poem: is a poem a goodnight kiss? 4:30

this is the last poem of april
and
the challenge
was
one poem a day for april

not every poem
was
a good poem
and
i think that that's natural
as it should be

will i do one poem a day
for all the month of may
i don't think
i don't think i will
for
i love poems
i love to write poems
but
not necessarily poem-y poems

it's a hard question
because
is it better to write a poem every day
to get the three good ones in a month
or
to trust
that you will write the three good poems
without the impetus
write a damn poem
damn you

and yet
to sit up thinking
to try to write a poem
that isn't wanting to poem
well
i think you see my point

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

Okay here's what happened to me

I got up at 5:00

I did all the morning getting ready stuff

I started calling them at 5 minutes to 5:00 I mean 5 minutes to 7:00

and it took me almost 30 minutes but I did actually get through

I was very excited because the phone rang and then I was even more excited when something picked it up

But it was an automated service that picked it up and it said press one if you need to apply for unemployment

Press two if you need to change any piece of your information including your pin

press three if you have questions or problems and need to talk to a person

So I press three

And it said we're overwhelmed we don't have time to talk to you right now

If you applied You are fine

Everything's retroactive including the $600

If you have any questions use the website or the automated phone line

I already had looked around the website and there isn't any answer for my question there

I haven't used the automated line yet but unless it can specifically look at my account and tell me the answer to my question I don't think it's going to help me because I don't have a general question I have very specific question

So that I need some toast

And drank some more coffee

And then I started feeling really bad

I mean first I looked around on the internet and whatever so I've been up since 5:00 and it was like 10:30 when I started feeling really really bad

I had I still have I think a migraine

But it might just be a really horrible sinus headache with a cluster headache on top of it

I feel like something blew in

I don't think I have Corona I haven't left the house in a really long time and although I have interacted with things that people have touched I feel like it's pretty unlikely

But I do think I have a migraine and I'm nauseated and my guts are I don't know not good

But my hormones could be jacked up

And have not been putting on the cream

I can't really explain to you why I haven't been doing that

But I was feeling good

And I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get more of the cream

But I did get more of the cream

So I don't really have a good excuse

but that's my best guess for what's going on with me but I just feel like I might die

Now I did do that whole switching from my natural bodies circadian rhythms back to normal peoples circadian rhythms and it might be that on top of the hormones it's just responding really badly to that

But I got like 9 hours of sleep last night

And that's on top of the two and a half hours of sleep I got the night before that

So so that average is out to a pretty decent amount of sleep

But I came and lay down in the semi dark cuz you can't get it completely dark in here during the day

And I hadn't really intended to go back to sleep I had just intended to lay in the dark

But I did go back to sleep

So it was 11:11 when I got into bed and it was sick something when I got out of bed so I've had basically another 7 hours of sleep and I still feel really bad

I dreamed that I had a bunch of dreams and I recorded them without actually waking up

I just discovered him when I looked at the this thing

But there were also like video recordings that went along with them although they weren't of me they were like of the dreams or something

It was really cool

and then I had the southern dream but I'm not sure if it was a dream or if it was a movie of one of the dreams that I had when I was asleep in the dream

I was in prison

But it wasn't quite like regular prison

It was more like quarantine

But it was me and I think two other people

And one of the people he was trying to get a stereo

So he ordered some stuff and it came kind of damaged and they were trying to tape it back together and what not but he really wanted a stereo

And I don't remember what I wanted

I don't remember what I wanted in that part maybe I didn't care about that kind of stuff but then

When I was when I went out to get supplies I bought a turkey

And then I put it in the freezer because our refrigerator that we had was like one of those kinds you would get for a dorm room and it didn't really keep things cold

And the freezer I'm not sure if it kept things frozen but it did keep things at least refrigerator temperature

And I don't know how we were going to cook the turkey it just seemed like a very ill advised purchase

50 was more but I don't remember I just remember the struggle of the stereo and the struggle of the turkey

But I think I bought the turkey because it was going to be Thanksgiving or I don't know some holiday it was going to be some holiday in just needed a turkey

Anyway I'm laying back down now I still do not feel well at all

But unfortunately no I'm not making productive use of my time or doing anything fun I just have been feeling sick

I hope you're doing better than me

actually that's pretty weak sauce I hope you're doing really well

But I don't know that I'm going to be hopping up and doing anything productive anytime soon we're fun for that matter I was going to make nachos

But just the idea of food is kind of disgusting

poem: tired 4:29

i fell asleep
sitting in the chair

and i feel like
that's almost a trope

but
ya know
i don't think i've done that
since i stopped working

nite chat: 4:29

well
it was busy all day
one time i got very excited
because it rang
it went to an automated message
you had three options
i don't remember what 1 and 2 were
but 3 was talk to a person
and as soon as i hit 3
it went back to a busy signal

so plan b
is to get up earlier
and start calling them before 7
so i'm going to bed soon
i got almost no sleep
so i don't think it'll be a problem

i love you sweetheart

quotidienne: coffee + toast

12 grain bread with grass fed butter
coffee with soy milk
that feels more authentic
maybe it's better
maybe it's not
we'll see
but
i could feel myself getting all caught up
in the need to research and stuff
to the exclusion of
actually doing anything

man
i feel exactly like
if i really didn't get any sleep
it is not a good feeling

i am dreading this whole calling process
maybe it will be easy and i will get right through
then i dread the conversation
and the information
but
first i am dreading the calling
because i do not expect it to be easy and go right through

i love you

Grackles: 4:29

have you ever woken up from yourself?  well that's what happened to me on day forty of quarantine.  i got up at regular time--  before times regular--  after having reverted to a schedule which was natural to my own body clock.  my cat was the happiest i think i've ever seen him.  he is a morning person and has not adjusted well to the changes, namely that i go to bed at the time i normally woke up.  i fed him and showered.  brushed my teeth and went back to the bedroom to put on some clothes.  i was pulling on my yellow skirt--  which i have literally had since 1995 and never wear--  it's a pale yellow cotton knit long modified pencil skirt which i am choosing because 1) it's cotton and fairly cool for my early texas summer no air-conditioning challenge  2) i'm trying to wear light colors to maximize my laundry situation  3) it's a "cheerful" color and i thought i could use that today.  the cat and i had a routine in the before times where he would jump up on the bed and i would pat his rump.  it's just like it sounds.  i pat his rump he makes biscuits into his polar fleece blanket, which i had to return to it's customary location because it had fallen off.  i do this while he traverses the blanket and moves in ways that usually make it difficult for me to reach him.  not today, today he is taking it easy on me in the reaching department but he is really giving the blanket a good work over.  then he flops down on his side and i pet him in the ways that he likes.  until such time as he becomes over-stimulated and has to bite.  he hasn't had this routine for possibly the entire forty days and he has clearly missed it.  he manfully restrains himself from biting for maybe the longest time ever and then he doesn't really try to bite me.  he gives fair warning, which for a cat is the best you can really hope for.  it's just like the before times.  it's nothing like the before times.

i put on a heathered gray modal t-shirt that i don't like the way it looks on me but it is very very comfortable, and also it is light colored (laundry).  i don't plan to look at myself.  who else will see me.  i haven't put on makeup.  well, that's maybe not true.  i have put on a tinted sun-screen when i went out for walks once or twice.  if that counts as makeup then there's that.  even my skin care routine has whittled down to almost nothing in the last couple of weeks.  cleaning:  witch hazel on a cotton pad.  maybe centella serum, maybe not.  chaparral desert skin oil.  i had a multi step korean inspired skincare routine.  when i realized i was going into lock-down i ordered a few extras of things i didn't want to run out of.  i haven't used them.  the desert skin oil isn't even something i was using before.  it's something i bought because 1) i needed something light to wear with the non-air-conditioned situation 2) i wanted to support the small business maker 3) i needed retail therapy 4) i needed a justification to spend the money so i made up #1--  i know i have light oils i could have used.

so here i am.  i got up early today because i need to call the unemployment and find out what's going on with my not getting money.  truthfully it's kind of a misrepresentation to make it seem like i woke up from a night's sleep.  i went to be at 4:15am and i got up at 6:30am.  that's more like a nap, really.  i feel like i haven't been doing this right.  i had good intentions, i really did.  i was going to figure out some income streams.  i was going to sell all my old stuff on poshmark or ebay.  i was going to look for work from home opportunities.  first i was going to take two weeks--  vacation, if you like--  shelter in place and then take stock of the situation.  i guess after the two weeks the situation seemed apocalyptic enough that i just decided to zone out.  now, don't misunderstand me, i do not mean i spent the time high.  i do not have drugs of any kind.  except alcohol.  i have had a few margaritas.  not anything excessive.  three or four times in a forty day period is much higher than my normal drinking levels, but is definitely not excessive.  unless you think it is.  in which case, i mean, whatever, i don't know what to tell you. 

i'm awake now and i have stuff to do.

ok
i gotta go to bed
gotta get up early
and do crappy life stuff

i'm still gonna write you things
and i'm still gonna write in the formats
i've been doing
i just need to get a lot more done

maybe i don't have to stop having fun
i have a very harsh internal voice
well
one harsh voice, anyway

sorry you had to hear that


goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

poem: [bad voice in my head is not respectful] 4:28

i think
i'm not sure
that i should maybe not
have the spirit guide stuff mixed in
with the grackle stuff
maybe i should
maybe
maybe i'm having a bad day
and i'm rethinking everything from a bad day angle
and maybe
maybe i'm not the right person
or not up to the task
idk
i seem to have
overnight
almost talked myself out of my ability to write any of it
maybe i need a monday strategy

when i was 17
i thought i was going to be an activist
i didn't
i mean i really didn't
and that's ok
but
now i feel very silly with my spirit guide story
when the country's on fire

idk
i'm gonna have to spend some amount of time
on the phone tomorrow
and
if there's no money coming
i'm gonna have to get serious
about doing something to earn money
not just sit around and play

but
maybe
what i should do as well
is set aside [in fact you know to do this
you stupid cow] time specifically
to write
and then just write what writes

not
letters to the beloved
not poems for poetry month
write the fuckin book
if you got a book
and if you don't
then just shut up

nite chat: 4:28

ok
monday is officially my least favorite day
it just keeps fucking me over
my unemployment looked like it had a statement
i got very excited
but it said the amount paid was 0
and sure enough 0 was the amount extra in my bank account
so
i need to call and check what's going on
i think they decided not to pay me until the severance weeks
have run out
which seems legit, except
i was really hoping to get the g'v'm'nt money
and it doesn't look like i'm getting that
at least until the severance weeks is up
so then i need to know
is that what's going on
or did i do something wrong paperwork wise
and is it counting by number of weeks
or dollar amount
and
if dollar amount
is it including the $600
or just the $252

so it looks like i might not get the $600
maybe at all
and if they're opening back up
i assume they will change the number of jobs
i have to try to get in a week from 0
to some other number

i don't want to have to get some dangerous job
for no pay
but
i'm not sure how this is all going to play out


anyway
very stressed

when i signed up on facebook
pretty much right away there was this woman
who wanted to be my friend
i didn't know her
but she was a painter
and she seemed cool
i think she was in the same circle as my mom
or maybe she subsequently is, idk

but since then
she has gotten divorced
and become a real estate agent
and i was attempting to read my feed
which i don't really enjoy
and rarely do anymore
but
she was one of the first people on my feed
and she was posting a statistic
bar graph
about human trafficking
and she said
i am so proud of my president for his work
in catching human traffickers

and i thought to myself
is there any way this could be true
i've not been tracking that at all
could he have actually done something good
and i momentarily felt bad about myself
maybe i've been unfair

so
i was just trying to find the graphic
and the first thing that came up was this

now i didn't read the entire article
because it kept popping up subscribe to finish
paywall ads, however
i used to read foreign policy
not regularly, but sometimes
and i did not ever think it was
anything other than a reputable news source

i just looked it up
and they never endorced a candidate until 2016
so, i mean, they aren't looking for his good stuff, sure
but i don't believe they are fake news
sometimes i read things
and i think, well yeah, ok but is that really news
or is that really an editorial that's posing as hard news
and i know pretty much nothing from the right slanted news
can be trusted anymore
but
sometimes
even the sources i think are "my kind" of news
sometimes the questions they ask
are not the best questions
because what they want is the thing that will sell
and the orange one calls it fake
if it doesn't paint him pretty

but sometimes it isn't fake
it just isn't quite real either, if you know what i mean
news and infotainment are all mixed up
and it's all content

then
it gets even more crappy
because they "reporters" often just present
two things as though they equate
or
report craziness without actually calling it craziness
so
any news, for me, is possibly not real
although that's not the same as fake
do you follow me

but
i feel like
if foreign policy says his record is fake news
that i don't need to read the whole article
they may end up saying
yes he arrested this many more people
but this is how that somehow undermines
everything
and that did sort of seem to be the direction they were going
but i think of foreign policy in a similar vein as the economist

did i tell you
that way back
i may not have told you this
when i was first out of high school
before i started college
i know i told you i worked at the bookstop
which you may or may not even know what that is
but
i ran the news stand
i ordered and received and managed which magazines we carried
and all of that
i really liked it
and the returns were stripped cover returns mostly
so i could take the magazine home to read
so
i read foreign policy and mother jones and fifth estate
and off our backs and the nation and a bunch of other stuff

although fifth estate and off our backs and on our backs
and woman of power and shaman's drum i generally bought

off our backs was a feminist broadsheet newpaper
on our backs was a feminist erotica/porn-esque magazine
also deneuve (later curve) was one i read regularly
i used to read a lot of magazines
i love magazine
but i rarely read them anymore
i now read twitter and instagram

i would also take home paris review
sometimes
that was pricey and people bought it
so it wasn't usually left over
but
i never read much of it
maybe one thing per issue
i thought i should read it
and i wanted to want to read it
but
i guess i liked the news and politics better

fifth estate was an anarchist newspaper
that is where i first read about ronnie selling drugs
to get money for the contras
in like 84 or 85
and everybody i told was like
you are crazy
but it turned out to be true didn't it
oh, also earth first

so that is the stuff i was reading
when i was 17-18 before i started college
in fall of 1985

that was not what i intended to talk about

i am pretty sure i never told you that

i wonder how that jibes with
who you think i am

poem: verse chorus chorus 4:27

what is it like
to dance with a dragon
and had you really never
thought that way about each other

i woke up with a mash-up running through my head
wild horse 42
so
idk
maybe it was about numbers
but
right field to third base
came up at least as much as any number
i guess it was mostly wild horse
but 42 was almost entirely 42
and
if i really look closely
that chorus just glombed on to the other
so verse chorus chorus verse chorus chorus

why
i have no idea

nite chat: 4:27

i hope you had a good day
i slept real late
i spent a bunch of time researching
well
that's not exactly right
watching book reviews
interviews, readings
4321
then
i watched true grit
[cohen bros]
and ate homemade fried rice
which was almost entirely wrong
and not just because it was made
with brown rice
but managed to be good anyway
i pulled out the majority of my
chin antennae
my chin hurts, a lot
and
somewhere in there i listened to the briefing

i wrote a little
but i'm not sure i like it
and
i got this strange idea
that frida and quetz'l are having an affair
i started writing the scene where they all meet
and there are no parties in the street
but then
it seemed like it was just them
like everybody else got the memo
no new assignments during the lock down
too much parental attention
enclosed spaces and whatnot
and then
one thing led to another
and then i'm wondering
if they are spirit guides
but not working with the same person
i shouldn't keep calling them kids
they're only kids for a while

would they be able to have contact
other than their quarterly meetings
maybe
maybe they could have contact whenever
but then why do they have meetings

to get together
so
surely they can't have direct contact
but maybe they can text
or write
or
read each other's minds
idk
and i'm not sure whether that makes it more interesting or not
i mean
maybe that's a different story
maybe it's stupid
or maybe it's a better story

idk
i'm going to think about it


last night i dreamed
i was working
and daniel i used to work with
was cleaning the kitchen floor
which we didn't have, a kitchen
he had a broom
and some kind of wax solution
and he was making side to side movements
and i was like ok
i'm gonna go clean the bathrooms

then also
i went to the movies
and they had tables and chairs
like it was a school or something
big tables
not little desks

i have a headache
and i want to try to get to bed earlier

i love you sweetheart
i'm gonna go write that poem

more nite chat: 4/27

so the reason
that that guy is clyde
is not because i don't think the whole ghost dance thing is cool
it's because it turns out to be
heavily influenced by christianity
and
it didn't work

so
he came up with this movement
that spread all across the native peoples
everybody had a slightly different take on it
and that's, in a way, amazing

but
you see where compared to these other guys
he's kinda clean cut and such

although
maybe it would be better
not to assign clyde to an actual person
and maybe it'd be better to leave ghost dance guy off the roster
i'm not sure that i can write him
and
it might be offensive
the way i might end up writing him

poem: lazy dolly won't you get up 4:26

why will she not
why will she not go
why will she not go to sleep

she's tired
she's tired all the time
she's gonna be tired in the morning

when i was a kid
when i was a kid i used to
when i was a kid i used to get insomnia

but that's not
but that's not what's
but that's not what's happening now

if i went to bed
i'd fall asleep
i'm sure
no question

i just
i just can't
i just can't make myself
i just can't make myself go to bed

night chat: 4:26

listening to this

i am very tired, strangely
how are you holding up

i thought i had all these things to say
and i was listening to the book
and they don't have any trouble adding stuff in
but i am getting a picture of where she lived in san francisco

i'm a little worried about my cat
normally he wants to eat at 8:30
9:30, 10:30 and then he might go hours
but
he ate at 8:30
and at 10:30 he had no interest
now he's still sleeping
i'm really surprised he's not menacing me
or passive-aggressively chewing on things
that clearly aren't food
like, see how hungry i am
i have to chew on this pen that fell on the floor
or fake cactus
or your makeup on the counter in the bathroom
while i'm peeing
because i'm just not moving fast enough

when he isn't hungry
i'm worried he's sick

if they stop the briefings
i'm going to miss them
not that they were sensical
but
just the place they occupied in the craziness

my eyes itch so bad
i might have to get something
i'm pretty sure i have eye lubricant
i did for fall allergies
it's like slightly viscus
not like visine
it doesn't get the red out but it is very soothing

anyway
i can't remember all the things i was gonna say
because i can't stop seeing the artist studio building
and dorothea lange down the block
and what chinatown in the early thirties must have been like
when she went there to have them make her folklorico dresses
i'm calling them that
that isn't the technical term
it might be better if i read this in print
i remember terminology better if i see it
i think the jewelry was zapoteca but i think the dresses
have a different name
anyway
there was a asian woman who was famous
among the mexican women in mexico
and to honor her
women tried to emulate her silks with what they had
and then she kinda did her own spin on that
by going to chinatown
and having them make her style of dresses
from the chinese silks
she really kinda developed her style
when she was in america
to connect her to her homeland
plus she was young
and kind of inventing herself as an artist

she's so perfect
and quetz'l
i guess i need to know more about him
but that's tricky
plus
i guess it's ok to make him up
but
do they get along, i wonder
seems like they would

i would not have thought of her
because she's so over used
too much of a pop cultural item
that gets misappropriated
and i mean, so is joan, but i feel like
the trans reference is pretty obvious and yet
i haven't seen it
don't tell me if it has
because i won't be able to then
but it's such an odd foiling
it funny
i was just thinking about it
but joan might end up being my only white person
that might be bad
i might seem to be appropriating
i just haven't though about any

and
of course
now that i say that
i think gee, i'd really like to have foucault in on this
he'd probably be one of the ones who would never have a kid
and would help out with older people
not so much from fomo
as just not so much wanting to have to deal with kids, maybe
i don't know him personally
and maybe that's too much

so
just went down a multi hour foucault rabbit hole
i know i've read madness
i think i've read disciple and punish
but i'm not positive
i may have just read excerpts
and had class discussions
idk
i could get either of those or vol 1 of sexuality
on audiobook
but
what i really want is like an overview of his main concepts
there are some readers or introductions
but they are more like break downs of his books
or the historical context in which he wrote
which is great if you're studying him
really great actually
since he was all about that shit
but
what i really wanted was like power/knowledge/freedom
and i did finally find that
and only published about five or six years ago
but
it's $40 and it'll take over a week to get here
or i can "rent" an ebook
which is weird
so
idk we'll see

anyway i took forever to get back here
and i was gonna go to bed early *sigh*

so
anyway
i hope you're doing well
and i hope you enjoy some days off to do fun things
i love you very much sweetheart
i'm gonna go write the poem

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:26

frida kahlo
seems like, on the one hand
why didn't i think of that right off
i wish she was my spirit guide and she is definitely
like a major influence
but, on the other hand
jesus that's not a small thing to do right
but
i can't not do it now
and it's her fucking demand that they do DoD as a meeting
and they can barely get her to go to the meeting
why don't you just fucking haunt it they say
that's not what Dia is about, she says
it's not pinche halloween

yeah
we are totally doing this

now the question
or at least my question is this
should all the spirit guides be people you've heard of
i mean that might be funnier
but it doesn't seem realistic
but
maybe you don't want it to be trying too hard to be realistic
it's a question
another question is who do we get for the
american indians, cause we gotta have some of those
we need kinda off beat ones
the guy responsible for the ghost dance seems a likely candidate
but maybe not, i'm not sure i know anything about him
ok
i feel like jack wilson might be clyde

gotta eat something
more later 

Okay I dreamed there were several parts and they all got kind of mixed together in my mind I mean I think they were separate in the dream but I'm not sure where the lines are

I was in this apartment and it was a pretty cool apartment and it kind of looked off over the roof

And I think there were two women who came in to the next two apartment that maybe we had promised to take with us because they were from out of town and they wanted sightseeing or something

And then there were these two women who came into town who were my friends since college

Which isn't a real life thing it was just in the dream

And I was telling them they should go ahead and go start and they could take those women with them if they wanted but I was going to have to go to work

and they were complaining and I'm like look how long have you known me I always have to go to work and they're like aren't you off didn't you take off for our visit

And I'm and I'm like yes I did but I'm going to have to go in for just like a couple hours I don't have to go in and make the schedule or anything but I have to go in and do some checklists and

so if you want I can go out with you and we can like have dinner or a couple of drinks and then I can go to work and then we can hook back up after or I can just go to work and we can hook up after but I do have to do the work part

And they were complaining and apparently they did not want to take the strangers from next door which I don't blame them

So then they kind of drag me outside and flagged down a taxi which was going to make my going anyplace else difficult because we weren't in my car

And I don't remember anything else from that dream I think there was more but I don't remember it

What I remember was going to the makeup department of some store and I think it was like a big fancy store I don't think it was just like a mall store

And we were at this makeup counter and it's pretty big but I don't think it was any brand that I've actually seen in real life

And I put on the CC cream

And it looked great it made my face look literally perfect but it didn't look like I had any makeup on

But then all the other testers in the section were all just destroyed so I couldn't try any of that on

And the colors I was trying on it was like it's all very cool-toned browns

And then I put on the slip stick and it was Matt and it was purple

And I was asking the other people if it looked good cuz it wasn't sure if this looked really great or if it looked weird

and then I looked at my teeth and they looked I don't know pink or something it was really weird and I was like I don't think this is the right shade for me

So then I put everything back

And I realized that nothing was on sale which is really weird for you know makeup counter usually they have some kind of sale or some kind of special or something

They did have a bunch of displays but nothing was on sale

and there may have been more but that's all I remember

not asleep yet

pizza

I like Chicago pizza

but I can't eat very much of it

when I was growing up

I had something that was called

Chicago pizza

but it wasn't

it was "deep dish" pizza

which Chicago pizza is

but

Chicago pizza is a pizza pie

and

this wasn't

it just had very thick crust

but

otherwise regular toppings

I really liked it

but

based on pictures

I think it may be more like Detroit pizza

anyway

I think generally

what I like the most now

is a slightly thick hand tossed pizza

with pesto topping

with cheese and mushrooms

at a minimum

but

ideally also garlic and onions and olives and sun-dried tomatoes and jalapenos

it's been a long time since I've ordered a tomato sauce pizza

and I actively dislike super thin crush

I think the Chicago pizza I got was cheese

but spinach sounds great

spinach quiche sounds good right now

but I'm weird about spinach

I can eat it raw, no problem

and in things

no problem

but

just a big pile of sauted spinach

is kinda yucky to me

saag paneer yum

and that's a big pile of spinach

idk

something about saute spinach is gross

maybe it's got to do with the oil and garlic

but

normally I like those things

also

stewed okra yuck

fried okra yuck

okra in gumbo yum yum yum

and

I don't like pimentos

don't know why

I can eat them now

just don't like them

but

at one time a tiny piece of pimento ruined

an entire plate of food

like the princess and the pea

is there pimento in this 🤬😭🥵🤢

poem: dear god 4:25

god
here's a question
is the planet trying to shake us off like fleas
is it coming up with new viruses
because
it needs just a lot fewer people

i mean
who could blame it
we have been a real burden
fewer of us would be a better situation, i can see that

and i get
how survival of the fittest
is generally like a strength, health thing, i get that
but i don't think that is the right criteria here
what the earth needs fewer of
isn't weak people
isn't like non-caveman types
what the world needs fewer of is problem people
and you know who those people are
and they aren't correlated with the traditional model

so
what i say is
how about we keep the nice people
the readers, the glasses wearing nerds, ok
those people were never the problem and they aren't gonna be
what the world needs less of are rape-ers
and ass-holes
and selfish people who put their convenience ahead of
other people's safety
and people who think they are more important

now
i'm not telling you who those people are
that's not my place
and i'm not saying i'm perfect
or even not selfish
i'm sometimes selfish
but
i hope i'm not part of the problem
so, please
help the earth out by
this time
not like with aids
where it seems like we lost a lot of really
valuable people that we really couldn't afford to lose
this time
how about you help the earth out
and take some of the people who are the problem

let's hang on to the good ones
there are plenty of not so good ones
plenty

please

random and impartial may be fair
but
it's not best, ok
let's try for the best, ok

nite chat: 4:25

ok
first let me say
the music got a little somber
but
the criteria was good not a specific topic
so i hope that didn't freak you out

second i think one of the spirit guides
has got to be joan of arc and then there's got to be
another woman
although
maybe i'm over reaching here
but i really want to have this whole conversation
about female masculinity and trans
and the lines and gray areas
that probably shouldn't go in this story, huh
idk
i don't want it to be all male
but
it is having a kinda bruh vibe
i thought that might kick it up
but i don't want to ratio my characters

but
i don't think that spirit guides are necessarily
all gonna be halos, ya know
and i'm trying to pick my group
and what i've learned from all these
pick your table things that people have been doing
during quarantine on social media
is
for example
pick your passover table
there's one that has gal gadot and natalie portman
and i'm like i greatly respect them
and they are so so attractive
and then i see natasha lyonne at another table
i don't know who the other people are
and i'm like
no
that one
because she is funny
and crazy
and also an actress i admire
since but i'm a cheerleader
so
i'm not picking the popular kids
not for my spirit guides either
they gotta be kinda whack
not sure who clyde is gonna be
but pretty sure clyde was a beatnik name for a square
so he's the bottom of the pecking order for the group


i'm not sure what my last meal would be
i have a lot of things that send me over the edge
maybe
stuffed baked chicken
with mashed potatoes and gravy and
oh god, what vegetable
when i was in des moins
at the farmers market
i had my favorite vegetable experience
they had fresh grilled asparagus
like buttered and salted and grilled
now i liked asparagus even when i was a kid
and very very occasionally had canned asparagus
and i've had it cooked a bunch of slightly different ways
over the years
but
seriously
that asparagus was so good
i literally thought
i could go right now
i'm never going to taste anything better than that
i think it was maybe picked that day
and i think
with food
that makes the difference
but it was fucking well cooked too

i've also had that experience with sashimi
escolar specifically
i've had escolar that was so fresh tasting
with such a beautiful texture
that it had the satisfaction level
of eating steak

but
aged smoked english cheddar
and
recently
i've been remembering
my mom and i used to go to
one of the artists who was in her gallery
she didn't have a lot of money
but she wanted to do a big spread
and she would save up her bacon grease
and she would fry liver and onions
and make biscuits
this was like when i was 11
and although i've had liver and onions
[i mean not for probably 15 years]
i don't think i ever had better than hers

but
i mean
if i'm dying anyway
maybe a new york strip with a baked potato
and a munch of sauted mushrooms
maybe some peas

or
what i seem to be craving
mexican food
although maybe it would have to be some mixture
of new mexico and tex-mex
new mexico mexican food is actually better
but i was raised on tex-mex so it has comfort food qualities

did i ever tell you
i went to a tex-mex restaurant in cedar rapids
i was dubious
but the pictures in the menu looked right
and i ordered like the classic tex=mex
cheese enchiladas with that chili gravy and the chopped raw onions
i mean that stuff is like home on a plate
i was so excited
and then i tasted it
and
no spice had ever walked past it at all
it was just sad-wrong

and
tonight
if i was having my last meal tonight
it would be fried chicken
macaroni and cheese
collard greens
and
banana pudding
[which i'm not usually that big a fan of
but sometimes i want]

oh
and tomato and cucumber salad
with the fried chicken and macaroni cheese and collard greens
but maybe peach cobbler too
but
not ice cream
that's too much with cobbler
i could do a lemon sorbet

i'm weird
i love chocolate
i do
but not chocolate cake
it's too much
i don't enjoy it, too rich
if i get a birthday cake
not chocolate
not chocolate icing
buttercream icing

i love ice cream
but not a la mode, too much
not with cake or brownie or cookie or any of that shit
i don't even like sundaes
and
although i like chocolate ice cream ok
i like coffee better

i like carrot cake
do you know that shit has more calories than chocolate cake
no joke, very unfair
there's a restaurant my mom and i like to go to
we haven't been in a while
january
they started putting the calories on the fuckin menu
what kinda shit is that
ok
fine
i'll have a baby kale salad
and grilled asparagus
which is like almost no calories, right
so i thought
well maybe i can get the healthy carrot cake
no
it's fucking 1200 calories
almost twice as much as the chocolate cake
wtf
it's full of carrots

when i was a kid and we went to the cafeteria
i always wanted custard
i would still rather have custard than
cake or pie
i love custard
and flan
i mean
if i let them talk me into churros or sopapillas or tres leches cake
and realistically i usually wouldn't get desert with mexican food
because it's too heavy
no room
maybe if i ate no chips
but i'd rather have the chips
unless they don't have green sauce
but
if they only have red salsa, say
and i have room for desert
or if i get like shrimp stuffed jalapenos
and they only give you two
so i have room for desert
if i let them talk me into any of those other things
i will be sad
because that is how much i love flan
i like all those other things, a lot
but not as much as i like flan

dairy products win
i use soy milk now in coffee
and i like that actively better
i prefer the myokos vegan cultured butter
but sour cream, cheese, custard
i have not been able to harden my heard to these things


ok
my head hurts so bad
idk when this started
the weather must be changing or something

it's awful
i'm gonna write the poem and go to bed
i love you sweetheart

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:25

i woke up late
but
i don't know if i should be proud of this
before i made toast, which i'm about to go do
i just spent a bunch of time researching the mulberry question
because i watched the beginning first too

i'm gonna go make toast, i'll be back

ok i'm back

apparently you clasp hands, however many of you there are
and do a ring dance around the tree
they aren't bushes
it was originally bramble bush
but that was hard to say
and it was switched to mulberry
possibly also related to the silk trade
silk worms go with mulberry trees

the rhyme may have been used originally
as an exercize song for a women's prison
which had a mulberry tree in the yard
although that seems inconsistent with the bramble bush story
my suspicion is that the bramble bush song was first
the prison warden heard it and used it as an exercize song
and was the first one to write about it, creating the first written record of it
there are a bunch of verses
about this is the way we wash the socks
or whatever
and they have break out groups demonstrate that
apparently also in the children's game

so
you dance around until you are done with the verses
which ends with something about a frosty morning
which is apparently some commentary
on the silk trade being bad that year (sheesh)
and then you go back to prison
or school
whatever

it's like the hokey pokey or go you chicken fat

poem: rococo 4:24

as i back it up
make it less and less about me
it starts to feel more comfortable

and the dragonfly
flies by in my head

and
up up and away in my beautiful balloon


day of the dead is a no brainer for fall--  mexico  november 2
TBD  australia
koningsdag in amsterdam--  april 27
TBD  chicago

there are lots of cultures
and lots of cool stuff
so
this is just where this cohort meets up

i'm pretty excited about this itenerary

i need to figure out the guides
or maybe i don't
maybe it'll be like watching that old steve allen show
i'll reverse engineer it
what do i want the attitudes to be
although
gotta warn ya
all probably pretty salty

this is probably less like a poem
than any of the un-poem-y poems so far

i'm sorry
i tried to clear my mind
it didn't work
it's just this this this

now it might be too much
but that's not usually my problem
my problem is usually
i write it
and it's clean and short
like a poem
or maybe a short story
and
when i start trying to write it longer
it needs more crap
and then i can deal with it
or structure it
or work it out
it gets boring for me
and frustrating

what i need is something fun
fun fun fun
and
maybe it won't work
maybe i can't make myself do it
but
i think i can, i think i can, i think i can

nite chat: 4:24

it's funny
because today i kept thinking
about the scene with the spirit guides
having em kinda bicker back and forth

come on
somebody step up to the plate
she needs a native

why, she's not native
are you sure about that
yeah, i'm sure, i saw her fucking family tree

yeah, but did you see the grandfather
he sure looks native
maybe his daddy isn't really his daddy

look, i'm not interested in some little white kid wants to feel special, understand
we got real kids on the rez need ancestors, dig

right right, but what about all that new age indigo stuff
don't you think that's worth an investment

maybe, but we don't need anybody good for that
hell, send her clyde, he's not busy

i mean, you might not think she's native
but she does, and she's pretty invested in it
i think we should take this seriously

ok, why the hell not, i'm not afraid of a little white girl
she's not related to any of those conquistadores, right
cause i fucking hate them
no, well ok then
i got the cute little girl
i mean, what have i got against white, i'm supposed to come back white, afterall

well, dude, i mean you can be a little much, ya know waht i mean

seriously dude, you were just whinin for somebody to step up
and now i step up in all my feathered glory
and yer saying now it's too much
it is you are are too fuckin much

no no, now calm down
i just mean don't be showing yourself to her
not until she gets older
we really need this one to be like, sane

you are not my boss, for one
you are no fun, for two
and you know good and well
that i'm there doing damage control
for the crappy situation this kid has, for three
so blow it out your ass, but i'll take it under advisement

but i was having a hard time picturing where it was
i mean, not some big cloud-y place
that's supposed to be heaven--  just no
so where then

and then it came to me
when you're riding on the el
is it el or L
anyway there are these apartments
and they have these stair/deck kinda things
that are right across from the el or L
i want to say they are in bucktown
or near there anyway
and i always thought that would be the place to live
sit on the porch and watch the trains

although
that might be loud and distracting
but i just couldn't shake it
that seemed like the coolest thing to me
and then
suddenly
that seemed like the perfect place for my spirit guides
to be having this argument
kickin back
having some beers
watching to see if anybody on the trains noticed them

i know it doesn't make sense
but
it doesn't not make sense either
i mean it's a conference, right
so summer and maybe spring--  chicago
winter and fall--  idk, not america though, i think

whatever
anyway
i'm liking this idea
like interwoven through
and by this idea
i'm not 100% sure if i mean my story
or the spirit guides
or both
i could see it going that way now
there's like my story-ish
and the current bizzaro story
and now i'm seeing the spirit guides almost like a chorus
but not a chorus
they meet at their what semi-annual, quarterly, what, meetings
if it's quarterly then not everybody goes to every one
maybe ya gotta make one or two a year
check in
unless you don't have a person
then ya gotta go to all of em--  ha
there're a few of them
they just got the fomo bad
and they don't want any of these rando lame-o kids
because they don't want to miss out on the perfect kid
so they have to go to meetings
and
something else
they have to add a piece of clothing
or take off a piece of clothing
or something equally silly and embarasing
so everybody makes fun of them

and they're all talking about the bat-shit crazy stuff
that's going on in the world
and sometimes they trade off
or join in as the kids get older

i am really selling myself on this

thank you baby
i'm gonna go do some stuff and then i'll be back
for the poem

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:24

hope you're doing well
i'm going to go drive my car around a little
it occurs to me that it might stop running
well that occurred to me from the beginning
but it's been some amount of time
i'm not sure exactly
since i drove it last
and
i'm not really sure how much
driving you need to do to charge the battery
probably two blocks up to the store
is not enough

so
whatever
i'm gonna do that
it's 90 degrees
which is hot, but not terrible for this time of year
i really don't want to go out though
but
for the first time since whenever i went out last
i am wearing all requisite articles of clothing
bra
panties
shirt
pants
i will be wearing shoes
but right now i'm wearing flip flops
i went to the mail box

i have been seeing other people on social media
write about their experience with this whole thing
and apparently
the sense of scattered, non-focused, unproductive malaise
is pretty common
i wonder why

i mean for really social people
i get it
but i'm not
although
in my dream last night
i started a new job
and i wasn't super happy with it
it was a big department store i think
and they had a wine dept

you are never going to work in the wine dept
they said
that is not included in the scope of your job
that's run by a different division of the company
and you don't work for them

anyway
if i don't talk to you before
i'll see you tonight
love you sweets

poem: they don't teach evolution 4:23

perhaps i should be
my brother's keeper
but my brother is cain
he's coming right at me
i think he's insane

the emperor has no clothes
he's fat and he's orange
i just want to look away
hope for the future
pretend it's okay

but he won't stop spinning
the spin of the drain
and then re-spin the spun
with the craziest non-sense
since hist'ry begun

so get the bleach cain
go get the bleach
no no more for you
(i savor that speech)
just save your own life
(don't worry 'bout mine)
here have a spoon
let your little light shine

xxx

i hated to do it
to "help" him that way
maybe i'm just as bad
yeah that's what you'll say
and in final reckoning say i'm the liar
but sometimes life be like that
and the bed was on fire

more nite chat: 4:23

ok
idk what to do with the information
that the orange man thinks injecting bleach
might just do the trick
also
hit em with some light
i really picturing him slicing someone open
pulling their lungs apart
and then burning their lungs
with super strong lights

what am i supposed to do with that
what

and the shill
i thought she was gonna apoplect
[i made it up
and that's my nick name for her
might not be fair, whatever]
or vomit


i needed the music to be rougher
just for my sanity
so i hope it didn't freak you out


wait
i got an idea for the poem
i'll be back


ok
pretty happy with that generally
i hope you're doing ok
i'm gonna try to go to bed now-ish
sleep well sweetheart
i love you very much

nite chat: 4:23

oh dear god
i was not trying to play the spice girls
i was trying to play this

but i musta done something wrong

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:23

well he did respond to me
he went back to the father (whose birthday is unknown)
of the guy born in 1738
and
there doesn't seem to be an indian, he says
yeah, i say, i feel like a replicant with implanted memories
and he replies

Though now I’m jonesing for a story of two Machiavellian too-clever-by-half eldritch masterminds engaging in byzantine intrigues against each other, preferably while engaging in casual and playful conversations heavy with innuendo and double meaning, and lots of symbolism.

so then i'm like wtf
but i was busy
so then i look at it
and i'm thinking he's talking about
rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead
which i guess is an answer
but
initially it seemed like a non sequitur

because i didn't feel like that accurately represented
the depth of my feeling about it
but
maybe i feel more meta about R&G
that he does

poem: dyslexia runs in my family, i got numbers and maps 4:22

sometimes it's good to laugh
well, really
it's always good to laugh
but sometimes you want to be serious
and sometimes you just do feel serious
whether you specifically want to or not
and then
sometimes
you feel actively sad or depressed or generally low
but really
at any of these time
some comic relief can be a good thing

and, i mean
you are a good-looking man
no doubt about it
but
i find that often people who i think look good
get less and less attractive as i get to know them better
because when it comes right down to it
i might think you're physically attractive
but
it's not your body i'm most interested in
what makes you
so so hot
is that you
are smart-funny
now i admit, i do seem to have a real soft spot
for those unexpected wicked
i rue to call them puns

but
the way you turn things around
your comic bent
combined with your cultural commentary
and whatever else--  that shit you naturally do
that's all gold to me
it warms me, see

and i'm not telling you this
to pressure you to do anything
i'm telling you
because i feel like i've put a lot of emphasis
on how i think you're hot
and you make me feel a certain kinda way
and blah blah blah
but

i feel like i haven't really told you
at least not recently
that that quirky world view
that reminded me of the inside of my own head
that's what got me
that was the hook
and
it probably wouldn't matter what you looked like
suddenly that would be hot to me
understand

is this a poem
idk
maybe not
i mean, for sure it's not sonnetts from the portuguese
sonnet 43

but
i mean
it kinda is

nite chat: 4:22

ok
so
talking
i'm not feeling much like talking
i'm totally derailed on this replicant thing
i have totally decided
that his mother had an affair
that his father was killed when he was a baby
and that he never knew his name
i do not believe that a fifteen year old boy doesn't know his father's name
the father that he lived with up to that point
now
he might have made up the indian thing
and not been prepared to make up an indian name
and so said he didn't know the name
that is possible
but
i just don't believe this story
i like my version better
gran gran knew his mother
and his brothers and sisters
one of his brothers killed himself
gran gran really loved him
and she was good friend, at least when they were young-ish
i think at least through the war with his two year older brother

and my paw paw was about 6'2" i think
he was tall
but not like freakishly tall
but they always said he was the runt of the litter
because they were more like 6'6"

my brother didn't even respond back to me
i got him the information he wanted
at great emotional expense to myself
and he didn't respond back
and
it's probably not fair
but i'm mad at him for ruining my
idk exactly

and it was weird
when i told him i didn't know
he was like but your mother is all over the ancestry site
and i'm like i don't think so
she's never exhibited any interest in ancestry
and he's like her name is all over it
and then he spelled her name wrong
and i'm like i think that's a different person

but i texted her
and she's like no i've never been on there
i had a cousin who sent me a bunch of pictures
to identify because they were from my father's generation
but i've not been on there
so idk why
but his like
your mom's all over there
it did not sit right with me

like probably he just meant
i figured you'd know ancestry because your mom's into it
but the way deborah used to be all like my mom was
butting in where she didn't belong came out
like he was saying she had been in dad's family tree stuff
which she wasn't
and wouldn't have been
she would have only been mentioned in her dad and mom's
although, i mean, technically
she was dad's second wife
and my mom
so
it would not be out of line for her to be the fucking family tree
i'm very unsettled
i didn't need this shit

i was gonna try to go to bed early
but
i think it's way too late to make that happen

i love you sweetheart
i guess i better go write that poem

RESOURCES/REFERENCE thoughts

cattle drives

texas-montana cattle drives

trail map

san marco 1912 street map

normal star newpaper page
normal star newspaper page
search page normal star

ok well that turns out to be a college newspaper for normal college in san marcos
have not yet found the "real" newspaper in san marcos in 1912
although unlikely to have actual information
just town background now i guess

it's unlikely that she's running around with baby uncle charlie in tow

but maud's 17 she could totally be watching the other four kids, right

also, he always tied the shoeless joe story in with shoeless joe being an indian, but the only kind of indian i can find any record of shoeless joe being is this
although i'm not sure whether he would have known about that
or indeed whether they were not called naps at that time
also he played previously for the savannah indians
which he may or may not have had any way to know

so maybe it's one of those kids not quite understanding things in a funny way
maybe we've got a ransome of red chief situation
[my god she likes those o. henry stories doesn't she
there was pretty scant reason for that reference]
or maybe he had been teased by kids for looking like an indian and he was owning it or maybe it was something else

he would have been starting school at what 5 or 6 so it was most likely have been 1918 or 1919
hmmmm     can't find anything about spanish flu in san marcos specifically

his alleged father died when he was a middle teen-ager
i find it hard to believe that he didn't know his father's name
if that was his father
and i never never got the sense that he was lying to me
about any of that
now the specific indian tribe i always thought was a little iffy
like either he wasn't sure
or he had picked something he liked
but
as it wasn't something he would have heard of
like in movies or t.v.
i thought there was a good chance that he was kinda sure
because if he were completely making it up
wouldn't it be cherokee or sioux or apache
i mean blackfeet are not the obvious choice

I'm depressed

or something and I have a headache

I decided not to get up

so

I've been in bed all day

I had a bunch of dreams I don't remember

but

this one just popped back into my head

I laid my head on your lap

and I wasn't really trying to be sexy or anything

but it just felt really good

and then you made some move

like physically

that made me think you were a little uncomfortable

so I lifted up

and your pants were open

you immediately

took a cloth or something

and started wiping yourself down

like you were afraid I got lipstick on you

but I couldn't even feel any kinda way about that

because I was looking at you

and what I mostly saw seemed to be balls

but it had this really beautiful

ripply ridge-y texture

that I want to call crinelation, but that probably isn't right

but I was kinda spellbound

and then

like from a distance

you were calling my name

and it was so intense

but then almost immediately

there was this guy

screaming say my name

and surely then he must have said it

but I don't remember that

just this guy

screaming for your attention

over and over

poem: more important things 4:21

i feel hollowed out
i don't know
if
when i sleep everything will
fill back up

i don't know

and i found this hard to write
i still haven't gotten
any money from unemployment
state or federal
and now
they're fixin to open it back up
which
is crazy

there are things more important
they say
than living
like being a wage slave i guess

i have faith
that this is all gonna be ok
somehow

cause that's the word on spirit street
and they haven't steered me wrong yet
but
i can't say i'm not worried
or that i want to go back out

i mean
i can't focus
and i'm not being what i'd call productive
but i do feel like i'm moving forward
into the light, as it were
and i want to see where this soul development goes

i know this isn't a good poem
there are more important things than good poems
there's life, there really is
and i want to grow in the light of the newness

but
i would like to get some checks
before they decide i don't get any more checks
and
i'd like to figure it all out
learn to be happy
and make money
all without going into the plague-sphere

that's not too much to ask, is it

nite chat: 4:21

i've been floating around trying to get out of my
i hesitate to call it a funk
but that was the first word that came to mind
i can't make clear enough the mind fucking quality of this

and
i'm trying to get information
and the youtube doesn't seem to have it
i was just watching someone
say they were channeling quetz'l
and i 't believe it
i'm not sure how much i believe channeling, generally
i believe in it
i just don't think i've ever really seen it done

quetz'l is not one of those heart cutting out group btw
quetz'l was a creator not a destroyer
although i'm not sure i really understand
who he's supposed to be
i think, for me, he's more inspirational
i don't think that the talker is quetz'l

so
if i just tried to channel
or prophesy
what would happen
let me see

i see a mushroom in my head
now i see stark winter-y branched tree limbs
no leaves kinda spooky looking
and then it morphed into a dandelion puff
that will screw them out of four million dollars
someone says
not specifically about the tree morphing thing
i'm getting the subway sandwich logo
but that doesn't really mean anything to me

i fell asleep in the chair

idk
i feel like i need to sleep

let me go write this poem

Okay several things

I feel like a replicant

like I haven't planted memories and they aren't really mine and maybe I'm not a real person

Also I looked back at that dream and waxahachie You know how almost every city you could think of the name of or town there's like one in every state well apparently not waxahachie apparently waxahachie is in Texas

It's close to Dallas

And this is the really weird thing I mean you know it's just a coincidence but are there really coincidences

You know how I said I did not know my great-grandmother's maiden name well it's the same as the county that waxahatchie's in

That's weird right

But it's not a swamp

I think there is a river

So there's a time to run through the waxahachie in a bathrobe carrying a steak

Still doesn't make

And it's still kind of fun to say

And and she was 39 years old when he was born and he does in fairness look like an Indian so I mean maybe his father wasn't really his father I don't know we could make all kind of stories

it is sort of an American tradition that whatever race you look like you are is what you're supposed to be whether that's right or wrong which of course it's ridiculous

And doesn't really help me in the long run because of course I'm so pale I'm almost invisible

But people of Mexican heritage came up to my aunt Joan for years speaking to her in Spanish thinking she was Mexican

And when I was growing up my father was super super dark and I was super super pale and so as soon as I became aware that there were different races I thought maybe he was a different race from me

So all of that is just not of any real consequence but whatever I'm saying in any way

The upshot is that I feel like if we're not now bound to truth

There isn't really any reason not to flesh out this story

I mean I could just kind of wholesale make stuff up if I want

And make a very exciting backstory cuz it's not like I'm telling anybody anyway it's just for me

But then also I wonder

Like maybe I don't know how it works with spirit guides I mean do they get asigned do they pick you idk

Maybe all the native American spirits were like I don't know we don't want anything to do with her she's a pale face and they're like yeah but she thinks she's an Indian come on somebody step up and quetz'l was like I'll take her

She not related to any of those conquistadors

And we had some kind of prophecy

That are Jesus person was supposed to be pale

So I got no beef with her

Maybe that's how I ended up with him

I mean obviously I don't know

but I was thinking this was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me finding this stuff out but maybe it's not

I mean if I think that finding out your DNA doesn't tell you anything about yourself because you know who you are well if I worked that backwards then I would be telling myself that I am who I am I'm this replicant who has these fake memories but they're not fake to me they're real to me so the fact that they're not true doesn't mean they're not foundational to my personality

So whatever you know

recalculating: 4:21

ok
so the one defining fact at the core ofmy personality
isn't reality

i pondered that

and
i say
so what

follow me here
like it or not, i'm an american
and one of the things that has defined americans
arguably more than anyone else in the world
is their penchant for re-invention

if he were alive today
he'd be 107
and he didn't give me a lie
he gave me a story

and
it was an incredible gift
and it's not even sensible
to ask whether it's the greatest gift anyone ever gave me
because in a very real sense
it is me

so
thank you paw paw

for giving me a better back story

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:21

ok
i'm super super super unhappy now
so
you know how i've never taken a dna test
because what is it gonna tell me that i want to hear
right
well
my brother send me this facebook chat
hey
take a look at this family tree [name removed] is making me do
does this look right?

well
there's all kinds of shit i don't know on there
including my great grandfather's name (allegedly)
which is [name removed]
and i'm all like
i don't believe this name

quintin was a name that deborah batted around
for both of you and dad never liked it
if it had been a family name
you'd think that would have been mentioned

also
the family story was always
that he was killed and thrown in a ditch
for being an indian
and when i would ask what his name was
paw paw always said he didn't know

he was wanting me to tell him
his father's name
so
mostly trying to disprove this shit
i go looking around
and
i find that it's not wrong
and they have his father
and on and on
and they are not indians
any of them
lilly white
but
oh joy of joys
my great great grand father was a civil war veteran
uh huh, that

i mean i knew i wasn't enough indian to count
but i'm not
not at all and i'm crushed
crushed

i am from a whole pack of liars
and
i'm so mad
i could spit

Okay I just woke up

And I had a pretty remarkable dream experience that I didn't really realize at first that it was such a remarkable dream experience I had to kind of put two and two together

I was reading off of a page

The guy I was talking to he couldn't read it

And I was thinking he couldn't read it because it was very small print

But after I woke up cuz I had leg cramps and I had to get up and stand on them and say ow ow ow ow ow bunch of times

But like one of them was just the name of a book

Which I can't remember was the book about a cat

And one was something equally short and unimpressive

One was a quote

but I don't think it's a real quote I think it was something I made up in the dream and I can't remember exactly what it said but it was something like there's a time to hurry and there was a time to rush and there's a time to go really really fast and then there's a time to run through the swamp only gave the name of the swamp and it was like waxahachie

And then it was something else weird like in your bathrobe carrying a steak or something like that

I thought that was pretty cool in the dream however I think it was something not that I made up it was definitely not something I made up in the dream it was a saying

But I thought it was really funny

And right now

I just closed my eyes and I got an image of a woman holding her shoes in her hands and walking out into what's probably a stage

And saying dinosaurs is Spencer's

poem: oh just go eat a bomb pop 4:20

i looked out the window
i'm not sure what i saw

today
i saw a video of a care-giver hugging and old man
and my first thought was
no, unsafe behavior
my first thought

the millenials, or hell
maybe some of them were zoomers
think biden can't win without them
and maybe they're right
or
maybe he can't win with em
i'm not sure

do you really think
they're willing to let he-who-shall-not-be-named
burn it to the fucking ground
because all their demands weren't met

i mean
i feel em, i do
i been feeling like that most of my life
and sometimes i vote third party
i really want us to have a vibrant multi-party system
i feel their
the difference between corporate democrat and republican
is not enough of a difference
i do
but jesus on a fucking popsicle stick

and maybe
maybe the "good guy" is a rape-er
i read some stuff, might not be true
but it sure sounded like a credible story
i'd like to say it should be checked out
but
i'm not
because, ya know what
the bad guy is a rape-er too
so, whatever, it cancels out, and that makes me sick to my stomach

how did it go from looking like it was gonna be a woman
like almost for sure
to being the old white dude who thinks
marijuana is a dangerous gateway
that he can work with republicans
and that he's just a hugger of women and he should keep on with that, really
maybe not, maybe he understands
that he's not supposed to say that
but not how it's not being a "sensitive" feminist brother
it's about respect, or not

and the bad man said
un-ironically, i think, and if it wasn't
does that make it better
or worse
i cannot tell a lie

i'd like to make that true
pump him full of truth serum
find out what he thinks is true--  how ironic is he really

nite chat: 4:20

this has been another scattered mind day for me
i've been locked on social media
but
even that has been hard to absorb
it's funny
because monday has seemed to be a very
like "monday" sort of day
since i haven't been going to work
but for the last couple of years at work
monday was a day that i didn't have a lot of time
but i had a pretty good list of things that i had to accomplish
so i had to really be on my game
so
it's not like i'm used to monday being
this kind of ho hum whatever
still hung over from the weekend
kind of slacker day
not at all

i had to wear a bra
for like the third time this month
i haven't worn makeup at all
but my skin is still almost cleared up
 it's quite disheartening
i mean, it's not that it looks so bad
it's just that i want it to be clear
and healed and not a pain in the ass
that's all
i just want my skin
not this bullshit hormonal skin
but
it's really not that bad
i shouldn't complain
but
i probably will
i should do a mask

i feel like something's coming
i could be wrong
i've had several things that seemed like they were coming
that just shriveled on the vine

but
my brain keeps whispering
grackles grackles grackles
at me
so maybe it's ready to go back to that
or maybe it has a new idea related to that
idk
just don't try to push me
because that makes me not want to do it
i don't know why
but
i've always had that problem

i just has a little piece of skin kinda hangin on
by my cuticle, it seemed quite loose
so i was just gonna pull it off
and it pulled a long line of skin off the front of my middle finger
it's quite painful, and i'm not quite sure how
i could have so misread the situation
ouch
i really thought i was competent for that level maneuver

also
i think the only band-aids are the natural-y
bio-degradable ones that won't stay on
and are completely useless
but i'm gonna go see, right now
be right back

yeah
that's not going to stay on
there's just something really weak about the adhesive
but whatever
i'll try to be gentle with it
it's mostly so i don't scratch it or pick at it
also so the salve will stay on
and nothing get's in it
but i'm not so worried about getting something in it


it was weird to see a car with people in it
when i was on the stoop yesterday evening
it pulled down the street
crossed at the light
stopped
and some girls got out
like they were looking for a party
going to a party
idk
it was like something i recognized
but don't even see much around here
under normal circumstances
which these aren't

there was a protest
i think it was yesterday
i saw it on social media
and it said:  do better texas
and i'm all like where is that
i don't recognize that place
it was at the capital building
you'd think i'd recognize that
but i'm not sure i've ever looked at footage
of my state capital
i mean, surely i have
but maybe i haven't

i mean texas has thousands of miles
filled with almost nobody, there's no way
no possible way that there aren't gonna be a few
stupid people protesting
i mean
the funeral pyre guy is an office holder


i feel unsettled


i'm just gonna try to write the poem now

i have no idea what i thought i was posting
but
i never saw that at all
so
it was a surprise to me
weird
note to self
don't look at your phone until you're awake
i guarantee you i'm not taking that note though

poem: iii 4:19

maybe
maybe i filled my brain too full
and now i don't know
which direction to go
that feels
like a different reason to be confused

and i say
here's to new reasons
we've milked all the old reasons already
let's revel in the new
and who would 'a thunk it anyway

don't you hate it
when people are vague
yeah i'm talking about me, but i think we knew that

but
i must 'a done something right, huh
and it turns out
9th of march i put tipping point in my library

nite chat: 4:19 [part 2]

so
if the poem doesn't make sense
don't worry
it's for me
i needed to write one
and that's what came out

i love you very much
sweet dreams sweetheart
i love you very much

nite chat: 4:19 [part 1]

so
i feel like i should make something clear
although i would not consider myself
like a strict utilitarian or anything
the reason i say that i probably have a moral imperative
to kill the horse to save the people
is a largely utilitarian argument
and
i do still remember utilitarianism

i re-read those articles
and they were much less interesting than i remember them being
i remember being blown away by philosophy
in that
i was pretty much uniformly told
that my problem was that i think too much
and here were people telling me
no, you don't think enough

i read the google car one
and that was like an ethics walk by
it really only reminded you that an ethics algorithm
was like a thing

i'm saying that i wouldn't kick the horse to death
but, if you showed me a bunch of pictures
or let me talk to the political prisoners
i might kill the horse
in a way that was not pain or fear inducing to it
i'm not sure
i feel confident
there are some animals i might kill given that circumstance

i am
in other words
not taking a straight-forward animal rights stance
i have a confusing
and, i'm just going to say up front
not consistent philosophy about animal rights

i'm not a philosopher
and i don't demand of myself that i maintain a perfectly consistent
philosophy about, well, much at all

i generally have allowed my psychology to fuck that up
i think that people do a lot of what they do
based on unconscious or emotional or instinctual
"lizard brain"  "monkey brain" reasons
and then use the "big brain" to write the justification

which is kind of why i said
use whichever reason you like
on the horse thing
i'm not doing it
and i can make whatever case i want
but
to some extent that will be dependent on
factors other than anything i might say
i realize that that's a little oblique
and
i'm not saying it's not important to make cogent arguments
i just don't 100% believe that anyone
knows all the motivations for their actions

and this is an understanding i have come to
at least in part
since i have left university
although i will say that emotion and motivation
was one of my favorite classes
and i never took abnormal psych
which is crazy
that's the one everyone want s to take
i took (let's see if i can remember)
intro to psych
human sexuality
social psych
research methods in psych
psych of personality
cognitive psych
child development
emotion and motivation
the individual in society (psych/poli sci knowledge integration)
i'm pretty sure i took something
called something like
i can't remember what it was called
something like normal psychology
like healthy person psychology
with like the hierarchy of needs
and self actualization and that stuff
but
since i can't remember the name of it
it's possible that i'm conflating
personality and motivation
but
i was pretty sure i had 30 hours
not sure
it was a while ago

this is what i did for college

actual example

another, related example


a modern updated piece (for regular people not philosophers)

the clydesdale dilemma: 4:19

ok
i found another one

i feel like
there is a moral imperative
it would be my ethical duty to kill the clydesdale
in order to save all the political prisoners
i should do that
but
i would not

i love horses
and especially those large workhorse type horses
like when i was in kentucky
i went to some horse thing
i can't remember what it was called
and i had like a moment
with a percheron
whose name
strangely
turned out to be dan
i'm not making this shit up

i had like a connection with this horse
not in some kind of creepy way
but it was intense

i look at a pretty lythe horse
and i think
i might hurt it
but i look at a clydesdale or a percheron
and i think
we could go somewhere you and me
let's get out of here

political prisoners should be freed
but to set up a situation where someone is freed
by the death of another
is not a legitimate way to go about things
and
i could not make myself kill a horse
by kicking it to death
even if
i could accomplish it in the time frame
which is 20 minutes
so
use whichever justification you prefer

i'm not doing it
i'll just go to hell
for not saving the people
because i can't see them
and
the horse
is right here looking at me

i shall be released 4:19

it occurs to me
that perhaps i'm not understanding the question properly
is it that you will experience
the experience
of the particular relief
or just the type of relief without the experience
there may be a distinction that i'm missing

when i work hard
for long periods
and my body hurts
lying in bed
very infrequently helps
i very rarely wake up in the morning
feeling refreshed and good
which is why it has been so nice and unusual
so
i don't even really understand that experience
i don't know what you're talking about on that one
so
i have to discount it out of hand
that's a no go from the start

now
one of the lovely things
which the menopause seems to have brought me
is a closer relationship with my bladder
i understand that pregnancy does this too
in slightly different ways
but
for a little while there
i was having trouble holding it

and
i get on the computer
and i think
yeah yeah just a little while longer
and then, suddenly, there was just not any more time
and i would clench
and try to get up
and
before i could get to the bathroom
it would be leaking out of me

i found this
some combination of disgraceful and horrifying
so i started doing some things to try to improve it
and i don't
knock on wood
seem to be having the leakage issue anymore
but
the suddenly
still happens
so
i know the agony
and of course
i've had long road trips
there was one where i was stuck on a bridge
in louisianna
i think near lake charles
where i had had to go for a while
and then suddenly traffic was stopped
and it was another hour and a half
and i started
seriously
trying to figure out how i would pee
into something
how could that work
and when i finally pulled in to a gas station
super hyper ultra clenched
that pee
that pee was semi-orgasmic
plus with the relief of not having the humiliation
of having to try to clean piss out of a rental vehicle
so
if we are strictly speaking feelings of relief
sensations of relief
minus the actual thing we are doing for the relief
then
i'd have to pick the peeing one

however
if the question is as i understood it
which experience would we rather have
i can go two days without eating
it's not the best
but
in high school
several times
i didn't eat for like five days
and then i'd eat a candy bar
like
to get high
before i had drugs
the experience of eating delicious food
is one of the reasons for living
even if i'm not particularly hungry
that's one of the reasons i'm fat, see
the sensory experience of eating
so
it's not that great as a "form of relief"
it would be second
since the bed one doesn't make sense
but
if we are ranking the experience of eating
after a prolonged period of not eating
heightening the sensory experience
of the already very high up in the list experience
vs. the  experience of peeing
after a prolonged period of not being able to
the experience is only relief
there is no euphoric element
so
for me
it is an inferior experience

if food is like
just fuel
no erotic element
no euphoria
then
i can well imagine the release element
would change the equation
i can remember
when i was a kid
researching information about sex
reading that an orgasm
feels a lot like
peeing
when you have been holding it a long time
and
i thought
wow, that seems lame
and
indeed
my orgasms are not much like that
or, at least, they haven't been in the past

who can say
what they will be like now
that weak little one was
now that i'm thinking of it
kinda like that

ok
now i'm just depressing myself
an orgasm
is meant to be a psychedelic earthquake
a near out of body experience
maybe not for a guy
maybe that would be painful
but
for me
if i remember correctly
is like an alien download
with this kaleidescopic clicking pattern in my brain
and then all the body stuff
which is a completely different kind of
like exploding tension
not centralized in the genitals
and not flowing in the way of even an intense pee

and
i'm not gonna get that back, am i
i've probably lost that forever

self-immolation 4:19

is something i have thought about
it is a very important form of protest
in the asian world
however
my experience with western reaction to it
is somewhere along the lines of
well they are just crazy
and therefore
i don't need to know anything else about it
so
it doesn't serve the same function
in the western world
and
i mean
it has to fucking hurt
i mean
maybe it's over fast
but it doesn't look that fast
and like three minutes
if it's that fast
can be a very long time, very long

i would not now
even consider this form of protest
given the society that i'm living in
and
of the many ways i've considered killing myself
i always try to rule out excruciating pain

i imagine blowing your brains out
would hurt
and
if you don't do it right
it would be horrible in a variety of ways
but
it seems like, at least, it wouldn't be that hard
not to fuck it up
not like say
shooting yourself in the chest
that could go wrong easily

opening a vein
that might be easy to fuck up
but it's not supposed to be a painful way to die
lie in a tub of warm water and just bleed out
seems like less mess
comparatively
than the blowing your brains out option
plus you don't need a firearm

and you see where i'm going
i've spent a lot of time thinking about killing myself

and
when i decided to go after you
my answer to myself of the craziness of it
was that i could always kill myself if it went badly
i didn't care
i was ready to go
but
the damnedest thing
i got attached to life
and now the idea of dying
doesn't sound that good

and when you said the counting backwards thing
i almost said no before i heard any more
like
from the jump
i don't think i can do it
numbers are hard to focus on

frequently i try to keep track of how long i'm doing something
by counting forwards
and frequently i get lost in the counting
and go from say 49 to 60 or 80 or i don't even know what
because my mind wanders
so
if it was 300 and my life depended on it
maybe i could do it
but
if it was 3000
because, for example, i can't now remember which it was
maybe i could do it
but
if it's a choice to seriously risk my life
for $25,000
then i say fuck you, no

that's a good chunk of change
it'd be nice to have

but i'm not at the point yet where it's my survival either way
and there might be other options at that time

my life is worth more than $25,000 to me

and
if i'm going to do a do this or die deal
i want to be shot
not burned alive