quotidienne: coffee + toast 3:31

i'm having anxiety
i mean
on my surface i'm boppin along just fine
move along nothin to see here
but
inside
there's some roiling action going on

i'm having a big question about my psychic thing
saying everything's ok
how can that be right

then
i'm looking at the shaman in training that i follow on instagram
and, i mean, i'm not even sure i think she's trying
to be a shaman
what i really believe is that she wants to engage in
and lead "drug" ceremonies
not just ayahuasca
but i don't see her doing anything else
i would call shaman-y
so i'm not exactly hanging on her every word
but
she is going pretty hard on the not really a problem
with the zombie flu
like it's all a hoax to take our freedoms away
and
it's making me want to unfollow her
i'm definitely sympathetic to that mindset, generally
but
i started out thinking this was no big deal
looking at the "statistics" that were on the ground
back in february
but as stuff started to come out of milan
the information on the ground
didn't seem to support those "statistics"

and
this morning
my twitter feed
and i know, i know
twitter is not necessarily an accurate reflection of life
but it was blowing up with people in nyc
talking about their loved ones who died last night
and none of these people are dying with their loved ones at their sides
and
i'm gonna have to get this at some point
and i am afraid now

i've continued taking the poke root
i took it the first day
then not the next day
and i've taken it every night since
so, like, three or four times
one drop every time
i feel like it's improving my physical condition
whatever that is
and then last night
i decided to try something
i added 5 drops (which is a very small dose)
of motherwort
which has no toxicity and is good for anxiety
and is heart strengthening
and is good for "woman stuff"
i thought i might be about to start my period
and i'm worried about the virus hitting my heart
so i thought
focus the medicine on these two areas
that i'm concerned about
and then
i lay down in bed
and my heart did weird stuff
i've had it race before
that's a woman thing apparently
but this was not that
it felt like it was off rhythm
and it freaked me out a little
but then
i'm like
it's 5 fucking drops
whatever it is
it's not gonna kill ya
and then
i fell instantly to sleep

that's one of the things ya gotta know about me
i just pass out
i don't usually drift off
i'm like awake
and then
i'm out

i woke up
happy
with a gratitude for life
and all it's beauty
that, seriously dude, i never have
much less wake up with
and so

i'm not really sure how to take that as healer feedback
scary heart stuff
then
heart bursting with joy
maybe it had to clear out some shit
idk
but this is turning out to be
a very freaky
quarantine