thoughts January 31st

I have discovered 

the thing I like to do, or more accurately, perhaps 

A THING that I like to do

is have adventures 

yesterday 

I walked around my apartment complex 

which I haven't done in a while 

& even though that is a pretty 

SMALL adventure 

it WAS 

KINDA fun

Ive been remembering my trips to London

& scotland

in context with some more recent trips 

& the room is important 

the stuff I do out in the WORLD 

& driving

are important 

BUT 

the kinda world creation of the room

is really important 

I'm not sure YET 

what I think this means

BUT 

I think it's important 

better day today

to be clear 

I had turned off the 

RINGER on my phone 

SO

I didn't talk to the admitter

& this afternoon 

I ALSO didn't talk to the social worker 

I could call & SAY

I'm not doing anything that supports her going home -- because I don't think it's SAFE 

BUT 

that didn't work before 

&

1) that's not what I'm DONE feels like to me

2) SHE hasn't CONTACTED me directly 

3) if they are planning her release ALREADY then I'd say it's likely that there isn't anything wrong with her -- 

a) they kept her a week before & couldn't find anything 

b) she's been in constant care since and was APPROVED to go home 

c) I'd say if they can't reach me it will make them less likely to send her home 

d) I keep wanting to text her and say --

JUST pretend you got your WAY 

& I killed myself because I couldn't handle it 

& NOW you have to deal with yourself 

ANYWAY 

BUT 

that seems like some passive aggressive manipulation and I'm not trying to make her do anything anymore 

I'm 

just 

DONE 

goodnight sweetheart

I've gotta say, though

I'm going through the tequila 

at what I would call an alarming rate 

it's been a week 

since I bought

1.75 liters

of tequila 

& I have gone through LIKE three quarters of it

with this new mixer

that's pineapple and jalapenos 

& a citrus THC elixir, or whatever they're calling it

& the thing I NEVER understand 

drinking makes me feel 

BETTER in the morning 

anyway 

I f*CKed UP 

& I'm going to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

January 29th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm not having a great day

I had a headache 

& took a nap 

& I'm awake now but I'm not sure for how long 

I don't feel great about all this

BUT 

honestly 

a sincere request for help

MIGHT have WORKED 

for something 

& the heartfelt 

APOLOGY

that is NOT even a possibility 

SHE has NEVER 

she LITERALLY undermined all attempts by anyone to protect her 

JUST

so she could go ahead with her original plan

to FORCE me to do what I said I wouldn't do

I don't WANT to abandon her 

BUT 

she's made it CLEAR 

there is NO WAY to deal with her 

SO

I guess we are doing THIS stupid b*llsh*t

I'm FINE with making her FACE consequences 

& she's NOT senile demented

SHE hasn't called or texted

BUT the hospital did call checking her in

at like midnight 

& I KINDA wonder how she managed to make it be SO LATE 

I watched some videos on the shadow

& then I'm talking to myself --

I forgive you for needing to get involved with her at ALL 

I forgive you for needing to get to the point where she proved she doesn't care about you at ALL 

ONLY wants to USE me

I KNEW all THAT 

I really DID but somehow I JUST 

COULD NOT believe it 

I thought there HAD to be

SOMETHING in there

SOMETHING that LOVED me

BUT 

NO

it was foolish 

I'm sorry I made you go through that

& I don't know what parts of myself I'm afraid of 

I KNOW I had that whole existential crisis 

when I realized I wasn't sure 

I might not SNAP 

I don't necessarily even think 

I'm THAT nice of a person 

ANYMORE 

I'm not looking for people to help 

I'm not interested in taking on

OTHER people's STUFF 

I just want to 

PROTECT myself 

HEAL my nervous system 

find out what makes me happy 

I can't do that

FIGHTING 

CONSTANT psy-op battles

& the ONLY way to not

is to HOLD my

BOUNDARIES 

shadow work

SO

I'm watching videos on SHADOW WORK 

& there's a journal question section 

1. what parts of yourself do you dislike

2. what parts of yourself do you judge

3. what parts of yourself do you fear

I feel like I talk about 1 & 2 a LOT 

do I ever talk about 3 -- like EVER

do I FEAR anything about myself 

I'm not sure that I do

I'm not saying I don't have FEAR -- I got plenty 

it's FEAR PARTS

I'm having trouble thinking of

hard day

well

maybe you remember that I called her yesterday 

& told her she needed to call all those people 

& make sure they had her phone number 

well

today they were calling me 

& I gave them her number 

BUT 

I went to her apartment to take her her stuff

PLUS I wasn't sure if her walker was in the car 

I KNEW 

when they called 

she had not abandoned her plan

her plan was to try to force me to be her caregiver by a fait accomplis

which is WHY 

I refused to 

HELP

BUT 

she didn't need to get their number 

because she never intended to use their service 

SO

I took in her stuff 

& I could tell she was there because her lights were different 

SO

I was calling out to her that I was dropping off stuff 

& she's LIKE 

I can't hear you

SO

I went into her bedroom 

& she was on the 

FLOOR 

I TOLD her the stuff again 

& then turned to LEAVE 

DON'T YOU WALK AWAY from ME

I can't lift you

& your phone is in your hand

NOW

she didn't say anything to me when I talked on speaker phone with the case worker 

she didn't call or text

& she didn't call or text whenever she got on the FLOOR 

she's didn't call out when I opened the door

& she didn't say anything about it 

she just called out to me

that she couldn't hear me

I don't think she was on the FLOOR until she heard me come in

& I don't think 

DON'T WALK AWAY from ME

is the tone you use when

you are hoping to get help

are relieved to SEE someone 

WHY NOT 

I asked 

we have to talk

WHAT do we have to talk ABOUT 

well money for one thing

NO, I say, I don't want to talk about money

I TOLD you 

I was trying to HEAL our relationship 

I TOLD you

I wasn't going to BE your caregiver 

I tried for FIVE YEARS and I'm DONE 

there is NO healing our relationship 

YOU made it CLEAR that 

I am not allowed to have boundaries 

the ONLY thing I am allowed to do 

is be your SLAVE 

I TOLD you I was trying to heal our relationship and you were SO HORRIBLE to me

gaslighting and manipulating 

if I come up with a way to keep you safe

you WON'T co-operate 

I DON'T NEED clarification 

I didn't think it was safe for you to be here

I WANTED you to go to an assisted living situation where you would be SAFE 

& YOU chose to come HERE 

call 911

or call the home health care

I can't lift you

& I said I wasn't going to have anything to do with it 

I don't know WHY your here

at no point 

did she ask for help 

at no point did she seem in distress 

it seemed super FAKE 

& she hasn't texted or called since either

I DID make sure she had the home health number

I don't know what she expected 

BUT 

I don't think it was any of THAT 

& I really KNEW 

this was going to be

HARDCORE manipulation when I had the dream 

I KNEW she would do THIS 

BUT 

I tried to make it as HARD as possible 

there was NO middle ground 

good morning sweetheart January 28th

I saw something else I have a strong impulse to buy for you

SO

I'm not sure if that's just

IMPULSE 

OR

some sort of psychic link

& you are very 
COLD

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

& are NOT 

NEEDING a heavy coat RIGHT NOW 

I dreamed I was in a building 

& someone called in a

BOMB threat

I probably shoulda BEEN SLEEP

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

& I wish we were

HIGH

in a really comfortable bed

in a cool hotel room 

SNOGGING 

thoughts January 27th

well

the earlier and through mid-afternoon 

part of today

I got texts and phone calls

from possibly people trying to reach my mom

BECAUSE 

when she checked herself in to the REHAB facility

she ONLY gave them my phone number 

& I guess she didn't bother to correct it

when she was setting everything up 

SO

EVERYBODY is trying to reach ME

SO

the people who texted

I'm LIKE 

WRONG number 

BUT 

the one who called I let go to voicemail 

& for some reason it wouldn't show the number

USUALLY it would 

SO

I texted & called her case worker 

& SAID 

could you please make sure everyone has HER number 

THEN

I texted her

BUT 

I decided since she was supposed to confirm stuff TODAY I would call her

SO

I called her & SAID 

HEY

you need to call everyone and give them

YOUR number 

you only gave the hospital mine

PEOPLE are calling to confirm stuff

she's LIKE 

can't you just give them

my number 

NO

they called voicemail 

didn't leave a number & I couldn't bring it up 

then I hung up

THEN

I spent some time 

grappling with

WHAT

I might be willing to do 

& how long a transition 

& WHY I'm so fixated on keeping her safe

whether it all just comes down to 

CONDITIONING 

OR

societal norms

& THEN

I ordered pizza

DRANK margaritas

& watched stand-up comedy 

Ali Wong x2, Trevor Noah, Fortune Feimster

I'm trying to remember the wording

something about 

SOUL contracts

& coming through the other side

lessons you sent yourself 

here to learn

additional thoughts January 27th

THIS 

was the conversation I had with my mother 

BEFORE we went to the ER 

after she did her FIRST 

what I believe to be

FAKE FALL 

I was making her walk around with a walker

& get up and down out of her chair 

TRYING to get her to STRENGTHEN her legs

& trying to access her condition 

which honestly SEEMED FINE 

I thought it was a LARGELY psychosomatic 

reaction to the stress of making a decision about the heart surgery that was looming 

she had an appointment with the surgeon 

I TOLD her AGAIN 

BECAUSE 

she was being very closed mouthed about her

FEAR

but very LOUD about how she wasn't 

willing to do what I was trying to 

get her to DO

to build her strength back up

EXCERPT --

what I've been trying to do here

is rebuild our relationship 

you can't do anything about what happened in the past, but you CAN CHANGE what you do from here on out

I never look at my life and say

I WISH this or that had happened 

NOT REALLY 

because I ALWAYS do the best I can with the information and abilities I have in the situation 

I LIKE who I AM

& I wouldn't CHANGE who I AM

& I wouldn't BE this person 

if things had happened 

DIFFERENTLY 

SO

I'm NOT saying 

I want you to have been different in the PAST

BUT 

I HAVE been trying to HEAL THINGS 

& THIS TIME 

is what we have LEFT 

SO

WHAT DO you WANT to DO with the rest of your LIFE -- what would the EXTRA time you might get from the surgery mean to you

WHAT would you DO with it 

& do you have 

ANYTHING 

you want to talk about 

hangover January 27th

I dreamed 

I was in some KINDA cool place

there were people who 

dressed in fun & interesting ways

there were places to go 

things to do

& people were mostly young and friendly and open minded

wherever this place was

it was just immediately great

& people worked together on even the smallest things

in a way that caught my attention 

& didn't really make sense to me 

UNTIL 

I realized 

periodically 

we had to run away from monsters

I don't know what kind of monsters

& I don't really remember the specifics & details 

AND

TODAY

I feel 

different 

I'm having an emotion

that I can't quite 

quantify

I've really been trying though

it's related to the realization 

that there isn't any love in there at all

NOTHING strong enough to counter-balance

my unwilling-ness to CAVE to HER gaping NEED

to control me

it's closest to when I found out 

there were NO native americans in my family tree

THAT

KINDA broke me

THAT felt like

finding out you're a REPLICANT

this doesn't feel like THAT 

not that INTENSE 

BUT 

it IS pretty disorientating 

LIKE 

I knew she didn't love me

I KNEW she didn't think of me as HUMAN 

I knew it

BUT 

SOMEHOW 

I guess I didn't know it ENOUGH 

& I'm STILL surprised 

ONE THING she SAID that's running through my HEAD right now:

I thought I was a GOOD mother

I thought I RAISED you RIGHT

maybe I wasn't as good as I THOUGHT 

MY MOTHER was VERY CONTROLLING 

& I didn't want to be like HER

SO

I GUESS 

MAYBE 

I went TOO FAR in the OTHER DIRECTION 

she is LITERALLY 

TELLING ME 

that 

MY ONLY 

LIFE OPTION 

is to become her

CAREGIVER 

& she will no longer do for herself 

ANYTHING 

& that she will NOT listen to my

HELP

or ADVICE 

or DIRECTION 

that ANY system I try to set up for her

for her protection 

she will try to

THWART

& the ONLY way I can maintain it

is to watch her like a hawk

& then she will be verbally abusive to me 

THAT

is her definition of 

TOO LENIENT 

update January 26th

my mom's case manager called me back 

I called her at nine thirty & left another message 

she didn't call back until noonish 

I told her my thoughts again 

& then she went to talk to my mom

she didn't call back until 

four forty-five 

SO

I'm SURE she helped my mom with her 

healthcare choices

BUT 

she's LIKE 

I have mom here on speaker phone

mom is going home with home health 

I'm LIKE 

& she's got transportation 

yes we arranged that

that's great I say

thank you very much 

mom says nothing 

she still hasn't texted me

& I'm getting excited that she might have quit me

although I suspect 

I won't be that lucky

I also suspect there could be issues 

that my mom didn't mention 

or plan for

& I'm not sure what problems could arise 

then a few minutes later 

her case worker calls me

thinking it's my mom

because THAT is the ONLY phone number 

any of these people seem to have 

I give her the right number 

I give the physical therapy people her number 

this evening has been quite 

January 26th

AND

if I am tempted to feel BAD 

I'm reminding myself 

when my therapist's mother

who he SUPER loved

was

DYING 

they asked her where she wanted to go for her final less than a month

&

she said 

she wanted to spend it in her daughter's 

guest room looking out over the water

these are rich people 

with resources to 

HIRE care

she wasn't being asked to be a caregiver 

just make her guest room available 

& she said

NO

you don't LIVE HERE 

which I thought

was cruel 

BUT 

none of them thought it was even unusual 

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

MIGHT get a call at NINE

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP 

pollyanna pattern

I THINK it

MUST be 

a julie andrews thing

it's mary poppins tonight

JUST a SPOON 

full of sugar helps the medicine go down 

in the most 

de-LIGHT-ful 

way

OR

am I meant to be noticing 

a POLLYANNA pattern 

MARY POPPINS

wasn't really all that sweet

-- not in the books --

but julie andrews played it pretty sweet 

I really liked her MOVIES when I was a kid

I've ALWAYS been 

into MOVIES

I don't go to the movies much 

ANYMORE 

thoughts on mom January 25th

I don't know if I can 

just walk away 

either

I'm not sure 

HOW 

I get

her safely safe

BUT 

I don't think safely safe

happens

if I walk

AWAY 

BUT 

I'm not sure 

HOW 

NOT 

to walk away

I can't wait to see what I do

January 25th

I'm sorry 

I feel like I'm being dramatic 

BUT 

I don't see how I can even be around her

anymore 

I haven't told you everything 

& I mean 

I handled it all at the time

BUT 

I just feel like it's 

BROKEN 

irreparably 

I don't want her to be in an unsafe situation 

BUT 

I don't think I can stand her

ANYMORE 

we went through TOO MUCH gaslighting 

TOO MUCH 

WATCHING her

JUST throw everything at me

TRYING to HARDCORE manipulate me 

JUST the level of f*CKing with me and NOT GIVING a sh*t AT ALL about me

I don't expect her to be grateful 

BUT I would sort of expect

her to CARE a little bit 

BUT 

NO

PLUS 

I maybe SAID too much 

being FACED with 

HOW I feel about her

MAYBE it's just too much 

WHY couldn't she just be happy with what I could do, without killing myself 

without losing myself 

I TOLD her every step of the WAY 

I wouldn't be her caregiver 

COULD NOT be 

BUT 

she won't be satisfied 

AND

she did the nasty thing she DOES when she ENDS friendships the CONTEMPTUOUS 

voice & look & whatever

& I just feel like she only cares about using me

I don't feel even a little bit of the shadow of a little girl playing with her doll kind of love

JUST HATE

& I can't get it out of my mind

I don't WANT to be her daughter anymore 

I just want away from her

I don't want to buy groceries for her

I don't want to take her to doctor appointments 

I don't want anything to do with her

this doesn't SEEM mature

BUT 

she isn't SAFE for me

she's a f*CKing HATE BOMB

THIS 

is MORE

ALREADY than I can tolerate

I don't want to SEE her again

I don't want to ever do anything else for her

AND

AGAIN I say

THAT seems dramatic 

BUT 

I didn't love her before

& I don't hate her

or resent her

I wish her well

BUT 

I don't want anything to do with her

she's TOO 

TOXIC

& I know it's maybe wrong to leave her to fend for herself, but 

this last BIT just

isn't old business 

it's new business 

& NO

January 25th

does that seem harsh

I love you

I know I haven't been much fun

I'm really sorry 

this final boss fight is 

HARD

please take good care of yourself 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart and I want you to be well 

& I don't know how much I contribute to that

BUT 

I feel like I have been pretty out of commission 

I finally texted my therapist 

I told him I was having trouble with my mom 

that I was supposed to pick her up & take her home Tuesday 

SO

probably Tuesday wasn't happening 

BUT 

that I was not really sure what my finances were going to be & I wasn't sure if I could afford therapy but that I'd let him know 

when I had a clearer idea

I've decided 

I'm going to tell her case worker

that I'm not willing to pick her up & take her home

BECAUSE 

I don't think it's safe for her to live alone 

& she was completely unwilling to have any discussion about what kind of

support care she was going to arrange 

OR

the possibility of going to an assisted living situation for the rest of her outpatient p/t

& that I feel like picking her up

taking her home 

would be enabling an unsafe decision 

that she's a grown woman who makes her own decisions and I respect that, but I can't in good conscience support it

I think her plan

is to get home

& then expect me to be her caregiver 

which I've told her 

AGAIN & AGAIN 

that I'm not gonna do

I don't want to be in a situation where she is calling me and I have to ignore her

or go over and say

NO

OR

have her fake fall & start the whole process 

OVER again 

I am happy to help her 

get her situation 

figured out 

BUT 

she isn't willing to do that 

I don't want to have to 

ABANDON an old woman 

BUT I'm not going to let her just vampire feed on me either 

if it's her or me

I pick me

she hasn't texted me, btw

SO

MAYBE 

she's done with me

BUT 

I think that's wishful thinking 

she has said SO MUCH sh*t that is rolling around my HEAD 

it's like NEW trauma 

& it's gonna be hard to forget

it ALMOST hurts worse that she understands me SO LITTLE that she THINKS this stuff would work on me

it's all about 

CONTROL for her

not even the actual stuff 

just MAKING ME DO

she's really a SAD little VOID looking to be filled with some sense that power over others makes her important 

which would feel more sympathetic if she wasn't trying to feed on me

January 25th

well

somebody called me from the facility 

am I aware of the tuesday release

I'm LIKE 

I got a phone message about it 

although she couldn't DO ANYTHING 

NOT ANYTHING 

while I was watching 

she has now met

ALL the markers for being released 

she can walk FIFTY FEET with the walker

she can get in and out of the car

supposedly

I'm LIKE 

I don't think she's SAFE to live alone 

SHE is in charge of her

MEDICAL DECISIONS 

BUT 

you keep calling me 

what I want is for her to go into an assisted living 

at least until she finishes her outpatient p/t

I tried to talk to her about it 

& she refused to engage 

she did apparently authorize the outpatient p/t

that comes to her home

BUT 

I'm LIKE 

is it really your opinion that she can live

without help

she's LIKE 

don't you live close

I'm LIKE 

I live close enough to go by and check on her

OCCASIONALLY 

I am NOT able to be a caregiver 

that is not realistic 

& I'm reasonably certain 

she has not planned for people to come in to care for her

I can't make her do anything 

BUT 

HAVE YOU TALKED to HER

she's LIKE 

do you have HER number 

because I ONLY have 

YOURS

SO

I gave it to her

she said she was going to call her 

& her regular case worker 

would call me tomorrow 

not feeling talkative January 24th

I'm sorry 

I don't think I'm gonna be talk-y 

TODAY

I'm worried about how this is all gonna go down 

she's nasty

& MUCH crazier than ME 

SO

I'm not sure what to expect 

I'm trying to 

MAINTAIN 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

reframe

I changed it slightly 

I called and left a message 

with her case worker 

I got your message yesterday 

that you are releasing her 

TUESDAY 

I DO NOT believe she is SAFE to live BY HERSELF 

I DO NOT SUPPORT any plan to move her back into her apartment 

I want her in some kind of assisted living where she will be SAFE

she is IN CHARGE of HER OWN medical decisions 

& I have been unable to CONVINCE her on assisted living

I would appreciate any assistance you can give me to help with THIS 

this reframes it as being about HER SAFETY 

which is TRUE 

AND

ANY REASONS for ANYTHING ELSE are NOT REALLY RELEVANT to the situation 

sleep is good January 24th

OK

this is where I come down 

I was happy to help her

set up a system 

where she could live independently 

I was happy to help her

find an assisted living situation 

where she could be safe with people to care for her

the ONLY form of assistance she is prepared to accept from me

is one where I assume all responsibility for her life and care

THAT

is not an option 

& she has

KNOWN 

that is not an option 

SO

I'm afraid I can no longer be involved 

I haven't listened to the messages

I haven't called back yet 

BUT 

I think 

this is the ONLY way to approach it 

goodnight

I'm tense

I'm gonna meditate 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

song in my HEAD

I had doe a dear a female dear

Ray a drop of golden sun

I mean 

WHOLE SONG 

I feel like 

it could hit different ways

julie andrews 

vocal music 

n*zis

watching it with my father & brother

songs I used to love to sing

when I was a kid

what is it trying to tell me 

the SONG in my HEAD 

January 24th

OK

I'm just spinning spinning spinning 

I gotta SNAP OUT of it

& the news

& HOW am I EXPRESSING this

I probably need to get

some l-theanine 

I missed my

NIGHT dose

I got this five step plan for INFJ brains that SOUNDS genius 

I'm totally trying it

this realization 

was one of the STEPS 

take 30 second physical check-ins

& I realized 

I was

BECOMING 

overwrought or overloaded or something 

I forgot the propolis ointment TOO 

let me take care of THAT 

it was a weird day January 23rd

I didn't remember any of my dreams 

I got up

I drank coffee 

I usually drink the laird maca latte

because it's instant & has all that stuff I'm trying to get in me

THEN

I'm usually switching to the coffee cherry tea

I remembered that I had three hard boiled eggs left in the refrigerator 

I mashed those up

+ nutritional yeast 

+ MCT c-8 instead of mayonnaise 

+ the volume of an EGG of leftover TOFU cooked in the brown sauce

+ extra spicy Dijon mustard 

I bought a bunch of bread

it was KINDA an assertive egg salad

BUT 

OK, ya KNOW 

I WALKED OVER 

checked her mail & COLD-pocalypse proofed

I decided not to drive her car

BUT 

I did drive MINE 

the facility called me three times

& I didn't answer 

I haven't listened to the voicemail yet 

I need to be confident in how I'm handling it 

& I'm not YET 

I can't elaborate on THAT because I can't articulate what's happening 

it's some kind of 

HARDCORE 

& I tried not to ruminate 

BUT 

I'm not sure how successful I was

late late night/morning

I need to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope I dream about you 

TONIGHT 

not interested in "best daughter" prize January 22/23 late thursday early friday

I went to the store 

BOUGHT extra WATER 

& STUFF 

people behaving badly 

empty shelves

then I filled up my gas tank

then I said wtf and went to spec's & bought

TEQUILA 

I'm going to my mom's apartment tomorrow 

check her mail

leave the water drip

turn on the heater to idk forty-five, maybe 

it's currently completely OFF

I MIGHT drive her car

I might drive mine some more

I contemplated

should I go check in with the doctors

or therapists

& here's where I came down

I don't want to see her

if she isn't willing to do what she can to help herself with the fluid retention 

& I do not have ANY BUSINESS even asking her

THEN

I guess I don't need to be getting up

& dragging myself down there

wearing out my knees

stressing myself 

worrying about 

trying to do

WHAT I can to move the needle 

she's SAFE there

& she'll do MORE for the therapists if she's not 

showing ME how decrepit she is

SO

I don't SEE any compelling reason to go

for her benefit 

& I don't WANT to 

SO

NOT GOING 

then of course it won't be safe to go 

saturday, sunday, or monday 

BECAUSE 

ICE

stay home UNLESS you HAVE to be there 

& I don't 

maybe she'll freak out 

MAYBE she won't notice

it makes no difference to me 

thoughts January 22nd

on my facebook it had one of those

on this day thing-y

ABOUT 

how my mom USED to TELL people 

& I just realize 

NOT 

JUST GUYS

how I was eleven

& she was thirteen when she had me

UNTIL I was

SIXTEEN 

& that I was trying to EXPLAIN 

that she was JUST 

MAKING herself 

SOUND

like a slut

BUT 

I think I see NOW 

she was

FLIRTING 

& perhaps 

TRYING to be

FUNNY 

& getting a RISE out of me

I'm not sure WHY I was saying that on January 22nd 2014 or whatever

BUT 

I hadn't thought about that in a while 

morning after long sleep January 22nd

I was hanging out

with a guy I used to work with 

& he was saying that if I wanted friends 

I needed to be more open

I was living in my car

which was my old Buick

with kind of a box built around it

I was digging through the back seat

trying to find some pants

BECAUSE 

I was wearing a long shirt 

that kinda barely covered my butt

& we were going to

an amusement park 

there was also 

BEFORE that

some small town party

at a lodge or something & I think there was important information 

BUT 

I don't remember 

at the park there was a machine

where hot dogs were swimming 

& then you pulled it out

& SOMEHOW 

it was the best hot dog ever

which didn't make any sense & we talked about how it didn't 

then we met up with some girl I knew

who was really happy that I was OUT doing things with people 

& who thought my car house was cool

BUT 

I didn't really understand 

WHY

for either of those things

there was also a part

MAYBE before any of that

I was working for starbucks 

& I called headquarters 

& I was hesitant about what I was calling about 

I KNEW, I think 

BUT 

I wasn't articulating it fast enough 

& they're LIKE 

you must be calling in the numbers 

& I'm LIKE 

OH

I just started BACK 

after years

I don't have the numbers handy

I'm gonna have to call you back 

I wish I could remember more of the lodge

I think it was LIKE a holiday celebration or something 

musicians, and writers, creatives

& we were all running into each other

& KINDA catching up 

I think there was a group dinner

& the showing

of someone's 

MOVIE 

that I hadn't seen yet

they were all pretty nice vignettes

even the Starbucks one

although 

I can't remember why that one was so nice

I think it was KINDA 

in a beautiful resort area

& MAYBE 

some people I miss were there

NONE of it

was as VISUALLY interesting as the 

BLUE house 

& NONE of it

was as WONDERFUL as you holding ME 

& I'm SURE there was MORE I can't remember 

BUT 

it was ALL pretty good 

& I feel CALMER than when I went to sleep 

BUT 

it was at least sixteen hours of sleep 

night January 21st

I was just asleep 

I had a headache and I just went to bed 

I woke up with 

contretemps prendu

in my head

the phrase, that is

BUT 

I dreamed about some house

someone was moving out of it

& it had some amazing 

decor

which was ALL

SUPER BLUE

I also dreamed 

you and I were walking 

in a slightly wooded area

you were behind me

with your arms

KINDA

wrapped around me

& I was rubbing my face

against the inside of your right bicep

it was VERY comforting 

I'm going back to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

January 21st afternoon

I'm sorry 

I know this is not interesting 

BUT 

I need to talk about it 

I've been fighting to try to get them to increase her diuretics because she is hella swollen 

I have been advocating in other ways as well

BUT 

they don't seem to want to increase them

they are cutting her fluids

which ALSO works

BUT 

she doesn't 

LIKE it

SO

she's been asking for water from as many separate people as she can

SO

they can't track it

& the woman just came in to take her food orders for tomorrow 

& she's ordering double beverages for every meal

I'm LIKE 

you're on liquids restriction 

she's LIKE 

if they are REALLY monitoring it 

they won't send it

I'm LIKE 

are you REALLY trying to GAME a system that is in place for your protection 

SHE doesn't NEED to be a part of our ARGUMENT 

she says

we aren't having an argument 

I say

I'm just asking for clarification 

YOU don't NEED clarification 

she says

SO

I pack up my stuff 

SAY

I'm not coming tomorrow 

& WALK OUT 

NOW

MAYBE 

this makes me look psychotic to the dietician 

which I'm SORRY if it made her

UNCOMFORTABLE 

BUT 

WHATEVER 

MAYBE 

someone will

RESCUE her from ME 

I wasn't planning on going tomorrow anyway 

I WAS planning on going 

FRIDAY 

BUT 

I'm rethinking THAT 

C*NTY McC*NTFACE is a C*NT

January 21st morning

I'm awake 

& THAT 

was no small feat

I'm showered

I'm dressed

I'm about to have

COFFEE 

I've got 

I've just seen a face

stuck in my HEAD 

& I've already decided that I'm not going tomorrow or over the weekend 

MAYBE FRIDAY 

I need to monitor her care

BUT 

my actual presence 

SEEMS 

to make her

WORK

less effectively 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

goodnight January 20th

I'm going to sleep 

I feel like I 

should

talk to the doctors

I really don't want to talk about TODAY 

it WAS 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope everything is 

BEAUTIFUL 

for you

I just saw there's a big COLD-pocalypse coming 

it looks like the BAD part is gonna be NORTH

BUT 

I still have to WORRY about the GRID

they didn't mention 

MAYBE 

it's EAST of you

January 20th mom 2

she told the OT

if you ever have a daughter 

just give her AWAY

at BIRTH

she's a toddler, basically 

January 20th

whole lot of here comes the sun this morning 

and a little bit of starry starry night 

on the Uber to the facility 

they brought her schedule 

& it starts at

ELEVEN

&

ends at 

THREE

SO

I'm in for a longer haul than I thought 

& I'm disordered/exhausted 

to start with 

UGH

she's talking to me 

gotta go

goodnight sweetheart January 19th

the case worker at the facility said 

I should really be there

tomorrow to talk to her

physical therapists

they start at 8 am

SO

I have to get up at ungodly early hours 

she was weird today

I am uncomfortable about all of this

I'm going to try to sleep 

I'm already in bed 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I had buddy holly in my HEAD 

TODAY 

I realized I can't go to therapy anyway 

SO

I just texted him why I can't 

BUT 

I probably still need to tell him

I'm not ready to continue 

I wish I was giving you a big hug

YOU 

are 

MAGIC 

monday January 19th

YES

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I was surprised the world still had anything to do with us after dubya & all the STUFF 

billy bragg

wrote a thing I read

about

HOW disorganized & chaotic these bad guys are

& how America is at it's 

BEST

when we're proving that we can be

aligned with our ideals

we don't always stand up for but sometimes DO

we've beaten the like of this

BEFORE 

& he got a lot of people telling him 

he's naive 

& felt the need to edit 

I was reading post edit

SO

I'm not sure what he changed

AND

I've given up thinking I can predict elections

BUT 

I don't believe 

that EVIL will triumph 

BUT 

I believe 

LESS than I EVER have 

that we ever actually 

BEAT anything 

I think we've ONLY 

MAYBE 

kept it at bay

BUT 

THIS here NOW 

is the best group of white people we've ever had

in terms of believing in IDEALS vs PARADIGM 

AGAIN 

MAYBE 

& I don't believe EVIL will win

BUT 

I've got 

DOUBT

& I wish I didn't 

BUT 

the way they are going about things

is the DUMB way

& it has given me

HOPE 

that they won't manage to pull it off

but geez 

it's a WEIRD version of HOPE 

goodnight sweetheart sunday january 18th

I STILL haven't 

contacted my therapist 

I need to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I hope everything is beautiful where you are

hope to see you in dreamland 

TONIGHT 

thoughts Sunday January 18th

I maybe had TOO MUCH caffeine 

regardless

I had

ANXIETY 

not extreme 

BUT 

I'm not stressing about all the

THINGS

I want to be on top of

it's a fair number of moving parts

& I'm not stressing about it 

BUT 

I think some

ANXIETY 

just, ya KNOW, bubbled UP 

I watched little pieces

some skin care

some fountain pen 

SOMETHING else -- I can't remember 

BUT 

if it gets where I'm not paying attention 

I SWITCH it 

& I'm switching a fair amount 

I haven't needed to take ibuprofen for my knee

I'm taking chlorella 

STILL 

or AGAIN, since I missed a DAY

& I stopped taking the

VEGAN omega3 & astaxthin 

SO

I need to get THAT back up & running 

I saw a thing

MICHELLE Obama

is maybe 

running for president 

& I have FEELS about it 

whether it's true 

or not

I don't like the dynasty vibe

I don't LIKE 

that he didn't walk any of it 

BACK 

after 
W

I LIKE

HER

I liked them, I like him

& I guess it got me thinking about 

the way THINGS have been 

GOING 

&

she GAVE him 

HER nobel prize

& I guess that's part of what brought about

something about guantanamo bay and something bout all these cows 

I'm trying to find 

the balance 

where I'm NOT freaking out 

AM I supposed to let myself FEEL 

ANY of what's going on 

I'm NOT SURE if I 

REALLY do

that I can 

HANDLE it

TOFU Sunday January 18th

I have a new tofu recipe 

I used to make this

tofu scramble 

modification from the vegan cool girl -- I can't remember her name -- isa Chandra Moskowitz

BUT 

pretty modified 

SO

I wanted to see if I could do it with the EARTH

it's like a brown gravy

KINDA

FIRM TOFU

cooked in some MCT c-8 

+ nutritional yeast 

+ EARTH

+ a spoon of bone broth concentrate 

+ a splash of vegetable broth 

+ a big squeeze of 

GARLIC PASTE 

I was pretty

pleased

it's cold

here

tarot synchronicity

OH

& I did a reading today

WHAT

I said, is the purpose of my life 

& it said 

THREE of WANDS

EMPRESS 

THREE of PENTACLES 

three threes

more thoughts

OH

AND

something about guantanamo bay

& something bout all these cows

SO

maybe I'm doing some

american retrospective 

wandering minds

move around 

goodnight sweetheart

that line

in a land of half a billion guns

no where to turn to

no where to 

RUN

has been running through my HEAD 

& the DEVIL was a PRO

which is from an older song that had some similar configurations

& some other

thoughts about you

I'm kinda surprised I didn't write anything 

I thought about you 

OFF and ON all day and

what you might 

be doing

I need to go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having fun 

meeting new

FRIENDS 

you are 

MAGIC 

slightly weird day

I decided 

NEXT WEEK 

might be kinda stressful 

I slept LATE 

TODAY

then I didn't do much 

I tried some

variations on soup

which

honestly 

we're not completely successful 

I'm experimenting with 

what spices work best with the healthforce nutritionals EARTH 

it has this slightly minty flavor 

which I THINK comes with the red clover

I'm overly sensitive to that flavor

I had very active DREAMS but I can't remember 

I watched a thing 

about the shroud of turin 

it was really interesting 

BUT 

un-vetted

LIKE 

who made this video & what are their credentials 

I didn't check

BUT 

it was fascinating 

I've never been very interested in the shroud 

I remember when they were studying it

BACK in the DAY

BUT 

I just didn't really 

CARE

this did all kind of DNA

all my feed is DNA now

the shroud

traveled 

it was

a traveling reliquary 

& it picked up

DNA

from people from all across the world

POLLEN

from thistles from the Israeli desert

some STORY 

about radiation burns -- or something 

biochemical explanations 

for the redness

of the blood

linen deterioration matching to masada 

I still don't know what I THINK about the shroud 

I MEAN 

if all of that is TRUE 

it MIGHT mean SOMETHING 

it SEEMS odd

that I still don't really CARE 

BUT 

I MEAN 

if jesus was

an alien or an embodied god

do you THINK he cares whether I'm worked up about his burial shroud

goodnight sweetheart

I need to sleep 

I don't really know what to say about today 

she's less psychotic 

since the place she is now

looks like a hospital 

instead of a nursing home 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

good morning sweetheart

I don't remember my dreams 

BUT 

I woke up

HAPPY 

good morning sweetheart 

I hope you have a beautiful day 🫶 

I keep thinking it, and thinking it's too silly to say -- you are my sunshine

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm going to bed

I'm going to 

DREAM about you 

hopefully 

ugh, gaslighting?

my mom

sucks

I was writing this whole long thing

BUT 

it's dumb

& I don't want to talk about it 

she just doesn't know 

HOW 

to talk to me

I'm LIKE 

you could TRY making sense 

there is a circle 

of all my knowledge 

WHAT 

do you want to do with it 

WHAT 

does that MEAN 

well

it's SO BASIC

if you don't understand 

I DON'T EVEN KNOW 

WHAT to TELL you 

was the LAST sentence of a charming two and a half hour session 

OK

well

TRY to think of another way to say it

because THAT doesn't make any sense 

I don't know why today

I bought this for him LIKE seven years ago

TODAY

he decided he would TRY it

good morning sweetheart

people don't make sense 

when I was asking for information 

everybody told me

I didn't NEED 

to be 

INVOLVED with the transfer 

then before I had even left town monday 

the social worker is calling me 

can you pop by and sign the discharge papers 

she signed herself in

she's in charge of herself 

they would just

RATHER DEAL with ME

I need the pharmacy info 

it's the Walgreens at San Felipe and blah blah

I don't know the number

SHE has it in her phone 

BUT 

it's the ONLY Walgreens at that address 

I'm OUT of town 

& I wasn't YET but I didn't CARE 

then yesterday 

I didn't get the calls or texts

BUT 

the woman at the REHAB is calling to arrange

TIMES

I'm LIKE 

I don't understand these questions 

I specifically ASKED if I needed to be involved 

I was TOLD 
NO

but now I'm being asked things like I've got something to do with it 

I guess 

since I was trying to find out what was happening before, suddenly I'm in the loop

people don't make much sense 

BUT 

she will be getting three hours a day of REHAB 

SO

I imagine she will improve 

FASTER

man, she won't like it though

that's a LOT of work 

& she doesn't like to work 

I had a driving adventure

I'm pretty tired 

I took a weird alternate way home

when my cell reconnected 

I did a map search 

& I took

FM 487

79 & 36 (which, as it happens, turns into 290)

SO

my entire trip home was like

six & a half hours

BUT 

no traffic 

I have to return the car in the morning 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

you are MAGIC 

idk whether you were curious or not

I enjoyed this hotel

morning picture from earlier that wouldn't post then

good morning sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

for the record 

I love the king of the world song

my subconscious was

NOT 

warning me off

forest fires

which it just occurred to me that you MIGHT think

I understood it to be that

FASCINATION 

with FIRE

I love a campfire or a fireplace 

michelle shocked had a great song about

the fascination with fire

& accidentally 

BURNING 

a field

BUT 

she was effectively enough cancelled that I can't find her stuff on YouTube 

I'm not sure what she did, but I was pretty into her back in the day

that campfire songs

recorded on a walkman at kerrville 

with the crickets and tire wheel sounds

when I saw her at rockefellers 

I could tell she had some

emotional/psychological problems 

& I guess those bit her in the ass

BUT 

she was a good storyteller 

please be safe out there sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

geographic dislexia and cell outage is sub-optimal

I had a phone issue 

I took a detour to 

WACO

I'm not sure

HOW 

I hope you're doing better than me 

BUT 

I'm FINE

only my pride is hurt

I was sure I could negotiate 

BASIC freeways

thoughts

I gotta sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm sorry I can't go to

florida 

even though I don't like the residents much

I fell asleep 

I woke up 

hours later

& posted

this

thoughts

I generally get

have for most of my life

well, you're from the noth-east, right

I think because I talk, generally, pretty fast

I use "big words"

& I'm nasal-y

I find this

slightly surprising

because I say ya'll a pretty fair amount 

& FIXIN' TO which is in no way

north-east

ALSO

use to be SIR now it's MISS

p.s.

the fleece lined pant

was like

a texas easter egg

thoughts

when I was a kid

I saw plays

I went to the alley theater

miller outdoor theater

I thought I understood theater

at least in so far as

the general staging and whatnot 

KINDA

what to expect

MAYBE 

would be a better way to put it

THEN 

I saw something 

DOWNSTAIRS

on the small stage -- in the round

& it was different 

the play was still a play

I don't even THINK 

it was interactive 

but 

the in the round -ness was enough

to turn the paradigm on it's 

HEAD

SEVENTEEN MONTHS in the MAKING 

it's LIKE 

a WHOLE different 

I hope I wasn't too weird 

I had SO MUCH 

FUN

& it may be 

WRONG to say this

it MIGHT be 

the pitch hitting 

took on this

LITERALLY 

competitive 

ENERGY 

& that first guy

he was good 

in the way you might expect

someone in austin coming out of the crowd

could easily be 

BUT THEN

I saw you talking to him earlier 

from across the room

he was amazing

in a completely different way 

who else ya got

INDEED 

resonates 

AND

it seemed so

natural and synchonistic and like it wasn't planned and yet couldn't have been 

BETTER 

nice

good morning

I got up

I went back to bed

I'm trying to 

decide if I need to get dressed and go get coffee 

or if I can just get ready 

& then get coffee 

I guess I've been awake like an hour

BUT 

I'm just staggering around 

BUT 

I took supplements and drank a can of water

I remember when I would have demanded I go out and have fun

rather than stay in and try to get emotionally 

REGULATED

as much as possible 

& MAYBE 

I should be going OUT 

walking around 

I haven't got that stuff all figured out yet 

I am enjoying the room

I don't feel like 

more moving sound making elements are desirable until I get to the part where

they are the ones

I am preparing for 

& that

is my plan

be human

be myself 

be loving to myself 

recover

BUT 

I also want coffee 

this outfit I'm sleeping in 

is a completely 

covering

get up

if I were at a Hampton inn or whatever 

I would throw on a jacket and 

go get coffee from the 

lobby

this seems like too far

which doesn't make 

SENSE 

you are magic

I have all this emotion

AM I coherent 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

doing different things

AND

I'm never sure 

HOW 

to

express

the way I connect to things

SOMETIMES 

I am not

SURE 

is that meant to mean something 

or am I reading in

SOMETIMES 

I connect to bits

& they

MOVE me

greenland 

I feel I've done a poor job

of representing

& MAYBE 

that's because 

the thing I liked the MOST 

was hearing from you 

& then

it just goes off in all directions 

& by then

I probably didn't say the thing 

I dislike titles generally

I do feel kinda disconnected 

although I can't explain 

it's like

the bits are INTENSE 

but they don't FEEL integrated 

I had these loose ends

I couldn't quite handle 

did not respond to therapist 

WHAT was I gonna SAY 

BUt

I didn't 

RESPOND 

I got a text

CANCELLING 

& I can't take it seriously 

it just is already ABSTRACTED 

lucy reached out

I haven't responded 

I feel like it would be 

what I should

MAYBE do

BUT 

the gesture of reaching out 

is supposed to be 

to help 

& I think she is trying to help 

BUT 

I don't want to talk about it with her

I don't have the strength 

I cannot explain 

I feel like I 

SHOULD 

be able to explain 

I'm not convinced this is not

REALLY WEIRD 

that felt difficult

OK

I took l-theanine & ibuprofen 

I will not continue 

UNLESS you 

take the

chlorella 

OK

I WANT to FEEL better 

I took tumeric too

& the astaxthin

& this water

is adorable 

it's mystery source "purified" which is vague

plus electrolytes 

but it's FUNDING cleaning out

OCEAN plastic 

there's something I don't like 

about package design

BUT 

I don't know what it is

it's vaguely unsettling 

I'm doing some sort of meditative thing I think

there's a limited color palate

& it's one of those

BUNKHOUSE 

so it's like took an old motel 

TEXTURE 

& there's probably a name for it

I don't know what it is 

PLANTS

I let the bartender open a tab

I NEVER do that

it can become a problem 

EASILY 

& honestly it KINDA did

BUT 

honestly 

it was

FINE

& I went to the desk

do you sell water

I forgot water

we got FREE water

& that couldn't have worked out better

& NOW I'm trying to make myself 

take my chlorella 

because 

it will make me feel better 

BUT 

I really don't want to 

thoughts on hyper FOCUS

this car

is a different experience 

it's a Mazda

I test drove one of those

before I bought my

CURRENT 

CAR

there's something about it 

I got in the car

it's got one of those 

PUSH 

buttons

I hate those

I don't enjoy the push button experience 

& it triples my 

LOCK the KEYS in the CAR

ANXIETY 

I couldn't figure out the air-conditioning 

I'm LIKE 

I'll roll down the window -- a little 

I couldn't figure out the radio 

ANYWAY 

I tried to drive the speed limit

I read and re-read 

the directions 

I copied

from maps search

& I'm LIKE 

do you remember any of this 

from times you've driven 

BEFORE 

& NO 

nothing ever sticks

there are at LEAST two ways 

I've GONE and I NEVER 

KNOW 

which one is which

& TODAY

I took TOLL roads

& I don't think I've GONE this way before 

BUT 

I feel like there should be some 

OVERLAP

I couldn't find it 

I JUST DROVE 

there was a point I thought it might be electric*

it's a HYBRID 

*she just drops that in with no context

I SAW

something about charging 

& I had to run back

when you checked for gas cap release

it wasn't a weird new symbol 

WAS IT -- it was NOT 

SO

I didn't freak out 

which side was the gas cap on

you DIDN'T check THAT 

you ALWAYS check that

I think I just was in this 

FLOW STATE

& I don't know which things contributed

I didn't buy that car

because 

it was

UNCOMFORTABLE 

& I thought it was because 

I was TOO FAT

for the

TINY

CAR

BUT 

this thing is

BIG 

but it is ALL UP in my SPACE

the seatbelt cuts

I'm LIKE 

I got this touk

I wore cause it was inextricably 

FORTY FIVE DEGREES 

it's warmer now

I'm jamming it under the seat belt

it's got 

BLIND SPOTS 

it's all the headrests

which are somehow completely

WRONG for me

BUT 

I love the way the car feels 

it's the kind of thing 

that makes me

TURN it

back around 

MAYBE 

this is a BETTER 

POSTURE

& what it wrings in stress with the 

blind spots

it gives

BACK

with the back up camera

the intuitive side mirror adjustment 

the exact intuitive side sensor

BUT 

I'm not even sure 

my mind was wandering 

only a little bit lost

I'm very excited 

I of course got lost

BUT 

I got the talking directions to work 

& the woman checking me in

TOOK my information 

BUT 

then she was doing something else

reward points or something 

& she's LIKE 

what state was your ID from, OREGON?

I haven't been prouder

since someone in Freiburg asked me if I was from

FRANCE 

if I can get mistaken for 

CANADIAN 

it will make my year, eh

good morning

such great stuff 

you have been on fire

& I haven't properly 

said so

I'm in the throws of

ANXIETY 

about leaving the house 

BUT

I'm almost 

on the road 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

wild card, they won the wild card

I had a pretty good day 

I did laundry 

I planned better

I had thought

I'd just KINDA wing it old SKOOL rather than plan because that's all spontaneous 

BUT 

then I remembered 

THAT works better when you're wandering 

BUT 

the one place 

I had stayed there with mom once

the other place

seemed somewhat gratuitous tacky 

I couldn't get behind there were places 

they didn't seem limited 

I thought maybe 

there were other options not on the booking site

I was gonna see

TODAY'S eyes

SAID 

NO

not a good idea -- look again 

& I found

AGAIN 

the first place I had seen that went away 

& was more than I wanted 

BUT 

seemed like a place I would LIKE 

& the thing is

SOMETIMES 

a place can VIBE you into a mindset 

& this LAST BIT 

with my mom has been a little 

INTENSE

I took a chance with a cake

it was CALLED 

a Mardi gras cake 

BUT 

it wasn't a king cake 

& I don't KNOW 

WHAT is a Mardi gras cake 

it's got layers 

it's got

FLAVORS I can't identify 

in the m.g. colors

& in the icing

it had

SUGAR

on the sides large grains

colored LIKE blue-y green

& on TOP a crystal

FLAKE SUGAR 

it glittered like snow

& coffee

with powdered milk

I watched superman kinda because of my pen

BUT 

I noticed different things 

partly because 

small screen 

BUT 

honestly 

I think I've changed since I saw it

& I mean the context in which I'm watching it 

has ALSO changed 

I engaged with the "f*CKing b*tch" group trigger

but didn't really get triggered 

I got some birthday wishes 

& I enjoyed them

& I enjoyed 

CANADA 

& the pen is from canada 

& I used it for writing 

LISTS

I watched a handful of ---   keep it up cutie vids

she's a stand-up 

I really enjoy them

they don't SEEM like I'd like them

I never liked the

I'm good enough, smart enough, & gosh darn it people like me

HERS

are funny

BUT 

like hey

don't be thinking this is supposed to be 

like falling off a log

I'm not looking for validation 

BUT 

the I'm so frickin proud of you 

is like a replacement line

OR

just to add it into the 

CACOPHONY 

I enjoyed 

the whole process 

of choosing and planning and doing the things 

at my pace

I engaged with the ideas

without overthinking it 

without having to 

see myself 

inside 

it

I'm not sure that conveys the experience well

BUT 

I'm trying to get it

it feels detached 

BUT 

then I'm crying at superman

I don't have it all figured out 

I'm trying to remember to bend my knees

it was a good day 

BUT 

you can't see in my HEAD 

SO

I'm trying to 

DESCRIBE 

I gotta sleep though 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I feel like I'm not 

REALLY 

making any sense 

just little fragments 

I love those little houses 

I saw a thing about the bears

they were putting 

CHEESE GRATERS 

on their heads

I've seen the cheese hats

I've never seen the 

GRATERS 

I should have looked it up

I'll look it up now

probably an important 

GAME

why do I have the Flintstones theme in my HEAD

I watched 

SUPERMAN 

again 

it IS pretty 

WOKE

I really LIKE it 

cinabon & forest fires

I gotta go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I forgot to tell you 

I had king of the world in my HEAD 

this morning 

thoughts

I had this song stuck in my HEAD 

& I'm LIKE 

WAIT 

where is that FROM because 

it doesn't make

SENSE

it was FROM, I remembered

KISS me KATE

WHY

that song then

my favorite song from that

MOVIE, at least, I've never seen the play

is I'm always true to you darling in my fashion 

WELL 

that is a VERY different VIBE

that would probably 

send you down a WRONG pathway interpretation 

MAYBE 

he's thinking about 

KISSING you 

today

I went to see my mom today

& I feel like I did pretty well

I notice

I'm still LIKE reading what I think she WANTS 

at least on some level

because I'm walking out to my car

& I'm saying to myself 

I'm sorry you WANT 

me to act like

you are my sweet dear old mother

for that to happen 

you need to have been SWEET and DEAR

whatever 

I didn't react

I decided 

I don't like the rouille d'ancre in that pen either 

& I was LIKE 

why don't you 

TRY

the ink it came with 

& I'm LIKE 

BUT 

it's all SHIMMER -Y 

& it's gunk up the pen

it is the ink it CAME with 

SO

I tried it

&

it's beautiful 

it's a little MUCH but it's beautiful 

SO

I don't know what I think about it 

goodnight

I'm going to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I keep seeing these things

this is denmark or sweden 

can we oust t*ump & melanoma

& take over your country

& I'm finding 

myself thinking 

yeah

that probably wouldn't be a bad idea

SURREAL times

rambling TALK-Y talk

I may not go see her today 

I have been up a while 

I showered

I ate

I'm caffeinating

I hand washed a pair of underwear and bra

I am planning at least one load of laundry 

I rented a car

I bought a ticket 

I haven't yet rented a hotel, but that maybe isn't even really necessary 

I can't do a longer trip 

I both feel like I need to be here for the transfer 

& can't really deal with all the moving parts

BUT 

I am doing the obvious birthday thing

I don't know where I am

in the journey from

nutso to sanely balanced

& I don't know how good I look in my range

I'm not necessarily in any kind of balanced state

I imagine 

if I'm being viewed objectively 

I'm not the top choice for anything right now 

I'm a work in progress 

I'm an image in motion 

& if I don't LOOK 

GOOD 

I'm certainly not holding that against anyone else 

I'm trying to figure out

too many things at once

under somewhat stressful circumstances 

& there is a certain quality of 

two steps forward 

one step back

OR

whatever

I'm not apologizing for that 

BUT 

I GET how it isn't 

IDEAL

PLUS 

I can see now

that I hated the shrunked droop of my lower face

after I lost all the weight 

SO

adding weight back

LOOKED like

youthening

subconsciously

I also maybe see

how when I was younger 

I had all these sort of

TOXIC structures 

that my conception of romantic relationships was built upon

I don't know how to 

NOT have BEEN that WAY 

& it is possible that 

remnants are

remaining 

below the level of my awareness

POSSIBLY 

I'm in some liminal shadow-y place

where I am

BOTH

too literal & too abstract

I am not connected to the world as an empath, not really, not anymore 

BUT 

I haven't found the NEW way I'm supposed to be 

CONNECTED YET 

& I feel like 

that likely means 

I'm not through the empress/death portal yet

I don't know my place

& I MEAN 

I feel like from a neurotypical standpoint 

I never have seen the place I'm 

SUPPOSED to occupy 

I keep feeling like 

I'm supposed to do some 

earthshattering reboot

on the grievance 

& hate & whatnot, but HOW exactly 

& then I'm LIKE 

MAYBE 

you're making it a bigger thing than it is

MAYBE 

that australian chick has a point about you

POLLYANNA 

OR

MAYBE 

you are just puffed up

with making yourself more important than you are

BUT 

I don't really want people looking at me

I don't really want to be the center of attention 

there was a period of my life

when I wanted to be on the talk show circuit

I think I was watching too much

dick cavett

& johnny carson

I figure 

I just move forward into the next open space of comfort for myself in the world 

try to heal my nervous system 

let my depleted levels

RISE

& I'll achieve

some sort of balance 

& I figure 

the path will be revealed 

& there's no reason to think

I'm single-handedly

DRAMATICALLY 

saving the world 

the message was always 

you got this

you'll know it when ya see it

& the pressure to

FIGURE it ALL OUT 

SEEMS 

kinda unfair 

I'm not trying to put that pressure on you either 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

& I hope you are having a beautiful day 

thoughts

I changed the ink

that gray was just too much

I thought I'd try the

j. herbin rouille d'ancre

which is too light for my fine pens

I love the color & shading

BUT 

it's still 

VERY 

light

the gray cleaned out really nicely 

I don't know WHY 

this stuff is 

SO

calming to me

I need to go to sleep 

I wish I could 

be a little more fun

I am having a little trouble 

NOT 

thinking about minneapolis 

BUT 

I haven't been watching much media about it 

I'm not sure I'm hitting the right balance 

BUT 

I'm not freaking out 

SO

I'll take that as a win, at least

I got stuff I need to do tomorrow 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

& I hope I can explain 

some of the new stuff 

I feel like I'm working it out

BUT 

I'm still getting the sense

that there's a lot more to everything 

than I'm seeing 

not super talk-y today, maybe I'm on the edge of figuring something out, or maybe it just feels that way

TODAY 

apparently 

there was a big electrical job

happening at my apartment complex 

there wasn't any notification 

BUT 

they needed me to move my car at like

nine in the am & then

I had no electricity 

SO

I went back to bed

I kinda floated through today too

& I felt different today than yesterday 

I don't REALLY know 

SOMETHING 

that I feel like I should KNOW 

& then I DO KNOW something else

I still need to 

separate myself from 

some sort of 

SOMETHING 

that I consider that doesn't come from me

I don't think that is terribly coherent

I'm having trouble 

ISOLATING it

& articulating it

I DO feel CALMER