good morning sweetheart

I had a LOT of dreams 

& I don't really remember SPECIFICS except 

the final image

MAYBE 

the others will come back to me

there was school

ART school 

ALL KINDS of THINGS 

BUT 

at my gran gran's house

I was looking out

a window*

*which was not configured correctly from a historical standpoint 

I was LOOKING out a window 

at an enormous 

MOOSE

I had seen it earlier 

BUT 

I was shocked 

because it was remaining in the

SAME position 

& I didn't see 

HOW 

it was EVEN possible for it to be in 

THAT POSITION 

at ALL

MUCH LESS

for an extended amount of 

TIME

it was on its hind legs 

with its front legs 

UP in kind of 

a supplication 

CURLED

&

it just stayed like that

STATIONARY 

HOW 

was it balancing

HOW 

did it remain 

STRONG 

& in the shadows 

it was

SHIFTED

back & forth

from a 

MOOSE 

to a

T REX

with its curled up little arms

& I suppose 

you COULD call

EITHER 

of them a 

MONSTER 

BUT 

that wouldn't be 

ACCURATE 

check in april 23rd

I'm sorry about your friend 

maybe he'll be at all of them for a while 

if he doesn't have to be anywhere soon

I walked to the convenience store 

to buy my lottery tickets 

I got two

scratch offs*

*which were not winners

I got three

I was trying to find

the old school ones that don't have the 

POWER BALL feature 

& they DO still have them

they are called

LOTTERY 

EXTRA 

which makes no sense whatsoever 

& the draw is Saturday

I think 

SO

I have to wait

to SEE what I win

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm supposed to have an extra good luck day tomorrow my horoscope said buy a lottery ticket

OK

I am in a weird place

& I'm not sure

WHY

or how long I've been here

I feel a strong desire to apologize for being 

TEDIOUS 

BUT 

that SEEMS contrary

to what I'm trying to achieve 

SO

MAYBE 

that's a good illustration of one of my issues 

I can SEE how

the experience of ME 

in my FULL confusing me-ness

MIGHT be 

LIKE 

a bit MUCH 

& I want to acknowledge 

that I KNOW that

I listened to my aunt joan telling me all the problems with edith

for years

I listened and I did

WHATEVER 

it is that I DO

in my personal belief 

that's not really 

FAIR to a

KID

BUT 

it comes naturally to me, I guess 

SO

maybe I started it, ya know

it was f*cking her up pretty good 

& I TOLD her 

she should JUST stop

& she explained to me that I was a monster

& I guess I thought about that too

BUT 

I'm not saying 

I'm sorry for being the way I am

& I'm not forcing you to 

deal with me

BUT 

I'm a little over how long everything takes

I'm commiserating 

I had to stop

LOOK 

at what I've gone through 

be a little BIT impressed

BUT 

I'm all over the place

& last night

I thought I felt you quantum entangled 

& then I had this whole

FILM portal thing

like the beatles

thing

& I thought I had a THING 

but then I second guessed my mind meld

& freaked out

& THAT is what THAT was ABOUT 

AND

this voice in my HEAD 

KEEPS yelling 

DANDELION 

check in april 22nd

I wasn't trying to make that

HEAVY

or about you

I just don't know how much SENSE I make

I know you understand 

some of what I'm talking about 

don't let my

self questioning 

spill over into some kind of criticism of you

I don't mean it like that

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

sleep is really good

the barbarella experience thing

is somehow like that

machine thing

I don't really remember exactly 

like it was an organ

MAYBE 

& it was gonna

KILL

her with pleasure 

or something 

well

it was not like that

obviously 

but that's the thing that came to MIND 

to describe it SEE 

BUT 

then I realize

I might not remember the 

SAME part you'd 

remember 

& SO

I guess I just didn't want to have 

to feel like I was doing 

EVERYTHING 

& I'm making it WEIRD so I'll stop

sleep is good

the skincare squad is threatening to quit

they have been working 

miracles

BUT 

the part of me that picks

is just using that as an excuse 

to pick more

I was walking across the parking lot 

from my car to the vet

NO

I was walking 

FROM 

the vet --- picking up a prescription 

& I CAUGHT something 

out of the corner of 

my EYE

I

looked

UP

& there was an enormous 

LIKE 

the WHOLE 

PUFF

of the dandelion 

going 

UP

I don't believe 

ANY PART

of a dandelion 

has wafted past me

in ANY CAPACITY 

since I was in the GRASS

BLOWING on them

MYSELF 

EVEN THEN 

not the whole thing 

that's 

gotta 

be a 

SIGN

gn LOVE

I'm gonna try to sleep now

BUT 

I have to tell you

ABOUT 

dandelion sighting 

I'm glad I'm not claiming to be sane

because I don't think 

that would accurately represent 

& I just had

what I suddenly 

NEED to CALL 

a barbarella experience 

check in april 21st

PROBABLY 

the jail thing is a scam

IDK

I went and read jason's many dms

--- because I haven't read ANY of them since he said the thing I said was triggering to me ---

& I gotta SAY

it is possible that he's a narcissist

which I didn't really think he was

BUT 

it's all LIKE 

WELL 

I'm just going to 

KEEP TRYING to REACH OUT to you 

with your problems 

EVERYONE 

has problems 

nowhere is there anything like

if I did or said anything 

I'm sorry 

JUST

things designed to cause 

GUILT

WHATEVER 

I'm gonna go back to NOT reading them

I was just curious & figured they

wouldn't trigger me now

& they didn't 

not even the photo of dad

I AM 

a little concerned with the IDEA that maybe 

NO ONE really KNOWS me

& if that's because I'm doing something 

that I could simply do

SOME OTHER WAY

AM I bringing this on myself 

NOT my family 

that's just an unfortunate toxic pattern

or set of patterns that I'm unwilling to play along with but can't change by myself 

BUT 

if you understand me

you might be the only one 

& I don't know how much SENSE I make to you

I just know you CARE

ANYWAY 

I wonder 

I watched this video

talking about WHY 

babies & animals

LIKE

my personality type

& I THOUGHT 

that might be part of the reason people don't get me

I don't project my DESIRES of them

AT THEM

which maybe makes me

INVISIBLE 

in some ways 

it's part of what makes me feel SAFE for people to talk to ALSO but that READS as 

non-judgemental

I maybe don't know how to be human

APPARENTLY people don't actually 

LISTEN to what you SAY

they ONLY listen to 

RESPOND 

SO

explaining yourself 

JUST SOUNDS 

like weakness or something 

I'm exhausted by the very CONCEPT of all that

I sound like I'm not doing well

BUT 

I think I'm basically okay

I just THINK I'm assessing what's just ME

in the equation of my life 

& WONDERING 

WHAT if anything I want to change

I don't like the IDEA that I'm some sort of

BLANK SPACE

BUT 

other people coming AT ME is a thing I don't like

SO

I'm not wanting to do THAT

it's all part of the

self sovereignity assessment 

I'm running on myself 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much