update

the package got here really quick 

it shipped friday 

it's already 

here

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

it's more difficult than it looked

will you post this

I suddenly have to tell you

I ordered the kalimba

on some level

to play with you 

or for you

& I'm not saying 

NO to anything 

let's see if it lets me post this

I can tell something is going on

I'm not sure what 

I'm definitely having emotions 

that I don't know where they're coming from 

SO

I'm trying to find my brain 

I'm trying to do it quickly 

this tension 

throws me off

I want to be 

NOT

some weird way I've been before 

I want to be

OPEN 

to whatever goodness is possible 

NOT

limited by my past pattern

YOU 

are the only thing that has ever made me want to

LIVE

THAT sounds slightly psychotic 

we've talked about it before 

but I guess what I want to underscore here is

YOU gave me HOPE 

for LIFE 

I want to know you as well as I can

I don't want to hurt you or trap you in any way 

I feel like there's something 

I'm not doing or saying 

BUT 

I don't know if that's because I'm picking it up 

OR

if I'm having some fall back paranoia 

check in may 18th

TODAY 

it's letting me post 

what's up with that

I'm sad

& I keep hearing 

the sound clip of the buzzy kalimba

SO

what does that mean

I can't imagine that anything I said 

about myself was offensive 

& honestly I'm at a point where 

MAYBE 

I should be less concerned about being offensive 

BUT 

I don't understand why I'm sad

are you quitting me

I'm so weird

I'm guessing I'm right

BECAUSE 

I'm hearing 

under african skies

in my HEAD 

more thoughts

I had trouble posting 

& I decided 

THAT

was the universe telling me 

I needed to write 

on substack

& I was

going to

I was trying to figure out 

HOW 

& I started this thing

that I THOUGHT I liked

BUT 

then I got up

& I read a thing

& I went back to sleep 

& had some DREAMS 

& the dreams 

didn't make sense 

I don't know how much that influenced 

check in may 16th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart

bespoke dances not social constructs

I found a video 

which 

finally explained for me

what I've been trying to explain 

for years

it really helped me 

ALSO

bespoke dances

tall in the saddle

after the dream of falling & calling your name out

these are the roots of rhythm 

& roots of rhythm remain 

the personal vibration 

the wave

of the person

is important to me 

I interact with that

it was a good day

I think it's an

EARWORM 

I've been hearing it

ALL day 

I think 

between all the permutations of

mbira/kalimba/kongoma/

etc

there are lots of 

sound variations 

I'm getting 

KINDA

like I got with chords

only I have more

EXCITEMENT 

it's supposed to ship tomorrow 

I have this

unified front of excitement 

ALL the PARTS 

are LIKE 

we play an instrument 

NOW 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I FEEL 

FUN-er

for a while

I don't think I've felt fun at all

for a while now

I'm like the full spectrum of 

the goofiest woody guthrie song he wrote for his kids about hanukkah to

some extended

julian cope

poet is 

priest

mix

&

I'm into it

I'm going to try to sleep 

YOU are MAGIC