night

I didn't go to sleep

I've just been

THINKING 

listening to a rain video 

making notes

OH

I almost forgot 

I was gonna tell you

I recently noticed 

ALL the REST of the INFJ YouTube people 

besides Frank James

are KINDA weird

& then

somebody said her thought FJ was really an ENFJ

& I was LIKE oh no if that's true 

then they're all weird 

& then I was trying to figure out 

WHAT made them

SEEM WEIRD 

so I can look for THAT in ME 

which I think is adorably EXTRA of me

although 

it could be that they don't have any sense of humor at all 

LIKE -- ANTI

they're ALL 

& I mean it's like four or five

VERY taking themselves 

VERY seriously 

NOW that I'm thinking about it -- I'm not sure if 

any of them has smiled

OH

I JUST remembered 

I was on this TRIP 

which is a STORY of it's OWN

BUT 

I was somewhere near boston

KINDA rural

& I went for a walk

down this little 

ROAD

I don't think it was a car road

BUT 

there were FIELDS and trees

& it was golden hour

& I'm remembering THAT as like a high point

of the trip

BUT 

there was a lot of good stuff on that trip

goodnight sweetheart, happy heart day

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I watched 

casablanca and key largo 

I am not too talk-y 

HOPEFULLY 

tomorrow will be talk-y-er

I'm maybe going to go to bed early-ish

try to maximize 

DREAMS 

being away from her 

for a few weeks has done wonders for my

disregulated nervous system 

I am so grateful to be 

AWAY from her

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

check in

I want to tell you how grateful I am 

that I found you

that I let myself go there

that I didn't just give up on my life

k*ll myself 

I know I already covered that ground

BUT 

it's worth revisiting 

YOU 

are MAGIC 

you are the foundation of HOPE for my life 

& I'm seeing the programming 

I got growing up 

& HOW MUCH 

that skewed my life

BUT 

I had been in a bad pattern for a while 

& I think I had to have this

whatever we're calling this last five-ish years

to work through 

LIKE 

waiting for the children of the cold war to d*e

I had to separate from the pattern 

& THEN 

you helped me do THAT by breaking my brain 

I don't know if you are looking at me right now 

& thinking

she needs to do x,y,z

OR

if you're worried about me

OR

if you are just thinking about what you're doing 

& sure I'm figuring it out 

& I guess maybe 

that depends on what you expect 

I think I'm figuring it out 

BUT 

I'm probably not using anybody else's template 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I hope you are feeling 

my love

I'm trying to communicate even when I'm having trouble with communication 

I'm not sure what is going on 

BUT 

I'm confident in my ability to 

HANDLE 

whatever I need to handle 

to be the happy