check in

I want to tell you how grateful I am 

that I found you

that I let myself go there

that I didn't just give up on my life

k*ll myself 

I know I already covered that ground

BUT 

it's worth revisiting 

YOU 

are MAGIC 

you are the foundation of HOPE for my life 

& I'm seeing the programming 

I got growing up 

& HOW MUCH 

that skewed my life

BUT 

I had been in a bad pattern for a while 

& I think I had to have this

whatever we're calling this last five-ish years

to work through 

LIKE 

waiting for the children of the cold war to d*e

I had to separate from the pattern 

& THEN 

you helped me do THAT by breaking my brain 

I don't know if you are looking at me right now 

& thinking

she needs to do x,y,z

OR

if you're worried about me

OR

if you are just thinking about what you're doing 

& sure I'm figuring it out 

& I guess maybe 

that depends on what you expect 

I think I'm figuring it out 

BUT 

I'm probably not using anybody else's template 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I hope you are feeling 

my love

I'm trying to communicate even when I'm having trouble with communication 

I'm not sure what is going on 

BUT 

I'm confident in my ability to 

HANDLE 

whatever I need to handle 

to be the happy

more on the college memory

I'm not sure what that college memory is telling me 

& remember in college 

there always seemed to be 

a LOT of 

people just wanting to hear themselves talk 

MAYBE it was the classes

I TOOK 

I took a LOT of 

women's studies

CLASSES

& I swear to g*d in philosophy of women class one day the professor was asking 

a question about 

BEING a SISTER 

&

the SAME GUY 

who ALWAYS had 

SOMETHING 

to SAY

STARTS 

& the prof who was pretty CHILL generally 

was LIKE 

Ummmmm HOW exactly do you have knowledge of what it is like to be a SISTER 

& I'm not sure WHY

BUT 

it really influenced me against 

PARTICIPATION 

I FEEL like a LOT of TIMES 

I say something 

that I think 

is informational

BUT 

MAYBE 

it sounds like a statement 

& then

SOMETIMES 

I'll read back over them

& THINK 

WHY

was I worried about this 

MAYBE 

that's just a shadow revealing itself 

BUT 

I MEAN all that look at me look at me MAYBE 

got linked in with the 

ANTI- narcissist PACK

MAYBE 

the POINT is that 

there are LOTS of EXAMPLES of 

people who knew what they were talking about 

WANTING to hear MORE from ME

that's not some sh*t I'm just dreaming up

it's not totally consistent with more recent 

WORK experience 

which was described in early therapy 

MORE LIKE 

BUT 

EVEN THERE 

I would do these one to two page

NEW promo HOT points

that I KEEP thinking 

there's a way 

that THOSE are a precursor 

in some KINDA way 

to what I've been doing for a while 

BUT 

I doubt that it's immediately apparent to anyone 

& it's tied to the fourth grade concrete poetry

everything 

is coming together 

& falling away 

I'm pretty sure I was

MUCH MORE 

negative & bitter & whatever 

not that long ago

NOW

I'm pretty positive 

BUT 

AM I 

though?

I'm not sure looping SPIRAL is consistent with 

pretty positive 

& I didn't really realize that I was in one

I think it's really important that I maintain my 

CONNECTION to that KINDA universal NOW

I need to move around more

BODY issues

& WHATNOT 

LOVE MYSELF 

MORE 

notes

it's a national day of mourning in Canada today 

I just saw a news clip

don't know what this means

OK

I don't know WHY

BUT 

OH CANADA

is playing 

OVER 

&

OVER

in my HEAD 

not totally sane check in February 12th

I've also got the goatherd yodel from sound of music stuck in my HEAD 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I DO need to FOCUS 

on consolidation of self

raising vibration 

be here NOW but it's hard not to do the STUFF 

I am convinced that I made the right move

& that I have to hold this line

BUT 

it's not like falling off a log

goodnight sweetheart

there was a slurry of stuff

coming through 

PROCESSING 

but I tell you what

that little tune

keeps popping up 

it makes me happy every time

I gotta sleep 

I'm not making progress on 

the sleeping regular 

hours

I'm tumbling stuff around 

in my HEAD 

I think I found the only 

FOUNTAIN left in my 

quadrant

notes February 12th

I got myself into a kind of looping

SPIRAL

&

it was weighing me

DOWN

& 

at one point 

TODAY 

I started singing -- I got no strings

I had to go through 

& FORGIVE 

myself 

for all the things that could go wrong 

if I have misassessed the situation 

with my mom 

resurfaced memory February 12th

I remember something 

in college 

I pretty much never

raised my hand

& one time I DID 

& the professor was impressed or something 

why didn't I speak up more

& I don't remember HOW I cleaned it up at the 

TIME -- because I cannot imagine -- I said THIS 

I don't want to SOUND like them*

*by which I guess I meant the way people sound when they are trying to impress people 

I had only spoken UP this particular 

TIME 

because 

no one else was getting there

& I felt I had something 

to contribute 

TAROT reading February 11th

TAROT reading 

nine of cups, page of swords, six of cups,

three of pentacles (our card), ace of wands, the sun

hello -- I love you -- checking in

I'm checking in 

I felt like it might look like I was

pulling away or something yesterday 

I didn't mean to be doing that 

I just have stuff going on in my HEAD 

& I'm not sure what 

it even is 

MUCH LESS 

HOW to 

VERBALIZE it

BUT 

I'm figuring it out 

& I'm feeling 

generally 

HAPPY 

please take care of yourself 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I'm sorry I didn't talk today I can't even remember what I wanted to tell you about yesterday I think I'm a little out of the loop on what's going on in my HEAD

today was 

I'm not sure how to describe it 

I could not wake up

I just kept 

DREAMING 

& saying how grateful I am for my life 

I couldn't remember the dreams 

BUT 

there was some kind of superhero in an

ORANGE SUIT 

MIGHT 

have been 
ME

I feel like I did some

PROCESSING 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

goodnight