I was in some KINDA cool place
there were people who
dressed in fun & interesting ways
there were places to go
things to do
& people were mostly young and friendly and open minded
wherever this place was
it was just immediately great
& people worked together on even the smallest things
in a way that caught my attention
& didn't really make sense to me
UNTIL
I realized
periodically
we had to run away from monsters
I don't know what kind of monsters
& I don't really remember the specifics & details
AND
TODAY
I feel
different
I'm having an emotion
that I can't quite
quantify
I've really been trying though
it's related to the realization
that there isn't any love in there at all
NOTHING strong enough to counter-balance
my unwilling-ness to CAVE to HER gaping NEED
to control me
it's closest to when I found out
there were NO native americans in my family tree
THAT
KINDA broke me
THAT felt like
finding out you're a REPLICANT
this doesn't feel like THAT
not that INTENSE
BUT
it IS pretty disorientating
LIKE
I knew she didn't love me
I KNEW she didn't think of me as HUMAN
I knew it
BUT
SOMEHOW
I guess I didn't know it ENOUGH
& I'm STILL surprised
ONE THING she SAID that's running through my HEAD right now:
I thought I was a GOOD mother
I thought I RAISED you RIGHT
maybe I wasn't as good as I THOUGHT
MY MOTHER was VERY CONTROLLING
& I didn't want to be like HER
SO
I GUESS
MAYBE
I went TOO FAR in the OTHER DIRECTION
she is LITERALLY
TELLING ME
that
MY ONLY
LIFE OPTION
is to become her
CAREGIVER
& she will no longer do for herself
ANYTHING
& that she will NOT listen to my
HELP
or ADVICE
or DIRECTION
that ANY system I try to set up for her
for her protection
she will try to
THWART
& the ONLY way I can maintain it
is to watch her like a hawk
& then she will be verbally abusive to me
THAT
is her definition of
TOO LENIENT
