nite chat: 4:4

i went back and watched you break the record
i'm sorry i missed it live
you are very cute
and
such a dad
and
it's funny
that's the sort of thing
my dad would have done
but
the way you do it
is so much
like more wholesome
i can't really explain that
also
your kid is so so much more a kid
than i was at that age
that is good, i think

by that age
i had already learned
that neither of my parents
were reliable narrators
or people that i could trust very much

i'd had to leave my father
for which he never forgave me
and
then when i found out what my mother was
really like i had begun to have a breakdown
emotionally

my father would tell me he was going to come pick me up
for a visit or whatever
i would get all ready
and he'd never show
when i would call him
he'd say
well, i thought you'd figure it out when i didn't show up
like, why are you callin me, worried
once he didn't come to pick me up from ballet
and i think my mom was out of town
and i'm frantically calling
my aunt and my grandmother
trying to find somebody to come and claim me

eleven, right, that's eleven for me

also
weird men trying to hit on me
whenever i'm not specifically with an adult
and
also
i think
i'm pretty sure i'd started reading porn
not pictures
books
they sold em down at the convenience store

i went to school across the street from
where i lived
also across the street
nude modeling studio
that might explain the creepy men

when my mother discovered my reading material
she looked it over
maybe read it
and her comment was
none of this stuff is even possible

then she gave it back to me
i remember a lot of the first couple books

this not possible one
i think she was talking about double penetration
which, i'm pretty sure is possible
just not very probable
on a lot of different levels

i'm not sure i really had
that much interest in it as
like material for masturbation or anything
that came later
but
i mean, i was curious about sex
that was 1978
and there was a lot of sex
like as a part of the culture

i also started my period that year
went to the rocky horror
got offered drugs by strangers
it was an eventful year, i guess

it makes me really happy
that your kid
still seems like a kid