L-theanine yesterday
my ANXIETY is
HIGH
I feel like I want to
CRY, again
I'm stressed about seeing the social worker
I'm stressed about leaving the house now
to be clear
the social worker called me
told me if I wanted to be
present
I could come
or call in
the social worker seems to be just assigned to the CASE
not anything to do with
ME
BUT
I feel like I should be there
SO I know what is going on
BUT
I have irrational fear
that people are going to MAKE me
I don't WANT to SEE her TODAY
I don't feel like I can handle
ANYTHING
I'm sure I CAN
BUT
I'm feeling run screaming from the room energy
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart
I hope you are having a more
psychologically steady
beautiful day
I'm having some issues
BUT
I have faith in myself
I will pull this out
I'm not trying to abandon her
I'm just not willing to
SACRIFICE myself for her
I AM
& I WANT to be the
gentle, fragile, parts of myself
that I WANT to be
BUT
I don't feel SAFE
& SO I'm stuck
with the iron man suit
& I guess
THAT is what I'm weepy about
f*CK
I think I am at least partially weepy
that I don't trust my mother
I WANT to have a mother
who loves and protects me
OR
WHO DID
BUT
I'm the one who has the mother
who just non-stop
tries to manipulate me
who is trying to remember how to
PRETEND
in the hopes of manipulating me
& I don't know what
of the things she says
is TRUE, if anything
& I'm tired
JUST TIRED
& SAD
& SCARED
& wishing there was a WAY to
CONTROL the situation
so I felt like I could handle it
