ramblings, because i really don't know what you want to hear

i have a pretty low tolerance for femininity
i'm not sure i can explain exactly what i mean by that
but
maybe this is an example
or
maybe it isn't
maybe it's something else

there's this guy who works with me
i don't know him well
and
even though he seems to be nice
i don't really want to know him any better

we were on break together a couple weeks ago
which i don't think has ever happened before
so he was chatting with me

he was basically, i think, trying to find out why
i didn't do more to pretty myself up

he's held back i guess by being male
he wants to wear heels and arch his eyebrows and whatever
and
all power to him ya know
but
i was trying to explain to him that i don't do anything to make myself pretty

i'm not trying to be pretty

i don't think he was capable of understanding me

i think he decided that i'm a fat girl with low self esteem

so
he has told me
on several occasions how i'm losing weight

now
with my current regime
it is pretty much impossible that i'm losing weight
if i am
then i need to be worried that i'm going diabetic or something
i find it irritating and somewhat disingenuous
but i think he means well, so i'm trying to ignore it

but yesterday
yesterday he made me mad

now
normally
i wear clothing that is drapey
nothing really clings
and you don't see my form much

but i got these new pants
they are on the more form fitting end of the spectrum
and you can see my ass
and the muscles in the backs of my legs
which i was vaguely aware of
but they were good pants
and like twenty bucks
and whatever

he's all like:
i don't want to embarrass you or anything
but that weight is just dropping off of you
you were walking by
and i was like
ooooo girl
you're starting to get a little shape on you

now
first
i don't care if he's gay
he needs to stop looking at my ass
i am doing nothing to encourage that

second
the fact that i did not conceal my shape as well today
does not mean i lost weight
or that i was the fucking grimace before

i want to be treated like a human



i am never gonna ask you if these pants make my ass look big

i might ask you if i look ok
by which i mean
something along the lines of:

is there anything wrong with this outfit that i might not have noticed
or
is this appropriate for where we're going

and i might not ask that
because i dress for me
if i am comfortable
and happy
in what i'm wearing
and i feel it suits the occasion
then i figure i project that

and that is really what it's all about--  to my mind