i remembered a little bit of a song

that i wrote when i was eleven

(verse)

i woke up this morning

with a smile on my face

i woke up this morning

knowing i wasn't in grace with the world

(chorus)

but i didn't hit the side that had the wall

so it couldn't have been the wrong side at all

there was more

that was the best part though

and

i can still hear the tune of it

and it's pretty basic

so i'm sure it sounds like something

but

i can't think of anything

ok

going to bed soon

but

i think i figured out something

there was a point

back in 16 or 17

when you were reacting toward me

like you thought i was a republican

and

at the time

i was confused

i am not now nor have i ever been

and i knew i had expressed some opinions

that didn't fit the template of whatever,ya know

the world operates now in such a way

that by a couple sentences in

if you've said the wrong thing

you've already been categorized

but

i had feels about that

but

now

i think i probably said "democrat party"

without realizing that was a trigger word

i think i just heard it said a lot

and

you know how shortening words is a thing

i think i liked the way it sounded better

without realizing

that was not an approved shortening

i still like the sound of it better

but

i don't say it

and

if, as i suspect, i did do that

approximately four years ago

i'm really sorry for being offensive

and for assuming you were trying to box me

nite chat: 7:30

i was  looking at you

and i am again

because i was having trouble with the stream

it kept cutting out

well, technically

i'm just listening to you

at this exact moment

i just looked at you again

your side burns

is that one word?  or two?

i love em

normally, if you have em

they're all trimmed and neat

now they're quarantine-resplendent

i love em

and it makes me wonder

what you'd look like with a beard

now

let me just say

i don't much like beards, generally

but

have you ever done the full

beard action

i have no idea how long i've been wearing this shirt

i think two weeks

might be a generous guess

it's just perfect

it'slight weight

and it's a blend of cotton and modal

(i think that's how you spell it)

it's too big

it doesn't really look good to wear out

i got it on clearance and i figured it would probably look sloppy

if i get shirts too big it doesn't usually look good

but

i figured if they didn't look good

i'd sleep in em

i did wear em to work

but

i never want to wear anything else--  ever

this shirt is light gray heathered

and i've been wearing it for a year

and it looks good

so

i guess

where i'm goin with this

if you haven't ever done the beard thing

which maybe you have

but

if you haven't

this might be the the time

not trying to push you either way

just a thought

again

i think you look great

and i love the current facial hair situation

nite chat: 7:29

i'm having trouble focusing

and

i'm irritable

those aren't good things

i didn't make margaritas

i'm just drinking iced tea

i'm restless

i might need to go for a walk or something

i don't mean now

i just mean

like ever, ya know

i don't feel like it's ever safe to go out

i had this thought

about worlds

like in mayan mythology

and probably other cultures too

but

i'm pretty sure the stuff i read was mayan

and i don't remember details

but

conceptually

there's like the first creation story

and then there's like four more

and the situation is different every time

and

it never made sense tome before

but

somehow

now it seems very reasonable

humans rise

humans kill themselves off

humans have to be created again

maybe that's goin somewhere

not sure

Well I asked myself what I wanted for lunch

And I said cake

I think technically I have all the ingredients to make cake

Except I think I just have all purpose flour not pastry flour

Although that would probably work

I don't want to start with making a cake

So I made pancakes

Apparently I'm carbing up for something

😁

It's raining it's been raining all day

Well it wasn't raining when I was in bed before

But then I got that like nail through the head and I said something's coming

Well it was it's been raining

It's so dark outside that it's like really dark in here even though it's day

It's very strange

Okay I'm awake

I dreamed some weird stuff

My mother was pregnant and she was in the hospital giving birth

I don't think she was as old as she is now

But she was pretty old to be giving birth

And also in the story she was giving birth vaginally after cesarean section

Which is an accurate that to real life

She didn't have a cesarean section

But at the point when I was in women's studies classes

That was like a super brave thing that was talked about in I think it was anthropology of women

Cuz I think I read a bunch of stuff that was done by a woman who was studying the anthropology of hospitals

And women generally how they're treated in the medical system

And doctors did not want to perform vaginal births on women who had had cesarean sections before

And the common wisdom was that you would rupture

but in cesarean section the whole process is taken away from you it's scheduled and it's surgery and you're not really involved in the birthing process

and there were women who didn't want to have that taken away from them

I don't know what that means for my mother giving birth

I don't know what it means for me in the dream

but I'm just giving you that background because I don't know if that's something you would have any reason to know about

And there was another part where I was living in the house with my stepfather

And I don't know if that was related to my mother giving birth or not

She wasn't there

and there was something deeply weird about being alone in the house with him

but I can't put my finger quite on what it was

And then there was another one where I was working in a furniture store

And there was a whole bunch of other story going on not sure that working at the furniture store was even the most important part of the story

and I don't think that I was going to be working there very long I think I was about to be let go

But maybe that's not right maybe I was temporary

But I was setting up these displays

And I was planning for pieces of furniture that I wanted

I'm not really sure how that makes sense either

And then I was laying in bed trying to think about things I'm grateful for

It's tending to be the same list

Which I guess makes sense

But then I was trying to branch out

And I was nodding off

and my brain kept trying to fill in things that

We're not even things

and we're not things that if they were real I'm sure I would be all that grateful for

And it was kind of freaking me out a little bit

so then I kind of tried to shape myself awake more so that I wouldn't do that

And I started thinking about what I wanted to eat

And apparently I want to bake potato for breakfast

I don't think that's very practical cuz it'll take too long to cook

And I'm pretty hungry now

So I'm a little bit turned around

And then as I'm laying there my nose just seems to be getting more and more stopped up

And I'm passed getting freaked out that I might have the covid

but then I got this like a stabbing pain in my head so I don't know what's going on

I don't know if it's supposed to rain I'm sure the hurricane front is gone

But my barometer head is definitely saying there's something going on

so I don't know I feel a little discombobulated I think my dreams were confusing and then my free thought was confusing

I guess I'm just a little confused

I love you very much sweetheart

I hope you're having a good day 💋

i've been nodding off for a while now

i think i'm going to have to go to bed

i love you very much sweetheart

well

i listened to a lot of news

and i'm not sure that was a good idea

i hope you had a beautiful birthday

did lots of fun stuff

ate lots of cake

i haven't gone back to bed

but 

i think i'm about to do that

i'm feeling like i might fall over

actually

maybe i did nod off

my mom seems to have texted me

i love you very much sweetheart 

I'm up

I set my alarm for 3:30 and I just slept right through it

But I'm up now

I'm super groggy though

I'm not sure if I want to have coffee though

I somehow got turned around I think I was planning to do on Monday morning and now it's Monday night

So I'm thinking I might not stay up all night

I was thinking I might

Could have been a little earlier than that

I don't know

I hope you're having a good day

I love you very much sweetheart

well

i've been up for about twenty two hours

i think i might take a nap

i don't really want to go to sleep

but

i'm kinda tired

and my head is starting to hurt

i love you very much sweetheart

i hope you are having a really good day

Okay I remembered that I have this deck called the star that never walks around

Which is related to the Morningstar

and it's not a deck that I've really used because the cards around which are hard to shuffle and the art doesn't really resonate with me

I found it like I don't know probably about the same time that I got that reading with the angel tarot that said that nothing could prevent you from loving me

I probably got it about that same time so what was that like 8 years ago I don't know it was a native american-themed deck and I thought that I would love it but I just never really connected with it but I thought for clarification purposes it's thematically relevant

So the suits are frogs are cups

Turtles are discs are pentacles

Butterflies are swords

And Thunderbirds are wands

so you got the hermit and the hanged man which both reinforce the idea of kind of deep inner psychological workings of spirituality

And you got Queen of turtles and seven of turtles

You also got seven of Thunderbirds

So getting multiple sevens in this particular deck indicates luck or opportunity

So you got seven of Thunderbirds which is one's which is victory is yours if you have the courage to stand by your convictions

and seven of turtles which was the first card I sat down I think maybe no no the hermit was the first card I sat down but the seven of turtles is in the center of this spread before I really thought about what anything meant and seven of turtles would be seven of pentacles which would be that card that's associated with me now apparently

So in this deck the seven of turtles is associated with potlatch

You also got two frogs which is two cups so you know love friendship close spiritual bond

You also got three of butterflies which is three of swords which you had in the other readings so that's reinforced

Except in this jackets pain family problems miscarriage or abortion

So that's not good

so the Ace of Thunderbirds and the seven of Thunderbirds both indicate opportunities and kind of the opening of the way and new new good exciting things The six of Thunderbirds is success possible travel for business or pleasure and horse spirit story about Sacagawea being offered a pony which was unheard of in native American culture so it's all super good except for the three of butterflies

But it does pretty much it does pretty much reinforce the reading before it's opportunities growth all this kind of stuff but it's based on accessing deep psychological spiritual stuff

Except to be honest this one this reading seems to me to have me as an integral part of it somehow and the other ones didn't

Specifically

birthday reading

So I generally never read with and I'm not even sure that you're supposed to read with the water crystal oracle

But I felt called to so I'm doing it

And the cards you got

Lourdes water

Autonomic nerve hado

Confidence

So I think this is about faith not necessarily any sort of religious faith but just faith in the universe faith in the power of love to heal 

That kind of going into the sacred grotto of your psyche and using what you find there

To strengthen your nerve your anxiety to be able to get past any of that anxiety or tension or depression or the things that have a negative impact on your psychological being but are rooted in your autonomic nervous system the way your body functions

To boost your confidence to do new things and try new things which is already a strength of yours but to just reach higher levels and transcend any limitations that you may have

Then these other cards are from a deck I bought when I was going to the metaphysical store and I never really kind of got what I was supposed to do with them

It's a pretty small deck so it doesn't shuffle very well and it's called initiation to the stars

And I think what you're supposed to do is look at all the pictures and pick a portal that you resonate with and then pick a guide the same way

But that never really works for me because they're all kind of amazing

I mean quetz'l is one of the guides so there's that

But what I did for you for your reading was to turn the cards all upside down on the table and then just run my hand over the cards until I felt an electrical current

Which is what happens when I pick cards that way and so you got for your guide you got Ganesh the remover of obstacles and for your portal you got Hopi

And I thought that was weird and didn't really line up so I looked back through to see if there was an Indian portal or something that seemed to be related to Ganesh and there was not so it wasn't just a mistake there wasn't a portal that went with Ganesh

But when I read them in the book there was a surprising amount of crossover in kind of what they were talking about

and I thought well yeah sure they're talking about stars but you know it's like Stargate or something but then I read through the other ones and they didn't all sound the same so...

So the Ganesha one is talking about he'll throw stars at you and the Hopi one is talking about came from the stars

So I'm going to put those together and I'm going to say Life will throw things that you

And ganache will turn them to stars

Unless they hit you your mind your body your essence absorb the stars into yourself

You came from the stars and you are a star

And the obstacles are made of stardust the same as you and the kachinas will lead you through the portal back to the stars while Ganesh dances

And that may sound very esoteric

And not terribly useful in day to day life perhaps

But it's a metaphor

And as a metaphor it really isn't all that different from the water Oracle crystals

So then I've been trying to find tarot deck Oracle deck matchups and I just don't have as many cards as I sort of thought I did

I mean I guess I do have more cards than I actually have out and ones that I use for sure I do

I have a baseball to row

I have a crop circle Oracle

I got other stuff I haven't been through all of them yet

I've really just gone through the ones that I like and use and I've only found one set that pairs up

But the way you can tell that they pair up is that they like vibe together so you do this thing where you put two halves of the tarot deck and then one in the middle of the Oracle and you turn them over so you have turo Oracle Toro and the Oracle will relate to the tarot like a bunch of times in a row

And so the decks that I have found that work together are the Mary El Tarot and the sacred symbols deck

So I use those to do your reading

And when I shuffled it we had a jumper

So that is this like feathered winged angel coming up out of the deep with these like crab claws

And I think we're going to have to say that that's about grasping and tenacity like here's this sort of angelic being but he's got these sort of wicked claws

And I think it's saying that there's all this subconscious essence that is angelic and maybe ties into that whole kind of lourdes saintly energy water the holy water and yet the hands coming up out of the water are tref

So maybe that

Is a thing

Maybe the holy and beautiful and really deep love needs to have a representation that is not holy that is not Orthodox

And six of cups if this were right or weight deck which it isn't has to do with nostalgia but I don't think that really translates here I don't think this is about nostalgia at all I think it's about using an unorthodox method that doesn't seem like it's about love or holiness to convey something that you want to convey that's deeply spiritual and deeply psychological

And then the regular cards that we got were the three of swords and the high priestess and Morningstar but then I went ahead and drew another card so that it would all balance out because that felt like the right thing to do and so you got Morningstar and you got Thunderbird tracks

And Morningstar is specifically tied to kachinis interestingly enough and Thunderbird tracks is also native American and is like a lucky card

Three of swords swords are about thought

And if this were a rider weight deck which it is not then three of swords would be about sadness and heartbreak but like I said it's not a rider weight deck so the three is about balance and the beginning of a structure of thought

And it has a dove a piece of with the three swords

And the dark clouds

So the contrast of the dove that's kind of dirty with the swords I think is just kind of a reinforcement there are ideas You're having ideas that are balancing and creating a new sort of Holiness or purity that's not pretty in white and clean it's a little grungy and humanized

And the high priest this is all about inspiration and depths

so it's like all of this is getting reinforced and I thinkI think you're going to come up with some sort of really breakout thing like this is some deeply personal

Deeply personal project

It's going to connect with people on a very real level but transmit a holy message

Which doesn't seem like it's really a new thing

But it is going to be a new thing somehow

And that's my reading

Or prediction maybe

It's like you're going to go there

Wherever there is

That place that you didn't want to go

Didn't feel comfortable going

But you've got all the luck and you've got all the yeah you've got all the luck cuz ganesha's luck too and then Thunderbird tracks and Morningstar

Yeah whatever it is that you've been wanting to do and I'm getting this is creatively but whatever it is you've been wanting to do this year you're going to have more insight and more inspiration into it something important for yourself and for connecting with people

That's it I don't know if that was a good reading or something you wanted

But that that's it maybe I can do another spread and see if I can get something else

happy birthday sweetheart
i love you very much

the second one
doesn't hold up as well
it's not really worth the time
except for the death stuff
which i really liked

i didn't remember one bit of the second one
although i definitely saw it

i didn't really learn anything new on the call
i'm watching bill and ted's excellent adventure
because i've got to get ready
for the b&tEA3
and
i gotta say
it totally holds up!

be excellent to each other
party on dudes

Okay I'm sort of up now

I dreamed that my job which I'm not sure where it was I worked sent me and I think they sent it digitally

Some kind of thing

That said if I paid $36

And it was unclear if I was supposed to pay it every month or if I was supposed to pay it once

I suspected it was a monthly thing

But then I would have access to like $900 and something dollars

And I was like this doesn't make any sense

Because what they were sending me looks like if I sent them $36 or I think had them deduct $36 for my check

Then I would just have like close to $1,000

Like just pay 36 get $900 and something

And I knew that could not be right because I did not make any sense

I knew it had to be something like pay $36 every pay period and then have there be $900 and something dollars at some point in the future or like insurance or something

There was some catch

But I was trying to find out what that was

because the idea of paying $36 and then just right away getting access to $900 and something dollars was just too compelling to say it's got to be a trick and walking away from

I wanted to understand what was really going on before I walked away from it

But I just could not seem to find the information that would let me figure it out

And then I woke up

I'm sure I had other dreams before that but I don't remember what they were

It is thundering really really loud

and the weather did say it was supposed to rain all week

And that's kind of thing always makes me a little nervous

But there was no indication that it wasanything other than a moving front system so I'm not like afraid

But I mean yesterday it was really really dark and it's really really dark now too I could see it through the blanket that's up on the window

so I guess once I'm officially up I'll try to figure out what's going on with the with the weather but really really loud thunder just rumbling so much that it almost feels like it's shaking the house

I hope you're doing well

I love you very much

I'm going to go get coffee and stuff and I've got that phone meeting thing at 3:00

Yeah I haven't gone to bed yet

I ate my cheese and crackers I got caught up in something else

So I'm at 26 hours now or thereabouts

I love you sweets

Okay

So I've been up for almost 24 hours again

So it's just about time to go to sleep

I'm hungry so I'm going to eat some cheese and crackers

And then I'm going to go to sleep

This is like kind of a cool pattern now

awake for 24 hours sleep for 12 hours a week for 24 hours sleep for 12 hours

except that isn't exactly what I've been doing because I slept for 4 hours one time and 6 hours another time and 4 hours maybe another time I'm not sure

those don't seem to work quite as good as the awake for 24 hours sleep for 12 hours

And there's like a covet town hall group call at 3:00 tomorrow

So I got to be awake for that

So I got to go to sleep soon anyway

I don't guess I have to sleep for 12 hours

Actually even on the days when I sleep for 12 hours I don't set my alarm for 12 hours

But sometimes I sleep through it

or sometimes I kind of wake up and turn it off without really realizing that I've done that

And any rate

I love you very much

I hope you're doing really well

And I'm going to eat some cheese and crackers and then I'm going to go to sleep

Goodnight sweetheart

I woke up

I've been in the bathroom

And going through Instagram pictures of which the world a lot because I was asleep for a long time and I'm following too many people now

My cat is like please please please feed me

So I'm going to go feed the cat

nothing I'm not 100% sure whether I'm going to go ahead and get up or whether I'm going to go back to sleep

I've had bad dreams all night

In the front is definitely here

Because my head is

Pretty tore up

I love you very much sweetheart

7:24

ok
i've been up about twenty hours
i guess it's time to sleep a little

i love you very much

Oh yeah and before I lay down

I took a bath in Epsom salts

Then I took a hot shower and washed my hair

And I burned a scented candle

But before that I had a song stuck in my head briefly

And it was Lucy in the sky with diamonds

I had a headache and I lay down and I fell asleep

I did not intend to go to sleep

But I'm not like distraught and I went to sleep

Before I fell asleep I was having these kind of I'm not sure exactly what to call them

In that last tiny house the one that's all white with the windows all over the place

I was having these images of me and the bedroom and having the bedroom be almost like a temple

And I just slept on futons that I then rolled up and I would sit in the middle of the room and meditate

And that's about as far as I got but it was really interesting

But then in my dream

They were a bunch of parts I don't really remember

One part I was telling somebody how things used to be

Another part that was a person in the parking lot

Basically screaming grievances

And somebody was angry and wanted us arrested

But the authority figure was not a police officer

I think it was a security guard

Just kept telling her

They're just having a very heated discussion

But that wasn't true we weren't really even talking to each other

And I went to some grocery store

And I had some interactions for sure

But I don't remember them

But as I was leaving I was talking to manager supervisor of some kind and we were talking about how there was another store

And I think they were thanking me for coming to their branch instead of the other one

Because they knew it was closer to me

And I was saying no it wasn't closer it was exactly the same distance

and we were talking about the thing that would recommend them over this store was their wine selection

And I was saying that in spite of that I always came to their branch

I feel like there was more to that like it was somehow very significant

I'm still kind of nodding off a little

I'm going to stay laying down but I've got my alarm set for about 30 minutes

And then I'm going to get up and get something to eat

nite chat: 7:23

ok
so
i guess i'm going to talk about houses
idk why i'm fixated on them right now
but i do tend to cycle through that
so
i don't necessarily feel comfortable in big spaces
i tend to want things to be like
filled up
and that doesn't work well in big places
they tend to feel uncomfortably empty
not cozy

then again
i'm a little claustrophobic
so idk how happy i'd be in a very small space
so
if i'm just on some land somewhere
and i accept that i probably am not competent
to build a house
then
maybe this works for me

i'd need them to take out the media stand though

because i need the space for my furniture

and i have no intention of buying a big screen tv

i like the vaguely san francisco-y bay window action

i like the wrap around cabinets in the kitchen

i'm not wild about the kitchen, generally

and i'm not crazy about the bathroom

but that area in front of the wrap around cabinets

by the windows

i feel like i would set up my table there

and spend a lot of time there

it has a cafe feel that i like

the bedroom is very small

but again with the cool windows

and the storage

and

it has the two lofts

so one could be an office-y work area

and/or

it could be left open

for stretching and dancing and whatnot

and the back loft

could be like an attic

so

i mean

i feel like it would meet my needs

no porch though

but

these bigger houses

 

i love the master bedroom!

the windows!

i love the master bathroom!

i like the living room a lot

but the kitchen

not so much

it feels like there's too much going on

in the front room

it feels like a tiny house kitchen made large

and seventeen hundred sq ft

seems enormous

enormous

but

i could see it being workable

maybe the two extra bedrooms

could be converted into usable work space

i won't go into the fantasy of that

it's a nice house

it's kinda hideous from the outside

whereas that tiny house is actively cute

but there is a porch on the house

kinda narrow, but probably good enough, ya know

and that tiny house has no porch at all

but then

this one is even bigger

a little over two thousand sq ft

and i don't love the living room

and i don't like the bedroom

or all the other bedrooms and bathrooms

it's just too too much

but

the master bathroom

i like

and the closet being through the bathroom

also like--  i think

but

the kitchen is like a dream

i love it

and the big area for the table

at the end of the kitchen with all the windows

it's so beautiful, so like right out of a dream

and

the master bedroom is located separately

so the other bedrooms could be used for something

they just seem weird

the second house is less expensive

and how much time do i spend sleeping, really

but i love that crazy semi moroccan looking tile

and those beautiful windows

but

i love the kitchen

but

that house, in addition to being

hideous

straight up looks like a trailer

which might ot might not be a problem

depending

but then i see this

it's so clean and bright

the kitchen is pretty

the bathroom is beautiful

the windows in the bedroom are beautiful

it has a porch

but

there's not a lot of storage

i don't know how practical it is

but it's really really beautiful

and

i'm afraid to ask what happens

when he gets a million subscribers

i can only assume i'm supposed to

think it's a nude house tour

i like him

that is how i think people talk

the things he says

the way he expresses things

seems exactly how i think

like my internal comfort level

so

idk if that's something you want to know

but

when i realized he was from texas

i'm like

of course he is

i think he's up near dallas though

i think it's hysterical

the does he come with the house thing

i'm up
i'm eating and watching rachael maddow

Okay

I just could not stop watching that stuff

Some of those places were way too big

But had kitchens and bathrooms that were amazing

Maybe I'm boozier than I thought I was

Okay so I've been up for like almost 22 hours now

So I think I'm going to sleep for a little while

I love you so very much

I hope you're having fun whatever you're doing

I hope you're taking good good care of yourself

my plan is just to sleep for a little while but I don't know

I don't think I'm going to get up for the press conference

But I'm not planning to just sleep on through

So maybe I'll be up at 5:00 or 6:00?

💋

messages from my new guide: 7:22

So I was talking to the tarot deck

And I'm trying to get better acquainted with it

And I ask it what is the rest of the year going to look like for me

And it was interesting it was really interesting because it was two rows that were almost identical in format

Well I mean I'm not sure I laid them down in that order originally I think I rearranged them

But the first five card made that card makes sense for me because that was another card that I have always had trouble reading

And it gets strife as it's keyword

And then sometimes you'll get things like a challenge just for the fun of it or something weird like that

But this one now I understand it as being you're engaged in an activity that's maybe strenuous or maybe violent or has some element of struggle to it but it's really to build up a force of energy to build up the fire to create something

And then the 10

The experience is now feverish with detail and story, eyes are open to the lucid dream of it, conscious of the fullness of this manifestation.

And there was more but I think that that's the important part

And then the trail is the psychopomp

The cedar Rose has your back. In fire, You will be led to unpredictable vision, salves of meaning, adventure.

But then the dreamer the one that actually goes to the psychopomp isn't fire

In an interesting turn of events

She's often busy championing the underdog babies and she offers classes on the theory of knowledge--she can tightrope her way out of any argument or convince you to play the spoons, eat parchment, celebrate your birthday at the opposite end of the year... And she may lend you thalmaturgical words for a rough night

I mean wow

Thalmaturgical words

And now the bottom row is all about coral which is emotions

And that five is usually all about sadness and lost love and all kind of bad things so like if you get a five in your reading you're like oh f***

But this one the sonata will keep reverberating until every tear has bound release. Water knows how to cleanse the hostage heart, give it back to Joy.

so she suddenly it seems more like catharsis then oh f*** so that can't be bad right it's awesome

And the 10 the experience is now bathed in detail and story, eyes are open to the lucid dream of it, conscious of the fullness of this manifestation. Love fulfills itself and is felt to the very center of the beating heart and out through all things. The dream poet whispers that one and 10 are rituals of height and descent--The one and the ten thousand things--and the other numbers, The enthusiasm to fully live.

I just looked up falmaturgy and the definition that it has isn't specific enough

It's saying basically that thalmaturgy is magic

But thalamaturgy is a type of magic

Thalmaturgical magic is where you take a piece of something and you use it to have control over something bigger

So like an example would be a voodoo doll

But it wouldn't have to be a voodoo doll That's just the most obvious example

So you take an object and you make it represent something else and then you don't have to actually act upon the thing you're trying to work magic on You can just work magic on the thing you have with you The little representation

So I took the thalamiturgical words thing

Rather than being some kind of just magical words to get you out of trouble

I took it to be thalmaturgical

So it's back to writing

And the choral psychopomp wants me to know that the luminescent plankton has my back

Which I find surprisingly reassuring

I don't know if I'm just getting these amazingly prescient readings

Or if I just am so enamored with the way this deck is set up and the book is written that I'm creating these amazingly prescient readings

I ask this deck a question and it gave me this super clear answer and I was like oh my God oh my God

And then I went and asked the lover's tarot

which sometimes gives me answers that I understand and sometimes I'm just like huh

And I ask at the same question

And I essentially got the same answer

One of the cards was even the same

So like having gotten the answer from this deck I could look at those cards and go oh yeah that's the same answer

But it was a little less specific

And one of the cards was to have discs which I've mentioned I have always had trouble with

So when I look at it from that deck I still don't say oh yeah that means that I look at it and go huh

Anyway I love you very much

And I'm not even sure what kind of a sleeping schedule I'm on at this point

I mean that up 24 hours sleep 12 hours

That was pretty good I like that

But then that up 22 hours or 23 hours and then sleep 6 hours and then up like 20 hours and sleep 4 hours or whatever it was I just did something like that That's just disorienting

And I was going to go to sleep about 10:00 but now it's 5:00 in the morning again

So I don't know

I tend to have these times during the day when I get tired

Like I used to notice when I was in college I would have kind of a slump at 2:00 in the afternoon or so I would need some caffeine

but it seems like no matter how tired I am how little sleep I've gotten if I make it to 10:00

I might literally be up all night

I mean I was literally sitting here nodding off

And then just bam I was wide awake and interested in stuff

Plus I had food

Now sometimes if I have food then it makes me kind of sleepy

But if it's late at night and I have food then it wakes me up

Is that just me

Am I just really freaky I don't know

I love you very much sweetheart

I'm going to bed pretty soon

I'm afraid I can't be more specific than that

But pretty soon

haven't gone to bed yet
got a second wind
tarot stuff
having a mad craving for fruit
ate the last of the easy fruit yesterday
didn't want to cut into the pineapple
remembered tomatoes are fruit
eating grape tomatoes now

i love you

i'm having a hard time staying awake

i love you
i hope you're doing good
i may have to go to bed soon

i'm having hormonal stuff
it's not like bad
but it is noticeable

i'm up
kinda groggy, though

I hope you're doing okay

I'm going to take a nap

I want to listen to press briefing so I want to try to get up for that

I love you very much 💕

edited so it's readable

Okay

So this next reading that I did the book didn't come with any tarot layouts and I'm not all about tarot layouts anyway but for some reason I wanted one and so this is I don't remember what it was called but it's got five cards

And it's laid out in you know four with one at the bottom
card one is what is my soul personality

Card 2 is directly across from that what is my soul's purpose

then three is underneath one advice for soul development

four is across from three and underneath two advice for progress

And then five is at the bottom underneath the space between the columns and it's am I fulfilling my soul's purpose

Okay so card one what is my soul's personality
I got dreamer of coral which would be the same as page of cups

She can feel when the waterfall is cut off and knows they have diverted its course for electricity. She plays with white seals in that intimacy of islands connected to open sea. She brings the cheetah's habitat back to life, here's him making requests in the cup of her being.

Okay so card two what is my soul's purpose

I got seven of wings

Which you may remember was the first card I got in you know can you give me advice on what to do to support myself without getting a job

Which I thought was an interesting really interesting quote coincidence end quote

Seven of wings

Would be seven of swords

They call him tricky, Mercury is always so, leading you through endless maddening play. The mind is so. Can you juggle with it and watch your back simultaneously? You are weaving your own wings how will you use them?

Okay advice for sole development I got death

which doesn't actually mean death but was still like a laugh out loud experience for me but this definition of death and really this card of death is really kind of amazing

Death

What you know turns inside out--You may not recognize this new place but it has great value. The pollen of a trillion flowers makes and unmakes you, this the honeycomb of your bright existence. keep your wits about you as you harvest metamorphosis.

Okay so then for advice for progress I got eight of spirals which is funny because eight of spirals is eight of pentacles which in rider waite is like development through hard work it's tied in with masonry and journeymanship and all that kind of stuff but it's specifically like the hard work card

Which was like kind of another laughing out loud moment

Eight of spirals

Eight of pentacles eight of disks state of stones

Apprenticing infinity in the here and now. The love that I feel for you is always love for you. Make the diamond body.

And then the last card which is am I fulfilling my soul's purpose I got the moon which coincidentally is one of the cards that I got and the answer to what kind of work are we going to do together basically with the deck so I thought that was an interesting coincidence as well

Moon

She may open a vein of longing to last for generations or take you back further than the usual couple thousand years; a bridge to a much older time. You feel it in the dreaming, all those voices. We're in that boat again. A man demonstrates an elemental feat, makes striking sounds instead of words, becomes the night. Mesmerized, you ride the swell of magnified feeling, Dionysian, electric.  Our captain docks with her eyes closed as she considers those teachers that work with the Other side. She senses land mass changes through the ages, sees that piece of curve and strait while deep within she hears: the sea the sea the sea. How many turnings of pattern and labyrinth can you float in at once?

Bamm

What does what the f*** does that all mean?

Well I mean on the one hand you could say it's just a bunch of hooey

But on the other hand I feel like that has given me a more me answer than anything else I've ever read

I mean I don't have to read the book I could just look at things and you know more or less get the answers but the book is pretty short and clear and well okay clear might be an exaggeration but it's poetry basically it's all metaphors but really cool and I feel like that this was exactly what I wanted and hopefully it's exactly what I needed

But if what I wanted was some sort of clear straightforward you know answery answer then I shouldn't have gone to Tarot for it anyway You know what I'm saying

And it's raining now so cool

edited to be readable

I got a new tarot deck

Which you might have seen coming

But I have tended to get them at big pivotal times in my life when it just seems like the ones I had before weren't quite cutting it

And that's an oversimplification on both counts

because sometimes I've bought tarot decks just because I was you know taking a class or saw something I really liked but the ones that have become decks that I read with for myself with the exception of that period of time when I was taking the tarot class and generally involved with going to the metaphysical bookstore on a regular basis I did buy more during that period of time although that was a fairly pivotal time generally

But these ones that I have and I've been talking about are important decks for me

and so it's an oversimplification because I haven't really only bought decks when I'm at a pivotal point but the decks that become the important decks are the ones that I buy at pivotal points so that's one oversimplification

and of course the other oversimplification is that I don't have to have a new deck now The ones that I have aren't not cutting it they're fine and I'm getting information out of them just fine but I feel like I need a new deck

And so I bought this one on Etsy and it came pretty fast and I just got it this evening

The pholarchos tarot

And I can already tell that it's going to be a really good companion deck

But I'm going to have to learn is--  more cards isn't better

But I did three readings

The first one I did was to ask the Tarot for instructions not exactly instructions but like asking the tarot deck--  what is our relationship going to be like
and it said eight justice eighteen moon three of spirals three of sparks

And it won't really go into all of that specifically but just know that it's very consistent with what it is that I want to get from the relationship with this deck so that was great

And then I ask it another question but I pulled way too many cards to ask it what could it tell me about building a life where I could support myself without a job
and I won't go into all the cards but like the first card that was the most important and the last card that was summing up

Was seven of wings and seven of spirals

Now seven of spirals is seven of discs is seven of stones and I have this kind of philosophy where it's like all the different cards and their meanings in different decks all of those sevens are like resonant

So even though you have one meaning that you'll get from a particular deck all those other decks are somehow vibrating at the same time they're also part of that answer

and there was a deck that I had and I may still have it somewhere I may find it I bought it back in the '90s it's called the greenwood tarot

And when it went out of print and they were going to reissue it the artist had become a born-again Christian and she wouldn't allow them to reuse her artwork because she didn't want to be associated with metaphysical stuff or that's how the story went so it's become this crazy grail deck that people look for and it's based on Celtic shamanism and the art work is amazing and visionary but it uses a variety of styles

And it's not a regular deck it's not a rider waite based deck it's not a thoth based deck it's like really its own thing the meaning of cards are changed around

And that's not bad but it just made it really hard for me to read because I have a very hard time doing intuitive readings I have to really push myself and this was back in the '90s it was a long time ago I for sure couldn't do intuitive readings then or well I could have but I didn't

so I never used it that much I just would take it out and look at it and think how beautiful it was and be inspired by the cards but it bothered me that they were in differing styles

Which is kind of funny because this deck is even more so but in this deck it seems to make sense and in that deck it didn't make any kind of sense to me

Okay there's a lot of background

But this seven of discs thing has been coming up, right
in readings but then when I looked into it a little bit more I realized that in the gaian tarot
the seven of discs was one of the cards that represented me

So I went and looked online to find out what the seven of discs was
well no that's not even what I did
I went online to look at the greenwood tarot
and in the course of looking at it
I found this one card that was one of my very favorite cards
and that card was seven of stones which is the same and it's this beautiful card with this deer headed shaman who is healing someone in like soul retrieval and they've got a line out from their body astrally projecting themselves and it's done in this kind of woodcut style and it's amazing
it's amazing
and I looked that I don't think that was my favorite card at the time
but that is my favorite card now
but I looked and found that as being my favorite card
and then I looked to see which card it was
and it was seven of discs
which in that deck is called Healing

So that was kind of amazing

And in this deck one of the lessons that are pieces of advice that it gave me was seven of spirals which is the same thing as seven discs and seven of stones

In rider waite seven of pentacles it's usually keyworded as assessment
it's a person who's gone to check a tree with pentacles on it seven pentacles like to look and see if the fruit is ripe yet or something

And this deck is not a rider waite deck it's not a thoth deck it's sort of a sacred geometry deck sort of but that's kind of an oversimplification

But the idea is that within the suits you know you kind of start with an idea and then it kind of develops and develops and develops until it gets to 9 and at 9 it has like a portal that moves through to 10 which is like the idea completed and needing to move on to the next part of the cycle if that makes sense that might be too sketchy I don't know so the whole thing is more of a magical journey

Which is of course what Tarot is anyway and there are elements of this numerical sacred geometry magical numbers are in both rider waite and in thoth but

But I'm just going to read you those meanings

Seven of wings

Is 7 of swords is 7 of air

They call him tricky, Mercury is always so, leading you through endless maddening play. The mind is so, can you juggle with it and watch your back simultaneously? You are weaving your own wings how will you use them?

7 of spirals

Is seven of pentacles discs stones

Take time to listen

Take stock

Make friends with toad camouflaged on mossy Stone he will flatten his belly as he share secrets with you about water and earthquakes and the night

I'm going to go ahead and publish that one and I'm sorry in advance for how many words it got wrong I'll have to go back and edit it for it to make complete sense but I want to do the last reading that I did as a separate entry

You sound so good!

I'm going to take what I'm planning to be a nap

I love you

💋

7:19

i feel pretty good today

i love you

ok
i've been up for more than 24 hours
i guess i should go to sleep, huh

Okay that wasn't a nap

I couldn't sleep so I took some melatonin and I react very strongly to melatonin so I just took a teeny tiny bit like the capsule is 5 mg I open it up and poured less than half of that on my tongue cuz 5 mg is like you know a lot for me it's more of an emergency situation like desperate can't sleep type thing

But I don't know when that was but I think it was like 12 hours ago and I woke up I set my alarm for like a couple hours after so maybe it was 2:00 when I went to I don't know I don't know what time it was I'm still kind of disoriented

But I set an alarm and when the alarm went off I got up to pee and I was like two dizzy and groggy to even go make myself something to eat so I just went back to bed

So I'm kind of hungry now

And I guess it's Saturday is that right

But like Friday night Saturday morning

I hope you're doing okay

I think it's interesting

How this day night thing for me doesn't seem to ever stabilize it just seems to be completely free floating

Anyway I sort of feel like I should get up now

maybe it would make more sense to go back to sleep and get up in the morning I don't know

But I had a lot of sleep I feel pretty awake now I think still feel a little fuzzy

I could go lay back down and see if I fall back asleep

but I am kind of hungry so I think I'm probably going to get up

The cat was super happy to be sleeping on me

He doesn't like to sleep on me during the day

He's got a schedule to keep He's got to look out the window He's got to do whatever he's got to do I don't know but he doesn't like to sleep with me for more than 10 minutes or so in the day and sometimes he'll do that multiple times but at night he will just sleep on me for long periods of time so I don't know when he got on me

But he seemed hunkered in for the long haul

Well at this point I guess it's a nap I'm taking

i'm awake
i'm watching msnbc
i life chris hayes
and
rachael maddow

masks are still controversial
apparently

Very tired

But having trouble sleeping

Going to try for a little while longer though

I'm going to bed

I love you very much

3 nite chat: 7:16

so
this morning
i did a tarot draw
what is my message from the universe
and by morning
i mean
before i went to sleep
at like eleven thirty am 7/15

terminology gets fuzzy

and the cards i drew
nine of cups
and
the magician
and
my response to that was awwww
you are so sweet
because
whereas sometimes
i look at cards and think, huh?
that just seemed so clear

like
your every wish will come true
you got the magic, baby

but
maybe
it could have meant something else
sometimes you are the magician
and the nine of cups is the wish card
so it could be about us

i just did it again
and i got the magician again
but the two of swords was the other card
and i never quite know what two of swords means
it just never sticks

2 nite chat: 7:16

it's been almost four months
and
i feel like i may have been
like three different people in that time
i left the house today
it is always weird now
when i leave the house

there was a time
when i thought
maybe i couldn't live where there was nothing to do
i think we have effectively debunked that
i mean
i haven't gone for a walk, even
since the last time i talked about doing that
that was march
or
maybe early april
i've been to the grocery store a few times
but
that is so close
it almost doesn't feel like leaving the house
i have now dipped below the quarter mark
on the first quarter of a tank of gasoline
in four months

i normally use about a tank of gas a month
which still isn't very much
i drive
when i don't go on the road
not more than three thousand miles a year
and that's been pretty consistent
except
when i got this car
like about seven years ago
i drove about a thousand miles the first month

you were talking about liking to buy things in person
i have bought things in person
but
not much
like clothes, for example
a lot of people think they can't but clothes
without trying them on
i don't think i've actually tried clothes on
for maybe five years
i took rough measurements
and i know chest needs to be at least x
and low hip needs to be at least y
and i know (basically) what looks good on me
and it can be sent back if it doesn't
i much prefer shopping that way
i have always hated to have to get undressed
and dressed and undressed and dressed
in dressing rooms especially
unless
it is a very fancy place
sometimes then it's fun

now
food delivery
either imperfect produce
or restaurant delivery
would be something i'd miss

but
depending on my circumstances
it might not be that big of a deal

as long as i've got mail delivery
and internet
i can probably get by
oh
and money
probably still need that

1 nite chat: 7:16

so
i couple of days ago
my mom was reminding me to do my taxes
and
for some reason this pisses me off
i used to think
well, she's just looking for an excuse to call me
and it still pissed me off
because i've been doing my taxes
for over thirty years
i probably am competent to remember to do them
i probably don't need my mommy to remind me
ya know
one time she called me on my cell phone
when i was in a district meeting at starbucks
and i took the call
because i thought it must be an emergency
but
it's not like she usually reminds me
it's just random
but
still
i thought it was an excuse to call me

well
we've been checking in every day
during this whole quarantine
and she reminded me anyway
which only mildly pissed me off

the first time

but then she did it again
and i'm like
hot
because god damn

but then
i went to do them
and
i knew where all my shit was
it's right here with this important stack of papers
right here by my computer

well, no, it wasn't

i couldn't find the fuckers
i had to find old pay stubs
to figure the amount to file the extension
which i did
but then
i was all like
the fuck

am i gonna have to go crawling in to work
hope dennis is still there
get him to help me with the portal
i know i had it
it's got to be here somewhere
but i have no idea where
if it wasn't where i knew it was
so
i go looking just now
totally unrelatedly
for my chain from austin
and i have some jewelry in my bra drawer
and i thought that's where it was
and it was
you know what else was in there
my W2

why is it in my bra drawer
when did i put it in my bra drawer
i have no idea
and no recollection

i think i need more drawers
apparently i want to put everything in drawers

I haven't watched that one thing yet

I've been watching the news

I started with Don lemon

Now I'm watching Chris Cuomo

It's possible that I watch some Anderson Cooper in there too but I don't think so I think he's on next

And I'm wondering

how much news do you think it's healthy to watch in a day

I'm eating pancakes

And having coffee

I am going to watch it

I just didn't want to be distracted

I hope you are doing okay

My headache is a lot better

I love you

Today is a bad headache day

I got up but I decided horizontal was better so I'm lying in the bed in the dark

I dreame d I was living in this really nice high-rise type situation

And I was married to a woman

And I'm not sure exactly what she did for a living

But one of our friends came over

And she was a comedian

And she's like I'm going to use the n word in my act

Then I was like no I think that's a really bad idea

I think under no circumstances should you do that

Is she was like maybe late 30s

And Asia not black

So I mean no way she could be incredibly using that word

So we went and we're sitting at the table like the dining table

And my wife just sounds weird

Husband also sounds weird

My life partner

She was sitting there working on some stuff

And I'm not sure how old she was

She's really beautiful

And I'm guessing she was about my same age

but I might have been a little younger in the dream

But you know not young maybe mid to late forties

And I don't know who she looked like I'm sure she looked like somebody

Everybody looks like somebody

She just kind of exuded this power

I'm still trying to figure out who she looked like

She's a somewhat light skinned black woman

With hair that was falling in sort of loose waves to her shoulders that didn't look processed in any way but I suspect that it was

And that was the general vibe of her was that she was just exactly how she wanted to look

Not trying to be anything for anybody

Not glamorous

Not masculine

Just really sophisticated and powerful

And our friend the comedian

Sat down at the table and she was all like excited

And I said you're not going to like this

And she said no I could tell I'm not

And she said I'm going to use the n word in my act

And she said okay I'm going to produce your act but you are under no circumstances going to use the n word

almost like the comedian had said that because she knew that was what would get her to produce the act and she knew that she knew that

And it was some kind of little game that they were playing

and I don't know if that was what was really happening or if that's just my interpretation of it

But I think the comedian had just been trying to kind of

I don't know maybe they were both just trying to get a rise out of me

And then I had another one where I had the covid

I love you

I'm gonna sleep for a while

I love you

I'm sorry I maybe haven't been

so talkative

I'm gonna take a bath now

I'm trying not to be stressed

how did we get here? 7:14

When people asked me back in January--  or maybe early February--  what I said was:  well, you know, every couple of years there's something that's going to kill us all and yet we are still here.  That was my initial response.

Then, pretty early in February, the information started coming out of Milan.  At that point, I re-assessed.  Clearly this wasn't a false alarm.  By mid March I had a completely stocked larder and cashed in investments.  I thought I would spend several months in my apartment.  I thought the government would get caught up.  I thought they would set up track and trace.  I thought they would stage re-opening.

Now.  The United States of America is living a--  the best metaphor I've heard is dumpster fire.

Not going back to school is killing people?  The kids must go back to school.  But what is the plan?  The individual districts and cities should use the available examples for what to do, but they must go back to school or we will withhold funding.

There's still no contact tracing, at least here, and even if there were, I think the numbers are too large and the lag time on testing are too great for that to be effective.

I'm sitting in the city with the largest medical center in the world.  They're at full capacity and into overflow.  The refrigerated truck.  It's refrigerated truck time.  Did New York not happen?  Did Milan not happen?  Was there really no plan?

I don't understand how the governor and lt. governor have not been bodily pulled through the crust of the earth into the burning hell that they deserve for sucking the tangerine messiah's winky little pud.

I'm too mad to continue.  This didn't have to be this bad. 

I had one of those dreams that has a freeway in it but there wasn't any car

It was like a walking freeway somehow

And I ran into somebody I knew

Not somebody I know in real life

Somebody I knew in the dream

And I didn't have a mask

And I was worried about not having the mask

For two reasons

One was that he was sick

But the sickness that he had

Was an immunocompromised disease

So I was worried about the mask because I didn't want to get him sick

I don't think I was sick

But I don't think I was sure

But then I was also kind of afraid I was going to get whatever it was that he had

So it was really awkward

I'm like trying to cover my face

I feel like there was more than that

There was some kind of migration

I don't know whether it was like great depression migration

Or if something else was going on

I don't think it was like street protest

Anyway my dreams are kind of not relaxing

I'm trying to spend extra time thinking happy thoughts before I go to bed but maybe it isn't working

I hope everything is good with you

oh and that list from this morning I didn't like an exhaustive list that's like my favorites

7:14

i've had a very weird day
i dreamed that i was sick
and there was a hurricane coming
i was working to get ready for it
with
amanda
who i just worked with
and a guy whose name i don't really remember
steve something i think
i worked with him at the bookstop
there were a bunch of steves
he might not have been steve
anyway
i liked him
but then i didn't so much
and i can't remember the exact circumstances
for the change
but i haven't thought of him in a while

i have the same sort of
like but not like action going on with amanda

it wasn't a good dream
i thought i had covid

but then
i was in dallas
at least it was supposed to be dallas
i can't say i really recognized it
and i was living with
an asian woman i barely knew
and her kid
son, i think
and
i really really liked her
she was so nice to me
even though she didn't really know me
and i don't think i was sick in this dream
but
there was something going on
i needed to be doing something
or i was on vacation
but it was dallas
idk
but she kept cooking really interesting food
and i couldn't quite go do
whatever it was i was supposed to do

and then
i did masks
and watched the news for a long time
and made a really good salad
with radishes
which i've never done before
and i made a salad dressing
with limes
and garlic
and olive oil
which was also new
and avocado
which isn't new

and
i think i worried about things

the dreams were underscoring the news

and
the i decided to bust out the granactive retinoid
which i have a bottle of
i opened last night
and
i decided that i used to use it every day
so i should use it again tonight
and then
i thought
i really should have a snail cream
but i don't
and then i looked up snail creams
and picked my face
and put on more retinoid
every time i scraped it off

so
i'm generally over-stimulated
but
kinda zoned out at the same time
so
i haven't had anything to say, really

i like mississippi john hurt
and
solstice garden
and
palmadillo 2
and
between memory and dream
and
sally's cruise
and
orange bowl

not necessarily in that order

i have not been productive or good
i have just been sort of lost
not exactly in thought
but not
like
just lost

but
not one of my better days
i didn't sink into depression
but
i didn't maintain the happy happy vortex

but
i've been at it for 15 hours
and that doesn't seem possible

might sleep some soon
not sure
i love you very much sweetheart

7:13

i couldn't make myself go through things
and
i was looking at twitter
and they asked one of those questions
that is so typical of twitter
in an enjoyable way
what was your favorite movie
the year you turned 18
well
i mean
i couldn't remember
so i looked up 1985 movies in imdb
and omg, so so many movies there were over 3000 of them
and they were ranked
but after about 700
i wasn't recognizing them at all
so i didn't look any more than that
but still
there were a lot of popular movies
that wouldn't make the list
like
back to the future, which i saw
and goonies, which i did not
but
there were a bunch that i just wasn't sure
which was my favorite

Brazil
Agnes of God
Kiss of the Spider Woman
Room with a View
Lost in America
After Hours
Desert Hearts
My Beautiful Laundrette
Trouble in Mind
Fool for Love
A Chorus Line
The Color Purple
Desperately Seeking Susan
Better Off Dead 

and then some that i wouldn't list as
like my favorite
but
i enjoyed quite a bit

Just One of the Guys
Fletch
Jewel of the Nile
White Nights
Volunteers
Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure

but there was one that i haven't mentioned yet
and i thought, oh i remember seeing that one
and i still see a scene from that
most of the time when i go to the gas station
but that wasn't even a very important scene
maybe
but
i thought
you know
i rarely think about any of those other films
so
i watched it again
except i think it had some scenes cut out
but
i watched it
and
maybe this is my favorite film
from the year i turned 18

Bliss   (an Australian film)

i'm not sure i would have told you that
if you'd asked me that that year

i saw a lot of movies that year
it was the year after i graduated from high school
i have reason to believe
you graduated from college in 1981
and
independently
that you graduated from high school in 1977
so
i'm going to assume you turned 18 in 1977
and it is super easy to tell you my favorite film from that year
because i don't seem to have seen many films that year

annie hall

although
full disclosure
i'm not sure i saw it that year
it might have been a couple years later at
but
let's say that's my final answer anyway
because otherwise
we're down to
star wars
close encounters
the spy who loved me
oh god
smokey and the bandit
territory
and we don't want that
but i know isaw those movies
not
saturday night fever
i didn't get to see that
or
the goodbye girl
though i did see it later

i know by the time i was 26
i was watching a lot of films
but
i don't think most of them were theatrical releases
but
i'm not sure, let me look

ok 1993
the film i wanted to be my favorite was

even cowgirls get the blues

because i had read the book
but sadly it was not
i also saw

groundhog day
nightmare before xmas
benny and joon

in the theater
and

true romance
music of chance 

on video
i was working in a video store
in 1993 so i saw a lot more than that
but those were from that year
and notable as ones i liked

if i have to pick a favorite
i might need to watch benny and joon
and true romance
again
but
let's cheat and say
both of them
one in theater and one on video

this took a lot of time
but
it was kinda fun
and
i wonder
what your films are

I'm going to sleep for a little while

I love you very much

7:12

it's my paw paw's birthday today
i'm sad i'm not an indian
i wish jason had never mentioned family trees
so
anyway
i looked at it again
at his mother
and
her earliest person on the chart
is
jacob abraham kuhn
1807-1884
so
i thought maybe
i could find something exciting
maybe
but
i could not
he would be my great great great grandfather
i think
anyway
i like his name

i got tired and slept for a while

ok
here's the latest law of attraction fun
i decided i wanted bee pollen
not pine pollen or anything like that
just straight up bee pollen
to eat on vegan yogurt

i was looking around on etsy
and i wanted
bee pollen from hawaii

but i didn't see anything
and then i realized
i had already found a family
in ohio
that i had saved because they had honey
really good looking honey

anyway
they had pollen too
and i had already vetted them
so
i just ordered it from them

and i was really expecting it to come yesterday
but it didn't, and i'm gonna tell you why

i was checking the tracking
after they shipped it
and
do you know where that pollen went
from ohio
to honolulu

i was like wtf
and i sent them a message
did you maybe get the labels swapped
maybe this wasn't my pollen, in other words
no they were sure it was the right package

and
sure enough
it's on it's way back to the mainland
but it occurred to me
today

it will technically be
pollen from hawaii
not what i meant
but
exactly what i said

how often have you ordered something in the mail
that only had to come
thirteen hundred ish miles
forty five hundred miles out of it's way
and back

old shit I wrote and thought I should save

Okay there's some notes I want to make from this notebook before I throw it away cuz it's mostly like work notes and s*** but I wrote a few things in there

The plan

Quit Starbucks

Do something else

Be happy and productive

Stay lucid

Don't get bogged down in negativity

Maintain self-esteem

Take calculated risks

No your limits but only the real ones not the fear-induced ones

What makes me happy

Teaching

Talking

Analyzing

Making things better prettier more complete

Creating something out of nothing

Solving the riddle of people or situations

Being the one others come to

The smell of the ocean

Awareness of beauty

Poignancy

Double entenders

Denoument

Shopping

New places

Textures

Early mornings

Dusk

Letters

Good Cinema

Good books

Good conversation

Colors

Ideas

Cultural analysis

Meeting goals

Figuring out ways around rules

Structure not too rigid

Subversiveness

Consensus

Being boss

Not having to make all the decisions

Kissing

Tenderness

Passion

and that seems to have been all I wrote on that list but that's quite a list

Okay this is some in that same book a few pages later

You know sometimes it tells you something about yourself The people you gather around you The people I've hired to work for me are so dear to me that I almost don't want to quit this soul stripping job but they are as well as being smart hard-working and caring a broken group of expatriates from self-esteem

Okay and a little bit later

I didn't die at 27 I'm still alive 5 years later and I'm somewhat more sane and somewhat more confident but perhaps no more channeled

I feel directionless a single point through which could be drawn with no second point to connect to

if I have a talent for something then exercising it would be a good idea before I lose the muscles to flex it

I frighten myself

it's as though I'm putting my life back together after a divorce or drug addiction I'm just a slow starter on the first one

If it's fear of failure then surely I understand that I'm failing now but I play it safe by not risking I live a lowest common denominator life

I read this and I thought it was funny 11-year-old kid I saw on The tonight show 6/22/99 I want to date in 8 years his name is Alex b Land

I just googled him I don't know if I got the name wrong or if he just isn't in Google but I thought that was hysterically funny I have no recollection of what that was about at all

Here's another one this says story idea too but I'm positive all of this stuff is accurate

my father used to tell me when he died he wanted to be put in a hefty bag taken out in an empty lot and blown up

Paw paw Said he wanted a Viking funeral

Grand Gran wanted to be cremated and have her ashes scattered all the places in the world she wanted to go but never could

My mother wanted to be cremated because it's obscene how expensive it is to bury someone

my aunt Joan didn't ever say except that it would be our problem to deal with

This is an old notebook and it's mostly crap but it has this in it and I'm going to read it to you

I'm sitting waiting for my father to call it's my birthday and he always calls and leaves a message why aren't you sitting home waiting for me I haven't talked to him in over a year and even his boys haven't heard from him for over 6 months The last time I talked to him it was 2:00 a.m. on July 4th he said he was in a small town in Nevada and his car had broken down and could I wire him $200 I was unemployed and had exactly $200 to my name I told him I couldn't wire it to him and why didn't he call Jason he got extremely angry I told him I really couldn't spare the money but that I was very worried about him and would he please call me and let me know he was okay after he got the money from Jason he said he didn't think Jenny would let him give it he hung up on me and he has never called me but he always calls me on my birthday.

Now it says story idea at the top of the page but I think all of that is true except I don't remember that he always called me on my birthday so maybe that was an artistic license but that does sound like something he would do call and leave a message and say why aren't you sitting at home waiting for me on your birthday I also have his boys in quotes

i've had a very hard time
with the reading
or
the listening
but
i'm gonna try again

sharks in the time of saviors

7:11

well
my sign for today
was literally a sign
plus six yellow flowers pictures
which i took to mean
if you're serious about the yellow flower place
you need to start getting rid of the extra stuff
so
after a lot of news
i have started that
i have issues with stuff
so
it's not my favorite past time
also
i'm not sure if people are still taking donations
and
i need to look into various avenues for selling stuff
but
in case you wonder what i'm doing
i'm going through stuff

i am not feeling too tired
so i may just continue

i love you very much sweetheart

7:10

the roof work
was apparently right above my head
i woke up when they started
and said
i've got to remember to tell him that dream
but
i apparently wasn't awake enough to dictate it
and then, of course, i forgot it

i went back to sleep
i tried to get the cat to sleep with me
i told him i'd protect him
he hates loud noises

but
he said
i didn't seem concerned about the noises
and he was taking that to mean that i was too stupid to protect him

i went back to sleep
he hid under the bed
i woke up later
and
i felt
something
i'm not sure
not sad, exactly
but a sense of longing

i massaged the back of my head
and my shoulder sockets
and my low back

and just kinda ran it over the south generally
not specifically
it is not that kind of device
but
i got a little resonance
so
i'm tuned
like a fork
but
not
a spoon

anyway
i worked on that one thing
all night
so
i hope
you like it

i'm going to bed soon

i love you very much indeed

Okay I'm going to sleep for a little while

I love you very much indeed

They put a note on the door the other day that they were going to be working on the roof starting yesterday but of course it's a big complex so who knows which part of the roof they're going to be working on when

They're replacing all the shingling

So not not like the roof structures just the roots like when you get a new roof on your house

So today they're working on my roof

And I guess they started about 8:00 or 9:00 and they're still working on it I don't know if they're going to go till dark or what but they didn't stop at 5:00

And I absolutely had no trouble sleeping through that at all

I mean it woke me up sure then I identified where the sound was coming from and said oh yeah okay that's fine and just went right back to sleep

And I've been up I don't know a little while

But it's so funny my poor cat He's been under the bed most the day I tried to convince him that he could come up and sleep on me and I would protect him

But he did not believe me

I think my lack of concern about it was not reassuring to him he just thought I was stupid

So I don't know I thought that was really funny for some reason

I dreamed something about school

But it wasn't anything bad

I just don't remember what it was

but I remember having like a loose moment awareness in the dream saying oh wow I'm having a school dream and it's not anything about a test I haven't studied for or a final for a class I haven't gone to all semester or anything like that

I wish I could remember what it was though

I had such a great night

I don't know

Maybe I could learn to make music

it doesn't look that hard but they're doing on the computer but I have absolutely no experience with it

and I don't mean oh it doesn't look that hard they don't have any talent I could do that that isn't what I mean

Obviously those people are really great musicians

I just mean the software doesn't look insurmountable

And I understand the concepts

Can I play the piano a little bit

Just not well

I don't know I might want to try it

I forgot

But I had this dream

Somebody was telling me

You think you can sing but you can't

I was kind of like okay whatever

Because it's not like I'm claiming to be some great singer so why is this person going out of their way to tell me I can't sing

but I think it was because I was singing in the dream

Which honestly I can't recall ever doing before

So I don't know if that's significant or not

but it was more interesting than working in a coffee shop

And I think I've stopped having those dreams

I think it would be really fun

To collect natural sounds

And manipulate them into pieces of music

With synthesizers

I'm going to sleep for a little while

I love you very much