nite chat: 4:15 [part 2]

ok
i feel better now
i might want another drink
but
i'm much calmer
so
maybe my hormones are off a little
or
maybe i'm about to have a period
who knows
regardless
i ate some tuna and crackers
which is the closest thing to stress eating i could manage
i had the large margarita
i watched some calming videos
i still feel stressed
but i do not feel like i'm going to rip out my hair
or run screaming from the building
so
incremental improvement is acceptable

i have always had the dreaming thing
i told you when i was a kid
it was like i had trouble getting back
i've always had stuff that talked to me
when i was four
standing on the tree
and something was talking to me
i thought it was the tree

later
after i'd learned some stuff about god
i thought it was god
but it never said it was god
so
maybe it's spirit guides
idk

when i went to the tarot reader
in santa cruz
who was psychic
they were tellin her stuff
and she was interpreting
she couldn't just say what they said
and her interpretations were not accurate
but the stuff they said was
but, ya know
then you have to wait for it to make sense
i've never been one to throw in a bunch
if i have a strong feeling, fine
but if i don't know
i just say
idk what that means

like she told me all that stuff about the angels
and that made me think she was full of shit
because i don't believe in angels
but
it turned out it was the angel tarot
in the reading i got later

that was the message
also
the five golden rings
she was trying to make it the olympics
but i knew what that was then

a lot of the stuff
that the green witch was saying
about looking up spells and making them personal
but then eventually working your own spells
or whatever
the point is you can make em up
well, i never called what i was doing spells
and i still don't think they're spells
but
for example
if
i'm going to cross a busy street that i think is a dangerous situation
or i'm feeling nervous about driving
or something where i need physical protection
i don't just ask god to protect me
i visualize a cocoon-like thing winding up around me
so i'm completely surrounded by white light silk thread
no body taught me to do that
i do it instinctively

that sigil hand gesture that i did when you were hurt
i thought it through
but
i didn't "learn" it anywhere
probably somebody else does it
because it makes sense
but, ya know

i don't think of myself as a witch
i think of myself as a shaman
although
shaman is a position that
1)  trains with the previous shaman
2)  is defined in relation to a tribe or something like not a solitary practitioner
3)  has a much more performative role than i am comfortable with

so
idk if it makes any sense to think of myself as that
although
i  do

and then
i've got that whole thing with the quetz'l
that doesn't fit in with any of that
i don't know what's up with that
i wouldn't make it up
because it feels very culturally appropriating
like i feel slightly uncomfortable talking about it
but
it's there
whether it's politically correct or not

and how does that fit in with god
good question
or shamanism
no idea

i link this for interest not because i've fact checked it

ok
well it's getting late
i should write that poem and get to bed