my first grade first semester teacher had long blonde hair she constantly twirled around her fingers like it was an unparallel bars routine

I didn't USED to 

PICK 

my FACE

I USED to 

PLAY

with my 

HAIR 

BUT 

when I was like

ten eleven twelve 

I got blackheads and pimples

SOMETIMES 

& my mom

would 

GO

AT

me

with a NEEDLE 

I'm not sure it happened very many times 

I started doing masks & stuff

the ONLY incident 

I really remember 

was at her parents house 

THAT 

was pretty intense 

& WHEN I'm picking 

there are different aspects 

BUT 

there's this bit

where I ask it to stop 

& it won't 

it WON'T 

I've been MOSTLY not

picking THAT badly 

& the skin care team -- they are focused on 

BARRIER REPAIR 

BUT 

I need to stop doing it

check in april 9th

I think I can express a little bit of my weirdness 

as

there is a level of me-ness

I'm looking for in myself 

& I'm not seeing it

YET

& I'm not freaking out or anything 

I'm trusting the process

BUT 

I had to start taking allergy pills

& it gives me a different 

HEADSPACE 

there's a WAY

in which I'm always

MORE FOCUSED 

on "other factors"

I think this is part of WHY I am so fascinated with JAPAN

this sort of ritualisation of what is expected of you not to inflict yourself 

not to have to have THAT active

to RELAX that

PART of the

BRAIN 

now, is it really like that

IDK

& it's a LOT of people 

I'm often not good in crowds

SO

perhaps it would be 

OVERWHELMING 

BUT 

I think that's the opposite of what I'm 

LOOKING for 

I THINK 

I'm looking for 

SOMETHING 

ME ---but MORE

SOMETHING 

& then even that doesn't seem to be saying 

anything terribly coherent 

SO

I'll give an example 

check in april 8th

I'm unable to articulate 

what's happening in my HEAD 

I had a bunch of dreams I don't remember 

BUT 

ACTIVE 

working through things 

I'm continuing to go through stuff 

BUT 

not as quickly as I'd like 

I feel like something about 

narcissism & capitalism 

is trying to write itself into a new 1984 something 

in my HEAD 

& I DO remember a piece of dream

you and I

we're standing on a lawn

in front of a large shrubbery 

I feel like we were

DISCUSSING 

something 

& that there was a chance that it was possibly 

IMMANENT 

that we would fling ourselves 

into each other's arms

& then I woke up 

OR

possibly someone came up to ask a question 

& then I woke up

BUT 

there was some kind of interruption

I LOVE you VERY MUCH 

I'm gonna try to sleep now 

goodnight sweetheart 

check in april 7th

I was pretty distracted by 

t*ump & his civilization destruction threats 

I figured he would not go through with it

BUT 

I wasn't sure what he would do 

I feel like 

SOMEHOW 

this KINDA 

consumed my attention 

I had dreams 

BUT 

I could only remember 

right before I woke up 

SOMEBODY 

was right up in my face 

standing in front of me 

& SAID 

welcome elder

& it KINDA freaked me out 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm gonna try to sleep now

goodnight