OK

something you would have

no particular WAY to know ABOUT me

if anyone PROMISES me anything

it pretty much

MEANS nothing

in my EXPERIENCE people SAY whatever

& maybe they mean it 

when they SAY it

OR

maybe they don't

but it doesn't translate to MEANING

BUT

when someone SAYS

I NEVER promised you blah blah

whether that's TRUE or not

the MEANING I associate to THAT is

BAD ACTOR

MOST people it's pretty easy to tell

what you can EXPECT

BUT

you NOT so much

you never quite give me enough

POINTS to make a line, ya know

which is COMPLETELY understandable

BUT

a little SKETCHY too

if you know what I mean

AND

I don't know how AWARE you are of your PATTERNS

BUT you radiate I NEED YOU

pretty LOUDLY when it's been a while

and you insinuate things

which I KNOW aren't promises

and which UNIFORMLY do not come to pass

THEN

when I complain that I didn't get

what I NEEDED out of the experience

the vibe I get is BAD ACTOR

I never really base my understanding of

my relationship with anyone

on what they SAY

SO

I TRY to leave

you clearly want me not to

that's what I KNOW 

BUT

I KEEP coming back to

HE BROKE MY BRAIN he doesn't CARE about me

enough not to just WILLY NILLY

BREAK MY BRAIN

he FULL ON triggered a DOOR SLAM

& then he wants to CRITIQUE the outcome

which DID NOT include

the DOOR SLAM he SO SO clearly ASKED for

THIS has been a big problem for me

WHAT the f*CK did he THINK he was doing

I don't actually believe that you WERE

trying to free me

& it's CLEAR that you didn't get

whatever the expected outcome

AND

I tried to use everything that I know about you

but I kept getting STUCK

SO

my best GUESS is that you thought

if I just HAD the MOMENT

& lived through it

that it would like RESET or something

BUT

that isn't how I operate

I'm NOT a free flowing in the MOMENT person

YOU think I am because I SEEM like that

from the OUTSIDE

all those little "in the moment" things

are like meditation one with the UNIVERSE

& I am looking for messages ALWAYS

I think for you

the POSSIBILITY of the moment

anything could happen

is part of the EXPERIENCE

BUT

I haven't really ever experienced any of our time

since well at least the last time

you looked at me

LIKE you were happy to see me*

in this way

SO

it's been like he needs me

I love him

I have to go

and he will do the thing he does

and I will cry

oh what fun

AND

I say I'm not going to do this again EVER

and then you radiate I NEED YOU

& I can't make you suffer

ALTHOUGH

I don't actually believe you ARE suffering

I have TRIED to explain

if I experienced our time together

the way you do

I'm sure it would be different

BUT

I CAN'T not try to make it MEAN something

and I'm not lying or making up all that

MISSION from God shit

I think you think I AM

BUT I'm not

SO

always constantly

HOW is this the mission

NOT

oh look at the pretty boy make nice words

oooo fun fun he like me a little mmm mmmm

SO

whether it was helpful or not

I took the mission of being your muse

your guardian angel

WHATEVER else worked it's way in there

I did all that with the driving FORCE

that NO ONE ever asks for

AND mostly no one WANTS

BUT

YOU DID

but I didn't actually have much FUN

I don't want to be RESPONSIBLE for you

any more

I KNOW you didn't ASK for that

BUT you didn't refuse it either

if that makes any SENSE

I KNOW that probably a lot

of what you think and feel about me

is an ABSTRACTION

it's LIKE a creative ritual

and that dovetails nicely with my

SHAMANISTIC thing

AND

the reason I specifically said things

like I know you need to NOT

tell me things

so that I can maintain belief

was because I KNEW

it was NOT true

but

I didn't WANT to KNOW

HOW not true it was

I KNEW what I KNEW and I didn't

WANT to know anymore that that

BECAUSE

I KNEW what I KNEW

for whatever reason

YOU NEEDED ME

& THAT was ENOUGH

my mother said it was all you USING me

way BACK

when I was trying to be friends with her before

AND

I gotta SAY

that saved your BACON

MORE than once

because my MOM doesn't know

SHIT about human interaction

if she says it

it has BY DEFINITION

GOT to be WRONG

PLUS the tarot reader in SANTA CRUZ

the second reading

inextricably LISTEN to the ANGELS

& I'm all like

the f*CK ANGELS?!

BUT

then there was that reading

with the ANGELS TAROT

NOTHING can dissuade him from 

LOVING you

&

I KNOW how long men's attention span

about some rando woman is

&

I KNOW you aren't as young and 🔥 as you were

BUT I'm SURE you still have women

INTERESTED ENOUGH

& I was NEVER trying to be 🔥

it CAN only ever have been ME

not my LOOKS or whatever

PLUS

I'm NOT easy

I'm HELLA difficult

I just don't think there's ANY way

you don't KINDA love me

BUT

then I get BAD ACTOR vibe

& I don't trust you

AND I don't really WANT

oooo oooo pretty boy make nice words

he like me a little mmm mmmm

ya know

I WANT some sort of MEANING

I'm flexible about WHAT it is

AND

I'm trying to get to the place

where I say

I have need for MAGIC

this makes magic for me

& I can take that magic and use it

to CREATE something else

BUT

I don't want to be USED for my magic

which I have a shit-ton of

& people have used it ALL MY LIFE

BUT

I was telling the therapist about

some of my super powers

&

WHEN I said it

it became clearer

I have this way of holding all possibilities

AT ONCE as real

it's kinda a QUANTUM thing

& I can hold em SPINNING for a long time

BUT then

I don't always pick the REALITY

that's best for me

& tony robbins

showed me

that I COULD

& THEN I had

SINGING in the RAIN in my head

& I THINK I might be able to

ANCHOR to it

SO

DON'T give me bad actor vibes

& I won't be responsible for you

RESET

(I think)

*2009