ok
i had a problem with my computer
then everything looked different
and i kinda froze

sorry

i got through the week of brown rice and green veggies
i may take a bit of a soup break

i didn't figure out the when to weigh situation
but
i'm not freaking out about it any more
i'm not sure what all those numbers came across like
but
the difference between 30 and 37 pounds
is not that big of a deal
and

regardless
i'm not gonna look that different
it's more of a health thing
if you understand me
not
a look thing

i just kinda wanted to be the lowest weight you've seen me
but, i don't think it's that big a deal

there's a restructuring going on at work
so
not sure what that's gonna mean, exactly
i do not expect to be laid off
but my regional wine buyer was, thursday
although i heard about it saturday morning

i stocked up on non-perishables
in case the panic over the new thing that's gonna kill us all
causes a run on the stores
hopefully this will all be just another thing to freak out about
but i work retail so i'm more at risk than some

this is another good reason to detox and boost my immunity

my leg is much much better
and the swelling
had i guess been not that great for a while
but since it wasn't bothering me
i kinda ignored it
now
i feel like it's much better than it's been
seaweed over salt

i hope you are doing well
i'm under some stress
but i'm sorry for the silence
i just wasn't sure what was happening and
i worry that i'm gonna say something
and freak you out

this week might be rough
i expect there to be a lot of stress at work
and
i mean
everybody
is already saying
we're all gonna die about CV
when i was at the store
[and full disclosure there was also a broken water main
so the whole city had a water boil order]
people were in disaster mode
but the shelves were not yet empty
that was thursday

this week was weird
really kinda surreal
but not in a good way

today i've been binge watching australian survivor
and
i ate eggs and toast and veggie sausage and potatoes
not like mass quantities
but
i decided to mix it up some

i am considering different ways to make sunflower milk
which i might start using for those morning jing drinks
but in the mean time i have oat milk
i thought
if i made the milk with a medicinal tea
instead of water
i might up the nutrition/building qualities
i have roasted dandelion
and nettle
well, and pu ehr too, i guess

i was going off nutrient density
but i guess i really should figure out my macros

i don't really want to, though

i was talking to my mother
asking her about her protein
now that she's on this vegan thing
because
i have found that i feel pretty shitty
if i don't get enough protein
although i'm not sure how much i actually get
and it varries wildly on a daily basis

and she said:
vegetables have plenty of protein 

in this tone like i don't know shit from vegetarianism
because
i assume
her doctor told her that
not because she's actually looked into it herself

like
you know
it hasn't been ten years
i originally wanted to go vegan
and instead
i have ended up adding in bone both on the regular
and the occasional just straight up chicken soup
although
cutting way way back on the dairy
which tastes delicious
but
has a lot of negative physical repercussions

so idk
i know if you are all raw
the enzymes and amino acids might be able to get shuffled
and create proteins
maybe
that's the working raw foodist theory

i'm pretty sure
cooked vegan
in the form she's doing is of the 80/10/10 format
which is 10% protein
and
i know there is a whole school of thought
that that is like the perfect diet for humans

but
i'm not sure


i've been feeling you today

i love you sweetheart