conversation with god while i'm not busy at the register

ok
i'm not going to pray that i get fired
i can't quite bring myself to do that
and i'm afraid of that too
but
i'm not gonna pray that i keep the job either

i have faith that whatever happens
is what's supposed to happen
i will follow your lead

i'm trying not to take it personally
but
i'm not having much luck
and
if i'm not fired
i think the relationship is too badly broken
i don't think i'll be able to get over
how disrespected i feel

so maybe it's for the best

it's like the people on master chef australia
if they get sent to the elimination round
and they make it through
they really up their game
and the people who do that a lot
sometimes go on to win

but the strong ones
who do really well and never get into elimination
they are at a disadvantage in the end game
because they have to face it
without any practice
and
the stress gets to em bad

i'm like that
if i had more trouble with work
when i was younger
i'd be better prepared now

and i keep thinking
of the computer books guy at bookstop
i can't remember his name now

you'll always do fine, he said
to me
all of about eighteen
cream always rises to the top

it's a cliche, i know
but i'd never heard it before

and it seemed like such a huge compliment


so what have you learned here

well
i'm tempted to say nothing
but
that's not true
i learned some stuff about me

i don't not care very well
my not caring about a job
is more than many people's supposed caring

i don't equate myself with my job
which is tricky
if i'm doing a low paying job
a going nowhere job
the low value of the job
doesn't make me think that that's what i'm worth
i'm always on board with my cream-ness
even if i don't rise to the top

but
i find it frustrating to have higher standards
than the standard setters

in less than two years
i can go from knowing almost nothing
to being a functional expert

i care more about not being fucked with
being allowed to carry on my work unimpeded
than i care about praise
or recognition

i hate looking for work
and will allow myself to feel degraded
just to avoid the process

there's probably more


it's not a bad list