more nite chat: 5:31

it is a really good video
i really like jack kornfield
and
he has to know that i would like it
we've never had much interaction
but
when he was growing up
i gave him books
and
one of the books i gave him
when he was a young teen
was howl
perhaps he was too young for it
he said it freaked him out
which was maybe the gay content
which was not
why i gave it to him
but
he likely knows i like the beats
and kornfield
he fits in to all of that

i just wish he had included
a few more words
like
i just thought you would like this
or
saw this and thought of you
or
what the world needs now
or
you need to watch this for your own good
or
something

as it is
i'm deciding to take it neutral
like maybe there will be a follow up
that clarifies

when he found me
he said
something like
i just wanted you to know
you still have a family

which you could take different ways

i assume he means he still cares about me
because that is the nice way to take it

what family actually means to me
is
people who want things from you
but rarely give back anything good in return
who expect you to love them
but don't treat you very nicely at all

so
idk
i tried to keep up some kind of dialog
but
it got hard
it's got nothing to do with forgiveness
i just don't have that much to say to him
and he's not got much to say to me either

he's got an mfa
he made it pretty clear
he doesn't agree with my thoughts on art
it's hard to talk to him
we haven't lived together since he was five
i was not really involved in his life
i saw him infrequently
he stopped even letting me know he was in town for holidays
when he was in college
i think i've seen him once in twenty years

now
this was not a plan
and i don't really feel like it was a one sided thing
but
i am willing to take responsibility for that
if that's what he thinks is true
he doesn't know me
not at all
and i don't know him
i mean, maybe a little
but essentially
i only know him a little better than he knows me

if he now wants something from me
other than what we have had
maybe
he should just tell me what he has in mind
or
what would be better
start with building something
he sent me the weird family tree thing
and then he sent the riddle
and i guessed
and he didn't say if i got it right
he just said some weird anagram
is that even the right word
the thing where you take a phrase that says something
and say it can be rearranged to not actually say something else
i've never liked or understood the point
i mean
if it actually said something, maybe
but it always seems to be sort of

anyway
it weirded me out
and i didn't know how to respond
and
i'm fine with riddles
but fucking tell me if i got it
and then
nothing else
and i was upset about my whole history being destroyed
so maybe he thinks
i need to forgive about that
but
you saw how fast i did that
i did that whole forgiveness thing
in my twenties
i don't need to hold on to that shit
nobody cares
it just hurts me more
and i don't need to hurt

maybe he just wants something

maybe i'm not fulfilling my roll

or maybe he thought it was somehow connected
to what's happening now

maybe it's a riddle

he posted it as a comment
on his page
before he posed it on my page
it was a comment to this

'that are themselves inspired'
anagrams to
'Heathier devilment trespass.'