first i want to thank you
for that girl getting better
i don't know if that had anything
to do with our conversation or not
but thank you anyway
i just
right now
i feel a personal need
to re-iterate the part about
what we need less of
in reference to the whole
valet thing
it's right there
so very close
is there no way
you could just help it over there
i know he's got lots people taking care of him
but
maybe?!
maybe both of em?!
they super deserve it
please don't think badly for me for saying so
but they are bad people, both of 'em
really really bad
and i'm not sure that the one after that
is like actually a good person
on any kind of absolute scale
but
i mean
it'd be an improvenment
i know
they told me everything's going to be ok
but, i mean, what does that mean
this doesn't seem like ok to me
maybe they meant i'm going to be ok
and i'm not even sure
how that can be true
but
i'm not trying to be difficult
maybe i'm gonna be fine
i'll figure something out before the money runs out
which seemed a lot more plausible before
it seemed like it might never be safe to go out again
and maybe i won't get sick
or maybe i won't die
or
maybe i will die
and then i won't have any more problems
i don't really know what ya'll mean by
it'll be ok
maybe you just mean
that i will have this time
that i've wanted and needed
and
in which i could accomplish something
before i die
i don't know
but
even if that's the case
even if i'm going to die
could the bad man please die first
could i know about it before i go, please
maybe that makes me a bad person
or maybe it just means
i'm angry
at the total lack of care
i mean h.e.b. started their prep in november
to ensure they would have supply chain
and they haven't done too bad, really
i mean they didn't anticipate the toilet paper
and they've had some snags
but
they planned
and that guy with the nursing home in conneticut
he planned
from when they first heard about washington state
and i think he didn't anybody
because he locked down right away
and told his staff
he'd pay 'em double
but they had to live there and not go back and forth
and
that's another thing
i don't want to be a service worker any more
i see now how absolutely pointless
all that work i though was so important was
i was giving people their first cup of coffee in the morning
or helping them pick out beer or wine
but when it came down to it
i just doesn't seem like
it was worth
the chunk of my life that it consumed
please please
lead me to the more worthwhile thing
to spend the rest of my life doing
i need your help
because
i really don't want to
but i have trouble visualizing
how else to make money
i'll see bits and pieces
but
i have trouble believing in it
and i'm having trouble with a unified theory
i want to do what you want for me to do
but i never got the impression
you had any agenda for my working
i felt like you led me to the coffee place
but this last one
i was like
is this the place to be
will this help me get closer to him
and you were like yeah this is good
but
i never expected to be there so long
and
with all this family tree stuff
i realized i was wrong about joan's death age
she was my current age
and
that's freaking me out a little too
i feel like
i'm all over the place here
so
bullet points
- justice
- guidance
- thank you for whatever you can do
- thank you for the many ways this is a gift
- thank you for the many ways this is a lesson
- i really hope i come through the other side-- i don't say back because it isn't a back kind of lesson, is it, it's a through it kind of lesson
