and yet more nite chat: 5:31

i feel as though

this is the answer

if this is a riddle

but

was it a riddle

i also feel like

this is somehow a better representation

of the writer's mind

than anything i've ever heard before

maybe i'm wrong

maybe i'm crazy

but

that's what it seems like

i think that ability to look at things

even as they are happening to you

as a narrative

somehow

meta

and then

the ability to play them back

and change the narrative

while still having it be

the narrative

but

if it wasn't a riddle

then

if i post this

it will probably be saying something mean

and i don't want to do that

maybe

he just wants to talk to someone who understands him

but i don't think i do

i probably could

but

i think he's gonna need to give me more than that to go on

and

i don't want to sound selfish

but

is he gonna make any effort to understand me

i don't feel like he's ever had much interest in me

and

i don't know that i've really got it in me

unless it's gonna be a reciprocal thing

i'm not sure that i know what to do

more nite chat: 5:31

it is a really good video
i really like jack kornfield
and
he has to know that i would like it
we've never had much interaction
but
when he was growing up
i gave him books
and
one of the books i gave him
when he was a young teen
was howl
perhaps he was too young for it
he said it freaked him out
which was maybe the gay content
which was not
why i gave it to him
but
he likely knows i like the beats
and kornfield
he fits in to all of that

i just wish he had included
a few more words
like
i just thought you would like this
or
saw this and thought of you
or
what the world needs now
or
you need to watch this for your own good
or
something

as it is
i'm deciding to take it neutral
like maybe there will be a follow up
that clarifies

when he found me
he said
something like
i just wanted you to know
you still have a family

which you could take different ways

i assume he means he still cares about me
because that is the nice way to take it

what family actually means to me
is
people who want things from you
but rarely give back anything good in return
who expect you to love them
but don't treat you very nicely at all

so
idk
i tried to keep up some kind of dialog
but
it got hard
it's got nothing to do with forgiveness
i just don't have that much to say to him
and he's not got much to say to me either

he's got an mfa
he made it pretty clear
he doesn't agree with my thoughts on art
it's hard to talk to him
we haven't lived together since he was five
i was not really involved in his life
i saw him infrequently
he stopped even letting me know he was in town for holidays
when he was in college
i think i've seen him once in twenty years

now
this was not a plan
and i don't really feel like it was a one sided thing
but
i am willing to take responsibility for that
if that's what he thinks is true
he doesn't know me
not at all
and i don't know him
i mean, maybe a little
but essentially
i only know him a little better than he knows me

if he now wants something from me
other than what we have had
maybe
he should just tell me what he has in mind
or
what would be better
start with building something
he sent me the weird family tree thing
and then he sent the riddle
and i guessed
and he didn't say if i got it right
he just said some weird anagram
is that even the right word
the thing where you take a phrase that says something
and say it can be rearranged to not actually say something else
i've never liked or understood the point
i mean
if it actually said something, maybe
but it always seems to be sort of

anyway
it weirded me out
and i didn't know how to respond
and
i'm fine with riddles
but fucking tell me if i got it
and then
nothing else
and i was upset about my whole history being destroyed
so maybe he thinks
i need to forgive about that
but
you saw how fast i did that
i did that whole forgiveness thing
in my twenties
i don't need to hold on to that shit
nobody cares
it just hurts me more
and i don't need to hurt

maybe he just wants something

maybe i'm not fulfilling my roll

or maybe he thought it was somehow connected
to what's happening now

maybe it's a riddle

he posted it as a comment
on his page
before he posed it on my page
it was a comment to this

'that are themselves inspired'
anagrams to
'Heathier devilment trespass.'

nite chat: 5:31

well
my brother
might be trying to tell me something
but
i'm not sure what exactly
maybe he's trying to say
i'm a bitter old woman with a hard heart
or maybe he's trying to say
he forgives me
for being  a bitter old woman with a hard heart
but
i cannot seem to escape
that
somehow i have failed

and
that's
whatever

i may have failed
in my sisterness
in my daughterness
on a variety of fronts
i am, in fact, prepared to believe
that i am not a good person

but
i do not believe
that my problem is my forgiveness
or the lack thereof
i do not believe that my heart is hard
at all

I'm awake

But I feel sort of hungover

Even though I didn't have a drop to drink

I hope you're doing good

I got to get some coffee

i might try to sleep

poem: 5:31

tether ball
with my twin
in the dandelion grove

spoke to the bee
and the crow
gave em the news from sluggo
who's been crawing around the kitchen
every night for a week

News is back on

But it's doing a a piece on people who died

From zombie flu

and I think that's really good I think they should have been doing this for like the last 2 months

I'm sorry I'm crying now

Because everybody who has died was somebody

Some of them might have only been somebody to their loved ones but a lot of them

Obviously a lot of them

Or important people for a variety of reasons

and I think that they should have been doing this from the very beginning so there was just a litany every day like like an obituary

Have they been doing this all along cuz I don't think they have

And I'm just wondering why they're doing it now because right now I'm like I don't want to be seeing this now

and then I feel like that's disrespectful to all these people that I don't want to see this now

but you remember what I was saying before about how it seemed like the whole country was having a psychotic break well I still feel that way

I just don't even know what to think

For a long time I really had hope that

There were so many young people who were idolizing black people I should say young white people who were idolizing black people who were musicians or sports figures

I was like you know it's it's going to be like the children of the Cold war we're going to get to the point where these kids are grown and it's going to change everything

But it hasn't

I mean it kind of has things are different

But but not different enough

We didn't get to the point where everybody just naturally understood that you know we're all the same well we're not all the same we're all different but we're all the same

And James Baldwin I can't remember now whether he made the movie or whether it was made about him and he didn't know about it I'm not 100% sure now but at any rate he was asking white people why do you need for me to be and the film changed it to negro

But that wasn't what it was fill in the word that people say instead of that and that's what he's saying You know that he doesn't need to have this relationship with them or with anybody else

Why did these white people need to have another group that they can think of as not human

Because it's not just it's not just a matter of well they're not quite as good as us at its core it's it's much much worse than that

and surely that doesn't really benefit anyone how does it benefit you if you have somebody else that you can crush under your boot heel

And obviously that is not just black people

I'm not saying that black people are the only group that has been treated badly and that has had the similar sort of experience but the problem in America I've heard people recently calling it our original sin and I don't really like that terminology but I get it

I prefer to think of it more like

We built this country on on the three fifths of person thing which was not just slavery which would be bad enough but saying you know we want to use these people as really machinery in a pre-mechanized age right

we don't want to think of them as people You want to think of them as equipment

But we want to have more population so that we have as many rights as you people so we want to count them as people even though we are acknowledging that they're not people

I mean I guess you can call that original sin but I think that simplifies it too much because original sin the concept of original sin is that you were born with sin that you didn't do anything for but you've got to do all kind of atonement Christian things to get past it and I suppose that it is like that because it's not something that any of us this generation did but that makes a sound all like innocent

And I don't like it for that reason because it's not innocent

And I feel like I'm rambling here

I'm sure that I'm rambling

James Baldwin is a lot more eloquent than I am

And he put his finger on it really really well

And I think for all those years that the politically correct people just made everybody behave sort of because everybody didn't ever really behave

But I feel like that we've not addressed these issues we've not addressed them at all and they need I mean it just needs to get sorted out somehow and what we've ended up with is a situation where everybody gets offended if you say they're being racist and in point of fact most of the people that I know who don't feel like they're racist or at least a little bit racist and some of them are a lot racist but they don't think they are

And I I would be tempted to say that I'm not racist at all because I'm anti-racist

But there are things that occasionally run when I examine them I go Jesus what the f*** 

Now I don't believe them

And I do examine them

And I feel personal shame that they even entered my head but they did enter my head

So you can't completely get away from it

Because you're soaking in it

Some of it's going to creep in some cracks somewhere

Apparently I've shifted to sleeping from 8:00 a.m. to like 6:00 p.m. 6:30 p.m. or at least that's what I did today

so I had pretty much been watching the news and reading my Twitter feed from the time I got up until about an hour and a half ago roughly I'm not sure and it's not good

Might have been longer ago than that I don't know but they were just talking about Los Angeles and I'm like okay well you know I'm really wanting to know about everywhere but I guess things got worse in Los Angeles and I don't know

I don't know what this is I'm looking at it the live news feed now The screen says feeding the homeless in DC and there's a long line of people in covet masks but then there's people sitting in circles and parks so I don't think it's all just about feeding the homeless and that's not DC

I'm pretty sure this is the same news I was watching earlier but this seems to be the only live news that's right now except for Bloomberg financial news and I really don't think I want to watch that

I don't know

I'm not aware of anything else going on here of course that doesn't mean there isn't something going on here

no this is just saying the world in photos you're watching the world and photos I don't think they've got any live news now

It does definitely seem as though the protesters are being infiltrated

I don't know

I suppose it's possible they're being infiltrated by multiple groups but I mean this is certainly giving the orange one what he wants

Nobody's talking about zombie flu

It's like race warfare

But a lot of the looting seems to be going on by people who are either just straight up trying to implicate protesters

or there have certainly been a fair number of opportunistic thieves who have a planned attack I saw some people driving out of car dealerships on I'm going to go with maybe it was rodeo drive but I'm not sure with Hummers and sports cars and there was another case I don't know if that was in Los Angeles or not but it was somebody went into a CVS and they busted open all the registers but that was not protesters it was not opportunistic looters it was a planned attack

Okay I just turned on the news again I had turned it off about an hour and a half ago because it just seemed to be solely focused on Los Angeles and it wasn't saying anything new it was just saying the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over

The police you think it's the police specifically

Okay this is not meditation on the news That's weird

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 💓

III nite chat: 5:30

i love you
i hope my many moods
have not been difficult for you
i don't feel like i've done that well
with the whole quarantine thing
and you
i feel like you have done great
handled things so so well
and
i don't want this to sound some kinda way
but
i feel like you have really come into you're own
now
i don't mean by that
that you're doing better than you were before
probably you aren't making as much money
and probably you have had your challenges
but
the people who love you
have been able to have more of you
without
at least a lot of the travel and such
that you used to have to do
and
you get to be with your family

i still haven't left the house

you look good
you sound good
you are nothing short of
wonderful
and i hope you feel every bit of the wonderful


oh
i forgot to tell you my dream
there was a old woolworths
at least i'm pretty sure it was woolworths
i'm pretty sure i was calling it woolco in the dream
but i think woolco was a big dept store
i'm pretty sure the five and dime type thing in the malls
with the grill restaurant thing
was a woolworths
could be wrong
anyway, doesn't matter
it was closed
the majority of the store was empty
but they had a cafeteria type line
with the grill and stuff behind it
and some booths and tables
just no stuff in the store

when i had been frequenting this thing
it wasn't quite a five and dime anymore
it was kind of a drug store, kind of
and the grill wasn't quite a soda fountain anymore
but this was before malls had food courts
which didn't happen until like the early eighties

so this was like the one at northwest mall
when i was a kid
there was some sort a place where you could buy drinks
and maybe cookies or something
memorial city had the corn dog place
but northwest had some sort of snack thing
it might have had ice cream too
i can't remember
they also had an italian restaurant
not like fancy
like a pizza parlour
but they had other italian food
very informal but they did have tables and stuff
not just like take away
there was picadilly cafeteria

anyway
whatever
i went to this place
and i was kinda remembering
all the memories of that place and time
and
for some reason i associate it with this five day diet
that i wish i still had
because it worked so well
it was a food combining diet
so you got to eat
not a lot of calories though, actually
but
breakfast was an egg any style except fried
one piece of dry wheat toast
half a grapefruit
and black coffee or tea
but
then i don't remember
because it was different after that
i know there was asparagus
and sliced tomatoes
and cottage cheese
and a lamb chop
but that is not five days worth of lunches and dinners

and you'd lose ten pounds
no joke
i've tried every combination of looking it up
everything i can think of
but
to no avail

anyway
i'm not sure exactly how that got associated
with this northwest mall location
joan didn't live near there
and though i did
if i was staying with her
and we were doing it together
i can't imagine we would have gone there
and
i mean
nobody else would have made special food for me
so if i was doing it
it must have been with her

anyway
none of that was happening
i was just remembering that
i was admiring the set up
and wondering if it was meant to be temporary
or if they were just starting and didn't have it completed yet

the cafeteria line
was rather like the one they had at the galleria
when i was really little
when they first built it
where my dad always got me the hot chocolate
that always burned my mouth so bad
but i just remembered that now
it wasn't something i was thinking about in the dream

i was going to get
a grilled cheese sandwich
and a cup of coffee
but
when i got in line
somebody came up to me
like to expedite
asked me what i wanted
and then told me
oh no
just go to a table
we'll bring it to you

which didn't make sense to me
but
i wasn't displeased


what i want to do
right now
is go to this weird place i went to in pennsylvania
it was called, i think
a smorgasborg
it was in amish country
and it was full of foods that seemed slightly weird to me
it was like a buffet
not unlike a golden corral
or a steak country kitchen
in format
but
there was a big shopping thing
where you could buy all kinds of crap
that i couldn't quite believe anyone would want
and it was kind of fancy
but not
not pretty or nice
just
lots of geometric shapes to the buffet
and lots of archways
idk
it was weird
and i cannot believe that i want to go there now
but
for some reason i do

i didn't even really like that food
and i was looking for a video
but i can't remember what it was called
and i can't find it

II nite chat: 5:30

it's the damnedest thing
but my violent cat
the one who used to scare me
he is fascinated by small humans

children
apparently like cats
and he likes them too

he wants to go out
and i don't really like just having the door open
but i can't just put him out
because
gray cat will chase him
and if gray cat catches him
he will bite him and i cannot afford to betaking him to the vet
to get his shameful bottom bite wounds
emptied of puss and injected with anti biotics
but i can't just not let him out
so
i've compromised
i let him out
i put the chain on the door
i put a flip flop in the door
so if the wind
or whatever it is that keeps making it close on it's own
if that happens it won't close

and
i am either right here
or in the kitchen
or bathroom
i don't like it
but it seems the best compromise

anyway
there aren't a lot of kids
but there are some
and i've seen him from a distance making friends
but lately

there's a japanese man
with a baby backpack
and a small girl [maybe as much as three]
and they walk by
the reason i say japanese
in addition to looking japanese
he doesn't seem to speak english very well
so i'm going with japanese rather than japanese-american
or something like that

the little girl
is fascinated with kitty
and he is fascinated with her
and he seems to have a lot of self control
and he seems to understand that
scratching and biting hurts people
and he doesn't seem to want to do that
but
if she had asked me
i'm afraid i would still have advised against it
i don't trust him

but
they were like two doors down
she and her dad were walking down the street
and kitty was at the street
and she was trying to pet him
and he kept
running back to the steps
away from her
to lay on the ground rolling around and looking cute
i assume
because he was getting over-stimulated
and needed to get away
so he wouldn't accidentally hurt her

he has really come a long way

now
when i'm in my chair
he doesn't walk up to me and cut me
he has three stations of the feeding request
one he sits in front of me
looking up expectantly
possibly putting him foot on my leg non-aggressively
this usually works at this station
however
if i'm in the middle of something
and putting him off
he will go to station two
where he sits on the back of the chair
and pats me on the shoulder
and
if that doesn't work
he goes to station three
where he knocks over things
on my chair-side table
my face mist bottle is his current favorite
he does this very gently
like
let's understand each other
i'm not trying to do any damage
i'm not trying to break anything
i am just really really trying to get your attention, see

if he breaks something
i get mad
and i get all involved in trying to clean it up
or fix it
or other things that don't lead to quick feeding outcomes

kitty and i have come a long way

I nite chat: 5:30

there's been protest here
i don't think there have been riots
but
something happened
because like 80 people were arrested

i wish people wouldn't riot
i understand it
i'm not saying i blame them
but
what tends to happen
it hurts their case
it does a lot of damage
but doesn't really accomplish any of their goals
but, again
i understand why it feels like the only way to make a point

it's such a
i don't even know the word i want to use
when a cop has had seventeen complaints against him
it would seem like really a complete lack of any sort
of even pro-activity on the part of leadership
to not just have already done something
and sure
i don't know what they're dealing with blah blah blah
but
i mean
come on


i don't even really want to talk about this
i really just feel bad that
i don't know all the details
i'm trying to let them in
bit by bit
but it's all pretty terrible

i'm going to another chat
i don't want this one mixed with something fun

i'm awake
i'm alive
the world is madness
i know there's something
and
i'll get caught up
but there's some stuff i have to do first
i love you
i hope you're ok

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 💋

nite chat: 5:29

i haven't got
anything more
or more interesting to say
i watched some more youtubes
and
very exciting
i got a podcasting app
i don't have a lot of apps
but
i found a quaker podcast
one of the women in the videos
and i thought
what the hell
except
she's doing it with a guy
and he's not liberal quaker
and he went to seminary or whatever
and he keeps bringing up jesus
and
i might not be able to deal
i didn't make it through three episodes
before i had to take a break
and
that's not nearly as much daf yomi as i listened to
although
i will admit
recently i have started speeding up the play time
on the videos
because people talk too slow
and if you've got
four or five forty-five minute videos
some of them i can listen to at 1.75 speed
not the daf yomi ones though
too information dense
i can only go 1.25
but
if you can speed up the podcast
idk how

i think the podcast stuff is a little easier
for apple users

Okay I'm awake

But I'm back in bed

I don't think I'm going back to sleep I just wanted to lay down

What the f*** is going on

I was just looking through Twitter

And it seems as though

I'm going to have to try to figure out what happened in the news in the last few days

It seems like it wasn't a shooting I'm not sure why I thought it was a shooting maybe because it's usually a shooting

But it sounds as though they choked him to death by putting their knee on his wind pipe

For 9 minutes

Also it seems like there was looting

And protesting

And we either reached or surpassed 100,000 deaths

And something about fact-checking

Seems like a lot of stuff has been going on

at the start I felt like I was keeping on top of everything but now I feel like I'm drowning in what I haven't kept on top of

All I was trying to do was disconnect from it

Because I was depressed and overwhelmed

And I'm not sure

That I'm prepared to deal with all of that

What the f*** am I going to do about all of that

I mean it's not like people are getting worse exactly

But it is sort of like whole country is having a slightly psychotic episode

Which I mean I relate to

Not what they're all doing

But the psychotic episode-y part

But if you wanted to fix this

This problem with America

I don't mean the virus

I mean the extreme division between what I guess I'll call the left and the right even though I don't think that's really that accurate of a representation

and you can't say the haves and the have nots either because that's not right either

And you can't say black and white because it's not that simple either

And I mean if you parse it out

I don't think it's one thing

But even though it isn't one thing

Even though there's a lot of stuff going on

And some of what's going on is white supremacy That's a thing

And some of what's going on is racial violence That's a thing

And then there's this I won't wear a mask

Is maybe a weird combination of things that I'm not 100% sure what to chalk it up to

I mean some of it is clearly manipulation of poor whites to serve a political agenda

And part of that can definitely be laid at Trump's feet and other people who are trying to serve some sort of reopening agenda

But not entirely

Some of it is a very white privilege I am a super brat I could do what I want but you better be afraid of me

I just can't get over how why people with automatic weapons were allow ed to just invade Capitol buildings and congregate in threatening packs packs You can't call it anything other than packs of I don't even know what to call them I mean I'm tempted to call them feral humans but that's insulting to animals

How is that just allowed to happen

I mean I get

That if you're the cops and there are people with automatic weapons you may not feel like you're able to subdue them

I get that

But then why aren't you taking pictures of them like you do of protesters and going and arresting them later when they're not in big packs with automatic weapons or why don't you tear gas then you know I mean something

How was that allowed to stand

But then protesters

Those you tear gas and shoot with rubber bullets

I mean really

I I don't understand and quite frankly I don't want to understand I want it fixed

I want the people who are behind organizing these white might paramilitary style fright fests

I want those people in masked

Billie Joe Jim Bob did not figure this all out on his own

I want those people punished

And I want political leaders to make this systemic physical violence against and murder of African American men stop it needs to just stop

No I'm not saying they should be violent to other minorities or in fact anyone

But what the f*** what the f*** why why can this not be made to stop surely we've noticed the problem it's been in the media for years it's been going on for longer than that obviously but it's been brought to the public's attention for years

I guess everybody being in quarantine has stopped the school shootings

But you are not going to convince me did this level of violence would not be stopped if the people who are perpetrating it were made to feel the The consequences for their action

I'm just very torn

I feel like I should spend the day catching up on what I missed but I really don't want to I really don't feel emotionally prepared

Just somebody in charge take a f****** stand

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 💓

II nite chat: 5:27

i'm not sure how i reached such a quick reversal
but
i'm not surei want to do the daf yomi anymore
at some point
looking around the youtubes
i found a video about quakers
oh
i think i know what i was doing
i was looking at all the history bounding
and i was like
what i really want is like a quaker/shaker outfit
with the long skirt apron bonnet trifecta
so i was looking for that
and
i found something else

i'm not sure which thing it was
or how it was different from
other times i've looked up quakers
but
somehow
this time something hit me different
and
suddenly
it seemed like the quakers
were all basically saying
they do what i do

except
i'm not sure i'm prepared for that intense
of a community participation in my life
but
suddenly
even though i found a daf yomi teacher from toronto
i'm just not sure that i can get that into it

i know i said it was seductive
but
i don't necessarily see that as a good thing

it was really weird though
i was watching these videos about quakers
and i was all like i want to go
i could go this sunday, right
and then
it all came crashing back
no
it's zombie apocalypse
no body's having religious meetings
but
that's the first time i've forgotten
that's the first time i've wanted to leave the house

and
i know
daf yomi was they key
but
the way all this works
is
that the key might not end up being the answer
it's the thing that opens the door

so
i'm not sure

but
i started to listen to 3
and i was like wait, no, i already know this stuff
about the braying of the donkey
and the howling of the dog
and the baby waking up to be fed
i don't want to hear it again
and now that i'm analyzing it
it's from reading adam kirsch
so
maybe that is a better source than i thought

and
maybe
the thing that always put me off the quakers
at the end of the day
was
they are still kinda christians
in some way, as opposed to not christians
but
they aren't very christian
not dogmatically
and idk
i'm liking them now
so
idk

i wanted to go to meeting
i forgot about the plague for a minute
that's gotta mean something
so
i'm not turning it loose yet
i'm looking into it more

you don't care
do you

I nite chat: 5:27

ok
i haven't been following the news
i've been trying to get out of my depressed hole
and i feel like i'm doing pretty good
so i go look at twitter
which i haven't really been doing
and
what the fuck

after all that shit
with no consequences for
the armed white fucks invading capitol buildings
and being generally threatening to the public
we've got yet another police shooting
of a black man
again
i say what the fuck
i don't know the details
and
i gather some other bad shit has happened

i'm not sure that i'm up to getting caught up
not just yet
but
this is not going well
what the hell is wrong with people
and
no wonder i was depressed

I dreamed somebody I knew was a chef

He hadn't quite you know made it yet

Whatever that means

He was working for someone I guess as opposed to having his own restaurant

And there was some other element

I was trying to get a job or I was working and we were at this restaurant I don't I don't really know I don't really remember how my part worked

Actually I think before the restaurant part there had been a whole big dream about me working

I think it was in an office somehow

and I'm not sure whether I actually work there or there was trying to work there I just don't remember that I just almost can but I can't

But but this guy who was cooking

He was making all this weird stuff

Like lasagna with pink fudge on top

And some stuff that actually sounded good too

And I guess he must have been cooking for a big group or something because there was just huge quantities of the same thing being made

But the thing that struck me the most

that I just could not turn loose of once I had latched on to it

Was this corn

It was like big bowls huge stainless steel bowls filled with these ears of corn

But they were not like regular ears of corn

Regular ears of corn you know they're kind of cylindrical slightly smaller on one end

The kernels are pretty tightly packed and kind of juicy you know when you eat corn the kernels kind of pop they're not kernels kernels is popcorn whatever you call them you know what I'm talking about you know about corn

Well these were not normal corns

They had kernels or whatever you call them

But they weren't in Rose and densely packed they were more like outcroppings

And the Cobb part was just like all blown out

So the shape of them was somewhere between cylindrical and round except maybe not even exactly that

some of them were like super lumpy so maybe they were cylindrical and round

They had been specifically bred

Or whatever you call it with plants bread is wrong I think hybridized maybe cultivated

So that you could get that corn mold stuff that people like to eat which I want to come I want to say it's called something like wesatch but I don't think it is

And it's definitely not spelled that way cuz I'm doing the dictation thing

Anyway it was this really fancy corn where you could get the juiciness of the corn plus you could get this mold all through it

which to be honest with you does not sound that appetizing to me but I've never had it maybe it's incredibly delicious I eat all kind of things like mushrooms and miso

and kombucha is like a combination of fungus and mold I think it's a like a bio symbient

Although the kombucha isn't the scoby is

I don't think very many people eat the scoby so that's different I guess

And maybe I'm wrong about kombucha

I know it's a biosymbient and I know that part of the biosynthetic thing is fungus but the other part may not be mold it may be bacteria his bacteria what you get in fermented things

I should really have looked this up before I started but I did not know I was going to use kombucha as an example at any rate

It's delicious

cheese there you go cheese is something that's delicious but if you really think about what it is it's kind of revolting

Beer also kind of gross if you really think about it

So this corn thing it sounds gross but that's just cuz I didn't grow up eating it

Anyway I got off track The thing that was captivating me in the dream was this corn that was all blown out and weird looking and I was like hey can I help you cut this stuff up

Because I just wanted to cut it up and I was trying to cut it and it was not easy going and I was not making it pretty so he didn't want me to do it but I did spend a little time cutting a few pieces of it before he could stop me and it was kind of amazing

and then I was sitting down to write this and I thought hey corn

You dreamed about corn

So I thought I'd tell you

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 💋

II nite chat: 5:26

yes
i'm wrong
it doesn't start with shabbos
it starts with berachos
i guess it doesn't really matter
because i'm trying to find
who to listen to
and i guess that doesn't have to be
determined by which day

it's at shabbos 82 now
so i was thinking i was 80 behind
and now it's more

i have to decide
if i can catch up
or just start at the beginning
and work through

the weird thing is
i don't really care what the rules are
i'm not going to follow the rules
what i want
is the back and forth
the disagreement

and i'm not sure if i will get that
from these study groups
a little, maybe

but what i am continually struck by
is
there are so so many rules
and
all anyone seems to be concerned with
is how to wiggle through the rules
the more orthodox
the more wiggly
because you're not setting aside any rules

and
don't get me wrong
there is a part of me
that loves this
that identifies with this from the core of my being
from childhood to today age
when they would tell me
you must order the minimum quantities
do not delete
or
a variety of other things
i'd just be like
why are you making this a challenge
i assure you
i can figure out the way around this
and i would want to
since that had made it that way
but
there's another part of me
that thinks
why have all the rules
if it just engenders the need to work out ways around them
surely that is the wrong spirit

unless
maybe
it's a plan to make
people who can think
better at it

because catholics don't work out
clever ways around the rules
they break them
and beg forgiveness

and
other christians
it varies

but
are there any other groups
with this kind of process
i don't know of any

and
it almost makes me want to follow the rules
just so i can be clever enough to break them
it's very seductive
to me
this
process

also
i'm listening to
an introduction to the talmud
just to get context
and background
and
some of it i'm familiar with
and some of it i'm not
so far
but i'm not very far into it

i'm thinking about buying this
but that's just the first volume
and
i want to see how serious i am first
but
it seems to be laid out in a way that makes sense
and highlights the back and forth
from what i can see
from the look inside

so
idk
i feel like
i could be potentially
jumping into this
and
i'm not sure
how much sense that makes

i mean
what am i thinking

oh crap
i think i may have started with the wrong book
i need to verify that

I nite chat: 5:26

i'm having a hard time
with the daf yomi
i like adam kirsch
and maybe he will get more in depth
i've read a couple
and listened to one podcast
and
it's good
but not enough

so then
i've tried a few youtubes
and
there's too much i don't understand
like even when it's translated
it's not translated enough
special neames for the person standing inside
and the person standing outside
i mean
i get it a little
but
not like i want to

i went to that daf yomi 4 women
and
she doesn't seem to be talking about the same thing
so i'm confused

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I love you very much

nite chat: 5:25

so
the key in the dream captured me
and i was scrolling through twitter
and
one of the rabbis i follow
was responding to someone
who wrote an article about
i actually think
it was referencing shavout
more that the daf yomi
but
perhaps it referenced both
i've not read her article yet
but
one of the rabbis
said
that's why i can never get into the daf yomi
i'm reading a perfectly reasonable argument
about who owns half a chicken
and then
someone decides to compare our relationship to god
with an abusive relationship
i might be paraphrasing
and then
another rabbi i follow
said to her
yeah
the daf yomi is for me
like trying to drink water from a fire hose

and
there's clearly something wrong with me
because i said
hey
that sounds like a key
what is this daf yomi thing
and
it isn't really all that easy to get the kind of simple answer to that
that you can of most things
but then
i found that interview
and
i thought
this is not something you have any reason
to expect is right for you
if ya can't read proust
what da fuk

but
i'm interested in the talmud
i don't want to read the bible
or torah
or whatever permutation
but
the commentary
the context
and the argument
and the whole culture around it
has kinda fascinated me for a while

and
i don't want to just read it
because i don't think i have enough background
for that to be interesting yet
i expect it would be hard to read
because my attention span
is no longer suited to philosophical argument
those trolly articles
made that clear

so
what are my options
well
there are some youtubes
but i'm having some trouble wading through that
i need the right kind of guide

there are some apps
i don't think they explain
i think they are just text
but
i have not fully explored yet

and then there's this
which seems very promising

i am not sure why i follow so many rabbis
but whatever you might say about the algorithm
i get rabbis in my feed every day
and not just rabbis
i get enough of a sub-set
to know it's internally called jwitter
so
why
when the rabbis aren't keen on it
am i trying to pick up the gaultlet
idk
and maybe i won't ultimately
but this convinced me
it was at least a key 

I dreamed I stopped by it was definitely a coffee shop and they were super busy so I clocked in

But before that now that I think of it

I've been talking to one of the supervisors or assistant managers or like assistant managers

And he was doing some kind of thing on the calculator I was trying to figure out the deposit or reconcile the weekly paperwork or something

But he'd almost finished it

But I think he was having some kind of problem and I wanted to help him

And then I went out front and they were super busy and so I clocked in to help them but I didn't ask permission first I just clocked in

And there was this lady and she kept mumbling her order and I thought she wanted a non-fat latte but it turned out that when I asked her very closely what she wanted but she really wanted was a mint chocolate chip frappuccino with no whipped cream and then she wanted pound cake to pound cake turned out to be all dry

And she was like complaining the whole time about how she wasn't getting what she wanted and the cake was all little or dry or bad in some way

And she was British I don't know why that's important

but it took forever and I got her all sorted out so I didn't really help them all that much by clocking in because I really only helped one person

She was just a really high maintenance person

and then when I finished with her the line had gone away and so I started looking for things that I could break down and start cleaning

But I hadn't been supposed to work that day

And the assistant manager came out and he's the key I'm not accusing you of anything but I heard you parked really close in the customer only space

and I'm like well I was just stopping in for a minute on my day off I wasn't planning on being here and he's okay but you are so

And I'm like I was really just leaving He's like okay and I was like well are you working on Friday and he's like no I'm off and I'm like what about Saturday and he's like no I'm off Saturday too and I'm like well then I'm not going to see you

and he's like well I'll see you when you come to pick up your check and I'm like well can I have a hug I'm really going to miss you

And he's like yes

But you know you really broke my heart when you quit

And then I was telling him about a dream I had had before that dream where I had found all these cases of electric reindeer wine

And how it wasn't an inventory and I was going to make so much more profit when I was selling that at Christmas and making all these plans

And then I realized that I wasn't going to

That I was never going to do that again

and I was just dreaming about that s*** for no reason at all

And it made me really sad

So I hugged him

And I went out to my car

And I was talking to myself

And I was like what is that s*** just go in and start randomly volunteering to do people's prep work

And I had been dreaming previously and I was remembering it then

In that dream

Something about texts

I had been trying to keep up with some kind of

I don't know like friendship circle or something

Like it was texting back and forth of certain kinds that was necessary to maintain the bonds of friendship

And I was having a hard time with it

And then I thought I should text this guy that I had just talked to for some reason

And there was a whole lot more to that dream

The one I was remembering in this dream

There was some kind of code-ing

Not like programming like

I don't know spy stuff or something but not

And there was something to do with money and credit cards

and it was all tied in also with some kind of art

Some kind of conceptual art

But I don't really remember how it worked

It wasn't a femoral quality to it

Somehow like those books where you draw a picture on every page and then you flip them and you get like a movie

Except

Not that at all some sort of ephemeral construction

And I was trying to do that but then I had to do all these texts that I did not feel up to

And even though supposedly I had been right in front in the parking lot I was having to walk through this field of torn up muddy something

who's kind of deep and it was kind of hard to get through

And when I was coming up out of it I was buy some parked cars and there was a keychain that had keys to some car on it

And I was really seriously thinking about picking up the keychain and just looking for the car that it went to

I'm taking that and driving away

but I was having this realization that things that I hated were things that I loved

Workwise

And I was unhappy about that

And the keys were really big

And then I think I woke up

So I'm not very happy

About that dream at all

Because it seems like it's telling me stuff that I really don't want to hear

But then also the dream within the dream stuff is pretty interesting

And the key is pretty interesting too

nite chat: 5:25

I keep falling asleep in the chair

I hope you had a good day

it rained a bunch today

I am apparently

fixated on corsets

and

fountain pens

also

watched a bunch of Downton Abbey

less funny

more

soap opera-y

one episode left of season two

supposed to rain tomorrow as well

I need to go to bed

I hope

my brain will be

a little snappier tomorrow

outside

I need to go outside

I love you very much sweetheart

sleep well

quotidienne: coffee + toast 5:24

sorry to be so dramatic last night

i just knew

i would never get it out of my head

it was great to see you

i took italian for one year in high school

but all i caan remember is

basta basta ragazzi

i really just wanted to stay in dr. megna's class

and i could have taken an independent study

french four

but

i didn't think i could

because

i couldn't understand the french verbs

and i had managed through the three years

but

i didn't think i'd make it through the fourth

the conjugations didn't make sense

now

possibly this is because

i wasn't given an adequate explanation

but

things that are done frequently

that didn't seem to be done frequently

and

word order didn't make that much sense either

now german

in college

it made sense

but

it was very regimented

and

it helped me understand english grammar

up until then

i think i had just instictually known

how things should sound

which might have been

because english grammar was modeled correctly

when i was growing up

or

it might have been

reading

but

i'd say

i didn't really learn english grammar

until i learned german

and had to really understand what case

and clauses

and that whole bit

but

language lesson dialogues

were fun

the french ones were always

some misunderstanding

about

which floor something was on

or showing up at the wrong date

because all that stuff was different

although

i only remember

je m'appel sylvie

in a very deep voice

like she was twenty

but she'd already destroyed her voice

with four packs of cigarettes a day

for ten years

the italian ones were always

crazy young italian guys

running around

getting into trouble

the german ones

were always about some topic

that didn't help you with anything

you might actually need to get by in german

like abortion

or the local government

or something

never

how do i catch a bus across town

or where is the train station

or common things people might actually say

one time i was in a park

alone

and this woman came up to me

she was older

and maybe homeless

not sure

but somewhat disheveled for sure

she came up to me

got right up in my face

and started chanting some witchcraft

about fire eye

i think

i may have screamed and run away

probably not exactly

but

something that would have registered as that

to a crazy park lady

but

in retrospect

i think she wanted a light

she wasn't holding out a cigarette

but

what else could

feueraugen 

really have been about

I'm up

I'm showered

I'm drinking coffee

I don't remember any dreams

Good Morning

I love you

nite chat: 5:24

i have always thought of myself
as a gryffendor
but
i've always secretly been afraid
i was a ravenclaw
but
i never thought of them as nerds

so
do you think
i'm a gryffendor
or a ravenclaw

and
i mean
i'm kind of joking
because i don't really think
i'm any of those things
or
that it matters
it's fictional
and
anachronistic to my timeline

also
why do they make all the history bounding
outfits shorter
that's the one thing i have managed to do
is wear long shirts

i would be unwilling to wear short skirts
and yes
below the knee is short
if my ankles show
it's short
i don't mean
like you can catch a glimpse of them
i mean
if the skirt comes to a height
at which my ankles are visible
it's a short skirt
i have like a few
that show my ankles
because they turned out not to be quite
long enough
but were desirable for some reason
but
they don't show leg
just ankle

i am not sure about a corset though
i wore a girdle once
and it looked great
under the dress
but
it was unmitigated hell
i just never wore the dress again
which wasn't hard
it was a creamy off white
i don't know why i bought the dress in the first place
i was in my twenties
twenty three, twenty four, idk

i need to go to bed two hours ago
so
goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

NO
i'm sorry
i made it to 42 minutes in
i am about to find out what red means
and i don't want to
i don't need another horror story
that i won't be able to get out of my mind
although
i'm pretty sure she is going to
at least stick a knife through his tongue
i'm gonna need to know where
the thing is
that i'm listening for
so i can go right to that
or
i'm just not gonna

ok
i'm watching it
i'm a little nervous
i don't usually watch things
about traumatic childhoods
because
that might not go well for me
but
i'm doing it for you

I'm sure I dreamed a bunch of things

But the only thing I really remember is there was crispy chicken skin that was stuffed with stuffing and I was trying to bite it like someone was holding it up and I was trying to jump at it and bite it That's really all I remember

crispy chicken skin I don't mean like fried chicken skin I mean like that stuff they do in the cooking shows where they take it and they stake it out and they cook it till it's all crispy it was like that only it was shaped like a shape like a football but I think it was attempting to be shaped like chicken and it was stuffed with stuffing it was really looked really good I was trying really hard but I could not bite it

nite chat: 5:23

i hope you are doing well
i'm kinda scattered
and
i don't have anything very exciting to say
i've been thinking about things i'd want
i don't want to live in a tiny box
i like the design of that guy's tiny box
with the kitchen window that opens
i like it

but i couldn't live there
it's too small
now
i could sleep there
so it might work in some circumstances
but
i really want a kitchen
and a porch
i don't need a living room, really
because it's not like i'm ever gonna have people over
i don't do that
would not want to do that
so i don't need a sofa
i need my chair

i don't know why i'm talking about this
but
i keep trying to think
of sort of alternative spaces
less expensive
and less domesticated than
the things i'm never going to be able to afford
and
i don't really want to live in a neighborhood
where they are going to want me to fit in
but
in a yurt
or a tipi
there's no lock on the door
and i don't think i could ever be comfortable
in something that wasn't
semi fortress-able

gotta go to bed i guess

my head still hurts
but there's a front coming through
but sometimes the nerves
get activated
in a way that makes my teeth hurt
which really worried me at first
except
when i thought about it rationally
i wouldn't have horrible cavities in a whole section
all at once with no notice
and then
it's just gone the next day
and then
months later
different section

it's weird though
unsettling
it's my top front teeth right now
which is unusual
and
less pleasant

it goes right from under my chin
right up through the front of my face
across the top of my head
down my neck
and into my shoulder sockets

i think i'll take some tylenol before i go to bed

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

nite chat: 5:22

ok
so i talked to my mother
and this new cardiologist
he did an echo cardiogram (?)
and a pet scan (?)
and some kind of chemically induced stress test (?)
and some kind of reading on the pace maker (?)
and
he said there's nothing really wrong with her heart (?)

so
she's fit as a fiddle

I feel like I should mention

To go into the doctor thing was mentioned

at 10:30 p.m. the night before the morning doctor's appointment

And if I'm honest

The idea of leaving the house

It's almost

As bad as the idea of having to go to sleep

When you've only been up for like 6 hours

And I did tell her that I would go with her

If she felt like she needed me to be there

So

I'm not the world's worst daughter

But I've already admitted that I don't think I'm a very good daughter

Okay so I dreamed there's something wrong with my car and I got a lunar car and I was living in the house that we lived in when I was in high school well 10th through 12th

And I also live there for the majority of my college

And I lived there part time when I was younger too so of all the houses that I lived in with my mom I lived in that one the most

And I really loved that house

So anyway I drove the loaner car back there but I'm not sure that it was my house

Seem to be a combination garage and bank

The loaner car I didn't see it right away cuz I was in it in the dream but it was kind of like an El Camino in that it was a car but it had the configuration of the truck but it didn't have the more elegant lines of an El Camino it was more like a Chevy C10

But it was white and it was missing the windshield and the metal was crinkled on a lot of it like banged up and just kind of half-assed smooth back out which since it was metal you could do You wouldn't be able to do that with a modern car

And I had just come down the street I mean my car was just a few blocks away

But I pulled into the yard and there were a lot of other cars in the yard and I sat there for a few minutes there was this guy and he was arguing with this woman

And I was trying to figure out what their relationship to one another was

Like was she his wife and they were arguing

Or was she a customer and they were arguing

Or was there some sort of political thing happening I just wasn't sure

but I didn't really want to get out of the car until I ascertained what was going on

But then I finally determined that I thought it was his it was his wife and they were just kind of bickering that it wasn't anything to be concerned about

So I got out and I went into the bank which was just like a little cubicle in the corner and it had closed at 4:45

I don't know what time it was so I don't know if I had just missed it by the amount of time I had been sitting in the car or if I had missed it by like an hour

it seemed pretty dark and pretty quiet it didn't seem like someone had just left it although I'm not sure how I can make that determination

So I went back out to get into the loaner car and it was completely blocked in

And the sky was like oh yeah we were just you know filling up the yard so we could lock everything up and I'm like well I need to get out

so he started moving cars for me so I could get out and I got into the car and it would not turn over

And I'm like God damn it it's a loaner car I've only had it for like two blocks how can it possibly be not turning over

and he's like well if you leave it here we can check it in the morning

And I'm like no you don't understand it's a little under car it's not my car I'm using it while my car is being fixed I don't want to leave this car then I haven't got a car and I don't want to pay for it to be fixed it is in my car

And he's like well it doesn't drive so what do you want me to do about it

And I looked at the fuel gauge and I was like maybe it's out of gasoline

And he's like oh we so gasoline here so if that's the only problem that's no problem

But then the cat woke me up I think so I don't know whether that's all the problem or not

There was also a part where I was driving the car and whenever I would turn I got off of the seat and I got down on my knees and I turned the car from that position

Like there was a big section of floor between the seat and the door that I could stand on on my knees and turn the car

but I don't know why I did it that way because I don't think it works better it felt more intense for sure it seemed a little harder to do

seems like there was some reason I had to do it that way physically

But it made the process slower and the turns were wider and less precise

so I'm sure that has some kind of important significance but I don't know what it is

I also don't know what my regular car look like or why it was in the shop

ok
i'm going to bed
i love you very much
goodnight sweetheart

more nite chat: 5:22

my headache
is
really bad

but i'm not asleep yet

i just found out that there is such a thing
as titanium nibs
and i'm intrigued

nite chat: 5:21

ok
my mom like springs it on me
do i want to go to the doctor with her in the morning
which
no
i don't want to
but also
i can't really
because i can't get up that early
and i can't go to sleep that early

and
then
i missed a show
so

no
no longer in a good mood
headache worse

i don't know how much longer i'm gonna stay up

i'm checking in
i'm not feeling productive
the headache's a bit better
i'm watching downton abbey
i've never seen any of it
i'm actually enjoying it

everything is going to be fine

i didn't realize it was so funny
downton abbey

I guess the important thing I didn't say about the fountain pen is that it's a gold nib fountain pen

And although I have fountain pens I don't have a gold nib to fountain pen

Which I'm not saying that I need

But I have kind of been wanting one for a long time

But once you get into gold nib fountain pens you get into more expensive

and initially I thought well when I finally get a golden and fountain pen what I'm going to get is the lamy 2000

But I don't know the more I know about fountain pens the less I think I would like that hooded nib

I'm not one that likes the big flashy looking nibs specifically

and I have a fountain pen that I really like that I got from a guy on eBay who's in think he's in Taiwan but he might be in mainland China it's plastic and it's got kind of like octagonal side so it doesn't roll around and it's black and it doesn't look like really anything fancy it's not fancy at all cost $5.98

But he adjusted the nib

He's a nibsmith

So that it's fairly wet and it's I guess it's a medium nib

And I have this other fountain pen that I write with that I haven't had for very long

It was about $40 I tend to be uncomfortable with expensive fountain pens I tend to be a lot more comfortable with cheap fountain pens but then I want them to be good also it's a thing I have I don't know I want it to be like really high quality but I wanted to be cheap

And cheap is a relative term

So I mean this gold nibbed fountain pen if I got it for 50 or 70 or even $100

That would be comparatively very cheap

Although it is used so that has a factor into it somewhere

But back to this $40 one it is pretty wet and I have always thought that I liked wet fountain pens

and I've always thought that I liked fountain pens that were very smooth and glassy

But the other day I pulled out this 598 fountain pen and I was riding with it again comparing it to this $40 one that's really smooth and glassy

And I found that I really kind of enjoyed the toothiness of the other one which I hadn't really realized had a toothiness to it until I was listening to it and comparison to the glassy one

Also it has a sweet spot on it so like if you rotate your hand it would actually stop writing because it won't impact the paper properly

part of that is because it doesn't have the little ball on the end and I always thought the little ball on the end just always came on the end but I found that I really prefer not to have that little ball

that little ball on the end is like training wheels or some s*** it's irritating

But I tend to buy medium fountain pens because of all the wet and smooth and whatever

But I have this fountain pen that I bought I don't know a few years ago and it's it's a wing sung

Which is Chinese and I think it's supposed to be kind of a knock off of the twisby

But it is a fine point pen and it doesn't have the little ball on it and I really really like it but I broke it

When I was filling it cuz it's got like a piston or vacuum or something which I like

And it has a big ink capacity and I'm still riding with it but not very often because I broke the filling mechanism so whatever ink is in there is all the ink there is and then depends not going to be usable unless I take it somewhere to get it fixed which will cost more than buying a new pen so I won't be doing that

But anyway that kind of confluence of events of the my brain can't focus let me do a comparison of three fountain pens

Sort of made me realize that some of the things that I had thought I would not like about that 3776 initially when I saw reviews for it that might be exactly what I'm looking for rather than something I wouldn't like

So That's just where all that came from

Plus the 3776 has never struck me as a particularly attractive pen I like the clip but the body of the pin it's just very very plain traditional old school whatever boring but this one is the nice model so it's got not full on octagonal body but slight cornering to it so it's a little more interesting plus it's completely transparent instead of just being translucent so it becomes a demonstrator which I like

Did I mention the wing sung was fine nibbed

And this one is fine and also

It's also kind of a lilacy Pink

Maybe with rose gold hardware

Although in the picture it looks more white so it might be the rhodium plated but there's no mention of that and the nice model come standard with rose gold

So see more checking in

Not necessarily more interesting

Okay I'm prepared to entertain the idea that sleeping gives me a headache that seems crazy but if I always wake up with a headache I don't know maybe I'm allergic to sleep

Also although I did sleep until what like 3:30 I didn't go to sleep until 7:30 so that isn't that long

I was having a very weird dream when I woke up

I had gotten a job for an office doing like I don't know I guess some kind of desk job type job but I didn't actually start doing that job

I'm going to guess it had something to do with the quarantine but in the dream I was just working like out at their farm or something

So then it was time for me to actually start working in the office but I couldn't I didn't know what time I was supposed to start and I didn't have any information so I went to the office that I had been to before

and I was like hey I'm supposed to start tomorrow I don't know what time I'm supposed to start and they're like well at which building are you supposed to start and I'm like well this is the building I came to before

And they're like that doesn't mean this is where you're working and I'm like okay well for work or something

And they were having some kind of a it wasn't a party but it wasn't a meeting it was some kind of a function like a book club or something I don't know some weird

And they just did not seem to be real interested in me like when things didn't happen when they were supposed to they kind of just decided they weren't going to happen but didn't bother to tell me

And then there was another part or a different dream I'm not sure

And maybe it was two different parts because I was walking around talking to a girl about recovery

Which is what you call it when you go around the whole store and you straighten the shelves so that it looks okay for the next day for people to come in

But I was talking about clothes

And I'm not even sure if they call it clothes call it recovery with clothes

But I was talking all about how with shirts they don't button anything and they leave them in a big water-up pile

but with shoes they put them back in the box and stock the box they don't stock it neatly but they do put the shoes back in and stack it

Is that true I have no idea

But I was working in like I don't know a cafeteria or something

and I don't know if that was related to the office job that was a completely different job I'm not sure

But she was talking about how some of the furniture boxes she straightened had some kind of code on them that was for return and it was so they were dead

And the guy who was sitting at the table got up and was like oh I need to go take care of that because apparently he was like a manager of that place but I hadn't known that

And I had been looking like I was goofing around talking

And I had in the sensibility of my mind in the dream been giving away important proprietary information about the place I've been working which I hadn't mentioned

but I look down and I'm wearing a red apron with the name of the place embroidered across the front of it which why am I wearing that here

so then I felt like well I'm not going to keep this job they're going to fire me because I was doing bad on multiple counts

And then I was in a group of people and I was talking about somebody who I used to work with who was a manager of a coffee shop

And I was trying to see if maybe I could work there in some capacity

But I wasn't just asking the manager I was kind of weirdly talking to somebody else that worked there

And it seemed like she was having to do pretty much everything by herself

I mean she had staff she wasn't working there alone but she was having to do all the running of the place herself

she was doing all the order receiving and all the scheduling and all the tasks

Contour employees were all like baristas who were just they are making the coffee but everything else that goes into running a coffee shop which there is quite a bit besides just making coffee

She was having to do and I'm like Jesus she must be getting really tired

So like ostensibly I was all caring about her but there was a way in which I was really just trying to work an angle

And I don't think I was fooling anybody

And there was all this information that I knew in my head about a store that was close by and things that had happened there and why she didn't have anybody transfer from that store to help her and some things that had happened in the community that had made her feel like it was unsafe to have anybody else help her

It was all this information but don't remember the details of it and I don't know why it was important for the dream even

And when I woke up I thought well skipping the shaman tincture didn't really help me any I still have a headache I'm super congested I mean bad

But I'm pretty sure it's allergies and possibly because I'm not sleeping with my head as elevated which would make it drain down more although it did manage to drain plenty because I'm coughing

Crystal ceiling fan is on and there's a standing rotating fan too and the AC is on and it's a really really comfortable temperature in the bed

so I was just laying here and thinking well you know my head hurts really bad and I'm all congested but damn otherwise I am super comfortable

And I always like it when I have that awareness of being comfortable

It's really just a temperature thing though because physically I'm not at all comfortable I mean there's all that stuff I mentioned with the headache and stuff but also I got slept a little funny

and perhaps the pickles are not as low sodium as they claim because my ankles feel a little stiff

So I'm about to enjoy the part of my day where I go from being horizontal to vertical which is to say I don't usually enjoy that very much

I am disappointed that I dreamed about working though I did request not to but I guess I didn't listen

I hope that you are doing well

I love you very much ❤️

I'm going to get up and stagger around for a little while and make some coffee go to the bathroom whatever

Maybe it's too early to tell

But I feel like I'm a little less whatever I was depressed or unhappy or flat affect or I don't know Insanity

I feel a little more like I can handle it today although who can say

But I promise to check in more

and yet more nite chat: 5:21

i would like to be all dreamy and romantic
i know that would be better
words of love
you could probably use some
words of love

i love you
you have been so much
through all of this
that even if i didn't love you already
i would love you now
i don't love you less
that's not what's going on here
i'm just kinda losing it
like
maybe i'm stir crazy
or
really
what i think is happening
my brain is trying to go too many directions at once
and it's just sort of shorting out

anyway
i'm sorry
i'm not being as supportive as i would like to be
and i'm not giving you what you want, for sure
and maybe not what you need, either
i'm gonna try to pull it together
i promise
please don't stop loving me for not being entertaining enough
and please don't take that as an insult
i don't really think you'd do that
but
it's a fear
left over from childhood
that i had to say out loud

goodnight sweetheart
i think you are wonderful
and i will try to be more
more
tomorrow
i love you very much

more nite chat: 5:21

i want something
idk what it is though
not margaritas
i'm bypassing that
i just had some chocolate
turns out not that either
i had some tomatoes

when i got up
i had toast
then later i had a really basic chicken salad sandwich
i had a couple chicken thighs
i cut that up
put in two pickles
some mayo
put it on bread
and called it a sandwich
and
i didn't really enjoy it at all

i feel like
i've just been feeding the cat
continually
and peeing
i don't think i'm doing either of those things
more than once an hour
and probably not that much
but
that's what it feels like

i had two giant cups of coffee
three or four giant glasses of tea
and a pretty big cup of devil's club
so
i think the peeing
is not from any sort of condition
just lots of fluids

i want something

i have those pinquito beans
they came out delicious
i oranges
i have things i could cook
eggs, for example, lots of eggs
pancakes, i could make pancakes
i have crackers and cream cheese
i might have mushrooms left-- i think i do
i could have a cream cheese mushroom omelet
there aren't any chips
but i don't want chips
there are peanuts, some peanut butter
sunflower butter, hemp butter
there's popcorn i could make
there are soup options
of various sorts
there are vegetables
not like every one known to man
but an assortment of
ones i like

cottage cheese sounds good
i don't have cottage cheese
because i don't generally buy it
dairy, i try to keep dairy to a minimum
non-fat cottage cheese with honey on top
and a big glass of pickle juice

this doesn't sound normal, does it

salt water taffy

i have dates
no, too sweet
i thought i had it there

also
i want a platinum 3776 fountain pen
it's just ridiculous
i do not need a new fountain pen
i have fountain pens
i just watched a video about it
and then it stuck
and i looked on ebay
and there's a used one that was thirty dollars
but the bid is up to fifty
and there's a day and a half left
there's no way it's not going to go up
and even if it didn't
i do not need a new fountain pen
that would not be a good use of fifty dollars

i want a bunch of stuff
that's just what i'm having to tell myself no to
right now

i have dandelion greens coming tomorrow
and more mushrooms
and more pickles
and tomatoes
and raisin bread
and cauliflower (really?)
some vegan cheese (might be good)
some potato chips
chocolate covered raisins
some bell peppers
some ground turkey
and
a mini watermelon

now i want cigarettes
i pretty much never crave cigarettes
i want gauloise blonde
which they don't even make anymore
because they are "light" cigarettes
but only if you are comparing them to french cigarettes
they aren't any lighter than marlboro reds

nite chat: 5:21

i may make margaritas
maybe
but
i think i'm gonna take a break
from the shaman tincture
i have two pickles left
but i really want to drink the juice
i've already had three pickles today
i don't really want to eat the other two
but i want the pickle juice bad

i'm still collecting yellow flowered plants
mullein, it turns out, has yellow flowers
mullein has great lung affinity
and apparently makes good toilet paper leaves
so there's that

i don't have a lot really interesting to say
i watched the morning show
it was good
i'm not sure it got very good reviews
but
i thought it was well done
it dealt with a lot of stuff
in a way that it doesn't usually get dealt with
and while i'm not sure
that it didn't kind of cheat the ending
it was generally worth watching

maybe the reason it didn't get higher reviews
has something to do with that somewhat
lack luster referral

oh well

i hope you had a good day
i'm sorry i'm not contributing more
to the landscape today
or yesterday
i'm generally feeling pretty flat

i don't think there's much to be done about it
i just need to snap out of it
tht's part of why i think
maybe the margaritas
and no to the other thing

i will tell you something that i give a big thumbs up to
aside from pickles and pickle juice
devil's club tea
it is the bomb
i'm not kidding
it is so like coffee in it's happy reassurance-ness
but
not stimulating like caffeine
so it's just a nice thing to drink while you unwind
or
i've started just having a jar steeping at all times
and most mornings
well, not really mornings
but most days i actually have a big sip of cold
steeped all "night" devil's club tea
just to start things off
before i even have coffee
which i'm still having
also
i'm having to run the air conditioner now
quite a bit
because like right now
it's seventy seven degrees and humid
which is gross
and this is the coolest part of the day
if it's seventy five or six i might be able to switch it
to fan, but over that, it has to be a/c
it's just the way it is
it's set at about seventy five or six
and the ceiling fans and or standing rotational fans
they are going depending which room
but all the rooms have to have fans
well the kitchen doesn't
which is a shame
but it just doesn't lend itself to that
but
it's end of may
so it's been summer here for well over a month
and it will be
until end of october

ok
i can't focus
i'm going to publish this
and i'll come back

I'm up

Had a very complicated dream

About sitting at the tables at a fast food restaurant outside

And they were pretty torn up and then there were some people who were taking up a bunch of tables not because they were there eating but because they were from the town and they were using them for various things

It's not clear to me if I was from the same town or if I was there traveling I'm just not sure at this point

Then there was a person who was not me

Who was engaged

and she's kind of like a bridezilla even though she wasn't actually getting married at that moment but it was like the fact that she was engaged to this person made a lot of importance for her

but then at some point she was kind of dressed somewhere between a bride and a very princess she had this big kind of Cinderella ball gown that she was wearing all the time

But then she had some kind of big revelation

About herself as a person

and I don't really remember I just remember that all of a sudden she had big dark circles under her eyes and she was looking in the mirror and it was like I was looking in the mirror but it still wasn't me it was her so I guess I can a movie when you got one of those really big close-ups and she had dark circles under her eyes

and then she realized that her whole life needed to change because she had dark circles

It was very very detailed and in depth and I wish I could explain exactly what it all meant but I can't

I can't even really provide all of the details obviously

But it was like the whole dynamic of the world she lived in was played out through this movie that my dream was

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/YtWrp7wj9aU/maxresdefault.jpg

how does this bear look for a model

big teeth showing fierce

would look more like what we think of as bear

but

this one seemed compassionate

idk

what do you think

nite chat: 5:20

i hope you are doing well
i also hope you understood the significance
and didn't think i was being sassy
because i was not

i don't feel good
i'm about ready to give up the shaman tincture experiment
i feel like it is making me boring
which was not what i was going for
i'm up to 80 drops
and i don't feel like it's doing anything
i feel slightly drunk
but
less creative
100 drops would be a teaspoon
so still not a large amount

i guess i did tell it to help me solve my problems
rather than telling it to make me more productively creative
specifically, but still

of course i could be maligning it
maybe i'm just depressed or something
but
idk
i feel somewhat anxious
and like i'm trapped a little
i should probably leave the house
or at least go outside

i wish i would stop dreaming about working
unless i'm going to work someplace more interesting

i keep asking the cards
what is the most important thing i need to know
and it keeps saying you you you
so
i guess i need to know
that you are the most important thing
and i do know that
but
i'm worried about a bunch of stuff that i don't think
you are going to be able to fix for me
even if you wanted to
and
i've never had the impression that what you wanted
was to solve all my problems for me
and besides
i'm not that good at letting people solve my problems
i'm difficult

so anyway
i had nachos for dinner
and i have an interesting historical factoid

about the kennedy assination
this makes the most sense of anything that i've heard
maybe you've heard this
but
it was new to me

ok
so we know about oswald
but he only fired two bullets
and only one hit the motorcade
and his was not the bullet that hit kennedy in the head, right
that bullet came from behind
and i always figured that was grassy knoll
but
apparently
after they had computer programs
that could map it all out
the ballistics expert who had worked on the report
he went back and mapped it
and it was the secret service car

the secret service had mostly been out drinking the night before
so the junior officer had been issued an AR-15
which was new and he wasn't very familiar with it
when the shooting started
the motorcade initially wasn't sure what was happening
and it slowed down
he stood up in the car and prepared to fire
then the motorcade sped off
he lost his balance
fell backwards
and discharged a few rounds
so
the secret service
accidentally shot kennedy in the head
and then covered it up

now
i mean
i wasn't there
but
doesn't that sound more believable

of course
it still doesn't explain what ruby was about
so there still could have been a conspiracy
i guess
this maybe doesn't clean up every loose end
but

and i'm not sure why i'm going into all this
maybe you're not interested

i just haven't got much i can tell you about me

i hear birds
they sound like they are coming from the chimney
but
i think it's actually the fan needs to be oiled or something
yes
i'm almost sure it's the fan
but
i was initially thinking birds in the chimneu
but
it's not a functional fireplace
it's an electric fire
without the electric fire
so chimney isn't open

i guess the anxiety is back though
because not only am i worried about zombie flu
and work and general stuff
but
i was worried you were mad at me five different ways
before i decided that you're not mad at me at all

and not the cat is vomiting
joy

my mother is pushing for some kind of face to face

but
i have almost worked out an herbal medicine
i also studied cannabis tinctures
and you might enjoy to make one

if you take it sublingually
it's faster than edibles
and it's easier on your lungs
supposedly if you use pga (like everclear, for example)
it only takes three hours to get an extraction
that's pretty fast

also
there's some kind of certification for
cannabis trainer
i can't really understand what that means
why do you need a trainer
for cannabis
obvi
that wouldn't work for me here now
but
i guess it bears more looking into, maybe

here's the link for cannabis tincture recipe

i love you very much sweetheart