additional thoughts

I'm going to try to sleep now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope I'm not freaking you out

I read back through 

those two posts

& I'm not sure 

that they make a lot of sense 

I'm not trying to be weird 

I'm trying to let you know 

as best as I can explain 

what's going on 

in my HEAD 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

thoughts

OR

MAYBE 

that's projection

& YOU DO ALREADY have faith 

& I'm just WORRYING about you 

to deflect my attention from me

I'm in some way

not cooperating with myself 

& I'm NOT trying to blame that on you

check in april 11th

I slept like fifteen or sixteen hours 

I needed to emotionally process 

& I feel like I do that

BETTER 

SOMETIMES 

while sleeping 

I woke up

with

baby blue

(by badfinger)

in my HEAD 

SO

maybe I've got you worried 

& that is not my intention 

I'm just trying to 

FOCUS on ME 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

rather than worrying 

TRY to have FAITH 

that I CAN

get ahold of what I 

NEED to understand  

to figure my sh*t out

if I'm focused on worrying about you 

that's not fixing my problem 

SO

it's NOT against your interest 

does that make sense 

my first grade first semester teacher had long blonde hair she constantly twirled around her fingers like it was an unparallel bars routine

I didn't USED to 

PICK 

my FACE

I USED to 

PLAY

with my 

HAIR 

BUT 

when I was like

ten eleven twelve 

I got blackheads and pimples

SOMETIMES 

& my mom

would 

GO

AT

me

with a NEEDLE 

I'm not sure it happened very many times 

I started doing masks & stuff

the ONLY incident 

I really remember 

was at her parents house 

THAT 

was pretty intense 

& WHEN I'm picking 

there are different aspects 

BUT 

there's this bit

where I ask it to stop 

& it won't 

it WON'T 

I've been MOSTLY not

picking THAT badly 

& the skin care team -- they are focused on 

BARRIER REPAIR 

BUT 

I need to stop doing it

check in april 9th

I think I can express a little bit of my weirdness 

as

there is a level of me-ness

I'm looking for in myself 

& I'm not seeing it

YET

& I'm not freaking out or anything 

I'm trusting the process

BUT 

I had to start taking allergy pills

& it gives me a different 

HEADSPACE 

there's a WAY

in which I'm always

MORE FOCUSED 

on "other factors"

I think this is part of WHY I am so fascinated with JAPAN

this sort of ritualisation of what is expected of you not to inflict yourself 

not to have to have THAT active

to RELAX that

PART of the

BRAIN 

now, is it really like that

IDK

& it's a LOT of people 

I'm often not good in crowds

SO

perhaps it would be 

OVERWHELMING 

BUT 

I think that's the opposite of what I'm 

LOOKING for 

I THINK 

I'm looking for 

SOMETHING 

ME ---but MORE

SOMETHING 

& then even that doesn't seem to be saying 

anything terribly coherent 

SO

I'll give an example