thoughts

I was going through an old photo album

edith (my hippie aunt) 

left with my mom 

who never gave it to me

& I found when I was

clearing out her 

house 

I found a picture she had taken

of Lombardi street

---the crookedest Street in the world---

& she had a note on it for me

because I was three & a half and likely wouldn't 

REMEMBER 

the note SAID 

this is a picture I took of Lombardi street 

joan really liked it

I REMEMBER 

VIVIDLY 

when edith directed us onto that street

& joan got a view of it

realized she couldn't back up

couldn't find any way

OUT of it

freaked out

& proceeded to wind the enormous whale of a car

down this street without hitting anything 

with maybe a soupcon of

here goes nothin'

because 

what the hell, ya know 

I felt EVERY BIT of THAT 

AND 

while I do believe she 

SAID 

something LIKE 

well THAT was FUN

my TAKE is that

the feeling was 

edith had done it, probably on purpose, but since she didn't drive there wasn't any point in saying anything because she would just SAY

OH I had NO IDEA

that might be stressful*

SO

no body ever called her on it

*I don't believe anythone ever said stressful back then

BUT 

the IDEA 

that joan enjoyed the experience 

that she would write me a 

NOTE

telling me

joan liked it 

SEEMS WEIRD 

to me

gonna try to sleep now

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

DUDE I had some DREAMS

I dreamed you made a ceramic bowl 

with my face painted on it

& bob dylan said he 

didn't like it

because 

you didn't take his advice & he's a painter too now

BUT

I loved it

then some stuff I don't remember 

& I was at this BIG art show

like booths in a huge mall or convention center 

or something 

& I came upon

this booth

SOMEONE I KNEW who they were in the DREAM 

she was incredibly famous 

SHE was demonstrating

some kind of laquering

TECHNIQUE 

& I walked up

& bob dylan was at her booth 

he loves her work

& it was a beautiful piece of wood

& there were little bits of wood

ON the wood surface 

that you couldn't really even SEE they just caught the light like little flecks of gold leaf

it was SUPER subtle

ALMOST CONCEPTUAL

& dylan and I hugged

I can't remember the feelings 

that led to that

MAYBE 

he was in a fluffy wool coat

because what I remember was a fluffy wooliness

then there was some more stuff I don't remember 

then I was walking 

through neighborhoods

sometimes secret streets

that ran inside apartment buildings 

sometimes semi wooded areas

& I came out in some sort of

insurance company building 

MAYBE 

I can't explain WHY I think that

then I walked out

& the platform outside the doors

led to stairs

that just ended in a way

that would lead you to

just walk off into 

NOTHING 

falling, probably to your death

I LOOKED WAY UNDER 

& it looked like it was built on top of the White House

there was a usable stair off to the side

& I got to the ground

BUT 

everything was

CRAZY

& there were groups of people 

that seemed like

they were

IDK

at a weapon

or some kind of operation 

& I started

RUNNING 

& I was surprised 

HOW FAST

I was younger physically, I'm pretty sure 

& I had the distinct impression that I was 

running through gunfire

I wasn't scared

& I'm not sure if I was trying to get to the road

BUT 

I woke up

& I don't remember where they fit in

but there was a 

BLUE

sculpture of a woman's head

GREEN

sculpture of a man

check in april 18th

it rained all day

BIG cold front

it's fifty six degrees

april is already summer here

so that's crazy

the front gave me a headache 

I'm gonna try to sleep now 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

better check in, maybe but the skincare team says they're killing it

SO

my question now is 

HOW 

do I deal with the 

STUFF 

without going off the deep end again

I MEAN 

I feel more solidly 

ME

& I EXPECT 

THAT

will help

BUT 

that part of my mind that always 

LIKE 

tries (sp?) to CONNECT the special interests

is all like 

psst --- it's not an empathy engine

stories based on mythic fairytale 

mission from g*d

CORRUPTION 

in the world

NARCISSISM 

religion 

weaving all the bits together 

this may or may not be clear enough to make sense 

it seems like a possible 

SOMETHING 

MAYBE 

maybe it's just me solving puzzles in my HEAD 

BUT 

I was contemplating 

HOW 

in case I could 

& I watched this video about language trends

& HOW it's CHANGING all the time 

ENGLISH was supposed to be dying 

it's the fastest growing language 

BECAUSE 

people all over the world want to watch 

english language videos

FRENCH 

second fastest language 

AFRICA 

& then ALSO in africa 

NIGERIAN pidgin

is growing 

FAST

because in nigeria they speak like five hundred languages 

SO

they're using nigerian pidgin

the way swahili is used regionally

& french --- in different regions 

BUT 

it's LIKE the MOST amazing 

SLANG 

& the rhythm

& the melodiousness

JARA

check in april 17th

I haven't listened to TK yet

I'm going to 

BUT 

I was in a mindset I'm trying to 

REINFORCE

& I can't 

enter into other mindsets while I do that

PROBABLY 

I will listen tomorrow 

BUT 

I did a thing I'm pretty excited about 

& even though you are unlikely to be super excited about it I want to share

ulta is having a sale 

it ends soon 

SO 

I was looking to see if anything I need

was on a good sale

& some things were

& I left something in my cart

& they sent me a 10% off coupon 

which surprisingly 

was usable on 

SALE items

& I have points

between the sale & the coupon & the points

I got months worth of skincare 

two hundred & sixty some dollars worth 

for eight dollars and eighty eight cents

I'm pretty impressed with that 

april 16th

I was thinking about 

those giant

BELT BUCKLES

that were

popular when I was a kid

& then I saw you

in some wrangler boot cut jeans

this elaborate toolwork belt

with the enormous 

BUCKLE 

your shirt

instead of being a western shirt 

was a kinda drapey

SILK

muscle shirt

& a straw hat --- like generic cowboy hat shape 

not spaghetti western flat

BUT 

it MIGHT 

have been 

trampled by something 

& then forced back into shape

& you are in that

james dean in giant

POSTURE 

that's either completely relaxed indifference

or arranged to show off attributes 

to elizabeth taylor 

I'm not sure WHY

goodnight sweetheart I LOVE you VERY much 

this came to me and I liked it thought I'd share, sleep now, goodnight sweetheart I LOVE you VERY much --- check in april 15th

It was like a backflip.  Graceful.  Arcing trustfall into the subconscious.  Sometimes the only way to know something was to feed it through the subconscious and let the dreams tell you.  Either that, or it was more complicated than that.

The bass line to Seven Nations Army boomed up through her body until it got caught up somewhere in the base of her skull.

check in april 14th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I mean, today was like springtime for h in the producers

they had to go all the way to

ARKANSAS?!

to find the

no tax on tips

photo op

DELIVERY driver 

& even she

was LIKE 

I don't have an opinion on 

men in women's sports 

I'm ONLY HERE for the

no tax on tips

I'm trying to go viral 

for the go fund me*

*she didn't say that go fund me part but she may as well have 

& WHAT

is that spikey head thing

in the "doctor" picture 

& MAYBE 

SPORTS 

are

just so much homoerotic to t*ump

secretary of state

at the fights 

with him

america

feelings

there's a feeling 

I'm feeling 

GREATFUL

but like somewhere 

BETWEEN 

thanks man

for always having my back

&

something else 

I'm finding 

HARD to

EXPRESS

romance / sports / mystery / brainteaser

LUCKY --- 

goodnight

I MEAN 

SO much random 

I was getting 

STUCK

on BAND AID commercial jingles

come Josephine in my flying machine 

NOW

I'm getting poker face

SO

WHAT does that mean 

I'm not being vulnerable enough?

THAT might NEED something 

I feel like I've been being 

vulnerable 

BUT 

I guess I didn't elaborate on 

all the ruminatory

& I think that was 

MORE because I didn't WANT to WRITE them

I'm not great at stopping 

is part of WHY

I run the 

fiddly fjords program

ya KNOW 

also though it's got the whole inner divinity thing

which KINDA reinforces

the sovereignty 

I'm always building the system

I guess

& the thing is 

I'm really 

NOT SURE 

how much of what I say actually makes sense

or I'm questioning and sensitive 

or something 

I'm not like being patronizing 

BUT 

SUDDENLY 

it seems like it could come off that way

OH

L-theanine 

bigish thoughts

valentinian gnosticism 

is interesting to me

it seems to iron out some of the 

PROBLEMS 

of earlier 

GNOSTICISM 

in a VERY elegant way

ALSO

they had this whole angle

which was

ALSO

elegant 

they were genuinely interested in 

EDUCATING people 

at a time when

people 

WANTED 

education --- which ALSO meant they were becoming the information people were taking to whatever branch of Christian they were

& then of course 

the message 

wasn't 

the

ESTABLISHMENT 

message 

SO

THEN it became necessary to preach 

AGAINST 

& THAT 

all becomes a LOT less interesting to me

BUT 

I've run up against a BIT 

I don't understand 

it's about there being 

a physical self

a soul self

a spirit self

I don't understand where is the distinction 

is it LIKE 

I'm made of meat

then I have a personality kind of thing

that's like MEMORY files of THIS experience 

MAYBE 

SEPARATE from 

what I assumed to be a SOUL which I assumed to be KINDA riding through 

MULTIPLES

of THIS sort of EXPERIENCE 

BUT 

THEN

WHAT 

is 

the SPIRIT 

I'm not SAYING 

HEY babe

I'm, like, a valentinian gnostic now

it's a fiddly little system 

but it's fiddly like fjords

& anyway 

I don't believe 

THEY

didn't THINK 

they 

KNEW 

BUT 

it isn't clear to me 

at least not from the prof's explanation 

BUT 

I really don't want to start reading 

SECONDARY 

materials

the way I'm trying to 

CONCEPTUALIZE 

although 

I'm not all together certain that I 

CAN

or actually even whether this is

CORRECT 

I THINK your SPIRIT 

is a PIECE of you

that is the

SPARK

BUT 

SOMETIMES 

it seems to be saying 

that the spark is like 

the BIT of the

ORIGINAL 

BREATH 

of LIFE 

down through the generations

cultivated, maybe 

& then

after

DEATH there's this WHOLE PROCESS 

where --- ya know how they were working on it 

you're spark bit gets rejoined with the 

ANGELIC HALF

you are brought BACK into

BALANCE 

rejoins the real god

AND

SOMETIMES 

your SPIRIT is 

MAYBE 

the PART that

has GNOSIS

& KNOWS

YOU are 

DIVINE 

these two seem opposite somehow 

in the one case it almost seems like 

it wouldn't & maybe even shouldn't 

KNOW ME 

maybe I'm wrong on that

it just seems like 

SPECIFICS

take you

CLOSER to SOUL

& SOUL

doesn't GET you to HEAVEN

BUT

if it's MY divinity

OR perhaps 

the UNDERSTANDING 

that ultimately 

I am a little 

PIECE of

heaven

do you SEE where they're 

LOSING me

anyway 

I was thinking about that stuff 

& THEN

I started dealing with 

STUFF 

& I really 

lost some ground there

the sprouts are doing good 

they require much less

attention than I was

giving them

I was over watering 

I have a bad tendency to over water

which probably comes as no 

surprise 

THEN 

I tend to force myself not to

& THEN forget entirely 

UNTIL the plant

DIES

I'm EATING these

SO I'm unlikely to forget about them

DID you KNOW 

the WHITE SOX had

a POPE HAT

give away

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

dream thoughts

the first restaurant 

it doesn't seem like what I was doing 

was waitressing 

I would get an order

& it came out a slot

& I went & dumped it in this vat of something 

SO

I guess I was more like cooking it

& I don't know if I was taking it

TO

people or what

THEN

I don't remember anything about the second place except maybe I was at the wrong place 

& the last place was a swanky place

I was talking to someone official 

manager, owner, not sure

& they were talking about their 

PROBLEMS 

& I was like

OH

I'm happy to help with that

I don't think I'm much of a waitress

BUT 

I UNDERSTAND 

working a line

getting things done 

what makes you think you aren't a good waitress 

she asked

I don't think I passed the on the job experience 

at (I can't remember the restaurant name)

I was sure I didn't get all the recipes right 

since no one told me any recipes 

& I hadn't realized that was part of the job

BUT 

I didn't mention that 

because that's just an excuse 

NOT relevant 

we talked about the market niche

the restaurant filled

& she commended me on the choice

& it really seemed like

she wanted me on the team

BUT 

I really don't know what that MEANS 

check in april 12th

I feel somewhat better today 

it's raining 

orban has already conceded

I had weird dreams 

about sort of waitressing 

at three restaurants 

I slept another

like thirteen hours

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

additional thoughts

I'm going to try to sleep now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope I'm not freaking you out

I read back through 

those two posts

& I'm not sure 

that they make a lot of sense 

I'm not trying to be weird 

I'm trying to let you know 

as best as I can explain 

what's going on 

in my HEAD 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

thoughts

OR

MAYBE 

that's projection

& YOU DO ALREADY have faith 

& I'm just WORRYING about you 

to deflect my attention from me

I'm in some way

not cooperating with myself 

& I'm NOT trying to blame that on you

check in april 11th

I slept like fifteen or sixteen hours 

I needed to emotionally process 

& I feel like I do that

BETTER 

SOMETIMES 

while sleeping 

I woke up

with

baby blue

(by badfinger)

in my HEAD 

SO

maybe I've got you worried 

& that is not my intention 

I'm just trying to 

FOCUS on ME 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

rather than worrying 

TRY to have FAITH 

that I CAN

get ahold of what I 

NEED to understand  

to figure my sh*t out

if I'm focused on worrying about you 

that's not fixing my problem 

SO

it's NOT against your interest 

does that make sense 

my first grade first semester teacher had long blonde hair she constantly twirled around her fingers like it was an unparallel bars routine

I didn't USED to 

PICK 

my FACE

I USED to 

PLAY

with my 

HAIR 

BUT 

when I was like

ten eleven twelve 

I got blackheads and pimples

SOMETIMES 

& my mom

would 

GO

AT

me

with a NEEDLE 

I'm not sure it happened very many times 

I started doing masks & stuff

the ONLY incident 

I really remember 

was at her parents house 

THAT 

was pretty intense 

& WHEN I'm picking 

there are different aspects 

BUT 

there's this bit

where I ask it to stop 

& it won't 

it WON'T 

I've been MOSTLY not

picking THAT badly 

& the skin care team -- they are focused on 

BARRIER REPAIR 

BUT 

I need to stop doing it

check in april 9th

I think I can express a little bit of my weirdness 

as

there is a level of me-ness

I'm looking for in myself 

& I'm not seeing it

YET

& I'm not freaking out or anything 

I'm trusting the process

BUT 

I had to start taking allergy pills

& it gives me a different 

HEADSPACE 

there's a WAY

in which I'm always

MORE FOCUSED 

on "other factors"

I think this is part of WHY I am so fascinated with JAPAN

this sort of ritualisation of what is expected of you not to inflict yourself 

not to have to have THAT active

to RELAX that

PART of the

BRAIN 

now, is it really like that

IDK

& it's a LOT of people 

I'm often not good in crowds

SO

perhaps it would be 

OVERWHELMING 

BUT 

I think that's the opposite of what I'm 

LOOKING for 

I THINK 

I'm looking for 

SOMETHING 

ME ---but MORE

SOMETHING 

& then even that doesn't seem to be saying 

anything terribly coherent 

SO

I'll give an example 

check in april 8th

I'm unable to articulate 

what's happening in my HEAD 

I had a bunch of dreams I don't remember 

BUT 

ACTIVE 

working through things 

I'm continuing to go through stuff 

BUT 

not as quickly as I'd like 

I feel like something about 

narcissism & capitalism 

is trying to write itself into a new 1984 something 

in my HEAD 

& I DO remember a piece of dream

you and I

we're standing on a lawn

in front of a large shrubbery 

I feel like we were

DISCUSSING 

something 

& that there was a chance that it was possibly 

IMMANENT 

that we would fling ourselves 

into each other's arms

& then I woke up 

OR

possibly someone came up to ask a question 

& then I woke up

BUT 

there was some kind of interruption

I LOVE you VERY MUCH 

I'm gonna try to sleep now 

goodnight sweetheart 

check in april 7th

I was pretty distracted by 

t*ump & his civilization destruction threats 

I figured he would not go through with it

BUT 

I wasn't sure what he would do 

I feel like 

SOMEHOW 

this KINDA 

consumed my attention 

I had dreams 

BUT 

I could only remember 

right before I woke up 

SOMEBODY 

was right up in my face 

standing in front of me 

& SAID 

welcome elder

& it KINDA freaked me out 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm gonna try to sleep now

goodnight 

check in april 6th

I've had 

FOOL on the HILL 

in my HEAD 

several different times 

not continuously 

OH

I stopped writing 

& WANDERED 

OFF

in thought 

& NOW

I've got grieg 

is that hall of the mountain king

WHAT is THAT 

ABOUT 

check in april 5th

I've been in a sort of liminal space all day

I decided I would rather sleep 

there was enough weather 

to give me a headache 

SO

I decided I would do qi gong

&

it was more difficult than I thought it would be 

I mean 

I'm not saying it was difficult 

I started with a very 

SIMPLE one

something about the stance

wasn't comfortable 

I kept having to 

stop and touch my toes

stretching out my back, I guess

& the funny thing is that I have been feeling MORE RELAXED 

I have a greater range of motion 

in my neck & shoulders & upper back

than I have memory of when

I'm not sure what was my problem 

I felt stiff & uncoordinated*

*I always want to put hyphens in these

I didn't do a lot of work on the room

physically just one project

BUT 

I walked around the space 

I did some pondering 

I made some postulated beginnings for rules

about what to throw away 

& what to donate

& what to keep 

to try to sell

I made some postulated orders of operations

for going through the things still in the room 

on the FLOOR and the CHAIR

I have this rug I didn't want to put down

after the apartment flooded

that I'm thinking 

WALL

that seems like a lot of work 

I've just about worked myself around to FLOOR 

this rug

I was driving around 

& this shop was going out of business 

so the rug was at least fifty percent off 

& I still had to talk myself 

into it it was SO MUCH MORE than my

COMFORT ZONE 

I'm not sure it's 

CALM though

it's this

KINDA 

burgundy--magenta wool kilim

with I wanna say

orange spikey wheels woven in with 

some white accents

ACTUALLY 

it MIGHT be TOO big for FLOOR

I'm unreasonably tired

for someone who didn't DO that much 

check in april 4th

I have to not forget to take my l-theanine

I've been forgetting 

& then I FEEL 

the ANXIETY 

I would naturally be like

NO, let me back up

there is sometimes a problem with doing the things & forgetting the self care

BUT 

when I have forgotten 

I become AWARE of it & take the STUFF 

I was thinking about it

I have USED the 

CRUTCHES

& NOW

I'm not EVEN really snacking

I haven't moved the needle on the picking

I'm watching the qi gong videos

I'm not YET doing the

stretches

BUT 

I'm impressing myself on the STUFF front

I'm trying to do a variety of things

to get at the CORE 

a SPACE that

FEELS that that SERENE 

HOTEL vibe

BUT 

it's ALSO 

KINDA

it's a test of the can you interact with the real world well enough to set of something you want WHY have you NEVER really 

got THIS right

NOT 

I have all these THINGS 

that MUST be CONFIGURED 

RATHER 

HOW 

DO I 

WANT 

THIS 

to BE

ALSO

abraham hicks I THINK maybe

CRIBBED off

neville goddard 

& videos of decorators rearranging furniture 

short attention span

only two chapters in on shaolin

NOW

I've got peace train stuck in my HEAD 

SOUNDS like 

cat stevens did he do peace train

YES

I think it would be good for me to

SLEEP 

I'm probably going to tibetan buddhism tomorrow 

unless it's raining 

street flooding 

is a possibility 

SO

if it's raining 

& truthfully 

I want to

FINISH

the 

ROOM

BUT 

they're doing a teaching 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

check in april 4th

I've been thinking about 

all the stuff I've been 

going through 

although maybe going through sounds dramatic 

& I'm not trying to be dramatic 

BUT 

I'm not sure WHY I had to do all that

I FEEL like I DID 

BUT 

I can't really 

EXPLAIN 

WHY

I'm having SO MUCH better FOCUS 

with the improved nervous system 

& I really feel like 

I'm making progress 

I dreamed about 

a BIG ship

not super close

to the street full of shops and restaurants 

it was dry docked and I kept looking over at it

trying to figure out what it was there for

what it meant

& there kept being 

BLACK SMOKE 

was it coming from the ship

& how should I interpret 

the smoke

there was MORE 

conversations

maybe shopping 

maybe meals

BUT 

I can't remember 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 

check in april 3rd

HEY

were you with me last night/this morning 

I thought I felt you

& I felt held

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

check in april 2nd

I went through things

moved furniture around 

& lugged stuff

to the dumpster 

THEN 

I went & had a lie-down

& fell asleep 

THEN

I woke up

ate something 

& I've been 

measuring things

& thinking 

& watching videos 

BUT 

I haven't gotten any more accomplished 

my head hurts

so I'm probably going back to sleep soon 

pebbles are beautiful 

& so are you

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

check in april 1st

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I feel like I was in some kind of 

FLUX

I can't make any of it 

coherent 

I'm starting a shaolin audible book

I need to sleep 

I'll try to be

coherent 

TOMORROW 

🫶

up late picking

I'm not asleep yet

I NEED to QUIT picking at my face

I found out

it's a form of stimming

I'm not certain whether what I'm doing is stimming or more of a neurotic thing

BUT 

IF

it's stimming 

it OUGHT to be 

plug & play switched

for a DIFFERENT 

STIM

that spinning I used to do

ALSO 

possibly 

STIMMING