more thoughts -- goodnight sweetheart

I have 

BLUES BROTHERS -- soul man

stuck in my 

HEAD 

I'm not sure what I'm saying to myself 

I LOVED 

saturday night live 

those early seasons 

& I was young enough that you'd think I wouldn't 

be staying up

LATE 

BUT 

I was ALWAYS a nite owl

& I MEAN 

the blues brothers were also 

on a mission from g*d

I watched the midnight special too

at least some of it

I think monty python 

was in there somewhere -- I can't remember 

BUT 

THAT I ALSO LOVED

my father said he didn't like british humor 

--- too dry

BUT 

I liked monty python 

I didn't like

benny hill

thoughts

jesse jackson 

was the first person I ever voted for

I guess I voted before work 

I have this image 

in my HEAD 

being in the break room

at bookstop

I was just looking at the sign yesterday 

work club

is across the street from

where bookstop was

& I was just looking at it

the neon on the outside movie theater sign

it WAS red

NOW

it's white

& I imagine it has to do with 

COST

repairing the old sign

& isn't neon

going RARE 

I'm sure it was red when I was there LAST

BUT that was LIKE november 

it looked good all new & whatnot

BUT 

it disturbed me 

TOO

then I LOOKED when the Uber drove by

& CACTUS* 🌵 is gone

*records

notes February 16/17th

I went to work club

I missed work club

I'm not doing the empathy engine 

any more

something about my

experience with 

the narcissist 

makes me 

THINK 

that's not gonna work 

SO

I'm thinking all these thoughts 

& suddenly 

I'm LIKE 

I need questions 

I guess like to pull out personality stuff 

WHAT would you do if you KNEW

you COULDN'T FAIL

I've always had trouble with that

BUT 

TODAY 

I came RIGHT back

BUY a LOTTERY ticket 

I don't know whether to think

that's BAD 

I MEAN 

I think the point is 

PICK a THING 

BUT 

then I had this

thing come down the

channelTube

the UNIVERSE needs you to DECIDE FASTER

SO

maybe 

I was thinking a hundred million dollars would facilitate multiple things I'd like to 

ACCOMPLISH

I didn't buy one YET though

I've been thinking about a thing my mom said

back at the beginning 

I'm just trying to keep myself alive 

without killing you 

as lived experience 

it SEEMED like a 

LINE

BUT 

out of context

I KINDA like it 

I'm maybe gonna use it

SOMEHOW 

trip notes

it occurs to me that I didn't tell you about that Boston trip

when I went to live with my mom 

she put me in this weird private school 

that was across the street 

the owner asked me 

towards the end of the school year 

where I was going on summer vacation 

& I told her there wasn't a summer vacation 

because THAT is what my mom had said

spent that money on tuition 

mrs. J the owner SAID 

oh, come with us 

we're going back to my mom's for vacation 

I didn't want to 

I didn't want to be that up close and personal 

with the woman who ran the school 

BUT 

my mom made it CLEAR 

SHE thought it was a good opportunity 

& if I didn't 

SHE would make SURE 

I regretted it 

SO

I went 

& I saw some battleship 

because her son was

into that kinda stuff 

mystic seaport

stirbridge village

the liberty bell

newport mansions

& since I had had this "great opportunity"

my gran gran and aunt joan and my mom

ALL gave me money to spend 

& we saw the mayflower and I'm all LIKE 

I think this is the one I'm related to 

I was LIKE eleven 

BUT 

THAT was a BIG mistake 

because they were portuguese 

& there's a whole cultural 

thing in that area

that I was unaware of 

& I think I must have said some things

that I got from some adult 

probably my mom

that gave her

SOME IDEA

that I was

ELITE 

or something 

in my pathetic hand me down polyester double knit pants

& my total inability to do

being around people 

properly

I think I said something about 

they'd sell the mansions

if you waved enough 

MONEY at 'em

I knocked over a drink at dinner 

because my table manners 

we're apparently 

SHOCKING 

& I put my drink on the wrong side 

I had trouble for the rest of my time at that school just like I thought I would 

& I'm not really sure 

WHY

SO

it was just another case of

I wish I'd listened to myself instead of my mom

BUT 

I DID get the trip

& I was gonna have trouble either way

THAT was ALSO 

the trip where I met red jasper

I was on a seashore somewhere 

that was rock instead of sand

I picked it up

the piece of red jasper 

& it spoke to me

I can't remember what it said 

BUT 

it was a strong connection