II nite chat: 5:26

yes
i'm wrong
it doesn't start with shabbos
it starts with berachos
i guess it doesn't really matter
because i'm trying to find
who to listen to
and i guess that doesn't have to be
determined by which day

it's at shabbos 82 now
so i was thinking i was 80 behind
and now it's more

i have to decide
if i can catch up
or just start at the beginning
and work through

the weird thing is
i don't really care what the rules are
i'm not going to follow the rules
what i want
is the back and forth
the disagreement

and i'm not sure if i will get that
from these study groups
a little, maybe

but what i am continually struck by
is
there are so so many rules
and
all anyone seems to be concerned with
is how to wiggle through the rules
the more orthodox
the more wiggly
because you're not setting aside any rules

and
don't get me wrong
there is a part of me
that loves this
that identifies with this from the core of my being
from childhood to today age
when they would tell me
you must order the minimum quantities
do not delete
or
a variety of other things
i'd just be like
why are you making this a challenge
i assure you
i can figure out the way around this
and i would want to
since that had made it that way
but
there's another part of me
that thinks
why have all the rules
if it just engenders the need to work out ways around them
surely that is the wrong spirit

unless
maybe
it's a plan to make
people who can think
better at it

because catholics don't work out
clever ways around the rules
they break them
and beg forgiveness

and
other christians
it varies

but
are there any other groups
with this kind of process
i don't know of any

and
it almost makes me want to follow the rules
just so i can be clever enough to break them
it's very seductive
to me
this
process

also
i'm listening to
an introduction to the talmud
just to get context
and background
and
some of it i'm familiar with
and some of it i'm not
so far
but i'm not very far into it

i'm thinking about buying this
but that's just the first volume
and
i want to see how serious i am first
but
it seems to be laid out in a way that makes sense
and highlights the back and forth
from what i can see
from the look inside

so
idk
i feel like
i could be potentially
jumping into this
and
i'm not sure
how much sense that makes

i mean
what am i thinking