I'm really sorry
this final boss fight is
HARD
please take good care of yourself
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart and I want you to be well
& I don't know how much I contribute to that
BUT
I feel like I have been pretty out of commission
I finally texted my therapist
I told him I was having trouble with my mom
that I was supposed to pick her up & take her home Tuesday
SO
probably Tuesday wasn't happening
BUT
that I was not really sure what my finances were going to be & I wasn't sure if I could afford therapy but that I'd let him know
when I had a clearer idea
I've decided
I'm going to tell her case worker
that I'm not willing to pick her up & take her home
BECAUSE
I don't think it's safe for her to live alone
& she was completely unwilling to have any discussion about what kind of
support care she was going to arrange
OR
the possibility of going to an assisted living situation for the rest of her outpatient p/t
& that I feel like picking her up
taking her home
would be enabling an unsafe decision
that she's a grown woman who makes her own decisions and I respect that, but I can't in good conscience support it
I think her plan
is to get home
& then expect me to be her caregiver
which I've told her
AGAIN & AGAIN
that I'm not gonna do
I don't want to be in a situation where she is calling me and I have to ignore her
or go over and say
NO
OR
have her fake fall & start the whole process
OVER again
I am happy to help her
get her situation
figured out
BUT
she isn't willing to do that
I don't want to have to
ABANDON an old woman
BUT I'm not going to let her just vampire feed on me either
if it's her or me
I pick me
she hasn't texted me, btw
SO
MAYBE
she's done with me
BUT
I think that's wishful thinking
she has said SO MUCH sh*t that is rolling around my HEAD
it's like NEW trauma
& it's gonna be hard to forget
it ALMOST hurts worse that she understands me SO LITTLE that she THINKS this stuff would work on me
it's all about
CONTROL for her
not even the actual stuff
just MAKING ME DO
she's really a SAD little VOID looking to be filled with some sense that power over others makes her important
which would feel more sympathetic if she wasn't trying to feed on me
