I gotta sleep

🫧🫧🍄🫧🫧👁️‍🗨️👁️‍🗨️💤💤💤

💌🍀👾🫚

I'm SORRY 

I don't think that made SENSE 

I took the ASSIGNMENT as

write the SIMPLE description of difficult things

about the PROBLEM with

the country

NOW

I KEEP thinking

I'm trying to figure out the SIMPLE

& it keeps taking me

to dead ends

it MIGHT have to be MORE

than ONE

I have this START 

I FEEL is

PROMISING

BUT it hasn't come out

the other END

I guess

I'm (?!) the pretty woman (?!)

don't know

stuck in my head things

don't always make sense

ALSO

what are your thoughts

on substack

I'm thinking about it 

OK

so possibly you know this

or possibly you don't

BUT last night

when I was in bed

you were THERE now just to be CLEAR

you WEREN'T

& f*CK maybe it was just the WEIGHTED blanket

BUT I've had that since Xmas

you did this kind of SPOON thing

I've NEVER slept with ANYONE who did THIS

you kinda WRAPPED your leg over SOMEHOW

YOUR arms AROUND me

pulled me IN

VERY held

it wasn't oppressive

SOMEHOW

it was like I had been WAITING

my WHOLE life for

BUT then I remembered

I held you similarly

after your accident

the positioning was different

AND the way

it FELT to ME

BUT if

THAT'S something

you DID

like astrally PROJECTED or

SOMETHING

THANK you

❤️

Sing your own special music

in my head

yes 

in the works

I stayed up too late

💌🍀👾🫚

ALSO

it would make a good

like title

or band name

or like stand up

MAYBE 

I had a hard time getting BACK

from SOME kinda headspace

I just want to TALK

I don't want to THINK

BUT then I don't want to WORRY

have I put anything hidden looking

I am bullish on this Burt's bees STUFF

& this simple routine

I took out all the sunscreen

added in alba botanical HEMP balancing toner

& this NEW STUFF I'm trying

it's a make up ESSENCE

with bakuchiol as COMBO make-up & serum

BUT

in a TWIST

I pat just a TINY amount

that Burt's bees HEALING ointment

THEN the make-up essence OVER TOP

it's got a NICE finish VERY light COVERAGE

AND BAKUCHIOL works really HARD for me

🧲🧿

I THINK I should START

CYCLING 

chlorella

I think the SUN chlorella is MORE

I think the HUNDRED fifty a DAY

I FEEL like that's TOO MUCH

for EVERY DAY

ALSO

I want to do SOME

type of FAST

but I COULDN'T decide

& THEN I REALIZED

I have ten of those pirq things left

& if I want to see if they will

REALLY work as FOOD

I don't NORMALLY like

to get that much protein on a fast

BUT we'll FIND OUT

I pre-ordered that book

on AUDIBLE

it looks

GREAT 

I ALSO bought

a mustela baby cleansing water

JUST to SEE

& I have KINDA sensitive SKIN

so it is kinda a f*CK AROUND & find out

SITUATION

I MEAN

baby wipes are fine & all

THIS

lures my SENSORY appeal

the tarot says

I'm freaking you out

WHY am I

freaking you out

I'm JUST

THINKING

🍀

MAGIC*

*backed by science 

HEY

MAGIC backed

by SCIENCE

THAT'S something

but that's something IDK what

ps

I CAN'T STOP watching

AGAIN

&

AGAIN

sosososogood

I gotta go to bed sweetheart

goodnight

I LOVE you

VERY

MUCH

👾🫚

a CONCEPT hit me

I saw a Z-reel

talking about how

you really should get a genX friend

I really enjoyed working with the Zs

so it caught my attention

genX it said

we're old enough to have*

a fully formed view of the world BEFORE

the Internet

BUT

we're young enough to GET the NEW technology

SO

they have just CHERRY PICKED

the MOST interesting TRAITS

of BOOMERS

& MILLENNIALS

SOMETHING else I can't remember

APPARENTLY we know

a BUNCH of interesting STUFF

so try to get a genX friend

but they'll probably just tell you to f*CK off

it was FUNNY of course

BUT it TRACKS

with my experience

& it got me thinking about

the DRAG STRIP

& I'm not SURE I could think of a BETTER ARGUMENT 

*I'm gonna paraphrase because I can't remember exactly 

well

therapy was cancelled again

I'm not mad about it

I didn't want to

go anyway

I need to drive the car

probably go to whole foods

I'm low on kombucha

& I want to get some of that pacha bread

maybe some sunflower sprouts

I've got to work all day

tomorrow and Thursday

& I think Friday is gonna be busy too

BUT

I want to tell you

I think maybe the sun chlorella

are worth the more money they cost

& I super recommend

I have been taking chlorella off and on

FOR YEARS

and mostly I've been using some rando

brand or another

within certain parameters ya know

BUT sun chlorella is the first kind I ever had

& recently I thought I'd try it again

well the box just was the right size

for this last trip

Fifty a day for six days

three hundred tablets

I have tested myself for as many as 

one hundred tablets in a day

before

BUT

I was pretty sure the sun chlorella

was more potent

so I thought I'd back off a little

BUT

the last few days

I've tested out one hundred a day

I don't know exactly when this happened

I was looking at my feet

which have

FOR YEARS

looked like old person feet

transparent and kinda

blue broken veins

BAD

JUST BAD

& of course I've had all these improvements

but NOT in the LOOK of them

WELL

they don't look like foot model or anything

but they are ALMOST completely

skin colored

& I'd say they probably look

about right for my 

current age and weight

I'm like SUPER stoked

it's good stuff Maynard

worth a try

but start slow

it binds to heavy metals

very detox

but it can upset your stomach

or I really mean

digestive process

if you go too fast

it's ALSO got iron and whatnot

so it can be a little bit binding of you're

sensitive to THAT

BUT really

look into it-- it's magical stuff*

*with science backed research

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I've gotten BETTER at*

LOGISTICS**

the geographic DISLEXIA

is REAL

I'm liking pilot 

for BREAKFAST sandwiches***

Oklahoma looked SADDER to me SOMEHOW

& the RADIO

is like COUNTRY

or THRASH

but goddamn there is a THING

about the PEOPLE

I stopped to get gas

it was SO f*CKing COLD

I went to pee FIRST

when I came BACK

there was an enormous TRUCK

PAINTED with red earth

the MAN who

BELONGED

to the truck peeked around at me and SAID

ya parked it CLOSE enough didn't ya

YEAH I guess I did 

then we CHATTED about the WEATHER

it's like they all are STRAIGHT FORWARD 

NO NONSENSE 

NOT taking ANY CRAP about anything

but once THAT's all clear

here's the little bit of SUNFLOWER 

Oklahoma handed out to me

continuing -- I gotta go to bed 

*hang on this is a point I am never quite certain I have right but use frequently enough that I don't understand why I don't 

**that was the word I wanted to use and i looked it up and I'm still not sure that is really the word I want

***also cracker barrel 

it REALLY was

LIKE the minute I was on the ROAD

I WAS the ROAD 

I am ALSO

ACKNOWLEDGING

that I didn't even REMEMBER to 

TRY

that ANCHORING sh*t

OMG

what am I gonna talk about

in THERAPY

tomorrow

*

**

***

I actually BANKED some MOMstuff

BUT

I don't REALLY want to talk about my mom

& I GUESS

that's really more like 

LOOK therapist

BEHOLD my great works

WHAT can I do

that will get SOMETHING

I don't EXPECT

out of my BRAIN 

*suspenseful waiting

**more suspenseful waiting

***would you believe more suspenseful waiting 

OK

I'm high now*

& I KINDA

can't stop**

a continuing state of AMUSEMENT

of SO many KINDS

it's like EVERYTHING

I spend all my time ANALYZING

BUT all the REAL 

INFORMATION

comes

through DREAMS

VISIONS 

*farm bill legal some melee dose sh*t you can break apart & smoke in a muth'rf*CKing bong

**I'm having trouble articulating what's actually happening 

the weird stuff after

was

we were going somewhere

in a group I think

& you were gonna go take a shower

& I decided

I should probably take a shower too

but I had trouble finding one

available

AND THEN

I had LIKE

a hundred fifty layers of clothing

to take off

like it never ended

you were DONE and waiting on me

& I hadn't run out of clothes yet

omgomgomgomgomg

I had a headache

so I lay down

&

I fell asleep

&

I dreamed

AND there was some weird stuff after

BUT

I dreamed you kissed me

you just kinda walked over to the dark corner

where I was standing

and leaned down

and it was ever so slightly awkward

& I could feel you mustache 

it was very light at first

but it got a little stronger

BUT tentative kinda

like you might have to run away quickly

it was like I was real

I really existed

SO HAPPY

I didn't even remember

what kissing was like 

but

I see a ballerina as

more of

an athlete

an artist of movement

expression

than

the pretty pretty princess

that is typical 

I do feel

more or less comfortable

with GIRL

because I do feel connected to

the person I was as a child

& that didn't seem

to contain the thing

I find

so objectionable about the IDEA of WOMAN

I mean I DID want to be a ballerina

in video games

I NEVER choose a male character

it ISN'T that I want to be a MAN

I was ALSO wildly unsuccessful

trying to be a lesbian

& NEVER felt like I fit into THAT

community at all

BUT

"normal" people

aren't my jam either

I'm not sure HOW I would CURRENTLY

describe my sexual orientation

I THINK

I become attracted to the physical

AFTER I become attracted to

the ESSENCE

which is SOMETIMES more

BRAIN & sometimes

more PERSONALITY

but is person specific

I've been THINKING about

your forearms a lot the last few days

& the way you move

which is physical

BUT

specific to you

I don't know if that's helpful

or just weird

I REALIZE that

this put a lot of emphasis on girls

& YOU are not a girl

BUT

the relationships with men

they WEREN'T men

they were boys

& they aren't

SUPER useful as examples

but I'm NOT just

REALLY a confused lesbian

WOMEN feel more dangerous

I'm SURE there are women I wouldn't find

DANGEROUS

but I've never been attracted to any

& I met you like a year year and a half after NIKKI

SO I haven't had occasion to find out

my experience with men is

they can't be too like macho mansplainy

or I can't deal

I can't FEEL COMFORTABLE with

the gender extremes

& I TEND to be resistant PUSH BACK

at any attempt to get me CLOSER to the binary

Tracey was quite masculine looking

BUT for whatever reason

she was pushing me BUTCHer

SO

I started wearing FLORAL PRINTS

I GOTTA find my spot ya know

& I don't think it's SUPER masc, really

I'm NOT trying to be a MAN

BUT I can't handle

the IDEA of WOMAN either

it's too MUCH

I'm a PERSON and I don't think there's

ANYTHING wrong with THAT

I tried to tell you early on

BUT now the culture has KINDA caught up

so maybe you get it

OR

I mean

MAYBE you don't

I don't really have any way to TELL

I HAVE had some re-evaluation of the Portland

BRAIN BREAK situation

as well as the precipitating stuff

that made me be all like

I NEED to get some blah blah here

so maybe I have some new THEORIES

about your motivations generally

that are better than then

BUT

generally I still feel like

we BOTH kinda think that the other one

understands MORE

than either of us actually do

AND I can tell you 

EVERYTHING about me

BUT that won't give me that Rosetta 🪨

I keep looking for

where I understand what you NEED

what you REALLY want

& THAT is what I transact in generally

SO I have no idea even

exactly what I need to tell you

AND

I don't want to tell EVERYBODY everything

I don't think that's unreasonable 

I also have IDEAS about what you WANT

but I can't ask you

BECAUSE

AGAIN with the not telling EVERYBODY

EVERYTHING

SO with the new like RECALIBRATION

what I THINK

YES totally do-able

BUT

🤷🤷‍♀️🤷‍♂️

I WON it

I THINK

I WON that silent auction

I just woke up

& there's an email saying that

they'll be CONTACTING me

to process

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I should PERHAPS

point out

that

when we actually did it

she made A POINT of how she had

had NOTHING whatever

to DRINK

& that it is NOT HOT to be called a slut

now with NIKKI I was like an actual ADULT

it was AROUND

the millennium & I was

hanging out in lesbian bars

with her & her girlfriend

they were

friends

& she was always teasing me

you NEED

the WOMAN love

BUT

of course they were a couple

she was FLIRTY

she was ALSO pretty damaged

in ways VERY similar to me

she KNEW I had a crush on her girlfriend

she thought it was CUTE

but NOT in like a condescending way

more like she ENJOYED it

BUT

she liked me

she was this TINY red head pixie

BUT not girly pixie

not boyish either

GAMINE

she drank too much & FAST

& I wouldn't say

it was a TREASURED memory

BUT

I f*CKing won't forget it

she had TOO MUCH to drink

she was sitting NEXT to me and she leaned over

& she BIT me on the BREAST

& from then on

she was like YOU NEED the WOMAN LOVE

& I was like 

YEAH?

all I gotta do is get you DRUNK

AND

it was INEVITABLE

BUT

I FELL HARD for her

I woulda married* her

RAISED her kid

& she really

couldn't ever

get the friendship back

she really wanted to 

*except it wasn't legal yet

man

that made me SAD

talking about tracey

as a FRIEND she was AMAZING

she has this way of

REALLY listening

supportively

NO ONE could make you FEEL

like it was going to be okay

the way she did

BUT the relationship

totally ruined the friendship

& all I wanted was to go BACK

BUT there didn't seem to be any

going back

& I tried to maintain a long distance thing

when she went off to grad school

BUT eventually I bailed

BUT

I think maybe she loved me

a little

or knew it was

a little bit more than I loved her

so she maybe

had to

punish me some

PLUS

she was SUPER

IN THE CLOSET to her family

and that was ALWAYS

f*CKing me around SOMEHOW

my best friend Charlotte

had been childhood friends

or had known her longer anyway

& she wouldn't talk to me about her

she just said

YOU ARE SUCH A GUY

which ALSO

HURT

BUT then

for my twenty first birthday

we went to Galveston

stayed the night

in some cheap

MOTEL

&

she let me do it AGAIN

I had had no additional training

well probably

BOOKS

FILMS

IMAGININGS

nothing hands on

SUDDENLY

I was GREAT

there was light though

& I held her DOWN better

& I couldn't turn my neck right

for a couple days

BUT yeah

the thing is

she always made me FEEL like

she was doing ME the FAVOR not like

this was a natural part

of our love

&

I THINK that's partially because

we WEREN'T in love

we were FRIENDS

and I think

that's maybe how the girls she f*CKed

made her FEEL

they were mostly bi-curious straight women

the FIRST time I had sex with Tracey

I'm pretty sure she had had sex before

I know I knew at the time

BUT now

I'm not so sure

I think it was right after

I graduated

BUT now

again I'm a little sketchy

I wasn't exactly

STORING the memory

it was dark enough in the room

that I really couldn't see

she was bucking around enough

that it was difficult to keep to the like

FOCUS SPOT

& although I have the equipment

there's a lot of variation

& I was never looking at what I was doing

to myself

SO

it's not like I thought I was doing a GREAT job

BUT her feedback later

HURT

I'm pretty sure

& I was pretty sure at the time too

that she was just feeling really weird

and thought she'd SHARE

her discomfort with

the whole girly thing by making me feel bad

WHAT she said was

you were terrible, you had 

no idea 

what you were doing

WELL no shit

she KNEW that was my FIRST time

not having sex

robert had already been doing his thing

but with a girl

first time

COLD

OK

it JUST occurs to me

there are two things I need to make SURE

I CLARIFY

I have a PROBLEM

with allowing myself to be VULNERABLE

I don't think I am like

FULL ON

avoidantly attached

but

I MEAN you've met me

AND

all that stuff about

taking the apprenticeship

& spinning it into GOLD as vindication

DOES NOT

mean that that's the END of US

or that I don't STILL believe in US

WHAT it means

is that I want to be the HERO of my OWN LIFE

I want to be a god rather than an angel

AND

I DON'T want YOU

to be SOME TROPHY

I want to prove something to myself

do this thing

that YOU have ACTIVATED

because YOU are part of this plan god has

quite frankly

whether you knew about it or not

SO

I'm trying to be VULNERABLE to you

I'm trying to give you the CONTEXT you

might otherwise wish you had

I DON'T want to JUMP you

you do not need to be afraid of THAT if you were

I am deeply attracted to you

which is about YOU

not anything specifically physical I think

but I don't NOT imagine it ya know

SO trust is restored

that is possible

BUT NOT specifically necessary

ALSO

because of the weirdness of bodies

& identity

I have a VERY broad definition of

what COUNTS as physical intimacy

I'd say all of that works in your favor

no matter what you most desired outcome

SO

just visualize what would make you

the MOST HAPPY

& the steps it would take

to get to THAT place

because when I was a kid

and people asked me

what do you want to be when you grow up

I WANT to be HAPPY 

and I want that for YOU too

JESUS I'm TERRIBLE at this

rain

I was 37

OK

NOW it thinks

you're GOOD

WHEW

probably NONE of THAT

is as salient

as the fact that it's been

like 16 years

and

I'm like some sort of meno

or maybe post meno

and I don't know what my body does now

so I THINK it's probably

GOOD if SEX is NOT super

like LOADED

because who the f*CK knows what to expect 

so I can't count maybe that's ten

but really

it all depends

on what you think is salient

it doesn't matter

I'm again

just giving CONTEXT 

AND

I forgot one more

I was thinking it was nine

EXCEPT

we didn't actually have any kind of sex

it was a bi guy

we were friends

we had a STRANGE romance

we lay around in bed and smoked pot

we kissed

he gave me a bunch of hickies

I tried once to go down on him

BUT

apparently if you're used to guys

I'm pretty weak sauce

which was not the impression

the straight guys had given me

but it didn't hurt my feelings or anything

we just didn't

no big deal

I generally classify him as romance

but

technically it's a gray area

BUT

the tarot is saying

this is making you feel defeated

WHY

why would this make you feel defeated

because I keep

coming back to some sort of sexual conversation

I don't see WHY that's a problem

I'm not saying

what I WANT from you is SEX

& I'm NOT saying

I CAN'T do sex

I'm saying that I'm not your typical woman 

& if you expect me to be

you probably won't get the results you're expecting

& if THAT

comes as a surprise at THIS point

then buddy, I just don't know how to respond 

I'm NOT trying to say

that what you WANT is some

type of THING

I'm just trying to give you CONTEXT

for whatever

ya know

ALIEN CHILD

Oh wait I forgot Chad

I really wanted to forget him too

I dated him in high school

& then kept running into him

AROUND

in my middle twenties

I had really thought

we were gonna do it

he was the first guy I dated

first guy I kissed

he wrote "me" poems

the AMBER haired woman

which is nicely vague

and turned out to be three of us

which wouldn't have been so much of a problem

except of course

he was billing it as ya know

special and singular

&

even THAT I think wouldn't have been so bad

but my gran gran died

and I needed him to just kinda

be there for me

& THAT was apparently too much to ask

SO I dumped him

which I don't remember him being too upset about

so we did it LATER

so that adds another one time situation 

I dreamed

not exactly about

Tracey

she was in the dream

but it wasn't really about her

I was going to some store to work

time card from my home store in my pocket

she was outside to greet me

& she seemed generally happy to see me

but we didn't really interact that much

I'm not SURE what

I'm trying to tell myself

but then I thought maybe it's a prompt

to tell YOU something

I have had relationships with two women

& in both cases

it just seemed to be understood

I was doing the sexing

NOT being touched myself

I'm not sure how that was understood

I'm not entirely certain

oh no, I forgot, ONE time Tracey did touch me

but it just wasn't a thing

& definitely no oral

is that too crude or wrong to talk about here

now with most of her other partners

my understanding was that she topped

I have been in sexual relationships

with two men

& four one time type situations

two of which only involved oral*

the one time situations

were ALL in my twenties

THAT

is my entire experience

you obviously have not entered into this list

because we haven't had a sexual relationship

I'm not listing romances here

I'm not SURE

& I don't really want to think about that

not right now

BUT

I guess what I'm actually saying is

if you think you are dealing

with a normal adult woman

who knows how to negotiate the intricate

currents of adult male female relationships

then you are not correct

I have no clue

*not ON ME

I LOVE you VERY much

goodnight sweetheart

👾🫚

☕🥐

🍦🎳

OK

I've been thinking about it

& I feel like

I HAVE to clarify

there were multiple reasons

I was resistant to

the road trip

BUT

just as you'd EXPECT

god was right again

ALSO

it's not like a lot of those

REVELATIONS

are not new

MOST of them are new

SO like if you asked me a few weeks ago

I would have ABSOLUTELY

said it was true that I would change time

AND

I ABSOLUTELY believe

that we are meant to be SOMETHING

which shall become clear

in the fullness of time

I have ALWAYS believed

that you love me

I have just never known

what that MEANS

there are a lot of ways you can love someone 

& you have ALWAYS been

LIKE the 

MIXED SIGNALS king

BUT

pot meet kettle, ya know

I personally think

the clothes stealing in the dream

& all the giggling

is something to do with

mischievous friends

which I believe is probably accurate

but maybe it also implies

the kind of male friendship patterns

of acceptance

BUT

there's a pretty large swath of

create your own adventure possibilities

& I don't want to start obsessing

I'm HAPPY to have

MOST ones that immediately spring to mind

you don't have to patterning of my mind

figured out yet

I can tell

because you worked

cross-purposes to your message

I THINK

BUT I think I'm picking up

what you're laying down, generally

the dream doesn't really

indicate that

because it emphasizes the

confusion and context issues

but I suppose

you could have thought

I was asking you if you were a narcissist

which I wouldn't ask

both because I THINK I could tell without asking

& because who would ever say

YES to THAT question

NOT a narcissist

I DO NOT think you are a narcissist

I have NEVER even considered

that you MIGHT be

I tested out new skin protocols

on this trip

I can tell you don't have to worry about

sun protection

but I do

&

I didn't want to be

bringing fifty million things

SO

I replaced serum

with sun essence 45 SPF

I replaced moisturizer

with a zinc based very moisturizing 30 SPF

I used Burt's bees multipurpose healing ointment

which is their baby line

answer to Vaseline

as cleansing balm

& night cream

I used desert essence

kinder to skin manuka & tea tree

as like chaser cleanser/toner

& I used undefined beauty

mineral mist

as every fucking treatment step in one

& my skin looks good

SO

Imma do that

Vacation chardonnay oil as body spf

I don't know if this is interesting to you or not

BUT

since I've got the food figured out

I started thinking about

cell phone

& I think I've got that almost worked out

there isn't much cell reception

in the park

& I think I want to not be all about the phone

anyway

SO I was thinking

MAYBE not a bunch of picture taking

then I got a notification from

A. GALLO

it's restock weekend

SO

I picked a pallet for the desert

gold ochre

Verdaccio

Cyprus burnt umber

Van Dyke brown

Tourmaline

Potter's Pink

English red

Cinabro hue

Payne's gray

Zirconium blue

Viridian hue

Green gold

MAYBE I won't want to paint

BUT

probably I will

at least a little 

if you want to see colors

Website has swatches

A. Gallo in Assisi -- agallocolors.com

Hey I just woke up and I'll clean this up later. I can't write it. The cat is going to kill me

I had this dream. I just woke up a few minutes ago. I had this dream

I was in this hallway and I was going to see this girl I think and I had a like an outfit. I want to say a suit but it wasn't like a suit but it was like pants and a top and it was fancy and they were white maybe or cream some light color and they were on those puffy hangers that girls put fancy things on

And I had him hanging. I don't know why there was a hook in the hallway but I had him hanging and I walked around the corner to do something. I don't know why. Maybe vape maybe just try to get my head together and then I turned back to where my clothes were hanging and they weren't there and I'm like did I put them on already? But no I hadn't put them on already and I don't know exactly what I was wearing before cuz I don't think I was walking around naked in the hallway but then suddenly I was in towels

And I didn't understand and I didn't understand and I didn't understand. And then it occurred to me that someone had stolen my clothes

And she was right around the corner and I could hear noises coming from her apartment. I don't. I don't know if I had ever seen her before. I don't know why I was there. I don't understand. I don't remember in the dream it made sense and so I went and kind of knocked on the door and was like you know don't open the door but did y'all take my clothes?

And it was like all this giggling from her friends or something. And I'm like you need to give me my clothes back

So anyway they didn't so I was like okay. Well fine. I guess you don't want to see me and I left

And I went downstairs and I was waiting for a bus or something and it but it wasn't no. It wasn't like a public transport bus. It was some kind of private thing. Maybe it was an uber but there were other or taxi. I don't know but there were some other people around and they got in with me even though I was paying for it and it didn't have anything to do with them and we did this weird thing that wouldn't be possible in real life we drove. It was like this balcony and it had a chair and it had a like a leather jacket or something over the chair and this guy drove over the jacket and the chair and over the balcony and down onto the ground. It was very strange

And I feel like there was more after that but I can't remember what it was. I feel like I did see the girl later but I don't really understand what the context was

I don't know if it was somebody I was dating or somebody that feel like I hadn't before dated her but I feel like I knew her or something. I don't know. It doesn't make a lot of sense. Maybe I'll remember more and I'm not sure how much I could clean this up. Actually, it doesn't make enough sense to clean up

I just read through

all of that

& I'm not sure how much sense it makes

& I'm wondering if there is actually

an reason I can't just say

some of it plainer

NOPE

sorry I can't

YOU were living your life

you did the right things probably

there's a limit to how much I can know

if you did what I would have WANTED

it would NOT have gone well

I made CHOICES

based on the fact that the ONLY thing

I seem to have ever REALLY wanted to do

was talking to you

from the outside

& in real time

they seemed like STUPID

DELUSIONAL

CHOICES

but I pressed bravely on with my ever increasingly

SLACKER lifestyle

& I'm pretty sure I would do it AGAIN

I have been doing

work on myself

the whole time

AND NOW

it SEEMS like I'm MAYBE

morphing into something although

it's REALISTICALLY too soon to TELL

if that turns out to be TRUE

it would align with my

CORE BELIEFS

what you do

should be a THING

that you would do for FREE

without compensation of any kind

for LOVE essentially

although

NOT SPECIFICALLY

SO

if I NOW am able to take this whole period

of my life

in which I have been

just getting by the best I could

in order to spend all my time & energy

CREATIVITY

communicating with you

if I am able to ACTUALLY

CREATE something

OR even BEGIN to SEE the WAY

THAT

is kinda a vindication

LIKE

some HERO'S JOURNEY shit

LIKE

it was all an APPRENTICESHIP

NOT just poor life choices

BECAUSE I can SEE

how through out all this time

there's a WAY

in which

I kinda WANTED you to rescue me

take me in you arms

& say it's okay darlin

don't you worry your pretty little head about it

I GOT ya

BUT

THAT would have been disastrous

YOU have had a GOOD life

& I have been able to help you

AND I have been able to WORK on myself

I don't WANT to go BACK

BACK was just the way God wanted it to be

NO NEED for corrections

BUT

I'm in a TRANSITION

& although I AM very future focused

there's a WAY

in which I CAN'T take in too much

THIS has to be about 

what I'M doing

BECAUSE I want to be the HERO of my OWN story

I think THAT'S why ARI was coming back

in case you flaked for some reason

is this making any sense

it would make me SUPER HAPPY

if I wasn't just some stupid delusional GIRL 

who COULDN'T HANDLE her own life

so she just lived a FANTASY 

where she pretended

SOME GUY loved her

BECAUSE

it NEVER felt to me like that's WHAT I was doing

but all indicators

any OBJECTIVE analysis

it's been a struggle

EXCEPT

it HASN'T

it was IN FACT the only thing I could do

it has been MY MISSION

from GOD

& now it has a part

where you're KINDA a 

NOT the FOCUS

& I kinda can't LET you be

which is why I was reluctant to do the whole

old school road trip thing

BUT

god said GO

SO

I THINK

LET ME PROVE

that I can be a god

not just an angel

&

THEN you can make sure

I understand whatever I'm supposed to

UNDERSTAND 

I just woke up

actually I think I might

have been awake briefly

to feed the cat

but

I am sick

I was feeling

like I was having allergies

although I did have a sore throat one day

but now I feel

VERY sick

my snot is thick and dark

WTSF is wrong with me

all the research I did indicated to me

that it was highly unlikely

to get COVID again

right away

& I haven't taken a test yet

that talk about the car

was just about the car

I wasn't trying to be clever at all

I will admit

I'm a little confused 

I gotta say

I've been up

more than 24 hours

& I'm at the feeling like I might

Pass Out

I returned the car

I even ran it through a car wash

filled it with gas

I really like the guys working at the rental place

BUDGET

I always use budget

though they merged a few years ago

with Avis

I had a Chrysler 300

which I had once before

that might be what I had for the Joshua tree music festival

I was not a fan then

but

they've updated it

and I found it fun to drive

but couldn't help

talking about it's quirks

wide turn radius

vaguely tank like

hair trigger on the front sensor

it's telling me

hey ho you are gonna hit some shit

& I'm like no I swear that I'm not

& it doesn't seem to want to back up

the guy's like 

oh no joke you're flooring it

just to get it out the parking space

I'm still processing

if you can believe

but I'm not really in a fit state

I need to go to sleep

I love you

VERY much

SWEETHEART

have a beautiful day

💤👾🫚💤

COINTREAU I don't know what I looked up, I KNEW it STARTED with a C

I was so excited

there were NO CHAIRS

& I didn't realize it

THAT

is how you're SUPPOSED

to listen to music

& bricks

AND LEANING 

I'm not saying

I would not have been able to be

EXACTLY what you wanted

but then where am I

MAYBE

I have that capability NOW

MAYBE

BUT

honestly idk

AND 

EVEN THOUGH

it broke my heart SO MUCH worse

than my DADDY dying ever could have

CAUSE PUT HIM in a HEFTY BAG right

he broke my heart PLENTY

& he told me

OUR KARMA was cleared*

I GET it

& I got it

& I don't think

GARTH BROOKS for the defense

MAN i was FAMOUS for those BRUNCHES though

LEGENDARY

continuing**

*though I thought that seemed a little in his favor generally I chose to take the point when it's in my favor

**I've lost my thread

it is gonna be a challenge

returning the car

sleep MUCH

BUT

I was thinking

that mohawk is like

the ESSENCE of

I'm not sure what to call it

not BAR that's like

weak sauce

I'm talking

strange underground CLUBS

in LONDON

MIXED with the punk club I went to in college

when they were CLOSING

they'd turn the LIGHTS ON

& scream GET 

the f*CK 

OUT

MIXED 

with that crepe place

in SANTA CRUZ

I was watching some SCREEN

there was a f*CKing band

CALLED

BULLSHIT DETECTOR

HOW have I NEVER

even thought about THAT

eXcellent band name

I tipped the bartender KINDA

an eXtreme amount

because she*

I was fine when I got there

it had been a rough afternoon

but I was ME ya know

SO I'm completely CHARMED

by the place

I go up to the BARTENDER

is there some special DRINK

that you're especially GOOD at

she's like

we don't really have SPECIALS

and TWO of the GUYS at the bar say

EVERYTHING

she makes 

is GOOD

OH I say

in THAT case I will have

a MARGARITA

SWEET she asks

I SHAKE my HEAD violently

the guy at my end of the bar

looks RIGHT at me

& says LIMEY 

I NOD vigorously 

I am VIBING

with PEOPLE

she makes a drink skewed sweeter than I make

I AM A LIME freak

& besides she's using COINTREAU 

it is SHORT LIST, ok

so I'm sipping my drink

& I'm just barely anything when this guy

I cannot AVOID & I KNOW

I DO WANT to avoid him

& blah blah blah

oh but isn't that happening tomorrow

you drove up to Austin**

WHAT ARE YOU some kind of groupie

& he was the SECOND totally

UNPROVOKED

Arkansas***

I got away from him as quick as I could

& I didn't even REALIZE but

THAT'S what set me OFF

since the beginning

it's been an issue

& it just DOVETAILED so

PERFECTLY

with all the girly AM I NOT PRETTY ENOUGH

I couldn't NOT feel the PAIN

NOT that you ever promised me ANYTHING

in FACT 

I don't think I've EVER told you

I'm VERY impressed

by SPECIFICALLY

THAT is HARD to do

BUT there were 

ALL these PARTS of you

EXPERIENCES

I WANTED

whether you promised em or not

doesn't really matter

it still HURTS

& I couldn't do what I wanted to do

with you

& have any kind of life

it took too much time

WHY I kept emphasizing

these were CHOICES

I was MAKING them

BUT

I did that thing I do

NOBODY gives a sh*t about ME

& when I'm skewed

& I don't have like a Rosetta 🪨

DEFAULT is mocking/using

cause you go with the HITS

I had to GET BACK to

YOU

(continuing)

*let me back up

**like that's so fucking far

***I'm so sorry to that nice man in Arkansas but the name is too good and he responded very kindly to the well I really don't like to refer to myself with that term, but it's forever gonna be an unprovoked Arkansas once I saw that

OK

I couldn't go to sleep without figuring

carbs and fat too

Calories=1515

Fat=36

Carbs=138

Protein=107

THAT actually looks pretty GOOD

the question now is can I drive to Joshua tree in two days like I used to

Oh but it was bad trying to drive into Joshua tree in the dark

I did that once

& you can't really in the park

that ups the car rental 

& hastles with obligations

BUT THAT won't work

because hours in the day & whatnot

SO

no point in getting all bunched up about THAT

I need to go to sleep

goodnight SWEETHEART

I LOVE you VERY very MUCH

👾🫚

Ok

I am kinda weird

BUT I love doing this kinda stuff

I just worked out

what foods I can take

they don't need to be cooked

or refrigerated

1515 calories

107g protein

I found this clean plant protein shake*

2 bottles Piriq golden vanilla**

150 tablets Chlorella

2 packets Oatcakes***

golden berries****

1 pack fish jerky

& Water, of course

*haven't tasted it yet

**has curcumin & maca with the protein pea, brown rice & chia

***I tried out nairn's coarse & they are less crumbly and more savory crackery tasting so I used those for the calculations

****these calculations may be off I used 2 bags for 1 week I've been going through 3 bags in 2 weeks but these are what I "snack" on so better to go heavier with limited food staples but each bag says it's 64 servings so blah blah just divided by 7 the total

11:11

I'm not dropping anybody

either

ALSO

at the hotel I was just staying at in Austin

in the lobby

they were having a silent auction thingy

benefit for some cancer thing

BUT

the items were these framed

SPORTS photos

& they had one of ALI - FRAZIER

thrilla in manilla

with this little plaque

ALI quote

everyone I fought

I brought out the best in them

but Joe Frazier brought out the best in me

GOD BLESS that man

I have never in my life bid on a silent auction

of any sort

I REALLY hope I win it

the two main hurdles I see

with the whole

JOSHUA TREE tent situation

BATHROOMS

& VULNERABILITY

I HAVE to have access

to SOMETHING

porta potty FINE

but no squatting in the bushes

NO SIR

ALSO

as appealing as taking a bus

& like hiking in SOUNDS in the abstract

it is just untenable

for so many reasons

& FEELING SAFE

is NOT last, ya know

in fact the IDEA of being just OUT there

with no way of locking a door in a tent

makes me WONDER

if I should just SLEEP in the car

BUT I think NO

HAVE the TENT

BUT

don't not use the CAR if it FEELS

NECESSARY, ya know

the website says SPRING & FALL are best

I don't want to WAIT until fall

BUT

LUCY at work is having knee replacement

in MAY so that's not gonna happen

& who knows how long

her recovery will be

SO I'm looking at APRIL

& I'm not sure

if that's gonna be easy to swing

BUT

I FEEL like it's GONNA happen

THANK YOU SO MUCH

for the push to get out of the road

it's such an integral part of me

I had LOST

I came home and it was like back in the day

I was SORRY to be HOME

it's weird though

because I didn't think

I HAD any shame issues

but apparently

I'm not supposed to show PAIN

apparently I am just supposed to

have an unlimited capacity for it

& just keep smiling

I wonder if that's

a survivor thing

or

a "too male identified" thing

I have a lot of like

aftershock feels today

AND

I feel COMPELLED to add

in FAIRNESS to my decision making process

in the past

ALCOHOL is the only thing

that has ever tamped it DOWN

it's NOT like

I was all like f*CK it

let it rip

it was like f*CK it

I don't have to worry about killing someone

I REALLY hope

it was DARK and you couldn't see me

because I was having some emotional

CONTROL ssues

I should not have consumed ALCOHOL

BUT

I was already having issues

& I thought

what the f*CK right

BUT

I don't eat much now

to absorb

& frankly

I'm a light weight now

BUT

if you saw the emotional display

I am so so sorry

it is wildly inappropriate

& there is no excuse

it was AMAZING

& those guys are so great with you

SO SHAMEFUL of me

all I can do is to offer my apologies

I didn't have to drive you see

I just had to be able to stagger

around the corner

four margaritas

did not used to be a lot

BUT

I gotta say

the stagger around the corner

was KINDA hard

I LOVE you VERY much

I'm so sorry

YOU are AMAZING

👾🫚

ANOTHER victory over

geographical dislexia

I heard this song on the radio

called

NOT STRONG ENOUGH

by boygenius

& I looked up the lyrics

it's not necessarily, in it's entirety, something

I want to say

BUT

what I actually HEARD

was this like almost chanted

ALWAYS an ANGEL never a GOD

& SOMEHOW

THAT was a MESSAGE like

directly to ME

in fact

I'm CRYING typing THIS

& I'm NOT SURE why

ANYWAY

having late breakfast at the cracker barrel

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart

👾🫚

operation VISION QUEST --  working title

LAST NIGHT

right before I fell asleep

I heard

AMERICA the BEAUTIFUL

in my head

BUT

I had the phone across the room

SO I'm telling you about it now

I took this as a SIGN

of course

MAYBE

I'm on the right track

I'm NOT SURE

how my writing in different locations

from my perspective

could POSSIBLY help

BROTHERHOOD

BUT

POSSIBLY

that will become apparent

have a beautiful day sweetheart

👾🫚

sh*t it's LATE

GOTTA sleep

goodnight sweetheart

I love you VERY much

👾🫚

I've been kinda FORMULATING

a CONCEPT

& I was sketching out 

what I had THUS FAR

with my therapist

& he couldn't

REALLY

follow

because

I was APPARENTLY

doing it BACKWARDS

I was talking about HOW

when I didn't YET know EXACTLY

WHAT

BUT

I don't see THAT as a problem

the IDEA is

OR RATHER was

because TONIGHT I had

a MODIFICATION

is that I GO somewhere

SO I can be like IMMERSED

& do that THING

I learned I love to do

during the pandemic

be AWAKE for like twenty two hours

but in THIS case

working on WRITING something

NOW

for me the question is

WHAT sort of writing am I doing

which is PERHAPS important to KNOW

BEFORE you START

& FOR SURE

if you were doing the SIX WEEKS 

I was ORIGINALLY thinking

it's just WAY too BIG

of an expenditure

& I think this NEW STYLE has 

MERIT*

BUT

it doesn't lend itself to a novel, say

ALTHOUGH it MIGHT

if it were some MODIFIED epistolary form

WHICH

is what I have been LEANING towards

BUT

then TONIGHT I thought of

JOSHUA TREE

NOW even if they would LET me

I could NOT live in a tent for SIX WEEKS

well, I MEAN

I guess

I COULD if than was what I 

HAD to do

NOT VOLUNTARILY

LIKE ten days

MAYBE

AND

I think THAT

HAS PROMISE

although OBVIOUSLY

it is NOT

a fully fleshed out idea

BUT it might

end up being like ON ANOTHER PLANET

OR it might

end up being some SPIRITUAL thing

BUT

that SEEMS

SPECIFIC enough

to be ACTIONABLE 

at LEAST for PLANNING purposes 

*I want to continue with it

I wish I was not geographically dislexic

because Google maps is seriously

suboptimal

but

through some minor miracle

voila

so the world as we knew it

is gone

& I don't know

what the brave new world of the future is

but I'm not going to stop loving you

&. I really hope

you're not going to stop

loving me

& I guess I don't really

need to know

not right now anyway

sometimes maybe I can 

only handle so much at once

I want to say more here

& I keep deleting it

maybe later

have a beautiful day sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I'm not SURE

that there is ANYTHING

quite as beautiful

as your SMILE

&

I cannot BELIEVE

that I have grown to LIKE

the mustache

I AM hopeless

I love you very much sweetheart

there are no restrictions

if you want to talk to me

I expect I'll know

OR

you could reference the name

you used

the last time you looked happy to see me

it's a character

from a book

in a "conversation" 

counterpoint okeemah

& how well I understand you

with an additional counterpoint

I would be kinda surprised if you remembered

that from 2009

BUT

if we're playing all-star level

THAT would impress the f*CK out of me

it was in LA

at a club next to a Bob's big boy

I'm pretty sure

but possibly it was just a Bob's big boy building

possibly it was called something else

this was the first time

I didn't have obsessive stressed out thoughts

on my way to see you

it was weird

good morning sweetheart

I don't remember any dreams to tell you

I didn't get

any disembodied voice messages

I am thinking

how can I make this better for you

what do you want me to do

or say

or talk about

I don't want to tell you what I want

because that sets me up for

things to go well

or badly

&

I don't want that dynamic

BUT

I'm here rollin with it

& if there's something I can do

I gotta go to sleep

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

SO then I THINK

what would he like to hear NOW

& I'm not SURE

I talked to a GUY today

with a sign that said HOMELESS

we had a DISCUSSION

about the weather

& sleeping

in a stairwell

as I walked away from him

I didn't WANT to say

GOOD LUCK

& I wasn't sure WHAT to say

WHAT came out of my mouth was

GOD BLESS

which I don't believe I've EVER said to ANYONE

BUT I used it as an IMPERATIVE

OR DIRECTIVE

OR possibly even a SUPPLICATION

GOD

BLESS

I use whatever power of persuasion

I may have with GOD

HAY GOD this guy right here

PLEASE make his blankets sufficient

please hold him in the palm of your hand

I call down the power of blessing

do I HAVE that power

I don't know

I was on my way to the PIZZA place

I LOOKED in the WINDOW

& wasn't really FEELING it

started to WALK away

one of the guys working there

ran up to the WINDOW

rapped on it

WAVED for me to come in

well OKAY that's working it in a way I get

this WAS now my lunch destination

after all

I had a SALAD with smoked turkey on it

& a mozzarella TOASTED CHEESE sandwich

THEN I was walking back

& I saw a sweater

with EYES & stuff on it

I took it in to try it on & ended up

SHOPPING

now it has been a LONG time

since I shopped in a STORE where I could

TRY things on

& he had a BUNCH of good stuff

THIS is a thing I USED to do

& I bought TWO kinda EXPENSIVE things

AND

I can't quite make myself 

FEEL BAD about it

it's a skirt from an Israeli designer

the SHOPKEEPER brought to me & said

THIS seems like YOU

& I didn't think it WAS

BUT I tried it on

& it WAS

the OTHER is a hand TIE DYED cardigan sweater 

in TAUPE  & turquoise

I didn't even 

end up buying 

the sweater from the

SIDEWALK SALE rack

I'm TRYING to REMEMBER

what did I used to write to you

I FEEL like

it was stories from THAT day

& COMPLAINTS

WONDERFUL

I HOPE this is ok

I just didn't want to wait around

& then have you not recognize me

good morning sweetheart

do you REMEMBER back

to the beginning when I was in EUGENE

& I was all dejected

& I woke up

with 

your VOICE in my head

saying

I didn't say NO

this morning I woke up

& you said

after that BLIZZARD I was AFRAID 

I was NEVER gonna SEE you AGAIN 

I'm gonna TRY to describe

WHAT I like

ABOUT

those two particular

paintings of jason's because

I'm getting this SENSE

that it is important SOMEHOW

he TENDS towards

well his style contains ELEMENTS

he has a sort of COMIC BOOK* aesthetic

& he has this

I have CALLED it

since his high school at least

his RAUSCHENBERG aesthetic

& that's how MOST of his work hits me

BUT

these two OTHERS

have this like ETHERIAL quality

but ALSO

this BEAUTIFUL delineation

SOMEHOW within

the somewhat EXTREME

articulation I MAKE CUBE ALL HYPER**

there is to me this SPACE

in which SOMETHING STILL

is happening

there is a GLOW

it GIVES me a PLACE to ENTER

like the PORTAL of the picture

or the PHYSICS of it maybe

it PROVIDES a place

I can PROJECT MYSELF into

SOMEPLACE I want to be

*defined broadly

**I am not trying to mock him but I am kinda making an inside joke you might not get:  he was hyper active as a kid & has always made art frenetically which I can almost picture him doing with the hundred fifty & he has the caveman robot character who talks like that kinda

I REALLY should sleep

I LOVE you VERY much

goodnight sweetheart ❤️

👾🫚

OH

& the TOWN theme

is MAYBE like GENIUS actually 

it's so COLD

I bought GLOVES

they don't match my hat REALLY

BUT I kinda like them

I WOULD have called them MAUVE

in the EIGHTIES

generally 

this is PINKER than eighties mauve

BUT too gray to be BLUSH*

they also have FAUX FUR cuffs

which makes me FEEL

SOME kind of way

BUT

I'm NOT SURE

just WHAT kind of WAY

& MAYBE

not JUST ONE kind of WAY

THERE IS

a childlike QUALITY about them

ALSO maybe

ROMANTIC dramatic

but playfully so

they have DAISIES on

the thumbs & forefingers**

*which is a current fashion staple 

**I can only assume for texting 

I DREAMED last night

I was making ART somehow

BUT

it was a COMPLICATED process

it SEEMED like

I was using MARKERS

on THIN paper

so it would bleed through

& the bleed through

was the DESIRED effect

it was SOMEWHAT like pointillism

but NOT

it's an interesting idea

I'm not SURE if it's like a stand alone

BUT

I could definitely EXPERIMENT

ADDing THAT to my next SERIES

Jason is doing this HYPERCUBE series

LIKE a hundred fifty SEEMS like

which I TOTALLY get

BUT

that isn't HOW I work

he has a COUPLE of em

DIFFERENT

two of these THINGS are not like the

OTHERS

have a QUALITY

of SPACE

I would like to be able to DEFINE

it probably isn't important

& just the other day

I had this SENSE*

for people who MAKE art

it's either supposed to LOOK LIKE something 

OR

it has to be UNDERSTOOD as

a COMMUNICATION**

& so then there's a WAY in which

it isn't REALLY sensical

to ask like is it GOOD or whatever

RATHER

are YOU receiving it

& SOMEHOW

I feel like if I could DESCRIBE what it is

that is different

THAT would TELL me SOMETHING

ABOUT ME***

*which I'm having trouble articulating

**maybe this is wrong, I'm trying to articulate my sensed reality of recent 

***which seemed counterintuitive to me at first but does seem consistent with my further analysis of my perception 

good morning sweetheart

bagel with peanut butter

scrambled eggs

orange juice 

coffee

&

still

pretty pretty groggy

have a beautiful day

❤️👾🫚

it was a WEIRD day

I'm more comfortable DRIVING

like PHYSICALLY

LIKE

force ENERGY momentum

ONE with the VEHICLE

all those CIRCLES

I've been driving paid off

I think

I LOVE you VERY much

I gotta sleep

goodnight sweetheart

❤️👾🫚

having those leaving the house

nerves

BUT everything FEELS

like

OK

👾🫚

good morning sweetheart

❤️

I want to TALK

I GOT to sleep

goodnight sweetheart

❤️

I THINK

I'm making PROGRESS

with my MOM

we were discussing SOMETHING

I was gonna DO

& she was telling me

that it could be LUCRATIVE

& I'm like

well MAYBE

but I was just thinking it'd be FUN

AND

she's ALL

how could I have raised a child

that would do something for FUN

& as I got OUT the car

I said

PROBABLY cause you didn't raise me

BUT not so she'd HEAR it

JUST for ME

ya know

BUT

then at LUNCH

she LOOKS at me and says

you get the FUN from your FATHER

NOT MEAN 

JP Terlizzi

photography 

I LOVE this 

Tatiana Escallon

I'm with my MOM today

she's with her trainer

& I'm doing some of her LAUNDRY

THEN

apparently

going to galleries

is the MOST important thing

SO

MAYBE

I'll have something FUN

to talk ABOUT

GOING OUT

ALWAYS has potential

for MESSAGES from the UNIVERSE

STAYING in

perhaps less so

(I'm really just talking

because I want to talk to you

not because this was important)

goodnight sweetheart

I LOVE YOU

very much

❤️

22nd Street

stuck in my head

so beautiful 

TODAY

was a busy day

I just finished the LAUNDRY

a little while ago 

from the campfire

to the muck

happy valentine's day 

SWEETHEART

I LOVE you

VERY much

goodnight SWEETHEART

I LOVE you VERY much 💗

👾👾👾🫚

I am VERY agitated

I'm ANGRY with MYSELF

& at the SAME time

I feel very like extra SOMETHING

difficult to put into WORDS

APPRECIATIVE maybe

LIKE

I FEEL like

I've been EXTRA

& I'm LUCKY that you're just not all like

f*CK this sh*t

I don't really think I've been

any CRAZIER that usual

BUT

I guess we've entered the area

where I'm really not OK with myself

& I know I've alluded to it

surely this is not the complete surprise

I'm behaving like it is

BUT

MAYBE 

I should just

CALM the f*CK down

this is a LOT of ground I've been covering

well

I do not feel LESS crazy

BUT

something about a 🏕️🔥

the whole CHILD characterization

is not like not able to decide things

although

I'm NOT making a very good case

for my decisiveness

I WANT stuff

& even if I don't want it

I still want it

& if you don't WANT it

that's sad

& if you DO

then that's terrifying

NOT because I don't want you to

BUT because I DO

& NOW I feel like

I've f*CKed everything up somehow

which seems EXTREME

I don't want to un ask though

I want to see you

there's a reason

I'm so hard to read though

I FEEL like

I am the most confusing person

in the ENTIRE world

BUT

I'm not sure HOW to fix THAT

it's probably not too late

to un ask off from work 

I REMEMBER

I don't remember choosing a song

I was looking at

I can't help falling in love with you

& tupelo honey

BUT

the first one felt too something

& tupelo honey

felt like I was calling myself sweet

& that seemed

TOO FORWARD

in two different ways

I'm not AT ALL comfortable with

what the UNIVERSE chose

THERAPY was cancelled

SEMI last minute

SO

MAYBE no crazy dramatic ANALYSIS today

FUNNY thing

I WANTED to cancel therapy today

but felt like it was too last minute

as your FRIEND

I will tell you

she's maybe like

an alien child

more than you think

OK

WEIRD shit is happening here

I found out

that the person who makes

my favorite FUNNY videos currently

is ALSO

one of my go to music on YouTube

& I didn't even

recognize her

I was trying to choose

some SONGS

couldn't REMEMBER 

what I DID choose 

so I LOOKED

& it's a song I don't remember even LISTENING to

SO

that's the UNIVERSE

& I'm not sure what

it means

BUT it's trying to tell you SOMETHING 

I don't think I can work that timeline though

goodnight SWEETHEART 

I love you very much

👾👾🫚

I think I MAYBE

wanna bring the DANGER

so I can BRING the CALM

I'm probably not confused anymore

the music I was HEARING

in my HEAD

it's one of the BITS

that kinda FLOAT around me the MOST

MAYBE

the played it in BALLET

or SOMETHING

duh duh 

da da da da da da da da da   da

it's NOT the ZANEY stuff

though I love THAT too

it's MORE somber

BUT

it has this TRANSITIONAL quality

like something that WAS serious

is OH

NOW

I'm becoming CONFUSED 

RAIN though

in new orleans

the LEAGUE

was all very young 

with little experience or skill

BUT

THAT never once

occurred to me in quite that way

I TOLD you

God has a sense of humor 

I had a piece of music STUCK

in my HEAD

& I thought it MIGHT be

Hungarian Rhapsody

I LISTENED to it

I can't REMEMBER what I was

HEARING before

I FORGOT how GOOD 

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much ❤️

👾🫚

I was irl LOOKING up the

SUPER BOWL

BUT also kinda like

is TAYLOR SWIFT winning

& I RED FLAGGED

myself

for MANIA

& I laughed because

THAT

never happened BEFORE

AND

it hadn't BEEN happening

the red flagging

thought I can NOW see PATTERN

BUT

my isn't THAT dramatic

ya got that sh*t CRANKED

besides

you can't*

without just a soupcon of MANIA

YEAH YEAH get to the FUNNY

WHEN you got the MANIA red flag

the FIRST thing you WANTED to do

I think we COVERED it

we will all just wait then shall we

FINE

I WANTED

to be SURE you KNOW 

I did NOT come to the COMPLETE 

REALIZATION 

of the therapist's LIFE STORY 

UNTIL 

AFTER 

I had LEFT his office because 

I am not using my WHOLE BRAIN

to analyze the DOCTOR 

I am THERE for ME 

his overflow goes into the buffer 

I got it LATER 

*distil, something I forgot, transmogrify blah blah

THAT'S the THING though

it HAS been

that one time

it was just lucky for me

that I had my daddy dying as cover

it just seems to heal

with a higher capacity

YOU have TAUGHT me

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

because

you like inspired it in me

or something 

good morning sweetheart

I LOVE you VERY much

I'm NOT sure

I'm making MORE sense

as I go along

if I have SEEMED negative

or DISCOURAGING

I DON'T think those are accurate READINGS

I'm working through some STUFF

BUT

one thing I'm REALIZING

I would have TRIED to get you NOT to

break my brain

& you were ABSOLUTELY supposed to

SUPER IMPORTANT

f*CKing FORETOLD supposed to

SO

there's a WAY in which I don't WANT to

CHANGE how you do ANYTHING

& there's ALSO a way

in which I FEEL like

I AM supposed to HELP you know

I'm AFRAID that I will BREAK us

with something I SAY or DO

BUT could I REALLY

COULD you

I THINK the fact that you were

behind me somewhere on the BUS

is a difficult interpretation to pin down

BUT

you WERE ON the BUS

I was in COMMUNICATION with you

& neither of THOSE seem to indicate

LOSING you

which is what I'm MOST afraid of

I'm just USED to always

I REALLY have TRIED not to use this analogy

it's like I'm sookie stackhouse

I'm used to reading minds

& suddenly

there's this EXCITING vampire

whose mind I CAN'T read

& if you've ever noticed

what a THING vampires were for me

growing up

you'll understand why

this realization

conceptualization is KINDA HOT

so now that's kinda activated again

& as your FRIEND

I'm STILL not sure what to tell you

about me

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I've never really UNDERSTOOD

THIS whatever this is

& now I feel like I'm SUPPOSED to know

SOMETHING

that I don't THINK I DO know

YOU are kind of

POETRY 

M is a FASCINATING choice

of all the people

so MANY associated

IDEAS

the ONE that immediately

SEEMS salient

is

the one that ILLUSTRATES me

she was gonna take me OUT for my birthday

to a place that I KNEW to be

VERY EXPENSIVE

& which I was PRETTY sure

she would NOT understand HOW $$$

& I could have

just said NO

BUT

it was a thing SHE wanted to do

it was a thing I WANTED to do

it was going to be fun

BUT I KNEW

I was probably going to have to

NO

PROBABLY is too STRONG

I think it is a lot more expensive than you think

I said to her

PLEASE call the restaurant

BUT I knew M wouldn't do that

SO I went to dinner with her

FULLY prepared to

PAY for my OWN dinner

& that's the way I am

I was IRRITATED with her

because when SPECIFICALLY

TOLD

she couldn't

ya know

BUT

it wasn't a SURPRISE

(continuing)

I am NOT sure

WHAT the message

I've been THINKING about that DREAM

I THINK the FLOOD is

well

I actually think EVERY BIT of

THAT dream

is like PACKED

FLOOD is

the coming RISE in DANGER

extremists 

climate

microcosm though as well

FLOOD is

also how DEEP I think your feeling goes

THEN I remember

I ALWAYS thought that

&

then I THINK what was he SUPPOSED

to think

it SEEMS pretty CRAZY to me

LOOKING back

it DID at the time too I think

BUT the thing is WHATEVER I got

going on in HERE

is NOT normal

ANYWAY I think you have feelings

& they go REAL deep

(what do I usually call this

to be continued

CONTINUING--  )

WELL

Ii started to say TODAY was WEIRD

except I THINK I say THAT

EVERY day

BUT

I'm having TROUBLE quantifying

OK

I can't RESTRAIN myself

I don't like Bibi

not one little bit

MAYBE you remember

Rebecca Schaefer is a young woman

I carry close to my heart

in some sort of psychic memento Mori way

well Rachel Corrie is another one

& that is what I associate with Bibi

NOW I am not like SO many

of the liberal Americans 

because I UNDERSTAND that although

YES there are ELEMENTS

that SEEM to fix easily into paradigms

THEY IN FACT do NOT

from the river to the sea is not

some RANDOM geographical thing

it's a genocidal aspiration

Israel has a little bit of a psychological issue

like someone who was ABUSED

& that comes out

REALLY strongly negatively in Bibi

BUT it's valid, ya know

BUT it's a whole regional dynamic REALLY

& it seems to me

like it's TIME for the middle eastern countries

who want to be taken SERIOUSLY

as MODERN at least SEMI rational

ENGAGED with the rest of the world

Saudi Arabian, UAE, Qatar, Oman, Kuwait

& maybe I don't have that list quite right

but WHOEVER ya know

THEY NEED to step UP

& say that TERRORISTS are NO LONGER

something they will support

the UN or the US or someone

NOT involved with ANY of the actions

ON THE GROUND

NEED to GO IN

& REMOVE HAMAS

provide humanitarian aid

BUT you can't just expect Israel to be like

NO HARM NO FOUL

when they've got the WHOLE f*CKing region

saying let's f*CKing wipe out the Jews

to various degrees CONSTANTLY

AND

the Palestinians got f*CKed

they just DID but that whole situation

is a CLUSTER f*CK

it's understandable how Israel has tended to react

BUT it isn't FIXING the problem

I THINK the sweet spot answer

MIGHT be

EVERYONE agree on some land

to become the PALESTINIAN state

the we'll call em BIG SHOULDERED countries

use some of that f*CKing $$$ they

LOVE to throw around

AND

MAKE PALESTINE the f*CKing JEWEL

of the middle east

where the standard of living is

SO HIGH that nobody has the kinda of

HOPELESSNESS

that makes blowing yourself up

seem like a worthwhile endeavor

THAT STILL lets them

STICK their FINGER in the EYE

of Israel

which they'd like

BUT in a way that ACTUALLY might

just all around improve things

those rich countries WANT

INTERNATIONAL CRED

they're doing ALL KIND of shit to get it

WHEN what they COULD do

that would WORK BETTER

is just STEP UP to being CIVILIZED

in an INTERNATIONALLY RELEVANT way

I understand

there are some ways 

in which this is possibly naive

BUT

I don't think I'm fundamentally wrong 

AND

I was just about to launch into

a whole thing

HOW disturbing the whole GAZA

IDEAS I have that probably

do not take into account important facts

my feelings on Bibi

& I'm LIKE

jesus woman can you just SHUT UP

NOBODY can deal with all THIS at ONCE

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 

👾👾🫚

I'm sorry

there's some WAY in which

I have changed

there are ALSO some WAYS in which

I am STRETCHING out mentally

SO I keep like second guessing MYSELF

it's probably NOT fair to EXPECT

you to just ROLL with it

I am wearing MYSELF out

& I can SEE now

how this is on TOP of like a couple years now

I can't STOP doing what I'm doing

I'm just ACKNOWLEDGING

that I SEE how difficult I'm being 

& I WISH I could just FIX it

UNLESS what's REALLY happening

is that I'm BECOMING something

in THAT case

I don't want to FIX it

AND

THAT SOUNDS a little CRAZY

which I don't love

AS I'm WRITING these THINGS

I'm FEELING like

WHAT I'm writing is GOOD

like

I FEEL like I'm BREAKING through

BUT

then I think about HOW MUCH

EVERYTHING

is CYCLING through

I WONDER if I'm even managing

to be just NOT completely INSANE

OK

so like I REALLY want to tell you

about THERAPY

I THINK you will see RIGHT away

why I didn't want you to think

ANY of this

was in ANY way

related to YOU because it's KINDA bad

I know WAY more about my therapist

than I want to now

EVERY session he just tells me

MORE and more personal stuff

& I MEAN

EVERYBODY does

BUT I wasn't really expecting it

NONE of the OTHER therapists

I've been to EVER told me

ANYTHING personal

THEY were much more formal

ALSO

they were WOMEN

SO anyway

my SYSTEM red flagged him

POTENTIAL pathological liar

he says a lot of STUFF

& he red flagged once BEFORE

because his story CHANGED

the EVENTS of his THANKSGIVING

which had to be last minute changed

because there was an EXPLOSION at

the lake house

BUT

I chalked that inconsistency up to

some sort of TACTICS

BUT

this time he told ME

he was responsible for DESTROYING

a VAN GOGH

& a DEGAS

along with his group of cousins

NOW I gather his family was LOADED

but a VAN GOGH

AND a DEGAS both hanging

in the SAME room

a general use room where they let the KIDS play

BUT they got them restored, right

I asked

OH they couldn't BE restored

& they were INSURED and everything

WELL I assure YOU

he described the DAMAGE

& they ABSOLUTELY could have been restored

now maybe the insurance company

might have been happy

to TAKE the paintings

& give them what they were INSURED for

BUT then he described the SIZE

of the PIECES

& the PUNISHMENT

they all had to do A LOT of YARDWORK

AND HOW

he asks ME

is that an APPROPRIATE punishment

AND

I realized this was not REALLY an appropriate

RED FLAG either

BECAUSE

they were PRINTS

OR perhaps copy "originals"

& his punishment for destroying THOSE

was to THINK

like his whole life

that he had destroyed a real VAN GOGH

& a real DEGAS

BUT that the ONLY punishment

was YARDWORK

God DOES

have a sense of HUMOR 

the WEIRD thing is

although I AM an EAGLES fan

I've never heard THAT song before

KATZ oracle, man

I dreamed I was on the ROAD

& the hotel room

when I woke up

had a BUNCH of different people in it

like with no explanation

THEN I was packing up

and there were these drawings

my brother did when he was a kid

kinda torn on the floor

I talked to some lady

with a booth at a craft show

I can't really remember that part

& I saw misty

I'm not sure where I was

BUT

there was a FLOOD coming

and we got on a BUS

YOU were on the bus

sitting behind me somewhere

I couldn't see you

but I was getting something from my phone

I seemed perfectly fine with that