitting anything 

with maybe a soupcon of

here goes nothin'

because 

what the hell, ya know 

I felt EVERY BIT of THAT 

AND 

while I do believe she 

SAID 

something LIKE 

well THAT was FUN

my TAKE is that

the feeling was 

edith had done it, probably on purpose, but since she didn't drive there wasn't any point in saying anything because she would just SAY

OH I had NO IDEA

that might be stressful*

SO

no body ever called her on it

*I don't believe anythone ever said stressful back then

BUT 

the IDEA 

that joan enjoyed the experience 

that she would write me a 

NOTE

telling me

joan liked it 

SEEMS WEIRD 

to me

gonna try to sleep now

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

DUDE I had some DREAMS

I dreamed you made a ceramic bowl 

with my face painted on it

& bob dylan said he 

didn't like it

because 

you didn't take his advice & he's a painter too now

BUT

I loved it

then some stuff I don't remember 

& I was at this BIG art show

like booths in a huge mall or convention center 

or something 

& I came upon

this booth

SOMEONE I KNEW who they were in the DREAM 

she was incredibly famous 

SHE was demonstrating

some kind of laquering

TECHNIQUE 

& I walked up

& bob dylan was at her booth 

he loves her work

& it was a beautiful piece of wood

& there were little bits of wood

ON the wood surface 

that you couldn't really even SEE they just caught the light like little flecks of gold leaf

it was SUPER subtle

ALMOST CONCEPTUAL

& dylan and I hugged

I can't remember the feelings 

that led to that

MAYBE 

he was in a fluffy wool coat

because what I remember was a fluffy wooliness

then there was some more stuff I don't remember 

then I was walking 

through neighborhoods

sometimes secret streets

that ran inside apartment buildings 

sometimes semi wooded areas

& I came out in some sort of

insurance company building 

MAYBE 

I can't explain WHY I think that

then I walked out

& the platform outside the doors

led to stairs

that just ended in a way

that would lead you to

just walk off into 

NOTHING 

falling, probably to your death

I LOOKED WAY UNDER 

& it looked like it was built on top of the White House

there was a usable stair off to the side

& I got to the ground

BUT 

everything was

CRAZY

& there were groups of people 

that seemed like

they were

IDK

at a weapon

or some kind of operation 

& I started

RUNNING 

& I was surprised 

HOW FAST

I was younger physically, I'm pretty sure 

& I had the distinct impression that I was 

running through gunfire

I wasn't scared

& I'm not sure if I was trying to get to the road

BUT 

I woke up

& I don't remember where they fit in

but there was a 

BLUE

sculpture of a woman's head

GREEN

sculpture of a man

check in april 18th

it rained all day

BIG cold front

it's fifty six degrees

april is already summer here

so that's crazy

the front gave me a headache 

I'm gonna try to sleep now 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

better check in, maybe but the skincare team says they're killing it

SO

my question now is 

HOW 

do I deal with the 

STUFF 

without going off the deep end again

I MEAN 

I feel more solidly 

ME

& I EXPECT 

THAT

will help

BUT 

that part of my mind that always 

LIKE 

tries (sp?) to CONNECT the special interests

is all like 

psst --- it's not an empathy engine

stories based on mythic fairytale 

mission from g*d

CORRUPTION 

in the world

NARCISSISM 

religion 

weaving all the bits together 

this may or may not be clear enough to make sense 

it seems like a possible 

SOMETHING 

MAYBE 

maybe it's just me solving puzzles in my HEAD 

BUT 

I was contemplating 

HOW 

in case I could 

& I watched this video about language trends

& HOW it's CHANGING all the time 

ENGLISH was supposed to be dying 

it's the fastest growing language 

BECAUSE 

people all over the world want to watch 

english language videos

FRENCH 

second fastest language 

AFRICA 

& then ALSO in africa 

NIGERIAN pidgin

is growing 

FAST

because in nigeria they speak like five hundred languages 

SO

they're using nigerian pidgin

the way swahili is used regionally

& french --- in different regions 

BUT 

it's LIKE the MOST amazing 

SLANG 

& the rhythm

& the melodiousness

JARA

check in april 17th

I haven't listened to TK yet

I'm going to 

BUT 

I was in a mindset I'm trying to 

REINFORCE

& I can't 

enter into other mindsets while I do that

PROBABLY 

I will listen tomorrow 

BUT 

I did a thing I'm pretty excited about 

& even though you are unlikely to be super excited about it I want to share

ulta is having a sale 

it ends soon 

SO 

I was looking to see if anything I need

was on a good sale

& some things were

& I left something in my cart

& they sent me a 10% off coupon 

which surprisingly 

was usable on 

SALE items

& I have points

between the sale & the coupon & the points

I got months worth of skincare 

two hundred & sixty some dollars worth 

for eight dollars and eighty eight cents

I'm pretty impressed with that 

april 16th

I was thinking about 

those giant

BELT BUCKLES

that were

popular when I was a kid

& then I saw you

in some wrangler boot cut jeans

this elaborate toolwork belt

with the enormous 

BUCKLE 

your shirt

instead of being a western shirt 

was a kinda drapey

SILK

muscle shirt

& a straw hat --- like generic cowboy hat shape 

not spaghetti western flat

BUT 

it MIGHT 

have been 

trampled by something 

& then forced back into shape

& you are in that

james dean in giant

POSTURE 

that's either completely relaxed indifference

or arranged to show off attributes 

to elizabeth taylor 

I'm not sure WHY

goodnight sweetheart I LOVE you VERY much 

this came to me and I liked it thought I'd share, sleep now, goodnight sweetheart I LOVE you VERY much --- check in april 15th

It was like a backflip.  Graceful.  Arcing trustfall into the subconscious.  Sometimes the only way to know something was to feed it through the subconscious and let the dreams tell you.  Either that, or it was more complicated than that.

The bass line to Seven Nations Army boomed up through her body until it got caught up somewhere in the base of her skull.

check in april 14th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I mean, today was like springtime for h in the producers

they had to go all the way to

ARKANSAS?!

to find the

no tax on tips

photo op

DELIVERY driver 

& even she

was LIKE 

I don't have an opinion on 

men in women's sports 

I'm ONLY HERE for the

no tax on tips

I'm trying to go viral 

for the go fund me*

*she didn't say that go fund me part but she may as well have 

& WHAT

is that spikey head thing

in the "doctor" picture 

& MAYBE 

SPORTS 

are

just so much homoerotic to t*ump

secretary of state

at the fights 

with him

america

feelings

there's a feeling 

I'm feeling 

GREATFUL

but like somewhere 

BETWEEN 

thanks man

for always having my back

&

something else 

I'm finding 

HARD to

EXPRESS

romance / sports / mystery / brainteaser

LUCKY --- 

goodnight

I MEAN 

SO much random 

I was getting 

STUCK

on BAND AID commercial jingles

come Josephine in my flying machine 

NOW

I'm getting poker face

SO

WHAT does that mean 

I'm not being vulnerable enough?

THAT might NEED something 

I feel like I've been being 

vulnerable 

BUT 

I guess I didn't elaborate on 

all the ruminatory

& I think that was 

MORE because I didn't WANT to WRITE them

I'm not great at stopping 

is part of WHY

I run the 

fiddly fjords program

ya KNOW 

also though it's got the whole inner divinity thing

which KINDA reinforces

the sovereignty 

I'm always building the system

I guess

& the thing is 

I'm really 

NOT SURE 

how much of what I say actually makes sense

or I'm questioning and sensitive 

or something 

I'm not like being patronizing 

BUT 

SUDDENLY 

it seems like it could come off that way

OH

L-theanine 

bigish thoughts

valentinian gnosticism 

is interesting to me

it seems to iron out some of the 

PROBLEMS 

of earlier 

GNOSTICISM 

in a VERY elegant way

ALSO

they had this whole angle

which was

ALSO

elegant 

they were genuinely interested in 

EDUCATING people 

at a time when

people 

WANTED 

education --- which ALSO meant they were becoming the information people were taking to whatever branch of Christian they were

& then of course 

the message 

wasn't 

the

ESTABLISHMENT 

message 

SO

THEN it became necessary to preach 

AGAINST 

& THAT 

all becomes a LOT less interesting to me

BUT 

I've run up against a BIT 

I don't understand 

it's about there being 

a physical self

a soul self

a spirit self

I don't understand where is the distinction 

is it LIKE 

I'm made of meat

then I have a personality kind of thing

that's like MEMORY files of THIS experience 

MAYBE 

SEPARATE from 

what I assumed to be a SOUL which I assumed to be KINDA riding through 

MULTIPLES

of THIS sort of EXPERIENCE 

BUT 

THEN

WHAT 

is 

the SPIRIT 

I'm not SAYING 

HEY babe

I'm, like, a valentinian gnostic now

it's a fiddly little system 

but it's fiddly like fjords

& anyway 

I don't believe 

THEY

didn't THINK 

they 

KNEW 

BUT 

it isn't clear to me 

at least not from the prof's explanation 

BUT 

I really don't want to start reading 

SECONDARY 

materials

the way I'm trying to 

CONCEPTUALIZE 

although 

I'm not all together certain that I 

CAN

or actually even whether this is

CORRECT 

I THINK your SPIRIT 

is a PIECE of you

that is the

SPARK

BUT 

SOMETIMES 

it seems to be saying 

that the spark is like 

the BIT of the

ORIGINAL 

BREATH 

of LIFE 

down through the generations

cultivated, maybe 

& then

after

DEATH there's this WHOLE PROCESS 

where --- ya know how they were working on it 

you're spark bit gets rejoined with the 

ANGELIC HALF

you are brought BACK into

BALANCE 

rejoins the real god

AND

SOMETIMES 

your SPIRIT is 

MAYBE 

the PART that

has GNOSIS

& KNOWS

YOU are 

DIVINE 

these two seem opposite somehow 

in the one case it almost seems like 

it wouldn't & maybe even shouldn't 

KNOW ME 

maybe I'm wrong on that

it just seems like 

SPECIFICS

take you

CLOSER to SOUL

& SOUL

doesn't GET you to HEAVEN

BUT

if it's MY divinity

OR perhaps 

the UNDERSTANDING 

that ultimately 

I am a little 

PIECE of

heaven

do you SEE where they're 

LOSING me

anyway 

I was thinking about that stuff 

& THEN

I started dealing with 

STUFF 

& I really 

lost some ground there

the sprouts are doing good 

they require much less

attention than I was

giving them

I was over watering 

I have a bad tendency to over water

which probably comes as no 

surprise 

THEN 

I tend to force myself not to

& THEN forget entirely 

UNTIL the plant

DIES

I'm EATING these

SO I'm unlikely to forget about them

DID you KNOW 

the WHITE SOX had

a POPE HAT

give away

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

dream thoughts

the first restaurant 

it doesn't seem like what I was doing 

was waitressing 

I would get an order

& it came out a slot

& I went & dumped it in this vat of something 

SO

I guess I was more like cooking it

& I don't know if I was taking it

TO

people or what

THEN

I don't remember anything about the second place except maybe I was at the wrong place 

& the last place was a swanky place

I was talking to someone official 

manager, owner, not sure

& they were talking about their 

PROBLEMS 

& I was like

OH

I'm happy to help with that

I don't think I'm much of a waitress

BUT 

I UNDERSTAND 

working a line

getting things done 

what makes you think you aren't a good waitress 

she asked

I don't think I passed the on the job experience 

at (I can't remember the restaurant name)

I was sure I didn't get all the recipes right 

since no one told me any recipes 

& I hadn't realized that was part of the job

BUT 

I didn't mention that 

because that's just an excuse 

NOT relevant 

we talked about the market niche

the restaurant filled

& she commended me on the choice

& it really seemed like

she wanted me on the team

BUT 

I really don't know what that MEANS 

check in april 12th

I feel somewhat better today 

it's raining 

orban has already conceded

I had weird dreams 

about sort of waitressing 

at three restaurants 

I slept another

like thirteen hours

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

additional thoughts

I'm going to try to sleep now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope I'm not freaking you out

I read back through 

those two posts

& I'm not sure 

that they make a lot of sense 

I'm not trying to be weird 

I'm trying to let you know 

as best as I can explain 

what's going on 

in my HEAD 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

thoughts

OR

MAYBE 

that's projection

& YOU DO ALREADY have faith 

& I'm just WORRYING about you 

to deflect my attention from me

I'm in some way

not cooperating with myself 

& I'm NOT trying to blame that on you

check in april 11th

I slept like fifteen or sixteen hours 

I needed to emotionally process 

& I feel like I do that

BETTER 

SOMETIMES 

while sleeping 

I woke up

with

baby blue

(by badfinger)

in my HEAD 

SO

maybe I've got you worried 

& that is not my intention 

I'm just trying to 

FOCUS on ME 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

rather than worrying 

TRY to have FAITH 

that I CAN

get ahold of what I 

NEED to understand  

to figure my sh*t out

if I'm focused on worrying about you 

that's not fixing my problem 

SO

it's NOT against your interest 

does that make sense 

my first grade first semester teacher had long blonde hair she constantly twirled around her fingers like it was an unparallel bars routine

I didn't USED to 

PICK 

my FACE

I USED to 

PLAY

with my 

HAIR 

BUT 

when I was like

ten eleven twelve 

I got blackheads and pimples

SOMETIMES 

& my mom

would 

GO

AT

me

with a NEEDLE 

I'm not sure it happened very many times 

I started doing masks & stuff

the ONLY incident 

I really remember 

was at her parents house 

THAT 

was pretty intense 

& WHEN I'm picking 

there are different aspects 

BUT 

there's this bit

where I ask it to stop 

& it won't 

it WON'T 

I've been MOSTLY not

picking THAT badly 

& the skin care team -- they are focused on 

BARRIER REPAIR 

BUT 

I need to stop doing it

check in april 9th

I think I can express a little bit of my weirdness 

as

there is a level of me-ness

I'm looking for in myself 

& I'm not seeing it

YET

& I'm not freaking out or anything 

I'm trusting the process

BUT 

I had to start taking allergy pills

& it gives me a different 

HEADSPACE 

there's a WAY

in which I'm always

MORE FOCUSED 

on "other factors"

I think this is part of WHY I am so fascinated with JAPAN

this sort of ritualisation of what is expected of you not to inflict yourself 

not to have to have THAT active

to RELAX that

PART of the

BRAIN 

now, is it really like that

IDK

& it's a LOT of people 

I'm often not good in crowds

SO

perhaps it would be 

OVERWHELMING 

BUT 

I think that's the opposite of what I'm 

LOOKING for 

I THINK 

I'm looking for 

SOMETHING 

ME ---but MORE

SOMETHING 

& then even that doesn't seem to be saying 

anything terribly coherent 

SO

I'll give an example 

check in april 8th

I'm unable to articulate 

what's happening in my HEAD 

I had a bunch of dreams I don't remember 

BUT 

ACTIVE 

working through things 

I'm continuing to go through stuff 

BUT 

not as quickly as I'd like 

I feel like something about 

narcissism & capitalism 

is trying to write itself into a new 1984 something 

in my HEAD 

& I DO remember a piece of dream

you and I

we're standing on a lawn

in front of a large shrubbery 

I feel like we were

DISCUSSING 

something 

& that there was a chance that it was possibly 

IMMANENT 

that we would fling ourselves 

into each other's arms

& then I woke up 

OR

possibly someone came up to ask a question 

& then I woke up

BUT 

there was some kind of interruption

I LOVE you VERY MUCH 

I'm gonna try to sleep now 

goodnight sweetheart 

check in april 7th

I was pretty distracted by 

t*ump & his civilization destruction threats 

I figured he would not go through with it

BUT 

I wasn't sure what he would do 

I feel like 

SOMEHOW 

this KINDA 

consumed my attention 

I had dreams 

BUT 

I could only remember 

right before I woke up 

SOMEBODY 

was right up in my face 

standing in front of me 

& SAID 

welcome elder

& it KINDA freaked me out 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm gonna try to sleep now

goodnight 

check in april 6th

I've had 

FOOL on the HILL 

in my HEAD 

several different times 

not continuously 

OH

I stopped writing 

& WANDERED 

OFF

in thought 

& NOW

I've got grieg 

is that hall of the mountain king

WHAT is THAT 

ABOUT 

check in april 5th

I've been in a sort of liminal space all day

I decided I would rather sleep 

there was enough weather 

to give me a headache 

SO

I decided I would do qi gong

&

it was more difficult than I thought it would be 

I mean 

I'm not saying it was difficult 

I started with a very 

SIMPLE one

something about the stance

wasn't comfortable 

I kept having to 

stop and touch my toes

stretching out my back, I guess

& the funny thing is that I have been feeling MORE RELAXED 

I have a greater range of motion 

in my neck & shoulders & upper back

than I have memory of when

I'm not sure what was my problem 

I felt stiff & uncoordinated*

*I always want to put hyphens in these

I didn't do a lot of work on the room

physically just one project

BUT 

I walked around the space 

I did some pondering 

I made some postulated beginnings for rules

about what to throw away 

& what to donate

& what to keep 

to try to sell

I made some postulated orders of operations

for going through the things still in the room 

on the FLOOR and the CHAIR

I have this rug I didn't want to put down

after the apartment flooded

that I'm thinking 

WALL

that seems like a lot of work 

I've just about worked myself around to FLOOR 

this rug

I was driving around 

& this shop was going out of business 

so the rug was at least fifty percent off 

& I still had to talk myself 

into it it was SO MUCH MORE than my

COMFORT ZONE 

I'm not sure it's 

CALM though

it's this

KINDA 

burgundy--magenta wool kilim

with I wanna say

orange spikey wheels woven in with 

some white accents

ACTUALLY 

it MIGHT be TOO big for FLOOR

I'm unreasonably tired

for someone who didn't DO that much