lucky signs

I looked it up

& a more conventional reading of

the EMPRESS and DEATH 

is TRANSFORMATION 

like BIG life transformation 

& it's a ten year

& snake year

the shedding of the snake skin

& NEXT YEAR is a one year

& HORSE

I am a horse so theoretically it should be

a good year

& it's my Jupiter return 

I THINK 

because jupiter will be in Leo

& that's my birth configuration jupiter in Leo

I'm pretty sure 

the year I met you was a jupiter return 

I'm feeling off

TODAY 

I mostly rested

I took a long bath

I slept till ten thirty

I did a tarot reading just a little bit ago 

& I got the EMPRESS 

& DEATH

again 

WHAT 

does that MEAN 

I thought it was about 

how I don't connect 

connect-y enough 

BUT 

I got the 

FOOL 

TOO 

I KNOW I haven't been 

my normal self 

if I have a normal 

which I'm not even sure about 

BUT 

I don't know what 

I'm doing wrong with the advice

EMPRESS/DEATH 

as the answer

passed out

I fell asleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

stream of consciousness, I guess

I started watching that video again 

& I realized 

some stuff in the early part

might sound 

BAD

I was eating soup

& BASKING 

in not freaking out ness

& it SEEMED profound at the time 

I can't remember WHY

NO

that's not quite true

there were a bunch of little things 

that KINDA hit

BUT 

there was this part like halfway through ish

HOW 

I was gonna say things

that were

MEANINGFUL to people 

& that is specifically 

something I'm 

TRYING 

to do

I'm watching it again 

& it's already 

sort of been mentioned 

I FEEL like 

things are changing 

I'm not sure what is gonna happen 

AND

I'm KINDA 

TRUSTING that

I want to FOCUS on 

that the universe is in the process of 

taking me where I'm going 

& spending time 

WORRYING 

playing out bad scenarios in my HEAD 

will MAKE them TRUE 

BUT 

then this evening I say that australian woman

who does the sixteen personalities 

who doesn't like INFJs

she had ONE on nightmares 

INFJ nightmare --

INCOMING -- JUMP SCARE

but then there isn't one

& I LAUGHED 

I thought that tracked

BUT 

then she had, DREAMING 

&

I didn't laugh 

it made me

question 

myself 

she had a woman 

OH FIREFLY 

I have followed you to the magic grove

& here is Excalibur 

that can ONLY 

be taken from the rock by someone who is worthy

I AM WORTHY

& then Arthur pops UP and says -- THIS is MINE 

& she says

NO IT'S 

NOT 

I MEAN 

if the magical firefly led me there

I'm afraid 

I'm not 

taking some RANDO's word for it

BUT 

it still made me feel

the "you are nothing special" 

that deborah told me

what SEEMED like regularly 

though it was probably 

FEWER times than

it felt like

dis-identify with the archetype 

it's a fair criticism 

I guess

BUT 

I'm unable to laugh at it

because it ignores what I consider to be

a strength

the ability to still be able to believe in myself

when so many 

don't believe 

in themselves at all

& I do have battles sometimes 

BUT 

I MEAN 

MAGIC FIREFLY 

DUH

weird dreams

I mean the dreams last night

we're bizarre

my brother was in one

BUT 

I don't really remember 

there was something about his thumb

& a hat I think I tore stuff off of

IDK

I was moving around 

it seemed like

a campus

MAYBE 

maybe a very hippie campus

OR post apocalyptic 

there was a Volkswagen beetle 

that was being used as a 

TOILET 

& you push a button

and the waste just goes out the bottom 

I went to a class

it was in a trailer 

the front living room part was the classroom 

& the prof lived in the back

I was having trouble 

CONCENTRATING

so I went out

onto the plywood ramp out the door

to gather myself 

then I went back in

& apologized

said I had a hard time focusing right now 

& I would TRY 

& I would leave if I couldn't help being distracting 

I had heard the shower 

while I was outside 

& I asked 

someone 

sitting next to me

she sh*t her diaper 

& was cleaning up 

they said

I'm really tired and I'm going to bed early I'll try to articulate more tomorrow -- I feel like a rollercoaster ride

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

🫶

it was a research-y day

when I was cleaning out her house 

I found paperwork 

that I was like

I MAYBE 

NEED

THAT

& I put it in a accordion file

I've been looking up

LEGAL STUFF 

about power of attorney 

& guardianship

& it was seeming like it was gonna be 

a REAL HEADACHE 

SO

then I'm LIKE 

well, I think the will is in there

let me look

in 2016

when she had the will drawn up 

she ALSO had

a power of attorney 

& a guardianship

drawn up

she just never gave them to me

& it has her lawyer's info too

there's still stuff to do 

BUT 

my stress just got

BETTER 

okay I'm really going to bed now goodnight sweetheart

I was thinking about 

WHEEL you to CANADA

today

& that great story 

about mis-heard SONGS 

whittle you to kindling

it made me

HAPPY 

snow in hot places

ANXIOUS 

& terrified 

are

MAKING an APPEARANCE 

still not asleep 

gotta stop 

thinking

thinking 

TOO much 

gotta HOLD

the JOY 

the day it sn❄️we'd los angeles

and then he said that thing

I FORGOT the

FIRST part

he had christmas music

which normally 

I KINDA 

like

but this year I'm right off it

& they were PLAYING let it snow on the RADIO 

& I SAID let it snow ❄️ 

let it snow ❄️

I've been taking Ubers

to see my mom

& I've been thinking 

it was because I didn't want to deal with parking 

& walking further on my knees

BUT 

I think 

it's actually for the

RANDOM HUMAN interaction 

the guy who brought me home today 

his daughter 

is SIX

she wants to see

SNOW 

for christmas 

she doesn't understand 

WHY

it doesn't snow here

LIKE 

in the christmas MOVIES 

SNOW 

is 

pretty 

MAGICAL 

you could take her somewhere it snows

yeah, I was thinking of Colorado

is it snowing now in colorado 

I'm not sure 

I think SO 

I was in keystone once for a conference 

in APRIL 

there was STILL snow on the ground 

I think colorado sounds 

WONDERFUL 

& there ALL IN to

OUTDOORS 

so there's 

LOTS 

of STUFF to DO 

outdoors 

it's a LOT the RESPONSIBILITY 

it's the first 

TRULY 

PERMANENT 

commitment 

I MEAN 

I guess they'll be 

ADULTS 

but

yeah

I'm exhausted

well

I had the meeting 

BUT 

it wasn't exactly what I thought it was gonna be 

I've got a LOT of RESEARCH to do 

she just wants to b*tch and complain 

she doesn't really want to 

ENGAGE with REALITY 

her physical therapist 

says

she CAN stand

she just seems to be 
AFRAID 

she refuses to do anything except what she is made to do

& she is in charge 

SO

if she tells them 

NO 

they can't make her

she's verbally abusive 

I was having a conversation with her

you know how if you're rude to a waiter

they might spit in your food

WELL 

these are PEOPLE with FEELINGS 

you NEED to treat the with RESPECT and 

NOT be calling them

"dumb b*tches"

when you're screaming that at me

you don't think they can ALL HEAR THAT 

can you just ACT LIKE a NICE person 

if they do something that hurts

can you not just SAY

that HURTS 

PLEASE 

do x,y,z instead of what you're doing 

I ate & I was gonna go gather trash at her apartment 

BUT 

I think my head hurts too bad

I think I'm just going to go to sleep 

get up in the morning 

to do research 

I'm not going to go see her tomorrow 

I may watch a show to decompress 

I'm not freaking out anymore 

BUT 

I AM a little overwhelmed 

NOW

anytime I'm talking about anything to do with 

REALITY, basically 

she says I'm being 

MEAN to her

I'm KINDA over it

she says they are

BEATING her

& MUTILATING her

show me a bruise I say

look at my butt, she says

she has been complaining LOUDLY about 

constipation 

they're giving her laxatives

& monday they gave her an enema 

which she said had no effect 

on monday night

then today she says

she had a five hour ordeal enema yesterday 

she didn't have another enema

& I'm SURE they didn't spend five hours 

giving her an enema on monday 

she bruises very easy

she has no bruises

since she lies constantly 

I don't believe her

this whole thing is likely to get

WEIRDER

before it gets better 

I talked to the doctor who comes once a week 

she's gonna give her a mild anti-depressant

there's an exercise session 

EVERY DAY

BUT 

she's been refusing to go to that

the same way she's 

REFUSING 

everything else

I told the activity director 

that i'd REALLY 

REALLY 

like her to do that EVERY day 

BUT 

they can't MAKE her

MAN

I really wish

she would do things in her own best interest

good morning sweetheart, I hope you have a beautiful day

I dreamed 

we were in our early to mid twenties 

& at some kind of

RETREAT 

or something 

& we slept in the same bed

& it was very 

INTIMATE

& cool & stuff 

we didn't have s*x, I don't think 

BUT 

we bonded

& it's all kinda fuzzy

BUT 

I feel better 

this morning 

exhausted, going to bed

I'm going to talk to the social worker tomorrow 

assuming the meeting is still happening 

I did find her Charles Schwab statement 

& she doesn't seem to be lying about 

having money

I will talk to her

& probably 

her lawyer

if I can find him

I don't really think I can live with 

turning her over to the state

or whatever 

BUT 

I don't want to be 

TRAPPED 

into anything 

& I don't trust her at all

SO

IDK

what is going to happen 

BUT 

I'm trying to keep an open mind

I'm not signing anything 

until I feel like I have a handle on it

BUT 

I don't want to be the worst person ever 

EITHER 

I didn't go see her

& I didn't try to call back

& if she & marian worked out

something on their own to cut me out

THAT

is A OK with me 

BUT 

I don't think power of attorney 

gives me the power to make her go into a nursing home if she doesn't want to 

I think it gives me power 

to act FOR her

BUT 

NOT 

OVER her

& I'm not sure that helps

because she WANTS 

OFTEN 

contradictory sh*t 

or crazy sh*t

& I don't want to hear it anymore 

ANYWAY 

I'm exhausted and I'm going to bed

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I hope to be more fun

hopefully soon

goodnight 

❤️

weird dream

I forgot to tell you about my dream 

I had my old car

brick red

buick century

& I had it full

of bolt action rifles 

the wooden handles matched the car

they were visible through the window 

& the lot was full of national guard, or something 

somebody I was conspiring with

had, I think, explosives

in their car

& they

we're

freaking out 

BUT 

it was fine

nobody noticed anything 

I'm not sure what we were going to do 

we didn't do it in the dream

utxhfxlgdvitdhr75#+&$(&"63@+

I was going to the SNF to see my mom

BUT 

then her friend marian 

called & was wanting to know my mom's 

attorney because my mom wants to get a power of attorney drawn up

& I don't think I want to do that

it says I have to pay her taxes

& manage all her affairs 

& probably not get

PAID for it if I'm family

I don't want that

I realize

I could then put her away

which is I'm SURE 

why this hasn't happened before 

BUT 

I don't feel like 

this is good for me

she can't remember her lawyer's name

I'm freaking out 

FREAKING OUT

MAYBE 

I will go see her tonight 

MAYBE 

I'm done for today 

I sort of think 

I'm going to her apartment to try to find

STATEMENTS

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

SEND positive vibes my way

FREAKING OUT 

morning

I think I forgot to take my 

L-theanine yesterday 

my ANXIETY is 

HIGH 

I feel like I want to 

CRY, again 

I'm stressed about seeing the social worker 

I'm stressed about leaving the house now 

to be clear 

the social worker called me 

told me if I wanted to be

present 

I could come

or call in

the social worker seems to be just assigned to the CASE

not anything to do with 

ME

BUT 

I feel like I should be there 

SO I know what is going on 

BUT 

I have irrational fear

that people are going to MAKE me 

I don't WANT to SEE her TODAY 

I don't feel like I can handle 

ANYTHING 

I'm sure I CAN 

BUT 

I'm feeling run screaming from the room energy 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a more

psychologically steady

beautiful day 

I'm having some issues 

BUT 

I have faith in myself 

I will pull this out

I'm not trying to abandon her 

I'm just not willing to 

SACRIFICE myself for her

I AM

& I WANT to be the

gentle, fragile, parts of myself 

that I WANT to be

BUT 

I don't feel SAFE 

& SO I'm stuck

with the iron man suit

& I guess 

THAT is what I'm weepy about

f*CK

I think I am at least partially weepy

that I don't trust my mother

I WANT to have a mother

who loves and protects me

OR

WHO DID 

BUT 

I'm the one who has the mother

who just non-stop 

tries to manipulate me

who is trying to remember how to 

PRETEND

in the hopes of manipulating me

& I don't know what 

of the things she says 

is TRUE, if anything 

& I'm tired

JUST TIRED

& SAD

& SCARED

& wishing there was a WAY to 

CONTROL the situation 

so I felt like I could handle it

goodnight sweetheart I LOVE you VERY much

I took a long bath 

I was nodding off in the chair 

I'm sleepy 

sleepy

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

more thoughts

BUT 

I AM making it sound like 

sh*t is NOT about to get

MORE complicated 

MORE intense

DANGEROUS 

BUT 

it IS 

I know it is

& the IDEA that I'm not going to have to deal with her stuff 

seems

vanishingly small 

I FEEL 

vulnerable 

& I WISH 

I felt 

braver

thoughts

I gotta say

if I had known things would go the way they have 

MAYBE 

I would have run the other way

I wasn't doing any of this

FOR HER

I was trying to 

RESOLVE 

myself 

&

I didn't realize 

that there was no there there with her

&

I find it

SAD

&

DISAPPOINTING 

BUT 

this is just who she is

she seems more coherent 

she says she signed her 

paperwork 

BUT 

I'm not going to be her caregiver 

&

I KNOW she THINKS 

her telling me 

she has all this money 

is supposed to make me want to sit on her

to make sure I get it, but that was

NEVER my GOAL

there's a social worker 

coming to see her wednesday 

maybe that will get her activated 

I'm not trying to 

RUN 

BUT 

I'm not taking on responsibility for her

she has to decide what she wants to do 

with my being caregiver 

NOT 

an option 

it's all JUST, I mean 

I don't even know what to believe 

& HOW will I know when her cagey ludicrous answers to direct questions are JUST her b*llsh*t

& WHEN 

they cross over into

SENILE 

I mean I 

WISH

I had completely resolved all my issues 

BUT 

that's probably not realistic 

SHE couldn't remember what my second degree was in, but she also wouldn't come to the second graduation ceremony 

I ALREADY DID ONE

she lovingly

explained

LIKE 

I already humored you once

WHY

are you trying to make me acknowledge you 

AGAIN 

SO

I didn't even take that as a possible proof of 

memory loss

jason

just can't be relied on

not to f*CK me up

I've given him chances

NOW he has to

LIVE with the

CONSEQUENCES of PROVING himself 

UNSAFE 

I'm ONLY doing 

ONE

TOXIC 

family member at a time

& he hasn't given me 

ANYTHING 

that makes me WANT to put him ON DECK

SO

I'm sorry 

HE

had a bad life, if he did

he's just gonna have to deal with people who can deal with him

I don't 

BELIEVE 

I am one of those people 

when I went to see him and my dad back in 2007

it was my assessment at the time

that time with my dad 

would not be productive 

I was just gonna have to figure that sh*t out 

ON MY OWN

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm going to try 

dream myself 

BACK 

to

some semblance of me

I recognized 

not going to see her tomorrow either 

weather excuse 

gonna try to 

work on

STUFF 

I'm not sure 

HOW I'm doing 

everything has an unsettling quality to it

Jason has been sending me things I'm not opening 

I have all these feelings I can't find a name for 

I feel like I haven't been very fun

for ages

& I intermittently have 

I wanna dance with somebody 

stuck in my HEAD 

I've had a headache all day

& my knees

are stiff

& uncomfortable 

which is to say

BETTER 

I think 

it was a weird day

it's been a long day 

or maybe not

LONG

BUT 

WEIRD 

I drove my mother's car 

there's gonna be a freeze

& I wasn't sure exactly 

HOW LONG it had been since it was driven

there has been a surreal quality to all of today

random stuff

I preframed them

whether that was right to do

or not

I think she's depressed 

& she just wants to

SLEEP 

she needs interaction 

& she getting sick 

of my nagging 

I'm having FEELS about her

&

about my feelings about her

&

about wanting to hand her over to someone 

I WISH she wasn't 

the way she is

I worked on throwing things away

I have to beat the stuff thing

OH

and I VOTED -- run off election city council 

AT LARGE

salinas wants to

BLOCK 

& file injunctions & basically 

F!GHT !CE

boykins

wants to co-operate

I want to see how it comes out 

mom thoughts

well

I didn't go see her

BUT 

I called her and harassed her and she says

she went and ate lunch in the lunch room 

& had ten minutes of P/T

in the P/T room

&

I mobilized the

studio friends 

to get

visits today and tomorrow 

ANXIETY & RAGE

good morning sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I'm freaking out a little bit 

my mom 

who I'm not going to SEE, but I did call

SOUNDS a little sharper

BUT 

she didn't have them put her in the chair 

& she had them turn off the TV 

RIGHT AFTER I left

I'm LIKE 

when you sleep all the time 

you get loopy

& you come across as

SENILE 

if you get pegged as senile

you are gonna end up 

SOMEPLACE 

you don't want to be 

PULL it TOGETHER 

I know she's depressed 

not equipped to deal with living in reality 

AT ALL

not doing well with the 

FACING her MORTALITY 

I'm LIKE 

check if they have a counselor or something 

failing THAT 

have them take you to services tomorrow 

I'm SURE they'll do THAT 

She's NOT senile

she's having an existential crisis 

BUT 

she has to DO this

nobody can 

FIX her life

for her

MAYBE 

a mental hospital 

would be more appropriate 

BUT 

I doubt that is what the social worker wants to talk to me about 

I'm not feeling terrified

I don't have a good feeling about how this is going down

BUT 

not terrified

it was a rough day

I am expressing my 

RAGE to my mother 

I don't know if that's good or not

BUT 

I'm just KINDA letting whatever comes up 

come up

BUT 

she's acting weird 

she just wants to sleep 

& she's avoiding 

getting up

like she'll do whatever physical therapy 

they MAKE her do

BUT 

she doesn't want to 

get wheeled down to the common area

& I'm LIKE 

I don't care if you

WANT to interact or not

when you sleep all the time 

you get dozy & disoriented 

you NEED to FOCUS 

you NEED to PULL it TOGETHER 

& COMMIT

to your recovery 

you aren't in a nursing home 

you are in a skilled nursing facility to REHAB 

do you want to end your life the way

shirley did

if you don't LOOK at me

RIGHT NOW 

& SAY something 

that makes me 

BELIEVE 

that you are committed to fighting for your

RECOVERY 

I'm going to turn on the TV and leave it on when I leave

she was not convincing 

as I walked out of the room 

I'm LIKE 

I can't make you

STAY AWAKE 

BUT 

I CAN 

make it harder to sleep

I went out and talked to her nurse 

we had talked already 

don't let her give you any crap

she was living alone

she was driving herself around 

playing with her little stock market stuff 

she's in some kinda FUNK

& when she just sleeps

she gets loopy

& seems

incoherent 

she NEEDS to interact 

she NEEDS to move around 

if you can get her to go eat in the common area

THAT would be GREAT

I'm f*CKing exhausted 

& I kinda want to 

THRASH her

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I really need to sleep 

I'm not going 

the weekend 

I NEED 

to decompress 

YAY!!! (edited) how could I leave out the MOST important part -- who knows more about sports than me

the MULTI TALENTED 

BRILLIANT 

DB

!!!

good morning watchword for today is maintain

I dreamed 

I started working at some place 

some kind of mash up

of places I've worked 

before 

& the wanted me to pick a color code

for my schedule 

which I'm not exactly clear now

what that meant

BUT 

the code I picked

was BLUE 

I'm awake 

I'm drinking coffee 

I have anxiety about going to see her

BUT 

I want to interact with 

as many of her regular team

as possible 

to make it clear 

she need to

WORK

not just lay around and feel sorry for herself 

OR

WHATEVER 

ya KNOW 

she was seeming kinda scared and rejected 

& I ASKED her if she wanted to talk about it 

even though she greeted me with 

SO

you slept til TWO 

which was neither respectful nor friendly 

BUT 

she didn't WANT to 

TALK 

she wanted to complain 

& insinuate 

that I put her in a sh*tty place on purpose 

it's a boutique nursing home 

& one of only four choices I had

which I researched 

which she didn't 

want to do on her phone in the hospital room 

I called her nurse friend 

as per her request 

& that eliminated two of the four

one was fancier and close to me

one was less fancy

& NOT 

I put those as first and second choice

in the order of closeness

because if you don't 

stop by

THEN 

maybe nobody cares

& maybe when you are a f*CKing b*tch

they then just don't try so hard

BUT 

if it looks like people 

CARE

about you

they give you more

benefit of the doubt

MAYBE it doesn't matter 

dream time

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

little memories

my father was very vain

he was always looking in the mirror 

& he started going bald

very young

& he was

WEIRD 

about 

it

after the doctor had said that to me

maybe not right after, but generally 

my dad told me this big story

I think he was trying to 

EXPLAIN 

bulimia 

to me

not the best day ever

I don't feel good 

about today 

I went to the skilled nursing facility 

which is in a nursing home 

a really nice nursing home 

which she HATES 

it was WEIRD energy 

everybody else was super nice

I do feel like I need to go tomorrow 

although I really don't want to 

BUT 

then I have to take the weekend off at least 

this person 

who told me her name but I'm terrible at names 

SO I FORGOT 

but she said she was a supervisor 

THRUST 

this packet of paperwork AT ME

I read through it 

& I don't understand HOW this FITS 

with what I was TOLD at the hospital 

BUT 

I understand that if I sign any piece of THAT 

I'm legally liable for moneys 

supervisor was gone

I turned to my mom

I'm LIKE 

I can read this to you

you can read it yourself 

OR

we can get her in here to explain it to you 

BUT 

I ain't signin' sh*t

I don't have power of attorney 

& I don't have access to 

your money

SO

THIS 

is YOUR paperwork 

I filled in the information lines

good morning sweetheart

OK

well 

I listened to that song

& now it's stuck in my HEAD 

& it's TOO bouncy

& HAPPY 

to cry

SO

I guess I'm better

BUT 

I might still need to cry

MAYBE in the shower 

the extra sleep doesn't seem to have fixed me

I slept twelve hours 

I dreamed a BUNCH of stuff I can't remember 

although I DID have one dream

where I was taking a college 

class -- maybe I had taken it before 

MAYBE 

I was checking to see if I still had

the mental capacity 

OR

SOMETHING 

BUT 

there was a guy there

maybe it was you

& we were discussing the paper

& it was due in like six days

& we were like

maybe we should start on it -- ha ha

& then the professor 

came up to me

& wanted me to make some other student 

SEE something 

he opened the door 

there was a guy

sitting at the end of a long table full of people 

& he had like a jewelry making set up

& he had this case set up

that blocked him off

from the other people 

it was LARGELY glass

or possibly plexiglass 

SO 

it was SEE-THROUGH

& the prof could not explain it 

in a way that this guy

could SEE it

BUT 

for some reason 

I just pointed things out

in relation to 

people 

& he got it right away 

I don't know what that means 

& I'm EXTREMELY EMOTIONAL 

I'm not sure WHY

maybe just

overwrought 

BUT 

I saw two sad cat videos 

& my little monster 

stratched me

& I'm done

I'm having to work to hold back tears

MAYBE 

I should JUST 

CRY

I'm a wreck

more thoughts

alright I ate

STRESS ATE really 

I ordered a cheeseburger 

I had oatcakes and bone broth 

SO

I'm pretty light for the rest of the day

it was a good exercise 

because it made me realize 

I would have preferred 

to have

SOUP

I am loving the TOFU which is KINDA 

an experiment 

in phyto-estrogens

& plant protein 

it was supposed to have MISO TOO but it got 

TOO SALTY 

BUT 

in a TWIST 

the nutritional yeast 

has glutamine 

or glutamic acid

which is BIG UMAMI

& helps joint pain 

UNLESS 

I'm confused 

I'm too tired to cross check right now

AGAIN 

I'm not sure how coherent this is

BUT 

I'm finally getting to bed

I thought I'd say 

goodnight 

sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶 

this has been a hard few weeks 

NOT how I WANTED to be

spending them

this high def hard reality me

is hard to integrate

SHE wants to take over

BUT 

she's like my ironman suit

ALSO

I'm about to be fifty nine

BUT 

I don't FEEL 

ADULT 

& I can't quite explain that

semi hysterical ranting

OK

she's at the skilled nursing facility 

I am not certain

what the f*CK is going on

was she faking

she doesn't SEEM 

at all concerned

I ASKED her

if she was

FAKING

& she SAID 

all sarcastic voiced

YES I'm totally faking it 

SO

I MEAN 

MAYBE she is

& she can't say no

I was going to wait with her at the hospital until they came to pick her up and take her

THEN

I thought 

I'll just go with in the ambulance and get her settled and take an uber from there

BUT 

the step on the ambulance was too high to manage with my janky knees

SO

I ended up

NOT going with

& calling an uber 

BUT 

I was in some weird place

the uber just put the hospital & the driver couldn't find me & nobody knew what the street was

& I got semi-hysterical

& started crying a little bit 

& I'm TOAST

I'm not even sure I'm coherent

I'm gonna eat & go to sleep 

I have to go see c*nty tomorrow 

BUT 

then maybe I can have a break 

it's not like they are gonna let me watch her

WORK OUT 

& I don't want to VISIT the ratchet skibbity c*nt

early morning thoughts

I slept in til five

I don't really need to see the cardiologist 

& she might be released today 

to the skilled nursing facility 

SO

I might need to be there longer, maybe 

idk

I'm about at the end of my

ability to bounce back

I hope I don't have to stay longer

I maybe didn't respond to 

something I should have responded to 

& I'm maybe just afraid 

if I get too excited 

I might jinx it

somehow

OR

maybe I just didn't have the bandwidth 

I'm honestly not sure now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you have a beautiful day 

going to bed really early

I am pretty 

WIPED

OUT 

I am going to try to sleep 

& BACK at it

TOMORROW 

doctors

don't make much sense 

& I feel like I gotta be there

BUT 

it's taking a lot out of me

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

piano at the hospital

LIVE piano music 🎵 🎶 🎵 🎶 

I hope you are having magical beautiful times

I'm going to go early again 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

🫶

I hate hospitals

on the uber

on the way to the hospital this morning 

we passed by

where I think my pediatrician was

when I was small

she was the wife

of someone my gran gran knew

from piano circles

I weighed myself yesterday 

I've gained back 

a LOT of the 

WEIGHT 

which I don't understand 

because I'm wearing the same clothes

well pants

dr lorenzen

my pediatrician 

I'm remembering the time

I was like none or ten or something 

she talked to me

ALONE

& told me

that GOD had seen fit to have me 

BORN with 

all my fingers & toes

& I OWED it

to GOD

to lose

the extra weight 

& I think about THAT 

whenever I think about being 

FAT

& I WONDER 

did she f*CKing think I was

FEEDING MYSELF 

why not

MENTION it to the f*CKers who were

DECIDING what I got to EAT

& HOW 

MUCH 

the cardiologist came by

said the surgeon wasn't coming 

because the nurse practitioner had already been by & she was TOO weak to be a good candidate for surgery 

then the surgeon 

DID come by

SAID 

her heart was STRONG 

& she didn't NEED surgery 

I'm LIKE 

she not a good candidate 

he's like 

she doesn't NEED surgery 

NEITHER of them

thought her heart was what brought her in 

the attending

is talking about releasing her to

a skilled nursing facility 

& I'm LIKE 

we don't know what is WRONG with her yet

I'm exhausted 

& frustrated 

& would like proof that she can't walk

magic

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

checking stuff off the list

I had the password right 

I had the user name 

WRONG 

it was a different email 

that I must have signed up with originally 

or something 

BUT 

I did it

all done

not as bad as I was afraid of 

BUT 

higher, yes

things and stuff

TODAY 

songs stuck in my HEAD 

thanksgiving day parade 

miracle and wonder 

a thousand years 

did practice run for tomorrow for time schedule 

did laundry 

drove the car

did visualization to reality exercise which worked*

checked in with mom via text

now icing knee

*a f*CKton of people live in my apartments, but when I come back there is rarely anyone driving in the gate -- I almost always need my card, which I forgot to take with when I left for driving.  Now, I can park on the street, go in, get the card, come back out, drive around the block to the gate -- I didn't want to do that.  So on the way back I visualized a car going in ahead of me and when I got there it was there and the timing was right.

sweet dreams sweetheart

I've gotta sleep 

earlier 

hospital monday 

EARLY 

& I gotta cycle

BACK

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

more thoughts on FEELS

the ANXIETY may have been triggered

by trying to log in to the marketplace 

for the insurance 

&

SOMEHOW 

screwing that up

so I couldn't 

get in

&

some other life things

that I have to DEAL with 

BUT 

that I really really intensely DON'T want to do 

&

I have this NEW thing

where I'm like

you will KNOW what you need to do

WHEN you need to do it

ALL the FEAR just UNDERMINES

KNOW that you CAN HANDLE it

the way you TOLD jason 

he didn't NEED 

to PROVE it 

if he KNEW it 

well I say to YOU NOW in the way that YOU SAID 

YOU don't need to PROVE it 

YOU NEED to 

KNOW it

mind wanderings

I may have done something wrong 

I may have said something 

too generally 

& looked like I didn't engage 

I think that is what I think I might have done WRONG 

this is a thing I sometimes do

I will just say

I probably 

didn't engage properly 

I don't think I have much capacity right now 

BUT 

I got some sparkling bits

& I LOVE you VERY much 

semi coherent

I am still processing a bunch of stuff

& NOW

I'm suddenly 

ANXIOUS

that

I did something that

made you

ANXIOUS 

I am trying to work my way through this 

I had some weird experiences 

at the hospital 

I want to TELL you ABOUT 

& with my mom

I don't even remember 

I was SCREAMING at her

there was a lady at the hospital 

it was like that guy in 

OKEEMAH

I'm vasilating between

EFFICIENT in CHARGE

RAGE

& terrified

with

TINY bits

of mysticism or something 

I mis-heard that line

I have a song in my HEAD that doesn't seem to be on YouTube 

BRIGHT EYES 

by bonnie tyler 

NOT, maybe the WHOLE song

& NOW it's getting all

MIXED in with her

OTHER songs

I loved her voice

BUT 

in my HEAD 

it's LIKE 

TOGETHER we can MAKE it 

to the END of the LINE

LOVE you like a child from the OTHER side 

is that the lyrics as recorded 

WHAT does that MEAN

FOREVER'S 

gonna start 

TONIGHT 

giving off sparks

I really need you tonight 

forever gonna start tonight 

forever gonna start tonight 

I'm not sure if that's 

good or bad

MAYBE 

when I listened to songs as a KID 

I really ONLY FOCUSED on the 

EMOTION

rather than the lyrics as such

it was that raw KINDA damaged sound

I LIKE THAT 

billie, janice, bonnie 

not to the exclusion of other sounds

BUT I CONNECT

I liked old merman too, come to think of it

I hope everything is beautiful where you are

I'm sorry I didn't say much today 

I'm MEGA processing 

as it turns out 

the surgeon will come by

at the hospital on Monday

& he will have a complete set of tests

SO

I guess 

it's all it's all working out 

I ACTUALLY had 

some kinda magical moments 

in the hospital yesterday 

&

hospitals used to kinda trigger me

because of

joan, gran gran, and my dad

BUT 

this was different 

my knees still hurt

BUT 

I remembered 

I had a capsicum & magnesium cream

& THAT helped

I need to try to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

morning

I'm not saying 

I SHOULD have known the make and model 

she's in the Methodist system 

they can look it up

& ALSO

I organized her purse before we went

& she had a card that had the info

SO

I was actually able to tell them

it had just not actually 

even occurred to me that there WERE

multiple brands

my knees still hurt 

I'm not going to the hospital 

unless there's some 

crisis-y reason 

& I'm not even sure she's got a room YET 

I was trying to stay until she got a room 

probably I should have just gone home

little richard seems grumpy

walking fast behind the ambulance guys (not my normal fast -- broke knee fast) seemed to be working at the time, but now = OW

I gave up & left

I need sleep 

& my knees

HURT

& the nine dunn tower west

is FULL

& she is fourth in line

they don't KNOW what's wrong with her yet

it's been a long day

we had to go to the hospital 

they are running 

TESTS

I'm not sure 

it has been a better day

than I imagined 

I had to sponge bathe my mom

which I could have lived 

without 

I got to ride in an ambulance 

which, honestly 

wasn't on my bucket list either 

BUT 

was kinda cool

my mom told this very dramatic story

about falling & crawling across the cold brick

three weeks ago

which doesn't seem to contain 

ANYTHING FACTUAL

I was asked the make and model of her pacemaker 

I didn't know 

she said she got it in twenty twenty one

I'm LIKE 

you didn't get you pacemaker 

during the pandemic 

you've had it

A LONG time 

I thought maybe twenty years 

BUT 

then I'm LIKE no that's not right

TEN

BUT 

she had the battery changed in 

twenty twenty two

SO

that's what she's thinking about 

I REALLY want to SLEEP 

we've been here like seven hours

morning

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you have a beautiful day 

& that tonight is 

MAGIC 

I'm not having a very good start

& I'm freaking out a little 

BUT 

I'm soldiering on

yesterday turned out better than I thought 

TODAY 

will ALSO be 

BETTER 

than I think it will be

almost certainly 

🫶

in a time of monsters

I just saw a video

that caught me up

& they were showing a clip from newsmax

saying WAR CRIME

I think it was jimmy kimmel 

showed a clip of h*gs*the in 2016 talking about 

not following 

ILLEGAL ORDERS

& CONSEQUENCES of war crimes 

SO

you KNOW he KNOWS 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

whew

I guess whatever I did yesterday 

WORKED

when I got there

TODAY 

she was sitting up on the bed

& she said she went to the bathroom twice in the night with the walker

I didn't mention it yesterday, but she called her friend marian & got her all worked up 

TEXTING me 

CALLING me

when I'm already on the way

& I'm LIKE 

not responding 

NOT being wound up 

& I KNEW today

she had talked to her trainer 

& wanted her to come by

"to assemble the foot pedal thing"*

which didn't make any sense 

BUT 

then she told me LATER that as her trainer was a surgical nurse she could assess whether she needed to go to the hospital 

& I'm LIKE 

oh no

she's calling in reinforcements

BUT 

when she got there

my mom was in the bathroom 

SO

I got to talk with her

FIRST

WE 

were on the same page 

& she totally backed my agenda 

SO

MORE walking with the WALKER 

I took batteries for her

blood pressure 

thing-y**

it was normal 

after I made her stand up from the bed

five times 

I took her oxygen 

& it was 💯

I've never 

SEEN

her oxygen go over ninety seven

she was petulant and uncooperative 

BUT 

she did okay 

& we talked about mortality 

& the surgery 

& while I'm not naive enough to think 

she's completely engaged with the 

REALITY

of all THAT 

she didn't just check out either

I'm not sure 

but I think I made progress today 

*which she's had for months unused -- the "assembly" turned out to be plugging it in and putting batteries in the remote 

**I was afraid she might have low pressure 

good morning

I've got THAT song in my HEAD 

as I woke up and since 

I'm having a hard time regulating

& I'm KINDA scared

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 

shoulda BEEN SLEEP thoughts

she's anemic 

her doctor prescribed her 

IRON

she isn't taking 

she hasn't got a lot of pep at the best of times

BUT 

pulling herself up 

OFF the BED

& standing 

up to two minutes 

her oxygen went down IN the ACTION 

when oxygen is USED 

then immediately 

BACK up

to as high as ninety seven

& her GET UP, I can honestly say

OUT--PERFORMED

BASELINE 

I think the bed's a little 

EASIER height

but I'll take it 

I'm not dissuading her from going to the hospital 

I'm saying 

SHE

has to call nine one one

or something 

because I can't lift her into the car

this either

she has been to the doctor 

a BUNCH 

she doesn't feel good 

she wants them to tweek her meds

she likes the

ATTENTION 

I just kept myself away 

NOW

she's suddenly 

in a health

CRISIS

but she's got the surgeon visit 

if she had to go to the

HOSPITAL 

OR

if she can't

MOVE

she won't make the appointment 

BUT 

it was fate or whatever 

& SHE didn't have 

to CHOOSE 

& I GET

SOMATICS 

BUT 

PRAISE 

was 

MOTIVATING 

I don't know what to call this

I've processed a little more 

I had a little win

I think 

I'm LIKE 

OK

sit up

GOOD!

OK

stand up*

GOOD JOB!!

*hold onto the walker

ugh

I'm having a hard time 

decompressing

TODAY was ROUGH 

TODAY I got

I love you SO MUCH 

I WISH you loved ME

&

I'm sorry

YOU

THINK

I'm argumentative 

& I'm LIKE 

NOT 

you're sorry for being argumentative 

you're sorry 

I THINK you're argumentative 

YES, she says

well you didn't have a personality change 

(whatever else might be wrong)

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I'm so grateful for your light

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

I've gotta go to sleep 

I WANT to drive up the coast

I WANT to

I was really hoping 

I could somehow 

BUT 

I can't 

& I don't know if that was obvious

because of the mental

STATE of ME

or if

it seemed like I might pull it off

BUT 

I don't want to 

finesse it all around 

I badly wanted to do the WHOLE thing 

& I'm unhappy about not

& maybe I'm letting you down 

BUT 

I can't 

I can't do the whole thing 

& I don't think 

ANY of it looking LIKELY 

this time 

& ALL the FEELS

I FEEL 

saying that

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

other stuff in my HEAD

I've also had some other songs 

popping up at odd moments 

these are the days of miracle and wonder

this is the long distance call

the way the camera

follows us in slo-mo

the way it looks to us all

the way we look to

a distant constellation 

that's dying in the corner of the sky

these are the days of miracle and wonder 

don't cry baby

don't cry

don't cry 

don't cry 

which could be THOSE lyrics 

OR 

something from that TIME 

OR

I don't know 

BUT 

I'm not 

MAD

at it

&

edelweiss 

which could be 

multiple things, but MIGHT be 

from my childhood 

when my mom picked me up for every other thursday visitation 

we ALWAYS 

went to memorial city mall 

in the mall was this 

cuckoo clock place -- I can't remember what it was called -- and they had this music box

it was red --  maybe leather

& it had --  maybe julie andrews -- twirling

to edelweiss 

& I loved it

& went to visit it

every other thursday 

& my mom was working it pretty hard -- maybe 

trying to get me to the point where -- maybe 

I would leave my dad -- maybe 

SO

NOW

when I hear the song 

I keep trying to remember 

WHAT she DID 

when we went to visit it

& it had been 

SOLD

& it was GONE

& I cried and SOBBED

spoiler alert -- SHE had bought it for me for Xmas

I don't think she JUST said 

OH LOOK 

don't cry 

I got it for you

HERE ya go

I don't think she -- in fact I'm almost positive 

she did not -- WAIT to surprise me at XMAS

I think -- but I'm not positive 

she let me CRY 

then grieve

then

probably 

--  got sick of hearing about it 

and TOLD me

BUT 

for some reason 

my brain either thinks the details are important 

OR

it wants me to tell you about 

the music box

OR

the story*

*except I'm not sure of the story, so then it loops back

debrief sketch

TODAY was 

HARD

& I MAY not have 

DONE  RIGHT*

*I think now that I am decompressed

I am pretty sure 

BUT 

not certain 

I was supposed to go to lunch with my mom today to catch up on her

health information 

ANYWAY 

she maybe has something going on

BUT 

it's HARD for me to TELL 

WHAT 

& HOW BAD

because 

EVERYTHING she says is CRAFTED 

& her "facts" don't check out

I don't WANT to detail the situation 

the surgeon appointment got rescheduled 

because he had a family thing

I'll give a vignette 

I wanted to check her oxygen 

she LOST the finger thing-y

must have rolled to the passenger side of the car 

OK

WAIT 

where was it before you lost it

in my purse, but I checked in my purse

-- it's definitely not in there --

OK

CHECKING purse

BAM*

*right there under that kleenex 

SO

I put it on her finger 

I come BACK 

it's OFF

what was your oxygen 

eighty eight

which isn't great

BUT 

whenever she takes her oxygen, eighty eight 

whenever, every time she tells her doctor 

eighty eight 

SO

I take it, ninety five

I take it again ninety six

eighty eight is not bad as the bottom of a range

& she MAY BE having a problem 

BUT 

she's ACTING like 

she's WORKING me

SO

I was pretty non-performative

EMOTIONALLY 

& I was for SURE a little mean

BUT 

I kept hearing thanksgiving day parade 

in my HEAD 

& I can't tell you how it helped me 

glow in the dark

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

& the thanksgiving pep talk

play it loud

exactly right 

goodnight ❤️

sorry haven't talked much

ya KNOW 

I've felt KINDA bad

about my avoiding jason through 

this whole period 

BUT 

today I saw he sent me more DMs

& I LOOKED at it 

BECAUSE 

I KINDA 

FELT 

BAD

but, remember how I told him it triggered me really bad when he said

dad would have been 

PROUD of my 

PAINTING 

yeah

MAYBE he didn't remember 

OR maybe he wanted to

TRIGGER me again 

because he said it again 

& then he said dad lives rent free in his head

& it's LIKE 

my dude, WTF

I find it hard to believe, though

that he isn't SMART enough