and more: 5:17

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

well, i'm not sure how to answer this question within the rules.  i for years have asked the tarot cards, pendulum, whatever was available:  will we ever live together as a couple.  and i have never really gotten an answer.  i used to think this was like the question.  recently i feel like that's not really the question.  but i haven't replaced it with any new question because i've just let go of any need to set parameters.  but if you put a crystal ball in front of me i legitimately don't know what i would ask it.  maybe today i might ask something about the election or the pandemic, but i feel radically uncertain about knowing the future.  so i don't know.

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

homesteading.  i haven't done it because 1) i'm not sure i would really like it maybe it's just fun to fantasize about but wouldn't be fun irl.  2) i'm totally unprepared to do any of it and am afraid i wouldn't be able to.  3) it takes money.  i guess, now that i'm thinking of it very specifically it is just the very opposite of what my life has been like and i have been too uncertain about every aspect to just jump at it without some kind of personal confidence that it's the right thing before just jumping without a net.  and that's actually a very helpful realiztion.

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

why are these so hard?  i've done stuff.  a lot of it was important.  but it also wasn't important.  none of it feels like "the accomplishment of my life".  that's pretty heavy.  i mean this is the place where if i had a kid i would just turn and point to them, right.  but i don't have a kid and i don't have a book.  i have me.  i've required a lot of work, but it feels wrong to say this person right here, me, i am the accomplishment of my life.  i would say our relationship, but i'm sure that's against the rules.  i'd like to say the accomplishment of my life hasn't happened yet.  but maybe that all just sounds like bullshit.  idk. 

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

i'm sure i'm supposed to say loyalty--  at least i feel like that's what i should say--  and i do appreciate somebody having my back--  i feel like that is necessary for me to call something friendship.  but i don't think that is the most valuable quality.  although since i think it's a necessary component you could argue the point with me.  but what feels the most valuable to me--  what i am gonna say--  is sort of like inspiration.  the ability to both make me feel the good feels about myself and also make me more.  more of what i already am that's good.  mentally stimulating.  fortitudinally shored up.

17. What is your most treasured memory?

this is making me feel very weird.  i just don't do that.  i have good memories.  i don't rank them.  my most treasured memory is the one that's inspiring me at this moment when i need it.  sometimes they feel a little more precious if i had forgotten it and something brought it back to me.  but seriously, anything i could say here would not continue to be true.  i can give you one that will continue to be on the short list.  joshua tree at night throbbing with the milky way.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

again with the ranking.  i just started to write about be out of control upset and punching my grandmother in the stomach while she was grabbing me--  that's one's on the short list i guess because i see it play back still pretty frequently and feel bad about it.  another one was when we accidentally backed up over the kitten's head--  i still see that intrusively.  these are not the worst things that happened to me.  they are terrible memories that i see frequently which makes them more terrible, but they probably aren't what they mean.  i'm not interested in dredging up all the bad memories i can think of to try to decide which is most terrible.  ask me anything, i'll tell you my worst memory related to that.