notes February 16/17th

I went to work club

I missed work club

I'm not doing the empathy engine 

any more

something about my

experience with 

the narcissist 

makes me 

THINK 

that's not gonna work 

SO

I'm thinking all these thoughts 

& suddenly 

I'm LIKE 

I need questions 

I guess like to pull out personality stuff 

WHAT would you do if you KNEW

you COULDN'T FAIL

I've always had trouble with that

BUT 

TODAY 

I came RIGHT back

BUY a LOTTERY ticket 

I don't know whether to think

that's BAD 

I MEAN 

I think the point is 

PICK a THING 

BUT 

then I had this

thing come down the

channelTube

the UNIVERSE needs you to DECIDE FASTER

SO

maybe 

I was thinking a hundred million dollars would facilitate multiple things I'd like to 

ACCOMPLISH

I didn't buy one YET though

I've been thinking about a thing my mom said

back at the beginning 

I'm just trying to keep myself alive 

without killing you 

as lived experience 

it SEEMED like a 

LINE

BUT 

out of context

I KINDA like it 

I'm maybe gonna use it

SOMEHOW 

trip notes

it occurs to me that I didn't tell you about that Boston trip

when I went to live with my mom 

she put me in this weird private school 

that was across the street 

the owner asked me 

towards the end of the school year 

where I was going on summer vacation 

& I told her there wasn't a summer vacation 

because THAT is what my mom had said

spent that money on tuition 

mrs. J the owner SAID 

oh, come with us 

we're going back to my mom's for vacation 

I didn't want to 

I didn't want to be that up close and personal 

with the woman who ran the school 

BUT 

my mom made it CLEAR 

SHE thought it was a good opportunity 

& if I didn't 

SHE would make SURE 

I regretted it 

SO

I went 

& I saw some battleship 

because her son was

into that kinda stuff 

mystic seaport

stirbridge village

the liberty bell

newport mansions

& since I had had this "great opportunity"

my gran gran and aunt joan and my mom

ALL gave me money to spend 

& we saw the mayflower and I'm all LIKE 

I think this is the one I'm related to 

I was LIKE eleven 

BUT 

THAT was a BIG mistake 

because they were portuguese 

& there's a whole cultural 

thing in that area

that I was unaware of 

& I think I must have said some things

that I got from some adult 

probably my mom

that gave her

SOME IDEA

that I was

ELITE 

or something 

in my pathetic hand me down polyester double knit pants

& my total inability to do

being around people 

properly

I think I said something about 

they'd sell the mansions

if you waved enough 

MONEY at 'em

I knocked over a drink at dinner 

because my table manners 

we're apparently 

SHOCKING 

& I put my drink on the wrong side 

I had trouble for the rest of my time at that school just like I thought I would 

& I'm not really sure 

WHY

SO

it was just another case of

I wish I'd listened to myself instead of my mom

BUT 

I DID get the trip

& I was gonna have trouble either way

THAT was ALSO 

the trip where I met red jasper

I was on a seashore somewhere 

that was rock instead of sand

I picked it up

the piece of red jasper 

& it spoke to me

I can't remember what it said 

BUT 

it was a strong connection 

movie notes

I watched 

borg vs mcenroe 

I thought as a film it was pretty amazing 

I'm not sure whether it

REALLY 

captured

THEM

I don't really 

REMEMBER what they were like

from any sort of personal 

MEMORY 

I remember having an awareness of them

more mcenroe 

I had much MORE awareness of 

billie jean king

and then later martina 

I've never really understood tennis 

I've TRIED I'm not sure what the problem is 

when I'm watching a game 

I can get a lot of what's 

HAPPENING 

from the

ENERGY 

but I just can't seem to make my brain 

absorb whatever it is

BUT 

I WANT to understand it

OR maybe I don't really 

BUT 

I think I do

and anyway I wanted to understand mcenroe 

what I remember of him as a kid

I don't think the angry thing

I think all that kind of 

HOW TRANSGRESSIVE

that WAS

I think that was LOST on ME 

I think I thought everybody thought he was

KINDA excitingly dramatic 

I REALLY liked the pacing of the film

& the way the different worlds

we're realized

the scene where borg is at

STUDIO 54

& everything in the world is going on 

BUT 

SOMEHOW 

he is completely not part of any of it

but almost in a psychedelic way 

or something 

I MEAN 

I resonated with THAT 

BUT 

I feel like maybe I didn't get 

an equally strong 

MOMENT with 

mcenroe 

I wanted the wall writing to be that

BUT 

it wasn't quite 

& I have a hard time 

imagining 

that you haven't seen it

I enjoyed it 

BUT 

not as much as I could potentially have 

if I just had a better understanding 

although sometimes 

that can go the other way

night

I didn't go to sleep

I've just been

THINKING 

listening to a rain video 

making notes

OH

I almost forgot 

I was gonna tell you

I recently noticed 

ALL the REST of the INFJ YouTube people 

besides Frank James

are KINDA weird

& then

somebody said her thought FJ was really an ENFJ

& I was LIKE oh no if that's true 

then they're all weird 

& then I was trying to figure out 

WHAT made them

SEEM WEIRD 

so I can look for THAT in ME 

which I think is adorably EXTRA of me

although 

it could be that they don't have any sense of humor at all 

LIKE -- ANTI

they're ALL 

& I mean it's like four or five

VERY taking themselves 

VERY seriously 

NOW that I'm thinking about it -- I'm not sure if 

any of them has smiled

OH

I JUST remembered 

I was on this TRIP 

which is a STORY of it's OWN

BUT 

I was somewhere near boston

KINDA rural

& I went for a walk

down this little 

ROAD

I don't think it was a car road

BUT 

there were FIELDS and trees

& it was golden hour

& I'm remembering THAT as like a high point

of the trip

BUT 

there was a lot of good stuff on that trip

goodnight sweetheart, happy heart day

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I watched 

casablanca and key largo 

I am not too talk-y 

HOPEFULLY 

tomorrow will be talk-y-er

I'm maybe going to go to bed early-ish

try to maximize 

DREAMS 

being away from her 

for a few weeks has done wonders for my

disregulated nervous system 

I am so grateful to be 

AWAY from her

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶