I feel like if I DON'T talk
then I'm being some kind of way
BUT
if I DO talk
I'm ALSO being some kind of way
SO
I DON'T KNOW what is the right thing
is it ONLY about how we feel
is it not ALSO about how we THINK?
I find myself
Uh oh like three things at once
some of them about you
some of them about me
SO
since I don't feel SAFE asking ANY of those questions
I will forge on with THEORY
which is really question two
in the form of a discussion
How close am I
How close are you
To who we REALLY are
insofar as THAT is even a THING
I'm confident I've imbued you with traits
YOU don't have
I don't think they matter
When I say I love you
I'm sure you have imagined things about me
that are not true
probably they don't matter
I'm less sure
I can remember reading something you wrote
before I had ever met you
and thinking
I WANT THAT TURNED TOWARDS ME
I said that
probably literally aloud
I probably actually said DIRECTED
alliteration is poetic license
SO
NO MATTER WHAT
I am NOT complaining
AND
I find myself asking myself
WHY do you NEED to know what is going on
We are venturing off question two
ON TO
one of the questions I don't want to ask myself
WHY can't you just GO
AND
I think it has to do with ME
I would say
I want to know
WHAT I'm doing
BUT
I'm not sure that's true
Because if I DO know what I'm doing
and it isn't X
then I might not be able to actually DO it
because I was always trying to
get to know you
I was never just whatever, ya know
SO
if I go
I have to believe X
and then if X isn't true
I'm DESTROYED, right
THAT has been my model
NOW
the PERSON I love
I SHOULD be able to see them
without all that BS, right?
BUT I don't have THAT model yet
I had one more in the old model
AND
it BROKE me
I'm trying to put myself back together
AND
I want YOU in my future
I MEAN ACTUALLY
I want you in my present, too
BUT
I am in this present moment
FEELING
as though
I DON'T want to do THAT
LIKE THE REASON you acted like you didn't recognize me
was like a PATTERN INTERUPTION
like you wanted to FREE ME
BECAUSE you care about me, really
like, ya know, we
and then we figure out
what that means
and how we are
understanding that
it may actually be necessary to not be together
both because
you know
and because
the day to day maybe kills the POETRY
or
because we might be whatever
dramatically impractical in our love strategies
or just a variety of things
coming down to steps
shown work
blah blah
X
is this making any sense?
