super tired

took a half a melatonin
goin to sleep
love you
have a good night sweetheart

i love you once, i love you twice, i love you more than beans and rice

my phone says
day after thanksgiving
all day
for some reason
I think this is very funny
but
it's probably not really
all that funny
but
I'm taking my laughs where I can get em
today, at least

Gratefullness

i didn't grow up with a tradition of gratefullness

by which i mean

we didn't sit around the table on Thanksgiving

each declaring to the other

for X i am grateful

for Y i am grateful

it was food

and football

and family fighting, generally

sometimes followed

by poker

[five card draw, mostly, sometimes blackjack]

or monopoly

[i like to be the thimble]

[my father always cheated]

and

maybe it's too late to start with the gratefullness

i don't know

maybe start small

today

today i like coffee
and eye balm
and mood altering lipgloss
and supplements that keep me functioning

[reasonably pain free]

hot dang o.g. veggie burgers

[which i'm having for thanksgiving dinner]

smoked cheese

[ditto]

technology

and

you

fell asleep on the sofa

gonna go ahead and get up fairly early
because I have to got to work at 5am on Friday
(but then I get off at 2 or 3, hopefully)
I meant to write you something
I love you
so much
sleep tight baby

omg omg omg

Damien is gonna make me a wig
I have been wanting
don't laugh
pink dredlocks
for, like, years
but
I'm not even gonna try to do that to my hair
but
he knows how to make wigs
I'm very very excited
I'm not sure how fast all this I gonna happen
but
I think YouTube girl
is gonna have a persona
I don't feel represented, somehow
don't freak out

i'm likely to have a very stressful day today, but

I'm thinking of you
and
I wish you a beautiful day
I'll try to do something for you
tonight
but
I'm not sure what I'm gonna have left
so
no promises
but
virtual warm snuggles
and big mugs of coffee

i had crazy dreams last night

I wanted to tell you about them
but
I can't really remember
it's been rough at work
I worked 7am to 8pm
came home, ate, fell asleep on the sofa
I know the dream had Beaujolais Nouveau
that's work related
and some girl I was making friends with
every time we found out something about each other, it was the same
but
there was a bunch more stuff
I think, physically
I'm holding up pretty good
I have been reducing supplements
and now I hardly take any (comparatively)
biotin, vitamin e
boswellia, horse chestnut, msm
cordyceps, sometimes cayenne
nattokinase
but smaller quantities
or less frequently
except the nattokinase
that's two every night
because it seems to work better at that dose
to keep the tight ouchies outta my veins


please be careful
I love you

i need something

it might be a drink, nah
it might be drugs, nah
it might be homicide, hmmmmm
but I don't want to go to prison
I am having a super
extinction event
day
already
and I'm supposed to go to dinner
with my mom
right after work
aaaaakkkkk

i've been thinkin about you baby

makin love
in some kinda tempest
everything whippin all around us
or
inside a giant clam
at the bottom of the ocean
except
the texture of the clam
it's not all cold and slimy
it feels like a tongue


I got
all kinds of crazy thoughts
and
all kinds of want you badness

i love you. happy day to you

today has been seriously whack!

i'm doing a promo reset this week

so
it's gonna be all jacked up hours
and then
maybe some next week too
because god knows when the new fixturing
will get here
and
mandatory meeting
crack of dawn Sunday
and blah blah
happy holidaze


I love you baby

i dreamed i was back in colledge

I had missed the beginning of the semester
due to health issues, I think
so I was going to classes
to see if I was still enrolled
and whatnot
I went to this one class
and I guy I used to work with
who is not someone I'd want to be in a class with was there
the professor asked if I had any questions
and this guy says:
tell her about connectivity
so
he starts talking
and drawing on the board frenetically
about the energetic connections
between seemingly unrelated things
but after he spend the whole class on that
he says that the class isn't about that
so I still don't know whether to drop the class or not

and mouse ran along-side

it's been a long time since i've seen you in my dreams--  but i did last night.

we were driving across country in a van with two women i don't know--  i'm not sure whether i knew them in the dream.  we were talking.  i was explaining to you that i'm having a hard time believing that we will ever be together, and that without that belief i degenerate.

i explain to you all the reasons that, logically, it shouldn't really matter.  we love each other.  there is no guarantee that we will be happier all cheek and jowl than we are at a distance.  i don't know how happy she makes you, maybe you need her.  maybe you wouldn't be as happy with me, and you would come to resent me.

--  i've been thinking about this stuff like a constant loop in my head, unless i'm actively distracting myself from it--  it's one of the wonders of depression [which is why i think that that's what's going on]--  plus, i don't want to cause the kid any pain, or damage your relationship with her, and i can't help but think of all the ways that things could go bad on that front [although, california state law does somewhat limit how bad it could go with the kid--  but then it also ratchets up how expensive it could get with the other part of the equation], and, i guess when all is said and done....

so, anyway, trouble believing is a problem.

you are driving me to work.  that's weird.  and i'm not going to my regular job.  in the dream i work for a clothing store--  which i haven't done since i was seventeen.  [then i worked for miller's outpost for about three months.  i folded the jeans the right way once and ended up having to do it everyday all day until i was allergic to denim.  i really hated it.  it was stupid and boring and i said i wasn't ever going to do that again, and i haven't;  although, if you have the right, clothing sales job you can make hella dough;  i used to have a customer/friend who won a lamborghini selling clothes in the "women's" {as opposed to like junior's which is smaller sizes} department in saks.  that was not salary, that was perks, the lamborghini.

so, anyway, you were driving me to work.

i was not working in my usual location, they were sending me to another store for the day, and i wasn't really sure where that store actually was.  so i was stressed about the time and the place and us and really every aspect of the time space continuum, really.

and i was telling you that it didn't even need to be true--  i just needed to be able to believe in it.  because i could not continue to exist without the belief in us.

i'm sure you were talking to me, but i don't remember anything you said.  that's weird too, huh.

anyway, at some point there was traffic;  we were crawling along at a snail's pace.

that is when i noticed mouse.

mouse was running along the side of the highway dragging an electrical plug in his mouth.

back story

http://katzcoffee.com/proddetail.php?prod=CRBJMORG%2FFT


I saw this in the grocery store the other day
I read the blurb on the back
and it made me cry


I'm gonna try to find the story now
hold on


https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8P71bF4nRDM


this is pretty much the story
and this made me cry again
but I might be able to find
another version you could
just read quickly
hang on


http://www.katinkahesselink.net/other/mouse1.html

i feel you today too

I love you baby

today, i swear to god

I can feel your lips on me
languidly kissing
my neck
my shoulders
my breasts


it's a little unsettling


but
I don't want it to stop


the tarot
this morning
said you were thinking good stuff about me
I figured you'd be
I don't know
miffed


but
I guess not

holiday theory

driving to work
i heard adele
now, i've got nothing against adele
but
i always feel like she was
according to the industry
supposed to fill the slot left by amy winehouse
and, for me at least
adele is no amy winehouse

so then
i really really wanted to hear amy winehouse
here, see what i mean:

this was the first song that came up on my phone
youtube amy winehouse
and it illustrates my point, i think
but it's not just
not the bad girl good girl thing
not that

adele sounds like she is giving it all she's got
and doing a creditable job
of mainstreamish good

amy sounds like she is giving it
nothing
no effort
she can do it shit faced for god sake
and there's that kernal of stylistic genius

now, i mean, i'm not saying she isn't giving any effort
i'm saying it seems effortless


i woke up with a headache
and i really didn't want to go to work
and i really didn't work that hard today

but
amy got me off on the right foot i guess

and
they were setting christmas
and that always pisses me off
can't we get through fucking halloween, even
but
there's this buddha ornament
in a pink robe
with butterflies
and suddenly
i wanted a pink christmas

now
we did the tree
and the presents
we just didn't do santa, or jesus, ya know
when i was a kid
but
i haven't
since i've been grown
it has seemed stupid, at best
but

when i was a kid in the 70s
maybe you remember
they had those flocked trees
in crazy colors
and every year i would peek into that special tent
and be like
let's get a pink one
let's get a purple one
let's get a black one
and nobody was ever having any of it

it was gonna be a plain ole tree that would sit in the window
and look just like everybody else's tree
plus those were way more expensive

and
before i got all into you
and found it meaningful to try to connect to judaism
my previous plan had been
if i have kids
i'm gonna pick one holiday from every major culture
that i can relate to
and celebrate that calendar
so that
the kid will have a generalized multicultural understanding
and the best cherry picked holidays
and
whoever they meet
they got one holiday in common
see good, right
except they overlap sometimes
and
it could get a little disjointed

and the idea
id to use the holidays
to achieve human actualization goals
i like the whole concept of passover as
i was a slave
what am i enslaved to
what am i being set free from
where is the promised land i'm headed for

i think the concept behind lent is really good
in that you are giving up something
that you decide is bad for you
purifying yourself by abstaining for 40 days
but
i'm uncomfortable with
whatever jesus has to do with that
i think it's some significant thing
i just don't know

ramadan is fasting
which isn't quite what i'm going for

and sun dance is too intense
couldn't translate to childhood experience

maybe there is something
something buddhist, maybe
but that would be all the time
and my whole theory
is
varry the focus
hit something important with each holiday
so
by the time they're grown
they have all the actualization tools just built into the calendar, ya know
but
fun
and, like effortless

i really like the idea of carnival or mardi gras
paired with lent
but
doesn't that seasonally overlap with passover
i think it does

well, this year for example
lent would have ended april 2
and then passover started april 2 or 3
i don't think that works

i can't find a muslim holiday that works for me
so, in practice i'm not sure it works at all
plus then
you don't get the flow of the seasons and such

i don't know why i have to figure this out right now
probably because i'm writing you something

but
i have to go to sleep

i've been having very active and strange dreams
but i haven't been able to remember them

goodnight sweetheart
 i'm not sure how coherent this was

it's the weirdest thing

we're putting out Christmas ornaments
which normally puts me in a grouchy state
but
I'm having this weird desire
to buy a pink Christmas tree
and decorate it really wildly
completely non christmassy


I'm dreaming of a pink Christmas?
and I'm in a really good mood
but I have a terrible headache
it makes no sense

i'm working on something

again, just in my head
I've been feeling you today
and I feel like writing you something
but I'm at work
so not too soon

las vegas

all day on youtube it's been popping up ads for the bellagio
now, at first, i thought that might be because i looked up something
about the too faced vegas nay star dust palette
which, by the way, may be the greatest thing since sliced bread and all
but i don't want it
don't like it
but
everyone else loves it so i was trying to figure out why i don't

not that i think i should like it, just because everyone else does
don't get me wrong
and it has two colors i absolutely love
it's just the rest, not so much

anyway
if that was why bellagio was popping up
i would think they might have branched out to other vegas establishments
it seems like other places would be paying for ads

and then i thought
what the hell, maybe i'm supposed to write something about it

i've been to vegas exactly once
it was a work trip that was morphed into a small vacation
and the trip was kind of momentous
i drove with the computer equipment in the trunk of the really nice rented G6
i had planned to stop in sedona on the way
i had a lot more interest in sedona than in vegas, to be honest
but
i hit bad weather
there was a blizzard blowing in
and as i wound around the mountains in sedona
the dash board flashed low traction at me
and i thought i might just slide off the side of the mountain
could have happened
i made it to flagstaff for the night
and i wrote to you
you might remember

the next day
i dug the car out
found the one highway that was actually open
and continued
because it couldn't happen without the computer equipment, which i had
that was the scariest driving experience i've ever had
it had been plowed
at some point
but
it was icy
and choppy
and uneven

and while sliding off the side of the mountain
had had a certain poetry to it
this was just stressful and all kinds of coulda ended badly

until it warmed up somewhere around the nevada border
and then it was nice easy highway
the hoover dam was
well, it was impressive
i expected it to be ugly
and i'm not, at least theoretically, a fan of damming rivers
but
it felt like a huge energy generator
which is, i guess, exactly what it was
i drove into town right at sunset
there was some giant billboard set against the smear of fiery light
i can't remember what it said now
but at that moment
it seemed like a message from god
and i said to myself, i like this place

then
i got down to the strip
it was all lit up in the dark
and i thought
this doesn't look right
i guess it's pretty
but it's all wrong

i was staying in paris
i thought that would be
well, shit, i probably thought it would be a place i could wander around and think of you
which it sort of was, but i didn't really like it
the job i had to do was at the wynn
and when we had to go take the euipment and find the ballroom where we'd be
that was when i found king baby and wanted to buy you things
in my mind, that's the kinda stuff you need, i guess
i wanna deck you out with t-shirts and leather and skull jewelry
i don't think i bought anything in vegas
maybe i did
i can't remember for sure
but i don't think so

i went in a really nice sephora, nothing
all the shops in paris, nada
i don't like to gamble
so i didn't do that either
i think i bought some drinks, well, i for sure did that
i may have eaten at the paris buffet three times
and it was good, really good
i wandered through all the shops in the venitian or whatever it's called
and i really meant to ride the gondola
but it was all so so very FAKE
i didn't enjoy any of it
well
not completely true

i could see the fountains of the bellagio from my window in paris
i like that
i'm pretty sure that's right
it occurs to me now
i may have just watched videos about it
and i'm not 100% sure
i know i didn't make it into the bellagio to see the chihuy installation
even though that would have been something i would have wanted to do
because
i didn't want to be on the strip for one second more
no matter what that meant i missed
i hated vegas
i never plan to go back

when i was leaving
i had to stop to buy pepto
because my stomach was so upset
i was afraid i might shit myself on the road
and
as soon as i left the tourist vegas area
and entered the real vegas where people live
i started getting that feeling that i liked the place again


when i was, i don't know nine, ten, something like that
my mom took me to disney world
i didn't like that either
it was hot
you had to wait in line
and
it wasn't worth it in the end
it wasn't fun

now i grew up going to astroworld
which i did think was fun
we had to wait in lines
it was hot
and i would cry at the end of the day when we had to leave
so i can't really explain

my mom liked it ok
she had been kinda mad at me for the freedom train i think
where we had waited in line for hours
to see the coolest thing ever
that she thought was kinda boring i think
and it didn't last very long
and it was kinda cold for that line
which, let's be real, just could not have been that cold

goodnight sweetheart, i love you

moonlight

i hold you hand as we stare up into the night sky
i haven't quite put the words to it, i say
i'm trying, but there seems to be this sticky silken web or net or something
that keeps the right image just beyond reach
it'll come to you, you say, and you put your arm around me

the air is this strange amalgamation of hot and chill
that doesn't make any sense
but
i'm not really used to sensible weather
i huddle close to you
i feel your body heat
a fireside inside somewhere
calls me
i want to crawl inside of you
lounge on your bear skin rug
i stare up into your eyes
and i swear i see a flickering

now i realize i have not been speaking
it didn't seem to bother you, but
how was your day, i ask

it was good, can't complain, but
i thought about you and me and this
all day

i sigh, but in a happy way
and reach my arms up behind your head
pulling myself up
or you down
or possibly both, i'm not sure
i only want our lips to meet

then your arms are wrapped around me
touching the bare skin of my back
and it's like i'm burning slightly

our tongues are touching
it's so
wonderful
whoever thought up tongue kissing
they should get some kind of award
i push myself against you
hoping that i'm aiming
and without too much pressure
you moan slightly
my head swims
i may pass out

bed, you whisper
in this strange tone
like maybe you're asking
if that's ok location-wise
maybe i'd prefer the kitchen table
or bent over the bathroom sink

bed.  yes.  comfortable.  now, please

you smile
you're so beautiful
you take my hand and lead me there
like some kind of fairy tale

i took double the maca today

trying to amp it up a little
I don't want to be boring
I feel boring
anxiety is great, huh


I think I feel you
might be the maca
not sure


I'll try to write you something
later


I love you

hi

i'm sorry i haven't been much fun

I don't think I mentioned
my knee was involved as well
but
I'm like 80% back to my
75% back to normal
that I was before
or there abouts
the maca isn't doing anything at all anymore
so
between those things
I don't think
I've been
too much fun
and
I'm sorry about that
also
I feel some anxiety, generally
so
I guess that's gonna be what I get this month
for happy happy blood time
which I coming
in about a week
so
joy
I've had crazy crazy dreams, though
I wish I was having romantic dreams
I'm doing what I can

i fell yesterday at work

and I was really worried
that I might have damaged myself
somehow
but
I'm happy to report today
that I seem fine
just a little sore
I kinda tried to catch myself
which is bad and i know better
so I impacted my left hand
and I was worried it was sprained at first
but it's ok
I was clumsy as a small child
so I learned to fall well
but I was pretty preoccupied yesterday

i love you

I hope you're happy and healthy
and doing ok

are you imagining things

I feel like you are

today, today i wish

we could stay in bed all day
sleep
and
play
not worry about anything
just do
whatever the spirit moved us


I want to feed you
fruit, specifically
I want to rub mango on your nipples
and lick it off
maybe, I want to have whatever the sexy version of a food fight would be
I want to be sticky with fruit juices
so when we contact we stick
all the different sensations
opposite of slip and slide
then
sugar scrubs
we probably have to leave the bed and go to the bathroom for that
something that smells really good
so it's like all over body massage
but also exfoliation
so our skin will be extra sensitive
for whatever's next
we wash it off in the shower
if you're into that, you could wash my hair
and showers are nice
I don't think I've done that
taken a shower together
for like 15years, at least
the water and your hands
I could do any number of fun things to you
depending on what you like
in the shower


this is fun

growling, oh the snarl

you
come up behind me
your arms wrap around me
you squeeze
a little too tight
your hands clutch my breast
tight and hard with a slight kneading as
you bite my shoulder, my neck
you growl
low
a feeding beast
and i moan
wet from the sound of you
the touch of you
your hungry mouth

you bite my fiery wing
you pull them back
pinning me

then you enter
biting down on my shoulder
squeezing harder on my breast
growling

and i scream

it hurts
but it doesn't hurt
you are in control
but you are completely out of control
and i am not afraid

i am

consumed

i'm going to bed soon

I'm going to imagine
and
ya know, it's kinda funny
because I go back and forth
sometimes I'm wildly fixated on sex
sex with you
and/or imagining specific things
but then
other times I think things like
I don't even care about that
I just want to hug him
or kiss him
or cuddle with him
like it's very specifically not sexual
but
mostly
there's some kind of flow between the two
and I guess that's normal


concomitantly
I have this fear
that either you only
see me as whatever
or
you only love my mind
and
I have to talk myself down, sometimes
from either position
and
I guess that's normal-ish
given my circumstances
I want you to want me
which is unusual
but
I don't want to be whatever


I'm not sure this is making any sense


I've already fallen asleep on the sofa


I want everything from light frothy sweetness
to really kinda hard core sweaty stuff
but
I don't want the indelicate stuff
to make you think less of me
I'm not sure why it would
but
I seem to worry about it
it's weird


but
I'm going to fall asleep
after
thinking of you and touching myself
I want you bad
but
I want the non-sexual stuff
with the same sort of longing
there
maybe that explained
some of the crazy

i love you

I am feeling
this like overwhelming swell
of affection this morning
I wish
I could like lounge around with you
I'm not feeling particularly frisky
but
I just imagine
a sun-filled bedroom
and a really comfortable bed
and maybe some tunes
maybe later we'll walk to the park
or go to the museum
but right now
it's just us
together

i missed a jim jarmusch film

that, in and of itself
not so bad
but
it's vampire themed
maybe you saw it
only lovers left alive
I saw a clip
on black phoenix alchemy lab
where I haven't been for
clearly
years
anyway
seemed like somethin
we woulda seen
so I'll try to get my hands on it
soon as i can


I love you
I miss you baby
you rock my world
not even jokin

i did somdthing crazy

I subscribed to ipsy
normally I don't believe in that kind of thing
but it's only $10 a month
and I'm hoping I'll get wild stuff
for preferences
I put:
hip and edgy
club goer
vintage style
world cultures
so, we'll see
I wont get anything until October
which is kinda a bummer
but
I'm gonna be purdy

i love you

that's it
that's all I want to say
right now

the scene

it's dark
it's a club
normally I wouldn't like that
all the people
but
tonight
I do
people are wearing white
not me, you understand, but others
and the lights are reflecting colors
as they flash by
it's crowded
anonymous
let's say
we've taken x
so my joints are springy
and I want to dance
colors are bright bright bright
even though it's dark
and I want to know you
from the depth of every pore


in this world
we aren't afraid to be seen
but
the energy in the room
intensifies things like an orgone generator
I run my hands over you
unabashed
you look at me the way you used to
before you were afraid
it's too noisy
we can't talk
but
we can't keep our hands off each other
and
maybe we've had a few jello shots as well
because
in addition to the x
I feel that alcoholic edge of
oh god, I'm not even sure what I might do
will tonight be the night I have sex
in a public bathroom
I find that mildly revolting
in a germy kind of way
but
it might just be necessary
because
dear lord
I think I need you in me NOW


you know somebody, though
and there's this room

i just got up

I woke up around 7:30 or 8
but I went back to sleep
I guess I was really tired
that's a lot of sleeping


I was dreaming
I was a DJ or something
some sort of underworld party queen
it was a roaming party
for secret agents
and arms dealers
and i don't know what all
but somehow
it was about mushrooms


I've been taking cordyceps mushrooms
for a while now
and they have made a huge difference
in my energy level
how I feel
but
so much so
that I'm trying to decide
what is the next mushroom supplement
reishi, chaga, or something less obvious


I think
that's where that part of the dream comes from


I love you
I hope you slept well

i fell asleep on the sofa

and I'm a little muddled
I don't think I can write something
which I had meant to do
I had a tiring day
my fantasy tonight
would revolve around massage
but I had meant to make it sexy
even though I'm tired
I wish I was touching you right now
but
I'm not getting poetry
I'm getting desire for hot tub
maybe we're in a cabin in the mountains
 I'm sorry
I'm fighting sleep to write this


sleep with me
wake up with me
let's have breakfast in bed

tonight let's

lie in the dunes
and stare up at the milky way
the power of the silent empty ocean
crushing us into it's sandy bed
I love you, I say
and you squeeze my hand
because the bird flew away with your tongue
I hope he brings it back
because I want to kiss you
but
in the mean time
I press my forehead to yours
in the rapture of psychedelic union
I love you, you thrust
as I bite your lips, gently
you kiss my salty tears
wept for your tongue
you thrust emphatically
no, I don't need to say anything
you know, you know
love you
love you
until my eyes roll back in my head
I scream
I writhe
I pray to the great feathered one
you release in contorted facial splendor
and with such force
that I can feel the tide come in
I lick your face
and lie back
into the bed of stardust

please dream with me tonight

I want to
sway
your arms around me
I want to kiss you full on the mouth
taste your honeyed mouth
as you whisper
words of love
I want to feel your body
your heat
move through me
like a runaway train
make me scream your name
I dare you
make me believe in magic

desire

you know
it's really weird
I think I must be feeling better
because
it's like a constant craving
and i thought that had waned
with the whole ridiculous celebacy thing
I don't really know what I believe
but
there's still a hungry creature inside me
resurrecting for Halloween
it's really romantic and all
but
it's super inconvienient

thank you

for
starting
and stopping
and, theoretically
starting again later
I mean, damn

are you doing something?

because
either you are or there is something wrong with me
I swear to god
I can't work like this
I'm about to have to stand
in one spot for three hours and talk to people
and
I'm having
full body
electric
somethin
for the love of god
stop until five
or
I may lose my mind


I want you
so bad
right now
I'm almost unable to function

i love you sweetheart

I'm cycling back
I'm gonna try to get up extra early
the next couple days
because I've got one of those promo change
weeks next week
but I switched some stuff already
so, maybe
maybe it won't go so rough


I've been toying with the idea
of doing another BRIEF bout of gotu kola
but not right this minute
I'm doing really well
but
I can't really tell that the ho shou wu did anything
or the pine bark extract
the noni seems good
but
turns out to be an abortificant
so
probably won't be on the list
so
I think the boswellia works
horse chestnut, definitely
cayenne
but
I can't find anything else
that repairs tissue
and build collagen like the gotu kola
and i still have a little scar tissue on the outside
I'm sure I'm not fixed on the inside either
but
I don't want to be psychotic
so
I'm gonna keep looking
I really don't know why it had that effect
on me
nowhere does it list
mood swings as a side effect


anyway
I'll warn you if I do
and I'll do radio silence
if necessary


I wish
I could hug you
and kiss you
and stuff


I got a real estate book
before I spent money on course work
and
it's really not that interesting
so
I'm not really any further along
with the financing
I am healthier though, I think
so that's something
I wish
I wish
if wishes were fishes
one fish, two fish
goldfish
ish

so, i wonder

what you think
I don't know
when I change
from waiting for you mode
to full tilt mode
because
if
you
think there won't be any change
I think
you're wrong

real quick

I said I don't give a shit about this job anymore
and that's true
but
I don't want to go into the whole devolution
the big thing
they clamped down
so
I was priding myself on having the best beer selection in town
well, not any more
I can only order approved products
I've got like
less than half
and blah blah whatever
but
see
I don't really care about what I make
money wise
I have to be the best
and
they won't let me


but
the weird thing is
the whole store is down 7%
because driving sales is not the focus
following the rules is the focus


and this new manager
he wanted to promote me
but I don't want to be promoted there
supervisor is a shitty job
the only reason to be supervisor
is to try to be manager
and I have over 10 years of management experience
if I want to be manager
I'd get there faster by applying somewhere else for a manager position


this is not my first rodeo


he also wanted me to be supervisor
so he could make me keep doing my current job, plus that job, for, if I'm lucky, a couple more dollars an hour


this is not my first rodeo


when I had my review
he went on and on about how great I was
when I asked about my developmental areas
he gave me a flippant answer about
hairstyle or something
clearly not taking me serious
like
seriously, you have no developmental areas
then
I get a meets expectations
and I'm like
I'm sorry NO
because I have always gotten exceeds
and he just told me I can't improve, right


and he says
well, that still represents a pay increase


seriously
he thinks I'm gonna just be happy to get
like the lowest pay increase possible
I'm like no
that rating is not consistent with the review I just received
do you seriously think that's what I deserve?


so he goes back and adjusts it
we only get raises once a year
and my big increase is now .40


whatever
anyway, I'm getting out of order
i just recently discovered the store was down 7%, because i don't care about the store
i only care about my dept
and i really don't care about that
but my not caring
is still more
ya know
and
i was sure I'd be losing sales
hand over fist
and i was budgeted to be down 3%
but
now I'm up almost 5%
and this was the hard part of the year


I'm ranking 30 out of like 240 in the company
which is roughly the same as last year
i lead our district
though our district manager still can't remember my name
and he was throwing it up to me
when new guy took over
that the south Dakota stir was doing almost as much as me
with less inventory
and I'm like yeah, but do they have 15 competitors within a stones throw of them
I'm trying to lure people in with having better selection
you have too much beer
he says
so
still
with nothing
I'm 30 and they're 38
they are $8,000 behind me
same as last year
but the store's down 7%
and I'm not really trying
and it hit me
something i already knew


i really pour myself into whatever i do
and i can't really not be successful at it


and it's just a shame
that I'm wasting myself
on these ungrateful bastards


and i started praying really hard
to know what to do next
I'm willing to make money, i said
I'm open to it
i want to profit from hard work
because
clearly I'm incapable of not
i tried
and i just worked smarter
got better
made them more money


anyway
so
real estate
I'm reading books
it looks like you can do the classes on line
it's 180 hours
but I'm unclear if that's like
it will take 180 hour
or if it's credit hours
but
it needs to be
the shortest amount of time possible
I'm not doing this bullshit any more
dragonfly said 2years and it's been
almost 2 years
and life starts now
whatever
no more fucking around

i think i know what i'm supposed to do next, but i don't know exactly what that means

but
what I'm getting
is
real estate

i love uou sweetheart

I hope you are having
a really great day

slept just fine

didn't even need melatonin

going to bed now

presumptuous people

my manager just told me
you're not gonna sleep at all tonight
worrying that you'll oversleep


uh, whatever
first of all, don't I do this overnight thing
like every 6-8 weeks
second of all, isn't this like my 5th inventory here
much less anywhere else
third of all, I don't really care about this job anymore
and even if I overslept
I'd at worst get 1 point
I'll sleep just fine
and if I can't
I'll take 1/2 a melatonin
I can't take more than half or I won't wake up
stuff affects me strongly
but
I have more to tell you
when I get a chance
rant, mostly

this is why i don't take pharmaceuticals

i really really really wish

that we were alone together
right now
might be
that I'm just riled from all the
stuff in taking
but, damn
of course
we might be weird and afraid
if we were actually actually together
but
all I can think about
is how much I want you to hold me
I want to nibble your ears
I want to kiss you until my lips melt
and if i did any of that
I would want you in me
desperately
but
it's all that other stuff
I'm trying to focus on
but
I'm having trouble working
maybe
maybe I need to cut back on something
before I lose my fucking mind
completely

i hope that didn't weird you out

I don't really see why it would
but
now I'm paranoid
I want you
I think you're pretty hot


please be in my dreams tonight
I'd rather kiss you
I promise not to hurt you
but
if I could bite, just a little, I'd really
like it

i had a weird sex dream

the guy was someone
I knew him in the dream
but I don't in real life
he looked like one of those underwear models
though
in fairness
I don't think I was actually me
and
it's probably not cheating on dreams
and my alarm went off before
I could do much anyway
but
I kissed him
and I bit his facial stubble
and pulled it with my teeth
which was very very hot
and
I was going to whip him
with a really impressive bullwhip
but
like I said
didn't get that far

for the record, what stuff tastes like

baobab is tasty
amla is pretty bad
but
I've been having a problem
with tasting things
I don't know if it's all the supplements
or
if there's something just really wrong with me
and, if it doesn't stop, I might go to the doctor
but
I find them pretty useless
and expensive
and I don't believe in them, generally
so maybe I am a hippie, dunno
but for it seemed like a week
everything tasted like metallic sand
and i figured it was the emergen-C
because I was taking a really seriously don't get sick formula that was FULL of zinc
and of course
I was taking a BUNCH of it
but, I've stopped
and I still have problems with
astringent and sour, for sure
and I'm not sure anything
is back to baseline normal


I'm just telling you this
because
ya know
just because
not because I want to freak you out
or have you do something about it
you just like to know what's going on with me
and that's what's going on
I've got inventory next week
so hours might be weird


I love you
don't freak out
I'm gonna be fine


I'm making baked ziti
I love baked ziti
I really hope I can taste it
the avocados have been great
I'm going on my second straight week
of every day


I maybe should br more worried
but
I figure
I'll probably lose weight
is that the wrong way to think?
if it drags on
I'll be more worried
I promise
but it's getting better


ok
did I just go on about that
so long
that I made you worried
cause that was NOT my intention

i want to ask you a question in all seriousness

my issues
with health and money aside
the coast is never gonna be clear
why should I not lose hope
or give up
or
just decide that you
just
want me, but don't want
to change anything
don't misunderstand me
I'm not asking you this
like all judgy and accusatory
I really want to know
what you think I should be thinking
not the pretty happy picture
but like the real real truth of it man


can you understand what I'm asking you
in the spirit that I'm asking
because
ya know


I need to understand
the big picture
and you need to understand
that I AM a woman

whatever you are doing this morning

it is arousing me
what are you doing
I really wanna know
are you thinking about me
are you trying to do things specifically to me
are you having sex with her
I wonder
what is the thing that does this

supplements

ok
so I ordered some stuff from vitacost
which I haven't ever done before
but
I wanted dragon herbs he shou wu
and that seemed to be the cheapest place to get it
but while I was there
I also ordered pine bark extract
and rosehips
but vitacost brand
which gives me pause
but the price was great
and the bodybuilder forums seemed to indicate
that people were happy with their products
granted, not those specifically
but they have a 100% money back guarantee
so they probably make it good enough
ya know
or they'd lose money
also baobab powder


so I still have some stuff i need
but
I'm well on my way
to the new protocol


msm with superfruit blend powder
ALA
cordyceps
cayenne
rosehips
pine bark extract
asprin
oh, probably horse chestnut too
I think that's it
oh, maybe chlorella
I already have some of that
also
I'm gonna have an avocado for lunch
every day until I can't do it anymore

i found a replacement

pine bark extract
used to be pycnogenol
which I used to take semi-regularly
back in the day
I think because Spalding Gray said he was taking it
it was more expensive then
but now there's generic pine bark
if I just make sure it's French maritime pine
I should be good
also ho shu wu
I'm gonna stop taking hawthorn, I think
and up the horse chestnut
but I'm trying to get
fewer
with multi purpose


I'm gonna be healthy damn it
and if I can't lift thousands of pounds in a day
and walk back and forth
a zillion times
then I not healthy
but
you can still rescue me from this
any time now

i stopped taking the gotu kola

I was near the end of a bottle
and i was doing a lot better
and I was gonna have a rough week
I thought
hey, maybe don't make it harder


but it's all out of my system
and
I found out it's fertility suppressive too
so
I'm not gonna take it any more
but I wanted to check


we didn't break up, did we
while I was crazy

i think the stuff i'm doing might be working

today
I feel
pretty good

i'm trying to compose a superfruit powder

I wish I knew what baobab tastes like
really it doesn't matter
because I'm gonna mix it with msm
so it'll taste pretty bad
but I'm taking msm crystals in water now
rather than all pills
still use pills at work
and I'm using a natural vitamin c powder
but
I decided I could mix something myself
and save money
so
I'm thinking baobab, amla fruit
maybe noni
camu camu would be nice, but it's super expensive
maybe acerola cherry, maybe
but I don't want any maltodexetrin
and I'm not opposed to adding
something crazy
just for taste
still working on it

ok, i don't remember any dreams with you in them

but
I slept a long time
and i think I only remember the last one
but
it was a doozie
and doesn't completely make sense


there was a part
where I was trying to live with my dad
but that seemed to mean
I lived in my car
my key didn't work
I could never get in the apartment
I could never get him on the phone
I couldn't make I to work on time
because I could never get access
to the shower
or my clothes


but
I also couldn't reach work on the phone
so I didn't know what time
I was really supposed to be there
I figured
by the time I got this resolved
I'd have too many points
and be fired


I went to this building
to try and find my father
there was this museum display
maybe it was cooking implements through history
not sure
it had these little room type things set up
but they weren't chronological


I forgot
I had an ok car
but it might have been a BMW
I had a white on white polka dot leather
like across between a briefcase and a messenger bag
and my key chain had a rubber chicken
not like cute
like old school rubber chicken


I found my father and
brothers (still kids)
and new mutant sibling
it was pretty shriveled on it's lower body
and didn't look quite real


there was a heavy bag
and i had to carry it
through a maze of refrigerators
and then we reached this place that looked like a mine shaft
ok, my father says looking at my brother
either I am
or you are
going to get a trunk on our car from this
leading us down the mine shaft
to the custom kitchen planning room
all our stuff is put into a mine cart
and I'm wheeling it along
I almost run over my mutant sibling
who they have left on the track at the end


and then
my father begins this
bizarre disturbing performance
which is maybe part Blair witch part lion king


he is showing dead frogs
and roots
and I don't know what
to explain how
my brother is like
the chosen king of everything

i fell asleep on the sofa

I dreamed
that I fell asleep on the sofa
and I woke up
I had had a huge glass of ice
which had mostly melted
but was still ice cold
there were mothy shadows on the ceiling
and then I staggered outside
drinking my icy water
spilling it all down the front of me
soak in my tshirt and panties
looking up
before it's dawn, but already lightening
flowers and berries on bowers
above my head
against the sky
then staggering across the yard
to some giant anthill or something
being afraid
then the whole yard sloped upward
to a tree that looked like some sort of alter
then back up to the front door
a young girl screams for help from a window next door
and
I am in a black and white movie
starring Anne Bancroft
I am rushing up escalators
trying to get
somewhere 

i'm not in bed yet

I still need to take my pills
and clean off my makeups
but
I've been reclining on the sofa
and
I'm feeling you
and
I don't want to get up to do that stuff

i have to admit

I've been pretty down lately
and
I have been having a hard time
believing
but
the dead bodies with spears
on the railroad tracks
and
they were wrapped in white sheets
like shrouds
weird

i think i dreamed about you all night

I can't remember most of it
and I don't really have time right now
but
it wasn't what I expected
we were not alone for one second
and there was possibly
the beginning of some sort of
I'm not sure
there were bodies with spears through them
all over the railroad tracks
and
injured people
drinking each others blood
but
there was some good stuff too
and
it was good to see you
let's try it again tonight

i'm going to bed

in just a few minutes
meet me
I need
a hug
and we could talk, maybe

or

maybe
I'm wrong
and
you hate me now

i was kinda scared

that I had pissed you off too much
and
you would just figure I wasn't fun any more
but
I feel you today baby
I love you

the dreams

are all like
redheaded ballet dancer fairy stepmothers
coming out of the woodwork
and living in quirky little campers


I know you're trying to help me


I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings
I sometimes feel like
you don't understand my situation
like you don't hear me
but
you got your own shit to deal with
I know
I probably just need to get laid
not gonna do that though

i'm up to 18 gotu kola a day

and I'm stopping there
I warned you
if you want me to stop communication
i can
but
the filter
it's damaged

i've had very strange dreams the last two nights

i feel you today

I woke up with a goofy song in my head
one I don't even think you'd know
but
then
I have been feeling
like you're
like, petting me, almost
very gently
and
whispering sweet things to me
so
if you're doing that
that is the perfect level of psi-touch
perfect
and
I love you

but, i am much better

just not fixed yet
I'm working almost pain free
and the compression socks
so sexy

no, that was it

I'm already taking chaga and reishi
though not in the quantities I'd like
because I cannot afford to
and i got some Gaia herb hawthorn
so rather than taking a bunch of CVS
my plan is to wean to two doses a day
morning and night of
higher grade
I'm not sure if it will work
but, if it does
it should be better for me
and save about twenty bucks a month
more really
because I'm taking two different formulas
one with turmeric
the nattokinase
I might take every other night
or just one a night, I think
that's not really a megadose type thing
the carnosine
I might megadose a little
for a month or so
but
I've got to get this
cheaper
I thought I'd be aging backwards by now

new supplements

I'm starting to scale back the hawthorn
and a little on the msm
but I'm still ramping up the gotu kola
I'm holding steady on the the ala
and I'm adding in carnosine
not carnatine
probably will take that with coq10 eventually
but
carnosine is an anti glycation
anti oxidant
plus
nattokinase
probably some other stuff
I'll update later

ok, what's going on today

it's like
you're touching me
and remember, I haven't been having sex
for seven years
I got a short fuse
it doesn't take much
I can almost not stand it
the cascade
of feeling through my body
please
whatever you are doing
do it gentler
I'm working here

i think i may have found my perfect blush

I haven't been totally happy
with anything except one
which I like
but
it wasn't perfect
wet n wild berry shimmer
it's kinda red
but if I use like three grains
and blend it out
it looks just like the color
I natural blush
$2.99
who knew

did i ever tell you

I collect
percussion instruments


I don't have as many as I used to
I got rid of some
but
apparently I still do
because we have some at work
right now
that i want, bad


I don't claim
to be any good at playing them
but
I love them


I think it started when I was about nine
but
like I said
I culled them a few years ago
I've only got one drum though
and I don't like it much
it's mostly
things
that would count as rattles
of various sorts

dream with me tonight

I want you there
try
to meet me in dreamland
I'll be there soon
and I'm getting up about 5:30

are you thinking about me, cause it's like i feel ya today too

what's up
I started to say
my brotha
because
I don't know why
silly I guess

i just dreamed

I mutilated my earlobes
for style
at a party
woke up
wimpering

and i assumed i was currently mega dosing

I believe heavily in mega dosing
but
I have just finally
reached a clinically relevant dosage
fuck
so
it's gonna take a while
and I might need to up it some more
but
the ALA is helping
and
only the freaking body builders
are willing to give dosage on that
and they're as bad as me
they're all like
take a couple twice a day
unless you got some funky shit going on
then take four
no, just take four, yeah that's good
but they're talking about RALA
so
I'm taking two
every two to three hours
but
I don't think that has mood altering qualities
but
yeah
that's what I'm like

full disclosure

I just started the first happy happy blood time
I've had since the last time I mentioned it
and
I'm up to like 15 gotu kola a day
so
I'm basically pretty juiced

i'm listening to windup bird chronicles

I think it is one of my favorite books
I had forgotten
how poetic
the language


I really love it

i want to make clear

i'm not asking you
do you think I'm a rockstar
do you think my voice is awesome
look at me, look at me


I'm asking you
if you personally like it
if I'm in the kitchen, doing dishes
and I'm singing
which, probably I am
do you like that breathy phrasing, or whatever


and
I also want to make clear
I wasn't trying to say all the covers sucked
I didn't even listen to most of them
I was looking for a female singer
and there just weren't many
and whatever


I feel like maybe I made it sound
like I they just sucked
and none of the ones I heard sucked
they just didn't sound good enough
for me to want to use their videos


and that's not the same thing, at all

did that "breathy" thing make sense

cause it might be
technically
called something else
but I'm not sure what to call it

i'm thinking about you

i was watching rockstar
which i never saw before
it doesn't really matter, the point is
at the end, there is this song

and i looked and looked for a cover by a woman
but there weren't many
and the one i found weren't good
and after about five pages of youtube search
i'm like
whatever
i'll just post the one with lyrics

all of which made me think of my singing
and that kind of breathy thing i do
do you know what i'm talking about

and i wondered
if you like that
if it's emotive, or just kinda weird
there are other female singers that do it
but
maybe not exactly the same way

i just wondered
because
i think i spent a lot of time suppressing it in choir
and when my voice was all fucked up i couldn't
and when it came back-ish
i think my natural reaction was to go back to "pretty"
but
it is something i've been doing since about second grade
so it's indigenous
and i find myself really playing with it

but
when i was listening to people do covers
i wondered if i am as unaware of myself as many of these people are
and i thought i'd ask you

today was better

don't get me wrong
it wasn't awesome or anything
but
I still have enough energy to go to the grocery store, so, not too bad


I don't understand how I got so jacked up
so quickly
when I thought I was doing well
but
realistically
I may just be broken

i went back to work yesterday

it was rough
wish me luck today
then I'm off Sunday and Monday
hopefully by Tuesday i'll be better

i don't really understand how i can sleep this much

but
I just lie down
I'm listening to the same book
I've been listening to to go to sleep
for a long while now
midnight crossroads
it's by the woman who wrote the true blood books
it's a little better, honestly
because she's left the romance out
it's set in west Texas
in a town that doesn't seem like it could really exist
with a bunch of characters with funny names
bobo, Fiji, creek, lemule, manford
it's more of an ensemble piece
but she thinks she's carefully laying groundwork
for the future
but it's not very stealthy
I guess I like it ok
the reader's good
and it puts me right to sleep
which is probably not what she was going for

not going to work today

I'm now taking much larger doses of the gotu kola
and this morning, before I woke up the first time
I dreamed I had gone to work
even though I was planning to call in sick
unless it was totally better
work had been completely remodeled
and I was sure I was in a dream
but to check
I decided to try to fly
I know I can't fly in real life
and sure enough
I could lift off and hover three or four feet above the ground
so that's like lucid dreaming


I never could fly any better than that in dreams
even as a child


but
after I called in sick
I went back to bed
because my plan is to sleep
everything heals better when you sleep
and I went back to work
but I was completely completely different
and there was an upstairs


I went up the escalator to upstairs
and it was
Christmas trees


then there was some more stuff I don't remember
and I decided to test the lucid dreaming thing
by changing what I was wearing


that was not completely successful


white linen wide pant, I said
with a white linen shirt that stops at the waist
but is longer on the sides
I thought it very hard


I got a white linen dress with a huge lace section below the knee and a ruffle
yuck
I kept trying
I couldn't do it
I did finally da something like
something I can tolerate to be seen in
and got this brown outfit with little turquoise pom pom things on the bottom for fringe
which sound awful
but it was really nice


there was also some really cool furniture
with wine racks built into it


but
that first dress
that it just did not want to let go of
it looked like a peasant wedding dress

i did this meditation exercize

because I've been sleeping all day
and so finally
when I went to bed after dinner
I couldn't sleep
and when I meditated on your name
I saw this beautiful field
with grass and wildflowers
and a lake
and we were together there
and we were in love
and everything was
beautiful


I'm not sure why it was a grassy field
instead of the desert
usually in my fantasies we meet in the desert
but this was very spring
verdant

i dreamed

I was living in the high desert
working at a little store
and I had a whole backpack full of supplements
I don't remember what they were
but
I was sure they would fix me
also
and I'm extremely uncertain what this means
but
it was like I just got dropped into it
I had apparently been living there a while
and you could look out the windows of the store and see these beautiful vistas
and
I was SO happy
and weirdly, also
there was this really cool
soft sided canvas luggage
with graphics printed on
but I wasn't sure
if I had already paid for it
I was looking for a receipt

i love you

I'm not doing that great
I'm spending the day in bed today
it's better, but not as much better as I'd like


I'm sorry sweetheart
I know you want me to be writing
all this inspiring stuff to you
I know that's what I'm for
but, honestly
I just don't feel good


and I'm having all these negative self talk
ideas and images
so everything I start to write
isn't really what I want to say to you


and
that would be pointless


but
what i want, really
is for you to be happy
but
in a strong, confident, rockstar way
like you are the greatest thing going
and
if I were with you
I'd rather put up with bullshit and have you FEEL POWERFUL
than have you be well behaved
and feel cowed
I don't know why that is in my mind so much
maybe because
I prefer freewilled love
maybe because I don't feel very powerful right now, so it's on my mind

and granola bars!

hey, guess what

you know how i said
that the texture of my hair had changed
well, as it turns out, that's not all--  it's getting thicker

like
the thinning that bothered me so much
well, i don't know how much it can have changed
in just a few months
but
i don't notice it anymore
seriously

also
i've had this furrow between my brows
my thinky wrinkle--  which never ever bothered me at all
i've had it since i was like 30--  it's almost completely gone

but
i'm back on the gotu kola for a while now
but, i've got the dreams down to failing tests
and i'm crying at every movie or tv show i watch
and i want to punch people at work
but i'm not sorry to be alive
so not too bad


however
i was having this pain in my back
which might have been from lifting
but i was afraid it was my kidneys wanting to rupture or something
so i decided not to take the msm for 24 hours
to let it wash out of my system
just in case
because i'm taking megadoses
and it's supposed to be nontoxic but blah blah didn't trust
and now my right calf is hard and hot

i'm kinda pissed
because i'm a listen to your body kind of person
and i was pretty sure that was what my body told me to do
but i was doing great
and now i'm kinda backslid


and it took me so long to get to that point

also
i'm pretty sure i've lost some weight
not sure
but i could barely eat for a couple months
all my cloths seem loose
stuff that looked good on me looks kinda baggy/sloppy
my face looks more right
so i'm going with lost weight
my scale is broken so i can't weigh myself
but i don't know what i weighed, so that wouldn't help anyway


also
what i seem to want to eat has changed dramatically
i want bananas
fruit smoothies
tomato and mozzarella

so i probably need potassium and calcium and iron

but it turns out
that mozzarella is pretty high protein low fat
and bananas are cheap
so, baller

hope you are happy and healthy

hope you know I love you
hope
some other stuff

i had a rough day, and i'm not taking the gotu kola tonight

one of the effects
that the gotu kola can have
is to "balance" mood
but
I did not feel balanced
so
if it gives me dreams, whatever
but
if it makes me depressed
then I don't think, on balance it's a good idea
I cried plenty
I don't need more
also
I might be premenstrual
I've lost track
seems right though


so
tonight
I'm hoping for happier dreams


because
I don't really think my life is shitty at all
I've just got stuff
that's sub optimal
happening
a lot of it

brief description

it was something
something about lovers
they were wrapped, draped, something
in maybe silk
or cotton
or paper towel
anyway, white
but rolled out like those old school hand towels, but nicer
and the the guy was Amish
but, no, really he was Jewish
and something about
upstate New York
and
at the top
was my second ever teddy bear Taco
now
one of my earliest memories
so we're talking 2-3 here
Taco lost an eye
and I was hysterical
and my daddy took some felt
cause Taco is a panda bear and he's got black around his eyes
he took some felt and a button
and he sewed a new eye on him
so he could see again

ok now, i had another dream

I don't have time to write it
but
I love you
and
if you are sending me
whatever it is that is making me want to cry
then stop it
I'm not saying its you
it might be my shitty life
but if it is
stop

the most amazing bathroom

I was gonna buy this house
I guess
it was not in a good neighborhood
it had like a 16 foot high ceiling
with a diorama mural of the history of baseball
the floor had those little hex white tiles
but then it also had deft blue picture tiles


I just want to be able to sit on the porch and drink coffee
I was saying
if I can't feel safe to sit on the porch and drink coffee
I can't buy it

no dreams

ok, i have to keep taking the gotu kola

because I think there is a noticeable improvement
but
I think
this is gonna be
difficult


because
even though that dream was better
I wouldn't say
it was a good dream


but
on the plus side
it'll help me write my ayhuasca thing


p.s.
my hair texture has changed
I don't want that, but I need other stuff
so now
it's silky and soft
which makes it less curly
but
it feels good
so there's that

well, that one was better

I was going to see a show
in Oregon
I stopped
had an adventure
stopped at a park
went in some sort of community center
spent the day
talked, made friends
the hot black guy was like
we got to get together
I'm like
I'm too old for you
and I'm kinda with someone
and he's
unh, whatevah and turns away
then I had to go so I could make it to the show on time
I le ft, drinking a delicious cold coffee drink
and thinking what a good time I had
but then
I was walking back to my car woman runs up to me with her pregnant teenage daughter
and, I don't know, wants me to bless them or something
I tell her I don't know anything
I don't have any children
she calls me
a fucking attorney


I walk back to where i left the car
and my beautiful little blue rental is gone
it's been stolen
and I realize
now there doesn't seem to be any way to make it to the show at all

gotu kola

I am trying gotu kola added in
trying to fix a health problem
but
I don't think I'm going to be able to take it
I just had a dream
and
it can give you crazy dreams
so I think we can blame it


I don't remember all the bits
but
a creature
who started out
just looking like a really attractive black guy
but then
took on snakelike features
was rubbing up on me
and I'm like no
I don't want that
and then his neck opened up
below his chin
and started pouring out
I don't know
gore
all over me
and there were
things
bits of stone and bark
and Blair witch stuff in my bed
WTF


I am not well for this


I have to go back to sleep


I know you love me
can you please please please
send pretty happy things to dreamland


I can't handle gothic dreams

ok, probably i shouldn't write this

i was looking a my brother's website
i haven't talked to him
i just wanted to kinda check in

with what i'm not sure

i love his new logo
it's genius

his work
is his work
and i'm not here to critique or praise it, but...

i am having a problem with one little thing

and

i'm having a problem with my having a problem with it


typically i would say to him  your father  
but
i find with this i want to claim him somehow

he laminated my father


why do i have a problem with that?
really, i'm asking.


when we were growing up
he always said he wanted to be taken out into a field in a heafty bag and blown up

to get him to stop
i told him i was gonna bronze him and prop him in a corner

this is somehow, to me, and unsettling mixture of the two

credo

there's a line from a movie i saw once, or more accurately, a conversation from the movie that sticks in my head--  they are talking about addiction.  they are in rehab and asking each other what is their primary.  one character doesn't know and they are all like:  what do you go back to if things are really bad.

well, i have an extrapolated version about art.

i ask myself:  are you a writer or a visual artist.  and i answer myself this way:

when i paint something, and it's good, it has a precious quality because i'm never sure if i could so something that good again.

 when i write something, and it gets lost. i'm like, oh well, whatever i write next will be better anyway.

i say, that makes me a writer.

hey

I feel you
really strongly this morning
what's up

i'm having some trouble writing that piece

mostly because
I thought of several
really nice ways to remove the pearls
but
they might still sound violent to you
also
it kind of defeats the process
if they are just removed
I think I have to know what they are
and
I don't really know what all my
problems are
and
I, to be honest, don't want to
not right this minute
have a dredging of my soul
not because I don't love you enough
but
because
I'm more in the mood to be happy
I'm not
I'm on a kind of weird emotional roller coaster
I need to get out of the place I work
I hate to look for jobs
plus
I don't really want a job
I got other shit I want to be doing
I got money concerns
health concerns
I don't feel at all confident
that I even know what's real and what's
metaphor
I want to be saved
and that makes me a little angry
I feel like my emotions
are a little out of my control


but maybe
maybe what I can do
is write like a draft
better yet
I'm wanting to write 3rd person
I have this really clear bit in my head
but it's more description and less letter
ok
ill do that
coming up

i have this thing

I'm not sure what you'd call it
duh, idea I guess
that I had in a story I was trying to write
years ago
and the story didn't work
it was stupid
all like heathcliff and tower windows
blah blah
but
I've been having trouble with my
jungle training
because I stubbornly want it to be ahuyahuasca (sp)
and so the level of self awareness
that the plant teachers
would have of my flaws
and how they would fix me
well
that's hard to write
and work has been sucking
the juice from my flexors
that connect me to the
well
what i call god
and
I don't have any weed
haven't for like almost a year now
but
I digress
the idea
instead of the things
being like landmines
or scars
they are like bits
shrapnel, maybe
and over the years
your body builds nacre around them
and they become these big
 bloody colored
 pearls
which initially makes them less painful
but as the nacre builds up
they become painful


in most incarnations of this
I'm like digging them out of my flesh
which I like
but
I'm thinking
about some magical realism-y way
to remove them
so
hopefully
tomorrow
I will have another clementine-Rodrigo letter

i have a bunch of ideas and i'm writing something, but i don't know what it is yet

I've been having a rough time lately
and I haven't been writing much
I'm sorry about that

that last one

I am deleting it
obviously it wasn't meant for you
who knows if you saw it even
I'm having a lot of stress
right now
and I lost my temper


I'm sorry
sometimes it hard to
get things nailed down
but
I'm trying


I'm not going to let her make me
a stupid bitch


wait
now, on second thought
if i delete it
this won't make sense to you now


so
now I'm not sure what to do
crap

ok, this against my better judgement

please turn it off
I can't help looking at it because
the kid is too adorable
but
you are too stupid to be endured
if you think I said ANYTHING clever yesterday

i had a dream, and i thought man i've really gotta tell him about it

but
I totally don't remember what it was


even a little
isn't that weird

i dreamed i was working in a grocery store

and I was signed up for
like
an after work yoga class
but
I didn't have any yoga pants
so I was trying to find yoga pants
in time to still get some class time in


not sure what that means
and besides


almost all the pants
I would actually work in
I could totally do yoga in


so
it means something

i don't know if it's my imagination, or what

but
damn
I am feeling you
really strongly
really early
what's up sunshine

you are not the source of my stress

my job
is the main problem
I
love
you

i love you

very much
I wish I could just talk to you
well
that's not really true
I really want to kiss you
and hug you
and
maybe some other stuff
if I can remember how
but
I do wish I could
have a frank and informational conversation
with you
because I have stress
and issues
and I'm not sure
what
or
how
and I want to
know things

i'm in a weird mood

I feel
like quitting
like walking the fuck out of my job
which suddenly became
very corporate
and very
inflexible


I want to be rescued


and it makes me feel like a fuck up
all of that


I probably shouldn't be telling you this

i dreamed we were younger and you were living in the midwest

I went to see you
you worked at a bank
maybe you were a security guard
or a custodian
I was surprised you had a day job
but
I endured the quizzing of your work friends
we went to dinner
I don't remember that part too well
this is the first time you've been to see me that you weren't sick, you said
you quoted some things to me
that I didn't remember
either of us saying
then you said
your friend had called me a blue bird
I heard panther
then you took me for a ride in your truck
but suddenly
we were on the streets
the bumpy streets
where I grew up
with the gnarled live oaks
making the street seem like a tunnel
and we were kissing
while driving
we have to stop
I said
meaning driving
because it was dangerous
these streets had too much traffic for kissing
but
you thought I meant kissing
I could tell
you had been making up a story
telling it to me while we drove
it had been going very well
I was super into you
and i had kissed you
just like I peck type kiss
like carried away enthusiasm
but it had taken, ya know
and now tongues were involved
it was amazing
and I was feeling the desperate throb down below
I in no way wanted to stop
and when you looked in my eyes
with your uncertainty at my statement
you could tell I meant driving


but then my alarm went off
and I risked being late
to try to get back to kissing you
but
I couldn't get back


I love you

i'm holding you and just kinda swaying

i love you
sweet tart

i'm having a sort of fantasy

I just watched an episode of outlander
because of Ronald D Moore
I don't think I like it
but
now
I really want
you
with that new steely jaw look
in a kilt
kilts are hot
but the ones in this show
they are really hot
aacckh

lord, please help me not to be mean to my mother

I had dinner with her tonight
I had had a somewhat challenging day
prior to meeting with mom
I was telling her about
my missing a period
ya know like
once a year
as part of
the pre hopefully menopausal process
and
this is like an example
of what I am continually asking her NOT to do


well, you know
menopause can occur between 45 and 55
and missing periods can be part of it


if you would like to share your experiences with me
I am happy to hear about it
if you just want to tell me
something I might have just Googled
I'm not interested


well
I don't know what you've looked up


if you would like to SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCES
with me
I'm happy to hear them
otherwise
I'm not interested


for example
did you have hot flashes?


I don't think so


really? not ever?


I don't know.


and then i had to explain
how i don't think it's appropriate for her to
do a Roth ira for me


that's your money
you should stay liquid
and, besides
it makes me feel like a loser


plus
I don't want her saying later
I gotta come live with you
I spent all my money on you


and she never just gives
she expects


how
how am I this woman's child?

i dreamed i was working on an album

it was a collaborative effort
and I had three pieces
maybe
maybe it was just lyrics though
because then
then I was performing them
and it was poetry
and
there was a concrete element
so I was collecting large crystals
and soaking yellow raisins in wine
figuring out
overhead projection
the raisins were
representing friends
and i wasn't sure that it wasn't
just a little gimmick-y
maybe
maybe this last poem wasn't any good
I wrote it at the last minute
for the album
and it was
repetitive
and
more pop-y I guess
I was worried
and it seemed such a serious exhibition


then there was travel
and people
and I woke up
tired

ya know how i never had that happy happy blood time

I'm having it now

sometimes the strangest things

come floating to the surface
she has your smile

i'm thinking about you

and
maybe I haven't told you recently
but
I love you
like
bunches and bunches

dream i just had

I carefully excised
using a fairly large needle to cut
antique dr pepper coupons
on bright green colored paper


there were cracked style cartoons
in the old book
which seemed anachronistic
movie stars from the 80s
smashed sandwiches on their faces


then
there was something
it was a huge hit
and I was discussing it
with a gay guy
I knew him in the dream
he was leading the way
info a crowded public viewing space
but
I couldn't stand the crowd
and so
I somehow morphed
space an time
so
another friend of mine
sick somehow
were seeing a concert on a small island
like tiny, manmade seeming
and there were chairs for the sick people
and a blanket on the sand for the guests
I had to fight him, slightly
to get him to sit in the chair
but when I looked at him in the chair
the chair was commemorating
a 12 year old girl
who had died of cancer
and she turned
holographically, or whatever
looked at me from the chair
I identified with her
and started to cry


wtf

i have been having strange dreams

and i'm slightly worried about that last one
I'm doing the best I can
with everything
that's going on
but
now
I feel like
I'm screwing up
I'm going back to sleep

dream i just had

book and books
red books
of illegal testimony
illegally given
illegally written
about
nothing
about to be illegally frivolously bound
in torn kimono fabric


a glass building
radio station
I was almost broadcasting
but
young
a student
somehow I did or did not have my finger on the pulse of these books


it was the early 80s
and
the world
was changing
forever and not for better


I was young
and
you a little older
you thought I completely missed the point
I guess I wasn't gonna be famous


it was all rather confusing


there's a song stick in my head
I can't quite place it
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qOv6ld7erSA


I think that's it

i've got things

things I want to tell you
things I need to tell you
but
I can't tell you
and
you know how I was paranoid and premenstrual
well
never had happy happy blood time yet
but
rather than being sad
thinking it's age
I'm betting it's STRESS
life
it's not going well for me
right here
right now
things were bad last month
but it just keeps getting worse


I don't mean to worry you


you're wonderful
my stress has nothing to do with you


I was stressed out the other night
I asked for a sign in my dreams
and there literally WAS a sign
it said:
TREASURE
but
I'm not sure what that means
either
I am your treasure
or
I'm winning the lottery
or
something else


it makes me happy to think I'm your treasure
I need to win the frakkin lottery
aaaarrrggg, pirates
they got treasure

i love you

I felt you the last few days

i love you very much

ok, i've made myself completely paranoid

so, whatever
I'm premenstrual, I guess
I love you
I think you are awesome
I want nothing but good things for you
so
if I screwed up on anything
anywhere
anytime
just know
it's not because I don't care
ok

and then i didn't feel you this evening

which is maybe
because I confused you
or
you're just busy
or
whatever
but I missed it


I haven't smoked anything
since maybe August
and that makes all that intergalactic stuff
less likely


anyway
I miss you


I'm sorry I'm confusing


I want you, badly

i was pretty much still asleep when i typed the last one

so I missed finer points I think
it wasn't the whole body that was olives
it was eyes and lips, mostly
don't know if that makes a difference
interpretation wise


I love you
but I worry
about the burning
I don't want you to hurt yourself

i felt you all evening

in that intense power surge way
that I haven't for a while
but
I'm not sure what it meant
waves and waves
but
not sure


and
Ouija board
talking to you, it seems like


and I fell asleep and dreamed
something about clothes
and resorts
and
freezing makeup
and
cutting olives
to make a simulated corpse


it was
complicated


but I haven't been remembering my dreams


I love you very much

i'm not ignoring you

I have some unpleasant life issues going on


I love you very much

there's some stuff going on with me

at work
and
it's been distracting me
and
limiting my ability to get time off
plus
my money situation
isn't optimal
and all this is super stressing me out
so
I just wanted to let you know
I really don't know
what's going on with me right now

the tarot says you are super happy

I wish I was with you

i love you

ok, so here's a question

I got this moisturizer in my bag
last time I went to trader Joe's
like, close to a year ago
which I did not purchase
and I was gonna take it back
next time I went
but then
I didn't go
but then after all this time
I looked it up on makeupalley
and it got good reviews
so I tried it
and i love it
I'm almost out
so I went to buy more
and I got home
it wasn't in my bag
so
is that karma?
so, whatever
I called, they had it
I went back and picked it up
then lazt night
I was a tj maxx
I tried on some Betsy Johnson earrings
I left my own earring behind


should i just let it go
am I just going to need to lose roughly the mo etady amount of the moisturizer to balance this


I really like those earrings
I went to tj maxx
they had it


I am complaining or justifying or something


that moisturizer was a gift from the universe
it's not like I stole it
I shouldn't owe karma for a gift


what do you think?
do you have equations like this?


I don't expect an answer
I'm just
asking

i hope you're okay

I've been having bad dreams
and I always worry
that that means you're upset about something

i been thinking about this for a while

I don't have any grievances to air
I've made all my own decisions
And if I come out good or bad
It's all on me
The only grievance I had,
well, it still doesn't really add up, but
whatever, I feel like I understand the motivation, so I'm not fussed


All I ever really need is to understand.


Loving you has been the defining motif of my adult life,
And if that's not feminist enough,
Oh well.


I love you.
I've been thinking about that since Festivus.

brown and purple orchids
bark at me
this lipstick smells like cake

she's so much better

her pulse had been like 45
which is roughly half what it should be

after, like, right after
she had the procedure
it was in the 80s
and she seemed, energetic
she's been pretty exhausted
for a while

I talked to the doctor
and he didn't give off that same doctor vibe
that always kind of offends me

this guy
he gave off a skilled craftsman vibe
I really liked him

so
everything seems good

i had lunch with her yesterday

I've been going two weeks
between visits
and
I like that better
I feel like
I'm not
whatever, as much

so she fell saturday
and I've been checking in all week
she had a heart monitor
and when she took it back after our lunch yesterday
she was short of breath, or whatever
and they took her to the emergency room
and whatever
they're putting in a pacemaker

and
probably she'll be fine
but I don't feel like
anything's gonna be fine
I just see a long march of decay and decrepitude
and
I'm trying to remember
some incident, any incident
from my childhood
where she was loving, and maternal
where she made me feel better
when I was sick or hurt
or something

and
I got nothin
not saying it never happened
but
I got nothing
I don't have this sense of
I'm taking care of my mom, ya know
maybe I should feel this ground swell
maybe there's something wrong with me

but
I just want to run screaming from the room
I don't want to have to take care of her

I just want her to be ok

look, my mom's having a pacemaker installed today

this is all rather sudden
I don't know
how much time
this will take
but
I think

I probably won't get done
what I wanted to

I better not go to hell
is all I'm sayin

I'm freakin out a little bit

i'm working those weird overnights

today is the last one
for this promo
and then
I'm taking the rest of the weekend off

I will be writing something
not sure what
so

I love you sweetheart