it's been a long time since i've seen you in my dreams-- but i did last night.
we were driving across country in a van with two women i don't know-- i'm not sure whether i knew them in the dream. we were talking. i was explaining to you that i'm having a hard time believing that we will ever be together, and that without that belief i degenerate.
i explain to you all the reasons that, logically, it shouldn't really matter. we love each other. there is no guarantee that we will be happier all cheek and jowl than we are at a distance. i don't know how happy she makes you, maybe you need her. maybe you wouldn't be as happy with me, and you would come to resent me.
-- i've been thinking about this stuff like a constant loop in my head, unless i'm actively distracting myself from it-- it's one of the wonders of depression [which is why i think that that's what's going on]-- plus, i don't want to cause the kid any pain, or damage your relationship with her, and i can't help but think of all the ways that things could go bad on that front [although, california state law does somewhat limit how bad it could go with the kid-- but then it also ratchets up how expensive it could get with the other part of the equation], and, i guess when all is said and done....
so, anyway, trouble believing is a problem.
you are driving me to work. that's weird. and i'm not going to my regular job. in the dream i work for a clothing store-- which i haven't done since i was seventeen. [then i worked for miller's outpost for about three months. i folded the jeans the right way once and ended up having to do it everyday all day until i was allergic to denim. i really hated it. it was stupid and boring and i said i wasn't ever going to do that again, and i haven't; although, if you have the right, clothing sales job you can make hella dough; i used to have a customer/friend who won a lamborghini selling clothes in the "women's" {as opposed to like junior's which is smaller sizes} department in saks. that was not salary, that was perks, the lamborghini.
so, anyway, you were driving me to work.
i was not working in my usual location, they were sending me to another store for the day, and i wasn't really sure where that store actually was. so i was stressed about the time and the place and us and really every aspect of the time space continuum, really.
and i was telling you that it didn't even need to be true-- i just needed to be able to believe in it. because i could not continue to exist without the belief in us.
i'm sure you were talking to me, but i don't remember anything you said. that's weird too, huh.
anyway, at some point there was traffic; we were crawling along at a snail's pace.
that is when i noticed mouse.
mouse was running along the side of the highway dragging an electrical plug in his mouth.
