i fell asleep in the chair
and then i fell down a rabbit hole
(choline)
anyway

i've been using retinol
i've used it before
never, i think, in a particularly high concentration
but
the green beauty people made me think i should avoid it
but
i have aging and breakouts
which will not resolve
and retinol is a cure for both of them

so i'm back on the juice
5% retinol
and i'm trying to acclimate my skin to it
no rush, ya know
so i'm up to every four days
and i haven't really had any peeling, but
the breakouts did increase slightly
and i think i'm a little drier
but i think my skin type has never been dry or oily
i think it's always been (sort of normal/combination)

i don't have problems with "oily"-ness, but i do have pore issues
sebum plugs in my pores
which mostly present as blackheads
and little bumps
which i pick
my more recent hormonal issues have led to some cystic bumps
but not in large quantity
i always had small pores
but the aging thing makes em stretch out
which exacerbated the clogged pore thing
but
i feel like i've almost beat it


if i had a dollar for every time i've said that

but
i'm both ever optimistic about my experiments
and desperate to feel like i can control some aspect of this menopause crap
and plus like i sublimated my sexuality into skin care rituals  = )
but
i put these hydration elements on my skin
and follow with a beeswax based salve
and
now
i'm convinced that if i just had a morning cleanser that would remove
what has got to be softened sebum plugs
i will have the last piece of the puzzle

it's tricky though


and
it's made me think about the first time i tried skin care

i was in second grade
and i somehow got my hands on a pink jar of mary kay night something
which was weird because there was avon everywhere
i think deborah had friends that sold it
but no mary kay
yet here it was like magic
and
it was basically pink Vaseline
i doubt i washed my face before hand
maybe i did
and then i smeared a little bit of it all over my face
massaging it in
it felt
i don't remember
efficacious maybe

i woke up with three little whitehead pimples
the tiniest, least threatening, little pimples you could imagine
i scraped them off with my fingernail and moved on

this cream was apparently for "older women"

and
my whole life i've had to walk this line
of things being too heavy for me
or too stripping
i didn't have problems, exactly
but
i always liked milky moisturizing cleansers
and a very light moisturizer
or maybe just a serum

now
i'm slathering on the heavy occlusives
to keep the hydration in
because i've maybe always had a problem with dehydration

it's still good skin, though
and glow-y
today i put on makeup to cover the spots
and i thought
i don't think that looks nearly as good
maybe i could just find a concealer
i really don't want to cover it up


i love you sweetheart, sleep well