i'm sick again

it seems like i've been sick a lot this year

my back feels ok though
so i'm ahead of last year
this next week is new year, so it might be a little rough
and then the next week is promo change, so overnights

i took yesterday off and slept all day
today i'm just taking it a little easy

i hope everything is ok with you
sometimes
sometimes i worry
i don't know if i should

i had a reaction, rather my eyes did
i was trying out a new powder  --  circa 1935
i wore it on xmas and it didn't seem to give me any problem
i wanted to test it first
because it contains fragrance
and i thought it might be a problem
but i couldn't resist the vintage-ness

now
maybe this was the sickness
or maybe it was the powder
but my eyes started making mucus, seriously
it was blurring my vision
and
my eyelids swelled up
it wasn't a good look for me

but
i washed 90% of my makeup off in the back room sink
with just warm water and scratchy paper towels
and that, to me, is the sign of good makeup
it washes off easily

i don't really like powder
but you need it to set the makeup, right
it looks good at first
but then it doesn't

and i was trying a buffing technique
so i might have ground it into my eyes, just a little


anyway
i'm thinking about you
in that way that i think about you when i'm sick
my birthday's coming up
and i'm a little bit afraid
to be honest

day in the life -- yesterday

i was going to go in early
but i didn't get there early
i tweaked my back a little the day before
[but i was so proud
i cleared out the hall in a couple hours to make room for the new
so i must have cleared about a hundred cases, literally]
so i took a longer shower
and then
there's my telescoping morning routine....

and i was nervous
because the police told the big box next door that they should expect protesters

and, as a consequence of that, the district manager was going to be there
he's kind of a jackass

anyway
i got in there
i put stuff out
i moved stuff around
i got the tasting ready
and every time they called for register back up
rather than go
i just told myself how much money we'd lose
if i
didn't get to do what i was doing

suck it
somebody else has to go

my complete fixation with that one thing has worked like a charm
i haven't been dreaming that i'm working
so i'm not getting as exhausted

i have a pretty steep learning curve
so i think i'm getting the hang of it
and
i like it
i think i look good

my skin looks better too, i think
[not today though
it's happy happy blood time
and i have some small blemishes
but, hey
not a bunch of huge cystic stuff on my chin]

but i'm not sure whether that's because i've finally figured out my, let's face it, middle aged skin
or whether my hormones were just more mellow this month
i didn't seem to have any sort of pre-menstrual amped up emotion

at this time of year
that seems like some sort of miracle

anyway
by the time i left
i had sold about 1100 units
so
it pretty much looked like shit
i stayed about an hour late
i put more stuff out
but then
i thanked my helper in advance for all the work i knew she was gonna do
and i left


i have three helpers
none of them work with me much
but i need them
i have no authority over them
none at all
so they do what i say because they want to help me, pretty much

one of them is gone now
she and her husband are moving to new jersey
he got a better job and whatever

i had two seasonal hires in mind for that slot after the holidays

but
she already picked her successor
which tickled me no end
i'm picky
i'm difficult to work for, apparently

the people i'm looking at are outgoing, knowledgeable about the wine already
smart, attractive, cream of the crop type people

they're unlikely to stay
and, perhaps, unlikely to thrive on my weirdness

the one she picked for me
she doesn't drink, she's a little attitudy, she makes me uncomfortable
because she's slightly socially maladaptive, and kinda nerdy
she's married to a guy with aspbergers
clearly
she can handle me

it made me love farm girl all that much more that she totally set that up
i kind of have to accept it as a fait acomplis


anyway
after i got off work
i had to go wander around to decompress

and i just really realized that my grocery store has more drugstore cosmetics
than the drugstore i go to
and
they have coupons
so
i wandered up and down the aisles for
[i'm not sure]
an hour and a half
maybe two

i got a back up of my favorite shadow
maybelline expert wear earthly taupe
and then i spent forever deciding what to get with it
[the deal was buy two items get three dollars off]
but, seriously
every lipstick seemed to have been opened
so i ended up getting another shadow night sky

with coupon
final price per eyeshadow one-o-seven, score
i thought the three dollars i'd managed to get for the others was good

then too
i have decided that what i need
is this urban decay shade i used to have
called polyester bride
no no, i say to myself, that's a glitter bomb and you're an "older" woman now
it will not look good
plus inappropriate
but i couldn't help myself
well, they don't make it anymore
so, there's that

but
milani makes a baked shadow called lily white
dollar off coupon = four dollars-ish

after i checked out
i ran to the car
[ok, i didn't really run]
put it on with my fingers
visor mirror

transformed

i put it on the inside corners
and really inside third of my lid
[cause i saw somebody do that and it made their eyes wide, doe-eyed
and that's always been what i want uma thurman eyes]
i also put it as a brow bone highlight
and
suddenly
the asian quality of my eye was accentuated
they didn't look bigger
but
they were beautiful

so now i have that to figure out
how not to overdo that



anyway
there was more
but this feels like the place to stop with this
the small interactions which i enjoyed
with random people
in the grocery store
and my musings on nail polish names hot mess and unicorn
feels like --  too much

after that i went home
cooked fish sandwiches
no french fries or chips or anything
on these crazy little yeast rolls  --  so more like sliders, really
with a jillion pickle chips


this might be the best holiday season i've had
--  so far  --
as an adult

i'm tired and busy

and i want to be talking to you more

i'm sorry about that

not like
i apologize
like
i'm sorry
for me as much as for how it might make you feel

i like to talk to you
and
there is more to the marta story
that was just thew intro
we didn't even get to the dark yet
we were just establishing her as, like, a seer

the flashes
in my head
of the contained jungle
and
the questions i'm trying to answer
about what catalyst
[drug, no drug, whatever]
to incite the visions
maybe
since i haven't taken any of those drugs
it would be better not to pretend to know anything about them



if you can
i would really be happy
if you could visit me in dreamland
i miss the crazy cosmic physical not physical stuff

it's harder to feel you when i don't get high
and i haven't
not for months and months

my subconscious mind has alerted me

we have made a decision
about where we are going
with the story
I had an almost ache to write
my conscious has now taken over
and I expect
you'll see one or maybe two
clementine rodrigo letters this week

I love you

look the tarot is going all crazy on me

i don't know if i upset you somehow
i certainly didn't think i even really said anything
i was just trying to make
something clearer
that was not really even important

but
if you think
i said something bad
then
just wash that thought out of your mind

then again
this month
i seem to be experiencing a little paranoia
as my over heightened emotion

maybe the cards were just showing that back to me

now they are showing me
9 of cups, and
9 of cups, and
wheel of fortune, and
page of wands, and
page of discs

so
idk
maybe you're fine

ok, i didn't just go make coffee

i decided
i would make a vegetable [really mushroom] stew for dinner
i'm using ghee for the oil
that's the first time i'm doing that
i'm very excited
and so far
it tastes good

but
i had a dream last night
and it's distracting me
so
maybe i should tell you about it

i was at a garden party
i guess you'd call it
it was outside, anyway
it was kind of an arbor-y area
with vines draping overhead, very pretty
i was telling the hostess
what a good job she had done
and we were in some social group
the same group
which is why i was at this party
because
the hostess was
debbie heather
who i have been not thinking about
so it worries me that she's popping back up in my dreams
but
i am sick
and we were being friendly
so maybe this is not a bad sign

so, anyway
i'm walking around
and the weather is beautiful
but it has been raining for days prior
and when i find my party
[none of whom look familiar to me
but who are supposed to be my family]
they are all sitting on pallets, on the ground, butts wet

why did they sit down there
because those were their assigned seats

yeah, but why did they sit down there, rather than complaining straightaway
no answer
but they are affronted
and it is my job to somehow make this right

so
i go inside
i'm looking for outdoor chairs
then the woman from my family
who i'm supposed to know is my mother
but, now that i'm really looking at her, looks more like robert's mother
remember robert?
anyway
she just starts pulling whatever furniture out the door
stop that, i yell angrily
that'll get completely ruined if you take it outside

i don't care she screams back
she didn't care if our stuff got ruined

but i'm better than that, i scream, really angry now
and if you want to associate with me
then you have to be better than that too
i'm not kidding
you don't know why she did what she did
maybe she had someone else set it up
and they didn't pay attention

she might not even know
but even if she did

NO

what the hell do you think that means?

introducing buttermilk corvid

the place she was staying had an enormous pool.  she'd been watching people swim laps all morning.  they seemed to have a purpose about it, maybe they were practicing for olympic trials.  after about twenty minutes she had found it incredibly boring, but had been unable to look away.  it was like a train wreck, other people's motivations.  but she borrowed the metaphor alright:  she plunged through the door icy, brisk, whatever, to swim her way through whatever the hell they expected of her today.  why did people come to hear her speak?  it didn't make any kind of sense to her.  if they liked her books that was great, thank you, but what did they expect beyond that, she couldn't fathom.

good morning  she said swooping around the room trying to disturb anyone in a restful mood, what are we about this morning?

here she looked significantly at the person she had identified as:  introduce the speaker placeholder.  why am i here?  she thought, really hard, at the ISavatar.

for those of you who are mystery readers the woman before you needs no introduction.  author of  the elements murders, careful, you may not want what's behind door number ?, the taffy pinkerton series, and her new book blue kitchen first book of the new out of time series.  she is here to share with us, writers and readers alike--  what is the mystery of mystery writing.  this is not really a writing class and not really a lecture--  it's more of an informal exchange of ideas designed to get you thinking.

shit, she remembered writing that last part.  that's why there were so many people here--  they wanted to pick her brains. ...brains...brains...brains...  probably needed to write a zombie book soon, that's popular now, right.  hell is other people.

i just reread that and there's something that didn't come out clearly at all

it's the things that get bulled through
that matter less
they are more immediate and urgent, yes
but they are less about me
and so less important to be perfect
it sounded to me
when I read it again
like I was saying the opposite

and
I meant
a writing partner
because
as soon as anybody else
started to take charge and change things
then I would have to
make decisions
or lose control

I think

i got sick yesterday

i had to leave work
i was too dizzy to stand
much less work
and
i had someone drive me home because i didn't feel safe to drive myself

now today
i didn't go in either

and
i took a cab
to pick up my car
because i didn't feel like i could handle the bus
but i did feel safe to drive
and i thought i might need my car

i stopped at the cvs to pick up some dayquil
but i ended up getting mucinex because i keep hearing how good it is

i think
once this freak-o-rama cold front blows in
i might be able to function again
whoever heard of a hurricane in alaska

whatever
i'm dizzy, and disoriented, and migraine-y
with all my neck and shoulder muscles seized up
oh, and congested

but i think i wandered around cvs for and hour and a half
telling myself   focus  over and over again

and then i've had about a million calls and texts
i really feel  like i should maybe be paid for today
well, i mean, i will get sick pay, but you know what i mean

anyway
the dream is taking on a narrative
so i might be writing you something
but i'm not sure today is possible
but i think she's becoming more fleshed out

i guess you've got by now
i'm an idea person
i create the character pretty easily
i got a million names
but
when i hit a snag
it tends to snag me

creative projects don't get bulled through the way tangible ones do
i guess because they matter less
in a way
i probably need a partner

i like this character, though
she's an introvert
who has to play an extroverted role
and it makes her slightly misanthropic
so she continually makes up her back story on the spot
changes her wikipedia page regularly
just to fuck with people

her name
well
her father is chinese and he has an odd sense of what an american name should be
her mother is one of those hardworking scandinavian women she thought it was simple and honest
when her father came to america he had buttermilk for the first time
he loved it, said:  what is this called; ... i'm going to name my first child buttermilk
her mother was shocked that she was so fair, not dark haired like her father
and she just took to calling her that
it's a nickname

her real name is...jonquil...maybe
corvid?
oh she had an early obscession with poe
he's the whole reason she wanted to write... really

i love you

i dreamed about mystery writer extrordinaire buttermilk corvid

I can't tell you about it now
but
later
I will

this is still trippin me out so i'll tell you

I gave this woman my credit card
and she said
wow, your name is familiar
are you from H ______
yes
did you go to HS _____
yes
oh
I'm Gretchen _______'s sister
I knew I recognized your name
now
I'm not sure I ever knew Gretchen had a sister
and Gretchen and I had one class together
she was in tenth grade
when I was a senior
and
I graduated thirty years ago

how popular was I?

because that shit never really crossed my mind
but
I mean
I'd be hard pressed to tell you
anyone's name
there are a bunch of people
that I know I knew
can't remember their names

i love you

I had very strange dreams last night
I was trying to work out
bus routes
and
all sort of minutia
for this girl
who was working for me
who I wanted to adopt
she had red hair
and she was probably in her early twenties

something popped up
on my phone calendar today
I didn't know it was there
I want to reiterate
I love you very much

something may be wrong with me

I had a rough day at work
and we're having another HR investigation
and when I left work, I had to go wander
I went to tj maxx
I found two good bras
and a really beautifully shaped knit jacket
which may be navy blue
instead of black
but I think I can wear it with black, anyway
and some socks that compress your arch
all for fifty bucks
then I ate middle eastern food
and that was kinda a cheat
because
I know they cook that rice with chicken broth
but it is so good
then I got back here
sat on sofa
fell asleep
staggered to bed about three

just got up now
feel, not so good

thoughts off the grid

you know
i always have it in my mind
that i could build, like a log cabin, or something
because
i helped put in the floor
and
stucco the walls
of the renaissance festival booth
i didn't build it though

i've never
for example
changed a washer

and
although
i love electric drills
and drill presses
and even
oxy-acetylene welding rigs

i'm generally pretty uncomfortable
with saws

my dad had a friend who cut off three of his fingers
working with a circular saw [i think]
and they sewed em back on
but he lost the knuckles
and it just gave me the jinkies

like when my mom was trying to teach me to sew
i wanted to learn to sew
i wanted to design my own clothes
but
i was ten years old
and she started with all her relatives
and the various accidents they had acquired
like in sweat shop accidents, or whatever
and even though it was a treadle machine
i just couldn't get past it

it would have been better
much better
if she pointed out dangers
as they came up
and not in a you could be maimed format
but
there you go

i don't know if i really have the skills
for this old house
or log cabin woman power

but
i always think i do
but, i don't know
as long as i've got youtube, maybe

i calibrated and cleaned the machines at the coffee shop
but, it wasn't that easy for me

the training was with one of those handy types
who pretty much said
just take it apart and see what looks wrong
right
i don't have that kind of affinity for machinery, generally

i mean, i get it, i have that sort of affinity for other things
machines just aren't like that for me

taking them apart, no prob
cleaning them, cool
putting them back together so they are calibrated properly
i figure
takes me three to four times as long as it should
and there is always cussing
sometimes
there is also screaming
tears
and praying
those aren't altogether unheard of

i tended to balance this by doing that whole process
less frequently than recommended
they say
clean and calibrate the grindmaster every week
but
those things are work horses
unless you're doing nyc business
it could probably go two months

we have some where i work now
no body even knows they should be cleaned and calibrated
and they haven't been
for at least four years

i've debated with myself whether i would fix one
if it should go down
probably not
i've stopped fixing the toilets
they don't pay me for that
they don't even thank me

what i learned about being a manager is that
when it all becomes your responsibility
you develop magical powers
suddenly
your like:
no, don't call the tech, just unplug it and let it dry out
it'll be fine
no, i cannot afford the $200 facilities fee for the plumber again
i can make this stupid flushing device work
no, do not call the plumber
just use a fucking plunger in the floor drain
works every time


i'm not sure why i'm telling you this stuff
you probably want to have more story
or freeplay
or dreams
or sexy talk

and
it's not that i don't want to give you what you want
but
i woke up with an awful sinus pressure headache
and
i'm not feelin with the sexy, right now
and
i don't guess the book is ever gonna be real time
i just have to think about it too much
but
i did think i'd have more freeplay by now

i don't know if you see this stuff

this is a new blog

i decided i needed another one
sheesh

big picture little rabbit

i asked for information:
what would i get from ayahuasca
what is my major problem that i need to heal from
and maybe i got some answers

in my dreams
there was some sort of game
and
every level
every variation
it became a cage
vultures
outside the cage trying to get me
so maybe the cage keeps stuff away from me

not sure

then
i was a young woman
and i was arguing with a young man
who was maybe my boyfriend
about how he wasn't making me a priority in some way
and that used to be a problem for me
not sure that it still is though
and he
he was sending me a visual message
my alarm rang before i finished
and i didn't get the whole message
but it was white
not like black and white, but rather
like the most brilliant colorful white
it was a landscape
i guess a winter landscape
and it was full
full of minute details
little bunnies
plants
it was loading slowly
because of the detail of the visual image

does this mean that i am too fixated on details to see the big picture
that doesn't seem right
not exactly
but
it's somewhere in the ballpark, maybe
i see everything as minute stimulus
illuminated
filled with meaning
maybe
maybe that's too much
somehow
or maybe i need my partner to point to the part i'm supposed to annotate
i don't know

it's making me think, though

and
i don't know at what point this happened
but
i know exactly why my grandfather cut down the peach tree
i know
i understand
and i could see myself doing the same thing
[i don't think i actually would]
but i empathize
so is this an age thing?

i don't know

i'll write you something this weekend

I am fighting with myself
see
now
I totally want to do the jungle
ayhusaca magical realism overload
which wasn't what I originally planned
and so
I have to figure out
if I'm going back to plan A
or
moving on to plan B
or doing some hybrid

and my computer was down for 2 days
and
I been busy
and
blah blah blah

I love you, though
not ignoring you

i kept having dreams about you

I don't remember them all
I know
in one
I was talking to you, all day
wrapped in a sheet
in another
you were running for something, maybe
in another
it was some kind of athletic competition
and then
you won
the athletic, I think
but
there was more I can't remember, I'm sure
it was all you
all night

I love you
let's exchange mythologies

i just dreamed this art piece

I had already built this large doll house kinda thing
all painted white
and then I did this painting
it was painted into clear enamel
so it was thin and ghostly
and I did that pretty quickly
I'm not sure if it's went inside
or behind
but
before I could know what happened
it was already marked five hundred dollars
no, I said
this needs to be more like twenty five hundred
but then possibly
I was going to
do more to it
I don't know

not really awake
love you

i love you

sorry I don't seen to be
saying anything
that wasn't intensional

i dreamed there was this house

it was big
on a very large lot
red brick
not too fancy
just
solid
large spreading oaks
and then
right next door
they were painting a mural
for a restaurant
that was below street level
but
the figures in the mural
were like coming up and out of the space
they had a works projects
or classic soviet poster
or Diego Rivera Look
something like those styles
without
being any, specifically
it was an odd juxtaposition
but beautiful
and
it totally worked

it' the weirdest thing

I don't know if it's from
restricting
not eliminating
gluten
and
dairy
or
drinking more water
or
getting more sleep
or some combination of all those
but
my pain level
is now lower enough
that I'm seriously
almost
doing a little dance in the morning
it's almost like depression lifting

I love you

just woke up to pee

political satirist ala mark twain
had been regaling me with
the gulf war

something about
little donkeys

don't know
it's gone now

just woke up to pee

have been dreaming about you
I was at some function
and your cousins, maybe
younger male relatives
all came up to me
individually
telling me
how good I was for you
welcoming me
but
I think
I was a secret
from all your female relatives
and
I told you how much I liked your soul patch
and
you hung around me
were almost open
said
babe, ya got me wrong
we're tryin this

going back to sleep now

i had planned to write today

but
I'm doing those overnight
promo change thingies next week
and I had to cook
and blah blah
and I have to
go to sleep
now
so
I'm thinking of you
but
I don't know what
I'll get written
I love you though
and
I almost know what I'm gonna write
and
I guess that's something
*kissing you*

i hope you aren't thinking i'm unhappy

or upset
or whatever
and
I haven't forgotten
that I need to write you something
I love you
sweetness

such weird dreams, but i can't remember them

except
there was this one
I became an assistant manager
so
a nightmare, really
I need to figure this out
because
it seems like it's becoming a theme
bleh

I love you
good morning

good morning sweetheart

hope everything is beautiful
I have a cold
last night
I fantasized that you rubbed my lower back
and said
no babe
you don't look a day over thirty
*smile*

i just saw a swarm of dragonflies

I've never seen more than two
at one time
ever
I wo der what that means

i hope that wasn't too freaky

you're meant to like it
not to be upset
and
it wasn't going to be
that sexual
but
I had that licking dream
except it wasn't pasha
I've only got a sketchy image of pasha
in my head but
she's got white hair
and the chick in the dream didn't
so
that inspired the more sexual nature
of the surreal meso american
dreamscape
I toyed with
making it specifically
ayhuasca, but
I wasn't sure
I wanted to develop her
psychological issues that far
anyway
hope you liked it

i love you baby

I hope you're healthy and happy
and that everything
is beautiful in your world
I appreciate your patience
I should get some time to write today

i haven't forgotten

I've been busy
meeting at work yesterday
researching thing to do with mom
trying to wrap up loose ends
today I'm working
and then I'm off, like and their off
so
I have all these ideas
for what I'm writing
but
I don't want to let it get away
from the original story
and I just need to be able to focus
which I haven't
but
I'm leaning a little surreal
and I'm excited about it
I love you
lambchop

i made cream of mushroom soup for the very first time

with soy milk, no less
and
it's really good
I mean, I used some vegetable bouillon
I didn't spend hours building broth
but
really
I like it as well as anything I ever got in a restaurant
potato starch is awesome

I'm sort of crazy proud of myself
my mom used to make this casserole
with chicken, rice, and cream of mushroom soup
campbell's soup
and I have been craving that
I just have to figure out the chicken now
because, of course, no chicken
but something else
but the important part
is the mushroom soup and rice

I love you

stuff i didn't mention before

it was my original idea
that the book of letters
be
more or less
in real time
but
I've been busy
and super not into it
and now it's gone too long
I not only have to decide what to reveal
I also have to make up some plausible in the
why the heck hasn't she written dept
and the way I am naturally
I'm all like:
well, it's ruined, just move on to the next idea

I'm gonna try not to do that

I love you

i just want to talk to you tonight

so
i'm doing that thing with my mom again this year
and i booked the spa today
i have been extra tired
and i slept late
but i booked it

she wanted a facial and a massage
and i thought about getting that too
but
the idea
didn't appeal to me
being naked
being touched
i wasn't sure how i'd handle it

isn't that weird

i mean
i want a massage, sure
but i don't

so
what i decided i could handle
was a more extended facial
where they rub your scalp and neck and shoulders
and
reflexology

i've been feeling you today
i'm not sure what's going on with you
but
it's been arousing
and i'm going to bed soon
and baby
i don't even know
but
you and me

i was gonna write the next letter today

that was my plan
but
i had to go to the store
i cooked up lunches for the week
it took forever
but
i'm pretty happy about the results

i've been having this craving for squash casserole
and macaroni and cheese
so i made that for lunches
and greens

but i put a spin on it
the macaroni and cheese is vegan and gluten free
i've made it before
but i think i must have had different noodles
because these kinda cooked away
so it's just a mass of tastiness
but it doesn't look very good

the squash casserole was more of a challenge
it should be summer squash
which should be in season, you'd think
but they didn't have any at the store
so i got butternut and acorn both and blended them
and i would have just used bread crumbs
but that's not gluten free
so i decided to make cornbread
so that was my first experiment with coconut and millet flour
that was gluten free, but not vegan
it wasn't pretty either
i don't know if it was the chia seeds, or what
but the color was weird
i basically made squash dressing
and instead of cheese
i mixed buttermilk and nutritional yeast
it came out really nice

and
it's hatch chile time
so
have to come up with some ideas for that

i thought about you all day
but not about the book
just you, ya know

i hope my drunken ramblings didn't freak you out
they weren't supposed to be all maudlin
i was drinking to celebrate
but then, ya know, i want you

and tonight
i want you again
if you can meet me in dream land
maybe we can have adventures

i'm not going to write you fiction tonight, tonight i'm going to write drunk ramblings

i've had this crazy fantasy, lately
slow dancing with you
just holding you and swaying

i don't know

i don't know why that's what i want

i don't remember the last time i did that with anyone

maybe i'm just feeling
sentimental

i know
maybe
all the things you might want me to know
but

don't quit me
i'm a little drunk

my resolution is always to drink more
but i bought an enormous bottle when i had my little break down
years ago
and it's still almost full
and today
i had the lowest threshold pain day i can remember
like for months
i frlt able to walk to the mexican restaurant after working all day
less pain than i had been having after only a couple hours working
and i got the fancy floated shot margaritas

i thought about july july
and i still don't think i'm like those people
but
i tell you
that chronic pain was getting to me
and
i ate some flour tortilla chips
and
if i wake up in pain tomorrow
that'll be the end of wheat
and
i still miss chicken

and
it's happy happy blood time
and i'm sobbing at true blood
which is especially good this season
but i don't think i'm current yet

i guess it's mortality i'm feeling
thinking about the mid-wilshire hotel where i stayed
those times i was there
rooms open with keys
and the times i've imagined living there
winning the lottery
spending six months writing in a mid century modern hotel
kinda dingy
and
seriously you probably don't approve of mid-wilshire

but
there is a part of my brain
that equates it to the long ass street in my town
where my life has seemed to center
in one way and another
for a lot of my life
and
wilshire is the only place i've really felt comfortable
like
it's safe you know
within the city proper

i don't really know what i'm talking about
i don't know
if doors are opening
or closing
as long
as my mother
is never right
i'm okay

i love you
and i am imagining
the way you arms feel
the way you press against me
the touch of your lips
warm and moist against mine

things aren't complicated, and expensive

there's you and me
dancing in the moonlight
there's the dancing
and the making love, after
and
in my fantasy
there's the sleeping, your arms around me
like i've never done with anyone else
there's the waking up
together
and how you look in the moments between sleep and waking

and
all the reasons
that probably won't happen
just don't matter to me right now

tonight
you belong to me

a few words about what i'm doing: puttin it in a box

normally
I don't like to explain what I'm doing
but
I realized
it's not fair
you have to know what I'm doing

well, I'm writing you a book

it can't be about us
and it can't be about our story
because
our story isn't far enough along
I don't know too many things
and
it's limiting trying not to make up things
that then become you
when maybe you aren't like that

so
I'm writing you a work of fiction

I told shoes that I thought I maybe had
an even bigger problem with structure than I thought
could she recommend a good book on structure
and do you know what she told me
she told me to re read pride and prejudice and diagram it
SERIOUSLY??!!!!! @#%~
I hate that book
and another thing
of course you CAN sing NG
the spend an inordinate about of time with kids choirs teaching them not to
because it is so natural and fun
I was in kids choirs
I know these things

that other one told me
that to create a memorable narrator
you have to explain them enough
that the reader understands
who they are and what's going on
which caused me quite a bit of stress

but
mr I hate cats
he said you CAN break the rules
if you CAN

so
I'm totally playing with it
it's all going to be letters
I'm not 100% sure that they are all to rodrigo
Rodrigo is not you, he will include
traits and behaviors that you may not possess
so I'm more free there
clementine is not me
ditto
but
the really cool thing
is
I'm playing with the reader, you
you don't know where she is
why she there
Rodrigo does, but you don't
and I'm playing with the reveal
in ways hopefully
that give that sense of uncertainty
that I always wanted in our story
that I could never figure out how to write

but
I have a whole other thing
that you may be guessing
that I don't want to spoil

this is NOT just doing the same thing with another name
this is a whole new game

fruits and veggies

I dreamed
last night
that I was working at a grocery store
I was stocking procuce

click the link

this is not really ready for viewing

it needs to be styled
and whatnot
but
it's an idea
that i've been kicking around
blah blah blah
click the link

i just fell asleep on the sofa, in a bad position for my back and neck, slept like 5-6 hours anx had crazy dreans

the last one before I woke up
I was at the dentist
who looked like the shop guy from Ridgefield
he tried to put some old funky pliers in my mouth
I pulled myself out of the chair
which was difficult
I seemed to be drugged
I walked out in the lobby
I picked up something to use as a weapon
he came out
with this giant snake made of snakes
they were cartoon looking
and they were phallic
and I think they were supposed to be leeches

the dentist
I said
is a place of extreme physical stress for me
we are not going to play that way
I don't know you for shit
and I don't know what you might do

the big worm thing moved towards me
each worm thing wiggled
the larger gestalt creature
undulated toward me
I saw that the dentist had a stick
like a broomstick
with an obvious dildo on the end of it
some kind of weird carrot and stick, I guess

I woke up
I'd say, probably a sex dream
but not a good one
I have felt lately
stressed
about a variety of things
and
well
sex
want

i love you

that thing i didn't post

I was trying to tell you something about me
through relationships I had a work
but
I had smoked a little
and used too much poetic license
it was too much
it made me sound vaguely like
there might have been something going on
with me and a 24 year old guy
which emphatically there is not
and
in talking about a girl I have an adversarial relationship to
I come off bad
and I didn't want to sound like a bitch
especially since
I don't think I am one

I'm not sure
that I can tell you
my little nuances of personality
I think
I really want to listen to you
tell me about you
and
I'm kinda over talking about myself

but since that's what I think you want
I'm not coming up with other topics

and
I'm probably not very inspired, generally

i spent several hours writing you something last night

but
I wasn't sure about it after I finished
and the tarot said I should not post it
then I fell asleep on the sofa for like
three or four hours
and ended up staggering off to bed
without even saying anything
sorry about that
I love you very much

i can't remember what i dreamed last night

i know
when i woke up to pee
i thought
i really need to remember that
but i don't really wake up when i wake up to pee
and
i forgot

i've had a headache today
i feel, generally, bleh

i don't know what to say to you lately

i should be writing you something
but
i don't know

i keep wondering things
some are about you, your motivations, your beliefs
some are about me

i'm restless, i guess
and
my friend i got weed from moved away
and
i got her guy's number
but
whatever
i haven't done that yet
so
maybe i'm more sober than normal
and
it's a drag

i feel like i'm meant to continue telling you things about me that you don't know
and
i'm resisting


ok
here's something

i hate to be called lady
and most especially in the configuration ladies
i mean, if you're play acting lady blah blah or milady  is awesome
any use that references courtly love would be alright
but
any sort of 20th century chivalry is suspect
you can hold the door for me
if and only if
i can hold the door for you
and lady holds a whole social contextual can of worms
which i find distasteful if not vaguely offensive
and don't call me ma'am either
no sir


of course
if it's used quasi ironically
it often becomes okay again

hey ladies

parking space, peeing in a barrel, and branding with a star

i was parking
going home late at night
and a guy was fighting me for the parking space
somehow, if he didn't get this space, then he didn't have a place to stay for the night

i didn't give him my parking spot
but
i did let him stay at my place for the night

i don't know where he actually slept
because there was barely room for furniture besides the bed
and i had a man already there

i don't know
if you were either of the guys
maybe you were both
or
maybe all the characters in ones dream
are facets of oneself
who can say

i would like the man in my bed in my dream to be you, generally speaking
but i am less comfortable with that
due to later developments

anyway
we ate chili dogs
we mixed up peach soda in a long trough sink
there was a festive
but somewhat kinky atmosphere
because the guy was there
it was weird

i was sitting on a barrel
it was filled with soda, or beer, or something
something effervescent, maybe
i think it was tickling me a little
and i just released
which meant, i guess
that i had peed in the barrel
oh well
guess we won't be drinking that

then i got into bed
with my man
not the parker
started stretching and rolling around and stuff

i want you to brand me, baby
he says

yes, well
too bad we don't have any of that sort of thing

no, we do
he says
it's over on the sink, it all heated and everything

i go get it
it's a star
like a five pointed star
lone star

i don't want to do it
burn his flesh
but it seems so important to him
i press it to his left ass cheek
it sizzles a little
i feel a little queasy
it turns black, instead the red i expected

ice
let me put ice on it, i say

something about boats and fog

quick notes

giant map canvas
re arranging object d to fit
I'm already forgetting

I had tattoos
one was an American flag
I can't remember the other
but they were really faded

I really want a tattoo

that attraction thing

so
awhile back i was gonna write something about this

i was working on a wednesday, which i don't usually do
wednesday is when the beer comes in, mostly

a friend of mine at work
she thinks one of the delivery guys is hot
apparently that's the consensus

she's all telling me to ask him this or that
and he will lean over me to look at the manifest

no thanks
i'm really not interested, i say
he might be good looking
i don't know

karl was saying something the other day about people that
when you look at them they make you quiver

i can't remember the last time anyone had that effect on me, i say

really, he answers, incredulously

i was recently attracted to someone, i say
let me describe that situation for you


we got our first delivery from a new beer company
the delivery guy came in to tell me he was there
and we walked to the hallway where i take deliveries, together
what i immediately noticed
was he kinda stunk
but it was hot out, and whatever

we get to the hallway
and he introduces himself, properly
he is the founder and ceo of the company

and they've got you out making deliveries, i ask

i like to meet with the new accounts, he says
i like to make sure we have the proper procedures
and i like to meet the people

ok
i am attracted to this guy


so you're attracted to power?  karl asks

no, i say
it didn't have anything to do with power
it had to do with a shared value
work ethic or responsibility
whatever
that going out yourself to make deliveries, who does that

i talked to him about beer
and that was really nice, too
and he shook my hand like four times
and i'm a sucker for a good handshake

i went home and googled him
he went to rice
he has an mba from harvard

he's not real tall
and he has a beard, which wouldn't be my preference
but he seems very real, ya know

he is the first person, in recent memory
that i actually thought:
i would like to know him better

but
even if i wasn't already all tied up in you
i would not be getting involved with him

i'm at least ten years older than him

and
there's a big difference
between how i was attracted to him vs. how i was attracted to you

with him
i would be interested in dating him

with you
i felt like i already knew you
that you were my destiny, somehow

so
when i was a twelve year old girl reading romances
i would have been screaming at the heroine
to go for the practical stable one
and
i'm afraid
railing against
you

because i didn't understand romance at all, then

 

ramblings, because i really don't know what you want to hear

i have a pretty low tolerance for femininity
i'm not sure i can explain exactly what i mean by that
but
maybe this is an example
or
maybe it isn't
maybe it's something else

there's this guy who works with me
i don't know him well
and
even though he seems to be nice
i don't really want to know him any better

we were on break together a couple weeks ago
which i don't think has ever happened before
so he was chatting with me

he was basically, i think, trying to find out why
i didn't do more to pretty myself up

he's held back i guess by being male
he wants to wear heels and arch his eyebrows and whatever
and
all power to him ya know
but
i was trying to explain to him that i don't do anything to make myself pretty

i'm not trying to be pretty

i don't think he was capable of understanding me

i think he decided that i'm a fat girl with low self esteem

so
he has told me
on several occasions how i'm losing weight

now
with my current regime
it is pretty much impossible that i'm losing weight
if i am
then i need to be worried that i'm going diabetic or something
i find it irritating and somewhat disingenuous
but i think he means well, so i'm trying to ignore it

but yesterday
yesterday he made me mad

now
normally
i wear clothing that is drapey
nothing really clings
and you don't see my form much

but i got these new pants
they are on the more form fitting end of the spectrum
and you can see my ass
and the muscles in the backs of my legs
which i was vaguely aware of
but they were good pants
and like twenty bucks
and whatever

he's all like:
i don't want to embarrass you or anything
but that weight is just dropping off of you
you were walking by
and i was like
ooooo girl
you're starting to get a little shape on you

now
first
i don't care if he's gay
he needs to stop looking at my ass
i am doing nothing to encourage that

second
the fact that i did not conceal my shape as well today
does not mean i lost weight
or that i was the fucking grimace before

i want to be treated like a human



i am never gonna ask you if these pants make my ass look big

i might ask you if i look ok
by which i mean
something along the lines of:

is there anything wrong with this outfit that i might not have noticed
or
is this appropriate for where we're going

and i might not ask that
because i dress for me
if i am comfortable
and happy
in what i'm wearing
and i feel it suits the occasion
then i figure i project that

and that is really what it's all about--  to my mind

this is really random

I've been thinking
that you were born in a particular year
but
I've always kind of secretly wanted
to pair up with someone
who is either a tiger or a dog
in Chinese horoscope
and
if you are one year older than I think you are
you would be a dog
I don't think there's any way that you could be a tiger
supposedly those are the only two signs
I am compatible with
and I don't know how accurate that is
it's not like super important
or a deal breaker
or anything
but
my grandmother was a tiger
but
I seem to be destined to be surrounded
with oxen and rats

I told you it was random

i was digging through a wardrobe full of clothes looking for a skirt

or, maybe
I was looking for a complete outfit
not sure
I have these stress dreams now
about not being in dress code
and they aren't generated by my life environment
so
that means something
but I'm not sure what
but, anyway
I found a skirt

I have these two reversible skirts
I've had them for like, idk, ten to fifteen years
and I don't think I've ever worn the reverse
one side is black
the other side is a chiffon-y tie dyed prettiness
in either brown or purple
I can't do it
as a black skirt
a tiny ruffle of the chiffon shows
that's as much as I can do
and I really like that little bit

but
the other day
I became aware
the consensus at work
among my friends at least
is that I'm a hippie
and
I have to admit
my first reaction was to be offended

I interpreted that to mean
I smell
have extremely sub par grooming habits
lazy had to figure in there somewhere
and
big pot head

so
it bothered me a little
so
I asked owen
he's the one who actually said something
he's like twenty five
I didn't go into what I thought he meant
except
the stinking part

no
apparently not eating meat gets you
most of the way to hippie
and
he said something else
which I found relieved me quite a bit
he said:

no no, and you don't even smoke pot

so I guess I don't seem like a pothead
which is good
apparently

so that may be why the reversible skirts
were forefront in my mind
and that was what I found
a reversible skirt
black on one side
bright neon pattern
something from the eighties, maybe
I did have a phase
where I bought trendy clothes
it was like one year
between high school and college
but
then I realized
I couldn't really wear them any more
and
I went running back to black
but
even that year
my favorite dress
was a khaki shirt waist dress
slightly crossed over blouse
with big side pockets
I called it my out of Africa dress
I don't think I ever saw the movie, though
I wore it with these great shoes
the shoes made the outfit really
there
something else you didn't know

i'm going to bed now

I want you

i felt something amazing a little while ago

it was like
I could feel you wake up
and stretch
like
you stretched me, somehow
and there was this whole
happy to be alive thing
it just
felt good

I love you
happy

i love you

I hope you're happy and healthy
I've been feeling you off and on
for the last few days
but
I can't tell
what you're emotions are
not exactly

it's kinda like
you're going about your day
and all of a sudden
you have an intense moment
like you think of me
and it is an intense thing
but
just for a moment
and then you're back

not like normal
so
I don't know

I'm gonna try
to dream about you

i got something rattling around

new character
maybe a story
although, lately, they never resolve into stories
but
the name's marla
don't know where that comes from

i don't know if you're mad at me, or if i've made trouble for you

but
whatever

it's weird, but i miss you a little, debbie heather

let's see
it's been about a week
there are parts of the fantasy
well, having a nemesis makes it more exciting, i guess

you're so rude
taking something away from you always felt like
the right thing to do
an epic battle
an end in itself, almost
if i let myself get carried away

i have to say thank you, as well
because
there were points
at the start
where i didn't think anything was happening
thought i was just totally crazy

and it was you that gave me hope

how would you even know
who i was to be looking at my page, or whatever
you had to be following his undeleted search list
and
the more nasty you got
the more threatened you must be getting
because, come on, let's face it, i'm a voice in the ether
you never mock the other stalkers, now do ya

so, thanks

you have been an integral part of the experience
mostly
you aren't very creative or inspiring in your nastiness
you lower his stock a little, to be honest
but you have had a few legitimately good ones
charlie
and regina spektor
and, of course, i already thanked you for the advise about my bags

i think that's about it for the high points
all i can remember right now, anyway

and
in the spirit of full disclosure
[in case he's reading it]
i totally pulled a brer rabbit on the how will you ever
i was hoping to inspire a little creativity to your videos
but
i'm not gonna slog through the b reels
sorry

i felt a little bad at how easy that was, though

no
i think
i'm going to have to fantasize
without the debbie figure
and maybe that means i've worked through it
all that baggage slogged through
ready to move on to the next issue

thank you for being a part of my life
but

i don't think i need you anymore

i slept almost twelve hours

and
I feel a lot better
don't remember my dreams though
looked up m on facebook
she doesn't look dangerous or edgy anymore
but
she looks really happy
and I think she has a new baby
and the guy is white
which super surprises me
but
that guarantees it wasn't an arranged marriage
and
the other one's fiance is really pretty
I didn't meet her or anything
I just looked at the facebook
but
she exudes this warmth
even in pictures
she looks earthy sweet
so
all's well that ends well

and
whatever

they say you see things when you're supposed to, but i don't know

i read a message yesterday
before i went to bed
it was sent to me in october of 2012
but i don't remember ever seeing it

could i have forgotten it

the girl i had the affair with
the year before i met you

she was saying:
i saw your mom, it was like fate
i still think about you

me and m we broke up
she's
 married now
to a man
k is fifteen

and her email
it's the nickname i gave her
that she initially
she didn't like at all
until i told her what it meant to me

she's still holding on to it

now
don't get me wrong
i don't want to hook back up with her

and she got engaged two months later
so
i'm not sure how to interpret that
but
i feel like
something
i should have responded, somehow


she didn't want me then, though
she is the one i always think of
when i think
about you
and her


so
i don't know what that means
but it made me
sad

just got up, going in earlier

it's going ok
it's taking forever
I'm not enjoying it

plus
I'm depressed, I think

I had bad dreams
the last one
work moved from 2 miles away to like 17
and it was full service dining
I've never waitressed
I couldn't seem to get into my locker
but
I could get into every other locker
accidentally
there was more
it was all bad

I'm pretty sure I'm premenstrual
and
censored seems to have set the tone
so
I'm just angry all the time
I hate it

I think my foot pain is arthritis
deep heat rub is helping
good times

censored

i guess you are a campfire girl for the NSA
i'm used to your surveillance
but i only ever spoke to you that once
when i lost my temper
at your tone

you're doing me a favor really
i don't want to
hear what you have to say
and
how can you possibly make me feel bad
that you have everything i want
if you can't rub my nose in it

i was a teenage girl once too
and what you don't know about me
was i hung in a shark pack
where, if you didn't say it first and sharpest
you got eviscerated
so
i could have heather skills, if i wanted

but i don't
i don't want that big lots episcopal DOD
get that girl some aqua net
whatever

you have every right to your privacy
i thank you for it
really

i love you

i should have written you about my dream

but
it was too complicated
it had to do with
zombies
the manipulation of time
to try to defeat said zombies
an heroic Buffy type teen aged girl

and I woke up repeatedly
with leg cramps
I need to drink water
but
I'm not drinking water
I'm dehydrated
that's got to be the reason

I don't understand
why won't I drink the water
what's wrong with me

hope you are having a good day

I still have a headache
but it's not so debilitating
my sleep cycle is all fucked up
my cat is angry
I'm now using two eye creams
and
I probably won't be all that entertaining today either

maybe I will
but
managed expectations

I do not have beautiful feet
but
I would do almost anything for a good foot massage
my left arch has been killing me
off and on for weeks

I guess
if I lost weight
blah, blah, blah

I just want it not to hurt, right now

you got stuff that hurts too, right
it's not just me

I guess I'll hobble down stairs and make some
migas, maybe

I ended up having an interesting dinner
I had frozen salmon burgers
cut up into tacos
but instead of cabbage slaw, california
I did a ton of iceberg, texmex
but
with olive hummus base
and
ranch and that green sauce, sauce
I didn't bother with tomato, or cheese
so
total hybrid
but I make these wraps
with hummus and spinach and
usually raw mushrooms
and tomato
sauce or no sauce, variations
I started out being good
using multi grain
but have degenerated to jalapeno cheese wraps
so this was a variation of that
really
I don't eat elaborate meals very often

big salads
wraps
baked potato
seared tuna with fresh or frozen veg
brown rice and veg
delivery veggie pesto pizza
delivery Chinese sweet and sour shrimp or tofu homestyle
walk over to the Mexican restaurant
pasta or Asian noodles with varied topping
veggie burger or dog very rarely
but every once in a while
that's the regular rotation
oh, yeah
stuffed peppers
sometimes nachos
sometimes I'll make a big batch of
something in the crock pot
or soup
but those tend to cluster in waves
like
I'm in the mood for it
and it tends to be more wintery
in the other seasons
I'm less likely to have a craving for that sort of
hearty fare
although, that's not true
sometimes I take that stuff for lunches

I would probably be more
consistently exciting
if I was cooking for someone else
although, I don't knowexcep
I've never really done that
except for holidays

i woke up with like a migraine

and upset stomache
and my boss is screwing me next week for inventory
because
she is making me work wed til 4pm
and then Thurs 4am
so there's no way I'll get any sleep
and the next week is promo change

I'm sure the reason I feel bad is partially
that I've been getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night, recently
although, maybe not
because I just slept 5 hours straight
and my head still hurts so bad I can't stand it

anyway
since she's screwing me
I felt justified in calling in sick
because if I start out at that much of a deficit
how will I be able to get through

but
it turned out to be good
because my air conditioner was broken
really the thermostat
and
tomorrow probably wouldn't have been
a maintenance day

I guess I'll fix something to eat
not too enthusiastic about food

I think you want me to tell you a story
but
right now
I got nothin

I love you

la vida loca {ironically}

i'm not sure where to start
i was at dinner with my mom
i was talking about my most recent skincare experimentation

oh there's so much
i gotta edit
or else
you will snore
there is no way to explain this, hang on

old school

the noxema inspired me to reopen the cold cream fantasy

i bought a merle norman circa 1930s cleansing cream
it smells
it is greasy
i thought i was gonna do a hot cloth cleanser thing
i went to target
i looked at make up for an hour and i bought wash cloths
[that was the other day]

i was telling my mom the permutations
[hot cloth rated poorly]
{she is in no way interested in this}
and i got myself so worked up
i had to stop at walgreens

they were on shift change, i guess
and the girl leaving, she recognized me
oh, you missed the la roche posay event we had today

you need to get her on the email list
[this she says to bobby]

does she like she like la roche posay

yes, and vichy, oh, and 100% pure too, just put her down for-- everything


after she left
bobby asked me

how does she remember you
do you come in, a lot

no, not really
one day i came in and i saw how you had it all set up
i got kinda excited about it
and for a couple weeks
i came a bunch of times
i haven't been in for a little over a month
i think it's that i stay, for like an hour and a half

if i was guessing, i'd say bobby is gay
but i'm not guessing
it's of no interest to me
he has this almost
no
the best way to put it is clean cut
he might be anything between fifteen and twenty two
i would have been willing to go as high as twenty five, but
he told me, at the end
that he made his mother buy him special avene after shave cream
[which is also what pushed the lower scale down]

he showed me the new color collections from the balm

he has beautiful, amazing eyebrows
i want his eyebrows
i want to ask him exactly what he does
[this could have gone on longer
i am sparing you
eye grooming upper deck forum]

back to the la roche posay event
they had left gifts with purchase behind them
free with purchase of two items

now it is clear from the packaging that the idea is sunscreen
but i already bought their sunscreen, last month
and it is expensive
and tinted
and way way way too dark for me to put on my face
but the free gift is eye cream
they have five retinol
one with PRO-XYLANE™and LINACTYL
i put the serum from this line substaine [+] on my face once
and my face said:  mmmmmmm
so i'm interested
and this eye cream is about $45

i put it in my basket, i walk around

vera moore camphor mask smells great, contains clay and oatmeal

rodial has beautiful chrome packaging

what i'm out of
what i'll, for sure, use
eau thermale

wait
any two items

[he was at lunch
i waited]

yes

score
full size eye cream

i love you

I hope you're ok
I guess I haven't said much
but
that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you

i'm not really sure i learned that much about soccer

chile kinda kicked spana's ass

i learned bicycle
i've got a really solid feeling for what's a faul
and that's not nothing i guess

they don't wear padding
except shin guards
your shins are apparently the only thing that needs protecting
they don't, or they don't all
seem to wear
i think i saw junk, i was not looking for junk

we talked about soccer injuries
from her broken nose
a friend's father's metal cheek bone
concussions
soccer is a real sport

injury time

at one point
i said to her
it looks to me as though
spain is playing a completely defensive game
trying to keep chile from scoring
but they're down two
they need to be trying to make goals
they don't seem to have a plan
the players seem too scattered
is that right

yes, she said
they don't have [i forget his name] this year
and nobody seems to want to step up
and at the goal box
there should be like three of them where there's one guy alone

so i guess
i have a general feel

oh, yeah, and they wear bright shoes

and the spanish fans are great
they would get all excited
and then
completely
deflate
and
some of them had girlfriends who didn't care
and they just kept on smiling
because their trip wasn't being completely fucked up
while spain was being eliminated early
after winning last time
she was still gonna get to shop
[i swear i saw it on their faces]

apparently
everybody doesn't play everyone else
there is some sort of seeding
or something
and
she didn't really know
so
i'm back to not really knowing anything there

i want to know
does it make me bad, somehow
that i think i could like women's soccer
but i don't really see myself bothering with the men's

should i have asked that question


i love you

it's soccer day

we'll see what I learn

so there are all these tie ins for world cup

and many of us are asking each other
when did this become a thing
are Americans really into world cup

now
one girl I know
she comes by and asks me about world cup
and I'm all like:
I had football and baseball growing up
I don't really know anything about
other sports
I'm really interested in basketball
and women's soccer
I feel the momentum
I know I'd like em
but reading about them
isn't going to work
what I'm really waiting for
is someone to teach me about them

well, I was so stuck in my rut of
when did this become a thing
that I forgot
this girl played soccer
all through school
then coached and reffed kids
she is an angry girl
and the only things that I've ever seen
that made her cheerful
were talking about being in the military
and soccer

she's like:
oh
I'll fucking teach you soccer
proceeds to whip out her phone
find a day we can both watch a game

then later
she pulls out her phone again
I tried to show b and a this earlier
and they just looked at me like I was wasting their break time
and I'm always doing that to her too
because she always wants to tell me
some depressing morbid shit
she saw in the news
but
this time:
ok
this is the last minute of the u.s. women's team
from the last world cup
they got 3 minutes added
because (can't remember the name) was so obviously faking injury, trying to run out the clock

and she shows me
the ball is in play
it goes to this girl on the side
she kicks it
what looks really randomly to me
it flies across the field like magic right into this other girl's head
and then smoothly into the goal
I had just seen it
but
it didn't look possible

then
with the replay
she explains
in a way
that I now understand
there are quadrants of the field
players pretty much always stay in their areas
because of rules, but also because
everyone is pretty specialized
and
you can't be forward of the defenders
and yellow card
can become red card if you are

so
it's not like I understand soccer
but in 15 minutes
she just blew up the nothing I knew
into a context
that I now know enough to ask a question

instead of
when we were trying to find a game
every time she said SPAIN
I said: REAL MADRID?
until
she finally smiled at me
like she was talking to a 3 year old
and said: well, yeah, Real Madrid is FROM SPAIN
and it snapped
no
this is like world baseball classic
or the olympics
the team is comprised of the best PLAYERS
FROM that country
I had thought it was like soccer super bowl

yesterday
some people were asking me:
why does it go on so long
and I was all like:
I think it must be because
since it isn't existing teams with standing records
everyone has to play everyone else
pretty much
it's more like the olympics than the super bowl

and
I haven't felt like that
since I was helping tourist on the tube

and later
it occurred to me
it probably means something to her
not just because she gets to watch soccer with someone who is interested
but
she gets to TEACH ME something
I know nothing about
cause you know
I know everything, right
I don't
but
I come off like that, I guess

I thought
that was pretty exciting

I have hoped
for many years
that you'd teach me basketball
maybe I'll just keep hoping that

happy father's day

later, i have some here's-my-life-catchup stuff to tell you

nothing exciting
but
kinda cool
I love you
I hope you are happy and healthy
and running with the wolves
[I don't really know what I mean by that
it just popped into my head]

counting coup

against your collar bone
dancing dragonfly
the blue road stretches out, forever
i picture my tattoo

joshua tree, back lit
sky impossibly blue
stretched out across the desert
phantasmagorical detritus of a soul
scattered
and
followed
like hansel and gretel [candy house out of frame]

words projected on white t shirts
side step the sidewinders
who are these women who tell you to stop
i say man the torpedoes
full steam ahead
what's more
than
creation

we stole those big ole suckers
from the lollipop kids

here come the flying monkeys

you know how periodically i get a card that pops up again and again, well

this is the one that's been popping up
lately
it is the swiftness card
sudden change or communication
or breakthrough
like
whatever you've been working on
suddenly there's movement
I don't see how there can really be
sudden-ness
with us
but
maybe this means something else
or
maybe it makes sense to you

eight of fire

eight of staves

eight of wands

i slept a really long time

and I had a bunch of dreams
but I just remember bits
I remember analyzing my dreams
maybe one of the times I got up to pee
thinking: march march, april march
lots of stuff about marching

I was driving with someone
we were looking for the best Mexican restaurant
but we only had an hour for lunch
we weren't going to stop
but then we did
and we ordered
to go
but then
this plate was in front of me
and I was eating it
I think it was squid
it looked like squid
it was amazing
and enormous
I ate and ate
and then this girl said:
that's not yours you know
and there was some problem
how would I compensate the person
whose food I'd just eaten
and I'd probably be in trouble for the two hour lunch

then
there was some crisis
the father figure was missing
I was on the phone
with someone
and we were safe
then
some chick was telling me
we had to disconnect
move the phones

I was driving
down a street I recognize
it's in my dream city
and one side was all under construction
somehow, hard to explain
nothing was closed
you could still drive
but there was a wooden frame
barricade-like structure all along the sidewalk
I stopped to get coffee
when I went to pay
the dm who made me quit
was standing there
telling the cashier:
we're splitting it
ok, said the cashier, five dollars
he didn't have a register
I said, yeah, I think mine's less than five, actually
and the cashier hands me a big wad
of folding money
and says: fine, figure it all out, then give it back to me
I refuse to take it
five is actually fine, I guess

I don't know
these seem kinda stressed out to me
my head hurts
but
it's raining really hard now
so maybe it's a pressure change headache

I love you
hope you are happy and healthy

i fell asleep sitting on the sofa

I wanted to tell you to meet me in dreamland
I want you
I been feelin you
off and on
but you may already be asleep
or
I may be
before you read this
but, if you can, meet me
I love you very much

it's like i'm blocking my dream memories

as I'm waking up
they seem to be erasing
all I remember
is
cuddly cactus
what the hell is that

I guess I miss the desert

i remember shopping

it was some kind of old timey place
and I was setting up an installation
desert plants
and
I found this skirt
it was pink
and woven
and
lined in black fabric
there was more
but I forget

i'm going to bed

i love you

i was at some kind of festival

but
I don't guess I aw much of the festival
there was a house
people were working there
there were desks
made of pipe and cement
there were lots of little details
but
I don't remember them
I have allowed myself
to think too much
about
how much you wouldn't have liked me
twenty years ago
without inserting, concomitantly
how much you've changed
even in the last ten years
and
it's bringing me down
but it was a good dream I think
mostly what I can remember, though
is my mom
blowing up my social media
with panoramic pictures
everything she saw at the festival
apparently
there were a lot of balloons
hot air balloons
regular balloons
I guess that's a good sign
but
I don't really know
what any of it means

I need to snap out of it

I want to ask you questions
just about your day
but
am slightly paranoid
I'm finishing up happy happy blood time
and am hopeful
that that will fix this mild funk

I love you
I want you to be happy

bath, new candle tobacco leaves & sage

my brain is
swirling
around a bunch of
mostly analysis, really
I can't relax
if you're trying to reach me, I think
I have too much interference
I hope that's good

I think it means I'm working on something
I wish I knew what it was

hello

look here instead

the hawk called behind me
what
oh
that's the one

i want a tattoo

i want a tattoo of a joshua tree

it's completely irrational

and desert
it's not just dry
it's covered with prickly

the light shimmers off the rocks like a stadium of diamonds
the clouds transcend the third dimension

the world, is alive

tonight's reading

how does he think i'm doing

what does he want me to know

what could i tell him right now that would make him happy

should i post this

joshua tree national park may 2014 (unfinished)

the water at 29 palms inn was deep desert well water
delicious right out of the tap
i couldn't get enough of it
i had trouble choosing the place to stay and this was the right decision
always trust your gut

i almost stayed at the joshua tree inn
but it seemed too funky
and the haunting angle was sub optimal
i can't recall ever using that word before
but the last few days
it was like my new word or something

the harmony inn
not only had a great name going for it
it was where U2 stayed when they wrote joshua tree
[which, i mean, they must have stayed multiple places]
but it wasn't maybe funky enough

there was the pioneer town
which seemed like a cool concept
but the pictures of the rooms online
looked like country threw up
it reminded me of every arts and crafts show we ever did

there was an america's best value inn in yucca valley
that had a room that looked like a cave
which seemed kinda neat
but also kitchy
with spa tub
but
i was going to the desert
it seemed wrong to subvert that theme
besides
yucca valley wasn't funky enough

what i wanted was someplace that felt natural
the video pretty much sold me
but the room photos pretty much sealed it
she should have mentioned the tap water

anyway
enough about the room
it was located actually conjoining the park, i think
at the oasis of mara
which sounded like something i'd want to do but i did not

i went instead to explore the town
and though the health food & beer and wine store in joshua tree
was hysterical and appealing
it was the used book store raven's bookshop in 29 palms
that pulled me in
it's funny that i always find book shops on vacation

i bought a tiny little emerson
[selections from self-reliance, friendship, compensation
and other great writings]
a book of kenneth rosen poems
[new to rosen
the cover called
a quick flip through brought some raw
but at the same time
borderline pretentiously academic
images
and the forward note included the word psychopomp]
south america of the poets
discussing the culture and politics of the countries
through the poet as metaphor
[i think that made sense]
ink line drawing illustration
cooking fish and shellfish
with pretty blue pencil illustrations
of fish butchery
but not one picture of a completed dish
and
seven arrows
[which i don't think i ever owned
but meant to buy many times]

insert section/s later

so
the second day
i went to the park
at the visitor center
the ranger was asking a young couple
[late twenties early thirties]
if they wanted to camp in the park
the woman struggled to conceal shock
no, they both almost shuddered, in unison
he was circling their map
speaking with the kind of practiced patter that the brain won't absorb well
i tried to listen

if i just have a day or two, i asked
where should i go to just, ya know, get a general feeling for the park

he directed me to the inner loop
about thirty five miles starting in 29 palms [there]
ending in joshua tree
circling the same things as he talked to me that he had for them
i was dubious

i drove to the entry/pay
the woman told me my fifteen dollar pass was good for 7 days
[i think that's kind of genius
i mean when you think about it
that's like a movie, almost
but
i could see people grumbling
i'm just driving through it, i don't want to pay so much
after all i won't really be using the place at all
to which they can smile and say
yes, but it's good for a full week

ok, i said to her
i have the world's worst map skills
is there any way i can get lost

if you stay on the main road it will take you out at joshua tree

i have enough gas for about 200 miles
there is no way that isn't enough, right

well, you won't get good mileage driving that slow
would be at the low range
but it's thirty-eight miles
so, i'd say, yeah, you should be good

awesome, thanks



i would like to tell you that i was in a convertible just like the one in fear and loathing
that at thirty-five miles an hour my hair was whipping behind me
like it did when my father had the convertible tomato red beetle
where i might have stood up or who knows what
because seat belts what are those
but i cannot tell you that

as a child, even
go outside and play
was not such a good idea
about two hours playing outside in the summer
and i'd be vomiting with mild heat stroke
i got a bad sunburn, every year

i am using sun damage reversal products
[no whammies on the skin cancer, please]
i coated my exposed body with spf fifty
my face i finally found the perfect bb cream
it's untinted
you may laugh
i'm pale

in college
i was at a tracy chapman show
great local small venue
and she had a band-aid on her arm
she was talking about what bullshit it was that that was flesh colored
it was like a revelation to me
i had always thought it was weird that they were brown

anyway
sunscreen, check
windows up, check
air conditioner cranked, check
water at the ready, check

my chemical romance cover of desolation row, playing
on repeat

i was driving
but i was trying not to zone out to numbness
i was
i don't know what i was

a car turned off on a road to the left

should i turn there

is there any way you could call that staying on the main road

no

so there you go

ok, not turning


i got to the first really good stand of joshua trees
and i was thinking that i really wanted to get out, take some pictures
but
it was so so bright

when, suddenly it wasn't

well, it was
but it wasn't
it took me a few seconds to figure out what was going on

there was a cloud, immediately above me, blocking the sun

wait, what
there's a black cloud over my head

but it wasn't really
it was beautiful

that's gotta be a sign

i got out of the car
i took pictures

i started to cry
just alligator tears, my family used to call them
rising up and dropping over
running down my face
i guess
without the drama they weren't real enough

you've always been so good to me, i said
looking up at the cloud again



so, if we aren't using the map, how will we decide when to get out and walk around

how do you think

right, just checking

i checked my arms for sunburn
which was pointless anyway
my sunburn never develops till hours after the fact
by the time i'm pink
it'll be like a third degree burn
blistering
chills

why is it, you think, that you love the desert so much

don't know
don't think i could explain it with words

didn't want to listen to desolation row
searched around on the tracks
don't wanna change discs
just like a woman
too whiny, self-involved
dylan's dream
bryan ferry, no
man of peace
not quite
times they are a changin
flogging molly, ok

drink some water
start driving again

the road
i could say it twisted and turned
but
i think meandered would be more accurate
the sun was high in the sky
everything was bright, and beautiful, and waiting

here

no

how about here

no

wait, is that one even on the map

ooooo hall of horrors

seriously

yes, seriously
look at how pretty that is
doesn't look very horrifying to me
why do you think they call it that

insert section/s


normally when i go on a road trip i put more thought into music
i never really listen to cds anymore except when i'm on the road
and i keep the road cds in a basket
but
this time
i didn't grab the music till i was walking out the door
and the only one that was in the basket was
chimes of freedom
it's three discs
and it's pretty good
i did some road trip to california where that was pretty much all i played anyway
so i thought, what the hell, ya know

the last time
the songs that stuck out to me the most
that i played over and over on repeat were
you're gonna make me lonesome when you go
make you feel my love
just like a woman
baby let me follow you down
i want you
i'll remember you
and most especially
don't think, twice it's alright

this time
those were good songs, sure
but i didn't connect with them, really
it was a completely different set on the way in
blind willie mctell
love sick
quinn the eskimo
one too many mornings
mama you been on my mind
outlaw blues
and most especially
bob dylan's 115th dream
and
one more cup of coffee for the road

the ride home was different songs
not dark yet
love minus zero/no limit
this wheel's on fire
all alone the watchtower
changing of the guard
but when i finally settled into
tryin to get to heaven before they close the door
i had to buy new cds

a virtual patchwork of oddity

ok
when I woke up at 5 something
I had been in this art town
and we were buying
glassware
these beautiful bowls
they came as a set
something they kept calling parfait bowls
clear with a confetti pattern of light sky blue
and a larger bowl swirling cobalt
then
we went to a woodworker
enormous solid table tops
I think the one we like the best
was a purple so dark it looked like ebony
then, like I said, I woke up
and I felt you so strongly
but
specifically
sexually
I been feeling you for days
and proximity matters I guess
I guess we already knew that
but
once I had to get out of the car
couldn't drive for the spasms

then
after I went back to sleep
I told you I was going to
do some sort of vlogging
or show
you said
yeah, you should

but then
before I woke up now
well, not now, but most recently
I was working for some big box type place
only a little smaller than big
and I was trying to help this guy
with his video tape rewinder issue
so, shit
what year is that
what the hell does that mean
he wanted to buy, something
be was worried about our quality
I told him our quality was good
he started telling me about the rewinder
I said
bring it in, we'll refund your money
he said
I threw it away
I can try to get you a number for someone
in corporate
who might give you something
I said
but you really shouldn't have thrown it away

what does that mean

the chorus in my head

say
that you'll think I slept with somebody
but
that's ridiculous

I can't even get you to tell me
whether you wanna sleep with me

you would have no right to be angry
at all
about that

so
if that was worrying you
forget that

it's not fair to tell you you'd be mad
and then not tell you
so
I will
later