I've been going two weeks
between visits
and
I like that better
I feel like
I'm not
whatever, as much
so she fell saturday
and I've been checking in all week
she had a heart monitor
and when she took it back after our lunch yesterday
she was short of breath, or whatever
and they took her to the emergency room
and whatever
they're putting in a pacemaker
and
probably she'll be fine
but I don't feel like
anything's gonna be fine
I just see a long march of decay and decrepitude
and
I'm trying to remember
some incident, any incident
from my childhood
where she was loving, and maternal
where she made me feel better
when I was sick or hurt
or something
and
I got nothin
not saying it never happened
but
I got nothing
I don't have this sense of
I'm taking care of my mom, ya know
maybe I should feel this ground swell
maybe there's something wrong with me
but
I just want to run screaming from the room
I don't want to have to take care of her
I just want her to be ok
