SO

I don't know that any of this

actually went into a "decision"

EXACTLY

BUT

here goes

I have issues

and I knew I was gonna have issues

because I have all this stuff

BUT

I was not expecting what happened exactly

and then I couldn't shake it

I couldn't work it out by myself

so I thought THERAPY was a good idea

BUT

I didn't really want to talk about my issues

because they aren't normal

and I don't have any reason to think

some rando is qualified to arbitrate my shit

ya know

I just wanted help

figuring out what I WANT

ya know

AND

I didn't talk about you

BUT

I kinda did in an extremely oblique way

There is all this stuff about friendship

and CONNECTION, I say

PEOPLE don't really contribute much to me, I say

if all that STUFF is right

I am gonna need like a whole strategy

for finding THE PEOPLE

THOUGHTS?

AND

He's like what do you want from friends

AND I'M ALL LIKE

I JUST WANT SOME MENTAL STIMULATION

every once in a while

BUT

I'm not asking you about what I want

I'm asking you about your professional opinion about what I need

AND

he busts out

ONLINE

HUH, I muse

that is what I DID DO

BUT

it all seemed a little fast and loose

ya know

He's not really prepared to do what I want him to 

I want to analyze THINGS

but I have issues and baggage

and I'm not objective

Blah blah blah

which is I think part of why I want the vegetal mother to tell me how to fix my shit

in some ahyahuasca (sp?) ceremony or summat

I'm looking around for guidance

and the books he's recommending are not cutting it

I found one

everything it was saying was

like exactly what I wanted to hear

I wasn't just looking for the actual meat in a sea of watery gravy

IT WAS ON POINT

it was called The 12 WEEK YEAR

however

when I got to VISION

I didn't have one

YES, of course that is my problem

I kinda knew that

BUT

NOW I really know it, right

SO

I tried some other books but NO

AND of course

I ended up just acknowledging that 

the VISION GUY is Tony Robbins

and felt weird about it

BUT

I wasn't wrong about it

I've been listening to 

UNLEASH the POWER WITHIN

ALWAYS MAKE DECISIONS from a PEAK STATE

I wasn't planning on going ape shit on you

I was planning on figuring out

exactly what I needed

setting boundaries and blah blah

because I have shit glomped on

that's cultural

that's daddy issues

that's my own excuse/justification process

I had to parce that out

BUT

I've been in a PEAK STATE a lot lately

AND something set me off

and I was all like

I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS

Blah blah fuck you

And he was right

I DID know

BUT

that was the BEGINNING of the process

He has a whole thing

That is ESSENTIALLY the same as my

YOU HAVE to ACTUALLY WANT

(to CHANGE)

NOT JUST WANT TO WANT TO

Except he calls it a must instead of a should

AND he talks about ways to get there

which I'm familiar, ya know

BUT

it was VERY helpful to have it

TALKED TO ME, somehow

IT'S NOT ENOUGH

TO STOP

YOU HAVE TO REPLACE the thing you NEED

or you throw yourself into the problem

you are using the behavior to AMELIORATE

SO

IF YOU ARE AN ADDICTION

(which is a model we have used

for a long fucking time)

WHAT can I replace you with

NOTHING

BUT

it was BROKEN

so I couldn't just CONTINUE

or STOP

I TOLD the therapist

I DID KNOW what I wanted to do

BUT that it wasn't a thing I could do

SHAMAN

He's like

OH that's a THERAPIST

You could get into a program

and be doing therapy almost right away

with supervision

YOU WOULD BE AWESOME

I'm not sure I would like that

I say

I'm not looking for something I CAN DO

I'm looking for what I WANT

I couldn't articulate quite what I wanted in SHAMAN

that was distinct from helping with

(Big Complicated stuff)

BUT NOW I CAN

It's ANALYSIS, yes

BUT

it's ALSO

MYSTICAL

POETRY

ART

There's a NECESSARY

ELEMENT of CREATION/CREATIVE ENERGY

AND

GOD GAVE YOU to ME

AND ME to YOU

it doesn't have to do with petty quotidian

BOY -- GIRL STUFF

THE ENERGY RUNS THROUGH THAT

BUT

it's MORE than THAT

BUT it all got SO CONCENTRATED 

and PERSONAL 

in the pandemic

AND

MIXED IN

AND THEN

I had that I HAVE COMPLETELY FABRICATED

THIS ENTIRE THING

there was even one reality

where your wife was thanking me for my service

because

I had fabricated everything

you never cared about me at all

but had my shit foisted up on you

BUT

it was helpful fodder for the mill

ya know

and that was a pretty low moment

all the whole listening to CONSTITUTIONAL SCHOLARS podcasting

there was more

BUT

I couldn't not tell you that I loved you

I HAVE THIS THING

ABOUT NEEDING to BE THE ONE

AND

I was what amounts to

COSMICALLY BUTT-HURT

MAYBE

(probably an over-simplification)

I was all tied up in the concept of 

CONSENT/ABUSE

Because those are VERY REAL

for me

BUT my BOUNDARY SETTING

is SOLID

it just shouldn't really apply

in the same way

to 

MAGIC