ok
so
jameel, as it turns out
is going to apply for the job
i'm not sure how he thinks he's going to do it
but
i think
since he probably makes less than me
he will probably get it

so
i may not even have that
so
that is part of why i'm kinda over-wrought
i am kinda alternating between
feeling like i'm gonna vomit
and
feeling like i'm gonna cry
and
sadly
slight glee each time i realize another thing
that they don't know they don't know
and
what a hard time they're gonna have without me
which is not mature
and i'm not proud of it

i went out to dinner with a friend
even though i had planned to hit the want ads pretty hard
because i just needed to stop the constant loop in my brain

i just keep thinking
i want to be a waitress in a diner
but
don't waitresses work for like $2.15 an hour + tips?
i keep trying to talk myself out of it
i've never been a waitress

today
my manager told me that total wine has an opening for an assistant manager
which i already knew
because amanda told me yesterday
i don't really want to be an assistant manager
that is a super shitty job
and
also
one of the physical requirements is
must be able to climb a ladder and lift 50 pounds above your head
repeatedly
i can climb a ladder
i can lift 50 pounds
but
not on a ladder
and probably not above my head

i climb the ladder
i have to hold on
i am terrified i will fall
i let go of the ladder to grab something
i lose my balance
maybe i fall
but for sure i cannot lift a 50 pound box above my head
bring it down to chest height
and then walk down the fucking ladder
not holding on

not willing to do any of that
even once
no

i will move back in with my mother first
plus their ad is the corporate-y-est thing i've ever read
i don't want to work for them

and
how am i supposed to interpret that anyway
his telling me about that

i should have left here a long time ago
and now the universe is going to make me do it the hard way

i love you sweetheart
i'm going to be soon

💋

that was supposed to be going to bed soon
but i kinda like the freudian slip
and
i didn't go to bed soon
but i'm going to now