on the way to the hospital this morning
we passed by
where I think my pediatrician was
when I was small
she was the wife
of someone my gran gran knew
from piano circles
I weighed myself yesterday
I've gained back
a LOT of the
WEIGHT
which I don't understand
because I'm wearing the same clothes
well pants
dr lorenzen
my pediatrician
I'm remembering the time
I was like none or ten or something
she talked to me
ALONE
& told me
that GOD had seen fit to have me
BORN with
all my fingers & toes
& I OWED it
to GOD
to lose
the extra weight
& I think about THAT
whenever I think about being
FAT
& I WONDER
did she f*CKing think I was
FEEDING MYSELF
why not
MENTION it to the f*CKers who were
DECIDING what I got to EAT
& HOW
MUCH
the cardiologist came by
said the surgeon wasn't coming
because the nurse practitioner had already been by & she was TOO weak to be a good candidate for surgery
then the surgeon
DID come by
SAID
her heart was STRONG
& she didn't NEED surgery
I'm LIKE
she not a good candidate
he's like
she doesn't NEED surgery
NEITHER of them
thought her heart was what brought her in
the attending
is talking about releasing her to
a skilled nursing facility
& I'm LIKE
we don't know what is WRONG with her yet
I'm exhausted
& frustrated
& would like proof that she can't walk
