it let me post -- check in may 27th

I have been 

EXTREMELY 

caught up in an anxious

paranoid perspective spinning

thing

while I've been going through this whatever it was

I don't know whether I was too caught up

in the feeling that

EVERYTHING OUTSIDE of ME 

was AGAINST me

OR

WHAT

BUT 

I'm still getting things done

& I feel SO MUCH 

more normal today 

I threw away

didn't even donate

a baby blanket that I crocheted

granny squares

when I was like eleven 

I'm not sure WHY I made a baby blanket 

I didn't give it to deborah for John

maybe I had thought I would 

BUT 

when she asked me 

I said no

& THEN when I was cleaning out my mom's garage 

THERE it suddenly was AGAIN 

& I took it

BUT 

it has no happy memories 

ONLY 

BAD

ones

it was in a plastic bag 

it LOOKED clean

I didn't even take it out of the bag to look

I just threw it away

I kept the baseball yarmulke I won on theme park 

I don't use it

BUT 

it made me 

happy 

& it's pretty small

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

test check in may 25th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I didn't know it would let me post

I just wanted to say

I LOVE you 

🫶

I

LOVE 

YOU 

since it's posting let see if it keeps posting

I have she's so heavy 

stuck in my head 

not the whole song

just that line over and over again 

& I don't know how to interpret that 

I hope this posts because I've already written it

I think I missed 

a lot of 

POSTS

I was working

& I wasn't 

paying much attention 

because I was in a

I don't know what is going on with me thing

which I thought I told you

BUT 

maybe I didn't 

I wasn't trying to be an *ssh*le

I'm just trying to get my own head together 

I am sorry that I didn't keep up 

& probably didn't let you know properly

what was going on with me 

I have reduced capacity to figure out what is 

going on & I really need to figure things 

out 

I'm sorry 

if I've ruined it

please know I love you

& I didn't mean to hurt you

I really did honestly think

I had communicated

why I was not engaging as much

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

test -- it's working now so I'll post this although I'm still not sure I have any idea what's going on

I've been throwing things away

I'm FOCUSING on 

getting to

a point

I thought you want me to be

BUT 

NOW

I'm not certain I'm right 

I had a dream about you 

you were whispering 

to me

I thought I understood 

BUT 

I've been kinda messed up in my head

with getting myself 

ME

I need a little TIME focused on me

to get me to the point where

I can do the stuff I need to DO 

PLUS 

this thing only sometimes posts

BUT 

I NOW see that

I might have been wrong 

about what I thought was going on

I'm not sure where I lost the thread

I'm not sure 

WHAT

you think I've said 

I THOUGHT 

it's a beautiful 

country

I'm confused though

I LOVE you VERY much 

I have only ever wanted you to be happy 

I'm sorry if I messed that up