I'm going to go take a hot shower

I may be late 

Roger

I'm pretty sure his name was Roger

conversation with god while i'm not busy at the register

ok
i'm not going to pray that i get fired
i can't quite bring myself to do that
and i'm afraid of that too
but
i'm not gonna pray that i keep the job either

i have faith that whatever happens
is what's supposed to happen
i will follow your lead

i'm trying not to take it personally
but
i'm not having much luck
and
if i'm not fired
i think the relationship is too badly broken
i don't think i'll be able to get over
how disrespected i feel

so maybe it's for the best

it's like the people on master chef australia
if they get sent to the elimination round
and they make it through
they really up their game
and the people who do that a lot
sometimes go on to win

but the strong ones
who do really well and never get into elimination
they are at a disadvantage in the end game
because they have to face it
without any practice
and
the stress gets to em bad

i'm like that
if i had more trouble with work
when i was younger
i'd be better prepared now

and i keep thinking
of the computer books guy at bookstop
i can't remember his name now

you'll always do fine, he said
to me
all of about eighteen
cream always rises to the top

it's a cliche, i know
but i'd never heard it before

and it seemed like such a huge compliment


so what have you learned here

well
i'm tempted to say nothing
but
that's not true
i learned some stuff about me

i don't not care very well
my not caring about a job
is more than many people's supposed caring

i don't equate myself with my job
which is tricky
if i'm doing a low paying job
a going nowhere job
the low value of the job
doesn't make me think that that's what i'm worth
i'm always on board with my cream-ness
even if i don't rise to the top

but
i find it frustrating to have higher standards
than the standard setters

in less than two years
i can go from knowing almost nothing
to being a functional expert

i care more about not being fucked with
being allowed to carry on my work unimpeded
than i care about praise
or recognition

i hate looking for work
and will allow myself to feel degraded
just to avoid the process

there's probably more


it's not a bad list

I'm at the Beck's down the street from me.  It's at least a local chain, not sure if it's elsewhere.  But the thing is.  It's a local hotspot, regardless.  So, I'm at my local restaurant, walking distance and I'm eating inside, because it's kinda hot, even though this place is an eat outside place.  And normally I'd just get it to go.

But tomorrow at 8am all restaurants can only do drive thru or delivery or to go.  No eating in restaurants for at least 15 days.

There are 30 confirmed cases in the greater Houston area.  Most of them confirmed travel cases.  Except two.  Those they can't figure it out yet.

I think somebody came into work with a bag of fast food because I had a craving for fries.  And the best fries, maybe anywhere, but for sure available to me come from Beck's.  I went to the bank and I heard on the radio they were closing tomorrow so I didn't get em to go as planned.

This is more food than I've eaten in recent memory.  I got a Southwest salad which is basically a salad-- but with a bunch of avocado and wood fired queso on top some chips on the side.  And I didn't get any meat or anything on top.  But I did get the pound of fries.  And an unsweetened iced tea.

I was sure I wouldn't be able to eat all that.  But I did.  I'm super stressed.  I'm planning to drink when I get home.  Normally I wouldn't.  I think it's likely that alcohol suppresses immune response and I'm still working.  At least through Wednesday.  But that fucker posted a schedule for next week-- which he never does on monday-- and Jameel and I am still on it.  wtf.  More hours than the 20 I'm working this week-- if I'm in fact working them. 

I thought maybe they decided it would be bad pr to lay off during the crisis.  Maybe they decided just to wait and see if they shut anything down. But Karl says Dennis told him he knows who's going.  He wouldn't tell Karl though.  Good call.  Karl would tell everybody.

So.  If I believe karl-- which I'm not sure I do-- then Dennis knows and is not letting on.

This morning, the daily schedule had me manually written in.

Should I take that as foreshadowing, I asked

What

I'm not on the schedule, you had to write me in

No, no, both you and Jameel are on the schedule

Yes, the weekly schedule, but I am not printed on the computer print out daily schedule.  Is that a sign?

No no I just had a...it doesn't mean anything.

Then he posts this super strangely early schedule and my name looks added in.  The type is tiny, much smaller than everyone else.  Everyone else is normal.  But why post a schedule on Monday.  He never posts it on Monday.

I didn't print out the list of contacts and order days and stuff.  If I go in on Wednesday.  The day incidently when the firing is supposed to occur.  A day when Jameel is not scheduled and which I usually do not work.

If this is not all bullshit that shouldn't be a problem, right.

I'm on my break now

so it'll probably be close to 2

when I get my lunch

so I don't think I'll hear any of today

I love you sweetheart

have fun

💋

Not right now

on the bar tender thing, obvi

if I get laid off

I'm self containing

or whatever

for a while

but

ya know

i fell asleep in the chair
it's very late
i have to go to bed


i impressed upon her
that i don't want her to get sick
please limit exposure

does that mean you don't think
i should go to the gym

i think the gym is full of germs
but there are never more than three people there
it's a very small gym

and when the three people leave
do they run around and wipe everything down with bleach

no
please, just for a little while

have you ever had bad bad flu
where your whole body hurts
you're too weak to stand up
and
you lay in the bed and think
now i understand how people died from this

no

well i have
twice
and this is supposed to be potentially worse
you could die
or
i'm afraid
you could get sick
and have it damage your health enough
that you would have it permanently damage your health
please, please
at this point
i would be afraid to go to dinner with you
i work retail
i've been exposed to hundreds of people
i might get you sick

but
i want to text or call you every day, ok
i want to check in
because i can imagine
my worrying about you
and then not getting a response to a text
and being afraid to go because i might get you sick
and then going
and finding you

not ok
and i don't want to do that, ok

also
she's got 3/4 of her money in the stock market
which i have strongly suggested against
*sigh*

and
i know you don't want to think about this
but you know how i was asking
if you could write down your accounts and important information
in case there any reason that i have to

last year's mail is in a box

please
please don't make me dig through a year's worth of mail
when i'm already distraught and freaked out

ok, sure

i'm very stressed out


i'm not even getting a big premonition
of crisis
i'm still getting
everything's gonna be ok vibes

we're still good, right
i haven't upset you in any way, right
because
i need to not have to worry about that

this is bad
i'm not gonna get any sleep

goodnight sweetheart, i love you

p.s.
i retrieved my TABC certificate from work
because sampling is suspended
so i don't need it there
and
i want to make sure i have it in my possession
because
i don't know which day i might go in
and they say
we decided on jameel
you don't have a job
let me escort you off the premises
and then i might not be able to get it

do you think i could fake my way into a bar tending job
i used to make drinks for my mom
until the incident when she brought home a mixer
with the liquor already in it
and the extra three fingers was too much and made her sick

i make a mean margarita
and i think there's a master class
i've always thought i'd be good at it
because i'm a good listener
but
i've always been uncomfortable
with the legal ramifications
of maybe serving somebody too much
need money
gotta keep those options open

bed!

i got home just as you were starting
so i might have missed a bit
then my mom says
call me
which makes me think there's a crisis
so i called her
she is calling me to tell me it's crazy out there
i fucking know that
i still gotta go to work
until they tell me something

she stood in the fucking whole foods
for 45 minutes

45 minutes
this last winter was the first one she didn't get pneumonia
she's got the heart thing
she's 150 years old
i read a bunch of stories about old people sitting in their cars
in the grocery store parking lot crying
afraid to go in

i thought we agreed that you were gonna order your groceries

it took five hours

so you stood in the contagion and disease for 45 minutes
please please please try to limit your exposure
if you get this
it will be bad

i have to call her back

after i finish eating

i'm freaking out a little
i'm not too worried about getting it
and all my herbal tinctures i ordered have shipped
so i might get them in time
but
she's not in great shape
she has great insurance
but
have you been hearing about milan

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[primal scream]
my mother

I dreamed

you did some sort of video broadcast

your head was shaved

and your face was painted shiny yellow

like blue Man group

but yellow

I can't remember

whether you were saying anything

or whether it was all

like mine or something

and

I had two cars

both ran just fine

one was red

one was yellow

both small batch back-y type cars

then

I was somewhere

not sure where

maybe my house

maybe your house

you wanted me to wipe you down

so I did

with a towel

then I was trying to leave

because I had to get to work

or school

not sure

when someone walked up

and was trying to show me something

then they saw you

and started talking about your video

I think there might have been more

but

I woke up

goodnight sweetheart

please stay well

no

getting

sick

😁

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

💋

goodnight sweetheart
i'm going to bed
found out today
that i'm not gonna know whether or not i have a job
until
monday
and then
the last day will be wednesday
so
even if they let me go
they'll get their promo change in
fuckers

i asked
if we knew when the interviewing would be happening
and he said
oh, no, no interviewing
he sent them an assessment
and they will use that
along with
our rating and such

i think
that is bullshit
and
i don't know what he said in the assessment
but
if i'm "applying" for the job
i should get a fucking interview

these people don't even know what they are doing
they coulda done this shit before hand
and just laid off the loser

this is unnecessary stress


anyway
whatever
i should not be getting worked up about it
it doesn't really matter

they're just so
unprofessional

I had to set up a new email

for the job search

and

of course my first initial last name

was taken

they suggested a string of numbers after

but of course

I'll never remember that

so

first initial last name

.petrichor

I thought that seemed right

_11.8

goodnight sweetheart
i gotta go to bed
my first round of searching
has led me to
i want to go to check out aldi in the morning

maybe i will not like it
there's all this scary talk about
hard work
and fast paced environment
but
it's not a corporation
and
they have benefits

and
i've been interested in them for a while
and they seem to be hiring
so
i want to check it out for myself

i didn't think there was one close
but
it turns out
like 3.5 miles
down between fondren and gessner

_13.8

ok
so
jameel, as it turns out
is going to apply for the job
i'm not sure how he thinks he's going to do it
but
i think
since he probably makes less than me
he will probably get it

so
i may not even have that
so
that is part of why i'm kinda over-wrought
i am kinda alternating between
feeling like i'm gonna vomit
and
feeling like i'm gonna cry
and
sadly
slight glee each time i realize another thing
that they don't know they don't know
and
what a hard time they're gonna have without me
which is not mature
and i'm not proud of it

i went out to dinner with a friend
even though i had planned to hit the want ads pretty hard
because i just needed to stop the constant loop in my brain

i just keep thinking
i want to be a waitress in a diner
but
don't waitresses work for like $2.15 an hour + tips?
i keep trying to talk myself out of it
i've never been a waitress

today
my manager told me that total wine has an opening for an assistant manager
which i already knew
because amanda told me yesterday
i don't really want to be an assistant manager
that is a super shitty job
and
also
one of the physical requirements is
must be able to climb a ladder and lift 50 pounds above your head
repeatedly
i can climb a ladder
i can lift 50 pounds
but
not on a ladder
and probably not above my head

i climb the ladder
i have to hold on
i am terrified i will fall
i let go of the ladder to grab something
i lose my balance
maybe i fall
but for sure i cannot lift a 50 pound box above my head
bring it down to chest height
and then walk down the fucking ladder
not holding on

not willing to do any of that
even once
no

i will move back in with my mother first
plus their ad is the corporate-y-est thing i've ever read
i don't want to work for them

and
how am i supposed to interpret that anyway
his telling me about that

i should have left here a long time ago
and now the universe is going to make me do it the hard way

i love you sweetheart
i'm going to be soon

💋

that was supposed to be going to bed soon
but i kinda like the freudian slip
and
i didn't go to bed soon
but i'm going to now

i'm really sad that i missed the shendig

i'm exhausted
and
kinda over-wrought
and
i have to sleep now
so
if you have a shendig tonight
i'm gonna miss that one too
: (

i love you sweetheart

_15.4

that's the weight I was

when you saw me

in Houston

in 2007

I love you

I think you're pretty great

I'm going to bed now

I'm exhausted

it's all gonna be fine

I'm ok

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

i'm falling asleep in the chair again
gotta go to sleep

i finished the hemp heart butter this morning
and i wasn't sure what to do
because neither the walnut nor the hemp is currently available
both are "back in stock 3/11"
when i looked the other day
i couldn't find anything in the grocery store i thought was acceptable
so tomorrow
i have to do peanut butter
but the next day i should have this
very excited

💋

I love you sweetheart

I'm back down to the 6 down #

hereafter represented as _18

the start for this cycle is _24

my high number was _35

tenish years ago

I doubt you're obsessing about these #s

but

I want to write em down

Imma do morning

about 8ish

after breakfast

so I'm not obsessing about 

lowest possible number

ok
i had a problem with my computer
then everything looked different
and i kinda froze

sorry

i got through the week of brown rice and green veggies
i may take a bit of a soup break

i didn't figure out the when to weigh situation
but
i'm not freaking out about it any more
i'm not sure what all those numbers came across like
but
the difference between 30 and 37 pounds
is not that big of a deal
and

regardless
i'm not gonna look that different
it's more of a health thing
if you understand me
not
a look thing

i just kinda wanted to be the lowest weight you've seen me
but, i don't think it's that big a deal

there's a restructuring going on at work
so
not sure what that's gonna mean, exactly
i do not expect to be laid off
but my regional wine buyer was, thursday
although i heard about it saturday morning

i stocked up on non-perishables
in case the panic over the new thing that's gonna kill us all
causes a run on the stores
hopefully this will all be just another thing to freak out about
but i work retail so i'm more at risk than some

this is another good reason to detox and boost my immunity

my leg is much much better
and the swelling
had i guess been not that great for a while
but since it wasn't bothering me
i kinda ignored it
now
i feel like it's much better than it's been
seaweed over salt

i hope you are doing well
i'm under some stress
but i'm sorry for the silence
i just wasn't sure what was happening and
i worry that i'm gonna say something
and freak you out

this week might be rough
i expect there to be a lot of stress at work
and
i mean
everybody
is already saying
we're all gonna die about CV
when i was at the store
[and full disclosure there was also a broken water main
so the whole city had a water boil order]
people were in disaster mode
but the shelves were not yet empty
that was thursday

this week was weird
really kinda surreal
but not in a good way

today i've been binge watching australian survivor
and
i ate eggs and toast and veggie sausage and potatoes
not like mass quantities
but
i decided to mix it up some

i am considering different ways to make sunflower milk
which i might start using for those morning jing drinks
but in the mean time i have oat milk
i thought
if i made the milk with a medicinal tea
instead of water
i might up the nutrition/building qualities
i have roasted dandelion
and nettle
well, and pu ehr too, i guess

i was going off nutrient density
but i guess i really should figure out my macros

i don't really want to, though

i was talking to my mother
asking her about her protein
now that she's on this vegan thing
because
i have found that i feel pretty shitty
if i don't get enough protein
although i'm not sure how much i actually get
and it varries wildly on a daily basis

and she said:
vegetables have plenty of protein 

in this tone like i don't know shit from vegetarianism
because
i assume
her doctor told her that
not because she's actually looked into it herself

like
you know
it hasn't been ten years
i originally wanted to go vegan
and instead
i have ended up adding in bone both on the regular
and the occasional just straight up chicken soup
although
cutting way way back on the dairy
which tastes delicious
but
has a lot of negative physical repercussions

so idk
i know if you are all raw
the enzymes and amino acids might be able to get shuffled
and create proteins
maybe
that's the working raw foodist theory

i'm pretty sure
cooked vegan
in the form she's doing is of the 80/10/10 format
which is 10% protein
and
i know there is a whole school of thought
that that is like the perfect diet for humans

but
i'm not sure


i've been feeling you today

i love you sweetheart

The morning Jing is delicious

I was concerned

The inclusion of black beans just made me think oh this is going to be weird

but what it tastes like is black sesame it's delicious just absolutely delicious

It's better on its own than it is in coffee I had hoped I could maybe combine them but I enjoy the coffee with the soy milk better without the added flavors

which doesn't surprise me cuz I've never really been a big fan of things like mochas and flavored coffees and etc

I hope everything's really good

I love you sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

I'm falling asleep in the chair again

I hope everything is good with you

hope

I didn't just confuse you

trying to be cute

I worry

💋

the shaman shack stuff got here
the sea clear
i mixed a little with my rice
it's a nice condiment
it's got kinda a mustard-y vibe
the vinegar is pretty tangy
i'm not sure how it's gonna be as soup
i'll have to play with it and see

the powders
i didn't taste them yet

i increased the wheatgrass and chlorella

i had avocado with my brown rice
i love avocado and brown rice
it is seriously one of the most comforting food combinations ever

my head hurts though
i think the weather is still changing
or changing again

i gotta go to bed

oh
i forgot

i got a scale
and the first day
which was several days ago
i was disappointed
i wasn't sure how much to think i weighed

but
i thought i had lost that 15 pounds, or whatever
and then maybe i gained back some of it
but definitely not all of it

and it was in the evening
so not like lowest possible weight of the day
but
it was about 10 pounds less than my high weight
and that made me sad
i thought
i'd be more like my 2007 weight (or less)
i knew i wouldn't be my 2011 dallas weight
when i felt really sexy (ish)
i mean
that was approximately my 2003 weight
which i think was approximately my 1994 weight

i tend to fluxuate up and down, ya see

but then two days later it was six pounds less
and tonight i'm halfway in-between

so
idk
i need a schedule for weighing time
and
i guess i wanna lose 37 pounds not 30

i mean
i wanna lose more than that
but
like for now
i guess my 27 year old weight would do

headache
gotta go to bed

i love you sweetheart

goodnight sweets
i gotta go sleep fast
did the rice and collard greens gig for dinner
no prob
i'm tryin to think of some reason to say fuck ton
because it's a fuck ton of fun to say
it's retinol night
maybe my face will peel off
prolly not tho

imma go try and dream about donuts
and maybe some donut holes
nudge nudge, say no more

you know you know that reference, don't even 

💋

Ok

so I drove down memorial drive today

and the burning question on my mind is

what is the land bridge

"coming in 2021"

also

when the fuck did Houston get a voodoo donut

and why was I not personally informed?

I didn't go

but

I mean

sadface about that

so now I'm sorta off the wagon having Thai food

but

I feel like it was a save from donut lunch

and I was headed there

hard

hope you're having a good day

💋

Ok

I got that wrong it's 2022

and I still don't really understand it

but

it's a triumph of green over gray

so we can all sleep safely again

it's part of a renovation

that they made sound like it might help with the flooding

they cut down a fuck ton of trees

and they're "reclaiming" some wetland

so

they're calling it a prairie

but

if they're reclaiming what was here

they're cutting down trees to make

a swamp

also

Voodoo's only been here a couple months

so
the chlorella/wheatgrass/oatmeal bar thing
worked fine
but
i was pretty hungry when i got home
the miso came
so i decided to have that
that was fine too

but
i cooked the dashi
and then mixed the miso into the bowl
to try to retain the ferment
[if you cook it too much it kills it]

i cooked too much dashi
i wasn't getting full
just then really really had to pee

the dregs in the bottom of the bowl were the best bits

so
i think
[it's been a while since i made miso
and i never tried to do it like all fast and stuff
i put leeks or spring onions and shiitakes and stuff]

i think
not much water
a whole bunch of miso paste
and maybe some nutritional yeast
and
those dulse are really good too

i have to go to some training tomorrow
on my day off
at the heights
so
i'm getting up super early
to miss the traffic

i'm going to bed in a few minutes
i love you sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
i'm going to bed
i love you

💋

wait-- i want to lead with this!

i found a new favorite food!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well
maybe that doesn't 100% accurately describe the situation
i've had this before
but it's like
you've had canned tuna sandwiches
and then you have seared ahi tuna
seriously
it's the same food
but not really

dulse

it's got this smokey umami flavor i love
but
i get it generally in
toasted sesame oil
smoked cheese
stuff like that
high calorie stuff
this is seaweed

seaweed is good for you
and practically calorieless
i was thinking miso soup
but
i like seaweed in brown rice
so i sprinkled it on that tonight
[with steamed green beans]
and it was awesome
love love love

it's like other people are with bacon
me and this seaweed are now
i'm ordering a big bag from the maine seaweed people
who have the delicious sweet kombu
which is obvi gonna be the base for my miso

this stuff is too expensive
i didn't realize how not far this bag was gonna go
it says 30 servings
but i think it's more like 4


so so excited!
#yum

ok
things for today
so many things
i felt pretty good today
and i've been feeling pretty shitty for a while now
all the things i used to take
pretty much are on again

natto and serra
msm
ala, alcar, nac

i was taking phosphatidyl choline
added hawthorn
horse chestnut  --  crap, i forgot hormones, god damn it
whatever, extra hormones tomorrow

one of the things serra does
[although for me, only when i first start taking it]
is clear your sinuses
so
i could taste the hemp heart butter really well
and
it's not quite as great as i thought
i'll still eat it
but
i much prefer walnut butter, i think that one wins for taste for sure
pros and cons of hemp butter--  maybe more research

I thought maybe I had scared you off with my talk about my hideous leg

but then I felt you last night

kissing my lips

my neck

my shoulders

and then

I felt you

quite convincingly

push into me

most of the feelings

sexual feelings

have been much more abstracted

but

not this

this was quite concrete

then

I started spasming

gloriously

upset the cat

gave myself a cramp

had to stop and give myself

a pelvic massage

which was ok too

did not have to get up and walk it off

which would have really pissed off the cat

Leg's better

still looks very irritated

I'm going to bed early

try to get extra rest

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

hope everything is good where you are

💋

so
years ago
like when i first started working here
i did this thing
where for lunch i would take chlorella and wheatgrass tablets
and i would lose about 5 pounds in the week
i'm not sure i'm gonna do exactly that
at that point i was standing at a register all day
so
i didn't need any energy
but
they are both detoxing
and nutrient dense
so
i ordered those
and
hatcho miso
which isn't my favorite flavor-wise
but it is detoxing and nutrient dense

i figure i need a lot of detoxing
and internal anti-aging

i ordered baby dulse too
mostly because i want to jazz it up
but
also detoxing and nutrient dense

also that other stuff

i need to drop about 30 pounds
detox
dna repair
i'm on a regime of supplements
but
i'm gonna have to go back to some of the old ones briefly

i gotta do nattokinase and serrapeptase heavy for about a month
msm heavy for about a month
then
let the dust from that settle
maybe do the master cleanse for like 3 days

i'm gonna do mostly brown rice cooked in bone broth
and a green vegetable for dinner
as much as i can

i've started back with nut/seed butter toast for breakfast
and i prefer walnut
[which is very nutrient dense]
but today i had hemp heart butter
on my dave's killer 21 grain bread
and
it really held me

i only had a corazon bar for lunch
they are pretty tasty
oatmeal and phytosterols and banana
and then i wasn't even that hungry for dinner

but
i had a setback with my legs
they've been doing pretty well, generally
so much so that i have stopped taking every single thing i was doing for them
including eating all the organic fruits
which i stopped doing sometime in november
when i freaked out about my money situation
besides it wasn't really working for me
that stuff was coming on thursday
but my monday or tuesday sometimes it wasn't any good
i was throwing a bunch of it away

so
lunches have strayed from bars
to naughty things i enjoy to eat
like popcorn

so
my legs
they swell a little
and they are sometimes a little pink
but today

today
my right leg looks sunburned
it is red and slightly purple-y
it doesn't hurt
i worked on it all day
but
it worried me

i went to the drug store
and i wanted coco butter to put on it
but there's no fucking coco butter without a bunch of crap in it
and i know better than to put "fragrance" or alcohol
on my irritated flesh
you'd hear me psychically screaming where you are

so i got shea butter 100% raw
which is acceptable
i didn't want to use coconut
i didn't feel like that was the right thing
even though it has anti bacterial properties
i don't think this is a skin infection

i also got compression socks
which i hate exponentially more than regular socks
but i just put one on the right side
the left leg looks extra good after the shea butter massage
except
looking at it in the light
the strong light
imma have to figure out how to shave without destroying my
fragile leg skin
my hair is invisible
and so doesn't ever bother me at all
but
if you get a strong enough light on it
it's visible
and it shocks me
because i never ever see it
or even feel it because it's thin and sparse from waxing
so
like if i run my hand along my leg
i don't feel hair
if i look at my leg
i don't see hair
if i shine a strong light on it
i kinda make that vampire in the light hissing
blocking my face action

maybe some kind of electric razor
i'll have to figure it out
because now i'm grossed out

it might just be all the heater action
that's what set everything off before
like a straw that broke the camels back action before

so
anyway
that what i'm doing today

hope your day was good


i have a cica serum
that i found oh so fucking cheap

i used it for the first time last night

and then again today

and everything is almost gone

so

we'll see

what tends to happen now is it clears up

almost totally

and then i do something that aggravates it

use a mask

or an acid toner

so

i think imma stick to the two masks that i'm pretty sure

are 100% safe

merle norman miracol

and

earthwise beauty sungod

and

pa'akai [compromising with no beauty water]

and physical exfolliation [i have a sample of african botanics buchu

which is wonderful]

i think, with the retinol

i'm going to

rather than try to get closer together

and then i have to keep up with the days

i'm going to compromise by doing it twice a week

so it'll hit 3 and 4

and

if it seems not to want it

i'll just skip that dose

not just go to the next day

anyway

that was a long way of saying

i might use the cica serum on my leg

but i will not be taking it internally again

i don't want to be psycho

i feel like my moods are pretty manageable now

i just realized my spellcheck is gone

that's fucking weird

i typed manageable without the e and said

no there should be an e, right

and there was no spellcheck

i had to look it up on my phone, huh

anyway

most of this is not interesting

but i'm obsessed with working out these

protocols

what is the most effective

least expensive

most emotionally gratifying skincare

that will clear my blemishes

and make me not look older than say 38

i wanted 28

but i've given up on that

and

of course the training protocol

is exciting

i worked on that all day

goodnight sweetheart

i love you very much

I'm starting to fall asleep in the chair again

And I still have a super bad headache

So I'm not going to really write anything right now

I like the new updates

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

message from the universe?

this morning

when I opened blogger

it was on "somatic shrine"

which I think I made private

and

regardless haven't written in for years

it opened to 01/12/12

it had a picture of the puppyfish

and it said

"hi"

I've been haunted by this all day

how the hell would that have

just happened

to come up

I don't even remember putting it there

if I'd been looking

I'd have looked under

puppyfishing

or whatever it is

my first choice was taken

so it's slightly off

God my head really hurts

Cold flash is a thing

I looked it up

I've never heard of cold flash never ever ever ever ever

And I think as far as night sweats mine are pretty mild and actually it might just be that I was wearing a ton of clothes and a ton of blankets and I'm on a Tempur-Pedic mattress that holds in heat

But the things I'm calling night sweats or when I wake up and I'm all sweaty and my clothes are wet

I've never actually had it be so bad that I had to change bedding but maybe I'm just more hardcore than the average woman

But even being warm when I'm sleeping is kind of unusual at a point in my life when I was trying to do that temperature fertility tracking what I found was when I wake up in the morning my body temperature is like 68 or something

So my natural sleeping is like kind of corpsey

although in fairness at the time I was sleeping with a guy who had a waterbed and it turned out he was not using the heater in the waterbed because he was hot all the time so it was wicking away all of my body heat

so probably in the mattress that retains heat I don't get that cold

but to wake up hot and sweaty is not a common thing for me even in fairly hot weather unless you know I don't have a fan or anything going

so if I wake up sweaty I call it night sweats but it may not technically be that intense and to be honest with you the nights what's really don't bother me that much but that cold flash thing that was kind of scary I mean

I just could not get warm and I was shaking like I had some kind of palsy

Anyway I'm still cold

Normally I take a leisurely hot shower

But today I'm like rushing through and drying off and putting on clothes because I mean I was cold when I got out of bed because I was all wet

And I don't normally need the temperature to be 70 in order to not be cold

Well I mean maybe that's not true

Maybe when I'm taking my shower and stuff I always need it to be like 70 to not be cold but I'm not wet anymore

I'm just a little concerned that today is going to be unpleasant

But oh well

I hope I hope your day is good at least

I love you sweetheart

Ok

Working Theory

COLD FLASH

followed by night sweats

YAY!

Still have a headache

but

I don't think I'm sick

Okay maybe I'm getting sick I don't know I now have on socks I hate socks I hate socks and pants and a shirt and a hoodie that I have zipped up and the hood pulled up and I've been standing under the heater vent and it says that it's almost 70 now but I still am shivering too much to type so that's not good

So my head hurts really bad but I don't feel sick specifically hunt just feel like I can't stop shivering

I really hope I'm not sick because my mom her immunity is not so good I didn't I don't go out with her if I think I might be sick but I didn't but now I'm not so sure so I guess we'll see how I feel in the morning I'm the opening person so I can't actually call out if I am sick so I hope I'm not sick and don't feel all that super coherent but I have been kind of short on sleep though I feel like I got a lot of sleep on Saturday night

so I'm going to go get under my whole blankets and polar fleece blankets and see if I can get warm since standing under the heating vent and standing under the heat lamp in the bathroom didn't do it although it's better it's better and now my head feels kind of hot but I'm still shivering a little

I'll let you know in the morning

I love you

And I dictated all this stuff because I couldn't couldn't text him besides it's too much so I tried to kind of edit it while I went but if I missed something then don't get upset

Good night sweetheart

I went to dinner with my mom

On the one hand she looks really tired and her face is more wrinkly

On the other hand she doesn't have all these horrible bruises all over her arms her arms look great

Because since she's on it all plant-based diet she's getting more like vitamin k or whatever and they've cut down her Coumadin so she's not all blood thinned

And she seems like she is doing really good

She said she feels really good

She was supposed to go for a consultation about a procedure that her doctor wants to do for her defib

what she's had for years and she has a pacemaker

I can't remember now what the procedure is called but they go in and they shock the back of your heart and it doesn't seem strangely enough to be a very risky procedure it's like outpatient

Except of course that she's old and they have to give you sedation they don't use full on anesthesia but they do sedation

Her doctor told her it's the same stuff that Michael Jackson took to go to sleep like that's going to mean something to her it doesn't even mean something to me but I guess it does make clear that it's less anesthesia than sedation

anyway she was supposed to go for this consultation and she never called me to tell me what happened so I was asking her but she didn't go

Which I was not invested in her having weird procedures so I get it I wasn't following up because I wanted to make sure she was doing it I was following up because I wanted to know what was going on

So but she told the doctor that she was afraid and she wanted to wait and would it be possible to wait and he said yeah they could try the food thing for another 6 months

And I mean the doctor that put in the pacemaker and her previous doctor seemed to think she had defib she had a pacemaker everything was fine they weren't even really checking up on her at all

so that makes one wonder does that mean she didn't need to be checked up on that everything is fine or does that mean that they didn't give a s*** and we're pretty incompetent

This guy I don't know he started off seeing her every week and I think that's good because he was taking her off medication and doing all kind of stuff and that requires actual monitoring which for a while it sounded like he was not doing but now maybe he's doing it she said he puts all her information on a website that she can go and look at all her diagnosis and stuff and I had asked her last time if I could have that link so I could look at it and see hemmed and hawed and seemed like she did not want me to

Anyway it's freezing here well not technically technically it's 46 degrees but that is very very cold and I have a really bad headache because I think there's a front coming through or something and I have to go to work and I only got like 5 hours of sleep last night so I'm going to bed now

I love you very much ❤️

I'm sorry

I got really sad and didn't have anything to say

I fell asleep in the chair again

goodnight sweetheart 💋

❤️

just so you know

I didn't pick it for song content

specific songs are not important

just time and place

and

quality of video

I'm not trying to tell you

something

I was just having a moment

hope that helps 

i love you sweetheart
i gotta go to bed
but i'm thinking of you
have fun with the rest of your night

i never snapped to the bowing thing
pretty cool

I dreamed

I had to start setting up beer displays

in my house

I don't want to do this, I said

no one is going to see them here

and I don't want to look at them

also

I had an odd painting arrangement

it was small, like 9"x12", paintings

organized into a large rectangle on the wall

3x4 of them I think

then

I was a commedian, I think

I was Asian, I think

my father was Asian

I think I was male

my father didn't think I was funny

and he was going to beat me with a golf club

he kept talking about the impact the golf club was going to have when it hits my bones

also there was something about a box

cutting away the sides of s box

while still maintaining the structure

not very happy dreams

But

I really want to see you

I'm gonna figure it out

I love you sweetheart

idk currently things look bad
i'm working on alternate income stream ideas

i should not have gone to dallas
dallas is a bad omen place
i'm never going there again

i had been wanting to go to colorado
and i had this trip all planned
then i realized
i could in no way afford it

and i should have realized how much less money i had than i thought
i tried to ask you if i should skip it
but you didn't understand

and other stuff

but
blah blah blah

last night

when I got into bed

I actually felt your lips

kissing me

the sensation on my mouth

I don't remember ever feeling that before

I've felt like I was holding you

I've felt various bodily sensations

but

I can't recall kissing

isn't that kinda strange?

but

I'm not complaining

it was amazing

more please

💋😁

💋

❤️

goodnight sweetheart

💋

talking heads is pz's fault

but I'm not mad at it

ooo I just saw this one

I know it'll be stuck in my head

i woke up with the worst headache i've had in months
but
somehow
and this is weird with a bad headache
i kinda felt good
so
i staggered around and drank my soy-milkcoffee
[it's like almost half soy milk now]

but, wait
i'm making it sound like i did all that before i peed
which isn't true
i alway pee first
sometimes i look at my phone before
sometimes i check my skin before
but
i never go make coffee before i pee

when i was a teenager i once slept 17 hours without getting up to pee
now
i very rarely sleep more than 5 hours without getting up to pee
wow
this got off track

when i went to pee
i realized
i'm starting my period

i had really thought there was a good chance that wasn't gonna happen again

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

💋

💋

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

i fell asleep in the chair
and then i fell down a rabbit hole
(choline)
anyway

i've been using retinol
i've used it before
never, i think, in a particularly high concentration
but
the green beauty people made me think i should avoid it
but
i have aging and breakouts
which will not resolve
and retinol is a cure for both of them

so i'm back on the juice
5% retinol
and i'm trying to acclimate my skin to it
no rush, ya know
so i'm up to every four days
and i haven't really had any peeling, but
the breakouts did increase slightly
and i think i'm a little drier
but i think my skin type has never been dry or oily
i think it's always been (sort of normal/combination)

i don't have problems with "oily"-ness, but i do have pore issues
sebum plugs in my pores
which mostly present as blackheads
and little bumps
which i pick
my more recent hormonal issues have led to some cystic bumps
but not in large quantity
i always had small pores
but the aging thing makes em stretch out
which exacerbated the clogged pore thing
but
i feel like i've almost beat it


if i had a dollar for every time i've said that

but
i'm both ever optimistic about my experiments
and desperate to feel like i can control some aspect of this menopause crap
and plus like i sublimated my sexuality into skin care rituals  = )
but
i put these hydration elements on my skin
and follow with a beeswax based salve
and
now
i'm convinced that if i just had a morning cleanser that would remove
what has got to be softened sebum plugs
i will have the last piece of the puzzle

it's tricky though


and
it's made me think about the first time i tried skin care

i was in second grade
and i somehow got my hands on a pink jar of mary kay night something
which was weird because there was avon everywhere
i think deborah had friends that sold it
but no mary kay
yet here it was like magic
and
it was basically pink Vaseline
i doubt i washed my face before hand
maybe i did
and then i smeared a little bit of it all over my face
massaging it in
it felt
i don't remember
efficacious maybe

i woke up with three little whitehead pimples
the tiniest, least threatening, little pimples you could imagine
i scraped them off with my fingernail and moved on

this cream was apparently for "older women"

and
my whole life i've had to walk this line
of things being too heavy for me
or too stripping
i didn't have problems, exactly
but
i always liked milky moisturizing cleansers
and a very light moisturizer
or maybe just a serum

now
i'm slathering on the heavy occlusives
to keep the hydration in
because i've maybe always had a problem with dehydration

it's still good skin, though
and glow-y
today i put on makeup to cover the spots
and i thought
i don't think that looks nearly as good
maybe i could just find a concealer
i really don't want to cover it up


i love you sweetheart, sleep well

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

i haven't been able to write the sex scene

i woke up this morning
and
i tried to masturbate
i haven't in a long time
and
i thought i'd give it a go
it was not completely unsuccessful
there was lubrication
which i was worried might not happen
that's what i've been reading
and
i did [sort of] finish
but it was weak
and i'm not a one time girl
i mean
i typically would not consider less than three or four
to be even marginally finishing

but
ya know
i'm out of practice and i may need to buy a device
anyway
that didn't put me in the mood the way i hoped it would
but
it did make me feel kinda warm and cozy
and ya know
i told myself how much i loved me and stuff

so then
what i really wanted to do
was go to coffee shops
and walk along canals
and
live in a canal boat with you
and
i tried to work sex into those places
i was originally thinking of locations
and
it just ended up being a like joyful romp through the happytown
happy to be alive, moments of joy
spinning down the street in the sunshine

i had a great day with you
but every time i tried to work things around to sex
it just seemed sort of heavy and intense

i'm sorry
i know i said i would write it
maybe you were really looking forward to reading it
but i couldn't


goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

so now you're wearing a tuque
and a peacoat
you're sidling up to me
askin me if i've seen the "white whale"

have i ever been to the spermaceti room

i have not


up till now
you've had your coat pulled close
hands in your pockets
squinting
you've said aaaaarrrrr more than once
but now
you lean dramatically against the wall
all your weight on one hand
your coat falls open
you shift your hips popping forward
you are wearing thick canvas sailor pants
the kind that button up on both sides of a front placket
they are wide leg and not especially form fitting
but
as you push your hips forward
something is moving in the front of your pants

maybe it's an eel
some dread sea serpent
hell, maybe it's animatronic

i think of the bull in urban cowboy
shit, that's mixin metaphors

it's just the urge to ride
i guess

i gotta go to bed now
please come dance in my dreams
i'm pretty into this concept

i love you sweetheart

so
you've been dancing around in my head
you're up on an gantry
which completely circles the room
i'm in the lower room
which is dark
and smoky
and slightly strobing
[somewhat based on early 90s pacific street]
but also
not like that at all
the chairs look like giant peyote buttons
and there are brightly colored phantasmagorical images
swirling around
which might be an elaborate light show
or might be hallucinatory

you have traded your pixelated block edit
for an enormous cod piece
it's a prickly cactus
with a flower at the end

which is ridiculous
but
somehow
mesmerizing

weird fantasy stuff that i saw in my head last night

when i was thinking about you in suspenders

suddenly i saw you
in the suspenders
and
some sort of like chaps
there was a point in my life
when i saw men in chaps
semi frequently
and it's kinda weird to see a grown man
walking down the street with his ass cheeks exposed
but
the front was always covered
and
i can't now remember how that worked
if the front was leather
or jeans
but

in your case
for the sake of this fantasy
it was the front that was uncovered
so
like your leather fetish suspenders
were holding up these leather chaps
and your man parts were exposed

i found that enjoyable
although the focus was a bit hazy
i, apparently, have a pretty clear idea
of what kind of penis i like
though i haven't really seen that many of them
and i'm very hesitant to paint myself a picture of yours
because
i guess i still think i might see it someday
and i don't want to ruin it
but having painted myself into a corner


i didn't picture the actual sex, either
i guess it was enough to watch you
strutting around
in leather chaps
but
i guess i should mention
not like leatherman black leather
no
and not assless

it had a more cowboy vibe
rawhide leather
and jeans
with your leather suspenders
and

your slightly out of focus
slightly morphing member

which now
i'm kinda picturing as a mildly pixelating block edit


so
some sexual thoughts
weird
but
present and accounted for

= )

this is stuff i would edit out, but maybe stuff you should know, so yucky outtakes

i slept super late
in fairness
i was up super late
after i fell asleep in the chair
i was up another few hours
off and on

the last few days
i've been hormonal
i started to say depressed
but
that doesn't cover it
it's been
hopelessness and anger
and wistfulness
some other less nameable states

there's been some mucus down there like there might be
something still going on
and that
gives me some emotion as well

i'm trying to get this hormone stuff down
pregnenolone and progesterone
and maybe i need estrogen
my body is demanding lots of soy milk
i actually feel better since i'm back on the soy
after the eggnog of xmas

i want to see you
but
full disclosure
i'm not sure when i'm gonna be able to do that
my finances are pretty bad right now

for the record

I like the suspenders

I wasn't trying to put you off em

they just startled me

but

now

I miss em

i fell asleep in the chair again

didn't get to hear you

hoped it would be archived

I hope you had fun sweetheart

I love you

very much

you're so adorable 

goodnight sweetheart

💋

💋

goodnight sweetheart 

I love you very much

I love you

I love you sweetheart

I don't know if you expected me to be there

but

I never said I could be there

so

I hope you're not mad at me for that

I gotta go to bed

I'm holding you in my dreams

i love you
i'm so sorry
*deep hug*

i'm doing a week of raw
to try to get myself back on track
i may do a week of raw a month
or
i may just try to replace
a lot of my regular food stuffs with raw versions
i may then do
like a week of bone broth
or vegan
or
some other stuff

i ordered some used cookbooks
i had this cookbook that's gotten lost somewhere over the years
daily specials from the moosewood restaurant
it's all soups and salads from their daily menus
moosewood is a vegetarian restaurant that's run by a collective
in Ithaca NY

so
i ordered that, hardback, an old library edition
the one i had was paperback
so this should last better
i also ordered
a low fat
and a cooking for health
cookbook
also used library editions
the first one should be here tomorrow
the other ones are coming book rate
so
sometime soon-ish
the health one
the lowfat one
the daily special one
i saw this one on an tv talk show with the author
when i was a kid
and
then when i was looking for a cookbook later i recalled it
but
there were other one
which looked more interesting
so
i've never bought the broccoli one
ok, maybe i wasn't a kid exactly
i was remembering more like 79 and it was 82

i love you sweetheart
meet me in dreamland

Cheesecake

Cherries

Modus Transportati

California Coastal Architecture

Do this don't do that, can you read the signs

I fell asleep

in the chair

in the midst of writing this

here's hoping

her rockin my dreams

PS

Tender

Tinder

Whaaaa?!

i love you sweetheart
i gotta go to bed
i was looking for stuff
but
it will have to wait
til tomorrow

*kiss*

yeah?!

the other day at work
my finger was feeling like i jammed it
i didn't have any recollection of jamming it
but that's how it felt, ya know
my pointer finger on my left hand
so i was holding it up
and kinda stretching and bending it
ya know, kinda puttin it through it's paces
wondering if i had arthritis
this guy comes up to me and asks me:
what'd you do to your finger?

so i tell him about it feeling jammed, but blah blah not probably
he says:
can i see it?
in what struck me at that moment as, well
let me just say
my brain seems to have added

i am a practitioner of traditional chinese medicine
(or chiropracti, anyway)

so i hand him my arm

he looks at it

and
he jams his right pointer finger into a point
just above my wrist
hard

and i'm thinking:
OUCH!
(but, ya know, it always hurts when you find the messed up spot)
and
(that could totally be a meridian)

but then
i'm thinking:
NO!  OUCH!
and i'm like:
that hurts!

and he presses in

and my brain is like ABORT!  ABORT!
and i am trying to pull my arm free from this man
who has suddenly become

inscrutable


and he looks at me:

i think there's something wrong with you

I really like the version of RS with all the wood block and interesting percussion

and minor key piano

was just listening

I fell asleep in the chair

and I woke up to a commercial for

Zoey's extraordinary playlist

which seemed to be like the whole thing streamed

there's this scene where everyone sings HELP!

I haven't heard that song for a long time

it really holds up

I'm not sure she's a good enough actress to pull off this show

she sounds sarcastic inappropriately

but she's cute

it reminds me of the buffy musical

but her mother is Mary Steenburgen

who is a truly wonderful actress

and their relationship

mother-daughter

makes me a little jealous

I love you very much sweetheart

I fell asleep in the chair again

I love you

Ok

so

I'm still super stressed

and I don't know what you want to know

I'm kinda ok with the barren crone role

I was ambivalent about kids until I met you

with the exception of a little bought of crazy at 27

I wanted to have kids with you

but

honestly

I'm not sure I could start with that now anyway

and

I mean, it might change

but

right now

if somebody said happy mother's day to me

I wouldn't even cry

but

I am a little worried about the

night sweats and hormonal issues generally

and I don't want you to lose interest in me

but

I have never said anything like holding you to account

and

I really hope you could tell from context

that I wasn't saying that

otherwise

I don't think anything I said was new

so I can't see you being upset

but

I'm extremely agitated that you are

so

Def a good day to see Mom

I love you sweetheart 💋

I'm getting stressed out again

I'm just trying to talk to you

now I'm worried

my having a headache is not code for something else

I was just telling you about my day

I love you

I am paranoid

just

know

I love you

I'm not trying to say anything inconsistent with that

I can't write now

gotta get ready for work

Into account

NOT HIM to account

my headache has never gone away

I did eat some cheesy scramble and some hash browns

I talked to my mom on the phone

we're going to dinner tomorrow

I hope you're doing ok

I used the umbrian clay mask

I like it

it's not too drying

and it's claims of energizing the skin

may be accurate

I took a very long shower

I could almost not stand to get out

anyway

I still have a headache

and I'm not really sure what else I did today

I fed the cat a bunch

he seemed agitated

and extra hungry

I can't explain why, I've no idea

but he was adamant

he's been trying to not hurt me

but today I really tried his patience

poor Kitty

It was great to have two days in a row off

usually that doesn't happen unless I'm on vacation

my whole working life

such a shame about the headache

anyway

no big deal

I wandered yesterday

I begged today [vegged- edit- damn auto correct]

tomorrow I have to see my mom

circle of life

or something

I love you sweetheart 

💋

I'm not going to brunch

I woke up with a very bad headache

and I'm not going to waste brunch money on a day where I can't enjoy it

I hope you're feeling good

no headache

do you get headaches?

I don't even know

good morning sweetheart

I love you

I went to the mall

Although truthfully I spent the majority of my time in Sephora

I think I tested every essence they have in the place

But what I bought was fresh umbrian clay soap bar

I had some of that years ago and I liked it but it's kind of messy but I thought I'd like to try it again

and then I didn't go to any of the new coffee shops I was going to go to or cafes or whatever because I stayed up late and then I slept late

So I decided to go to the coffee shop by Nordstrom in the galleria while I was in the galleria

And that was okay the coffee is pretty decent and I had a almond croissant that was really good actually I like almond croissants and I don't have them very often at all it's probably been I don't know several years since I had the last one

But you know I was thinking I really miss Caswell Massey

I don't know if you're familiar with them but they're America's original apothecary I mean like waybacks 1700s founded

They used to have this little like well I would call it a kiosk store but it was completely enclosed it wasn't like a cart or something and I used to go there every time I went to the galleria in like the 70s and early 80s but I feel confident it was gone by the 90s not sure exactly when it left

But I used to go there and they had all this amazing stuff and everything I bought from there was just amazing I had a cold cream I got one time that was cucumber and something elderflower maybe that was supposedly the same formula that Sarah Bernhardt tried when she was here and loved and had like cases of 2 England so she could use it all the time and I had some of that and I really liked it but I didn't really wear a lot of makeup at that point so you know it took me a while to go through it and then when I went to get more they had changed the formula and it was more like cold cream

I'm sorry that wasn't really clear it was cold cream to begin with but it was kind of an ointment-y texture originally then when I got it again it was more like ponds Cold cream which was not nearly as exciting

I like apothecaries

Who used to be one in Westbury square as well but it was I thinking independent one I got a perfume from there one time that was carnation and it was so good it was like spicy smelling and I couldn't ever remember a carnation I had smelled having really any smell at all but this was spicy in really nice

I went to Urban Outfitter and they have, I'm not kidding you, got pond's Cold cream and it's been I guess rebranded and now it's calling itself ponds balm cleanser or something which is really smart because it is essentially the same thing as a balm cleanser although it's not really a balm texture

I went in Aveda haven't been in Aveda for years but that you used to be a place I really liked

And they had a guy in there doing caricatures of people what is very strange I mean totally out of keeping with the whole vibe of the place which used to be almost like you'd walked into a meditation Temple and they had brewed up tea that they would give you and it was just a whole experience

I don't know I guess I was kind of wishing that I could do you know just for a day travel back in time and do some of that stuff that I used to do that just doesn't exist anymore not anything major or earth-shattering just like a little things

And I looked at the clothes in the windows and some of them I really liked although not necessarily for me and then some of them on like who would wear that so I don't know I feel kind of out of touch

I haven't been to the mall since whenever the last time I talked to you about going to the mall was so I don't know I know I went at least once last year but it is possible that I only did go once last year or twice I don't know but not very many times

And I was talking to I think it was Dennis about shopping and he doesn't buy hardly anything online apparently

But I do I mean I really do by almost everything online

But I think I may be going to look and see if there are any apothecaries left

Also when I was in Sephora I just kept looking around at eyeshadows too and oh my God there's so many really brightly colored eyeshadows so many and I mean I know that's been a trend for a while but I kind of thought it was over

maybe I just changed who I'm watching I don't know but I mean I thought we were in a kind of a no makeup makeup thing now put all the eyeshadow palettes are like bright bright bright bright ultra-bright

But I just kind of want one color that I can brush over my lid like I used to that would look pretty until I could use some of my many many eyeshadow brushes

I was trying to look in Nordstrom's as well it was a color I used to like I think it was Laura Mercier although they should have had that at 2 for also I think it was called like candied walnut or candied pecan or something like that but I didn't see it but of course people change their colors periodically and I would probably still rather have a more natural brand

So I don't know

I had a good time I guess

But more like a to be continued good time

Like it got me thinking about stuff more than just kind of what I was experiencing in the moment it was more of a history thing like that time machine action going on again

Which I guess is partially just to getting older thing but it wasn't like oh it's so sad this stuff isn't here anymore exactly

I mean it kind of was that

But there was another element to it I'm not sure exactly what that element is I don't know if it's that I'm wanting to write about it or if it's that I'm wanting to figure out some way to update that and if it's an updating that does that mean I want to open an apothecary or I just want to find one to shop at or what exactly

I don't know I don't know but the wheels are turning you know something's happening in there that's a precursor to something

I'm just not really letting myself know what it is I guess which I find kind of fascinating I'm looking forward to seeing where I go with that

Also like right now there was something else I was going to tell you about I switch paragraphs because I was going to tell you about this other thing but I completely can't remember what it was

now that's not that unusual for me I've been doing that my whole life because my brain just runs a little faster than...

But used to be once that stuff was gone I would you know I can walk around I could look at the things that I've been looking at when I thought of it and sometimes if I actually saw the thing I had been looking at it would pop it back into my head and I would remember it almost always it was just gone and maybe it would come back later and maybe it wouldn't

But lately I can just pull that stuff back up I just think and I kind of look through my head and I can find it not every single time but a lot of times and so that's making me wonder is my brain functioning better now

I don't think I'm taking anything that should make it work better I mean I'm taking some vitamins but this was happening I think prior to that

Like I remember one of the things I was going to tell youlike when I was a kid my feet were always going to sleep my leg would go to sleep I would be sitting in a chair I would be sitting on the toilet I would be sitting somewhere and my leg one or the other of them would go to sleep sometimes all the way up to my buttock

but I was thinking about the other day and I can't remember the last time my foot went to sleep or my leg went to sleep I need you just like never happens

And it cannot be that my circulation is better so I don't know what that means and I can't remember when it stopped happening so I don't know if it's like well when I developed a lot of muscle then suddenly it wasn't I don't know but is that weird

Something else

But I can't remember it right now

I love you

I may write some more before I go to bed especially if I remember whatever that other thing was but it's pretty late

And I'm going to brunch tomorrow I love brunch so I may not write anything else tonight but I want you to know

I get confused a lot

Because sometimes it's hard for me to know

What's important and what's pretend and you know it's hard to have a baseline sometimes

So I carry this like multi-level matrix in my head

And sometimes I don't know how deep to go how complex to interpret you know the signs and symbols of the universe you know what I mean

So I can tolerate pretty high threshold of uncertainty

And I don't know if that makes sense to you or just confuses you or what

But I can't really believe how deep it all goes and how inescapable

There's a very real way in which you are like a drug for me

And there's another very real way in which I really feel like we were together in a past life and I'm just trying to get us back there or back together

And there's another way in which I feel like I might really seriously be crazy

And I don't know whether any of that makes any sense weather it's good for me weather it's bad for me

I also have to take him to account

well I'm not going to enumerate all the things I need to take into account that's boring and ridiculous

There is an aspect that I wish I knew the answer to because it seems contradictory

But you know one way or another

To infinity and beyond

I stayed up late

I went down a rabbit hole looking for something

But it didn't find what I was looking for

It's my birthday

I'm old enough that I probably shouldn't be excited by that fact

But for some reason I have an unreasonable childish glee

And I tried to think of something brilliant to do tomorrow but I think I'm just going to kind of wander

There's a film I kind of want to see at the museum but I really don't want to go down there at night and there's not a lot of parking and then I'll be wandering around by myself in a really dark area I just don't want to do that

but I guess I could take a cab or take an Uber but I don't really want to do that either

and I'm pretty sure this film be released on video or something at some point so I can see it later pretty sure this is not my only opportunity to see it

it's supposed to be raining bad weather tomorrow so I may not end up going out at all but I can kind of want to do something just not a very structured something

So I think I may be going to go to the mall

Unless I can talk myself out of it

Also want to go to a cafe

But have not decided what Cafe

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much

💋

if you've been thinking

physical thoughts at me

I've been feeling them

and

I think it's helping

so

if you could keep doing that

I'd really appreciate it

I'm going to keep trying things

ya know

i fell asleep in the chair

i dreamed i was "in space"
which seemed to mean on a space station or something
this woman was coming up behind me
just as she was passing me
she seemed to make eye contact and begin to point out
every piece of skin care presented for sale on the promenade
she was going on and on
every detail
as far as ingredients, use, product development
it was awesome

several times i tried to interact with her
but she didn't seem to hear me

then
she kinda shifted in front of me
and carried on
like she was a docent or something

then
something
and i'm not sure what
brought it clearly into focus
she was an automaton
a commercial, essentially

i thought it was quite funny
and was telling you about it
when i was telling you about my day

then
i woke up
and i had fallen asleep watching YouTube
and i had been watching an auto play of alice in the rabbit hole

i love you sweetheart

I love you sweetheart

taking a break: don't know where this fits but inspired the title so

one thing about working with people who are substantially younger is that they tend to ask you questions that somehow end up feeling like history lessons.  i initially thought this was just me with my version of  [[back in my day...]]  but when i started to really pay attention that's not really how it goes down.  they know me.  i'm not like their parents.  but i have information that previously they could only really get from people like their parents.  so they kinda lead me in that direction and then i tend to run with it a little further than i should.  and, i don't know, maybe they're winding me up a little, but in a good spirited way.

amanda is always asking me about the 90s.  she's in her early 30s and the 90s are for her what the 70s are for me.  which is kinda funny because when i was in the 90s there were a lot of ways that i thought the 90s were trying to do the 70s--  at least stylistically--  which i don't see so much looking back.  at the time i was comparing it to the 80s.  i had trouble letting go of the 80s.

i was having just such a conversation with amanda last friday, and as i walked away i was dropped back into a conversation i had in the 90s--  i haven't thought about in years.

i was watching, i think it was, the big sleep, with a friend.  ya know, there are ways in which the world i grew up in is a lot closer to this one (pointing at the tv screen) than to the one we're living in now.

right.  because your family traveller around in a covered wagon and dinosaurs roamed the earth.

even then, i was hanging out with younger people telling em how old i was on the regular.  but i meant it and i stand by that statement.  and i realized--  that was before the world wide web (which, of course, no one calls it anymore).  

good morning

hopefully you're enjoying that so far

I feel like it incorporates several of the stylistic elements

that I have traditionally liked about my writing

and

I'm hoping to keep it going

I have to clean

things have gotten kinda bad over the holidays

I think I'll just add to that one

rather than doing multiple entries

but

I'll let you know when there's more

so you don't have to keep going back

of course

maybe now I've jinxed myself

hope you're having a good day

I love you sweets

ok, here's a start: SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE A HUMAN TIME MACHINE

the other day i dreamt that i was moving to a small town, and before i had even found a place to live or anything i bought a refrigerator and washing machine online from a local vintage shop.  they were pretty cool but i realized that it was an impulse purchase that was ill-advised.  i went to the store and asked about exchanging them.  the owner of the shop was great.  we hit it off right away.  she invited me to stay with her and her husband while i was in town and offered to help me find a place.

she was, in addition to being a shop owner, a quilter--  or a sewing artist, maybe.  the things she made weren't exactly quilts.  they were more like pictures you might hang on the wall, but sewed.  tapestry?

anyway, there was this one i was obsessed with. i was having lucid dreaming telling me i had to remember the details to tell you.  after i woke up though, they didn't seem interesting or important.  so i didn't tell you.  until now.

it was a good sized piece, maybe three by four, and it had a smiling, waving, cartoon fish.  i could not look away.  i was gonna buy this thing.  there was a dr. seuss one fish two fish red fish blue fish quality about it, but the smile was slightly demented.  it reminded me of bloo from foster's home for imaginary friends--  that's not right, it didn't remind me of it, i'm just now putting that together, hmmm.

ok, well.  and underneath, like a slogan, i really felt in the dream that this was a banner from some company function: do you need more friends.  and then vpr.  and i was so into figuring out what that stood for--  i asked her husband, he didn't know, but i was asking her as soon as she got back--  vice presidential retreat, maybe.

see, it doesn't make much sense.  and i thought it was so important that i've embedded it into my brain well enough to remember almost a week later.  also i can't usually read in dreams.  i mean i can see signs and know what they say, but actually reading is not a dream thing.  like i'm pretty sure nobody really can read in dreams, as a rule.  so the vpr is a sign that i'm supposed to notice--  like the yellow school.  and, in fairness, it might be vrp.  i transpose things quite readily.  my father was dyslexic and my brother was/is too, although he also says he's eidetic--  that combination doesn't seem right to me, but whatever.

i don't.  need more friends.  i don't really have friends.  i mean, maybe i do.  i don't really like to go places and do things with other people.  i told my tarot teacher years ago.  other people rarely contribute much to me.  and i've gotten worse.  when i have conversations with others, which i don't seem to be able to escape, i often feel like i don't want to be talking and they aren't really interested--  and why do i have to go through the motions of this.  i mean, there's bita.  i could happily talk to her for five hours.  but probably not very frequently.  but mostly, strong hermit vibes.

Hey

I feel a story or essay or something bubbling up

I'ma write you something soon

not like a coded something

just

something to read

it's been too long

but

I've been

not really doing so good

for a long time

I love you sweets

I love you

💋

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much