goodnight sweetheart

I think I should try to sleep 

the light shines through the leaves

to sometimes make a pattern

on my window 

I look at that

every morning 

BEFORE 

screens

that makes me happy 

& rolling on my left side -- I tend to end up on my right -- & there are some physiological benefits 

-- I forget exactly what 

that makes me happy 

LOTS of 

little things 

make me happy 

I'm trying to notice, EXPAND

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

apartment walk

I ALSO 

really enjoy

TEXTURE 

I walked around my apartments again 

something asked me

HOW 

do you want to 

FEEL 

someone has

wisteria 

& butterflies

there's a wind chime I wanna call it grotto -- but I'm almost certain that is wrong 

and there's a stone circle

in this little courtyard 

there was a fountain once upon a time 

NOW

there is an assortment of plants

LIKE 

I got a plant it needs more light and there's this not doing anything else wall 

last time they were all dead 

we had frost

this time

people had put out some silk flowers

garden decorations -- dragonfly, hummingbird 

there's a motley assortment of chairs 

LIKE 

there's an evening hangout 

in the grove*

*and here I'm really taking some artistic license because although it does have a grove-ish vibe actually contains only one albeit giant tree

thoughts

I saw a video 

talking about japanese practices 

to increase joy

& the first one was

LIGHT 

& I'm LIKE 

the light through the trees

picking back up a thread

I've been thinking about 

ROOMS

when I was in edinburgh I stayed in this

BED & BREAKFAST 

it was one of those when it was a trend, I think 

ANYWAY the regular bedrooms were

all UPSTAIRS 

BUT 

I was in this LIKE I wanna call it a RUMPUS room 

---- but I'm not really sure that's right 

there was a sink

& a kettle 

I HAD

BEEN gonna go

on a HAUNTED walking tour

BUT 

then I saw the room

& I wanted to stay

IN

drink tea 

watch bad 

-- mostly american television --

since the bedrooms were upstairs 

I had the downstairs 

bathroom 

to myself 

not too talk-y though

I spent today 

FEELING grateful 

thoughts

I ALSO 

thought about the BLOOD 

& your shifting 

AWARENESS 

it impressed me 

I didn't mention 

BUT 

I'm gonna try to share a story with you 

as a resonance*

*need a better word for this

when I was in the maybe third grade

I used to walk across the bar parking lot barefoot 

there was broken glass

BUT it was pretty 

BROKEN 

DOWN 

& I had faith in my calluses 

my dad would send me to buy cigarettes 

this particular time

I had bottles

to return 

for

deposit 

ONLY 

when I was putting them in or whatever 

I DROPPED them

& I guess they cut my FEET some

& I was trying to figure out 

if I was in TROUBLE 

should I 

clean it up -- what should I do 

the lady at the cash register 

came OVER and 

FREAKED out 

& it TOOK me a WHILE 

before I figured out 

that she was 

FREAKING OUT 

because I was 

possibly 

injured 

& THAT

SEEMED 

really

WEIRD 

to 

ME 

& I was LIKE oh yeah -- don't even worry about it

it's just a flesh wound 

maintaining

I decided today was another 

MAINTAIN 

day

I feel like I did a MUCH BETTER job 

BUT 

I THINK 

there's a WAY 

THIS is a 

HUMAN milestone

SHIFT

&

I was thinking how funny it is

that I go about 

LIFE

SO -- differently --

& HOW MUCH SENSE do I even make 

I've got new awareness of 

RISING AWARENESS 

of blindspots

or

something 

there's a VERY critical VOICE in my HEAD 

& PART of the mission statement 

is -- 

-- I am OPEN for ABUNDANT 

love, luck & happiness 

I am CLOSED to NEGATIVITY 

-- and NOW I think -- although it wasn't my PLAN --

I'm going to be addressing 

MY negativity 

groundhog's day

OH 

I started with 

thoughts

ABOUT 

eternal recurrence 

and which professor thought I didn't understand 

DID I understand 

I think I DID, maybe 

I'm not leaving out the possibility that I DID NOT 

BUT 

I don't really remember what I THOUGHT 

PLUS -- I've certainly 

ROMANTICIZED

the current understanding 

SO MUCH of my

PAST seems

separate 

from me now 

it's LIKE 

I couldn't even manage to live 

ONE

thoughts February 2nd

it's hard to describe 

what I did today 

I was gonna go to WORK CLUB 

and/or HAUL a chair down to the dumpster 

& have a conversation with myself 

about whether we really need 

the STUFF in the

CHAIR 

BUT 

I decided I needed to continue to MAINTAIN 

in some ways I can't quantify 

I think I'm BETTER 

BUT 

I'm engaging in a pretty intense numbing regimen 

while at the same time 

I wrote this LIKE mission statement TYPE thing 

AND now 

RANDOM synchronicity 

-- is presenting bits of it to me --

I'm trying to FOCUS 

trying to notice 

the ZONE

& bits come up that I have to 

RECONCILE 

goodnight sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

late nite thoughts February 1st

I AM having a 

STRANGE

sense of reality 

LIKE 

I don't know what the world is like

EVERYTHING I've experienced 

MIGHT be just like 

OUTDATED 

irrelevant 

& I KNOW I need to 

CONTRIBUTE 

more to the fight

& I KNOW I'm fixin to do SOMETHING 

BUT 

I don't know 

WHAT