self-immolation 4:19

is something i have thought about
it is a very important form of protest
in the asian world
however
my experience with western reaction to it
is somewhere along the lines of
well they are just crazy
and therefore
i don't need to know anything else about it
so
it doesn't serve the same function
in the western world
and
i mean
it has to fucking hurt
i mean
maybe it's over fast
but it doesn't look that fast
and like three minutes
if it's that fast
can be a very long time, very long

i would not now
even consider this form of protest
given the society that i'm living in
and
of the many ways i've considered killing myself
i always try to rule out excruciating pain

i imagine blowing your brains out
would hurt
and
if you don't do it right
it would be horrible in a variety of ways
but
it seems like, at least, it wouldn't be that hard
not to fuck it up
not like say
shooting yourself in the chest
that could go wrong easily

opening a vein
that might be easy to fuck up
but it's not supposed to be a painful way to die
lie in a tub of warm water and just bleed out
seems like less mess
comparatively
than the blowing your brains out option
plus you don't need a firearm

and you see where i'm going
i've spent a lot of time thinking about killing myself

and
when i decided to go after you
my answer to myself of the craziness of it
was that i could always kill myself if it went badly
i didn't care
i was ready to go
but
the damnedest thing
i got attached to life
and now the idea of dying
doesn't sound that good

and when you said the counting backwards thing
i almost said no before i heard any more
like
from the jump
i don't think i can do it
numbers are hard to focus on

frequently i try to keep track of how long i'm doing something
by counting forwards
and frequently i get lost in the counting
and go from say 49 to 60 or 80 or i don't even know what
because my mind wanders
so
if it was 300 and my life depended on it
maybe i could do it
but
if it was 3000
because, for example, i can't now remember which it was
maybe i could do it
but
if it's a choice to seriously risk my life
for $25,000
then i say fuck you, no

that's a good chunk of change
it'd be nice to have

but i'm not at the point yet where it's my survival either way
and there might be other options at that time

my life is worth more than $25,000 to me

and
if i'm going to do a do this or die deal
i want to be shot
not burned alive