I went to the mall

Although truthfully I spent the majority of my time in Sephora

I think I tested every essence they have in the place

But what I bought was fresh umbrian clay soap bar

I had some of that years ago and I liked it but it's kind of messy but I thought I'd like to try it again

and then I didn't go to any of the new coffee shops I was going to go to or cafes or whatever because I stayed up late and then I slept late

So I decided to go to the coffee shop by Nordstrom in the galleria while I was in the galleria

And that was okay the coffee is pretty decent and I had a almond croissant that was really good actually I like almond croissants and I don't have them very often at all it's probably been I don't know several years since I had the last one

But you know I was thinking I really miss Caswell Massey

I don't know if you're familiar with them but they're America's original apothecary I mean like waybacks 1700s founded

They used to have this little like well I would call it a kiosk store but it was completely enclosed it wasn't like a cart or something and I used to go there every time I went to the galleria in like the 70s and early 80s but I feel confident it was gone by the 90s not sure exactly when it left

But I used to go there and they had all this amazing stuff and everything I bought from there was just amazing I had a cold cream I got one time that was cucumber and something elderflower maybe that was supposedly the same formula that Sarah Bernhardt tried when she was here and loved and had like cases of 2 England so she could use it all the time and I had some of that and I really liked it but I didn't really wear a lot of makeup at that point so you know it took me a while to go through it and then when I went to get more they had changed the formula and it was more like cold cream

I'm sorry that wasn't really clear it was cold cream to begin with but it was kind of an ointment-y texture originally then when I got it again it was more like ponds Cold cream which was not nearly as exciting

I like apothecaries

Who used to be one in Westbury square as well but it was I thinking independent one I got a perfume from there one time that was carnation and it was so good it was like spicy smelling and I couldn't ever remember a carnation I had smelled having really any smell at all but this was spicy in really nice

I went to Urban Outfitter and they have, I'm not kidding you, got pond's Cold cream and it's been I guess rebranded and now it's calling itself ponds balm cleanser or something which is really smart because it is essentially the same thing as a balm cleanser although it's not really a balm texture

I went in Aveda haven't been in Aveda for years but that you used to be a place I really liked

And they had a guy in there doing caricatures of people what is very strange I mean totally out of keeping with the whole vibe of the place which used to be almost like you'd walked into a meditation Temple and they had brewed up tea that they would give you and it was just a whole experience

I don't know I guess I was kind of wishing that I could do you know just for a day travel back in time and do some of that stuff that I used to do that just doesn't exist anymore not anything major or earth-shattering just like a little things

And I looked at the clothes in the windows and some of them I really liked although not necessarily for me and then some of them on like who would wear that so I don't know I feel kind of out of touch

I haven't been to the mall since whenever the last time I talked to you about going to the mall was so I don't know I know I went at least once last year but it is possible that I only did go once last year or twice I don't know but not very many times

And I was talking to I think it was Dennis about shopping and he doesn't buy hardly anything online apparently

But I do I mean I really do by almost everything online

But I think I may be going to look and see if there are any apothecaries left

Also when I was in Sephora I just kept looking around at eyeshadows too and oh my God there's so many really brightly colored eyeshadows so many and I mean I know that's been a trend for a while but I kind of thought it was over

maybe I just changed who I'm watching I don't know but I mean I thought we were in a kind of a no makeup makeup thing now put all the eyeshadow palettes are like bright bright bright bright ultra-bright

But I just kind of want one color that I can brush over my lid like I used to that would look pretty until I could use some of my many many eyeshadow brushes

I was trying to look in Nordstrom's as well it was a color I used to like I think it was Laura Mercier although they should have had that at 2 for also I think it was called like candied walnut or candied pecan or something like that but I didn't see it but of course people change their colors periodically and I would probably still rather have a more natural brand

So I don't know

I had a good time I guess

But more like a to be continued good time

Like it got me thinking about stuff more than just kind of what I was experiencing in the moment it was more of a history thing like that time machine action going on again

Which I guess is partially just to getting older thing but it wasn't like oh it's so sad this stuff isn't here anymore exactly

I mean it kind of was that

But there was another element to it I'm not sure exactly what that element is I don't know if it's that I'm wanting to write about it or if it's that I'm wanting to figure out some way to update that and if it's an updating that does that mean I want to open an apothecary or I just want to find one to shop at or what exactly

I don't know I don't know but the wheels are turning you know something's happening in there that's a precursor to something

I'm just not really letting myself know what it is I guess which I find kind of fascinating I'm looking forward to seeing where I go with that

Also like right now there was something else I was going to tell you about I switch paragraphs because I was going to tell you about this other thing but I completely can't remember what it was

now that's not that unusual for me I've been doing that my whole life because my brain just runs a little faster than...

But used to be once that stuff was gone I would you know I can walk around I could look at the things that I've been looking at when I thought of it and sometimes if I actually saw the thing I had been looking at it would pop it back into my head and I would remember it almost always it was just gone and maybe it would come back later and maybe it wouldn't

But lately I can just pull that stuff back up I just think and I kind of look through my head and I can find it not every single time but a lot of times and so that's making me wonder is my brain functioning better now

I don't think I'm taking anything that should make it work better I mean I'm taking some vitamins but this was happening I think prior to that

Like I remember one of the things I was going to tell youlike when I was a kid my feet were always going to sleep my leg would go to sleep I would be sitting in a chair I would be sitting on the toilet I would be sitting somewhere and my leg one or the other of them would go to sleep sometimes all the way up to my buttock

but I was thinking about the other day and I can't remember the last time my foot went to sleep or my leg went to sleep I need you just like never happens

And it cannot be that my circulation is better so I don't know what that means and I can't remember when it stopped happening so I don't know if it's like well when I developed a lot of muscle then suddenly it wasn't I don't know but is that weird

Something else

But I can't remember it right now

I love you

I may write some more before I go to bed especially if I remember whatever that other thing was but it's pretty late

And I'm going to brunch tomorrow I love brunch so I may not write anything else tonight but I want you to know

I get confused a lot

Because sometimes it's hard for me to know

What's important and what's pretend and you know it's hard to have a baseline sometimes

So I carry this like multi-level matrix in my head

And sometimes I don't know how deep to go how complex to interpret you know the signs and symbols of the universe you know what I mean

So I can tolerate pretty high threshold of uncertainty

And I don't know if that makes sense to you or just confuses you or what

But I can't really believe how deep it all goes and how inescapable

There's a very real way in which you are like a drug for me

And there's another very real way in which I really feel like we were together in a past life and I'm just trying to get us back there or back together

And there's another way in which I feel like I might really seriously be crazy

And I don't know whether any of that makes any sense weather it's good for me weather it's bad for me

I also have to take him to account

well I'm not going to enumerate all the things I need to take into account that's boring and ridiculous

There is an aspect that I wish I knew the answer to because it seems contradictory

But you know one way or another

To infinity and beyond