I LOVE you VERY much

sweetheart

sweet dreams

👾🫚

I have lived here

for YEARS

& I just talked to the TREES

TODAY

told them how important they are

in my DAY to day

did you UNDERSTAND

the Salinger thing?

it's pretty

indirect

BUT

provides me with something

that GIVES me

a LOT of HAPPINESS

I HOPE you understood 

I LOVE you VERY much

👾🫚

WAITING/Salinger

would be the 🔥

SO

I'm picking that one

I didn't even want SEX

I wanted COFFEE

I'm not saying

I didn't enjoy any of it

HOPE

& belief

are NOT the same 

OK

something you would have

no particular WAY to know ABOUT me

if anyone PROMISES me anything

it pretty much

MEANS nothing

in my EXPERIENCE people SAY whatever

& maybe they mean it 

when they SAY it

OR

maybe they don't

but it doesn't translate to MEANING

BUT

when someone SAYS

I NEVER promised you blah blah

whether that's TRUE or not

the MEANING I associate to THAT is

BAD ACTOR

MOST people it's pretty easy to tell

what you can EXPECT

BUT

you NOT so much

you never quite give me enough

POINTS to make a line, ya know

which is COMPLETELY understandable

BUT

a little SKETCHY too

if you know what I mean

AND

I don't know how AWARE you are of your PATTERNS

BUT you radiate I NEED YOU

pretty LOUDLY when it's been a while

and you insinuate things

which I KNOW aren't promises

and which UNIFORMLY do not come to pass

THEN

when I complain that I didn't get

what I NEEDED out of the experience

the vibe I get is BAD ACTOR

I never really base my understanding of

my relationship with anyone

on what they SAY

SO

I TRY to leave

you clearly want me not to

that's what I KNOW 

BUT

I KEEP coming back to

HE BROKE MY BRAIN he doesn't CARE about me

enough not to just WILLY NILLY

BREAK MY BRAIN

he FULL ON triggered a DOOR SLAM

& then he wants to CRITIQUE the outcome

which DID NOT include

the DOOR SLAM he SO SO clearly ASKED for

THIS has been a big problem for me

WHAT the f*CK did he THINK he was doing

I don't actually believe that you WERE

trying to free me

& it's CLEAR that you didn't get

whatever the expected outcome

AND

I tried to use everything that I know about you

but I kept getting STUCK

SO

my best GUESS is that you thought

if I just HAD the MOMENT

& lived through it

that it would like RESET or something

BUT

that isn't how I operate

I'm NOT a free flowing in the MOMENT person

YOU think I am because I SEEM like that

from the OUTSIDE

all those little "in the moment" things

are like meditation one with the UNIVERSE

& I am looking for messages ALWAYS

I think for you

the POSSIBILITY of the moment

anything could happen

is part of the EXPERIENCE

BUT

I haven't really ever experienced any of our time

since well at least the last time

you looked at me

LIKE you were happy to see me*

in this way

SO

it's been like he needs me

I love him

I have to go

and he will do the thing he does

and I will cry

oh what fun

AND

I say I'm not going to do this again EVER

and then you radiate I NEED YOU

& I can't make you suffer

ALTHOUGH

I don't actually believe you ARE suffering

I have TRIED to explain

if I experienced our time together

the way you do

I'm sure it would be different

BUT

I CAN'T not try to make it MEAN something

and I'm not lying or making up all that

MISSION from God shit

I think you think I AM

BUT I'm not

SO

always constantly

HOW is this the mission

NOT

oh look at the pretty boy make nice words

oooo fun fun he like me a little mmm mmmm

SO

whether it was helpful or not

I took the mission of being your muse

your guardian angel

WHATEVER else worked it's way in there

I did all that with the driving FORCE

that NO ONE ever asks for

AND mostly no one WANTS

BUT

YOU DID

but I didn't actually have much FUN

I don't want to be RESPONSIBLE for you

any more

I KNOW you didn't ASK for that

BUT you didn't refuse it either

if that makes any SENSE

I KNOW that probably a lot

of what you think and feel about me

is an ABSTRACTION

it's LIKE a creative ritual

and that dovetails nicely with my

SHAMANISTIC thing

AND

the reason I specifically said things

like I know you need to NOT

tell me things

so that I can maintain belief

was because I KNEW

it was NOT true

but

I didn't WANT to KNOW

HOW not true it was

I KNEW what I KNEW and I didn't

WANT to know anymore that that

BECAUSE

I KNEW what I KNEW

for whatever reason

YOU NEEDED ME

& THAT was ENOUGH

my mother said it was all you USING me

way BACK

when I was trying to be friends with her before

AND

I gotta SAY

that saved your BACON

MORE than once

because my MOM doesn't know

SHIT about human interaction

if she says it

it has BY DEFINITION

GOT to be WRONG

PLUS the tarot reader in SANTA CRUZ

the second reading

inextricably LISTEN to the ANGELS

& I'm all like

the f*CK ANGELS?!

BUT

then there was that reading

with the ANGELS TAROT

NOTHING can dissuade him from 

LOVING you

&

I KNOW how long men's attention span

about some rando woman is

&

I KNOW you aren't as young and 🔥 as you were

BUT I'm SURE you still have women

INTERESTED ENOUGH

& I was NEVER trying to be 🔥

it CAN only ever have been ME

not my LOOKS or whatever

PLUS

I'm NOT easy

I'm HELLA difficult

I just don't think there's ANY way

you don't KINDA love me

BUT

then I get BAD ACTOR vibe

& I don't trust you

AND I don't really WANT

oooo oooo pretty boy make nice words

he like me a little mmm mmmm

ya know

I WANT some sort of MEANING

I'm flexible about WHAT it is

AND

I'm trying to get to the place

where I say

I have need for MAGIC

this makes magic for me

& I can take that magic and use it

to CREATE something else

BUT

I don't want to be USED for my magic

which I have a shit-ton of

& people have used it ALL MY LIFE

BUT

I was telling the therapist about

some of my super powers

&

WHEN I said it

it became clearer

I have this way of holding all possibilities

AT ONCE as real

it's kinda a QUANTUM thing

& I can hold em SPINNING for a long time

BUT then

I don't always pick the REALITY

that's best for me

& tony robbins

showed me

that I COULD

& THEN I had

SINGING in the RAIN in my head

& I THINK I might be able to

ANCHOR to it

SO

DON'T give me bad actor vibes

& I won't be responsible for you

RESET

(I think)

*2009

it's therapy day

I ALREADY have some revelations

BUT

I still have to go to therapy

MORE later

I don't really feel like talking tonight

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

👾🫚

I guess

I just really wanted to know

if you were really

my friend 

I LOVE you

I have to THINK

there has got to be a way

to explain

what I FEEL

WHAT I'm TRYING desperately to explain

I'm NOT trying to be DIFFICULT

BUT

I just wrote a big thing

and I don't think it

was SIMPLE or even particularly

COHERENT

SO

let me try after I eat something

I had like three hours of sleep

I have a headache

I'm not at my most eloquent

in the meantime

please try to remember

anything I've done

that you liked in the past

because I'm not saying

there won't be any thrill factor

I just don't want THAT to be my

DEFINING CHARACTERISTIC ya know

& I'm NOT promising it

SO

what I'm HEARING is

you don't WANT to listen to me anymore

so GO AWAY?

YOU don't WANT to be

the ONLY OTHER person I CARE about talking to

UNLESS there's the THRILL factor?

OR you're saying

do what I NEED to do

& you'll be here for me?

I can think of NO context

in which it makes ANY

SENSE

that I have UPTOWN GIRL stuck in my HEAD 

SO ANYWAY

gotta go to sleep

WORK tomorrow

HOPE 

that didn't just SOUND crazy

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

AND

I'm thinking I've said all this BEFORE

but SOMEHOW it seems NEW

AND THEN it occurred to me

SIMPLE explanations

for DIFFICULT things

it's different

it's THE DIFFERENCE

now, of course I can see HOW

I could have it ALL wrong

BUT I still don't KNOW what

LIGHTER trick

SO

have we got THREE now

& when I met YOU

I LITERALLY had a COSMIC LIGHT SHOW

that's not POETRY

so I was CERTAIN you were connected

to my THING I was supposed to do

I VOLUNTEERED I just got WEAK instructions

BUT

I instructions DID seem very CLEARLY

YOU will KNOW it WHEN you SEE it

AND

that I met ANOTHER ONE

what the FUCK does that even mean

another WHAT

BUT DUDE

I was in LOVE with your MIND

I was attracted to you

WHAT was I seriously supposed to DO

AND

I don't feel like that was the WRONG thing

I still don't know

BUT

I mean I can see

HOW I've kinda

LEVELED UP

or gone insane*

*for real for real

WELL

I wasn't sure what to TALK about

but I am in the flow I guess

SO the universe sent me

DAD

I've told you dad stories

BUT

not for a while

I don't remember what I told you ALREADY

he had this thing he did

REALLY upset me

he would say

when I DIE I want you to put me

in a HEFTY BAG

take me out in a FIELD

& BLOW ME UP

I would TRY to explain

IF I try to do THAT there will be

NO way to PROVE

that I DIDN'T KILL you

that did NOT dissuade HIM

I would TRY to explain

this conversation is UPSETTING me

that did NOT dissuade HIM

this was NOT a ONE TIME thing

it went on FOR YEARS

UNTIL I figured out

what to SAY 

to HIM

JASON

by the way

NEVER got him to stop

although perhaps it didn't bother HIM*

the NEXT time**

he made with the BLOW ME UP

I LOOKED at him

& I said

WHEN you DIE

I am going to HAVE YOU BRONZED

and PROP you in the corner

NEVER mentioned again

the BLOW UP thing

was related to this message

he was always trying to give me MESSAGES

but they were often GARBLED

(possible WORD SALADS)

OR

disrupted by the STARING OFF into space

BUT

he could get the whole BLOW UP message

without losing the thread

it was ABOUT

IMPERMANENCE not becoming ATTACHED

to THINGS

or PEOPLE

& I mean I GOT it

THAT'S how I knew what to SAY to

STOP him, ya know

I THINK he was schizotypal

or SOMETHING like

he had had a BRAIN injury

his SISTERS said he had a personality change

AFTER

the COMA

when I FINALLY figured out

was in that SAME period of time

EIGHT-ish

I DON'T know

what it was ABOUT me THEN

*although he sort of implemented my plan without knowing it

**to be honest I'm not sure I thought it up ahead of time and this makes it sound that way

SOGGY TIMES

my triumphant Eddy Bauer

these PRETTY BIG logos

are like 3/4"

MAYBE

this is a can't miss thing

ONLINE PRICES

are frequently different

GRANDPA

I have a jacket I bought on eBay

I REALLY like it

I think it's a second it zips the other way

from every other jacket I have

the THINGS is

I like that SO MUCH better

I wouldn't think it would make a difference

NEVER wore a CUP

on third base

YOGI 

I HATE the dh

WILBON is lazy

& should be tested for SANITY

POOH --> GODFATHER

ARI MELBER

TAYLOR SWIFT

is the BEST thing that EVER

happened to football

--WILBON

hall of the VERY GOOD

BASKETBALL

30 & 13

why is this hydration the new HOTNESS

the MONKEY

has a part in the ICE MAN COMETH?

(there's some part of that that I don't get)

NUTS are a trigger food for me

DETROIT

at 1.7 the MAILBAG theme sounds like a HARPSICHORD

PRE-GIAMATTI level merlot sales

CHAUCER

perhaps to say I miss TK

is NOT quite accurate

I don't miss HIM so much as

I miss being a part of the conversation

YOU know what I'm talking about

I haven't been

since ya know

because I was HURT

& it takes up time

& he rubs me the WRONG way

& that's not really the universe I

want to inhabit

BUT

it's really the only way

to watch the whole thing for

something I WANT to watch develop

I assume the FEELING is real

&

I think something IMPORTANT happens

on that show if you know what I mean

ALSO

I was gonna listen to aTK

the NEW one is FINALLY up on audible

I kinda MISS him

I got caught up in the NEW season

of REACHER

which is probably something

you wouldn't EXPECT

BUT

I listened to a couple of the BOOKS

and I saw the MOVIE

DIDN'T like the movie

THIS actor, though IS right

and the FIRST season was

NOT bad

or GOOD with QUALIFIERS

NOT something I would like RECOMMEND

THIS season MIGHT be more watchable

BUT

I'm not REALLY recommending

I JUST really want to say

WHAT I am drawn to ABOUT

REACHER

he WAS some kind of 

military SPECIAL investigator

THEN he quits THAT

and just FLOATS

he goes WHEREVER

WHENEVER

& wherever he goes

it's LIKE a modern day WESTERN

he wanders into town

goes to a THRIFT store

BUYS a new suit of clothes

TROUBLE

finds HIM

& he rights the WRONGS

SOMETIMES 

in a special forces MEETS

VIGILANTE justice way

but still

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

the "yuppie" vet CALLED yesterday

to check in on KITTY

she is doing her thing

WHEELS come OFF the BUS

bedside manner

BUT

then OMG she took the TIME

blah blah blah

it meant a lot

BUT

I still haven't recovered from Wednesday

talking to her DID let me CLARIFY

I thought they gave him the FIRST B12 shot

they had NOT

SO

I did THAT today

I was a LITTLE freaked out about it

BUT

I asked

is there ANYTHING

I could ACCIDENTALLY do

I mean I've watched them GIVE shots

NO

pull up the skin on the scruff of the neck

push the needle IN at forty-five degrees

if it's NOT

coming through the other side

your GOOD to go

I have a WEIRD thing about AIR

in needles

SO I didn't need any prepping for THAT 

I already KNOW my THRESHOLD

is less than ANY professional

because I WATCH them

I had a HARD time

FEELING

whether the tiny needle WAS

REALLY the f*CK in

I did NOT enjoy THAT

BUT

this cat was a ASSHOLE

and NOW

he's my little FLOOFY DANGER

SO

WHATEVER ya know

this WAS the right size 

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I FEEL like I've told you

this story BEFORE

&

I DO hate to feel like

I yammering on the SAME story

AGAIN & again

I can't help myself

my father made me a chalkboard

NOT a LITTLE one either

he got some chalkboard PAINT

I'm pretty sure

PRETTY sure

it was GREEN (hah)

like maybe it was THREE feet

by four feet

IDK it was something he BUILT

(it was maybe a little janky

but we built Jason's crib-- I helped

and it was round so you could roll it

instead of having to carry it)*

it has legs

it had a CHALK ledge

I had an IMAGINARY class room

I loved THAT thing

I wish I could REMEMBER what I was teaching

I was in THIRD grade

THAT was when I got the kinda WEAK instructions

I KNEW the CLASS was IMAGINARY

BUT

I was pretty sure I was TALKING to God

on the REGULAR

it was MOSTLY me talking

I ALSO

had this VERY strong like CRAVING

for a TWIN with this weird like

SENSE

that, even though that was IMPOSSIBLE

there WAS one somewhere

YOU are all tied into THAT

I have written you into my MEMORY

I look BACK

& I have filled YOU in there

you were like 16

AND

THEN 

I see myself ACROSS the street

DEBORAH has one friend from her CHILDHOOD

that she kept up with

for a while she lived in a TOWNHOUSE

we when over there to help

PAINT

or something

but I wasn't actually doing THAT

they had a copy of

the GIVING TREE and I read it

& I CRIED

and I have cried pretty much EVERY time

I've thought about the GIVING TREE

since then

I'm NOT crying now, though

SO

MAYBE it's that I think ABOUT it

at TIMES when it will TEND to make me

the friend's husband was a disc jockey

the mighty Quinn--

which CONNECTS to that DYLAN tribute

that is MAYBE my favorite ROAD album**

AND

RECENTLY I watched this YouTube

with this therapist who specializes in

NARCISSISTS talking about

how the giving tree was a HORRIBLE book

should NOT be allowed

because it GLORIFIED a narcissistic relationship

and some nasty shit about shel

BUT

I thought you are MISSING

SO MUCH

I mean I can SEE her point

I'm PRETTY sure

even at eight

the boy AND the tree

the BOY and the tree

the boy and the TREE

AND

the kind of ALLEGORICAL human exploitation

of NATURE

SO

I mean YEAH but

REALLY

AND THIS is the story now

it's WEIRD that it went this way

BUT the thing I am REALLY VIBING on

is this SENSE that I have

that I SAY something

AND

then it turns out to MEAN THINGS

that are ALSO true

BUT

MAYBE I didn't realize that when I SAID it

AND

the TASTE of mountain dew

& I need to look into the JUNG CENTER 

*my point is he was a pretty fair woodworker(ish)

not like carpentry or fine finishing just like nice competent cut and assembly 

**although this is SO tangential & yet there somehow anyway

I can remember

being three or four

and

WATCHING adults eyes

this is how much TIME I have

before they stop listening

I REALLY don't think I was a NORMAL child 

the whatever

SIMPLE explanations for DIFFICULT things

has had some traction

it SEEMS to fit my skill set

AND

different people*

have TAKEN AWAY different messages

AND

I feel like THAT is LIKE a sign

HOWEVER that is 

SO SO SO very preliminary

that it DOESN'T give any help with implementation

BUT

I think that HAS GOT to be

like a CORE concept

AND

though I FEEL like this is not bad forward movement

it just doesn't eliminate MUCH 

*Not a statistically relevant sample set

the children

it's just a REALLY long lead time

the therapist

is REALLY bullish on the LIFE COACH thing

AND

truthfully that MIGHT be the

right DIRECTION for like a first step MAYBE

BUT

I'm not yet CONVINCED

when I think back through my LIFE

I'm not entirely certain that

COMEDIANS haven't been

some of the MOST influential

ALSO

I think SOMETIMES those messages

get THROUGH in a way that others don't

HOWEVER

in a world as self selecting as the current one

I'm not sure that anyone who doesn't

ALREADY think they agree with you

EVER even listens

SO

this has to be something I enjoy

that I have some aptitude

because the ONLY way I succeed

is that it is what I WANT to do

it can't be a "job"

it HAS to be a CALLING

(to be continued)

I FEEL like

I'm getting CLOSE

(although I am unable to further qualify)

to a *

I think I am either WRITING or

SPEAKING

as the primary DELIVERY 

I NEED to NAIL down the MESSAGE**

VISUAL art obviously has SOME roll

BUT

it might be BRAIN exercise

OR

it MIGHT be important

ALL these interactions with PEOPLE

I felt like it was an IMPORTANT step

BUT

there's a way

I feel like

meh

SO

there's a way in which it was a like

PLACEHOLDER

it's training for human interaction

NOT necessarily like

the END GOAL

I think we ALL knew that

BUT

I also THINK

this is a thing I'm INVENTING

I THINK I have to make things BETTER

and I'm NOT sure

I think I have to give a message

and I don't think I can do that with painting

OR

unless I was doing children's books

THAT is still on the TABLE

BUT

(to be continued)

*ALSO unable to further qualify 

**ALTHOUGH that's really more complicated than how that sounds because 1) message like MISSION 2) implementation of MISSION 3) steps, $, blah blah

I slept through my alarm

I tried to resume hhc vaping last night

and my lungs

do not support that decision

I didn't have anything exciting from work

BUT

I will say

EVERYONE I talk to has just had 

or everyone they know

has just had covid

I think it's pretty inevitable

PLEASE manage your health

I think the vaccine is brilliant

AND

I'm super grateful for the ones I've had

BUT

I didn't get the anti virals

I DID do enough of a web search to find out

I could get them at Walgreens clinic

but I needed to show some 

liver and kidney function test

which I didn't have

AND

I could have done an online Dr visit

which might have alleviated that requirement

BUT

at that point I didn't feel

SICK enough that it seemed WORTH the trouble

BEN, however is 94 and not healthy generally

He got sick after I did

he DID get the (plovacid?) 

and he's honestly doing ALMOST

as well as me now

(covid-wise anyway)

SO

consider it

perhaps in a way I did not

AND

about that other thing

I'm not asking

I'm telling

which since you know how

YOU feel

shouldn't be problematical

OR ANYWAY

I didn't THINK it was

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

Baseball Supernaturals

*

The Corrected Ledger

Modified Baseball

Baseball's Uplift/ing Heroes

everything after

LOOKED FUN

silencio

(hope that's a word)

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I had coffee at the vet

I said f*CK it when I got home

AND

ORDERED SUSHI

So

I'm not sure how well I'm gonna sleep

but I need to sleep

because I have to go to work tomorrow

I really don't want to

but they need help

and I wanted to help them

it's just not as much fun as I hoped

but I feel much better

I'm still coughing

but not MUCH

AND

it really wants to be productive

Yesterday I walked to therapy

in the light rain

and then walked over to tamashi

I had that Malaysian thing again

then I walked to the coffee

(on the way, doesn't count as eXtra)

then home

I need to get more exercise

I need to fast again

but I'm not pushing it

BUT

ya know

it's weird

I LIKE my body

I don't mean I look at it and think

THIS PERFECTION

I see things I think are transitional

they ARE better

AND they WILL be better

I see a lot of

NOT actually all that BAD

like general shape GOOD

fat PERCENT too high

the things that seem like they might

NOT resolve without intervention

seem MANAGEABLE ya know

the BELLY seems less disproportionately ick

I have gained a few pounds

and I've had too much sodium so I'm

retaining fluid weight

but my clothes fit fine

I don't look all puffy

I look ya know

within acceptable parameters

vaguely like someone else

but not COMPLETELY unlike myself

CUTE kinda

I put this look together

and I'm like, what would I call THIS

and I had no idea

I had this short neutral paisley dress

with a vertical ribbed 

spacedyed collared 

sweater (?) shirt OVER

seersucker baseball cap

charcoal heather leggings

hipster raincoat

AND

my gran gran and my Aunt Joan

the women who taught me

what a young lady should

ya know

would have SAID

THAT is an ILLEGAL amount of PATTERN

I'm like

it IS TOO MUCH

BUT the CODE I'm going for

is FUNCTIONAL

wait 

wait wait

wait wait wait

FUNCTIONAL PERSONAL 

so the things aren't supposed to be

matchy matchy

and if they clash a little

that kinda underscores the vibe

(sorry, the vibe is FAVORITE PIECES)

((extra sorry oh look I just have stuff I love to wear and I wear whatever piece I need to fulfill that function))

that didn't quite convince me 

if you were in a museum and you saw a painting

with THESE patterns

do you think it would disturb you

make you think

WHY

NO

then it is NOT too much

BUT

THAT HIPSTER RAINCOAT

my therapist is all like

ARE you SAFE to WALK in THAT

WELL DON'T STICK YOUR ARM UP

I'm gonna have to have it ALTERED

I'm not sure what that SAYS about ME

YOU LOOK

GREAT!!!

He's on his heater blanket

AND

he has his ball with him 

well

CAT has the triad

apparently cat's internal organs

are more interactive than dogs or human's

and they get this inflammatory cascade

which can make everything shut down

I got "yuppie" vet today

AND

she's all like

blah blah blah

THEN the WHEELS come OFF the BUS

which is a nicely VIVID metaphor

SO

either he will get BETTER

(that's all ME)

or he'll get meh

or

it'll go all to hell

depending on whether the steroids set off

one of the several issues that they CAN

BUT

my old doctor told me

you have to take into account

how they are acting

AND

I think he's having a reaction to the food protein

he's PRONE to inflammation

I think he'll

be better than she predicts

I wish I had Phyllis Diller vet

I get to learn cat shot giving

gotta be easier than giving fluids

which is to do with needles

but then holding them still while the saline goes in

this is just B-12 in the scruff of the neck

I feel like I'm gonna vomit

just from the adrenaline come down

AKK

OK

I'm at the vet

I'm not sure if that would have gone off ok or not

at 2 they seemed to think the radiologist

would be here at 5

so

I started getting him ready

which involves trickery

and he's SMART

so different trickery EVERY time

got here 4:20ish

doc walked in 4:24

so timing was GOOD

not sure how long it's going to be

or if I will get to talk to doctor

 292

metabolism?

up to my neck in tech

I've seen that better late than never

COMP CAKE

TRASHY FAVORITE beach 

beach 🏐 I enjoy to watch

I was not good at it in elementary school

out in the wild

PGA son

ep113

Ed from cowboy bebop

sushi

salad

dried golden berries

I'm not sure I have talent no one knows about

ha. good answer. 

idk I'm not sure 

peanut butter on pancakes

COKE but mostly ceremonially

watched more BB but

again not all that relevant

PLUTO jokes

on the back of toilet

OK look

today was therapy day

I'm fine

or

as fine as I ever am, right

I have paper moon stuck in my head

AND

I feel like that's a sign

BUT

I LOVE the fuck out of that movie

SO

there's NO WAY that's a BAD sign

cat getting ultrasound

traveling med guy

at my vet on wed

they might know when he leaves

the place before

they might have a ballpark

at some point

first check in is 8am

gotta go to sleep

on call for cat ultrasound

8am

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I love the part

on baseball radio

when they say

blah blah percent of the time

in blah blah scenario

I ❤️ that shit

I gotta say

I AM feeling kinda crazy

I've always been afraid that

I might actually BE crazy

HOWEVER

I have TALKED to therapists

AND I have always said

(to myself I guess)

if you're the one who thinks you're crazy

you're probably NOT

ALSO

I understand that this might

come off like I'm trying to say I'm all smart

or something

BUT

I don't think I'm even saying that technically

BUT

even if that were

I'm telling you I don't think that either

but maybe faster or something

I don't know

but that is how the world seems

SOMETIMES I don't know anything

I think my brain still goes really fast

then it's looking for something to connect to

I'm broken in some ways

AND

I may or may not be crazy

that's why you know more about me

than anyone else

you're the only one

I've ever really wanted to tell

blah blah blah

Understand?

I also apparently leave out steps

so I'm difficult to follow

I really try not to

BUT

I'm never really sure

anybody understands anything I ever say

I always thought you understood me

but 

then

anyway

I'm not sure how you might be understanding this

I'm in a weird mood 

SO

I was all like

I've been sick and I feel like

I went through some kind of

mental journey

I don't have anything I really want to

talk about

and I'm kinda interested in adding random elements

SO

how about you ask me questions

Oh, ok, I like random elements

I have a question

when I ask you a question

you look off to the side

and you say

welllllllllllll

and then you launch into

a cogent sometimes eloquent speech

what are you doing during the welllllllll part

you seem like there's a process at work

are you managing how you are perceived

welllllllllllll

I mean I'm sure there is an element of that

somewhere in there

BUT

that makes it sound like I care how I'm perceived

and I really don't

MOSTLY I am just recalling 

AND then trying to figure out what

the person I'm talking to

REALLY wants to know

SO

it's a lot of assessment of the person I'm talking to I guess

he seemed to think the distinction between

what they want to know

and what they REALLY want to know

was VERY interesting

WELL

people don't usually ask

what they really want to know

and it's just more efficient

I don't like to talk about myself

WHY

because people don't listen and they don't understand

people don't contribute much to me

and I don't like to feel like a dancing monkey

going through the motions to entertain them

he didn't seem to quite get it

OK

let me try an example

and see if that helps

when I was at Starbucks I would be having my

review, say

and they'd say

you should speak up more in meetings

BUT

when I was actually in the meeting

They'd say

OK we are going to do (whatever)

And I'd be like OKAY

what are we going to do when blah blah happens

and they'd look at me like I was CRAZY 

TWENTY minutes later

Somebody else would ask it

THEY were a GENIUS

the person next to me would say

didn't you ask that 20 minutes ago 

and I understand now that I was

asking an implementation question

in the comprehension segment

but I didn't see that then

I just started running the program

finding the catches

where it would break down

SO you're just way ahead of everybody

yeah, I guess

IS THAT LONELY

YES

I have no idea

what I'm going to talk about

in therapy today

I feel like

I covered a lot of ground

without him

and didn't miss him at all

BUT

my theory about people doing therapy

not because it really does anything AS SUCH

but because it fulfills

intimacy needs

or rather

it DOESN'T actually

it just kind of fits in the receptors

I realize what went into my psychological break

AND

the INTENSE spinning

no compass

the NEED didn't go away

just the OUTLET

I can't talk about any of THAT

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

playoffs all day

DYNASTY

golf

great up and down

Michael take it away

LIV

a SIXTY

SO MUCH GOLF

CC 

nautica story planned forward

I use coconut water

mutton flavor

I give Nigel a 🥐

WILBON disappointed?!

WHAT are you doing buffalo

OF ONE

LIONS & TIGERS & BEARS

NEVER

WILBON vaguely dissing W

if you're not watching this with a jaundiced 👁️

TK sets sail to hell

WOLF MOON

ep 273

johnny Walker blue

ANIMAL HOUSE

the women's college in that is modelled after

Bennington

where I probably should have gone

wanted to go

well

it's raining all week here

I think

I was about to leave to go to work

and Lucy called to tell me

don't rush

I had asked to come at 10

instead of 9

because it's a long day

and I'm still not 100%

it's not like don't rush

is a very specific directive

but whatever you know

I'm having another cup of tea

I had another weird day yesterday

I fell down a kesey rabbit hole

I listened to the next MICRO

and he's all like

you get grumpy when you grow

and I'm like

I don't understand what you're talking about dude

BUT

THAT made me grumpy

and I was still trying to work out

DREAM messages

I watched some plays

that I didn't even really enjoy

just to break the thinking cycle

THEN

I saw that one thing

and it made my whole day

SO much emotion

ENERGY

have a beautiful day sweetheart

I love you VERY much

👾🫚

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

INCANDESCENT!!!

OK

the dreams were all

tied up with you

I somehow wrote you into

my younger college days

and then

I also wrote in a friend girl

not sure how that relates to you

but it does somehow

ALSO

I was having them look me up

and they could not find me

because I had two degrees

and somehow

that messed up the search

no no I'm saying

philosophy 91 (fall semester)

psychology 94 (spring semester)

and then something about

a will and paperwork

THEN

a bunch of videos of surveillance

images of me in that 23 yr old period

then some more with the friend

THEN

the dream ended

or the last thing I remember

I was standing with you in front of the college

side by side

arm around shoulder or waist

an old school station wagon drives up

and you're like

THIS guy is a SPECIAL customer

he buys something every week

and the guy has brought like

Merry pranksters or something

a la kesey

and he had written something he wanted

us all to sing

and then I woke up

with dancing in the dark 

in my head

I'm not sure how to parce that all out yet

it's been a WEIRD day

I dreamed there was a BIG dumpster

right outside my door

AND

I was moving a BUNCH of furniture

out of a fireplace

I slept late

the cat slept ON me

I was brain foggy

& I listened to the next few

MICROs and

I hit an odd point

he's taking about looking in your head

CLEARING out your head

BUT

my meditative body doesn't have shit in it

and if I'm listening

MEDITATIVELY

thoughts don't come up

if I'm listening

I'm listening

I'm continuing

BUT

I'm not certain that we aren't wired

diffently

AND

I think THAT kind of reaction

is maybe not useful

in an interesting way

I walked today

not much

I DOUBLED up the pants

I wore some QUINCE leggings

with the ATHLETA windbreaker-y cargos

sweater, sweatshirt, hoody

walked back and forth

in the sunny parking lot

FORGOT

I also dreamed

I was looking through

(in the dream reality)

my grandmother's stuff

I could pick some stuff to take away

I picked this thin flask-like vase thing

and I was looking at

some kind

of electrical equipment

AND

I was like

I don't GET this

WHAT does it DO

and a couple came up and said

oh these younger millennials blah blah

I'm all like

I'm an OLDER X

and they're like

well then you should KNOW

I FEEL like

my brain is restructuring

BUT

I'm not sure what it's doing exactly

it's a little UNSETTLING

I love you sweetheart

sleep well

👾🫚

I KNOW you had

or ARE HAVING fun

I don't have anything

EXCITING

to ADD

I just have to say

I REALLY wish I coulda seen 

what I KNOW was awesome

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

the CAT 

his numbers are not better

NOW he clearly feels better

so I'm reminding myself that

WORRY helps NOTHING

BUT

I'm GOOD at worrying so

I'm having MIXED results

I had very active dreams

AND

I FEEL unwell

I am coughing UP shit

left and right

which is GOOD I guess

BUT super inconvenient for WORK

which I have to go to in a few minutes

I feel weak and dizzy and brain foggy

and I just want to go back to bed

SO I'm gonna spend the next 30 minutes

trying to get my shit together

set INTENTIONS for magic happy FUNLAND

TODAY is an opportunity

for the universe to SHOW me something

and it's when I stop being open to it

that things get really bad

BUT

I have no idea what the dreams meant

NEWSPAPER

DECORATING

PINK PUBLIC BATHROOM

(with elevated stalls)

discussion about how

in private school I felt super alienated

and in public school I felt super bored

WTAF

be SAFE out there sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

also listening to becoming supernatural

I got that mindvalley app

it's like a micro learning thing

I started the energy/duality thing

I'm a couple hours in

so far

it's what I would characterize as

way below my level

BUT

don't mistake that assessment

I am finding useful info

I haven't spent ANY time focusing on

GROUNDING

I do some

because of my tree and nature stuff

but I'm mostly focused UP

and OUT

and IN

NOT down

if I feel like I need

PROTECTION

I weave an energy cocoon around me

I know HOW to ground

I just never really focused on it AT ALL

ALSO

I NEVER thought

to install a knob to adjust my

ANALYZING

super duper sweet

Because he's absolutely right

all that NOISE makes it hard to hear

AND

that founder guy

is the authorized 

SILVA MIND CONTROL METHOD practitioner

Silva goes all the way back to cholla

in my history

although I never actually learned it

most people probably don't

start meditating

at like 8

so I expect my milage to vary

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I've ordered what I consider to be

kinda expensive clothes

I saw an ad on insta

I've been looking for a TUQUE for a while now

I mostly wear the pink seersucker baseball hat

I really should pull back out the other one

but I really love this one

(it's Isaac Mizrahi-- so is the blue hoody

with contrast trim and floral hood)

I have now three bucket hats

two of them I don't really wear

but I just got a black one with little embroidery FRUITS

(off Poshmark) which I'm pretty sure will be a winner

BUT

I want a TUQUE

and I guess I'm super picky

but I saw this ad on insta and I was like

THAT is my fucking HAT

Long wharf Montauk in CREAM

AND

THEN I saw this sweater

and I'm like, you DO NOT NEED more sweaters

just because it's ❄️❄️❄️🥶 NOW

does NOT mean you need SWEATERS

AND

they didn't have a women's version 

but I NEEDED the edgartown quarter zip

in NAVY

even though the marine is more my color

I really like that kinda gray blue color on me

I like the CONTRAST

so anyway

I ordered that in LARGE men's

which might be too big on top

AND

too small in the hips

OR

it might be perfect

I guess I'll find out

well the CAT was very well behaved

which he typically is NOT

I didn't get to see the vet

(probably she wasn't in yet)

it was 8:15am

and

we were just getting blood work done

I LIKE her though

I didn't originally

there are like three women in the practice

one is maybe my age-ish

and she is BLUNT

when she even vaguely disagrees with me

she gives me an EARFUL

the second one I met

she's nice, she's competent, she's vaguely

whatever yuppie is now

this third one

who I almost always get now

she's young-ish, maybe 35 ballpark

she's from California I think

she's late

she's scattered

moves somewhat erratically

she wears red lipstick

that seems THICK like it's calling EXTRA attention  to how unnatural it is

AND

she is a fucking STORYTELLER

she LOOKS like across between

I'm not SURE who

but I want to throw Phyllis Diller in there somewhere

SHE'S the one who described him as

a UNIT

and she's very focused on

the personality of the animals

and the animal - human DYNAMIC

in the stories

I really missed not seeing her

I have to go to SLEEP

I'm late taking the CAT back

for his follow up

he has a pancreatitis flare up

he seems FINE now

but

numbers still need checking

PLUS

now he doesn't want to eat WET food

which means his crystal shit could ACT UP

I wish mundane life was FUNNER

THAT is a BAD attitude

for the god of CROSSROADS

and TRANSITIONS

I AM thinking about learning tennis though

although 

I'm not sure I can afford to

there's supposed to be a place

like three-ish miles from here

that has indoor CLIMATE CONTROL

TENNIS

I think I need a SPORT

RUNNING seems fun

but

I had problems with my knees

running when I was in elementary school

SO

I can't see that working out

it's just an IDEA really

BUT

I keep coming back to it

ALSO

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

we had almost no customers

so I could work on the order

the whole day

and Vikki had been working on

checking things in

so

all in all

it COULDA been worse

I sat down for MOST of it

by 4:30-5

I was toast

I had a coughing jag

in the Uber home

I'm like

I'm SO sorry

I was sick

I quarantined

I tested and I'm negative

and I was wearing a mask too

OY

the low today is supposed to be

like 45

but it's 35 now

I told them I'd come in at noon

and TRY to stay till 6

but if I'm driving myself

I need to leave like basically now

I don't want to drive on icy streets

I don't really want to pay

for two Ubers

to work 5-6 hours

AND

Lucy texted me a picture of

HALF of the order they want me to put away

the smaller half, apparently

and it is taller than her

BUT

ya know, just do what I CAN

they don't WANT me to relapse

I'm having a hard time

with my attitude today 

I FEEL less crazy today

BUT

I'm probably NOT

I feel like the HERMES archetype

is sorta perfect

I kinda lost some mojo 

when I found out I wasn't REALLY native

BUT

western CIV doesn't even have any

cultural appropriation ISSUES

I'm not sure about the trickster aspect

but otherwise

I gotta go back to WORK tomorrow

it's BACK to school

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I have to go to SLEEP

I'm not sure that I'm less CRAZY

BUT

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

SO

I didn't the DIGITAL tarot thing

which, not gonna lie, I do a LOT

BUT

ask a BETTER question

hey UNIVERSE

I'm about to enter this new TWENTY YEAR CYCLE

got any advice for me

page of WANDS

which I never get, but in this deck specifically

it says

a modern day HERMES

& I'm all like WAIT what did Hermes do again

AND

then of course what I found FIRST was

HERMES

& LOL 

my art might make good scarves

(I did think of that)

BUT

ALSO

I read the wiki/god

& I think that's pretty SOLID advice

I wanted so bad to take a picture, but I didn't want to jinx it

I tested

AND I am no longer CONTAGIOUS

it's like TWENTY FOUR DEGREES outside

I didn't GO OUT walking today

slept late

ROBITUSSIN & elecampagne tincture

protein

my CAT has inextricably

learned to FETCH

it's FREAKING me OUT 

a little

I had a TALK with him*

he's very smart & toys tend not to

be good for long when compared to HUNTING

which is what he wants to do

BUT

he genocided the LIZARDS 

and he has gotten more fearful of CARS 

I TOLD him

I want to play WITH him

(and maybe if there was any way he could

THINK of)

SO

now he brings the little foam ball

& drops it at my feet

& I throw it

& he RUNS

CATCH

and I will be damned if that CAT

doesn't BRING the damn BALL 

BACK 

& drop it at my feet

*he plays in secret and stops if I see him

OK

I'm going to TRY

what I FEEL like is again

to EXPLAIN why I FEEL like

I'm SOMEHOW

NOT

doing what YOU want me to do

and WHY

I WANT something FROM you

BUT somehow WE are

NOT ON THE SAME PAGE

OK

BEFORE I met you

I LOVED your MIND

I LOVED your INTENSITY

THEN I met you

and I had that COSMIC LIGHT SHOW

and you became TIED INTO my MISSION

I got THOSE TWO THINGS

INTERTWINED

BUT

you ARE NOT attracted to me

you are living a HAPPY and IMPORTANT LIFE

with people who LOVE and depend on YOU

I DO NOT have a sex drive at all anymore

I can't have children

and I can't put up with a bunch of BS

SO

if I was supposed to be your wife

I FEEL like that's OFF the table

PLUS

if you were PRETENDING not to KNOW me

AS A PATTERN INTERUPT

the ONLY reason for THAT

is to STOP my chasing after SOMETHING REAL

BUT

THEN I FEEL like I am supposed to be

still TANTALIZED with the FANTASY of FUCKING

AND

my TRUST is DEGRADED to the point

where if you were OFFERING yourself to me

and I HAD any desire

I WOULD NOT BE INTERESTED

I might be able to just

FEEL the LOVE

in ANOTHER context

BUT

NO while I am undergoing

internal RESTRUCTING

what I REALLY want

RIGHT NOW

is to UNDERSTAND

HOW any of this relates to my MISSION

and/or

what kind of ACTUAL relationship we CAN have

I thought maybe

it was some kind of CREATIVE partnership

BUT

idk

I FEEL like

if I knew what I wanted

WHAT I needed

I could MAYBE mold all this INTO

a reality that was EMPOWERED

BUT

I FEEL like you are specifically ALWAYS

keeping the INFORMATION

I WANT away from me

if YOU want SOMETHING

FROM me

and you AREN'T getting it

TRY SOMETHING

DIFFERENT 

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

and SINCE I'm a monster

I ALSO got

18 month old GOUDA

in little CUBES

& PRETZEL CRISPS

AND

I had to make an eXtra LAP

to AVOID buying

the BOX of la vielle Ferme rose

which was SO wonderfully

ALT reality

FULL CIRCLE 

that I ALMOST could NOT not

YEAH

OK

I have been RESISTANT to comment

PROBABLY

you have NOTICED

I don't KNOW whether I'm SUPPOSED

to take that as MOCKING

AND

I'm not SURE

whether it bothers MORE

that you'd MOCK me

OR

that I COULDN'T tell

I REACT

with DIFFUSE anger

I CANNOT deny

that it IS catchy

OH

WOW wait

BODY no THAT read DIFFERENT*

*than I MEANT it

I'm wearing JEANS a size TOO

BUT

they ARE warmer

BUT

when I WALK they ride 

DOWN

there is SOMETHING about

the FEELING of this

that is like the PHYSICS changed

I have GROWN unused to

PANTS you can actually feel

then I pulled OUT these 

athleta CARGOS I thrifted on eBay

they were a little BIT tight

they're windbreaker-y

they are not without FLAW

BUT

ATHLETA is moved from TESTING to

approved SHORT listed

ANYWAY

I LIKE the CARGOS

it got me thinking about PANTS

& it's COLD

I'm trying to DECIDE

if THIS is the type of thing I wear

I USED to always wear a size TOO

I went to WHOLE FOODS

in THIS

MASKED UP

I didn't test*

*I am a monster

NO ONE is wearing masks

I feel like the vibe is

back to NORMAL

I had to drive the CAR

I have this fun CIRCLE thing I drive

and I'm outta the COCOYO

and KOMBUCHA

and HARISSA

and I had a 🔥need for hummus &*

*healthy FAKE triscuit

I am a monster

THAT all mixed together

SOMEHOW 

ALSO

be the CHANGE

I called my MOTHER

she's a GROWN woman

I don't want to ENCOURAGE helplessness

I don't want to let her get HURT

but I hadn't PLANNED it

it was an OH YEAH (too BAD I had that* gummy)

SO

it was like

did I hear you SAY

you're SAFE

you LOVE me

you're glad I'm doing BETTER

& if there is ANYTHING

UP to & including

$

just LET you KNOW

is THAT what I hear

is that what YOU MEANT

YES

THANK YOU

that really MEANS a lot to me

TEN out of TEN

DELIVERY --   4/10

blah blah blah

well I don't WANT you acting like I'VE

SAID the wrong thing 

& made YOU upset

well then DON'T say the THINGS

that I TELL you UPSET me

I WISH I had a recording

GOLD 

*totally farm bill legal 

my BREAK tonight 

is HARD

and I'm CRAVING a ridge in my forehead

I'm so alienated from this new body

they're like a size TOO big

REALITY FLIP

my FAVORITE things to do on the ROAD*

ask the UNIVERSE a question

find a station that PLAYS music

THAT song

HOW is it the answer to YOUR question 

*pretty sure there was ONE more good ONE

REALITY FLIP

I read through what I WROTE

AND it reminded me of the best COMPLIMENT

I ever got (my opinion)

that I was like AMELIE

so I thought hey

the guy who did THAT

WHAT ELSE

only ONE thing

(2022) dubbed & subbed

BIG BUG

& I said MORE THAN ONCE*

THIS is disturbing

I think it is OFFICIAL

I LIKE French film

GENIUS

(highly recommend)

too MANY visuals

*should be 45° <

LOOK

I'm giving you a directive

AS YOUR COACH

if you are still there

and you CAN

go to the JAZZ BRUNCH

INTERACT with at least THREE people

who are wearing an article of SILVER clothing

TWO people who DO or SAY something

that SPECIFICALLY attracts your ATTENTION

and ONE person

that all of THAT

POINTS you TOWARD

THEN

every morning

(when you first wake up)

THE FIRST SEMI COHERENT THOUGHT YOU HAVE

CREATE a POSITIVE ACTION for it

I know that SEEMS random

and it KINDA is

BUT

it's a SERENDIPITY generator

YOU HAVE to ALLOW

ways for the MAGIC to ENTER

YOUR PATTERN

so just as an example

you WAKE UP and you SEE a BIRD

you could say

BIRDS have the MESSAGE for me today

AND

notice where you see BIRDS

REAL birds

pictures of BIRDS

EVER DETAIL interpreted HOWEVER broadly

OR

MY NECK HURTS

rephrased WHAT can I DO TODAY

to ENHANCE the OPTIMAL CARE of my NECK

eXtra points for

SHIT on the EDGE of

WACK

there's another one of those FREEZES

the temperature HERE won't be

as COLD as the LAST one

BUT

they are being sure to say

WE EXPECT RECORD POWER USAGE

and then they are ALSO saying

WIND should be HIGH

to COMPENSATE

if the natural gas freezes up or WHATEVER

WE SHOULD BE FINE

BUT

NOBODY believes them

so RUN on the STORES etc

WEATHERPOCAYPSE

just letting you know

I haven't really

MAPPED your weather situation

I KEEP HEARING about BLIZZARD

and I'm assuming THAT

is farther NORTH

than where you will be

PLEASE be CAREFUL 

possibly none of that made any sense

I just had the REALIZATION

because I thought it was

like a HUGE step forward

and I DO think it IS and all

BUT

my point was

this, what FEELS like a NEW THING

is ACTUALLY

an EXTENSION of a skill

I ALREADY had

I don't do it much anymore

because I avoid people

but it's part of

THAT THING I DO

I've just NEVER stripped out

my values AND the story

(in this case a negative one)

and given new MOTIVATION

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

thanks for letting me TAG along

that GUY

he took a picture*

AND

I said to him a REALLY strange

but ALSO uncharacteristic thing

HANG on to THAT

it's gonna be WORTH something SOMEDAY 

*of us

I was thinking about SANTA CRUZ

and that GUY

he was like a YO-YO champ or

SOMETHING

and I got him TALKING

and he had some super ROMANTIC story

if you just TWEAKED it a little

SO

I DID

AND

THAT made me THINK about

that GIRL studying OWLS

I REALLY liked her, she was NICE

I think I made her the HERO of the night

THAT felt so good

AND THEN I REALIZED

it's THE SAME thing as

what I was so proud of myself for

with the PEACH TREE

BUT

like in REVERSE*

*MAYBE 

man, I look rough

I feel kinda rough too

is the murakami well-ness of this

apparent in this photo

I've never photographed it before

because I didn't think it would translate 

LOOK at the GLOW of this woodgrain 

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I CAN'T remember

what the TAROT reader in SANTA CRUZ said

about the color GREEN

or MAYBE

it's that I don't remember

EXACTLY what it 

meant to me THEN

her GUIDES were using it

GREEN that is

as some sort of CROSS-REFERENCE

BUT over TIME

it's just become a SHORT-HAND

I THINK she said:

SOMETHING about the COLOR

GREEN makes you FEEL

CRAZY

I UNDERSTOOD

WHAT did that mean THEN

I thought it had to do with my EYES

CHANGING color

in RESPONSE to my desire for

GREEN EYES

was there MORE 

I was THINKING about rewriting

the BALLOON story

BUT

then I thought about the PEACH TREE

AND

I REALIZED something

I couldn't UNDERSTAND

how he could CUT DOWN the tree

because for ME

THAT equates to KILLING

not just like a TREE

TREE for me equals AT LEAST

something he CARED for NURTURED

BUT

maybe he DIDN'T see it that WAY

if it was ONLY like a THING

like a RIGHT NOW one of many POSSIBLE things

SUDDENLY

I see SO many POSSIBLE reasons

his STATED reason: it was killing his GRASS

my THEORY

he WANTED the tree

NOBODY else thought it was a good idea

then it PRODUCES FRUIT

and SUDDENLY it's everybody's tree

MAYBE

it wasn't even want to be all like

I WIN 

the TREE was a 

GOOD idea

NOW you get the NO TREE 

like YOU WANTED

MAYBE

TREE and ME against the WORLD

was a DYNAMIC he 

ENJOYED

I've been thinking about*

man, now I HAVE to do that

CAPITALIZATION thing

I REALLY like it

*the SIMPLE explanations

for DIFFICULT things, and I kinda

LIKE the idea

I have had a BAD headache

most of the day

the weather is doing CRAZY stuff

in the night 

I had to turn on the A/C

it was so HOT and humid

TODAY

when I pushed myself to WALK

it was SO COLD

with TWO shirts and a jacket

oh, and a HAT

I had to go BACK in 

and get a HOODY

THEN

I couldn't MAKE myself walk 

in the SHADE

I just ended up WALKING

back and forth in the SUNNY

PARKING LOT

just BACK and forth

back and FORTH talking to myself

like a CRAZY person

OTHER PEOPLE walk around the neighborhood

and people work in the BUILDING

so people would come OUT occasionally

I frequently TALK to MYSELF

NO one ever SEEMS

THAT frightened

I dreamed that I was

SUPPOSED to be writing

a final PAPER

(end of semester unprepared variant)

writing SIMPLE descriptions

of DIFFICULT things

AND

I was having TROUBLE with it

I was ALREADY

several days LATE

I had FORGOTTEN about it

I was trying to UNDERSTAND the assignment

I was planning to write it

OVERNIGHT 

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

he stepped OUT into the darkness

maybe to smoke a cigarette

maybe just to BREATHE the night air

do you REMEMBER me?

first the voice

then a vague shadow

then the FIERY unfolding of ephemeral WINGS

he swallowed

MAYBE he nodded

it was dark, WHO COULD SAY

we are different sets of CELLS and circumstances

I perhaps NEED you

in order to travel through EVERY point at once

maybe I DON'T need you

maybe you are just the CATALYST current

maybe there's ANOTHER way

I have a MISSION 

but the instructions were like SERIOUSLY weak

it was all like

WE CAN'T TELL YOU 

because anyway it wouldn't make any sense

until the TIME OF DOING 

GOOD LUCK

thanks, you TOTALLY got this

then a WHOLE BUNCH of shit happened

then, one day, I'm kind of just minding my own

BUSINESS

and BAM

I get hit with some COSMIC LIGHT SHOW

YOU HAVE MET ANOTHER ONE

I spent the next TWENTY YEARS

trying to figure THAT SHIT out

I MEAN LIKE CRAZY, right?

am I supposed to CRASH into you

or SLIME our HEADS together

I SEEM to be 

POWERING UP

I STILL don't know the FRACKING MISSION

BUT

I would REALLY LIKE

to think

that the ONLY OTHER ONE

was an ALLY

SO

CREATE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE

or WHATEVER 

I WALKED into a COFFEE SHOP

earlier THAT DAY

the guy behind the counter ASKS ME

how I am

AND I really have to PEE

came in to the coffee shop SURE I would

FIND a LOO

BUT my quick scan of the room has

produced NO EVIDENCE of said

I say FINE but in a TONE which makes a liar of me

I LOOK into his eyes and I SEE

the FOCUS of his ENTIRE BEING

assess and prepare to pivot

AND IT FRIGHTENED me

that I would have CARELESSLY ACTIVATED

NO NO, I say, I'm FINE, really

I've just been walking around for a long time

AND

I REALLY need to pee

I can help with that, he says

and leads through this like vaguely

CYBER PUNK experience

that could have been it's own adventure

IF

THE EARTH wasn't already SHAKING

DON'T misunderstand

I'm NOT saying

he was 🔥

I'm NOT saying HE thought I was 🔥

SPECIFICALLY NOT

AND

I was like SHIT

is that what I'M like?

THAT'S INTENSE!

I didn't know that was POSSIBLE

JUST FRACKING WOW

BUT SEE

I got the #GREEN sign

I got EYES sign

AND

THEN YOU

SO

for some reason

I think that the CONTENTS

of your BRAINS while this SCHRODINGER'S MOMENT

UNFOLDS

SHOULD be

KNOWABLE 

it wasn't a very long walk

I was a little shaky

and

NOW I feel like I might vomit

I'm glad I did it though 

they got Cornhole and fuzbal for the Zs I guess

outdoor stereo playing

I'll take you there

amazing wind chimes

I'm awake

happy birthday to me

I had what turned out to be

a reasonably cold shower

and that reminded me of 2007

back near the beginning of the journey

I'm gonna try to walk a little

you look beautiful

👾🫚

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 

👾🫚

OK

I feel like if I DON'T talk

then I'm being some kind of way

BUT

if I DO talk

I'm ALSO being some kind of way

SO

I DON'T KNOW what is the right thing

is it ONLY about how we feel

is it not ALSO about how we THINK?

I find myself

Uh oh like three things at once

some of them about you

some of them about me

SO

since I don't feel SAFE asking ANY of those questions

I will forge on with THEORY

which is really question two

in the form of a discussion

How close am I

How close are you

To who we REALLY are

insofar as THAT is even a THING 

I'm confident I've imbued you with traits

YOU don't have

I don't think they matter

When I say I love you

I'm sure you have imagined things about me

that are not true

probably they don't matter

I'm less sure

I can remember reading something you wrote

before I had ever met you

and thinking

I WANT THAT TURNED TOWARDS ME

I said that 

probably literally aloud 

I probably actually said DIRECTED

alliteration is poetic license

SO

NO MATTER WHAT

I am NOT complaining

AND

I find myself asking myself

WHY do you NEED to know what is going on

We are venturing off question two

ON TO

one of the questions I don't want to ask myself 

WHY can't you just GO

AND

I think it has to do with ME

I would say

I want to know

WHAT I'm doing

BUT

I'm not sure that's true

Because if I DO know what I'm doing

and it isn't X

then I might not be able to actually DO it

because I was always trying to

get to know you

I was never just whatever, ya know

SO

if I go

I have to believe X

and then if X isn't true

I'm DESTROYED, right

THAT has been my model

NOW

the PERSON I love

I SHOULD be able to see them

without all that BS, right?

BUT I don't have THAT model yet

I had one more in the old model

AND

it BROKE me

I'm trying to put myself back together

AND

I want YOU in my future

I MEAN ACTUALLY

I want you in my present, too

BUT

I am in this present moment

FEELING

as though 

I DON'T want to do THAT

LIKE THE REASON you acted like you didn't recognize me

was like a PATTERN INTERUPTION

like you wanted to FREE ME

BECAUSE you care about me, really

like, ya know, we

and then we figure out

what that means

and how we are

understanding that

it may actually be necessary to not be together

both because

you know

and because

the day to day maybe kills the POETRY

or

because we might be whatever

dramatically impractical in our love strategies

or just a variety of things

coming down to steps

shown work

blah blah

X

is this making any sense?

I know

I don't actually know

I know

I don't actually know

maybe I'm difficult for you

I am not trying to blame you for anything

but I'm not looking to apologize either

I'm off and on

having a little bit of

a psychological break

I think maybe the spinning between realities

might be a little bit of a super power

BUT

I AM NOT STABILIZED

SO

if you can help

I'd appreciate it

AND

if you cannot

FAIR ENOUGH

if I reacted to shit quickly

we wouldn't be looking at 20 years

it was the first time I didn't CRY

ANGER

until I understand

last time

I cannot work up

enthusiasm for

next time

and

it makes me not want to talk

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 

I dreamed

I can't remember most of it

but there was one part

I needed to use the bathroom

and

it was covered in this pink

STUFF

some girl

thinking she was all sexy, or whatever

had covered her body

with some pink unguent 

which had somewhere between hardened and congealed

and I was trying to clean things

enough to use 

AND

I was just thinking

SEXY is GROSS

when this grace jones vibe woman

came up behind me

and kissed me

four times

up my arm

from wrist to shoulder

and said

SOMETHING about PERSON

there was another dream

involving long walks

at night

ornamental parks

(maybe like cemeteries, but without any ghost energy or whatever)

but maybe involving religion

or cultural importance of some sort

it seemed important

BUT

I can't remember

and then there was something

about meeting someone

somewhere

BUT

we were not communicating

we were not on the same page

and it wasn't working

I've had

1 cup of tea

4 oatcakes

2 handfuls of golden berries

I want something else

don't know what