nite chat: 5:11

i keep going back and forth
about what to talk about
i spent a long time on the phone with my mom
after i saw you

she's off her new cardiologist
before the lock down
she went in and he told her she should do a juice fast
for two weeks
but that she would need to come in more frequently
but the nurse who was rebooking
said in a month
and i guess my mom didn't argue it
she just decided whatever

then she went to her primary care
end of april
and she said her blood was too thin

and i'm like
well that makes sense
all the vitamin k

she's like i though k clotted you blood
i'm like no
it thins it
she's like oh that makes sense then

but she was all ranting about the doctor not following up
and she couldn't get him on the phone

so
she's off him
her primary said the heart shocking thing only works
if the condition is very new
and she would recommend to her mother not to do it
of course this primary
also told my mom that she couldn't get off the medications
that this cardiologist got her off of
but
whatever
he's a wonderful savior
then he's a dreadful monster
and she hears and remembers what she wants to
and she has no responsibility for her own health

and i'm like
are you taking hawthorn
no, she says
well
you have to start taking it now, i say
because it strengthens your heart
and helps with swelling/water retention
she's got ten extra pounds of fluid built up
over the last month
plus fluid in her lungs
she says the website thing she wouldn't let me look at
says diagnosis congestive heart failure on every visit
but that he told her she doesn't have congestive heart failure
her heart muscle is just thickened

hawthorn
you're going to take it now, i say
why she says
because i'm sick of telling you things
and having you ignore me
and then think the doctor that finally tells you the same thing
is a genius, sick of it

what has a doctor ever told me to do
that you told me first

well
the things that are coming to me right now
are raw food and juice fast
but i don't think that is an exhaustive list


i never know what the fuck is the truth with her
i don't feel like i can trust her to make good decisions
i don't enjoy talking to her
and
she started saying
i won the daughter lottery
like i'm this great daughter
and i don't know if she really means that
or if it's some shit she's saying because it sounds like
something a perfect mother would say, or what
but i don't think i'm a very good daughter
and i don't think she's a very good mother
and the whole thing depresses me

then she went through this whole thing
where she's worried that she's gonna have to sign me
into the hospital and they will take all her money away
to pay my debts and then she'll have nothing
because i don't have insurance now
and i'm like
why would you need to sign for me
i could sign for myself

it just kinda ruined my day
i talked to her about two hours
and i mean, i'll get her something
but that cost more than anything i'll be buying

i wish i could love her more