I'm not happy about the amount of
EXHAUSTED
I am
I was thinking about it
BEFORE
I had my pandemic breakdown
I spent a lot of time
FEELING like
I was contributing to happiness
I experienced my work in the service industry
as helping, helpful, creating an environment
BUT
by the time I was
locking myself in my apartment
I felt like
NOBODY else
actually
saw me as doing anything important
I was just some throwaway
& then I lived in a world
where I didn't need to
interact with people
& NOW
when I think
I could start a co-habitation world
there's a resistance to the IDEA
that other people have any
INTEREST
in being in my world
OR
that I can be relatable
OR
that I WANT to be around other people
& it's limiting
I have this IDEA that what I'm "supposed" to do
is find the WAY I can contribute to the
WORLD
(make it better, fulfill needs)
BUT
I feel like that's what I ALWAYS tried to do
& NOW
it needs to be
ABOUT
fulfilling MY needs
BUT
SOMETHING about that
FEELS like
it's not right, or it won't work, or it's too self centered to be opening me up
& MAYBE
it's just
second guessing myself
I feel like my mom is too much interference
BUT
it's the way the level works
I think my perspective is different enough to be useful, but I don't know how much sense I make
& I feel like the things I am blind-spotted about
MIGHT be SUPER important for figuring sh*t out
& I feel like
I'm not
FUN
BUT
I might be fun
when I work through everything
this FEELS like a LOOP
