hello

look here instead

the hawk called behind me
what
oh
that's the one

i want a tattoo

i want a tattoo of a joshua tree

it's completely irrational

and desert
it's not just dry
it's covered with prickly

the light shimmers off the rocks like a stadium of diamonds
the clouds transcend the third dimension

the world, is alive

tonight's reading

how does he think i'm doing

what does he want me to know

what could i tell him right now that would make him happy

should i post this

joshua tree national park may 2014 (unfinished)

the water at 29 palms inn was deep desert well water
delicious right out of the tap
i couldn't get enough of it
i had trouble choosing the place to stay and this was the right decision
always trust your gut

i almost stayed at the joshua tree inn
but it seemed too funky
and the haunting angle was sub optimal
i can't recall ever using that word before
but the last few days
it was like my new word or something

the harmony inn
not only had a great name going for it
it was where U2 stayed when they wrote joshua tree
[which, i mean, they must have stayed multiple places]
but it wasn't maybe funky enough

there was the pioneer town
which seemed like a cool concept
but the pictures of the rooms online
looked like country threw up
it reminded me of every arts and crafts show we ever did

there was an america's best value inn in yucca valley
that had a room that looked like a cave
which seemed kinda neat
but also kitchy
with spa tub
but
i was going to the desert
it seemed wrong to subvert that theme
besides
yucca valley wasn't funky enough

what i wanted was someplace that felt natural
the video pretty much sold me
but the room photos pretty much sealed it
she should have mentioned the tap water

anyway
enough about the room
it was located actually conjoining the park, i think
at the oasis of mara
which sounded like something i'd want to do but i did not

i went instead to explore the town
and though the health food & beer and wine store in joshua tree
was hysterical and appealing
it was the used book store raven's bookshop in 29 palms
that pulled me in
it's funny that i always find book shops on vacation

i bought a tiny little emerson
[selections from self-reliance, friendship, compensation
and other great writings]
a book of kenneth rosen poems
[new to rosen
the cover called
a quick flip through brought some raw
but at the same time
borderline pretentiously academic
images
and the forward note included the word psychopomp]
south america of the poets
discussing the culture and politics of the countries
through the poet as metaphor
[i think that made sense]
ink line drawing illustration
cooking fish and shellfish
with pretty blue pencil illustrations
of fish butchery
but not one picture of a completed dish
and
seven arrows
[which i don't think i ever owned
but meant to buy many times]

insert section/s later

so
the second day
i went to the park
at the visitor center
the ranger was asking a young couple
[late twenties early thirties]
if they wanted to camp in the park
the woman struggled to conceal shock
no, they both almost shuddered, in unison
he was circling their map
speaking with the kind of practiced patter that the brain won't absorb well
i tried to listen

if i just have a day or two, i asked
where should i go to just, ya know, get a general feeling for the park

he directed me to the inner loop
about thirty five miles starting in 29 palms [there]
ending in joshua tree
circling the same things as he talked to me that he had for them
i was dubious

i drove to the entry/pay
the woman told me my fifteen dollar pass was good for 7 days
[i think that's kind of genius
i mean when you think about it
that's like a movie, almost
but
i could see people grumbling
i'm just driving through it, i don't want to pay so much
after all i won't really be using the place at all
to which they can smile and say
yes, but it's good for a full week

ok, i said to her
i have the world's worst map skills
is there any way i can get lost

if you stay on the main road it will take you out at joshua tree

i have enough gas for about 200 miles
there is no way that isn't enough, right

well, you won't get good mileage driving that slow
would be at the low range
but it's thirty-eight miles
so, i'd say, yeah, you should be good

awesome, thanks



i would like to tell you that i was in a convertible just like the one in fear and loathing
that at thirty-five miles an hour my hair was whipping behind me
like it did when my father had the convertible tomato red beetle
where i might have stood up or who knows what
because seat belts what are those
but i cannot tell you that

as a child, even
go outside and play
was not such a good idea
about two hours playing outside in the summer
and i'd be vomiting with mild heat stroke
i got a bad sunburn, every year

i am using sun damage reversal products
[no whammies on the skin cancer, please]
i coated my exposed body with spf fifty
my face i finally found the perfect bb cream
it's untinted
you may laugh
i'm pale

in college
i was at a tracy chapman show
great local small venue
and she had a band-aid on her arm
she was talking about what bullshit it was that that was flesh colored
it was like a revelation to me
i had always thought it was weird that they were brown

anyway
sunscreen, check
windows up, check
air conditioner cranked, check
water at the ready, check

my chemical romance cover of desolation row, playing
on repeat

i was driving
but i was trying not to zone out to numbness
i was
i don't know what i was

a car turned off on a road to the left

should i turn there

is there any way you could call that staying on the main road

no

so there you go

ok, not turning


i got to the first really good stand of joshua trees
and i was thinking that i really wanted to get out, take some pictures
but
it was so so bright

when, suddenly it wasn't

well, it was
but it wasn't
it took me a few seconds to figure out what was going on

there was a cloud, immediately above me, blocking the sun

wait, what
there's a black cloud over my head

but it wasn't really
it was beautiful

that's gotta be a sign

i got out of the car
i took pictures

i started to cry
just alligator tears, my family used to call them
rising up and dropping over
running down my face
i guess
without the drama they weren't real enough

you've always been so good to me, i said
looking up at the cloud again



so, if we aren't using the map, how will we decide when to get out and walk around

how do you think

right, just checking

i checked my arms for sunburn
which was pointless anyway
my sunburn never develops till hours after the fact
by the time i'm pink
it'll be like a third degree burn
blistering
chills

why is it, you think, that you love the desert so much

don't know
don't think i could explain it with words

didn't want to listen to desolation row
searched around on the tracks
don't wanna change discs
just like a woman
too whiny, self-involved
dylan's dream
bryan ferry, no
man of peace
not quite
times they are a changin
flogging molly, ok

drink some water
start driving again

the road
i could say it twisted and turned
but
i think meandered would be more accurate
the sun was high in the sky
everything was bright, and beautiful, and waiting

here

no

how about here

no

wait, is that one even on the map

ooooo hall of horrors

seriously

yes, seriously
look at how pretty that is
doesn't look very horrifying to me
why do you think they call it that

insert section/s


normally when i go on a road trip i put more thought into music
i never really listen to cds anymore except when i'm on the road
and i keep the road cds in a basket
but
this time
i didn't grab the music till i was walking out the door
and the only one that was in the basket was
chimes of freedom
it's three discs
and it's pretty good
i did some road trip to california where that was pretty much all i played anyway
so i thought, what the hell, ya know

the last time
the songs that stuck out to me the most
that i played over and over on repeat were
you're gonna make me lonesome when you go
make you feel my love
just like a woman
baby let me follow you down
i want you
i'll remember you
and most especially
don't think, twice it's alright

this time
those were good songs, sure
but i didn't connect with them, really
it was a completely different set on the way in
blind willie mctell
love sick
quinn the eskimo
one too many mornings
mama you been on my mind
outlaw blues
and most especially
bob dylan's 115th dream
and
one more cup of coffee for the road

the ride home was different songs
not dark yet
love minus zero/no limit
this wheel's on fire
all alone the watchtower
changing of the guard
but when i finally settled into
tryin to get to heaven before they close the door
i had to buy new cds

a virtual patchwork of oddity

ok
when I woke up at 5 something
I had been in this art town
and we were buying
glassware
these beautiful bowls
they came as a set
something they kept calling parfait bowls
clear with a confetti pattern of light sky blue
and a larger bowl swirling cobalt
then
we went to a woodworker
enormous solid table tops
I think the one we like the best
was a purple so dark it looked like ebony
then, like I said, I woke up
and I felt you so strongly
but
specifically
sexually
I been feeling you for days
and proximity matters I guess
I guess we already knew that
but
once I had to get out of the car
couldn't drive for the spasms

then
after I went back to sleep
I told you I was going to
do some sort of vlogging
or show
you said
yeah, you should

but then
before I woke up now
well, not now, but most recently
I was working for some big box type place
only a little smaller than big
and I was trying to help this guy
with his video tape rewinder issue
so, shit
what year is that
what the hell does that mean
he wanted to buy, something
be was worried about our quality
I told him our quality was good
he started telling me about the rewinder
I said
bring it in, we'll refund your money
he said
I threw it away
I can try to get you a number for someone
in corporate
who might give you something
I said
but you really shouldn't have thrown it away

what does that mean

the chorus in my head

say
that you'll think I slept with somebody
but
that's ridiculous

I can't even get you to tell me
whether you wanna sleep with me

you would have no right to be angry
at all
about that

so
if that was worrying you
forget that

it's not fair to tell you you'd be mad
and then not tell you
so
I will
later

i'm writing a story, i think

there's stuff
that, as a friend, I think I should tell you
but
then you might be so mad at me
you wouldn't love me any more
so
maybe not

anyway
whatever
I love you

you started making kid's shows

I'm not sure they were animated
in fact, no, they weren't
you were doing them yourself
and animation is kinda a big job
but they weren't all live action either
so, puppets, maybe
not sure
first you just made a few
but
then
suddenly
others got involved
production values went up
I think you had friends helping with voice work

and you had this yearly
I don't know
festival
celebration
whatever
called family week

and I accidentally came to see you then
you were crawling with middle aged
whatever you call what yuppies become
when they're middle aged
and these people were
I mean, hardcore, into you
I couldn't get near you

then
I dreamed I was a clerk or something
in a court
one day I was out
and this woman filled in for me
when I got back
she was telling me about her friend
who had an unrully teenage daughter
and
they had crushed her car
to get her back in line
she was african american
and I knew her and her two younger daughters
but I'm bad with names
and I'm not that into people's kids
and I called the one girl
by the other one's name
and that was it
total frost over

i had volunteered

I was filling in as an assistant manager
for a mall, shopping mall
and I don't know why I did that
there were a lot of problems
I was trying to help
one of the other girls
with a money shortage issue
and one of the guys
with something else, I forget
when somebody came to tell me
the roof was leaking
big danerous wet floor situation
so, I mean, I was taking care of it
but I called the manager
told her
I realize this is my fault
I am responsible to make sure
everything, all the time
but
I was busy
and I got it as soon as I was aware
but she chewed me out anyway
bitch

then
I was at my house
but not any house I've actually live in
and mine was the only one without weeds
 then I went in
and there was this person
telling me about it
[I watched hgtv before bed]
but
there was this unobtrusive gap in the wall
what's that, I said
that's the stairway to ________'s house
[I forgot the name]
and I'm all like, wait, seriously
they just have a key to my house
and
there's no door to their house
just a stairway
this is so uncool with me

and then
right before I woke up
there was that lady knight from game of thrones
dressed up like a fire jumper

I don't know what
any of that means
but
for some reason
I feel like I'm supposed to tell you about tracey
so
maybe I'll do that
but
it's kinda sad
I don't want to right now

i can't remember much

but
I dreamed that I was talking to people I knew
some of them I know
some just in the dream
we were brainstorming
how to get
I guess you'd say
more high
techniques
lots of somatic practice
full body

then
I was telling this girl
what genius art
this little thing, mixed media something
she turned in
I was explaining technique and symbology
because
I mean
she'd just done it

then
you were saying
you didn't like pie
and
I was arguing
crust is one of the best things goin

there was more
lots more
but
I can't remember

i felt you very strongly this morning

but
now
all the cards are
like
the devil
or futility
or
the moon
is everything alright with you
everything seemed all RAD
but
now
it seems like it might be gnarly

I hope the cards are just
giving me grief

so much to tell you

there are all these little things
i bought a jar of noxzema today
i wanted a mask
and all my masks are pulling and drying
and i just don't want that
i've been overtaxing my skin for a while
and i thought of a moisture mask
but that made me think acne

and i remembered noxzema
which is supposed to be deep cleaning

this stuff is so cheap

i really ought to expect, something

but
i stopped at the grocery
because i need milk and creamer for coffee
and then
nonfat cottage cheese and fresh strawberry ice cream because i love dairy
in all it's textures
and
i went down the skin care aisle
because
i wanted a mask
and
they had a burt's bees clary sage moisture mask
that seems like something i'd buy
but then i went to check the conventional
they had almost nothing for masks
then i saw the noxzema

i seriously loved that stuff
i even, for some reason unclear to me now
used it as a sunscreen
slathering it on my arms before i would go outside

perhaps
the reason you never got any pimples
was not because you had perfect pitch skin
perhaps your obsession with skincare
was at the root

did i have an obsession with skin care

did you read that last part

whatever

i bought the big friendly blue jar
[not shaped the same, detracts]
but now with 45% less plastic
[i'm not sure how to respond to that]
and i took it home and slathered it on my face
[i cleaned my face first]
let it sit
like a mask
about 20 minutes

i scrubbed it off with my charcoal konjac

it smelled good
i mean maybe not madeleines dipped in the tea good
but still good

and it left this residue

that feels like i remember my skin feeling
like

i just can't decide what to write

i took a bath today in epsom salts
cause i feel like that helps
but
i don't really like to take baths

i like big old claw footed tubs
but even then
it just reminds me

when i was younger, lived with my mom
we didn't have a shower
we just had the tubs

this wasn't what i was used to
i had always lived in places with modern plumbing
but
this house didn't

those tubs were comfortable
and
i guess i was smaller too
but the were great, to a point
but not fast
and
i never really feel, clean

i mean
you're not washing it off
so much as sitting in it


but
today
i'm sitting in the tub
and i piece of body hair floats to the surface
and it made me think of my mom

she had decided, at one point
that it was just wasteful
to drain the water between baths
that we could all use that water
the two of us
and my step father

and
i freaked out a little

i had to explain to her
that i was not willing
no matter the consequences

if she wanted me not to drain the water after, ok

and then i thought about telling you that story
and i thought
that makes you seem mean spirited

you can't tell that story

i love you baby

what's going on

it's all I can do not to thrash
something must be going on
I don't remember my dreams
except for making espresso frapuccinos
but
you are definitely thinking of me
this morning

I love you sweetness

bed

i spent the afternoon
stretching
shifting
feeling myself sink into the foam

i hold too much tension in my body

i just needed to relax
and, i guess i hadn't been
i sprawled diagonally
curled in and over and around

i wasn't exactly pretending to spend the day in bed with you

i was remembering
what it was like to luxuriate

not
the place to collapse when i'm sick
not
the place to sleep fast
not even
the portal to the dream time

even when you are in bed with me
astrally, or imaginarily, whatever

there is a sense of containment
of being in the bed
as more of an afterthought
we are clinging to each other, and the bed is background noise

today
i felt the bed

and
what i want to dream about tonight

is luxuriating with
in
you

i dreamed that i had a story published in an anthology

I didn't know it had been
I just stumbled across it
the editor said
she had found this on old faded paper
but when she read it, it had stuck with her
for years
so she was including it
and
my name was right there
I held my breath
I started reading, because I didn't really think
that it would really be me
I didn't recognize the beginning
then
suddenly
it was my story
someone must have changed the beginning
but I remembered writing it
it was about
being in that I between state
not a child
not a woman
weaving that feeling into
some sort of universal life lesson

suddenly
I was a writer
it's like
in that moment, I owned it
everyone saw it
and
back at work
a hand full of antique coins
were between deborah's desk and the wall
I was not sure how to retrieve them
so, I just asked her
and she picked them all up
handed them to me
no problem

weird

I can't remember the story
not well enough to write it for you
but
I'm pretty sure
it is a story I actually wrote

fell asleep on the sofa like multiple times

out of sync

i'm going back to sleep, see if i can dream better

I had four phone messages
one was praising me for
an excellent purchase
some beer
but they seemed to think it was wine
another
was deborah
trying to reach me
about something
yuck
the other two
just seemed to be junk calls
not even really for me
I was happy that they weren't creditors
in dreams, if I get something, communication
like that, it's usually telling me
that I owe something I didn't know

then I was out with a group
and one girl was telling me
like group rules, or something
irritating me
and
shoshanna was telling me
that my current boss
is talking about demoting me
no, I say, that's not credible
I'm doing an excellent job
well, she says, you don't get the stuff put away
not as quickly and completely as you once did
which
maybe is true
it's sure the way I've been feeling

I'm sorry
I may not have said something you wanted me to say
doesn't mean I don't love you

I am worried and confused
about something
and
it's eating up my brainpower

thoughts, ideas

that trip with my mom
one of the things
the things i'd want to share

we went to ko"ln [i like that better]

there is a cathedral
and ko"ln
it is like almost disneyland
everything has been reconstructed
and there is this huge paved walking mall
with the cathedral and a roman/german museum
but

in the cathedral

i think i learned something about religion
and maybe humans
and
anyway
something absolutely fascinating

the entire cathedral
is a reliquary

for some bone shard or something
i don't know why
but i find this
kinda  goovy

like the energy contained
in a small dead fragment of this great
saint, or whatever
[i had to look it up
i don't remember what bones
but
it's the bones of the three kings]

very interesting

t wirl ing

so many thoughts
what
have i completely invented
there's always invention
there is an almost limitless layering of meaning

i wish i was better at expressing that

the multiverse

i watched this documentary the pyramid code
and it was interesting, very interesting
but
it also takes me cleopatra and king tut

and now
i'm remembering
when everyone had the same name as me
i didn't want to be the nickname for my name
i wanted to be
rose in pre school
but by second grade cleopatra

only difference
in pre school i had been more assertive
by second grade
i knew that that would cause all kind of complications

but
if i used my mother's model:

i always wished my name was the thing i'm naming my daughter

it'd be rose cleopatra vicky lilith albertine van unicorn

no joke
i would never name my daughter that

[oh, and vicky and l.a.v.u.
were more like affected alter egos
so they probably should not count in this]

so
we're back to rose and cleopatra



womanly
these names are womanly

shakti

so i've been giving some thought to that
tricky about the story
gotta be a story
what you want is capture a feeling
have masses of people have the feeling as one
that's the power of religion
as opposed to
personal spiritual practice, or whatever

and the reason it always goes bad, people
people want to harness that power
but
what religion is really about
is altering consciousness


in progress....

chit chat

i started thinking about that trip
and there were issues
that
if i were really telling the story seemed important
but
they were kinda heavy

so
then i kinda didn't want to tell the story
but i still wanted to share what i liked about freiburg
but, really
some of what i liked
is what i like about anywhere

i really liked the little baechle

[i threw in the e trying to compensate for the lack of an umlaut]

but i spent a lot more time

in the square where the minster is

there is an open air kneipe

and

a market in the mornings

around the base of the minster

which is the very first market

i ever bought fresh goat cheese

i love love love

that type of market

i don't remember my dreams

but
I think you might enjoy
to hear about
that trip
maybe
so
I plan to try to write you something
this evening
and/or
tomorrow

I want you
have a happy day

all i remember was stacking beer

which may be related to the promo set
there was some sort of
event
in the dream
which makes me think of
the wine festival my mother
and I ran across
in the black forest
true
we didn't go that many places
but
freiburg was my favorite
also
everyone thought I might be french
because my german "r" sounded
from years of studying french
wrong
everywhere else
I was immediately taken for
american
but
here french
it made me like them
that's silly, but true

i feel weird today

i have a headache
and i slept for like fourteen hours

i dreamed about, i'm not sure
i was back in school
[i took this as a bad sign]
and half of my mouth was scabbed or scarred or something
so my lipstick was darker on one side of my mouth
and the professor thought i fidgeted around too much
or something
he made everyone move down a seat
so that i would not be on the end of a row

and
cocoons
or something like

happy happy blood time started yesterday
which was exactly when i predicted it
but it surprised me anyway

i don't feel good

i might be ready to be rich, my back hurts

i been feelin ya

more like
old school
so
maybe you're just thinkin of me

I love you
very much

dragonfly speaks [but i don't know what it's saying, yet]

i was out wandering around
i have some clothes
that i really like
that are
maybe
getting close to ten years old
and
i need to find replacements for when they finally give out

so
i'm at the tj maxx
i'm at the ross

at the tj maxx i find this skirt i think is perfect
but, it doesn't fit me
and, although they have three, they are all the same size

as much as i shop here, i say to the fitting room woman
it embarrasses me to have to ask
do you have a way to see if there are any of these at another store
i need a bigger size
i am willing to drive to another store
no, she says
we don't have a way to check that

i contemplate driving to another store
it's a long black linen drawstring skirt

i do find a fairly light weight linen knit jacket
i love knit linen, and silk
they're both hard to find

i go to ross
and i never look in the jewelry case
i don't really wear fashion jewelry, costume it used to be called

but
i see something
am immediately drawn to
it's a stainless steel dragonfly
it has a vaguely cross-like feeling
or like the T in brave new world, i think

it's another entrance of the dragonfly totem
and, strangely
i can't remember what it was supposed to symbolize, exactly

since it reminds me of iconography
i tell myself
i should just use this as an exercise
to finally invent that religion i've always thought i should

if i ever want to get rich, i used to say
i'll start my own religion
that's where the money is

and i was only kinda kidding
but
i don't know
if i really want to be responsible for all that

but i've been wearing it
and
it feels like a religious symbol to me

so
i guess
i'm supposed to figure that out

and
i always say
i was raised as nothing, but
i'm not sure that's true
i think
my dad
and my environment in general
was pretty much new age

and
probably
you've known that all along

i found this necklace

i have this other thing for you
but it's not, right
i keep going down little pathways filled with glitter
that, distract

it's got to do with totems

i haven't been saying much

i've started several things
this one's my favorite, i think

i've had
a bunch of thoughts

wait, right now, high
thoughts
can't keep up

but we've had this whole thing, in my head

this intimacy thing
and, my god
you

there is loud crazy music, wait, there was something about that
i didn't tell you yet, and it's gone

the emotion machine, and hell, that other machine, the religion one
do androids dream of electric sheep
there, got that down
but i missed that other


not to mention the whirl of thoughts

i'm not sure
what to write, what you'd like to hear
i felt you all day yesterday
but it was different
i'm not sure how to describe it
there was something turn of the head about it

i'm not sure what that means, i just feel that's what to say

and i needed to go to bed early
because i'm time shifting
for promo change
i needed to go to bed at 8pm and get up at 2am
but i didn't
i stayed up til 3:30am and slept til 6am

so
tonight i need to go to bed at like 5pm
and get up at 1:30am
it's gonna be an interesting week
i usually really dread these
but i'm kinda looking forward to it

feelin ya again

different, though
you just made me do
this stretchy twisty thing
like a wind sock
if that makes any sense

i've been feelin ya all day papi

why am I feelin ya now

something about a hotel room and something about a tent

is all I can remember
I hope you're happy and healthy
and that
I didn't extinguish anything
with my talk of pores
I know
that shit isn't hot
but
well
whatever

I love you
and tonight
I'm gonna try to go to bed early
see if I can catch you in the garden

i love you

i am having a hard time feeling you
it's weird
it's like an old timey long distance call

but
the movies
the movies rollin through
my god

i love you very much

sleep tight baby
I'm going to bed now
it's been a weird day
head hurts
I've made my face hurt
trying to deep clean
and picking
I wish I wouldn't
it must be psychological
I guess
I couldn't stop myself
I'm gonna be sorry tomorrow
I'm gonna have a big scabby place
between my nose and upper lip
I removed little tiny beads of
maybe sebum
maybe wax from years of carmex addiction
when I was a kid/teen/young adult
before I discovered burts bees
or, hell, I don't know
maybe the burts bees left residual wax

I have this obsession
I want clear pores

it doesn't make a lot of sense

our meditation garden, thoughts

when i first think about our garden
i think
i think of us tumbling out of a flower
exploding lushness

then next i think there needs to be
some zen capacity

i would tend to construct the garden
upon entering
possibly different each time

send thoughts
in dreams
tonight

what was that american poetic/religious movement

i was thinking about
rose firmament
today
i love that name

and i almost changed my name to that again
but
i love lailah baprachim, shamelessly
the totally synchronistic way
that i can't even remember now
that i found it
to the way that it sounds

the way i pronounce it
i fantasize about correcting the pronunciation of others

when i played the sims
i only ever played rose firmament once
she was in a long line of binahs
i'm not sure how i picked that name
i read a book on the kabalah
that stuck

when i read that book
while i was reading it
i was convinced i grasped kabalah, totally
but
when i tried to explain it
it's like there was nothing there in the splainin place

i don't claim to understand any of it
not really
be there's some mystic poetry in it

but
just now
i was looking up binah
and the new age types link binah with shakti

shakti always made me a little uncomfortable
or rather
the energy of the people who ever said the word shakti
that was too woman an energy

maybe
continuing....

i've been seeing the sign all day

it' this 3D carved
well, ok, maybe not completely 3D
carved blooming rose
kinda stylized and rounded
petals stretching
becoming nearly teardrop
towards the bottom of the sign
and in this quirky almost cursive script
gather ye
I think the name is
rosebud
but
also it might be
the rose
or rosie's
I think
people call it a lot of different stuff

when i was falling asleep

I saw an image of what is have to describe
as a venue
it was split into two
inside
outside
with a dark glass wall between them
inside was dark and brewpub-y
outside was somewhere between
a stadium and a beer garden
and the stage was arranged in such a way
it could be split into two stages
or
it could be one big stage
with indoor and an outdoor seating
it looked
amazing

i'm not really sure what i want the garden to be like

i mean
i kind of want it to be like the garden
you go to
when you meditate
a place of lushness, sensual, sensate

i just got all caught up in the idea
that it was a world where we interact with the world
not just with each other

but
i didn't want to interact with the world
i wanted to feel you

and
i wasn't sure what to write

so
i'm still not sure what to write

something i realized yesterday about the way i am in the world

so
i had a grand tasting yesterday
and i don't set those up, that's my regional manager
but i have to order the quantities and set up the tables
make sure everybody's confirmed
ya know, etc.

so
when i first started doing it
they sent me these crappy people, generally
who didn't have any idea what they were doing
and i couldn't understand
because the guy who had this job before me
he used to periodically get this seven foot tall auto show model

now
i neither need or necessarily want, even
for them to be that beautiful
but, they should be able to do there job
and i was calling every time to complain

so then we got to a general level of competency
i stopped expecting them to actively sell the wine, really
and was pleasantly surprised if they did

any time i got someone good
i wrote something like !EXCELLENT!
on their paper work
and i started getting those as repeats

plus
anyone who is competent
starts looking for events at my store to request
[i know this because they've told me]
apparently
a lot of grocery stores and whatnot
they have to go in to the store
find the thing they are supposed to sample
set it up on a table they schlepped in themselves
put the stuff away themselves

for me
they gotta bring ice and buckets and cups

the cold stuff is chilled
the non chilled stuff is breathing
the product is set on the table and if they are highly likely to need restock
there is a box of it under the table
they have towels and trash cans

they are
in other words
free to devote all of their energy to the task of sampling the wine


so yesterday
three of the six show up like forty five minutes early
one shows up, like, right on time
and two are late
one is maybe ten or fifteen minutes
one is thirty minutes

the fifteen
she just does a good job and whatever

the thirty
she might be in workout clothes
she's mumbling something about changing her shoes
she doesn't know she's supposed to have ice

cindy told me she told you, i say
because the woman who runs the tasters calls me to confirm

oh, well, maybe i just didn't read my email, she says

whatever


so
everybody's set and going
i go to lunch

this is a lot of windup, but this is now the part that's important 

while i'm on my lunch, i get a call from cindy

apologizing


the main guy from her company
who is actually going to be there the next week end
sampling that same mimosa product that sketchy girl is now sampling
because i set that up like two months before with the mimosa rep
because he and i decided people by their easter booze the day before

he texted cindy
and the woman on the other side of sketchy girl
who was there that day for a different company but also works for cindy
she texted her too

oh
and
maybe unrelated, or maybe not

the lady down on the end
who only had one wine, poquito a 375ml spanish moscato
that didn't count in the big wine sale

i gave her four cases of it
and i told her she was at a little bit of a disadvantage
because her wine was not in the big sale
but
that it was super cute and tasty and would make an excellent hostess gift
for people who were going to someone's house for the holidays

and she sold almost three of the four cases

she told me i was like a conductor at a symphony
which kind of surprised me


so
i'm not sure what to call that exactly
gravitas?

beer garden [maybe sounds too much like a business plan]

once i started thinking about beer gardens
i
ultimately
stated thinking about beer gardens
and i have this idea for one, kinda
maybe it's not fully formed
but
it's about the experience

i then want to control and produce everything

but
i'm not sure that's the way to go
i think, if you could pull it off
a curated experience, maybe, works better

at least to start
because then the focus is on the focus

rather than having a kitchen
have a pad for food trucks

and
there's the who tea element, possibly
and, or, comestibles

i'm thinking

everything would have to allign right
but it could be a good idea

fell asleep on sofa again

tomorrow
sorry
nothing tonight
love you vm

i love you

my dream last night went japanese

I can't remember some details that maybe make this make sense, but
there was this show
it was maybe some extreme challenge
because there was
ice coming out of this guys ears
and something coming out of his nose
everyone was watching it
on closed circuit televisions
up on poles in the back yard
which was like a five foot square
surrounded by hurricane fencing
there was this old guy next to me
and he didn't watch
but he kept needing to adjust his
I'm not sure
air conditioner
which was up on a pole too
so he needed to get on a ladder
and somehow I was interfering with this process
he kept complaining about me to anyone who would listen
there were extra pieces to the ritual
with which I was trying to comply
but I kept dropping things
sometimes into other yards
because
I guess
I'm not that good at negotiating a pole
and
that meant the old guy
kinda had a legitimate beef with me
kind of
but
it wouldn't really be a problem
if I just didn't move anything around
while he was trying to work
but he had so much distain for me
he just really wanted me gone

but then
somehow
I turned it around with him
maybe we sponsored these extreme guys
and maybe mine was winning
maybe I made friends with all the local young people
and learned things from them
for example
all those internet pop up adds
that I close automatically without reading them
and special offers
well in this world
all the coolest things anyone had
were from those
they were all perfectly targeted to your needs
and cheap
and beautiful
and awesome

anyway
by the end
the old guy was saying
I had somehow made his ladder
better than new
and he had respect for me

but
I can't explain how


there was also
this tiny little dog
I mean smaller than the tiniest tea cup Chihuahua
maybe four or five inches long
but fully grown
and I was worried about him
because I saw this thing before I went to bed about a dog dying, I'm sure is why
but anyway
I was worried about him
but
the vet said he was fine
and would live a really really long time
since he was so small
so I was crouched down
underneath furniture
petting him
which involved putting my hand over him
and wiggling it slightly
you're a good dog, I said to him
and the doc says you're healthy
you and me
we're gonna be together
a long long time
and he wagged his tail
and he was like a tiny golden retriever
or grand pyranees
with a ten gallon hat
and his tail created a storm, almost

i feel you this morning

I love you, baby

in the beer garden

i tell you
not about my day
my day is banal, not worth mention
i tell you about the glowing lines of my dream
you had written to me
something i read, but now cannot remember

the tarot is the two of cups
and i can breathe again
i'm sorry, i say
that i'm so wicked tangled
i'd like to be the glowing golden maiden, sometimes
but you're not exactly a straight line either
and maybe that's part of the reason
i find you so wildly attractive

you make me angry sometimes, you say
i don't understand why you pull away

yes you do, i chide you gently
of course you do
both because you pull away yourself
and because
really
you must understand the position
or really
maybe range of positions
that i find myself

and, anyway
once i realized you were generous
a fairly recent bit of knowledge
i thought of a very likely scenario for that thing
which i can't tell you about
but which
if you don't have to help me understand
then
i think i get some major leeway too
that's fair right

so
now our meeting place in dreamland is less stark
does it have waitresses
or do we belly up to the bar
i liked the wildness of the campfire
but
it's been almost seven years
and
i could stand a good drink

is there entertainment

and what kind of beer garden is it

is it at a festival
where all manner of crazy people might wander through
or
is it a more serious place
with artists and thinkers
to spread the horizons

and
maybe
you have no idea what i'm thinking
no idea how this all turns out
embrace it
the certainty and uncertainty are both the destiny we weave

maybe it seems like i pulled away just when it seemed like i was getting closer

and maybe that's a little true
maybe I'm a little like a guy that way
but, also
I am extremely paranoid about her
I always think she's reading what I write
and trying to see what I think you said
only
then I thought maybe
I had made it sound like you said
something I didn't actually think you said
and I kind of got into a paranoia loop
I love you

and I am maybe making myself sick again

I can't get untired
and now I seem to have mild food poisoning
I'm a wreck

on the tarot
I keep getting these crazy answers

and my dreams are nuts too
I just want to sleep and sleep
which maybe isn't good

but
if I sound confused
its not about whether i love you
it's got to do with stuff

i have a bad headache and i'm going back to sleep

i'm a little worried at how not good i feel
but the weather is doing weird stuff
i'm not sure if i'm giving you what you want right now
maybe
maybe i'm being all cryptic and weird
i hope
that i'm not making you unhappy

i'm not entirely certain about all the tree references
that seems important

i love you
very very much

the battle on the moon

this one was very long and complex
I was calling superman
who was my sidekick
and telling him
I needed him not to come to the moon to help me
the woman whose sidekick I was and i
could probably handle this threat
and he might need to handle
an unexpected attack
that if anything went wrong
we'd try to stay below the tree line
and
he wasn't gonna get rid of me that easily
I still wanted to be wrapped in the cape with him
but there was a bunch of other story
before the battle
that I'm a little sketchy on
I had another assistant in the lab
there were a lot of stacked liquor bottles
and there was a girl I was trying to recruit
to organize the books
because she had experience with the Dewey decimal system
so
it might have been a post apocalyptic world
not sure
and I was much less sure about my powers
which seemed to be some kind of magic
than I was letting on
I'm not sure who my team leader was
she was a super hero
she was tall
she had a lot of hair
and
she was mostly deterrent
so I wasn't really sure about her either
I wanted superman, bad
I thought there was a good chance
that things could go wrong
but
we didn't even know what this woman wanted
and
we really thought she was feeling us out for weakness
so we couldn't show any
and even though I was her sidekick
I was in charge of the colony
and I loved all those people
so
I really did want superman
looking after them
because I had total faith in him

try to get this down before i forget

the part I must remember
she was getting presents
and I knew what one of them was
it was this clear Lucite rectangle
filled with like sand and shells
or branches and seedpods
or whatever, ya know, like adult snowglobes
she was getting one of those that I knew of
but then
the other gift she was getting
was the exact size and shape
oh, if I was writing this, I say to whoever
that part's already gone-ish
it was my partner
like business partner
but
it may have been non-profit
we were trying to start something up
some competetion

oh, if I this
both boxes would be exactly the same scene
but they would each have different word dice
like magic 8 ball stuff
and she would pick the dice that
suited her better
like, in the end, she was choosing her own destiny

there was also a scene
location, really
that I really felt like you were scouting
like, no, not the campfire, here
it was one of those outdoor
beer garden type settings
wooden picnic type tables
but
they were underneath a huge network
of beautiful gnarled spreading tree branches
they had been wrapped in twinkle lights
rather than strung with those cafe lights
and the effect
when it was dark
was like
a magical forest
like the stars were inside the protective arms
of trees
it was beautiful
and I will happily meet you there
but
I don't think I did meet you there

I think I'm gonna go back to sleep
and see what happens next

fell asleep in the car driving

fell asleep watching wonderfalls

going to sleep now
you probably won't be for a while
and I'm sure you're busy
but
later
when you can
meet me by the campfire
I love you

i wasn't sure

what to say
I felt
strangely
like I didn't want to say anything
but
in kind of a good way, ya know
thinking about things
wondering
what you're thinking

i wondered
what you thought when i called you puppy
what that's wired to
i like that
I've called you nicknames
how do they feel to you
should they be random and relevant
or is it more special
to have pet names

and
i can't believe I've never wondered this before
what do you call me in your head
do you think of me as words or pictures
or both
so curious
can't believe i never wondered that
that's not all that's on my mind
but
that's what I'm saying
right now
where other people can read it

i love you

i slept until the last possible minute, and today kinda sucked at work

so that's why I'm just now writing you
so
I heard you say things to me
like you were in the room with me
that doesn't happen often
but
even if it's all in my head
I like it when you talk
you said
(in case you aren't actually
astrally projecting)
you want to make me happy
well, I want to make you happy
and
you did
very happy
somehow, it was gentle as mist
but still
really hit it
right on

thank you
it was
honestly
different from anything else, ever

i need to grab a quick bite and go to bed

you are on my mind
and
i feel good dreams coming on

i can't explain that
nor can i explain exactly why
i ordered wonderfalls this morning

i really like pushing daisies too

if you haven't seen them
they are worth seeing

and
in the spirit of wonderfalls

let's meet
in dreamland
on one of those boats
like this here


i love you, puppy

i am apparently at a loss for what to title this

my hair's darker
i found this shampoo
it smells so so good
it makes my hair feel good
everything about the experience of this soap
is delicious
oh, did i mention
it has coffee in it

so
it's designed for women with brown hair
which, i didn't have
and it first, i thought, oh well, i'll just
use a different shampoo on the top of my head
that will maintain my white hairs
and my hair color
that i love so much

and that worked
except
i could feel the difference in texture
in my hair
between the one kind and the other
plus
it was a pain in the ass
trying to wash my hair
keeping the two parts separate

and
i really like the dark highlights it's bringing out in my hair
and
i figure
if it stains my white hair
well, i'm growing new hair all the time. right

and just like that
my whole perspective shifts

in the spirit of trying to get more sleep, i just woke up

really, i was up slightly before eight
because i needed to put the trash out
they pick up once a week
which wouldn't be such a big deal
except the dumpsters are pretty far
and since i've been sick
i didn't get the trash out last week
and i haven't schlepped it to the dumpster
so
it was starting to stink

but after that
i lay back down
and went back to sleep

i'm really only now becoming coherent

i dreamed a couple a different things that i remember

before i woke the first time
i had given some paintings to
i'm not sure who she was
ex-landlord, maybe
someone i liked, at any rate
i got a message from her
that i didn't understand
so i went by
and she had transformed the building, completely

she had made the entire bottom floor
into a restaurant and bar
with a screened in patio
leaving only a little room for her to live in

that's what i hadn't understood
she was getting rid of
pretty much everything

she lost some money from the apartment that had been absorbed
but she had obviously increased the value
of the remaining ones
because this was the kind of place you would want to live above
plus
there would be revenue from the restaurant
and bar

it seemed genius


after i fell back asleep
it was some sort of
complicated
something

i'm not sure what to call it
i think there was a war on
but maybe it was some sort of game

i remember targeting
someone being blown up
because they were too close to the target

but then mostly
i remember
being in the water
i guess
we had been dropped
near an island
there was some way to get quickly from one side to the other
but i don't remember exactly what it was
and
we were floating
balanced on those big exercise balls
and
different things were going to appear
like a simulation
yellow shark
purple ray
it was some kind of targeting exercise
again
but
this time it was in a beautiful
lagoon grotto


i don't think
i've ever dreamed about targeting before
or shooting anything even

i can't help but think
that's some sort of message

i love you
good morning, baby
er, afternoon

i should be asleep

I hope you're happy and healthy
and doing good
sometimes
sometimes i wonder
what you thought of me
in those early days
maybe you were just blown away
by the crazy
i'm not so crazy now
but
i don't know
i'm somethin, ya know

i want to say
a bunch of stuff
but
i don't really know what it is
maybe you know what i mean
maybe not

i love you sweetheart
see you in dreamland

so, what we've learned this week

when i'm sick
i don't so much with the self edit
but apparently, usually
a lot of self edit going on

i'm starting not to be as afraid
which i guess i was before
that if i get to be a drag
maybe you'll lose interest in me
i didn't think
i was super worried about that
but
it looks like i spent more time
on it than i had previously thought

i need to get more sleep, generally

i think
i am starting to
get to some issues
bring the sub conscious to the surface
like the thing with debbie heather
what the hell is that
i don't believe for one minute
she's in the corner burning sage and trying to enter my dreams
that's gotta be my insecurity, or whatever


i want you to be happy
i want to make you happy
i don't want to be freaking you out
making you feel old and tired and like goddam you wish you didn't have somebody else giving you something to have to worry about

i still am not well
i got a killer headache
and i'm going to bed now
i have to go to work tomorrow
but i'm pretty sure i'm not going to enjoy it

i am very glad i met you
and i am very glad you are a good person
and however you need to conduct your life is your business
and i'm not trying to give you any grief

i am feeling pretty secure with you
i still don't really understand you
but
i guess
i think that some day
maybe you'll feel secure enough with me
to show me
and
in the mean time
i guess
i'll just trust you

how's that

alright, i said i'd try to describe the dream, but i think the tricky bit was the part about the game

i was living somewhere different
away from anyone i knew
i was kind of excited about this change
but a little scared

it was small
and i think i walked everywhere
but it was a city, not a town
maybe somewhere like berkeley
i think i was in school
and i had some job, although i'm uncertain what it was
maybe not, maybe i was writing something

i hung out in local spots
there seemed to be hangouts
that didn't cost anything where you could just sit at tables and work uninterrupted for hours
and
i also frequented the hipster coffee shops
well, i couldn't really afford them
but i went sometimes
they didn't believe in friendliness or customer service
not at all
and i had mixed feelings about that

there was a girl who looked a lot like shosh
and i'd go there sometimes because i miss her
but she never smiled
and that was too bad

anyway
so i'm hanging in the culture of young people
and i was bound to pick up something

there was this game
it came from somewhere
maybe a reality show
i don't know

it was most famously in example with this brother and sister
who had there minds expanded and relationship deepened
by playing this game

and
i don't think anybody really knew the rules
i think there was a difference of opinion
about the whole philosophy
governing the interactions

but
even though i've been trying to think, hard
i just can't remember clearly anything meaningful to say about it

i think the trick was
you had to play the game
to find out how you play the game

so
i go to this group
where everyone is going to try to play the game
i know a few people, but not well
it's just the kind of thing i never do
go to a group of people who are all going to engage in some activity, together
i don't ever do that, really, in real life
but
in theory it has it's appeal

whatever

i got in there
and debbie heather was there
and, i mean, i don't know why i didn't just turn around and leave
but
i thought:
i came here to do this
she's just another person
if i can do this with strangers then i can do it with her

but she somehow got herself in the group of people who were organizing teams
and when the teams had been drawn up
i was very clearly not on any of them
so i ask her:
what's up
i'm not playing

and she said: no

so i kind of stormed out:
if i can't play
i'm sure as hell not gonna sit here and watch you play


i don't know
i guess, from a certain perspective
i should have stayed to watch her play
if i considered her to be someone i was competing against, for example
but i don't
i don't want anything to do with her
i'm not trying to do anything to her
i dislike her
but that's completely on her own merits
and i call her debbie heather because that accurately represents
who she is in my world and baggage

i feel like it's wrong for this kind of dream to happen
she should not invade my psyche
maybe it's because i'm sick

i'm not happy about that

i had a long involved dream that i will try to explain after i have coffee

but
I'm pretty sure you weren't in it
and then debbie heather showed up
in the end
which ruined it
I was minding my own business
doing my own thing
and she just came and co opted my dream
keep her out of my dreams

good lord, did you see i've got over sixty posts for march

now, granted, some of them are just a few words
but i have at least a half a dozen long-ish ones that i've never posted
because they seem negative, or whatever
plus some that were posted
and are reverted to draft
so
wow
i'm all like a chatty cathy, huh
and
i was feeling like i hadn't written much
because i have an idea what i think you want
and
i haven't been able to write that
but, whatever

i've got stuff i want to say
that i can't say

but
sixty is kind of a lot
i must have something to say to you
if you made sense
would i find you this compelling

well, i'm at work, but dear god am i sorry about that

I've been here like 2.5 hours
and I may die
not literally

I love you
I hope you're ok
and that I didn't freak you out

something about a beautiful black walnut chest of drawers

i don't imagine i've been a ton of fun the last bit here

i woke up
i ate something
which was, honestly i'm thinking a poor choice
i had this packet of scone mix, i've loved pumpkin scones ever since starbucks days
but, when i made them the first time, i remembered why i don't buy mixes
they were completely the wrong texture
and i don't know if you've had the experience:

buying grocery store bagels that turn out to be donut shapes bread
well, it was that disappointing

so i've had this packet around since fall
so i just made it
adding oat bran and hemp hearts and maple syrup and baking powder
and made a kind of pull apart light texture coffee cake
which i melted butter on and drizzled with maple syrup

so
i guess i must be feeling a little better
it was ok
not great
but an excellent vehicle for butter

which is, i guess, what i wanted

so, i did it, i called in sick

and I am going back to bed
so
if you read this
and I haven't written again to say I'm up
then I'm probably asleep
if you visit in dreamland
gentle
everything hurts

i might not go to work today, i'm struggling with it

one the one hand
I feel like I have to go
because I can
but
they will not let me leave early
and I'm not at all certain I can stand all day
I just basically slept two days
and I feel
super weak
and like I've been beaten
and I might have fever
probably not
but definitely hot, sweaty, clammy
I think I shouldn't go
but
I don't think I've taken off two days in a row for illness since 1997
and I've been sicker than this
but
I want to get well, ya know
and I think I've been getting this for
maybe weeks
I won't get well if I push
it's hard

why is the idea of calling work
and saying:
I'm sick
I'm not coming today
why is that so difficult

alright, i fell asleep on the sofa so now i don't have time for a potato and i'd probably set the house on fire anyway

i love you
i am going to bed
i ate a nutrigrain bar
and some cheese, which might not have been a good idea

it's applewood smoked cheddar from england
so it was a good idea taste wise
but, whatever

i thought i'd stay home
and i could write to you
but
i seriously don't know what i've done all day
except doze
i should have just stayed in bed

i wish i could cuddle up with you

best wishes for your evening
and
all my love

i just did something crazy

i had toast earlier
toast is like my favorite food
but
i thought maybe a little food value
but
i just didn't feel like i could stand
long enough to make anything
i'm like:
i have tuna i could sear tuna
that's pretty fast
that's got food value--  protein

too much

eggs, they're fast
yuck

i want chicken soup
well, shit, you needed to start that hours ago

but then
i'm like:
wait!
the hurricane supplies box!
tetra pack vegetable broth!

because i never eat prepared soup unless it's some kind of emergency

so i heated that up
and it was disgusting even if it is organic and whatever
so i mixed in a spoon of white miso
a little of the chinese vegetable broth i use as a rice seasoning
some lemon juice
and, i don't know, like six spoons of nutritional yeast

i had to keep stirring it so the yeast didn't clump
but
it was kinda chicken soup-y, kinda

i might bake a potato
that'll only take an hour, hour and a half tops
i might could eat a potato

i seriously do not feel well

there's some sort of bug going around and i guess i got it

i mean i wouldn't have stayed home for female trouble
but, if we're adding dizziness, headache, nausea, etc
then fuck it
i'll stay home

i've been watching this which is pretty long
i'm not advocating your watching it
but
i wanted to see something with wolves

i couldn't remember any of my dreams
or i would have told you about them

i love you
i hope i haven't confused you so much that you can't recover
i don't mean to be confusing
i think it just comes naturally

not asleep yet, but lightning and wolves or maybe sled dogs and snow

grand bois

grand bois

grand bois

i'm going to bed to hopefully dream of you

i think i started a bunch of stuff
normally i would not publish all that
just whatever it was i was trying to say
but
today
i'm not editing
and i'm not worrying
i'm just starting it, with the idea of finishing
when the finishing makes sense to me

so
today
you are either a happy man
because i talked a lot
told you a bunch of the inside of my head
or
you are maybe not so happy
because i talked a lot
without saying a bunch of anything

also
if you wanted sexy talk
you are maybe even less happy
because i didn't give you any of that
although
with the bird cage
you might have thought you'd get that

i'm open to it
i just wasn't feeling it earlier

when you get ready for bed yourself tonight
i will likely be asleep
but if you want to join me in dreamland
i'm excited to tell you my dreams

i guess i don't know what i'm writing, let's talk about the bear

what is going on

if i look at the bear as a symbol
i immediately thought of irving
but
that's strange
i have this whole native thing with bears

but
i still wonder
what it's like for you
and
how
it all translates

the bear seemed definitely to be a bear
not a person in a bear suit

continuing....

but that's not the mood i'm in

there's such a distinct difference
in what i felt
in the texture
in the timbre
it's like it wasn't even me
although, painfully clearly, it was me

and
i feel like
a completely different person
and, too
i feel like who i am now
relates in a way i don't understand
to things that seem
in retrospect
not to make much sense

why
if i felt these things
did i do the things i did
and
you seem different now
how much of that is you
how much of that is me

how much of that have you gone through

like
did you go through this whole same process
and then
all the other crazy life stuff you've gone through
how jumbled up with that am i

i'm sorry
i just had this whole panoramic thing
and it's blowing my mind a little


continuing....

the stone of mount moriah

when i pulled into deadwood i was sunburnt, dehydrated, and perhaps a little loopy-- for want of a better word.  i drove around, a little, through town, but it was really like the hotel pulled me there.

to flip a coin in tombstone

i've been watching videos of the bird cage in tombstone.

there was tombstone and deadwood and dodge.  it was one journey, somehow, and one where a person operating from a place of reason--  wait, why even go there.  it's a vision quest.  it's a finding myself and losing myself and realizing that life is the continual process of the two--  wait,  that's too big.

there's something about the west...
in progress

i went back to sleep before

and I dreamed
a documentary, I think
it was talking about people who
didn't like to date
had trouble finding the one for them
and it was using a pool as a metaphor
a visual aid
each person was a color
at either end of the pool
and then for these people who were successful
the color blended
these people had, some of them
a bunch of children
which I guess made them more successful
I got to hold a baby
from one of the couples who just had one
and she was a strange child
she had modified regular crying
in a way that let you know if you were
closer or farther away
from doing what she needed
so she conditioned the caregiver
like pavlov's dog, a little

then there was this guy
he had been famous, I think
anyway, I recognized him
and he was laying on the floor
wouldn't sit in the chair
Jon Stewart was interviewing him
asking him shit like:
why can't you get it together man
and he would say strange things
that didn't make any sense
like: yes Jon, but you know how to speak Latin every day

then somehow they tricked him
and he ended up in a big arena like circle
outside
with other guys and torches
and I have no idea
if they were about to perform
or
beat him

strange dreams
no idea

i think i fell back asleep instantly, but i dreamed

I had a pet bear
and I was riding it's back
I had to stop to get it some water
I went into this little place
it seemed like going backward in time
it had these metal queue line thingies
set right into the floor
but
it didn't really seem to line up
so I wasn't sure which way the line went
I said as much
and a guy asked me
was that directed at me
it was really rhetorical
and he began to tell me the history of the place
I got my water
and went back to my bear
we were both very thirsty

then
I worked at someplace really huge
and the wine was in these big panels on the wall
that rolled open
it reminded me of a sports venue
they had metal roll doors to lock up
and these were refrigerated
everything was picked clean
not completely empty
just
obviously heavily shopped
I had to restock everything
but
everything
was rose

i fell asleep on the couch again

and i had this dream about deborah stabbing me in the leg

i'm going to bed now

i love you

i'm working

but I so wish
that I had played the chick card
which I don't do
on principle
and just stayed in bed
if I was curled up in a sunny window
I'd be so happy right now
this is just an extra crampy one

i'm going to bed now

i love you baby

I actually think the labor in the dream
might have been
actual cramping
happy happy blood time
seems to be beginning
but
dry
very dry
it's kinda weird
but
painful
and
I don't know why you weren't there
maybe
it has to do with unresolved fears

but
if you want to know
if you could like astrally knock someone up
that scene last night in the kitchen
totally woulda done it

I had just woken up
when I wrote that this morning
I guess
I should mention
you had been around
in a strong way
before I went to sleep
and
you might have been in every other dream
but
you just weren't in that last one

i dreamed i was in labor

I was working
and I just kept working
but, when it seemed to me like it was time to go
my co workers just kept coming by
telling me this or that had to be done
not by me
not right now
now
it's time to go to the hospital
I don't want the hospital either
but
you weren't in this dream
and I was afraid to do it
completely
alone

not sure why
I dreamed
that

i don't seem to be having a very coherent writing day

i love you
i hope i didn't say anything that sounds negative
i am not feeling negative
just
scattered
and
unfocused
i've started 3 different things


when i get it together in my head
it's gonna be good

proof of life

how much of what i am on the inside comes from film and television ghosts flickering inside my head before i was old enough to put them in context?  the truth is:  probably more than i'd like to admit.  i tend to respond negatively to that realization.  i shouldn't, though.

in fact, though the ghosts were passing through the airwaves for anyone, what i saw and remember is pretty different from others largely because we got at them before we could put them in context.  no context = raw data
in progress....

fell asleep on the couch again

had this idea
kinda Sci fi
clinging together
weightless
the stars
spinning
all around us
which comes, I think
from the clarity
of your stars
sliding in front of my eyes last night
when you met me last
the starry sky
is
ours

i'm going to bed now

i have spent a bunch of time today
trying to watch little clips of that show
i can't believe i've been doing that

i wasn't upset about the dream
i just didn't know what to think about it


where i think we left off
was laying down looking up at the stars

meet you there

hope your day is going good

the suit types did not come yesterday
I got to sleep at 9pm
got up at 6am
and I'm still tired

but I had dreams
that were going well
but
ended disturbingly
with my father giving me a sperm sample
what the hell does that mean

i don't want to go to work

I want to sleep
like the c.e.o. is coming today
or some shit
so I want to go less than I would anyway
I feel just needing a break, tired
and that doesn't seem to go away
I'm a little worried
about the continual fatigue
and my hips are hurting
I may be low on iron again
I'm prone to that
wish me luck
and I'm gonna try really hard
to go to bed early tonight
maybe you can join me

have a good day sweetheart

i had a really good day today

except for the cat
and he's okay now

my other idea
other than mangaland
derived from the capsule hotel
was an enclosed area in a tibetan monestary
and i thought that one would be so quick and easy
but then it took a more philosophical turn
when i started thinking dialog
which
after i wrote the mangaland piece i thought maybe i could
maybe it's ok

so
what was essentially part of my inner lanscape
i have to put them in it
and
i couldn't do that today, i guess
maybe i didn't try hard enough
but
i think
i thought about it

i also have this idea brewing that includes that trip i took
nine thousand years ago
to patagonia

and i've got something that wants to come out from deadwood
but i don't think that's a jack and lucky story
i think that ties
to the story in san francisco
with the fortune teller
because of rocks
rocks seem to be the salient feature for both those stories
strange
that fortune teller doesn't tie in with the other fortune teller stories
which also don't seem like jack and lucky stories, any more
weird

ok, well, i was gonna write this hours ago

but
now i feel pretty good
hopefully you are feeling good too

i want to tell you how certain things you did
meant a lot to me
whether you really understood
what they would mean to me or not

sometimes
sometimes it's hard to know
what's random
and what's planned
what's just meant to be a funny thing
and
what's meant to have deep meaning

i want everything to have deep meaning
well, that's probably not really true
probably that wouldn't be compatible with my desire for play and fun
but
sometimes i have to really fight off my desire
to believe in the full spectrum of meaning available
when often it is the most glancing

sometimes
sometimes contrariwise
i hope you don't mean everything you could mean
because that would include something i wouldn't want you to mean

good lord, but that's loquacious

excuse me
i need to order pizza
be right back

well, i'm not sure that was right back
because the pizza is here
my cat is having a problem


anyway
it isn't necessary that i make sense here
what i'm trying to say
is there are things i wanted to tell you
i'm deeply moved
about

some of them
you might not have expected to move me
but
i don't feel like i can be all specific
because of debbie heather

i love you
you know that
and
i worry sometimes too
you know that
but
i'm your girl
whichever way things shake out

you understand
you are woven, inextricably, into my
my everything

everything is connected
so even the things you might not know would touch my heart
you get credit for amazing sweetness

you are the magician, remember

and
i think
you think
i'm pretty great too
which
i really love

i fell asleep

after
gentle
amazing
undulating

i love you

in fairness

that song is in the wrong key for me
I think

I love you

capsule

i'm imagining a capsule hotel.  i'm not sure why.  something to do with the niche bed.  i've got a couple things rattling around in my head.  what do you think of these.


they were both slightly buzzing, jack and lucky, as they stepped out into manga land.  neon and flashing light, night sounds and the press of a crowd all blended seamlessly into the buzz, amp-ing it up.  look, lucky squealed pointing down an alley at a flashing neon squid.  jack nodded, grabbed her hand and darted out into the human stream.

they did actually walk, dodging in between the people, but in her head it was hyper stream.  lucky was almost surprised as they ducked into the little bar.  it was narrow but it was deeper than you could have imagined, and somewhere in the back was karaoke.

i've never done that, she said to jack.

really?

just like now, i've been places where it was going on around me, but i've never knowingly gone to a karaoke bar.

alright, well, you're doing it.

you'll have to ply me with alcohol first.

are you saying you're afraid.

no.  i'm saying.  alcohol first.

ma'dame. jack bowed slightly from the waist and rolled his hands in the general direction of the bar.  please please please tell me you have hitachino xh lucky chanted audibly.  he smiled, she was like a child, an alien child.  and even though he didn't really care that much about karaoke, and he'd heard her sing, he really wanted to see this.

karaoke is...different, she said.  it's not like singing with someone who is playing live with you where you kind of have an energy with them that leads you.  karaoke is more like singing along with the radio.  i tend to be off.

what do you mean, off?

well, when i sing with someone i know what comes next.  sometimes, when i'm singing with the radio i hold the notes longer or syncopate slightly;  people who hear me always consider this wrong.

you finish that beer.  i'm going to get a list of songs.

we have to do a goofy duet.  i think that's a rule.


jack came back waving a little piece of paper.  we are not, he said, spoiled for choice.

oh, i see.  i want to do in spite of ourselves is that available?

no, smiled jack, but you have now chosen the song we will do.

how have i done that?

you picked country as a category and english as the language so the winner is:
when you say nothing at all

jack and lucky walked together to the back of the bar in a slightly synchronized shuffle, walking without looking where they were going, memorizing lyrics.

on the stage was a reasonable facsimile of a jpop star performing drunk in love.

after we finish the duet, maybe you can do that number.

that request will only be performed back at the capsule.  you still want to do this number?

yes, jack said, looking lucky right in the eyes.  yes, i do.

i have so many questions

that i can't ask you
about
real time
and
other kinds of time
and
stuff
and
dh schedule
by which i don't maybe mean the first thing you'd think
maybe you won't have any idea what i mean

snapper

something about fish
well
or
the sea
anyway