I nite chat: 5:13

ok
on second watching i was able to hold the note the whole time
now, i realize, that was not one of the longer ones
but i have been unable to do it
and i'm pretty surprised that this worked
here's what i did

i did not take a big breath
which i usually do
and then i feel all this pressure in my lungs
and i'm focusing on
how much breath do i have left
i took a quick sharp deep breath
like i was singing
instead of being water boarded

and then
i didn't focus on my breath
i focused on the note
the sound
like i was in fourth grade choir
instead of rehabbing from injury
and it just kept coming


i'm sorry she got to me so bad
i was already worried generally
and her
focus being on how if i got sick
it was going to ruin her financially
rather than any worry about me
i realize intellectually
this could be a coping strategy
like she can't bear to think about that
so she's projecting it onto something less frightening
but i don't believe that for a minute

i've never seen anything from her
that made me think
that she put me first in any way
ever

and it makes me remember this
i wish it didn't
but i'll tell you

when my gran gran died
who raised me
who i loved more than anyone in the world
my mother said

yes, you're upset now
but just imagine how much more upset
you are going to be when i die

which
i felt like
even if it were true
which i didn't, and i don't
was a really shitty thing to say
she died a week before my fifteenth birthday