i had seen it in movies
i had seen it on tv
it looked so amazing
but
when i actually went there
it was too much
i still loved the look of it
but it was like
every molecule was filled
with
i started to say angry ghosts
but that's too strong
just full
of human energy or spirit
living and dead
all my life i thought
when i go to new york
i will do this and that and whatnot
but mostly what i did was hide in the apartment
once a day i forced myself to go down to the corner
to this funky little not quite a coffee shop and not quite convincingly either health food restaurant
i'm not quite sure what they were trying to be
but it didn't feel to me like they were quite managing
brooklyn
it was hipster that's what it was
and it was managing just fine without my approval
i'm from a pretty big city
and the way i have always gotten by
was reading the vibe
is this safe
am i safe here
i just knew
but brooklyn i couldn't read
once
on a trip
i was walking around and around edinburgh
trying to find my bed and breakfast
which i don't know what that term means there now
but at that time it meant
home converted to a hotel
or just very small hotel
but more like rooming house
you got a room
bathroom was down the hall
they were pretty full up so i got a large room
single bed with a cot
and the person at the information station
seemed ashamed of how expensive it was
it was like twenty pounds a night
which i thought was cheap
it was super cozy
it had a tv and a kettle and a sink
and the bathroom was super close
and i think all the other bedrooms were upstairs
i loved it
but i hadn't found it yet
and i'd taken the night train
and it stopped constantly
and i couldn't get any sleep
i was exhausted and lost and couldn't get the map to work
this is before i realized i was geographically dyslexic
there was an old guy sitting on a park bench
and i'm finally looking at my map
in public
but i have it all folded up
in the hope that it looks like a newspaper or magazine at least
from a distance at least
because
are you kidding me
anyway major fail because he's yelling at me
from like twenty-five feet away
you'rre lawst aarren't ya
whehrr'rre ya frrummm
i'm from texas i say shocked
just shocked
that i'm so lame as to be so obviously a tourist
and to have been addressed in such a friendly
friendly and familiar manner by someone
someone who lives in what i thought to be a large city
[in fact it wasn't as peopled as i though, but still]
i'm from texas, i say
ha, wull ya shuddah brrawt yer hurrse
and then he was my long lost great uncle and directed me
so happy from the exchange
mortification completely dissipated
1987 i was twenty years old
one of the things my father had taught me at about eight
if you're walking by yourself always walk fast
but fast like you're on your way somewhere
but you're already a little bit late
and they're expecting you
he'd already given me the
if you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours lesson
and i just somehow understood
this lesson was about reading body language
that you had to be constantly aware
because not being prey was about not looking like a target
the idea of telegraphing information was not new to me
it made sense and the look like you're expected lesson
was appreciated and well taken
i felt like i could read london
well enough to get lost
drunk on the street looking for a night bus
back to my dive "bed and breakfast"
which barely had a bed and didn't come with breakfast
where i had a real fear i might catch a disease
from the bed
or the wall
or
for sure for sure
from the shower
and it was thirty-five pounds a night
on the night bus
i had a pleasant conversation
on the upper deck
with my new friend
who was really into serial killers
i found out when he learned where i was from
and i was able to tell him that yes
in fact a family friend had been friends
with his teen aged accomplice and we all felt like
he had narrowly escaped
no fear
i felt like i could read the room
brooklyn
i did not feel like i could read
