I'm not having a great day
I had a headache
& took a nap
& I'm awake now but I'm not sure for how long
I don't feel great about all this
BUT
honestly
a sincere request for help
MIGHT have WORKED
for something
& the heartfelt
APOLOGY
that is NOT even a possibility
SHE has NEVER
she LITERALLY undermined all attempts by anyone to protect her
JUST
so she could go ahead with her original plan
to FORCE me to do what I said I wouldn't do
I don't WANT to abandon her
BUT
she's made it CLEAR
there is NO WAY to deal with her
SO
I guess we are doing THIS stupid b*llsh*t
I'm FINE with making her FACE consequences
& she's NOT senile demented
SHE hasn't called or texted
BUT the hospital did call checking her in
at like midnight
& I KINDA wonder how she managed to make it be SO LATE
I watched some videos on the shadow
& then I'm talking to myself --
I forgive you for needing to get involved with her at ALL
I forgive you for needing to get to the point where she proved she doesn't care about you at ALL
ONLY wants to USE me
I KNEW all THAT
I really DID but somehow I JUST
COULD NOT believe it
I thought there HAD to be
SOMETHING in there
SOMETHING that LOVED me
BUT
NO
it was foolish
I'm sorry I made you go through that
& I don't know what parts of myself I'm afraid of
I KNOW I had that whole existential crisis
when I realized I wasn't sure
I might not SNAP
I don't necessarily even think
I'm THAT nice of a person
ANYMORE
I'm not looking for people to help
I'm not interested in taking on
OTHER people's STUFF
I just want to
PROTECT myself
HEAL my nervous system
find out what makes me happy
I can't do that
FIGHTING
CONSTANT psy-op battles
& the ONLY way to not
is to HOLD my
BOUNDARIES
