check in april 5th

I've been in a sort of liminal space all day

I decided I would rather sleep 

there was enough weather 

to give me a headache 

SO

I decided I would do qi gong

&

it was more difficult than I thought it would be 

I mean 

I'm not saying it was difficult 

I started with a very 

SIMPLE one

something about the stance

wasn't comfortable 

I kept having to 

stop and touch my toes

stretching out my back, I guess

& the funny thing is that I have been feeling MORE RELAXED 

I have a greater range of motion 

in my neck & shoulders & upper back

than I have memory of when

I'm not sure what was my problem 

I felt stiff & uncoordinated*

*I always want to put hyphens in these

I didn't do a lot of work on the room

physically just one project

BUT 

I walked around the space 

I did some pondering 

I made some postulated beginnings for rules

about what to throw away 

& what to donate

& what to keep 

to try to sell

I made some postulated orders of operations

for going through the things still in the room 

on the FLOOR and the CHAIR

I have this rug I didn't want to put down

after the apartment flooded

that I'm thinking 

WALL

that seems like a lot of work 

I've just about worked myself around to FLOOR 

this rug

I was driving around 

& this shop was going out of business 

so the rug was at least fifty percent off 

& I still had to talk myself 

into it it was SO MUCH MORE than my

COMFORT ZONE 

I'm not sure it's 

CALM though

it's this

KINDA 

burgundy--magenta wool kilim

with I wanna say

orange spikey wheels woven in with 

some white accents

ACTUALLY 

it MIGHT be TOO big for FLOOR

I'm unreasonably tired

for someone who didn't DO that much 

check in april 4th

I have to not forget to take my l-theanine

I've been forgetting 

& then I FEEL 

the ANXIETY 

I would naturally be like

NO, let me back up

there is sometimes a problem with doing the things & forgetting the self care

BUT 

when I have forgotten 

I become AWARE of it & take the STUFF 

I was thinking about it

I have USED the 

CRUTCHES

& NOW

I'm not EVEN really snacking

I haven't moved the needle on the picking

I'm watching the qi gong videos

I'm not YET doing the

stretches

BUT 

I'm impressing myself on the STUFF front

I'm trying to do a variety of things

to get at the CORE 

a SPACE that

FEELS that that SERENE 

HOTEL vibe

BUT 

it's ALSO 

KINDA

it's a test of the can you interact with the real world well enough to set of something you want WHY have you NEVER really 

got THIS right

NOT 

I have all these THINGS 

that MUST be CONFIGURED 

RATHER 

HOW 

DO I 

WANT 

THIS 

to BE

ALSO

abraham hicks I THINK maybe

CRIBBED off

neville goddard 

& videos of decorators rearranging furniture 

short attention span

only two chapters in on shaolin

NOW

I've got peace train stuck in my HEAD 

SOUNDS like 

cat stevens did he do peace train

YES

I think it would be good for me to

SLEEP 

I'm probably going to tibetan buddhism tomorrow 

unless it's raining 

street flooding 

is a possibility 

SO

if it's raining 

& truthfully 

I want to

FINISH

the 

ROOM

BUT 

they're doing a teaching 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

check in april 4th

I've been thinking about 

all the stuff I've been 

going through 

although maybe going through sounds dramatic 

& I'm not trying to be dramatic 

BUT 

I'm not sure WHY I had to do all that

I FEEL like I DID 

BUT 

I can't really 

EXPLAIN 

WHY

I'm having SO MUCH better FOCUS 

with the improved nervous system 

& I really feel like 

I'm making progress 

I dreamed about 

a BIG ship

not super close

to the street full of shops and restaurants 

it was dry docked and I kept looking over at it

trying to figure out what it was there for

what it meant

& there kept being 

BLACK SMOKE 

was it coming from the ship

& how should I interpret 

the smoke

there was MORE 

conversations

maybe shopping 

maybe meals

BUT 

I can't remember 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 

check in april 3rd

HEY

were you with me last night/this morning 

I thought I felt you

& I felt held

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day