IDEA march 15th

I have this kinda something 

rolling around in my 

HEAD 

I wanna try to 

TELL you 

ABOUT 

it

I take a jar of PICKLES out of the REFRIGERATOR 

I find myself 

STANDING in the kitchen 

refrigerator door 

OPEN 

I WANT ---SOMETHING 

THIS  ---is a place I am broken

that sounds really dramatic --is it really that dramatic 

THIS ---connects me to my father 

it's late night binge eating 

I'm NOT 

BINGE eating 

OK let's be 

CLEAR

you ONLY have healthy food in the house

& you are limiting quantities

you're calling it a meal

you still fit in your clothes

I'm talking about what you are enacting

I ALMOST DIED ---last night ---he said to me

and then he would tell me a story 

being up

LATE

eating in the night

I FEEL like I should ADD something 

BRIGHT LIGHT in the KITCHEN 

he had eaten

CHEESE 

& PEANUT BUTTER 

& he almost hadn't lived

to TELL 

AND

REMEMBER when 

he tried to teach you about

bulimia 

BUT 

you were too THICK to pick up on it

I take a jar of pickles out of the refrigerator 

I take the lid off 

I DRINK

PICKLE JUICE ---oh good the pickles are basically STILL covered with pickle juice*

*there is a somewhat joyful acknowledgement of this fact since it came late in the process and couldn't be assured 

is THAT what you WANTED 

WELL 

I MEAN I think the point is that you are trying to USE FOOD to FILL

a METAPHORICAL

HUNGER

BUT 

if you're asking 

it KINDA 

HIT the

SPOT

check in march 14th

the sun is shining 

the weather is fine

I'm happy to be 

ALIVE

I'm grateful for a bunch of things 

YOU, for example 

I'm still not sure exactly what that dream was

ABOUT 

BUT 

my nervous system is SO MUCH better 

I'm okay 

I'm doing okay

don't worry about me 

just send the positive vibrations 

this could be a beautiful world 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

weird dream

I dreamed I was in some sort of treatment facility 

I guess you'd call it

something 

PSYCHOLOGICAL 

I think 

& I needed to pee

I was going to walk up the stairs 

to go to the bathroom 

& SUDDENLY 

there were

SO MANY 

people 

coming DOWN the stairs

& my therapist -- or whatever was going on 

SAID -- DON'T GO to the bathroom 

JUST PEE

into the

PILLOW 

now, that might strike you as a strange directive

it certainly seems STRANGE to me now

& I think it seemed strange to me in the dream 

BUT 

she was quite serious 

AS THOUGH 

it was an important exercise for my recovery 

SO

I DID it -- peed into the pillow -- 

SITTING on the FLOOR 

AND

the pee MOSTLY didn't seem to ABSORB 

it pooled out into the floor 

which ALSO 

was a non-absorptive surface 

AND

the beautiful GOLDEN liquid 

RAN EVERYWHERE 

I crawled around 

wiping it up

WITH the PILLOW 

which now seemed to absorb just fine

COLOR in DREAMS 

always SEEMS important to me 

I wasn't embarrassed 

I wasn't angry

I wasn't frustrated 

I was just

FOCUSED

on the task at hand 

AFTERWARDS 

I stood up 

I wasn't FAT anymore 

I have no idea what that means 

thoughts march 12/13th

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I remember hearing that live

in northampton 

walking around 

before the show outside 

& it must have been fall

because the

LEAVES

were

SO

RED

&

there were three of us who were put together 

at a table because we were all

ALONE 

&

strings broke

TWICE

& unrelated to that

yay for

ZIPPERS