all of that
& I'm not sure how much sense it makes
& I'm wondering if there is actually
an reason I can't just say
some of it plainer
NOPE
sorry I can't
YOU were living your life
you did the right things probably
there's a limit to how much I can know
if you did what I would have WANTED
it would NOT have gone well
I made CHOICES
based on the fact that the ONLY thing
I seem to have ever REALLY wanted to do
was talking to you
from the outside
& in real time
they seemed like STUPID
DELUSIONAL
CHOICES
but I pressed bravely on with my ever increasingly
SLACKER lifestyle
& I'm pretty sure I would do it AGAIN
I have been doing
work on myself
the whole time
AND NOW
it SEEMS like I'm MAYBE
morphing into something although
it's REALISTICALLY too soon to TELL
if that turns out to be TRUE
it would align with my
CORE BELIEFS
what you do
should be a THING
that you would do for FREE
without compensation of any kind
for LOVE essentially
although
NOT SPECIFICALLY
SO
if I NOW am able to take this whole period
of my life
in which I have been
just getting by the best I could
in order to spend all my time & energy
CREATIVITY
communicating with you
if I am able to ACTUALLY
CREATE something
OR even BEGIN to SEE the WAY
THAT
is kinda a vindication
LIKE
some HERO'S JOURNEY shit
LIKE
it was all an APPRENTICESHIP
NOT just poor life choices
BECAUSE I can SEE
how through out all this time
there's a WAY
in which
I kinda WANTED you to rescue me
take me in you arms
& say it's okay darlin
don't you worry your pretty little head about it
I GOT ya
BUT
THAT would have been disastrous
YOU have had a GOOD life
& I have been able to help you
AND I have been able to WORK on myself
I don't WANT to go BACK
BACK was just the way God wanted it to be
NO NEED for corrections
BUT
I'm in a TRANSITION
& although I AM very future focused
there's a WAY
in which I CAN'T take in too much
THIS has to be about
what I'M doing
BECAUSE I want to be the HERO of my OWN story
I think THAT'S why ARI was coming back
in case you flaked for some reason
is this making any sense
it would make me SUPER HAPPY
if I wasn't just some stupid delusional GIRL
who COULDN'T HANDLE her own life
so she just lived a FANTASY
where she pretended
SOME GUY loved her
BECAUSE
it NEVER felt to me like that's WHAT I was doing
but all indicators
any OBJECTIVE analysis
it's been a struggle
EXCEPT
it HASN'T
it was IN FACT the only thing I could do
it has been MY MISSION
from GOD
& now it has a part
where you're KINDA a
NOT the FOCUS
& I kinda can't LET you be
which is why I was reluctant to do the whole
old school road trip thing
BUT
god said GO
SO
I THINK
LET ME PROVE
that I can be a god
not just an angel
&
THEN you can make sure
I understand whatever I'm supposed to
UNDERSTAND
