nite chat: 4:13

so
no coffee + toast today
and i fucked up the dates for the poem
i guess, technically, it doesn't matter
what the date is on the nite chat

i've been floating around
doing stuff
trying to avoid writing something
about my childhood
i really don't want to
but
that seems to be what's coming up
also
trying to see if i could get soy milk
faster on amazon/whole foods
and i could
but tuesday

ok
so i'm gonna tell you the kid-hood thing
when i was like
second grade
my grandmother gave me money
like for a present
idk if it was birthday
or what
but
it happened a couple a times
so, not just birthday

and
i don't know what my mother's
visiting schedule was
but
at that point we were not going to the mall
every other thursday, yet
so, whatever

i didn't really have access to shopping
i couldn't just go buy something
and, anyway
i was very ration-y with things
when i was a kid
so i probably wouldn't have spent it anyway
but
i put it in my chest of drawers
like in the sock drawer or somethin
for safe keeping
and
like i said this happened more than once

they took it
i don't mean jason
i mean my father and deborah
deborah just took it
i think she admitted to taking it
i didn't need it, she did, that was the end of it

my father
said he was gonna pay me back
but he never did

i've been seeing that apartment in my head a lot
recently, it was a pretty nice one
compared to where we lived after that
but
the place we lived after that
we stayed a long time
like when i left
after fourth grade
they still lived there
previously
i think we had moved about every six months

that was where we lived when i had chicken pox
where i used to make myself the mustard toast
when i came home after school
when i was hungry

i can see it all so clearly
in my head

when i had the chicken pox
my mother had bought rodeo tickets
i must have wanted to go
but i don't remember who we were going to see
but then i got sick and we couldn't go

she returned the tickets
i was shocked
i didn't think you could do that
oh yeah, she said
i just told them that i bought tickets
and my husband bought tickets
for the same night
and, of course, we couldn't use them both

so you lied?!
i said
again shocked
i was, let's see, it would have been
rodeo, so like january or february
second grade it would have been around my birthday
and so i would have just turned 8, like 1975
yeah, that seems right

my mother didn't
at that particular juncture
i don't think
have a husband
and
there was no second set of tickets, regardless

what do you mean, she asked
oh, i see
lying is fine
nothing wrong with lying
if you need to get your money back

later she would addendum this
with the additional axiom
lying is fine if it's none of their business

but
you better not ever lie to me


cussing
i may have told you this story
i had heard somebody call deborah a bitch
and i held that word tightly
until the next time i could sit in my closet
and say
she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
that was maybe later that same year
or early the next one
i felt like the word had some power

but
it was a gateway word, i'm afraid
because by the time i was eleven
my favorite string of cuss
was
that sucks big green donkey dicks!
like literally
i said that a lot
and
everyone was a fuckwad

now
by the time i was in ninth grade
i had had to clean up my act a little
because i was in a catholic school
and
the next year i was in pva
so i cussed
but
more sparingly

when i cussed in front of my aunt
she said
don't let your gran gran hear you
it would kill her
i don't care
just don't get pregnant

when my mom heard me cuss
she said
where did you learn to cuss
i said
from you

that seemed to satisfy her
and there was no further conversation about it


i'm sorry
i really didn't want to

also
i've gotten four speeding tickets
the first one
i got the day i started working for starbucks
it was a speed trap (sort of)
you know how signs are usually on the right
well, this one was on the left
in the esplanade
and
i didn't see it
so that would have been 1995
i was 28

the next one
was also a speed trap
i had gone on a road trip
and sarah and her kid were in the back seat
and she was screaming
incessantly
and i was distracted
and i didn't see the sign
coming in to a small town around texarkana

then
the third and fourth ones
were on trips to see you
both were near ozona texas
which is out in the middle of nowhere, nowhere

oh, shit, i forgot
i had a very expensive and dramatic one
that i don't think was any of those four, i don't think
i'm not positive about that though
also on a trip to see you

i was driving on the highway
and there weren't too many people
there was this one person
and we were playing leapfrog
just to stay interested, i think
it wasn't an exciting drive
so
they would speed up
and cut in front of me
and then i would speed up
and cut in front of them

i didn't feel like we were doing anything dangerous
but, i mean, we were not going slow
then somebody came right up behind me
and i sped up
and
it turned out to have been a cop
and he gave me a very expensive ticket
because
he'd been watching all that leapfrog
and that was something like
reckless aggressive driving
as well as speeding

and
when he explained it to me
he was very nice
and he said i could contest it
but
i'm like
no, you're absolutely right
i didn't see it that way
but
we weren't leaving enough space
and it could have been really bad
i couldn't possibly contest it
i'm guilty
he seemed
honestly
really sorry to be giving me the ticket

no i'm quite certain that was a fifth one

he told me i really should use cruise control
and i have resolved to do that
since
but
it really takes the fun out of driving
i really like to go

i can't remember where that was
i always said
i have speeded (sped?)
all across the country
but only gotten tickets in texas
but
i'm not sure where that last one was
i can't remember
i'm about 75% sure that that was texas too

one time i drove through el paso
like on the main freeway through town
like early in the morning
and there were like ten cop cars catching speeders
the whole state is a fucking speed trap

ok
sorry
gonna go dose up
and write a poem

poem: tiger king 4:12

i tried to watch the tiger king
it just seems to be
this huge pop culture moment
it wasn't fomo
it was wanting to
be a part of something
have a quarantine moment
whatever

i didn't really think i'd like it
and i was right

here's my assessment
after episode 1
3 people
all doing the same thing
all thinking
they are different
all white trash

i guess
there's a can't-look-away
car crash quality
but
i don't find the white trash world
fascinatingly bizarre
or
comfortably identifying
i
find it triggering

and
i don't really need to see any more

Okay I've been awake a little while

I was stretching and now I'm about to have some coffee already brush my teeth so

I will be there but probably nothing is getting written before that

I love you very much

I would tell you about my dreams but I can't remember them

I hope you're having a good day

I feel really good

poem: <((o))> 4:11

prairie flowers bloomin crazy
spread before me
mustard yellow

your head in my lap
pitter patter
can you hear it
that's my heart

it's a system baby
the whole wide world
a network

let's plug in

nite chat: 4:11

ok
so
the calendula tincture came today
and i have to say
i don't know yet if it works
but
it tastes like home
i don't think i can explain that any better
when i get to Xochicuicatl i'm going to have
a fancy bottle of liquor with calendula petals in it
for drinking shot of in the evening
i would say tequila
but
i think that will overpower the calendula
which is a subtle flavor
so idk


that last song
it was on the piped in music at work
and every time i hear it
it made me think of you
and the way i travel
when i travel
like you were with me

i'm sorry i didn't tell you about that one thing
you were getting up and going off
if it was noticable when you came back
i was going to tell you
but
i didn't notice when you came back
so i thought you had fixed it
i didn't figure there was any point calling attention
ya know
didn't mean to offend
but
you better believe i did notice
nice pjs btw

whatever
i went through the whole thing twice
i was trying to skip the songs
and just listen to the talking
but
i was not very successful with that
but
i still can't find it
maybe i hallucinated it
i'll have to watch every minute of it
and i can't do that tonight
i've already stayed up too late

i'm not sure how coherent this is

i'm agitated
unreasonably

but then
i keep thinking about the dream
where we're talking
and that makes me happy

i love you sweetheart
i'm gonna go dose up
and write a poem

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:11

so
pick up at the grocery is
soonest available 4/18
you can still go to the grocery
but
apparently they've decided
it's safer if they have the people
fill your box orders
when the store isn't open
and
some other reasons that i'm not quite clear on
but
i think it's inevitable
i will run out of soy milk


maybe i should tell you about the road trip
that i wanted to take
driving through new mexico to colorado
i was going to stop here

also i was going to see georgia o'keeffe new mexico abiquiu 

and
i was going to do whatever else
came along
i was having trouble
making that stuff fit in because it was too close
but also too far
understand
and then
i wanted to stay here for one night
well
i can't remember if it was the armstrong
or the elizabeth
but
right next door

and there was this alley
between
and when i saw a picture
i realized that that was what i saw
in my dream
and even though
i thought
surely your wife would be there
and surely it would end up
being a cry fest
i wanted to go anyway

Okay I woke up but then I went back to sleep although I didn't really intend to and now I'm awake again

The reason I went back to sleep is I was having this really cool dream that I was in a hotel room in I think it was Las Vegas maybe it was more of a suite it was pretty big and you were there and we were talking

It was really it was really cool

so I went back to sleep cuz I was trying to get back into that

but when I went back to sleep I did not get back into that dream I got into a dream where I was going to work but I didn't work there it wasn't really clear why I was there to me

And there were a whole bunch of people that I don't know in real life but I did know in the dream and I was talking to him and giving him advice about stuff and I don't know what all

And there was a lady who wanted cliquot and she wanted four bottlesand they were only two bottles on the shelf and I said oh I'll go get you some more out of the back and there wasn't any more in the back because they hadn't ordered any

And then I was at this party

It wasn't like a big party party it was like a small house party with people who lived in this house who were people that I knew from that work so all these people had been talking to who I don't know in real life and at the party was Billy Zane

Which is just weird

And I was telling all the little girls that Billy Zane was bad bad man

and he got mad at me and he was calling people on the phone to try to have me tell them that he wasn't a bad bad man because he was afraid I was going to ruin his reputation

And I'm like we're cooped up in this house I'm telling the little girls who live in this house stuff how is that going to get out get out to the world

You are just being paranoid

But he was just being really paranoid

And one of the things I was telling all the little girls was that he was really old I mean and they were like all in their early twenties so I mean really old is relative right but if you're in your early twenties and there's some dude who's like I don't know however old Billy Zane is hitting on you That's not real cool in my opinion

and Billy Zane was like I'm not old I'm not old how can you be telling them I'm old and I'm like well I believe it's possible that you're younger than me does that make you feel better

And he was like well how old are you and I'm like I'm 53

And he's like no way man no way

To which I thought he was going to say something complimentary about how oh there's no way I could be 53 but no in fact he was saying there's no way that he wanted to be associated with being anywhere near the age of 53 even though I sort of think Billy's saying is older than me anyway I don't know why that makes any sense and I've never dreamed about Billy Zane before but there you have it

See now I was super tired

I was not going to stay up all night

But look it's super late

And I am still awake

*Sigh*

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you

Very much

poem: flash 4:10

the ghost of 'lectricity howls in your bones

tame the lightnin
tame the lightnin
crack

is it getting closer
is it getting closer
crack

or
is it moving away

can't be sure
can't be sure

you're watchin the storm come in

which lake
which lake

crack

nite chat: 4:10

how are you doing?

you seem good

butxt

i bet you're a little stir crazy, huh

i don't feel too stir crazy

i'm not sure why

do not eat a bunch of dried fruit

it will give you some bathroom issues

that was my biggest issue today

except the requesting payment

which

freaks me out a little

my mother was trying to text me

all through the first hour of the show

and i was trying to answer her

i end up using the microphone feature

so i don't have to type while i'm trying to pay attention

to other things

plus

i use that feature

when i'm not 100% awake

or trying to focus on what i'm remembering

or

sometimes if i'm cooking 

or

any number of other things

i really like that feature

although it has it's limitations

i love you very much

i'm trying to stay in contact

i realize it's not constant contact

but

it's a lot of contact

and i feel like it's maybe not all that interesting

some of it

i mean, it's just all the things running through my head

in general

because i have constant things running through my head

and unless i just sat here and typed non-stop

i probably couldn't represent everything

but

then i've got like flow mind and that doesn't have

much, if any, thought

i just sink into the current of the

meditative moment

and disappear

i realize i'm trying to figure out

what i'm doing with myself

and

i really hope that doesn't make you feel like

that i'm not focused enough on you

i'm all kinds of focused on you

sweetness

Okay

I did that thing I don't know why I have so much trouble with any kind of government type forms I'm sure they're writing them in a way they think is clear but they never seem clear to me

And it's weird but I did that and now I've got such a horrible sense of foreboding

It just makes no sense

anyway I had these grand ideas about cooking food but I don't know I may just have avocado toast

Also I may have a margarita

Although I may have that while I'm writing

But anyway I'll be back

ok
i need to do that request a payment thing
now that it's late enough
and such
i'm not sure how long that will take
shouldn't be that long
but idk

i might need to eat something
for some reason
i'm much tireder than i should be

but i'll be back

i love you sweetheart

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:10

ok
that idea seems crazier in the light of day
that's a pretty big project
regardless of whether it's right to do it
it doesn't seem much like a first attempt

but
maybe
it's break into piece-able
and
i wasn't trying to imply
that that poem was like the format
or anything
it's just easy to write haikus
and so when i'm having trouble
writing a poem
i just do that
it gives me a format
which makes it more like a riddle than a raven
or a writing desk

toast with walnut butter
which some days can taste bland
but today tastes salty and delicious
coffee with some sort of coconut + nut milk
because i'm almost out of soy milk
and i'm trying to stretch it until i get groceries
which i'm trying to stretch
and i don't need much except soy milk

i got up at noon

i feel great
i was enjoying laying in the bed
i enjoyed my shower
my face is almost cleared up

i was going to request payment last night
but then i realized it was going to be more complicated
because i was going to have to list my severance
and probably my vacation time and float
which was about 90 hours
so that whole thing is closer to the $6000 total
that i would be allowed to collect for 6 months of unemployment
so
i may have been right
i may not get anything from unemployment
however
it sounds like i will be eligible for the other stuff
so we'll see
strangely, i'm not stressed about it

but i did think it was better to do it
when i'm like coherent and stuff
so i don't fuck it up

hopefully you're having a good day
and
that i didn't scare you away with my
conceptual ideas
they aren't meant to fleece people
they are meant to be for the good

i'll grant you it's not the kind of thing
a nine or ten year old comes up with
but maybe it is, sort of
don't you know a bunch of kids that age
who started non-profits?
anyway
if you spend a lot of your time talking to god
and you have tried going to churches
to try to find a place that feels right
and read about religions
to try to find one that matches your beliefs
and
you didn't find a match
it's not that far fetched

anyway
sorry if i weirded you out

poem: shh 4:9

what you think you know
might not be all there is, though
can you see new things

truth can be what sings
like the empathy of strings
it moves with the flow

what doesn't bend breaks
flexing is the skill it takes
you must call it's name

not your little game
souls are weighted just the same
kings are always fakes

nite chat: 4:9

you are going to roll your eyes at me
but
i was thinking about my "brand"
and what does that really mean

from the standpoint of like
a youtube channel or whatever
like what would i be about

i think i'm not going to do makeup
and not skincare either
i like skin care
but my skin is too sensitive to do that many things
plus, at least right now
i can't deal with that
either from an acquisition nor a financial standpoint
and
i love astrology and tarot, things like that
but
i don't really see me doing tarot
and i can't really do astrology

i like the idea of something shamanic
but i don't want to be doing
like little performances
so
that doesn't seem practical

i like videos where people kinda
lifestyle teach
and
that would totally work
if i was like on the land or whatever
but it totally doesn't work like here, now

i think
the thing that makes the most sense for me
is some sort of like educational type thing
but
when i thought of that
i'm afraid that what resurfaced was
something i've thought
since i was a kid
i can't remember how old
[start your own religion]
now that wasn't exactly what i thought now
what i thought now was more like
sort of my conception of a sermon
which is not like

put your hands on the televison set brothers and sisters
feel the energy, can you feel it flowing through you
yes i know you can

not like that
more like, well, joe frank
or really like joe frank meets spalding gray meets the dalai lama
like little talks that are world building
like philosophical performance art
but simple to understand, mostly

but
that seems crazy

in the book do androids dream of electric sheep
there is a section (actually several, i think) on mercerism
which is the religion in the world of the book
it is all about empathy
i should read it again
but as i recall
you grab hold of some machine
and you experience some visuals
and also maybe the sense
or maybe it's like mmorpg
and it's more than the sense, but actually
other people there too
and somehow you are all experiencing the same
like stations of this man, mercer

that was a fascinating part of the book for me
it turned out
it was at least partially created
mercer may have been real, or not
it wasn't made completely clear
but
the mercer of the empathy experience
whatever that was called
that was created in hollywood

anyway
i don't feel very close to any of the religious texts
that i've read
well, i like the tao
but i'm not sure that counts as a religious text
and
a lot of religions use the text as a sort of road map
for the sermons, or teachings, or whatever you want to call them
and then some just give talks or sermons
that are more based on what's going on
in the world around the listeners
and they both seem like legitimate ways to go
but
if i were to do the sermon route
then i'd just be doing it
there wouldn't be the conceptual/performance angle

no i think i would need to create the foundational literature
and the holidays and everything
but then
how far do you play that
and where does that lead
and
am i even capable of all that
idk
it's just been something that's been
buzzin around in my head
since i'm not sure when
and
this is the way it came out now

what do you think of that?
no mistaking this time around

get with the program: 4:9

ok
so i didn't get right back to you after
because
of course
i went down a rabbit hole
and etc
but

that was awesome
the people who were on to answer questions
they were really informative
and they didn't even seem phony
they seemed like they legitimately wanted to help
and
my representative
who is a democrat
who, it is my belief
won because of beto
the republican who had the seat
was way entrenched
of course it might not have been beto completely
it might have been that 2018 thing generally
but
she really does seem to be trying to help people

and
i'm a little bit amazed
that has not ever been my experience
although
in fairness
when have i looked for help before

i am so happy
i feel like things might work out
and
she isdoing more of these
and i am so so there, ya know

yay!

commentary: 4:9

ok
so
today was not quite the shit show
that they mostly have been
he must have listened to the wsj

i'm worried
that by the time this is through
a large number of people
might not
have the impression
that this has been a shit show from the start

there seem to be big swaths of red
that haven't been overwhelmingly affected, yet
and now they're
talking about opening it all back up
in those places
the "unaffected places"

i feel less confident
that he will lose
and
i know they will do whatever they can
to impede the voting of anyone
who won't vote for them
so
i hope
that i'm wrong about that


almost time for my meeting
i love you sweetheart

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:9

i feel pretty happy today
i don't know why i needed that card
but it may or may not have anything to do
with my mom
and
if it does
well, i'm trying to keep her safe
she's a grown woman
and there are limits to what i can do
but
she's getting attention
like she hasn't been getting
because even though
it's not live--  like in person
it's every day
and it can go on as long as she likes
which, honestly, isn't that long

but
it's fine
i'm not gonna freak out about it
i am the very model of zen, really


from imperfect produce
i got citrus, mostly
'sposed to be blood oranges (but we'll see)
tangelos
more lemons
and then
also
a couple avocados
some eggs (which are organic and brown)
'sposed to have been a pound of summer squash
but turned out to be one big zucchini
and
looking for snacks
and
holding in mind that berries are nature's answer
to what can i gather that will keep me alive
through it's nutrient density
i got dried berries
golden berries
which i haven't had
but they seem different enough from raspberries
that i figure i'm safe

[i was going to insert a video about golden berries here
but i didn't see anything i thought was just right
and besides maybe you don't want to watch a video
also, you probably know how to find videos if you want them]

berries are always pretty good for you
and i need snacks
i have given up pretending
that i'm not going to have some level
of nervous eating
and these are healthy and low calorie
and even low sugar for fruit

i also got a pineapple
which i am going to roast
because
luau!
have you had roasted pineapple
it's amazing

oh
and i almost forgot
bread
the 7 grain bread from the people who made the raisin bread
it's sprouted grain as well
you never know what you're going to be able to get
from imperfect
there are some things they never have
the never have soy milk
they never have bananas
probably there's more
but those are the things i've noticed

i think the press conference is about to start
so i guess i will end this
and start a new one for that
i don't know that this has really been saying all that much
but it has just been flowing out of me, regardless

i love you you magnificent creature
and
if at any point i'm not giving you what you need
i'm sorry because what i want
so so much
is for you to be happy and healthy
and fucking exalted!

Imperfect produce is here I've got to deal with that so I'm not 100% sure I'm going to get up a coffee and toast before before 2:00 I might but I might not

I'm up

I've been up for about 20 minutes but I've been brushing my teeth and stuff like that

I had all kind of crazy interesting dreams but I can't really remember em

Haven't taken the poke root for 2 days in a row

So I cannot blame my sleeping late on that

I'm just staying up real late and then sleeping real late

But I mean I went to bed at 3:30

Possibly four

and I got up at noon That's not an excessively long time to sleep it's just not the right schedule

But I mean whatever

I love you Hope you're having a good day

I'm going to get some coffee and hopefully we'll get in a coffee and toast shortly

poem: 5/7/5 4:8

i'm a little drunk
i might have nothing to say
space around me swells

i should not forget
chag pesach samech, yo
what were all the plagues

i've been watching vids
how to tell you are psychic
and they aren't much use

what i mean to say
sometimes i give myself the
creeps, sometimes my mind

it plays tricks on me
it all keeps adding up, i
think i'm cracking up

really, am i just
paranoid, or am i just
needing to be stoned

nite chat: 4:8

so
within the last few days
i went looking through an old purse
i'm not sure what i was looking for
i just thought i should look through it
red flag

when i looked through the purse
what i found
was the business card
for the crematorium
we were recommended
when bob died
red flag

shit, i thought
i really hope you aren't showing me this
because i'm gonna need it for something
but
that's how things usually work
when i was a first getting this kind of message
i wasn't seeing them on my own
so i would get big red circles drawn around things
now
now it tends to be more subtle
like oh for some reason
i suddenly have a need to look through this old purse
although that makes no kind of sense in context
oh shit oh shit

but then i promptly forgot about it


so today my mom texts me
how long has it been since you drove your car
and i had as it happens
driven my car today
to a mexican restaurant a couple blocks away
to get chips and queso
and
as it turns out
margaritas

now
i'm not sure if this was safe or not
i heated the chips and queso up
in new containers
158 degrees was the temperature
that my cdc search said would kill the virus
also
supposedly no one has contracted it
from food
idk if i believe that
i hadn't been counting on being able to get margaritas
in the drive thru
i just added extra ice and tequila
so
i'm not saying i'm without sin
ok
i'm just being clear about that up front

how long, i ask her, has it been since you drove your car
sunday, she says

and where did you go sunday, i ask

whole foods during senior hour with bandana mask and gloves
she says

now
she fucking promised me she was not going to do that any more
she fucking promised me

i think the mask protects people from you
i don't think it really protects you from the other people

i didn't get near anyone

i have no response to her


i mean
i get it
she's going stir crazy
she wants to get out

and my first thought
which i said out loud was
i cannot keep this bitch alive

but now
i'm remembering
i was just told to look for the crematorium card
so
i'm freakin out a little bit
not gonna lie

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:8

so i didne't get up early
but i'm not too upset about it
because
the virtual town hall thing
on thursday evening
eliminates both those
potentially wait forever
phone calls

also
i should be able to be with you thursday as well
so, pretty happy generally

did some research
found out calendula (marigold) is also
a lymph mover
probably not as strong
but that's one of my plants
so i ordered a bottle of that
and it will be replacing the poke root
at least for daily usage
marigold has a happy energy signature


i'm sorry
i was sure i read somewhere
something else
like unexpected that calendula tincture was good for
and i couldn't find it immediately
and went down a rabbit hole


i feel
like a new person today
like i never worked at that place at all
it's hard to explain
but
good
really really good

sorry this took me like two hours to finish
i love you

Sorry

Gone girl has connotations

I didn't realize

huh

is not a good name

not capable of naming

right now

sleep now

I love you sweetheart 💋

goodnight

poem: huh 4:7

why do i stay up all night
i feel more me
in the middle of the night
i'm going to bed
i swear
i want to
really

being asleep is my favorite thing
i never like to wake up
i never want to go to bed

i'm like a cat, i guess
wants out when it's in
and in when it's out


i just woke up
sitting in the chair



how long was i out

nite chat: 4:7

i have the munchies
i don't mean from being high
i'm not high
i wish i was high
but
i want snacks
potato chips
no, too salty
popcorn, i like popcorn
cheetos
cookies
idk
somethin

grilled cheese sandwich

i hope you had a good day

i'm going to go find something
and then come back and write
a poem

it's already so late
and i need to get up
not like today
i need to get stuff done

i'm skipping the poke root
tonight, i think

i love you sweetheart

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:7

ok
so i'm posting this kinda late
i went out of the house
the bank was a ghost town
i wasn't 100% sure they were open
their website said they were
but
it didn't mention drive thru only
which i knew was a thing
so
i had to just go and see
they were
then i drove around a little bit

there are a lot on cars on the street
and westheimer is all torn up
i did not know they were working on it
and i would not have driven on it
if i had realized it was so very
under construction
maybe they are using this
down-time to re-pave roads
that honestly really do need it
while there are many fewer people on the street
idk

then
there was the press conference
and then
i was trying to find out
about the whole unemployment thing
it doesn't make any sense

as far as i can tell
they aren't actually saying that i'm qualified
as such
but if i am
then there doesn't seem to be any extra money
for the stimulous package
but that might just be because it hasn't come through yet
anyway
it says request payment
but

a) i think it's too soon
b) the amount is really small
if i request this does that set my clock
and/or funds
c) like should i wait
d) or does waiting fuck it up

i searched and searched
and i can't find anything that gives me a clue
and maybe i have to request funds today
but i think i just couldn't do it before today
but again, not sure
if i want to call and maybe talk to a person
who might or might not know the answer
and might or might not be right about what they know
i can call
between 1pm and 5pm on thursday
as my area code begins with 2


i feel like my entire day was lost
or wasted
and
i wish i didn't have to deal with the government at all
but
on the plus side
i am expected to prove
i applied for 0 jobs
so at least
i'm not required to prove
i applied for a bunch of jobs that don't exist


i'm really
unhappy about all this


i'm sorry i couldn't write
i was dealing with that shit

and my mother
who i have been texting
or calling
every day
is continuing to offer news
and advise
that is way out of date

like maybe she just wants info
but doesn't want to ask for it
idk
but today i was a little on edge
and it was hard to just be like
oh thank you
which is the angle i've been trying to take

she's not seeing my face
she doesn't need to know she's
irritating me

like
for example
she says:  khou.com says they have info how to file online for unemployment benefits.  They say online should only take 7 minutes, but the phones are overloaded and nearly impossible to get through.

right, so, does she really think that i need that specific info
we talked about my filing for unemployment like
two weeks ago
surely she doesn't think that i couldn't figure out
how to do that, does she?

i mean
i admit it never occurred to me to look up the news website
not would it have occurred to me that i could do it on the phone
i went to the google
said:  how do i file for unemployment in texas
it took me to the website
i read the tutorial
i came back at the time it said it was likely to be
untraffic-y enough to get through
because it was not getting through
and when i went back
it worked

when she's texting me this
i'm reading the entire texas unemployment handbook
that they sent to me in my secret mailbox
and
also
reading all the faq on the website
trying to find out the answer to my question
which
of course wasn't there
because it's happening on the ground
they don't have info about it written yet


i imagine she wanted to know
if i had filed yet
but didn't want to ask me that
so she texted me some rando information
tangentially related
and if i said oh yeah thanks
maybe she would figure i hadn't
and maybe she would have decided that she had saved my life
or maybe she would have yelled at me for ruining it
for not filing before the 10 million other people
idk
so
what i said was:  it took me longer than 7 minutes
and yes the site is clogged a lot


anyway
i may call my state representative tomorrow
i doubt she knows the answer to my question
but she's all putting it out there that she's here to help
so idk
i might

i may not be able to watch live in thursday

i called the i.r.s. one time
i only had to wait for and hour and a half on hold
so, who can say

*sigh*

I didn't get up at regular time

I slept late

Had a lot of really weird dreams though

Not bad not full of negative bad things just weird

I spent the whole night at like I'm not sure if it was a restaurant or a club

I was hanging out with somebody

And and it started with my going in because there was a musician there

Then I was going to meet but it became a lot more complicated than that somehow

And they had this like jewelry case that had this white turquoise not like how light it was really beautiful

But I'm not sure why it was there

And this rich girl that I used to work with at my ex job she was talking all about it

And then at the end of the evening it was light outside really bright light and I wasn't sure when exactly that it happened

I found it very disorienting but then I took my receipt and I put it in that jewelry case but I'm not sure why

And then the police were out at the car but I don't know if they were off duty police or what but they were nice

And then I got in the car and it was a Buick century but I was trying to drive it from the passenger seat which was really hard

And then it turned out I was going like over 100 mph or maybe that's wrong maybe I was going like an 88 or something but much over the speed limit

And I heard sirens

And I was like I don't know if the sirens are for me or not but I'm going to take evasive measures

And so I faked and looked like I was going to turn and they turned to head me off the past and I didn't turn I went down another block and I turned left and I did all this other stuff and I shook them

I'm pretty sure there was more but I can't remember it now

My severance check came in the mail yesterday so I have to try to go to the bank today

I think they have a drive-thru open

Their website says they're open 8:00 to 5:00

Makes no mention of the drive-thru

So I don't think they've updated the website

So they may not be open at all but I'm pretty sure that I can't do

A check over $500 on the app which I've never done anyway

And I don't know I may be able to do it in the ATM deposit but I really don't want to I really want to hand it to a person and get a receipt

so I'm going to try to go to the bank and see if I can make that happen and if not then I am not sure what I will do

I feel very groggy

I think I might need to take a couple of days off the poke route

I love you sweetheart 💋

poem: fermata 4:6

i nod
in the chair
drifting off into
the peaceful in-between
there's no dangerous negative
there's no self destructive darkness

what there is
is calm, and one-ness, and rooted-ness
my cat comes up behind me, letting me know
he's not about the waiting life, he's hungry, like now
and i say to him, kitty, just wait a minute
i promise i'll feed you
and then
we'll go
to bed

he's
having a hard time
he doesn't understand the quarantine
i'm home all time, but my hours are irregular
he doesn't like it, but he's getting used to it

will everything get back to normal
do we want it to be like that, or
do we want to visualize
something different

it's worth asking
anyway

nite chat: 4:6

ok
i don't really like tic toc
i mean
i could see watching it for the challenges
like dance challenges and stuff
or
like whatever you call it when
a bunch of people all try to do the same thing
but
like their take on it
that's fun
and probably if you follow the hashtags
then you see that stuff

also
probably
when you watch a shit ton of videos
and respond to them
eventually tic toc learns what you like
but
just watching the for you videos
for like an hour or so
i'm underwhelmed

everybody who did this was my favorite video

i cannot see me doing tic toc

even to try to build a following

but

maybe

if i think of something

who can say

today

today i want cheese

i have no cheese whatsoever

nothing

i purposely didn't get it

because it makes my joints hurt

and i won't eat a small cube of cheese

i will eat a huge hunk of cheese

i love cheese

i had eggs again with cream cheese and mushrooms

and that didn't curb my desire for cheese at all

i looked on imperfect produce

and they have goat cheese

so i'm gonna get some of that

it won't really satisfy my desire for cheese

but it's not a trigger food

and it's really good on toast

and it doesn't make my joints hurt

i've decided that it's the poke root that's causing the

negative energy in the flower essence experience

it's working really great for me

but

it is a poison after all

and i was thinking

thinning the veil energy

but

it's just poison energy

so

i'll be doing the flower essences

briefly by themselves

and then taking the poke

afterwards

i think that will lighten things up

anyway

i love youtube

and researching on youtube is what i do for fun

but this is gonna require time and thought

it's not happening tomorrow

i hope you've had a good day

i love you very much

i'm gonna go dose up

and then write a poem

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:6

avocado toast today
i love me some avocado toast
i drizzled a little olive oil
a little balsamic vinegar
cracked some fresh pepper
and a few grains of celtic sea salt
so good
not as filling as sunflower butter
but i needed a break from that
and
if i get hungry there is fruit
i may go crazy
twc sent me an email telling me it's time to request my payment
now they haven't sent me anything telling me
that they approved me
so
idk if it's just a timed message
or what
but i can't log in to do it now
so i'm just gonna have to be curious until about 7pm
when you can actually maybe log in
and what i read initially
made me think that you have to request payment
like every time
which, if you can never log in, is super convenient
anyway, whatever

i'm working on my list
but
i wanted to check in
and tell you how much i love you

I dreamed about guns

And adult diapers

And s*** lots and lots of s***

ok
i'm going to bed now
i haven't taken my flower essences yet
i'm going to do that on the way to bed
we'll just let
that stuff
influence my dreams

i love you very much sweetheart
i'll talk to you in the morning

poem: hai/wey 4:5

do you know that i
have a deep down serious
rooted thing for you

i'm not kidding man
i could not shake you even
if it was my life

i wake up and i
think about you all day long
then in dreams as well

you are everywhere
in the flowers in the rain
in the wind your name

i guess you could say
drowning in you completely
but in a good way

nite chat: 4:5

i love you

i'm not going to write anything
after i take the drops tonight
i feel like
i've been a handful
and
that's not really how i think of myself

i had baked chicken
with collard greens
and roasted beets
really comfort food-y

i know
i know
not vegetarian
do not tell the food police

you get a lot of food out of a chicken
you can eat the meat
and then cook the bones to make bone broth
and/or chicken soup

i'm doing well today
i'm grateful for you
and everything you do

this quarantine stuff
i like to think i'm immune to it
because i don't like to go amongst the humans
but
the stress of it all
gets to me

see
i'm so funny
i'm specifically wanting to go to bed early
to reign in the crazy a little bit
but
now i'm sad
that i'm not staying up all night
i love to stay up all night
if i would stay up all night writing
rather than making play lists
then
maybe that would be
a good enough reason to let the crazy roam free
and this is all going to be a test
i'm not unhappy that i'm going to find this out about myself

can i let the crazy free enough to create
but reign it in enough to create like
something
not something conceptual and more or less intangible
but something i could maybe
point to and say
i almost can't say it anyway

do you want to buy this book

i know there's a way to do it on amazon
that doesn't involve having to sell it to like
a publisher or anything
and
right now
that sounds really good
so idk
maybe i'll add that to the list of things to explore
in the next day or two

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:5

i didn't have coffee and toast
i just had dinner
and
i didn't get a lot of sleep
in the hopes that i will not stay up all night
i love staying up all night
but
it is my plan
to get some specific things done tomorrow

so
not being too rigid about it
imma get up between 6:30 and 8:30
i have a short list
if i finish that list
i have a couple extras i can do or not
depending on how i feel

you notice how quickly i reverted
to my natural cycles
stay up til 6am
sleep til between 12 and 2
that's what i will naturally do
everything else
is unnatural for me
my second most natural
is get up at 3 pass out at 9 or 10
but
i really have to be doing some kind of physical work
to make that work
or i don't pass out
and that ruins the whole system


i may ultimately
i will ultimately
adjust this schedule
but
just to like reinforce that
i'm not just fuckin around
"normal" schedule from work tomorrow

You're only given one spark of madness,

you mustn't lose it 

Okay I'm awake

I have a headache

I'm congested

Those things might go away when I take a shower

I'm not feeling

That negative space thing

I'm feeling pretty much back to normal in that regard

I have to be careful I guess what I expose myself to when I'm under the influence of the flower essences

I guess they make me more sensitive to alternative ways of seeing the world

So I'm sorry if I freaked you out

Which I probably did

I love you

Very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much ❤️

poem: #008000 4:4

i'm having trouble
somehow
something became real to me
that
wasn't real before


and i'm not sure if it's something like a negative space

or
if it's something like a translation thing
but
suddenly i'm not sure if i am who i think i am to you

and
i'm not sure
that that even makes any sense

and
the voice says
hold up, there is no starting all this over again--  you are fine
everything is fine
move along, nothin to see here

and i'm sure it's right
but
[  ]

nite chat: 4:4

i went back and watched you break the record
i'm sorry i missed it live
you are very cute
and
such a dad
and
it's funny
that's the sort of thing
my dad would have done
but
the way you do it
is so much
like more wholesome
i can't really explain that
also
your kid is so so much more a kid
than i was at that age
that is good, i think

by that age
i had already learned
that neither of my parents
were reliable narrators
or people that i could trust very much

i'd had to leave my father
for which he never forgave me
and
then when i found out what my mother was
really like i had begun to have a breakdown
emotionally

my father would tell me he was going to come pick me up
for a visit or whatever
i would get all ready
and he'd never show
when i would call him
he'd say
well, i thought you'd figure it out when i didn't show up
like, why are you callin me, worried
once he didn't come to pick me up from ballet
and i think my mom was out of town
and i'm frantically calling
my aunt and my grandmother
trying to find somebody to come and claim me

eleven, right, that's eleven for me

also
weird men trying to hit on me
whenever i'm not specifically with an adult
and
also
i think
i'm pretty sure i'd started reading porn
not pictures
books
they sold em down at the convenience store

i went to school across the street from
where i lived
also across the street
nude modeling studio
that might explain the creepy men

when my mother discovered my reading material
she looked it over
maybe read it
and her comment was
none of this stuff is even possible

then she gave it back to me
i remember a lot of the first couple books

this not possible one
i think she was talking about double penetration
which, i'm pretty sure is possible
just not very probable
on a lot of different levels

i'm not sure i really had
that much interest in it as
like material for masturbation or anything
that came later
but
i mean, i was curious about sex
that was 1978
and there was a lot of sex
like as a part of the culture

i also started my period that year
went to the rocky horror
got offered drugs by strangers
it was an eventful year, i guess

it makes me really happy
that your kid
still seems like a kid

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:4

i made eggs
not a cream cheese omelet
scrambled eggs with fresh garlic and cilantro
with baby bella mushrooms
and nutritional yeast
also
dry 12 grain toast
coffee with soy milk
it was pretty good

i didn't listen to the press conference
although
from what i gather
that's all to the good
it's raining here--  all day
and the weather is really comfortable
like 58 degrees

i don't have anything brilliant to impart
but
i'm feelin good
hope you are too
and
like gonna go watch the rain for a little while
i feel like i'm building a tribe of cool people
over on instagram

yeah
feelin good today

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

poem: [x] 4:3

i'm feeling it
but
not
like intoxication

more like the awareness
of the
space
outside
of me
and
the space inside of me and the way

my skin is a shell
or
a
membrane

and what would it mean to
choose
between
those
two very different options



let things in or keep them out



keep things in or let them out



is it really
multiple
choice

nite chat: 4:3

i want french fries

i guess i could make french fries
but
i haven't cooked anything fried like that
since i don't remember
twenty years maybe
usually
if i want french fries
i either get them from a place
that does them right
or
i get the frozen ones
and bake em in the oven
depending on how intense
the craving is

no joke
i just had peanuts
and chocolate covered raisins
which is the extent of my
snack food
i could pop popcorn--  i have popcorn
but
i don't want that
the peanuts and chocolate covered raisins
aren't messy or troublesome
and they should have worked

i'm not really even hungry
at least not anymore

i don't want to waste a bunch of oil
and make a mess
i have potatoes

i am such a pain in the ass

there is this place
i don't think i've told you about it
it's called bernie's burger bus
and
their menu is like t.g.i.friday's was back in the early early 70s
do you remember that
when it was cool
before it became this horrible chain restaurant
that has devolved into appleby's in the current world
well, anyway
it's like a school themed thing
like the hamburgers are the cheerleader, the principal
and they have this falafel burger that you can substitute
for the meat
and it is delicious, delicious i say
also
although they are like known for their
smothered fries
i'm not big on that
but they do have just regular fries
and
they are one of the only places
you can get real onion rings
not those weir things they try to give you
like, everywhere
here, look at this
i would get
you may have guessed
the cheerleader
[with falafel, obvi]
with handcut fries and onion rings
and then not be able to eat it all
but
it's worth the tummy ache of trying to finish it
omg, want it, want it

so now i'm imagining that we are having a
like
indoor picnic
maybe we've got some mexican beer
to go with it

ok
cool


i think
i've decided what book to listen to
carlos castaneda  the art of dreaming
also
i have a bunch of jonathan lethem
which i may listen to
too

ok
imma go dose up

commentary: 4:3

we have done a job
like nobody's ever done
a job


i gave you a perfect answer
you know it


we aren't an ordering clerk

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:3

my head feels better
i'm not upset about sleeping in
i had wound myself up to a right state
and i feel better generally now

i hope you're doing well

i think it's interesting
that my dreams seem mostly now
to be set in crowds
or parties
places filled with people
that wasn't typically the case before

toast today was 12 grain bread with sunflower butter
coffee with soy milk
might eat strawberries in a little while

i've got the windows open again
on the one hand
i don't like it
it makes me feel less safe
because things aren't locked up
i have to be watching everything
but
it was getting stuffy
and it's 82 degrees
which isn't that hot yet
but
the inside felt a lot hotter than
if say you just went and stood outside

i still have a headache
but it's not terrible

i love you

And that my friends

Is how you sleep

Until 1:00 p.m.

You're welcome for the lesson

I'm going to take a shower

Okay so I'm awake but I'm lying in the bed and I'm dictating this I have a really bad headache and I'm very very congested but I think that's all because there's a front coming through supposed to get really hot next week

and I've been trying to conserve electricity by using the fan and that's been fine but that's not going to work if it's up into high 90s

It would maybe work if I was in a old school house where I could open up windows and get cross breeze but there's a limit this place is pretty insulated so once it gets hot it pretty much stays hot

But when my alarm went off I was having the stream and I was kind of complicated they were aspects to it I don't know if they were really related in a way that makes sense in reality they made sense somehow in the dream

There was some girl who I had had a crush on for a long time I think and had pretty much given up on but for whatever reason she had decided that maybe she was interested she wasn't sure but maybe and I wasn't really sure how to deal with that

Like I didn't really convince her that she was interested in me because I had pretty much given it up but I still kind of had a just the edge of the thing left for her and I didn't want to discourage her either

And this was like at some dance or social event or something I don't know exactly so she was hanging around and I was not specifically trying to hang her out with her

And then the guy from I mean I think it was like the father who dated Tootsie you know kind of an old guy with kind of a round nose kind of a WC Fields type he was he kept coming up to me and being like do you drink sangria and I'm like yeah I guess I drink sangria and he was like okay haha I need to grab a couple bottles of sangria out of the ice chest or whatever and kind of sidle up beside me like he was going to get me drunk and have his way with me but it was just kind of funny

And there was this restaurant at the whole thing it was like rented out for this party it was enormous party and it went across you know multiple restaurants and clubs and there was a big like hall it was some event that happened every year but I have no idea what kind of event

So going into this restaurant that had been rented out for this event and getting something it was a packet of something stickers or I don't know I can't remember it seemed important in the thing but I can't remember it was like a tradition

And when I came out of that restaurant after getting the packet of whatever it was I was headed to go see someone I am not sure now who it was but my feeling is that there was a person I had actually been developing a relationship with that was like a real relationship not like the girl I had to crush on or the creepy guy who was following me around but like an actual relationship that had been developing over the course of time and somehow that other person and I were meeting and solidifying that at that same event and I was just hoping that all these people following me and having interest in me who I didn't really have any interest in weren't going to eat your fear with that relationship

so I kind of really think the old guy would be a problem but I did sort of think there was a way that the cute girl that had the crush on forever could really cause me some trouble

Oh yeah but this somehow seems like the most important thing I think maybe just because it's warm here but when I walked out of that restaurant where I got my packet cement was so cold it was impressive it wasn't any like snow or anything on it but like when you walked on the cement the cold would radiate up through your shoes and your feet You could feel it it was so cold

I'm not really sure how that was happening or why it was important like I said it might have just been because it's going to warm here and all of a sudden it was really cold and how did I produce cold from warm

anyway that's when I woke up so I didn't get to do any more of the dream

and now I've been laying in bed for like I don't know an hour feeling the fan blow over me I'm trying to stretch out my neck and my shoulders to improve the headache

poem: sis + boom + baa 4:2

just to warn you
things might get a little far out


i've pulled
the desert blanket

over my eyes

i'm sitting on the ocean floor of pre-historic imagining
by the fire
with the milky way swirling like tracers above my head

the truth is projecting like a light show
across the white of my t-shirt
the whites of my eyes
the purity of my soul
and
it's now now now always now
there is no other time

there is no
reclamation of soul
retrieval
nails through the heart rusty and singing
with the blood of the cure

my flower guides are not enough
and i take a sip of agave power water
watch me burn
the flames
licking
peeling
blackening
the whiteness
releasing the smoldering essence of the void

wow, really sis

nite chat: 4:2

my mouse is running out of batteries
it's, i guess, not that big a deal
i have, somewhere, i mouse i can plug in
or
i could just use the pad
it's not really that big a deal
but
i don't think i have batteries
i might have a few left
but
i have been unable to get any
whenever i'm looking for supplies
i guess batteries are the new toilet paper
although
toilet paper is still the new toilet paper
batteries make a lot of sense

it's not that big of a deal
walk it off, walk it off


i applied for unemployment online today
i know you're probably thinking
why did she wait so long
but
first
i've never applied for unemployment before
and i thought that since they gave me some severance
that i maybe wouldn't qualify
and then
when they expanded all the stuff for the zombie flu
i thought well, maybe
and really the worst they can say is no
but the website has been crashing
and, truthfully
every time i would start to do it
i'd get all anxiety-ified
that's part of what happened yesterday
and with coffee + toast today
so, anyway, i applied
and they are sending my information to missouri
which is apparently where the central hr for
the place i worked is located

so maybe they will say
sure
we eliminated her job
but not because of the zombie flu
and we gave her some money
denied!

or maybe they will pay me the extra good
zombie flu unemployment
so i could maybe pay my bills and stuff
because 40% of what i was making before
is not gonna do that
i had some
i'm not sure what to call em
things i've been paying $50 a month into
for 20 years
so i got a little
guess i won't be using it for a down payment
on anything
but
i'm not on the streets yet
severance hasn't come yet
they have 20 days
i think i mentioned that before

it's fine
everything's fine
i've got no reason to complain
oh
and my briefing today said
there might be a link between
blood type and whether you get the bad
or good version of the zombie flu
which again i'm saying
so i don't get hits from searches
although
if you're searching zombie flu, maybe
anyway
i'm not sure what my blood type is

in high school biology
we did tests
and i tested positive for A
which might mean i'm A
that seems the most likely
although i'm not 100% sure
that i wouldn't have tested positive for A
if in fact i was AB
so likely A
because i think the test showed B as well
not sure

be coherent!

if i'm A
which i think i am
then, maybe, based on one analysis
i may be predisposed to the mild form


i already dosed up


i feel like i let you down somehow
i'm not sure what i think i was supposed to do
but, i feel bad
maybe i'm projecting
i'm gonna be more positive tomorrow
i promise


i'm really just letting the desert essences
have time to take effect
and then
we're doing poetry
because it's poetry month
and we're doing that every night
all month
ha!

commentary: 4:2

so i am listening to the press conference
i found i couldn't not

my imperfect produce came
while it was going full swing
i went to the door after they rang the bell
and the guy was standing right there
holding it out to me
saying:  hi

it kinda freaked me out
i'm like:  hi
but i mean
i waited a minute
and usually
when i've seen them
the delivery guys have been african
i don't mean black
i mean african
there are lots of africans working
delivery/rriving jobs
door dash, imperfect produce, uber
[i should clarify
i haven't been using those other services
during the quarantine
i'm saying two different things
and they're getting muddled]
and they
maybe having experience with contageous disease
maybe just from a desire not to interact
set the box down
ring the bell
walk quickly away
i think this is smart
and
i have had nothing but good experiences
with africans in my life
smart and efficient is winning out over friendly

this guy
is young like mid twenties
attractive, hispanic
and he looks like an ad for something
so clean cut, smiling, impossible to not smile at
say hi and take the box from him

so i bring in the plague box
and freak out slightly
that wasn't six feet
it was the width of a box
breathe, breathe, breathe
and i wipe everything down with bleach water
rather than soaping everything up
because i'm thinking it will take less time
but it doesn't seem to

the press conference
is washing over me
what i'm getting
is that i'm supposed to believe
that suddenly
they've got this shit under control
but
i do not believe this

i really really hate 45
he is so full of his own importance
and heroic imaginings

i may have more


we have learned so much
so much
so much

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:2

i love you

I just woke up from a dream because I had to pee and I wanted to try to get some of it down

So those one section where they were going to get this official to sign something they wanted him to sign by doing this very elaborate stopping some place and having him sign paperwork at a podium while he was talking to somebody which seems far fetched but in the dream I thought it had maybe a 30% chance of success and I was going to help him somehow

Then there was another section where it was me but it wasn't me it was somebody who was maybe a little bit younger than me but not a lot she was maybe like 45 and she was tanned and she had very bleached hair she kind of reminded me of this woman I used to work with at Starbucks named Jan back in the early days when I was first a manager and I was sitting in some kind of a diner and I was talking to this guy who was rich and he had this history of investing in certain types of businesses like one of them was coffee shops and he invested in them not so much because he wanted them as an investment but because he wanted a place he could go that was like you know his special little place or something and I was trying to work him somehow and I don't remember most of the conversation but one line was like what are you going to do when you run out of coffee shops and he's like do you have a coffee shop cuz I guess he sort of knew me enough to know I had this history with coffee shops and I'm like I don't but I might

and then there was the section at the end and it might have been connected with that I'm uncertain but on the radio there was a song playing and it was like I think a famous song or a famous band but it was like when I have my death day party

anyway that's it and I did this all on narration so it's probably garbage yeah I just said gobbledygook and it put garbage so God knows what it did to the rest of it hopefully this is good enough that I'll be able to tell what it says

poem: fricative 4:1

i live in the ether
between the raindrops
my atoms scatter out
to the four winds
to the seven seas
i'm not contained in this body

and the more i try
to be contained
the more
i hurt

i don't want to be coherent, cohesive, controlled, cataloged, caught

i'm meant to be a wild thing


i've been
for the last few years
so caged by the circumstances, some of my own doing, some not
i haven't written poems, haven't had the soul for it, sold for it not
i'm an old woman
and a little girl
it's the maiden
escapes me

wind
you're meant
to carry me away
with turbulence and
mellow breezes alike
you're meant to lift me off
maybe like a leaf swirling swirling smashing into a tree
maybe like a puff of dandelion scattering dancers on the breeze

but
where are the desert references
where would we be
without we dance
beneath the milky way in the way
only possible on the ocean floor of prehistoric imagination
desert floor blooming in my mind, and the colors run and jump
to become a desert wind
and round and round again
until for closure's sake we must
finally finally
consumate
in a tent, so best
not wait too long
that shit
is not
getting
more comfortable

nite chat: 4:1

so
i said i was taking two weeks off
and that's almost up
monday
i have to figure out some new
selling my old stuff on poshmark or ebay
starting a youtube channel
idk  something
i thought i had gotten back to myself
but idk about today
today was
i thought maybe going to be promising
with journeying
but then
there was texting mom
and other distractions
and maybe i shouldn't listen to those briefings
and now
i'm sort of panicked again


so my journey was interrupted
and i was about to go take them again
but
i thought maybe i owed you coherency
so imma write a little bit first
then dose
then write some more


i unfollowed that shaman-y chick
and i accepted the follow requests from the people
i worked with that were private accounts
i don't want to mess up my feed
but
i mean
wtf
they're people i care about
i can look at their pictures
in my feed
i'd rather go look at them
all at once
keeping it separate from my feed
but
i don't have that as an option
so fine

i am weird
but i'm not really using it as social media
or
rather
i sort of am
but just for new friends i'm making
but mostly still magazine
i have my feed set up
where almost every picture is
like, like, like, like, like
and
i don't really want my old job
reminders
new life
but
*shrug*

this all makes me sound like a bitch, right


anyway
i was just now in my facebook feed
and i hate it
idk why exactly
but
someone had a post
the song that was the number one hit
the day you were born
is your quarantine theme
and i thought
huh
wonder what that was
so i looked it up

so that's like a sign

things

might get rough

but

that's a sign

and

i'm gonna start writing

something more structured

i'm still gonna write this

[and whose to say this doesn't turn into

something more structured later]

but

i probably need to stop floating and make myself

act like i know what i'm doing

i wanna float

but

the new thing doesn't immediately become lucrative

right

gotta figure this all out

because there isn't money to move to the country yet

and

also

don't know where i'm going

like geographically

or anything

my cat

has almost adjusted to the change

he's very confused

and he's been picking up on my anxiety

but

he's settled back into sleeping

on the blanket

about three feet from me

when he gets freaked out

he sleeps under my chair

he's a sweet boy

and hasn't cut me much

yesterday i was petting him

and i said don't get all riled up

because he does

and then he has to bite and scratch

he gets over stimulated

and

after i said that

i could see the concentration on his face

he was really trying

and that's not new

but

i don't think i've told you about it before

and besides

it really touched me

i figured out what to do about the bra situation

i had these two bras

which i ordered

and i couldn't fasten them up

i wasn't sure if they were too small

or if my arms just weren't flexible enough

because it wasn't a regular bra

it was a camisole bra

but with support

so there was more

arms behind your back-ness needed

than usual

and i almost sent them back

but at that point

i thought i was losing a bunch of weight

which now may or may not

end up being the case

but

today

i thought

i'll just give that bra a try

i believe it would be just the thing

if i can get it on

and

arms all the way back

up and down the like five latches

no problem

so

that's cool

i don't feel good about today in gerneral though

today felt wasted

i'm going to leave this here

and

i just checked

and myrka has no pictures on instagram

she must just have the account so she can look at pictures

so

that works out fine

and

i kinda wish she had pictures

am i not just the damndest thing?!

daniel hasn't responded back yet

but i saw him on facebook

and it's all just gonna be cute pictures of his kids

so

probably good there too

i love you

i'm gonna go dose

and then i'll be back

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:1 [sorry i thought i took the in progress off]

i slept in
i didn't really mean to
but i went down deep
i had a bunch of dreams too
but i can't remember any of them

i did the poke root + motherwort again
but i added wild alaskan rose oil (hemp oil)
and
thet seemed to do the trick
no weird stuff
but i barely made it in the bed
before i passed out
and then
when i got up to pee
i didn't really wake up

i finally got up
like less than an hour ago

my flower essences are here
i already have dosed them
four drops of each in some water

i don't know if i feel different

i feel different generally
like there's more space inside my body
[i have to clarify
i don't mean that's how i feel
like specifically now
but have been feeling
for the last few days]


i had to get up and stretch
i'm physically restless
and
very a.d.d. today
i haven't even been up that long

i feel like
my spirit is trying to go somewhere
and it doesn't want to have to focus on
staying grounded


i love you
i'll be back in a little while

nite chat: 4:1

my chest was hurting today
and i'm all like
omg, the rona got my heart
but then i'm like shut up fool
you haven't worn a bra for like four or five days
your muscles are probably just sore
and i've had a bra on
since like 4:30 this afternoon
and viola no more chest pain
it is a little tight
but i can't tell that that's any reason for concern
i can breathe
maybe i'll sleep in the bra
i hate bras

i couldn't really focus today

i keep thinking about john prine
i wanted to pray for him
but i wasn't sure what to say

ok god, i said
i'm not sure what's best for him
i guess it depends on a lot of circumstances
that i don't know anything about
but
i don't want him to die
the idea of him dying makes me
just really sad
and i know he's lived a long life
but
he's got more to contribute to the world
right

god's not talking to me about that


i hope you are doing ok
the trip out to the grocery pick up
was more than enough outside for me today
but
i might need to go for a walk
i just can't focus
i've got to get the anxiety under control

sunflower
dandelion
marigold/calendula
elecampane

that's what i'm up to for fairly certain
they're all yellow flowered weeds
sunflower doesn't seem to be medicinal to people
only bees
but the other ones are

i love you very much
goodnight sweetheart

quotidienne: coffee + toast 3:31

i'm having anxiety
i mean
on my surface i'm boppin along just fine
move along nothin to see here
but
inside
there's some roiling action going on

i'm having a big question about my psychic thing
saying everything's ok
how can that be right

then
i'm looking at the shaman in training that i follow on instagram
and, i mean, i'm not even sure i think she's trying
to be a shaman
what i really believe is that she wants to engage in
and lead "drug" ceremonies
not just ayahuasca
but i don't see her doing anything else
i would call shaman-y
so i'm not exactly hanging on her every word
but
she is going pretty hard on the not really a problem
with the zombie flu
like it's all a hoax to take our freedoms away
and
it's making me want to unfollow her
i'm definitely sympathetic to that mindset, generally
but
i started out thinking this was no big deal
looking at the "statistics" that were on the ground
back in february
but as stuff started to come out of milan
the information on the ground
didn't seem to support those "statistics"

and
this morning
my twitter feed
and i know, i know
twitter is not necessarily an accurate reflection of life
but it was blowing up with people in nyc
talking about their loved ones who died last night
and none of these people are dying with their loved ones at their sides
and
i'm gonna have to get this at some point
and i am afraid now

i've continued taking the poke root
i took it the first day
then not the next day
and i've taken it every night since
so, like, three or four times
one drop every time
i feel like it's improving my physical condition
whatever that is
and then last night
i decided to try something
i added 5 drops (which is a very small dose)
of motherwort
which has no toxicity and is good for anxiety
and is heart strengthening
and is good for "woman stuff"
i thought i might be about to start my period
and i'm worried about the virus hitting my heart
so i thought
focus the medicine on these two areas
that i'm concerned about
and then
i lay down in bed
and my heart did weird stuff
i've had it race before
that's a woman thing apparently
but this was not that
it felt like it was off rhythm
and it freaked me out a little
but then
i'm like
it's 5 fucking drops
whatever it is
it's not gonna kill ya
and then
i fell instantly to sleep

that's one of the things ya gotta know about me
i just pass out
i don't usually drift off
i'm like awake
and then
i'm out

i woke up
happy
with a gratitude for life
and all it's beauty
that, seriously dude, i never have
much less wake up with
and so

i'm not really sure how to take that as healer feedback
scary heart stuff
then
heart bursting with joy
maybe it had to clear out some shit
idk
but this is turning out to be
a very freaky
quarantine

i've been searching around
i haven't got
coherent thoughts
i will post something
still floating

Ok

I've been up

for a little while

I stretched out my left shoulder

in quite a satisfying way

I don't seem to have found the analogue

for the right one

I'm gonna take a shower

and then grab some coffee

I love you sweetheart

Stayed up too late

Sleeping in a little bit

I'll be up soon like maybe another 30 minutes

goodnight sweetheart
i'll talk to you tomorrow
probably getting up early again
had somewhat limited success with
not being on the computer all day
my end of the world friend says

painful eye muscles is one of the symptoms

occum's razor dude
shut up
today is day 10
well, 10 and 1/2 now
don't tell me some shit about eye muscle pain

anyway
whatever
i hope you're doing well
i love you very much

commentary: 3:30

what does this fucking man want

are reporters supposed to

offer to suck him off?!

oh thank you

thank you for finally, finally

taking this shit seriously

(or pretending to)

because it's all about PR folks

why aren't you lovin' me now?!

there's only today, right

no context

and what are you wasting you're time here

asking me rude questions

why aren't you

investigating those hospitals

I mean

if you go from only needing masks

for some patients

to needing them with every patient

and for all nurses and orderlies

for every patient

why would you use more masks

must be selling em out the back door

(that's what I'd do, 

but I'm not saying that out loud)

WTF!!

quotidienne: food thoughts 3:30

so
i have food pickup scheduled
at the heb tomorrow
between 5:30 and 6pm
which was the soonest i could get
they claim to have soy milk
and bread
and broccoli
the eggs were $7.
so i'm going to try to get those from imperfect produce
i'm not quite out of eggs
i'm really jones'n for a mushroom cream cheese omelet
i think between the two places
i might be able to make that happen by friday

imperfect produce has strawberries
doesn't that sound amazing
and lettuce
no cucumbers either place

i have chickpeas and beans
and some canned goods
so
i mean
i'll be ok if the fresh food supply chain breaks down
for a while
but
if that happens
i'm going down to one small meal a day
to preserve supplies
so
i won't be too happy then

mmmmmmm
salad with dressing made from fresh lemon and cilantro and olive oil
with red onion
all that can be mine
possibly as early as thursday night

and
i just had a pear and an orange
what do you think of that?!

i have a bunch of containers of water in the kitchen
in case i needed water
and they have been working
in two spots on the street
but
as far as i can tell
the water hasn't gone out

i ran down to the mailbox in a panic
because i was gonna check the mail
and i forgot until right at 9:00
and
i had a big debate about whether i should wait
because what if i got back from checking mail
and couldn't wash my hands?!
but
i reasoned that
probably
the water wouldn't go off instantly at 9:00
i was right
whew