check in april 21st

PROBABLY 

the jail thing is a scam

IDK

I went and read jason's many dms

--- because I haven't read ANY of them since he said the thing I said was triggering to me ---

& I gotta SAY

it is possible that he's a narcissist

which I didn't really think he was

BUT 

it's all LIKE 

WELL 

I'm just going to 

KEEP TRYING to REACH OUT to you 

with your problems 

EVERYONE 

has problems 

nowhere is there anything like

if I did or said anything 

I'm sorry 

JUST

things designed to cause 

GUILT

WHATEVER 

I'm gonna go back to NOT reading them

I was just curious & figured they

wouldn't trigger me now

& they didn't 

not even the photo of dad

I AM 

a little concerned with the IDEA that maybe 

NO ONE really KNOWS me

& if that's because I'm doing something 

that I could simply do

SOME OTHER WAY

AM I bringing this on myself 

NOT my family 

that's just an unfortunate toxic pattern

or set of patterns that I'm unwilling to play along with but can't change by myself 

BUT 

if you understand me

you might be the only one 

& I don't know how much SENSE I make to you

I just know you CARE

ANYWAY 

I wonder 

I watched this video

talking about WHY 

babies & animals

LIKE

my personality type

& I THOUGHT 

that might be part of the reason people don't get me

I don't project my DESIRES of them

AT THEM

which maybe makes me

INVISIBLE 

in some ways 

it's part of what makes me feel SAFE for people to talk to ALSO but that READS as 

non-judgemental

I maybe don't know how to be human

APPARENTLY people don't actually 

LISTEN to what you SAY

they ONLY listen to 

RESPOND 

SO

explaining yourself 

JUST SOUNDS 

like weakness or something 

I'm exhausted by the very CONCEPT of all that

I sound like I'm not doing well

BUT 

I think I'm basically okay

I just THINK I'm assessing what's just ME

in the equation of my life 

& WONDERING 

WHAT if anything I want to change

I don't like the IDEA that I'm some sort of

BLANK SPACE

BUT 

other people coming AT ME is a thing I don't like

SO

I'm not wanting to do THAT

it's all part of the

self sovereignity assessment 

I'm running on myself 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

sometimes the world feels weird

I've gotten three calls ---

I have my ringer turned off

because I'm not currently responding to fires

--- from a prison in Louisiana 

they don't say who is trying to call

I suspect a wrong number 

BUT 

last thing I knew

my brother john ---

who I haven't spoken to in like 

eighteen years

& that's how recent my information about his

whereabouts is 

--- was working on a boat

as a cook

OFFSHORE Louisiana 

it's a wrong number 

right?!

check in april 21st

I don't think I said anything yesterday 

I was feeling 

kinda off

I had

dreams about past jobs

sort of & I had an insecure moment or

SOMETHING 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

thoughts

I was going through an old photo album

edith (my hippie aunt) 

left with my mom 

who never gave it to me

& I found when I was

clearing out her 

house 

I found a picture she had taken

of Lombardi street

---the crookedest Street in the world---

& she had a note on it for me

because I was three & a half and likely wouldn't 

REMEMBER 

the note SAID 

this is a picture I took of Lombardi street 

joan really liked it

I REMEMBER 

VIVIDLY 

when edith directed us onto that street

& joan got a view of it

realized she couldn't back up

couldn't find any way

OUT of it

freaked out

& proceeded to wind the enormous whale of a car

down this street without hitting anything 

with maybe a soupcon of

here goes nothin'

because 

what the hell, ya know 

I felt EVERY BIT of THAT 

AND 

while I do believe she 

SAID 

something LIKE 

well THAT was FUN

my TAKE is that

the feeling was 

edith had done it, probably on purpose, but since she didn't drive there wasn't any point in saying anything because she would just SAY

OH I had NO IDEA

that might be stressful*

SO

no body ever called her on it

*I don't believe anythone ever said stressful back then

BUT 

the IDEA 

that joan enjoyed the experience 

that she would write me a 

NOTE

telling me

joan liked it 

SEEMS WEIRD 

to me

gonna try to sleep now

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much