I have been up a while
I showered
I ate
I'm caffeinating
I hand washed a pair of underwear and bra
I am planning at least one load of laundry
I rented a car
I bought a ticket
I haven't yet rented a hotel, but that maybe isn't even really necessary
I can't do a longer trip
I both feel like I need to be here for the transfer
& can't really deal with all the moving parts
BUT
I am doing the obvious birthday thing
I don't know where I am
in the journey from
nutso to sanely balanced
& I don't know how good I look in my range
I'm not necessarily in any kind of balanced state
I imagine
if I'm being viewed objectively
I'm not the top choice for anything right now
I'm a work in progress
I'm an image in motion
& if I don't LOOK
GOOD
I'm certainly not holding that against anyone else
I'm trying to figure out
too many things at once
under somewhat stressful circumstances
& there is a certain quality of
two steps forward
one step back
OR
whatever
I'm not apologizing for that
BUT
I GET how it isn't
IDEAL
PLUS
I can see now
that I hated the shrunked droop of my lower face
after I lost all the weight
SO
adding weight back
LOOKED like
youthening
subconsciously
I also maybe see
how when I was younger
I had all these sort of
TOXIC structures
that my conception of romantic relationships was built upon
I don't know how to
NOT have BEEN that WAY
& it is possible that
remnants are
remaining
below the level of my awareness
POSSIBLY
I'm in some liminal shadow-y place
where I am
BOTH
too literal & too abstract
I am not connected to the world as an empath, not really, not anymore
BUT
I haven't found the NEW way I'm supposed to be
CONNECTED YET
& I feel like
that likely means
I'm not through the empress/death portal yet
I don't know my place
& I MEAN
I feel like from a neurotypical standpoint
I never have seen the place I'm
SUPPOSED to occupy
I keep feeling like
I'm supposed to do some
earthshattering reboot
on the grievance
& hate & whatnot, but HOW exactly
& then I'm LIKE
MAYBE
you're making it a bigger thing than it is
MAYBE
that australian chick has a point about you
POLLYANNA
OR
MAYBE
you are just puffed up
with making yourself more important than you are
BUT
I don't really want people looking at me
I don't really want to be the center of attention
there was a period of my life
when I wanted to be on the talk show circuit
I think I was watching too much
dick cavett
& johnny carson
I figure
I just move forward into the next open space of comfort for myself in the world
try to heal my nervous system
let my depleted levels
RISE
& I'll achieve
some sort of balance
& I figure
the path will be revealed
& there's no reason to think
I'm single-handedly
DRAMATICALLY
saving the world
the message was always
you got this
you'll know it when ya see it
& the pressure to
FIGURE it ALL OUT
SEEMS
kinda unfair
I'm not trying to put that pressure on you either
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart
& I hope you are having a beautiful day
