i'm going to bed soon

I'm going to imagine
and
ya know, it's kinda funny
because I go back and forth
sometimes I'm wildly fixated on sex
sex with you
and/or imagining specific things
but then
other times I think things like
I don't even care about that
I just want to hug him
or kiss him
or cuddle with him
like it's very specifically not sexual
but
mostly
there's some kind of flow between the two
and I guess that's normal


concomitantly
I have this fear
that either you only
see me as whatever
or
you only love my mind
and
I have to talk myself down, sometimes
from either position
and
I guess that's normal-ish
given my circumstances
I want you to want me
which is unusual
but
I don't want to be whatever


I'm not sure this is making any sense


I've already fallen asleep on the sofa


I want everything from light frothy sweetness
to really kinda hard core sweaty stuff
but
I don't want the indelicate stuff
to make you think less of me
I'm not sure why it would
but
I seem to worry about it
it's weird


but
I'm going to fall asleep
after
thinking of you and touching myself
I want you bad
but
I want the non-sexual stuff
with the same sort of longing
there
maybe that explained
some of the crazy